Seung Hyun lay in his hospital bed unable to move. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t flutter and eyelid, squeeze the sheets, or part his lips. He even tried to psych himself into wiggling his big toe Kill Bill style; it didn’t work and it made him feel stupid. Day in and day out he was trapped inside himself. Waiting to move, wanting to get out of this bed and stretch his legs, but he was reduced to being a vegetable.

What’s worse is that he couldn’t remember how he got like this or why or when. He just was. It was like the first time as a child when you realize you exist. You know the voices around you. You call upon the basic knowledge you’ve gathered thus far. Seung Hyun knew where he was, and he even remembered the voices around him when he was conscious enough to hear them. But none of that mattered until he pieced together the fact that he was in fact alive. Alive and stuck.

The voice that leapt out to him the most was that of a woman. Sultry and spicy, her voice would float across him and coat him in…love?...no not love….comfort. Yes she was comfortable. It was a voice that made him feel safe as she read the paper out loud, or spoke to him about what’s going on in her life as if she had every belief he’d respond to her. He couldn’t place the person or the name that went with that voice, but he was sure that she was important.

The voices he could place though belonged to his group mates. Jiyoung, Youngbae, Lee Seung Hyun, and Daesung visited him often. Sometimes together, sometimes not. It made him especially proud when Jiyong and Youngbae would visit him together. He remembered how he would drag them to dinner years after they had a falling out over a girl. To hear them visit him together meant that life had progressed to a point where they could at least be civil. It was clear to him, even being trapped in his own head, that their relationship was not ever going to be the same.

Ever.

 Never, Ever.

But for him, for the sake of his health, they put that aside and came to him.

He heard his parents’ and his sister’s voice too, but all in all it was that female voice he couldn’t place that somehow meant the most to him. She was important somehow.

Seung Hyun came to realize just how important she was when he was conscious enough to make out the conversation between the mystery woman and who he assumed was his doctor.

“So, when can I expect to see his eyes open?” The mystery woman’s voice was steady. No panic, no worry.

“Ah well…you see these things take time.”

“Don’t sugar coat it, doctor. When will he wake up.”

“I don’t know. I truly don’t know.” Seung Hyun heard the doctor move this and that before he felt soft hands touch his arm and press down on a pressure point.

“Well do you know if it’s even possible?” Seung could tell the woman was losing her patience. He, in turn was losing his. The machines around him started to beep loudly, and the doctor moved his index and middle fingers in small circles along Seung’s pressure points to get the unconscious man to calm down.

“Please, be careful of your tone in this room, Mrs. Choi. Your husband is very receptive to you.”

Seung will say. As soon as she seemed just a little agitated, his heart rate started to…

Wait! Did the doctor just say Mrs. Choi? He was married? When the hell did he….

An image of Leena in her signature white nightgown sprung before his mind’s eye. He couldn’t trust the image to be completely true; it was based on warped memories of a woman he couldn’t properly recall until a few moments ago. He was sure though that she wasn’t Korean. This thought was reinforced by the imperfections in her accent as she spoke. Was she fair skinned? No that didn’t seem right. She was definitely brown with a broad nose and full lips and hair that was much softer then it looked. He remembered that she looked nothing like the women of his home country. That made her one of a kind to him, like the toy bears he collected years ago. That’s why he had to have her when they met. She was rare and unattainable by most people he knew.

“It’s possible your husband could wake up at any time,” the doctor’s voice brought Seung Hyun out of his meandering thoughts. “Though when he does he might not be the man you remembered.”

“What does that mean?” Yeah, what did that mean, Seung thought.

“Mrs. Choi, your husband has sustained multiple head injuries. As a result, his creative mind could be stunted. He could suffer amnesia.”

“Or he could be just fine.”

It wasn’t a question, but the doctor felt compelled to answer it like one. “It’s possible…but highly unlikely.”

“Well then. Wouldn’t that be nice to just forget everything?”

“You’ve gone through a lot, you and your husband.” The doctor had long since finished doing whatever he was doing. Seung could hear him shuffle about until he was standing next to where he imagined his Leena was standing.

“Before this, he and I were like roommates.” It was blunt and cold, and Seung could tell she was telling the truth.

“Well, maybe if he forgets things could go back to the way it was.” The doctor said, his voice quiet.

“Let’s hope not. I miscarried.” Leena confessed, “And he blamed me for losing our child.”

“You can’t know that for sure.” The doctor said.

“He never said it out right, but I do. He punished me for it. He became so different after we moved into that big house, and we slept in our big bed, and he saw that big red stain.” Most women would be crying, Seung thought. But not Leena. She was steady. “I wouldn’t say that to anyone. Not even to my husband. But it’s not like he can hear me, and It’s not like you really care.”

The doctor scoffed at her last statement, but he didn’t correct her. “Do you know why he was out on that road?”

“He tried to reclaim me, and I wouldn’t let him.”

“He ran away…That’s a shame.”

The doctor and Leena spoke more after that, but none of it sunk in. The part that stuck was the fact that Seung ran away. He remembered now why he was in the hospital bed. He was with Mary. They were on a wild drive, and he had every intention of ing her on the hood of Leena’s car. That’s until he realized he was running away. Until he realized he had lost his wife to his doppelganger. Before he could fight to get his wife back he had lost a fight with an eighteen wheeler.

But how could he win his wife back. Seemed hopeless. She thought he blamed her for the loss of their child. Maybe he did. Lord knows he tried his best to take care of her, but she was so stubborn insisting that she work through her pregnancy and that she didn’t need a new big house to raise their babies in. He did it all for her and she couldn’t even keep their child. But somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he blamed her because it would hurt his pride to blame himself. He didn’t do what a man was supposed to do and take care of his wife and unborn child. So instead he worked harder and ed another woman. Just so he wouldn’t have to deal with his home life.

Now he wanted his home life. The feelings he felt for his Leena, the need to win her back and reclaim her were just as strong as before his accident.

“Well maybe when he wakes up you can start over. Maybe he won’t remember, and he won’t be the same man.” The doctor said reassuringly. Then Seung heard the door to his room close shut.

That’s it! Just because he remembered it all didn’t mean he had to let them know he did. He’d have the 20/20 hindsight, and the advantage of a do-over. He just had to pick a time period. It took him a moment but he got one. He’d pretend his memory started while his  Leena was still pregnant, and after they moved into their new home. It was a pivotal moment. He didn’t have to completely change, but he could make new decisions that would lead to him keeping his Leena. 

There it was decided.

Now if only he could just wake up.

He willed himself awake. Didn’t work.

He tried to move. He fought for control over his body. Didn’t work.

Days later, after he decided on his plan, he’d all but given up. His vitals showed that of an almost empty carcass.  He was losing faith. But still…if he could just open his eye lids.

Just flutter them once.

Then open them.

Flutter them once.

Then open them.

Flutter them once.

Then open them.

That was his mantra, and he adhered to it.

Then, to his own surprised, his eyelids fluttered.  The heart monitor he was plugged into beeped stronger and faster.

Now open them he thought. He failed. Once, twice, twenty four times. But eventually he did it.

He opened his eyes.