Who missed me?? :D *gets bricked* I missed you all toooooo~!
Okay, okay, I'm sorry for the long wait! :'< You all know I'm like that by now...
First of all, thank you for those who support this story! Can't thank you enough for that :')
Special mentioning of skater, who has literally been threatening me to update this story :p
Here's chapter 11! Finally! Next chapter will most likely be the last, depending on exactly how I want to end things.
Hopefully, you still all enjoy this story! This chapter should make it up to you all! Enjoyyy!

Tinywings
 

Falling in love is as easy as memorizing the lines of your favorite song. Falling in love is always so easy, because it feels so heavenly good and love causes blindness. People get attracted to pretty things so easily, and fall in love with beautiful things as if they are born to do so.

So, really, the fact that Sehun fell in love with Luhan was just so predictable. It was as if from the first meeting, Sehun should have been able to predict himself falling for Luhan’s gentle eyes, bright smiles, and warm words. He should have known that Luhan would be able to grasp his heart and tug at it playfully, making him long for the other more than he really should.

However, there were also moments when the realization frightened him more than it delighted him, because Sehun had been hurt by these feelings too many times already. It was always so easy to fall in love, to entrust someone your everything, just to get abandoned and left behind in the end. It was cruelty in its most elegant form. But then Sehun would be remembered of Luhan’s presence, and how it made him forget all his doubts, all his wariness, and he would feel conflicted between falling in and out of love. Not that falling out of love was ever an option, but he always liked to pretend it was. And Sehun realized that it was never possible for him to be stopped by possible consequences, potential heartbreaks, because that was just how it worked.

And the world was not blind. The world was not ignorant to one’s happiness. No, happiness was always so easily seen and so difficult to hide. So it really did not take long before Jongin had him cornered, looking at him almost accusingly, because Jongin was still waiting for an answer and Sehun was playing around with his poor heart.

“Sehun,” Jongin began with a frown, “can we have a talk?”

And it was then that it all crashed down on Sehun that he was still avoiding his problems, still avoiding facing reality. It was only when Jongin looked him straight in the eyes that Sehun realized that he was still running away. He was running away when he really should not, because Jongin did not deserve this, Jongin had done no wrong, but neither did Sehun. Sehun had done nothing wrong, nothing that he should be ashamed of. The world just had no clue how much it hurt when everyone else moved on, while you stayed behind. The world just had no idea how unfair it felt to be the one who had to put an end to things, so everyone else could get away.

Everyone else, except for himself.

“If it really bothers you so much, then…” A flash of pain crossed Jongin’s eyes, “Then just forget about what I said and asked, alright?”

Forgetting would do nobody any good, would do this situation no good at all. As if one could forget what was burned in one’s mind. It all came down to pretending, and Sehun knew that pretending brought nothing. Pretending only protected the poor selfish child living somewhere in the corner of his mind, but other than that, it brought nothing. And it was clear that it hurt Jongin terribly much to even speak out that option, to even bring up the thought of pretending nothing happened, because how could that ever happen when it was so visible in every little movement and word spoken between the two of them?

“J-Jongin…” Sehun spoke out hesitantly, “I-”

“We promised we would be best friends forever, Sehun. I don’t want that promise to be broken,” Jongin bit his lip harshly, “but I can see you leaving me.”

Sehun’s eyes widened at this, shock filling him to the core. He could not believe what Jongin had just said, because it was Jongin who was on the brick of leaving him, not the other way around. It was Jongin who was leaving, not this poor person who only wanted to hold onto things as they were.

“How dare you say that!” Sehun yelled angrily, “You’re the one whose living happily with Kyungsoo right now, leaving me behind! You’re the one who’s replacing me with Kyungsoo-”

“Nobody’s replacing you!” Jongin exclaimed outrageously, “Sehun, nobody’s replacing you! I don’t know why you would ever think that, but Kyungsoo isn’t replacing you! Never will, and never could! It’s the other way around, Sehun! The other way around! You’re the one who’s replacing me with Luhan!”

“I’m not the person replacing anyone right now, Kim Jongin! You’re the one who’s bringing Kyungsoo everywhere with you when it’s supposed to be only the two of us!”

“Damn it, Sehun, are you blind?! Are you stupid?!” Jongin yelled loudly as he rushed over to Sehun and held him harshly by his collar, “Don’t you see it?! Do you really not see what I’m doing right now?!”

Sehun frowned unhappily at this, the tight grip making it difficult for him to breathe, “What am I supposed to see?!”

