II.A COMMON THREAD

She climbed the steps two at a time, subconsciously cursing her obsession with Jimmy Choo’s while trying to disregard the pain in her feet, but she was too excited to slow down now. It had been a while since she was last in Seoul and in that time so much had changed. Too much.

Her parents weren’t too thrilled with her decision to study abroad. “Why can’t you stay in Korea? Isn’t it enough?” they asked. “You have a scholarship for Seoul’s top university, a nice house, a job waiting for you. Have you changed your mind?”

“No.” Nayoung just wanted to live a little before settling down. She wanted to be free, for a couple of years at least, from her overbearing parents and a luxurious lifestyle that she didn’t even earn. She wanted to make a life for herself, ensure everything she had was because of how hard she worked, not because she inherited it. So after her acceptance letter into Stanford University, she bought a one way ticket to San Francisco and promised herself she would only buy a ticket home when she had found herself, when she deserved it.

Nayoung reached the landing and steadied herself, catching her breath and repeating her motto silently – pain is worth the beauty. She placed her perfectly manicured hands on the push bar of the door and took a deep breath. As she pushed down and released the door, light flooded down the staircase and Nayoung was blinded, but only for a moment before the light slowly melted away, revealing the neat roof top garden of the SM building.

Yunho stood facing the south corner with his hands in his pockets, overlooking the beauty of Seoul in the afternoon breeze. He was different than she last remembered, taller, more muscular, shorter hair, but beyond the physical, Nayoung recognised it as maturity and wisdom. Yunho’s confident aura had changed, like a soldier who had returned home, proud of his victory but shaped nonetheless by all the battles along the way and she knew he had fought his battle for so long. Nayoung gently closed the door behind her and leant against the wall. She folded her arms as she studied him. What was he thinking? What was running through his mind? She had always known him to be difficult to understand. He hid his thoughts so well and rarely wore his heart on his sleeve, even his closest friends couldn’t read him during his deepest moments and Nayoung had always been one of the closest. Sometimes she thought even the fans did a better job of understanding him just through pictures than she did after a lengthy conversation.

They hadn’t spoken very much during her absence, both of them too busy with their own lives to aid in making each other’s choices like they did before, but when they did they spoke for hours. She had been the first person Yunho spoke to about his concern for the future of the group, pouring his heart out to her one night while she worked on a presentation for class, but she was halfway around the world and there was only so much comfort she could offer over the phone, let alone fix the whole problem. When the lawsuit was announced, Nayoung was hardly surprised but shattered nonetheless and felt some sort of guilt building up inside her. Did I fail him? Maybe. They spoke over the phone only once after that and she waited until her return before talking to him face to face again, thinking if she’d learnt anything about Yunho in all their years of friendship, she knew he was the type to think things over alone.

In the car on the way to the SM building, Nayoung had been terrified of facing him after everything had changed. But the thought that plagued her most was the question she tried to keep herself from asking every night, in fear of the answer. If I stayed would things have been different? If I hadn’t been so selfish, so curious… would things still have fallen apart? She wondered if coming home was a good idea, after all, home was supposed to be a place of sanctuary, security, a constant of stability, however home was different now and what was the point of coming home to something that, well, wasn’t exactly home anymore. But now as she watched him in silence, basking in the glory of being at the top of Seoul, her fear disappeared, knowing that things weren’t as black and white as she had previously thought.

“The secretary told me I would find you up here,” Nayoung said with a smirk.

Yunho, recognising the voice immediately, his heels and a smile replaced his solemn expression. He broke into a light jog as Nayoung pushed herself off the wall and slowly walked to meet him in a tight embrace.

“I missed you so much,” he mumbled into her shoulder.

“I’ve missed you too.” They exchanged pleasantries and smiles for a few minutes before both of them remembered reality and that they weren’t normal people in a normal situation.

Nayoung placed both hands on Yunho’s shoulders and looked him intently in his eyes. “What happened?” she asked with a low and steady voice, her expression telling him she wasn’t leaving without a serious explanation.

He met her fierce stare briefly before opening his mouth to speak, instead he sighed deeply before turning to face the view of Seoul once again. Yunho leant his forearms on the railing allowing Nayoung to get comfortable before he started. She had the whole city to take in but the sight of Yunho as conflicted as this was enough.

“Honestly, Nayoung, I don’t even know what happened. One moment we were all happy and at the height of our success and the next, things suddenly came crashing down. I should have tried harder, fought longer, but I couldn’t hold up this pretence anymore and in the end…” he looked up at her, expecting a look of sympathy but Nayoung’s face hadn’t changed, “I guess I wasn’t strong enough.”

