STORY

I was lying down on the hospital bed, inside of my own room. Tranquil, but saddening. Being alone didn’t bother me, for it gave me time to think about my life before I go. Did I really live my life well? For a moment I couldn’t answer that question. It was stuck in my mind, answerless. While staring at the white ceiling, a tear escaped from my right eye, rapidly flowing down until it dropped on the pillow.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for my whole life. The time I shall rest in peace. The time I’ve looked forward to, and was hoping to come.

Aren’t I unbelievable? I must be the only one in the whole world who wishes death would come early, that I would die soon.

Because I felt like I had no reason to live anymore…

Because long ago, he left me without any reasons, without any further explanations, without holding me tight and much longer.

But thinking about him, I feel I still have something left. I feel like it’s time to cease my anger to him.

But leaving me alone, after years had passed, can I still forgive him?

I closed my eyes, reminiscing the memories I had with him ever since my childhood. I thought it might help in deciding whether I should let go of him, and forgive him. This will make my death happy.

I still have time, I told myself.

And then, few minutes later, my memories triggered quickly and it felt like I came back to my childhood. The kid version of me, I should say.

I was born with a weak heart, and sadly, it has no cure. No one would ever like to be in my state, right? But God gave this to me. He has a reason, and I will still live my life to the fullest even with this. My parents didn’t know about this until I was delivered. With the devastating news, my parents got upset. Who wouldn’t? I was their first baby, yet I couldn’t live normally because of this sickness. Due to this, they didn’t plan to have another offspring and instead, they bowed to devote their life in taking care of me.

Though being in this state, my parents worked hard to give me a normal life. I was raised well by them; they bought me very nice things I could do at home, like coloring books, DVDs to watch, learning materials and other things until I went to Preschool. Those stuffs were mostly about fairytales, and I was exposed to them. As I grew up, and in every good grades I get, I ask them to buy me different stuffs about fairytales. I’ve seen Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White and other fairy tales as I lived my childhood. Because of this, I had earned the mentality about love; that love is always about nice things and happy endings do exist. And of course, only one person is destined to be my prince charming, the one and only who will come once in my lifetime.

And why wouldn’t I believe in happy endings? I’ve always seen them between mom and dad. We live in a happy ending; we are all happy with our life. I see no problems at all.

Everyone would think I was happy throughout my childhood, to have such kind mom and dad. But to be frank, I lived through a mysterious life, riding along, pretending I don’t care when I do.

What made me say these stuffs?

Sure I do. I do have these Fairytale stuffs, coloring books and good grades that only few girls would get. I’m positive that only few parents would buy these things to their kid, because they are being practical. That’s why they think I’m lucky that all the stuffs I want, my parents give me. But they don’t know that I also have one thing I want, but my parents couldn’t give me.

I am forbidden to have friends. Even when I entered school, in the neighborhood and everywhere I would go. I was taught to be reserved without even knowing the exact reason. My parents began telling me about my condition, and that I would be facing death sooner than the others, only no one knows when. Hearing the word, I had this thought of death as a joke; that after this so called ‘death’ I could live back to my normal life, with mom and dad. So I wondered if I was right. I asked them, but much to disappointment, they kept their mouths shut. Learning of my state, they said I should not do vigorous stuffs like playing, I could not be friends with anybody and I must always be at home. But I felt their information were lacking. I didn’t even know why I followed them in this, but seeing those looks in their eyes, I pretended to understand. I stayed away from children. I kept myself in my room, coloring books, watching DVDs and other stuffs I can do inside. I’m not even allowed to go outside without their permission.

Thinking about my condition, I still didn’t know what that ‘death’ was exactly about. But since then, I’ve looked forward to a happy death. Maybe this thought was an effect of watching too much fairytales, believing in happy endings.

And though they made me feel loved, I would be lying to myself if I tell everyone I grew up happy. I’ve never experienced a companionship of someone my age, someone I could rely on besides my two precious parents. And that made me lonely.

***

Many years had passed and I had gone through Preparatory and Kindergarten, spending times either alone or with my teacher, always willing to accompany me. Though sometimes I do not speak with her, afraid I might be violating my parent’s command, I thank her for being patient with me. But as life goes on, I soon finished Kindergarten and stepped into Elementary. I thought stepping into another phase of life would be easier, but I was wrong. It was difficult. I grew up as a wallflower of the class, and getting good grades enough to pass each year. I was that ‘weird’ kid of the class. The kid everyone would less care about. But though being alone, my parents never fail to give me a reward every time I pass.  Because in the materials they buy me, I somehow find happiness rather than having a friend.