Jongin pushed him against the wall with more force than needed, causing Sehun’s head to hit the cold hard surface, “That I’ve been trying all I could just for you to accept Kyungsoo! Because I want to see you two get along with each other! That I’ve been begging you to accept Kyungsoo in our world, but you never did! You never even gave him a chance! All you’ve done is running away, disappointing me while having fun with someone else! You’re the one who’s replacing me, Sehun,” A tear escaped Jongin’s eye, his hands slowly letting Sehun go, “you’re the one who’s selfish and leaving me behind.”

Often, things are not just black and white. Often, it is a bitter grey you are dealing with, and you have absolutely no idea just how to get out of it, because there is no wrong or right. No, there is no truth to be found, no deception to be avoided; only a bitter mess of chaotic feelings and emotions battling each other without even remembering anymore why they fight in the first place. It is never pretty, never beautiful, especially when you realize that everyone around you was hurting just as much as you, but nobody has done anything sinfully wrong.

“I’m sorry…”

It might as well have been Sehun who said that, or Jongin. Neither of them really knew for sure, because in the bottom of their hearts, that was what they were telling each other over and over again. Because apologizing was the only thing they could say anymore, nothing else deemed appropriate anymore. Apologizing always sounded horribly hollow, because it could have been avoided but it was not. Something brilliant was broken and an apology merely functioned as a bandage to hide the wounds that would never heal.

Yet, an apology was the only thing that sounded right to the ears right now.  

-

Sehun locked himself up in his room the moment he arrived home, wanting to be alone so dearly. There was too much that ran through his head, that bothered him endlessly, and he needed to sort them out. He needed some time alone so he could make sense of the chaos in his mind, organizing all his thoughts so he could move on again. It was never easy, never a smooth process. In fact, it was extremely tiresome to the point you wished you could just give it all up.

He picked up the picture frame on his desk, looking at it with sad eyes. It was a photo of the two of them, when it was just the two of them, and they just needed each other. It was a photo taken when they both seized the day, enjoyed every moment of it, because back then the sky was always a blue painted by them and happiness was to be grasped by their own hands. It was a time in life that Sehun would want to go back to over and over again, because that was a moment of bliss that he was addicted to. Now, however, that picture only portrayed a used-to-be, something that was once beautiful but was now gone.

Those smiles were long gone, laughter long gone, happiness long gone.

Sehun closed his eyes as he lied down on his bed, arm covering his eyes while the picture frame was securely held by his hand. Lying down felt good, letting the darkness wash over him felt peacefully numb, and Sehun just wished this could last a forever. There was something about closing the eyes, watching those soft color spots displayed on the eyelids that at least soothed his throbbing head. There was something about remembering the happy moments, the good times, that made him smile sadly but nevertheless feel content because that moment was brilliant and remembering it made him nostalgic but satisfied.

Sehun always thought that in order to move on, he had to let certain things go. In order to grow up, he had to let things go because he could not always hold onto those ties that would only drag him down. He would need to learn how to move on without holding onto the past, but it was hard when the past was all he ever knew. The present was still to be past and the future was too unpredictable for him to count on. He desperately held onto the past because that was something that would never change, something that he could always fall back to.

However, he also knew that the past already turned into emptiness not worth embracing when everyone else already moved on.

“I’m sorry, Jongin…” Sehun whispered apologetically, “I’m so sorry…”

“All I ever needed was closure. Some kind of chance to tell him the things I wanted to, an opportunity to tell him goodbye.”

“Isn’t that the same as letting go?”

“You tell me.”

Sehun took a deep breath, the picture frame feeling terribly heavy all of a sudden.

-

“I don’t understand why we’re here,” Luhan spoke out as they both stood on top of a high bridge, the wind brushing against them softly.

Sehun leaned against the metal fence that prevented him from dropping onto the cold water, eyes glistering as they admired the sight in front of them. A sigh escaped his curved lips before he glanced back at Luhan, who was watching him carefully. Sehun had gone onto bus 520 in the hope to find Luhan, and upon finding him he brought the two of them to the high bridge just outside the busy city. It was a nice view, but nevertheless not a place one would hang out often. Sometimes a car would pass by just behind them, but other than that, it was silence that fell upon the both of them.

“This… Is one of the highest places you’ll find here.”

“Y-You… You don’t want to commit suicide, right?” Luhan asked tentatively, “Because there’s nothing more foolish to do than to end your life-”

“I’m not going to commit suicide,” Sehun said with a chuckle when he saw the relief washing over the other’s face,  “I… I want to end something tonight.” He looked at Luhan with a smile, “You asked me to tell you whether closure and letting go are the same, right?”

