Sometimes, we lose ourselves to those we love and more often than not, we unsheathe the ugliest part of ourselves but even then, to me it is one of the most sincere portrayals of the self. For that, I recognise this person - judged and criticised - as Kim Jaejoong and admittedly, I am not ashamed. Although, I must also add that I am more than simply apologetic for hurting those that I hold close to my heart, yet even then, I hope all of you can understand that I am only being me. It pains me to say this, but I will for the sake of my love for you - please forgive me, not for a crime or a sin but for being who I am. Please forgive me because I fear that if you all begin to grow hatred, I will come to hate myself too. 

- KIM JAEJOONG

He looked at the words on the screen, reading it through one more time before he took a fleeting glance at the time. 3:17PM. He had spent the past hour writing and re-writing his formal apology to his fans but somehow, he had managed to address these words to his own lover. As he read the passage he had written for the final time, he couldn’t deny the uncanny way in which he had subconsciously managed to say the words he had been afraid to say: I’m sorry, Yunho-ah. 

He wondered if he was too late now and if anyone at all waited for this apology of his but Jaejoong knew better than to think about the audiences’ response - right now, more than anything, he needed his own peace of mind.  Raking a hand through his soft black hair, he clicked the ‘POST’ button and  as soon as the confirmation pop-up appeared, he left his study and made his way to the minibar he frequented recently. 

He decided he would go with a Bourbon on the rocks, only to find that he had finished it the day before or perhaps it had been two days already; maybe even a week - he didn’t know. All he knew was that he was alone now - not even his friends wanted to stay behind. Dejectedly, he pulled the closest bottle of liquor he had from the rack and popped the lid off. He took a long swig of the strong beverage and winced but managed to muster a bitter smile. 

“Vodka.” He nodded in approval before pulling the bottle back to his lips again. When he had had enough for the moment, he held the bottle in the light of the dreary Autumn sun flooding into his living room. He pulled his eyes up to it so that he could observe the world from behind the splashing liquid - he couldn’t seem to stand still. 

That didn’t surprise him though because he realised in the short period of a week that he was losing control of absolutely everything. Everything was spiraling out of control before his very eyes and all he could do was stand and watch the consequences of his actions begin to impact on his life. He was losing everything - falling away from the usual charismatic man he managed to muster for the public eye. 

Pitiful. You are very pitiful Jaejoong. Indeed... very, very pitiful. 

He stared out onto the balcony through the glass bottle, laughing at the way things distorted before his eyes. He was amused - not by the sight but by the sadness he had brought upon himself. As his gaze swept across the whole view of the city, he noticed the wind chime hanging in the corner and was reminded of two people he should have cherished while they were by his side.

Five years ago, (though it seemed more like another life ago to Jaejoong) Yunho had made this childish wind chime for him as a birthday gift. Dangling from chains of metal were the best fan drawings of each member. Back then, he had never made much of it because it was just a simple wind chime but now, as he stood in this pathetic state, he wished he could return to those happier days. Those days where his future and his aspirations for his music were as clear as the Vodka he drank to mystify the ugly truth of the world. 

What had happened? How did he let the best of his dreams completely disintegrate in his own hands? How could he? 

The second person he thought of was her - Park HwaYoung. In recent months, in one of his arguments with Yunho (he had had so many arguments with Yunho he could no longer tell one from the other), they had managed to break the wind chime. He had wanted to throw it away but she had come to him with a force that held so much power over him that it persuaded him to let her fix it. Piece by piece, chain by chain. she put the entire thing back together in the same way she fought to keep Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho’s romance a reality. 

He was infinitely thankful to her and he had not realised but he had grown to love her in a way he never thought imaginable. No, it was not the romantic attachment one would think of, for Jaejoong’s love for Yunho consumed all of him - every piece of his shattered and aching heart. He loved her in a different way - one that exceeded that of a familial bond even. She was the only remotely normal thing in his life and even then, she could be deemed strange in the eyes of others. Regardless of this, though, he had realised that the relationship they shared was one of the mutual kind - one that was sustained on the basis of giving and taking. At least this was so in the beginning. 

Then Yunho came back into the picture and things just unravelled out of this so called normalcy. He lost her in the act of trying to keep him but in the end, his jealousy saw the demise of anything that he and Yunho ever had. He just hoped, Yunho, being his other half - his soul mate, could understand him. He needed forgiveness but could only hope for it. 

He staggered back to his room, looking at the display of photos she had so carefully framed of Dong Bang Shin Ki and everything surrounding their group. On the display, there was only one photo of him and her together - he wished he had taken more to commemorate this friendship and made a note that if she ever returned, he would try to love her. Though, he knew that he was only doing it out of fear of being lonely and he knew that he did not stand a chance against Changmin. 

So he drank... and drank... and drank... until everything from three years ago surged to the surface of his mind, giving him the second chance he pleaded for.