Helloooooooo~ Look who's back after ages? *does kawaii pose*
Okay, before you take my body and rip it into pieces, let me explain! I... I was in another country! They kidnapped me! They made me sick so I couldn't do anything! ...Okay, back to reality. *bows sincerely* I was on an exchange for one semester, and oh gosh so much happened, but inspiration to write never came... I don't even know why. I would've thought I could write plenty, but I was so terribly wrong. And then I came back and I looked at my stories and oh gosh the last update was in August! What the?! No way! I must have been forgotten ;____; Definitely. Nobody knows me anymore. The sadness never bothered me anyways ;____; Okay, I really need to stop this.
What I really want to say is thank you to everyone who loves this story. Even while I did not update, subscribers still came, comments still came, and I can only say thank you from the bottom of my heart. My writing is not perfect, but you still love me enough to read it, so I can only thank you (please forgive my insanity, school has been rough as you can see on my brain cells).
This chapter is really something. It sums up a lot about my life. I really want to say that when I write this story, I want to tell something. I want to do more than just write. I want to tell you all something about my life. When I sit down and write story, I want you lovely readers to learn from my mistakes. Most importantly, I want to put on paper something we all feel, and I want you to realize it is okay. It really is. This is not the last chapter... I could not bear to do that....And the sekai killed me.
Until the next chapter! I love you all!

Tinywings
 

Sehun often asked himself whether the truth really did anyone any good, because at one point you tried to fill the gaps with so many hopes and believe that the truth could only hurt. At one point you filled the holes with the grand imagination of a naïve child that only wanted a story with logic. A story that made sense. For every consequence, there was a reason. There was a reason why certain things went as they went, and in order to make this story flow smoothly, things would be added and changed. All to make it fit with the truth one wanted to see.

And it made one happy the way things were in the head.          

So, Sehun thought to himself, why was there ever the need to tell anyone the feelings he harbored for Jongin? Why was there ever the need to tell the world that he was a foolish boy who was afraid to love? At one point, he filled all the gaps with Jongin feeling the same for him, thinking the same as him, and they would be together forever. There would be no Kyungsoo, no Taemin, nobody. Just the two of them. And that would be enough. That would be more than enough.

He believed that Jongin must have done the same, must have filled some holes with his own wishes. Now that he thought back about it, he was certain Jongin must have believed, must have filled those gaps with tears in his eyes, because Sehun had left him in the cold and he was left on his own to defend himself against the bitter coldness of rejection. Jongin must have had it hard, pretending to have never confessed and to have never had his heart crushed by his best friend.

So, was it better to tell Jongin the truth? That he had fallen for a boy who was too frightened to admit he had felt exactly the same? Would it do Jongin any good if Sehun were to tell him that, back then, they could have been more than just best friends if Sehun was not such a scared little kid? He figured the truth would do neither of them any good. Sehun cried his heart out when he realized Jongin had loved him at that time. Jongin would cry his heart out when he realized the reality of that time. Reality hurt. Reality really hurt sometimes.     

Yet, here he stood, in front of Jongin’s house, not because he wanted to but because he felt he had to. Because rather than living with the incomplete truth, Jongin deserved to know. Sehun finally admitted to himself that he had been in love with Jongin back then, and Jongin deserved to know. Only then could their friendship keep on going. With any more lies and holes filled with wishes, there would be no more strong strings to hold onto anymore. And Sehun did not want that. Jongin meant too much to him.            

It did not take long before he pressed the door bell, and it was not long before he heard rushing footsteps inside the house. It was, however, excruciating long before the door opened and revealed Jongin.             

“Sehun…” Jongin spoke with eyes widened in surprise, “why are you-”              

“I... I need to talk to you.” Sehun said softly.             

