When i was younger, my mother would hum me a song and brush my hair for a while. We'd sit on the bed and I'd listen to her soft voice. I always envied that about her. She was so poised and beautiful. Then there was me...who was a klutz and plain looking. Of course my parents always told me that I was pretty naturally and with time I'd grow up to be a beautiful woman. It's one of the few lasting memories I had about them. 

I don't remember much about the fire. All I remember was being engulfed by black smoke. My lungs ached and I couldn't see straight. I fell out of my bed and tried crawling out of the room. I could hear my mother screaming and my brother crying . How could they scream so much? I couldn't even catch my breath with all the smoke. I pressed my hand to the door to open it, but I just couldn't find the strength. Before I knew it I had lost consciousness. When I woke up I was in an ambulance and people were running around...strangers I had never seem in my life, mixed along with nosy neighbors.

My therapist said I was 'repressing' the memory of what happened that day.  But why would I repress lighting a candle? That's what the investigators said the fire was caused by. I lit a candle and left it on before falling asleep. I murdered my parents and baby brother. 

I felt sore, my body ached and I could hear beeping in the background...it sort of sounded like a heart monitor of some kind. I clenched my eyes momentarily before opening them. I was in a hospital room, wires coming in and out of the gown I was clothed in. That's when I remembered what happened in the locker rooms...but how long ago was that?

My eyes looked over the dull room. I never understood why hospitals were made to look so depressing, like the needles and smell weren't bad enough.

"Oh, you're awake. We were getting worried." I noticed a nurse smiling tenderly at me with a clipboard in hand. Guess I was out for a while. "You've been here for three days now. I'm sorry to say you have a broken rib," so that's why it hurt to breathe. "And you suffered a slight concussion to your head. Those nasty girls gave you a good beating, but don't worry the school and police are doing the best they can to find out who they were." I nodded curtly, choosing to look away. I didn't want sympathy from a stranger. Anything I got was well deserved. This was my karma for killing my family and I was starting to believe all the rumors myself.

 The nurse took my vitals silently once she realized I wasn't up for talking to anyone. She hummed softly in satisfaction as everything seemed to be normal. I just wanted to be alone. I was pretty much done with humanity these days. 

"So you're up. You've caused a lot of trouble, you know. I hope you get a job soon. These medical bills aren't going to pay themselves. I don't know what makes you think I'm made of money." My aunt's nasally voice rang in my ears, nagging away at all the trouble I was bringing her. It was like I became a bad omen. 

"Ma'am, she's still very weak and there are plenty of programs available to help with the medical expenses." My aunt glared at the intruding nurse, pursing her lips, her wrinkly nose scrunching up. "With all due respect, I would appreciate it if you kept a professional tone with me. I don't have time for kids, you know. I'm a very busy woman. I have bills of my own to pay. I didn't ask to have her intrude in my home."

"I'm sorry ma'am, but you're being unreasonable-,"

"Unreasonable is this devil of a girl walking the streets fine and dandy when her family was killed off by a stupid mistake she made. I have no immediate family because of this girl. So before you go on and attempt to save her soul or something I want to remind you that you are a nurse and it is not your place."

I gnawed at my lower lip the whole time they bickered.  Eventually the nurse bit her tongue and nodded curtly before informing my aunt that I was free to go tomorrow. The doctor advised her that I should stay out of school until my rib healed, which would take a couple of weeks, but my aunt turned to me with hateful eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest, scoffing out. "I don't house bums. You'll be going to school the day after tomorrow so don't even think you'll be sleeping around while I'm slaving at work for you." 

She left after that and I was able to breathe again. I blinked several times in order to stop the tears that wanted to fall. I didn't want to cry. I was so tired of crying. I wanted to be numb again. No...I wanted to be with Jiyong...where ever he was. 

That dream I had when I first out, it had seemed so real. We flew for what seemed like hours, the world he showed me was beautiful. I was there for a week...or at least that's how it seemed. I remembered once reading that dreams are usually just seconds long even if they actually felt like days. I'd give up all the seconds in the world to be there for an eternity. 

Jiyong was beautiful. He was sweet and tender. He cared for me and when we were watching the purple sunset on a grassy hill I smiled again. I was happy, something I hadn't felt in such a long time. 

I started crying then because I realized that happiness wasn't real. It was an illusion my mind made up to escape my reality and the fact that I would never be able to really touch Jiyong hurt. It hurt just as much as losing my family. 

I sniffled a bit and looked over at the window, growing wide-eyed when I realized there was a yellow butterfly fluttering outside. 

I'm on a roll! Thanks for the subs and comments, loves. 

Until next time, kiddos.