Their friendship had never been based on false hope and masks hiding their true intensions like many relationships in this world were so Nayoung had never felt the need to pity her dear friend, even now when he was most vulnerable and broken. They had a relationship where they could critique each other without holding back in case one was hurt. They understood and probably knew each other better than they knew themselves. Something inside Nayoung softened upon hearing Yunho say the last part and she knew she was back in Seoul not only to take on SM Entertainment as was the official reason, but to try and fix something so damaged, not even the gods would attempt it.

“Yunho,” she whispered, letting her serious exterior subside, “You’re stronger than you think. I know you’re probably beating yourself up inside but for what it’s worth, I never doubted you. Do you honestly believe it would have made you a better leader if they stayed? Or if you had left with them? Being a leader is more than keeping your members together, it’s about doing what’s best for all of you in the long run so that you’re all happy.”

Yunho straightened up, waiting for her to continue. “The easy way out would have been to stay with your friends and keep all five of you together but in splitting up, you ensured that if JYJ failed, they’d have something to come back to. You made sure the TVXQ reputation wasn’t completely ruined. You did that as the leader, not as the friend and I don’t know about everyone else but I am so proud of you for making that decision. I know you wonder all the time if it was the right decision to make but only you know the answer. You never think you’re strong enough, that crying makes you weak, that showing your feelings makes you vulnerable,” she circled her arms around his neck and pulled him in for another hug, full of sorrow and faith. “But I think you deserve to let your guard down a little now, to show you’re human, that you make mistakes, that after everything,” she pulled away and held him at an arm’s distance, “You still haven’t given up.”

They exchanged sad smiles, standing in the warmth of the afternoon sun and the safety of each other until Nayoung’s phone sounded and she reached into her bag to answer it.

“Yep… I’ll be there in a few minutes… okay, bye.” Nayoung ended the call and threw her phone back in her bag before meeting Yunho’s eyes again. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Lunch tomorrow?” Yunho asked, like they had gone back to the comfortable ease of their friendship before she left already.

“Sure. I’ll clear my schedule.” Nayoung turned towards the staircase, heading back to corporate reality.

Yunho watched as she walked with that confident stride and innate appeal he had missed so much. He decided he would get in a few hours of dance rehearsal before heading home and followed her trail. At least some things are starting to come back together again, he thought. Some things.

*                     *                   *

“Meeting running late. Will be down in 10. Order first,” Nayoung quickly thumbed, trying to keep the taps of her fingernails on her phone screen to a bare minimum. She checked the time again and sighed, today was only her first day back and she was already letting Hwayoung down. The room suddenly burst into a round of applause and Nayoung dropped her phone on her lap, gracefully clapping as she flashed a condescending smile towards the young gentleman who had just finished his presentation.

On the far side of the room from him sat Lee Soo Man, silently praising the young man with a sincere nod of approval and a genuine smile.

“Well done, Seung Hyun. Another well prepared presentation with innovative ideas.” Nayoung rolled her eyes, another well prepared up to Lee Soo Man more like. “Meeting adjourned. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” The corporate staff of SM Entertainment began to shuffle papers and rearrange folders, the noise in the conference room building as Nayoung sank away. “Nayoung,” she sat up immediately, her eyes darting over to the chairman of the infamous company who was starting to stand up. “Do you have a minute?”

“Er…” Nayoung glanced at the clock again. She was late, but she couldn’t say no, not to this man. “I guess.”

After everyone else left the room, Nayoung slung her bag over her shoulder and walked towards Lee Soo Man.

“It’s good to see you again,” he smiled and she shot a smile back.

“Likewise.”

“How was America?”

“It was…” she paused. It was a lot of things, a mixture of good and bad. “It was the best experience of my life so far.”

“That’s good to hear. You know, Stanford isn’t an easy feat. I’m very proud of you.” Glad I made the notorious Lee Soo Man proud then, she thought sarcastically. “How are you enjoying your first day back? I know it’s a lot to take in, you just landed after a long plane ride and you haven’t had much time to rest but I’m glad you’re making an effort.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, one that was intentionally full of comfort but she didn’t feel his empathy, instead she wondered how the man standing before her had stood by letting so much fall apart inside these very walls. But Nayoung had always been an expert in hiding her true opinions.

“It was fairly enjoyable. The meetings aren’t too tedious, and I’m not too tired” she lied.

“Good,” he nodded enthusiastically, “Very good.” His comforting hand became an entire arm around her shoulders as he turned and began to walk towards the glass doors, leading her along the way. “I want you to get used to the corporate side of things at SM, not just the entertainment. After all, very soon it will be you sitting at the head of the table at these meetings.” He paused at the doorway, dropping his arm so they could part their ways. “I have put a lot of faith in you, Nayoung, my darling niece.”

She smiled again, silently reminding herself fake smiles gave her wrinkles. “I won’t let you down, uncle.”