“About?” Jongin said, before a wave of sadness filled his eyes, “Look, I really don’t-”

“Back then, the most unlucky person in the world… He…”   

Sehun’s nervous gaze locked with Jongin’s uncertain one. For a moment, there were flashes, images inside Jongin’s eyes he was certain were memories that belonged to the both of them. For a moment, he was so close to crying about what could have been, because when it came to Jongin his heart was always weak, always wavering. No matter how many times he told himself that Jongin and he could never be, and that Jongin had Kyungsoo and he had Luhan now, it never took away the fact that at one point, the two of them really were in love. They really were in love with each other. And that fact was stronger than anything else Sehun had ever known.

“He loved you.”

He saw the single tear escaping the corner of Jongin’s eye, and it made him try to imagine how much the impact must have been. How much would it hurt Jongin? Too much. Probably too much.

“Why…” Jongin whispered, the pain Sehun inflicted on him clearly found in his unstable voice, “why…”

The word could mean so many things. It could mean why Sehun never told him before. It could mean why Sehun did not had the courage to tell him back then. It could mean why he had fallen in love with someone like Sehun. It could mean why their destiny turned out to be nothing but a tragedy that lacked courage and hope. It could mean anything, really everything, yet Sehun knew exactly what Jongin meant.

“Because you deserve to know,” Sehun said gently, “because you’re my best friend and you deserve to know. You deserve to know that I was scared to face the possibility that you might have found someone, someone who could steal you away from me. I just wanted my best friend Jongin. I didn’t know about love, I still don’t know about love, I just knew I wouldn’t want to live without you in my life. But I never knew that I was the one who made us turn into nothing but a mess…” Tears rolled down his flushed cheeks, “And I’m sorry, so sorry, Jongin, because… Because I hurt you, and that’s something I really never wanted to do.”

Jongin made a choked sound as he hid his face behind his trembling hands, the soft crying reaching Sehun’s ears painfully loud. Jongin leaned against the door weakly, a sad grin dancing on his lips. It hurt, Sehun realized sadly, it hurt them both.

“I can’t believe it…” Jongin said between uncontrolled sobs, “I can’t believe this…”

“Jongin-”

“We could have been, isn’t it?” Jongin slowly moved his hands away, all sorts of emotions washing over his face, “We could have been…”

And Sehun thought again about the fact that they could have been something brilliant. It hit him bitterly, because it would sound so good. So, so good.

“But you know what?” Jongin said with a soft, weak smile that he managed to put on, “I knew we could never be something…” He wiped away the tears before continuing, looking down at his wet hands instead of Sehun, “I knew we could have never been anything more than best friends.”

This made Sehun blink his eyes in surprise, “W-Why?”

A sad but genuine smile formed on Jongin’s lips, “Because I would’ve never been able to turn you into a person who would be able to give you the courage to tell me all of this. I would’ve never been able to make you tell me you love me. I would’ve never been able to help you turn into the person you’re right now.”

“J-Jongin-” Sehun stuttered with wide eyes, but Jongin broke him off.

“The thought alone, Sehun… The thought alone that you would lose me… That thought alone…” Jongin moved himself away from the door as he turned to face Sehun directly, “That tells enough, don’t you think?”

“I like you.”

Jongin abruptly moved to close the door, shocking Sehun. Sehun frantically knocked on the door when the realization finally hit him that Jongin might walk away from him, out of sight and out of his life, and it made his heart race, “Jongin-”

“Because…” Jongin’s voice came as a soft, desperate whisper, “Because there’s someone who you can turn to, fall back to, that’s why you’re not afraid to tell me you once loved me. Because as long as there’s someone at the end of the day, waiting for you, you won’t be afraid of possibly losing your best friend.”

It really felt unfair when Sehun thought about it. It really felt unfair towards Jongin that Luhan had so much more impact on him than Jongin had in all those years. It felt so unfair, so saddening unfair, that Sehun wished Jongin would hit him, slap him, kick him until he could not retort anymore. Because he wanted Jongin to let out all the pain Sehun had caused him. Sehun wanted to pay for all the pain he had caused the other. From the bottom of his heart, if there was anything he could do, he would do it. Because what Jongin said was the truth, and no matter how much he wished it was not, it would remain the truth. But there was one thing that was not the truth.