It was between the bus ride and standing there on the bridge that Sehun finally came to an answer of his own. It was somewhere between hesitation and determination that brought him the answer he had been looking for. All this time, he was too scared, too frightened, and therefore never took the time to think things through. All this time, he thought that in order to grow up, one needed to let things go.  

“All this time, I thought closure and letting go were the same… In a way, I still think that way, and maybe that’s because the two are so intertwined with each other, that it’s hard to see the difference between the two. Closure means an end, an act of closing something. It means the chapter is done and it’s time to move to the next chapter. Letting go… Letting go means you won’t hold onto that anymore. You won’t hold onto that certain memory, certain happiness, certain person, because holding onto them hurts. Letting go means you go on, but it isn’t necessary the case that you’ve ended something. You can let go of someone without saying goodbye, but you can’t have a closure without saying goodbye.”

While letting go was to get rid of the unhappiness, closure was to cherish the happiness.

Luhan’s eyes glistered warmly at this, “And what it is that you’re striving for?”

Sehun smiled, “Closure.”

The taller male said nothing more as he turned to face the river in front of him, taking a deep breath as eyes fluttered closed for that short moment, before he opened his eyes again that were filled with determination. It was time to end the chapter that he had dragged on for too long. It was time to say goodbye to the Sehun and Jongin that once ruled their own little world. He cupped his hands and placed them before their lips, inhaling some air before yelling.

“Jongin!”

The name was taken by the soft wind, could reach the ears but would then vanish. It sounded pleasantly loud, just the right volume his heart had desired from the start. His heart had been itching to scream, to yell, to let out just whatever it contained, and this was just the right place for it.

“Jongin! I’m sorry!”

Sehun wanted to say sorry because Jongin had always been a good friend, a wonderful person, and Sehun had hurt him because he was scared. Sehun was frightened for something he should not have been afraid of, but experience had made him protect himself too much. Sehun wanted to say sorry because Jongin had liked him, had wanted to be more than just friends, and Sehun…

…had wanted exactly the same.

“Jongin, I love you!”

He saw flashes of the two of them the moment he yelled that, saw flashes of Jongin smiling at him with that endearing look that Sehun cherished so much. He saw flashes of the two of them playing videogames late at night, fighting each other with their pillows. He saw flashes of the two of them at that one night when sparks flew. He then saw images of the two of them, of how they could have been if Sehun had not been so frightened, had not been so childishly afraid. Eventually he saw how they were right now, how nothing of the images had come true, how they were now fighting a cold battle without a reason.

Sehun said goodbye to the Jongin he fell in love with.

He said hello to the Jongin that wanted to build a world that would include both Kyungsoo and him.

“Do you regret anything?” Luhan asked as he put a hand on Sehun’s shoulder.

Sehun glanced at the hand before looking the other in the eyes, a smile appearing on his lips, “I regret a lot of things, because things could’ve been different, but I ruined it. However, instead of dragging something that should’ve been closed already, I want to start anew. What has happened can’t be changed, but I don’t want to present to also be something I’ll regret.”

All this time, Sehun had known that he was in love with Jongin, his best friend Jongin. And maybe that was exactly the reason why he never wanted to give Jongin an answer, because then it would be closure for Jongin, but emptiness for Sehun. Jongin would let go and Sehun would be the one holding onto untied ropes. However, when he realized that Jongin never intended on letting go, never intended on leaving Sehun behind, that was when Sehun realized that closure did not necessarily meant letting go. In a way, it might be, but when you looked at it more closely, it was not. It never was.

Closure was not the same as letting go.

“Luhan…” Sehun began, eyes locked with the other, “I…”

Sometimes, things can be really unpredictable. Sometimes, you think you have everything under control, only to realize later that this was never the case. Life is but a mess of coincidences and compromises, and sometimes it works out well, and something brilliant arises.

Feeling Luhan’s lips against his was that something brilliant. It was something akin to heaven, akin to eternal happiness, because everything would vanish in his mind and only the two of them would matter. Only Luhan and he would matter, and that felt pleasant. It felt as if they were building a world of their own, and that was a place called heaven that he wanted to live in.

“I like you,” Sehun whispered against Luhan’s lips.

Luhan moved his lips away from the other and Sehun took this as an opportunity to lean his forehead against the other, faces so close they could hear each other breathings. He saw the shining, the glistering in Luhan’s eyes, and that made him smile.

When he felt Luhan reach his hand out to hold onto Sehun’s, his smile brightened, Luhan’s eyes sparkled.