He gave her one last pat on the shoulder before strolling in the direction of his office. “Like I need another reminder that we’re related,” she muttered under her breath as she watched him, shameless and full of pride. “I can’t choose my family,” Nayoung started down the hall as he turned the corner while images of her dear Hwayoung flashed across her mind, “But I can sure choose my friends.”

 

*                     *                   *

Park Hwayoung sat at a seat next to the window, resting her head on a propped up arm and listlessly stirring her coffee. She was used to Nayoung running late but never complained, she understood Nayoung led a busy lifestyle and was just grateful to have her as a friend. Even so, Hwayoung had been waiting for Nayoung for a while now, two years to be exact and she was beginning to miss the bright spark in her life. She lifted the dainty cup to her lips and sipped her coffee slowly while looking out the window at nothing in particular until the all too familiar swish of glossy black hair caught her attention.

Further down the street, Nayoung stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, flicked off her sunglasses and tossed her hair back. She leant forward to focus in on the little café as Hwayoung put down her cup and waved casually through the window. Nayoung returned it with a brilliant wide smile and a huge frantic wave of her arms before she continued towards the café. In a matter of seconds, Nayoung burst through the door, the jingle of the bell unheard amongst her immediate chatter of an incoherent “how are you” and rushed “I’ve missed you so much”.

They shared a long hug and a few kisses on the cheeks before Nayoung ordered her coffee and sat down across from Hwayoung.

“So,” Nayoung said matter-of-factly, resting her chin on her hands as a waiter brought her her order. “How’s life? How’s Seoul? How’s the acting going?”

“Good, I guess,” Hwayoung tried to keep the self-deprecation from her voice, not wanting to sound too ungrateful but it was hard not to.

“Okay, great!” Nayoung took a quick sip of her coffee before returning to her position. “Now tell me the truth.”

Hwayoung looked away and giggled. Trust Nayoung to see through her lies. “I haven’t been getting much work. I know you pulled some strings in getting me that part in Paradise Ranch and I didn’t want to burden you again. You already did so much for me.”

Nayoung took Hwayoung’s hand and held it firmly. “Burden me? You’re my best friend, how could you possibly think you could be a burden to me?” She raised her eyebrows incredulously before patting her friend’s hand and returning to her coffee. “But it’s okay now because I’m back and about to take on my part in SM so you have nothing to worry about.”

“Nayoung…” Hwayoung started.

“No. I just want the best for you. Can’t it be a coincidence that your best friend just so happens to hold the key to pretty much all the doors in Seoul?” Nayoung shrugged as she took her cup and leant back in her chair. “Besides, this is my way of paying you back.”

Hwayoung furrowed her brows as she searched through her mind for anything she could possibly have given Nayoung. “Um… for what?”

Nayoung looked around the café and pouted her lips. “I don’t know,” she said nonchalantly, “For being there when I needed someone? For standing by me.”

Hwayoung threw her head back and laughed. “Like that could even compare to everything you did for me. Being your friend was all I had to offer to someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” Nayoung pointed at herself in mock offence and giggled. “Exactly. You gave me everything you had and now it’s time I return the favour by giving you everything I have.” They exchanged grateful smiles before Nayoung broke eye contact and reached into her bag. “Which reminds me, you don’t mind if I do some work while we’re here do you? The head of the acting management gave me some drama summaries to look over, I’ll see if there’s anything here that could be good for you.” She looked up as she flicked through a small folder. “Tell me everything. What have I missed?”

Hwayoung eyed the portfolio, hoping that something in there would be the ticket to her dreams. “Not much, well not with me anyway. Although, do you remember that director that tried to get me to sleep with him?” Nayoung nodded while skimming over a plot summary. “A few other actresses spoke up and he got fired.”

“Are you serious?” Nayoung looked up from the page she was on. “That’s great. Gosh he was such an .”

“Yeah. My new part is okay. It’s not even really a part, I’m more like an extra, but I can’t complain. At least I have something, right?”

Wrong. Nayoung began to tune out as she read over the summary of Cinderella Cover Story, the perfect part for her best friend. She thought Hwayoung was so deserving of something more than a measly side role and Nayoung would do everything in her power to get her what she deserved. She read over the character profiles once again and slowly looked up from the folder at Hwayoung who was still going on about how appreciative she was of her new part but Nayoung saw right through her transparency. She didn’t blame her, after all if it was Nayoung who had spent the majority of two years withstanding sleazy directors and managers, she’d want some decent work too. But then again, Nayoung already had everything she needed, Hwayoung didn’t.

Yes, she thought as she continued to smile and nod as Hwayoung raved on, you’ll be perfect for this part. And I know exactly who I should cast for the male lead.