He was frightened to death to lose him best friend.

“I’m sorry, Jongin-”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Jongin said from the other side of the door with a stern voice, “because this isn’t your fault.”

“I wish I could’ve done things differently! Jongin, I really do! It was with you I spent so many years of my life! You meant so much to me! It was with you… It was with you I learned to enjoy dancing, to enjoy Fridays because we would be playing videogames at your place. It was with you I made promises that should last a lifetime… It…” Sehun broke down in tears as he realized so many things Jongin meant to him, “It was you, Jongin… Always you…”

Sehun’s fingertips touched the door tenderly, as if it was Jongin he was touching, as if it was the boy who was at the point of breaking apart that he was touching. It turned into a fist, though, a tight fist, when he realized what he had done, what he had created, and what he had ruined.

“Jongin…”

“Sehun, don’t blame yourself, because you… You did so many things, you know? You were always there when I needed someone, taught me that it wasn’t wrong to trust someone… I… I never really understood friendship until I met you… No,” An excruciating long silence took place before Jongin continued, “I never really trusted friendship until I met you, never really believed in trusting someone until I met you.”

Sehun tried to stop the tears from flowing down by shutting his eyes tightly, but it did not help. Tears still came, still felt the desperate need to roll down his burning cheeks for the sake of washing away the immense painful emotions he was feeling. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry until there were no tears anymore, because the thought that he meant so much to Jongin just was too much to bear.  

“Why me…” Sehun whispered against the door, eyes glistering with fresh tears.

A soft chuckle answered him, “I didn’t choose you, Sehun, you just came into my life and ruined it.”

♪

Sehun sat at the back of the bus as he thought about everything that had just happened. It made him dizzy, made his head want to explode because of all the things that filled it. It was tiresome, so incredibly exhausting. A sigh escaped his lips as he glanced outside the window, letting the blur of colors take him, take his being and bring him to a moment of peace.

He leaned his head against the hard, cold glass, letting it cool his forehead down as much as possible. It would have been great if Luhan was here to be with him, just to be by his side and make him feel at ease.

“Because there’s someone who you can turn to, fall back to, that’s why you’re not afraid to tell me you once loved me. Because as long as there’s someone at the end of the day, waiting for you, you won’t be afraid of possibly losing your best friend.”

It came barging in his conscious like a comet, without any prior notice, hitting him right in the soul. The words were sharp when they collided with his physical flesh, ever so mercilessly and ever so gracelessly. It was ugly, the crash was painless, but the impact was not. It hurt to the core, made him want to rip out his heart, his soul, his being, just so he would not be tortured by this pain that no physical injury could ever inflict on him. Because here he was, trusting the bus boy more than he ever trusted Jongin, telling the bus boy everything he had never dared to tell Jongin. It made him wish he was not like this, made him wish that he had still loved Jongin instead, because then at least he could pay for what he had done. He could not, however, pay back for never trusting Jongin enough. He could never pay back for the fact that he should have trusted Jongin, the person that made his life so much brighter, and that hurt more than anything else. Not being able to repay in any way hurt terribly.

Sehun looked down at his pocket when he felt the buzz of his phone through his coat, his hand already making its way to reach for it.

How are you doing?

There was the urge to call the other immediately, to tell the other everything that had just happened. But Sehun knew that right now, at the moment, he did not have the energy to speak, did not have the energy to talk to anyone. At the moment, all he wanted was to be left alone, so he could think things over. There was nothing that could be changed, nothing that could be made better, but there were too many things in his head that he needed to organize. Even Luhan would not be able to help him with that.

So that is why he could only reply a short message back.

I’m alright.