A lot had also changed in me. I stopped being into these fairytales but focused myself to other things like watching dramas on TV, reading books and surfing the internet. The only one thing the fairytales left me was my belief about prince charming; that only one who’ll ever be for me.

And as I pass by each grade, I learned different pieces of information about death. It’s not a joke, as I had thought at first. It was something people can be afraid of. It is something that will force me to leave my parents here, to start a new life with souls up there. I will leave Earth and live in Heaven with Father. Despite knowing this, I didn’t give up on dreaming about a happy death someday.

They took me to the second floor of the mall, and I’m not surprised many people are inside during vacation. It was practically hard to window shop, since the place seemed crowded. But then when I passed to this Digital and Photography shop, I was attracted to this one black thing. I don’t know why, but it fascinated me. All the photos stuck onto the walls as the shop’s design was heartwarming; happy faces of people whom I don’t even know, yet the aura seemed enjoying and positive. It even made me more attracted to the black thing, because it was so inviting. With a grin slowly forming on my lips, I immediately ran to the window glass and pressed my face on, wanting to get a better look to that black thing. It had this canon-like front with lens in front, the tip was sparkling. Feeling the presence of the parents behind me who followed, I opened my mouth to ask a question and inched my face away in a short distance, my breath fogging up the glass. My eyes weren’t taken off of the thing.

“Umma, what is that black thing? It looks pretty to me.” I asked her. But afterwards, I heard her chuckle shortly with Appa.

“That’s a camera. That canon-looking front there is the zoom, when you want to take a picture up close. It’s a different camera, since it’s an SLR.” She explained.

“It is used to capture memories forever.” Dad added. Hearing what he said, I suddenly had this idea. I could use camera to capture memories of my life here on Earth, so I could bring them to Heaven with me. With this, I told myself, I’ll be able to capture those meaningful moments right before my death, to make them stay forever. I feel happy thinking about this, so I tugged the edge of mom’s short with my ever-loving puppy eyes.

“Umma, tell Appa to buy this for me.” I beg her. She looked at Appa with a smile and my hair gently. Her touch felt heartwarming. Appa looked at me and gave a satisfied sigh.

“I guess you deserve it.” He uttered. I jumped in joy hearing his decision. Like a girl who just won a lottery, I felt happy. Even way more than that. So when I die, I will not be lonely, I told myself. We immediately went in the shop and I was left to stare at the camera from the inside, letting my parents handle the payments at the counter.

As I stare to the camera, imagining what wonderful things I could do with it, I was distracted by this kid who was sitting on a chair near me. He seemed to be around my age, and looking like he was annoyed with me. I took one last look on the camera before I decided to approach him, curious about the way he looked at me.

“Excuse me, is there any problem?” I asked, initiating our conversation. But he just smirked, crossed his arms and looked away, looking all boastful. This made me feel a little bit irritated. I thought of leaving him before I say anything worse but as I step backward to walk away, he looked at me from the corner of his eyes.

“Hey,” He called out. I stopped and looked at him innocently.

“Why are you looking at that camera? It’s dangerous.” He told me. I was stunned, hearing things from him to a wonderful thing like that.

“What dangerous?” I questioned him. “My parents are buying that for me.”

“Don’t!” He warned, and he suddenly faced me.

“Who are you to stop me?”

He fell silent, looking down, his eyes focused on the floor.

“My father died with that thing.” He uttered. I was speechless upon hearing the unexpected. I immediately understood that he hates camera just because of what happened to his father. But though his facial expression seemed pitiful, but it would not still change my decision of buying it.

“Is that so?” I paused. “But I’m still buying that.” I continued. He looked up to me, his face grimaced.

“You’ll just be dying with that thing! That’s a killer! That killed my dad!” He uttered.

“I don’t care!  I want to buy that!” I argued, but something tells me he would not stop until I say I’ll not buy that.

“You’re a fool for doing so! You have a rotten attitude just like your face!” He retorted. I grew frustrated and I stomped my foot.

“I don’t even know you! Why do it seem like you want to control me?”

“Why won’t you trust me?”