“Hwayoung,” Nayoung interrupted, “I think I’ve found the one.” She gulped down the rest of her coffee as she picked up her bag. “I’m sorry I have to cut this short but I need to get on this now before someone else gets cast.” She rushed her words as she always did when she was excited and this was perhaps her most exciting idea in a while. “Don’t worry,” she kissed Hwayoung on the cheek, “I’m doing this for you.” Her hand rested on the door and she flashed Hwayoung one last smile. “I’ll call you later. This is going to be so great.” And Nayoung was off, flying down the street back in the direction of the SM building, leaving behind a stunned and hopeful Hwayoung alone again in the café.

Nayoung whipped her sunglasses back on to shield her eyes from the blaring afternoon sun. She dove her hand back in her bag and fished around for her phone. Looking both ways, she crossed the street, elegant as ever even after the hurried nature in which she left. She sifted through her contact list for her assistant.

“Ji Yun, I need you to find out someone’s number… Kim Jaejoong.”

 

*                     *                   *

With his hands clasped around the wheel, he steered the vehicle steadily through the labyrinth of modernity, eyes languidly moving back and forth between the seemingly endless road that lay ahead and the flashes of night lights. Somehow, this all felt foreign to him - the people passing by on the streets clad in fur coats, the majestic skyscrapers, the bursts of coloured lights - nothing felt the same anymore.

Perhaps it was because he had retreated into himself for too long or perhaps it was because this view was not something he shared with the one person he’d shared everything with for the past six years. There was no doubt that things had changed and as much as Jaejoong tried to accept and embrace the new world he had decidedly plunged himself into, he couldn’t help but feel as though his attempts were futile. How could he open his arms to a world so empty? What, or rather who else would he embrace?

This space between his arms - the closest anyone could physically get to his heart - belonged to Yunho. He had met girls whom he had loved before - like HyoJoo, for example, when they filmed Heaven’s Postman together but they could never keep him for long. When the passion and the excitement of new beginnings dwindled, Jaejoong always turned back to Yunho. Nobody could anchor him down to his roots like Yunho did - nobody, not even himself.

He glanced into the rear-view mirror before swiftly cutting into the left lane. His gaze drifted to the digital clock - 6:53. He would probably make it just on time to meet Junsu and Yoochun for dinner at a small Korean diner they visited more often than not for the privacy - the food was only mediocre.

He realised that Christmas was fast approaching and felt his heart sink a little - this would be the first Christmas he was spending without Yunho or Changmin. During the process of the split, Jaejoong spent most of his time meditating upon the consequences - this moment was not an exception. He had thought out this moment several times, asking himself what would a festive season like Christmas feel like without two people who were as important to him as family. They had only known each other for a few years but it seemed like an entire lifetime.

The success and failures that they shared amongst themselves; the secrets that only they would know, the memories that they held - these things were enough to make life worth living. The extent of their successes could fill one lifetime but not even that was enough for him. Nothing was enough to mask this pain.

He knew he could never relive any of these things again because even if they were to reunite under the name Dong Bang Shin Ki, they would never see each other or life in the same way. Things that that they hadn’t meant had been released from the trappings of their minds - these words couldn’t be taken back. Things had changed. Jaejoong accepted that but that by no means meant that he wasn’t afraid. He feared what this foreign world would mean for him. All this time he had been Jaejoong of DBSK but now? He was Jaejoong of JYJ and though he knew that JYJ was a permanent thing, he would always see it as a sub-unit of DBSK. It was the only way things seemed bearable.

Jaejoong had always been strong-willed but even people who were independent needed something to be independent from. Jaejoong feared being lonely - he hated the way space and time seemed to go to waste whenever he was alone and he hated the way it revealed how empty his life had become. His bank account had expanded at a growing rate but all this money; this wealth - what was the point if he couldn’t buy the thing he needed most? Love. He needed love and care - two things he lived off because knowing he was once an orphan made him more insecure than he would have liked anyone to know. Except, Yunho knew - the man knew everything about him.

So how could he? How could Yunho know how much Jaejoong needed him and still deprive him of it, clearly aware that he was capable of giving it to Jaejoong. In fact, he was probably the only one who could give Jaejoong the love he needed.

He sighed, eyes drearily scanning the avenue for a space to park.

Life without Yunho was a particularly daunting thing. He had had time to adjust to life alone but how could one go on living without someone they loved - how could anyone possibly get used to that?

What was the use of having a car if you had nowhere to park it?

What was the using of existing if you had no one who appreciated you for who you were? The only people close enough to him to know who he really was were s but now that a part of the group had fallen away, he felt as though he was only half alive. Half living. Barely making it through each day because all these thoughts in his mind - all these circulating memories, it made him feel as though he was trapped in a vacuum where the past, present and future were all spun together into one period of time.

He couldn’t tell one thing apart from the other. He was exhausted - tired of having to guess, of having to think, of having to sort through this tangled web. Perhaps it was better to leave it as it was - to just accept things as they were.