Title: The Flaming Winter

Author: Pararae

Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/index.php/story/view/211

Reviewer: [email protected]



Title: 4/5

For me, this is a good title to represent the story. It doesn’t really make sense for me at first, however as I continue with reading, I find the connection between the title and the story itself .


Appearance/Poster/Background: 8/15

I don’t really know how the site works, however I can only give a bit more than half as there is no background to mark. Nevertheless, it is easy to read the story and the poster is still somewhat matching.


Forewords: 2/5

Although it is just a one-shot, I think a short summary, or maybe a line or two, won’t hurt to give the reader an idea. The other information have been provided so I see no problem in that.


Plot: 9/15

Actually, this is supposed to be the type of story I’ll definitely read. However, the development doesn’t go with my favor. Her feeling had been introduced at the start and I have no problem with that, but the rest don’t make a good story. I personally think that this is quite a weak story.


Flow: 5/6

I am pretty confused at some point, but the flow is nice to follow, so it’s still a high point here.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10

There are some words which should be turned into its past form. Also, don’t forget parallelism. I find no problem with your spelling while there are some repetitions here and there. Well, since I’ve also spotted some other reviews left before mine, I suppose the grammatical mistakes have been explained there so I’m not repeating that here.

Oh, and for this sentence: As the diamond filled the sky, twinkling in her eyes as it feasted on the cold white land and breathed mists of wonder

This one is actually a good start, however this sentence doesn’t make a good sentence. This isn’t even a sentence since this is only a phrase. I suggest you alter it or give some addition to form a proper sentence. For example: It was when the diamond filled the sky, ...


Characterization: 8/10

There is no introduction in the foreword, but you’ve managed to describe it as the story goes. Unfortunately, it’s still lacking development, so I dock a few point from here.


Orginality: 7/8

Yep, a fresh idea. I’m quite certain about this as I’ve read so many books, though maybe there’s a part (or two) which appears too normal, but they can be ignored.


Writing style: 4/6

You have a good writing style, although sometimes you’re lacking the proper usage of punctuations. For example: The time went she should be losing hope, knowing well that she was lonely but instead, a small smile curved above her jaw. – this sentence doesn’t really make sense, especially the first part, I don’t understand what that means. But from my own interpretation, maybe you can add either a comma or “and” between “went” and “she”. There are some other sentences where you lack punctuations like this one as well.

Another example: A golden emerald haired girl watched the once magnificent mansion that had became her only shelter and protection against the harsh cold weather – It’ll be better if you mention “when”, such as: in the past.

Then I also spot the usage of till. It is actually better used as “until” instead of “till”. Narrations are better read when it’s written formally, but if you must, write it as ‘till instead.


Description : 9/10

I love the description, especially the first paragraph (although it might not be grammatically correct) as well as how you describe the characters, though you could have described more :)


Overall enjoyment: 6/10

Like I mentioned, I dislike the development, so I couldn’t give a high score for this one.





Overall score: 68/100



Notes: Sorry for taking such a long time! Now, you may not want to take this part into consideration and I don’t mind it at all, but I think this is worth mentioning. The issue about Kay’s dad is highly unlikely to happen. From my knowledge, there’s only a little chance that the hard crash will immediately sent one to death. He’ll bleed a lot, obviously, but it usually takes time for real death when everything is too late. Then again, there’s still the small chance of its occurrence.

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thanks Go unnie for the review! I really appreciate it ^^ you're right, i re-read the whole chappi but the first sentence, i did left it purposely like that because I love opening my story with that kind of line. It's my trademark hahahahahahaa anyway, abt the tense and punctuation, i understand that and thanks a lot...I'll imporve to be better in the next story okie ^^