“’Cause I don’t know you! And I want to buy that!” I lastly uttered before we both fell in silence, and his hurtful words kept on infuriating me. My fists were clenched from our conversation. I never wanted to see this boy ever again, even in the future. He has no heart. He’s aggressive. With his attitude, I dislike him. Just exactly when I wanted to walk away from him, I heard my parents calling over for me. And when I began to walk away to go to them, the boy called out again.

“Wait.” He told me. With my eye brows crouched, I faced him again.

“Sorry. I guess I was just in a bad mood today.” He scratched the back of his head and my mood seems to lighten a bit. So this guy has a heart too. He suddenly reached out his right hand and I could see his small heart-shaped birthmark on his wrist. I was surprised when I realized he’s asking for a handshake.

“Friends?”

His word led me into a trance. Many thought came running in. I have this moment to make a friend. Shall I permit myself? But my parents… they will be disappointment. But I really wanted to have a friend, right? Him, coming unexpectedly to be my friend is once in a lifetime.

I looked at him, and the annoyed facial expression on his face was wiped off. His lips formed a little smile. But I took steps backward and quickly ran away, leaving his hand hanging, afraid of the decision I might make. I should not be friends with anyone, remember? I would only hurt myself.

And at that time, I thought it will be the last of him.

Years had passed. I’ve gone through Elementary and MIddle School with good grades, and still keeping my word of not making any friends. It was more difficult than ever, seeing some girl in my class, enjoying every day with her peers. Sometimes, I would wish I was her, living happily with a strong and normal heart.  And sometimes I think I’m just given a temporary life to experience what this world is. It would trigger the hidden loneliness in my heart, and I would prefer to be alone at that times. During those times that I feel empty, I would reach for my camera and take random beautiful pictures to appreciate the life given to me. That I should be thankful I was given life even though it’s only for temporary use.

That’s when I embraced photography. Cameras became the extension of me, believing that it would always bring me happiness.

When I finally entered High School, I found out that gadgets weren’t allowed. It was such a disappointment upon knowing that, but it didn’t stop me. I had this plan that I would sneak my camera inside sometimes and take secret pictures. And my plan worked.

 No one knows this except for my favorite Math teacher, Ms. Kwon. She knows the reason why I do this, and she doesn’t disagree. And though I do this, I wasn’t even caught once.

Sometimes, I would also take pictures of trees that bloom in Spring, and the people inside school, and other random things I would want to remember. Those things fascinate me. I don’t know why, but they are certainly the things I want to look at before I die.

I spent the First Semester of my Freshmen year making picture albums, developing pictures and cherishing each moment I could live, as I maintain my good grades at school. Who knows when will I die? I can take as many pictures as I want, and look at them once before I will leave Earth.

Time passes by again. It was already October, the beginning of Autumn. Two months had passed since the Second semester started and yet I’m only two months away until its end. Another year passes. Another level of anxiety forms. More pessimistic thoughts cloud up my mind.

What if next year… is the time for me to die?

I had always kept that in my mind, making it somehow my secret motto. To motivate me to live my life to the fullest everyday, to be optimistic everytime I’m down.

And on those months that I passed, I taught myself not to cling onto things too much that I never wanted to let go. I learned how to keep myself calm, for one heart-stopping event could push my heart to the edge and lead to my end.  And ofcourse, the dream to find my prince charming was gone along with the wind. I don’t believe in it anymore. It is only for stories, never to be applied in life.

One weekend in October, I was almost done taking pictures with my camera in the park. It was a wonderful and lovely time to take pictures because the beautiful mini-paths of the park were embellished with trees on each side. And like the trees seen during autumn, their leaves were turning brown and some of them were falling. The scene looks amazing, and definitely one of the times I’ll miss here on Earth.

But unluckily, I realized my camera’s memory got full. I need to develop the pictures in order to take more pictures. But when I looked at the sky, I found out that it was already dusk. Night time is falling. I hesitated whether to go to the Digital shop, which is a little bit far away from here or go home instead. But thinking about it, I have no time to do this tomorrow, so I pushed through my plan. I quickly left the park to go the Digital Shop.

The pictures took too long to be developed, and it was nearly 7 when I started walking home. The shallow street I walked towards home was barely illuminated by lights, and empty. Silence seemed to be irritating in my ear, and I tried to keep myself calm. Something might happen, I told myself. I need to be careful.

Ad my guesses were right. Few more meters until I reach home, I saw a gang of boys coming into my way. They looked drunk and they smelled liquor. My heart reacted to the anxiety that began building up in me, but I clenched my fists, bracing myself and kept myself calm. Nothing will happen, I told myself and hoped for the best.