♪

It was three days later when finally decided to call Luhan, and the other was eager to meet up with him. Ever since that kiss, that moment of bliss, they had not seen each other. Sehun had decided right after that moment that he should confront Jongin, and ever since that confrontation he was not sure whether he could really smile or do anything. He should not be playing the victim, but it felt like he lost something. Even though he wished Jongin the best with everything, and hoped for happiness for Jongin and Kyungsoo, and begged the Heavens that Jongin and he could remain best friends, there was still something lost. It was clearly lost, downright lost, permanently lost. That innocence that once surrounded the two of them was long gone, and there was nothing he could do but cry because of it. It was ripped out of him mercilessly.

“Sehun.”

But here he was, standing in front of Luhan, who was smiling at him shyly, not sure whether he should approach Sehun any closer or keep his distance, but nevertheless he showed the longing to hold the other, to be close to the other. For the first time in his life, Sehun felt so lucky that it was almost as if he had committed a sin. He did not deserve any of this. What did he ever do in his life to have deserved such a great person in his life?

“I feel miserable,” Sehun said without moving a finger, eyes looking down to the ground.

“Sehun…” Luhan spoke gently, “What… Is it Jongin?”

This made Sehun chuckle a little bit too coldly, because the realization hit him that it had always been Jongin. From the beginning, it had been Jongin. From the beginning to end, it had always been Kim Jongin.

“Would you believe me if I said that, from all the people I know, you’re the person who possesses the most wonderful kind of love ever?”

“Do… Do you really think I possess the most wonderful kind of love ever?” Sehun grinned unhappily, “Because I… I don’t think I do. I don’t think I can! I give, give, give, only to take, take, take! That isn’t pretty!” Sehun took heavy breaths as tears pricked his eyes, “It’s… It’s ugly! It’s ugly!”

He was so caught up in emotions, so caught up in everything that was too heavy to be burdened with, that the embrace he was enveloped in came like a shock. It made him tremble even harder, made him cry even louder, but Luhan did not show any signs of letting go. Luhan did not show any signs of wanting to let go of this person who did not deserve all of this.

“We all give to take, Sehun-ah, we all give in the hope we can take,” Luhan whispered in his ear soothingly as Sehun buried his face in Luhan’s shoulder, “but that doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty. Because as long as you give it sincerely, with the honest purpose of wanting that person to be happy, then that’s something wonderful. You give, and when you give you shine, and do you know what happens after that? The people you help… They see light in your light.” Luhan patted his head gently, “It’s because of you, Sehun, that they saw light, and it made them believe.”

“Alright, I believe you.”

“I never really trusted friendship until I met you, never really believed in trusting someone until I met you.”

“I’ll believe because you said so, Sehunnie!”

“Why me? I can’t… I can’t be the reason for such big things like believe, I-”

“Because you’re only happy when others are happy,” Luhan said before he moved his face away from Sehun, just so he could look Sehun in the eyes, “that’s why it’s you.”

Sehun always believed that in order to be happy, he needed to make others happy first. That was something he strongly believed in. There was no use in being happy on your own. However, it also made him scared, made him frightened, because so many times it seemed the case that people would leave him once they got what they wanted. Whenever they had enough of Sehun’s care, Sehun’s love, they would just leave without a goodbye. It made Sehun contemplate about his beliefs, about whether he was really someone who was worth anything good. Because why did nobody ever stay? Why did nobody ever stay? Did he never give enough?

“You should open your eyes, Sehun,” Luhan’s eyes glistered with warmth as he hands held onto Sehun’s face, “and see just what you gave this world. You gave me the strength to believe, and I’m sure that Jongin thinks exactly the same.”

Sehun let the tears flow as he moved down to kiss Luhan on the lips, because he had heard enough. He had heard enough. His heart already knew. His heart already knew what Luhan meant.

Lips touching lips never sounded that special until he kissed Luhan. When lips touching lips was put together with Luhan, it was a firework show that exploded behind his eyelids, making him lose himself in a love that made him believe that anything was possible. Luhan was that kind of person, had that kind of influence on him. Because Luhan saw something in him that Sehun never saw, appreciated his being more than Sehun ever appreciated himself, made him feel like he was more than merely a person surviving on this world.

He lived.