But I was wrong. They suddenly blocked my way, blabbering incoherently and laughing their heads off on things I don’t understand. They looked gangsters, who couldn’t do anything but to waste their lives. My calmness was beginning to wear off. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Lord, I uttered in my mind, please don’t let me die this way, I continued. And I opened my eyes, startled to see them infront of me.

“What are you doing here, all alone pretty lady?”One of those 5 men asked me, and I stayed quiet. I decided to walk forward, to the part of the path where they weren’t blocking. What was worse was because of the bare light, I could only see their silhouette. I couldn’t see their faces. And before I could pass by them, they blocked me again.

“You haven’t answered our question yet.” Another guy uttered.

“I’m going home.” I whispered, not audible enough for them to hear.

“What?” The same guy uttered again, this time holding my shoulders. My eyes grew widened with fear as I realized the rest of the gang approached me.

“She’s really beautiful. Nice catch tonight.” Another guy uttered. I felt frustration and stress building in me, and letting them out would lead me to a because of my heart.

“Leave me alone.” I warned them, hoping my tone would scare them away. But they laughed sarcastically.

“Leave me alone!” Another guy mimicked in a girly voice, leading them to another fit of laughs.

“I’m warning you. I can call the police!” I reached out for my bag to get my cell phone but one of them quickly snatched it away from me. Panic began rising in me.

“Now you can’t. You will come with us!” The guy who spoke first said.

“We will have a lot of fun tonight!”Another guy added. Realizing it would be hopeless for me, I slowly gave up. They can do whatever they want to me now. Even if they don’t, I will still live my life shortly.

And as two of them grab a hold of my both hands to take me away with them, I heard a voice coming from somewhere near.

“You guys really get into my nerve. After our alley gang fight earlier, you still have the guts to take an innocent girl?” A manly voice said. They stopped, and I heard a smirk coming from the gang. I managed to turn my head and look at that guy who might save me. But I couldn’t see a face again. I only saw his silhouette.

“Ah, you little boy. You and your gang can go beat us, but atleast let us have our own fun.” One guy, who seemed to be the leader of the gang who captured me, spoke.

“Don’t annoy me. Let go of her. She’s not the one you should be toying around.” He replied. I saw the leader’s head had nodded to the two guys who held me and soon they took me to a near, slightly-lighted side of the road. The one of the two went back to their group and the one was left to guard me. From a far, I could hear them speak. They were all facing that one guy.

“How about a combat? If we won, we’ll take the girl. Think about it. One against 5.” He told him. But I heard no hesitation.

“Bring it on.”

As soon as he said those words, the guys began attacking him together. It was like I was watching an action movie, but my life depends on the protagonist’s victory. The fight looked dangerous, kicking and hitting each other in every part they could hit. I suddenly felt fear. What if the guy dies infront of me… saving my life. But then it would be useless, because I will also die soon. It’s like risking something important for a much less important thing. I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands, praying and hoping this fight will end soon.

It seemed like an eternity, as I heard those loud grunts and shrieks of those guys everytime they’re hit. I almost wanted to cry, but it would be useless. Minutes pass, and it seemed like years. I waited for the moment I could hear nothing but peace. I want to go home. I want to go back to my sweet lair.

“Miss?” I heard a voice. That same manly voice of the guy who came to save me. I looked up, and I saw this man taller than me, yet his face was still unseen by the lack of light. I looked around and I saw those 5 men, lying on the ground, looking lifeless. I gasped.

“You killed them?” I asked, somewhat accusing him. But I heard a chuckle.

“No. I kicked their buts until they fell unconscious.” He wittingly replied. I smiled in relief. Then, he helped me stand up and handed me something. It was my bag. He retrieved it back for me. And as he handed my bag back, I saw something on his wrist.

That heart-shaped birthmark. I saw it again…

I accepted my bag and held onto it tightly, and looked at him again. This time, I was desperate to see his face.

“Thank you.” That was all I could utter. And before I could even open my mouth again to speak, he ran away to the opposite direction to where my house is. I was stunned, yet thankful for saving my life and no one got killed.

As I started to walk home, surely keeping what happened only to myself, I was bothered by the thought that he might be the same guy who annoyed me years ago, and the first one to ask me to be my friend.

But how many in this country has a heart-shaped birthmark on a right wrist?

Could it possibly be that same kid?