You're speechless. There's no other way to describe the feeling that's clutching your heart and grasping your tongue, preventing you from thinking much less saying a word that could even be remotely coherent. You're speechless. That's all there is to it.

Himchan deflates when he realizes the magnitude of what he's just said and buries an ashamed head in his hands. "Sorry, I just ... "

"I can't believe you said that," you hoarsely murmur. Everything inside you feels like its about to explode. You want to remain in control and constrained, but all your heart wants to do is yell in anger and desperation. You take a deep breath and mutter, "What the heck are you saying? That he shouldn't be happy anymore, is that it?"

"No, that's not what I mean," Himchan frustratedly replies. "I meant ... I didn't mean it to come out that way, when I said that, I meant ... I don't want him to think he has a chance, alright? He can be happy all he wants. But give him false hope? That'll kill him. That'll kill him more than any sickness could ever do."

"So what the heck are you saying?!" You practically shout. You don't care how outrageous you look, and you don't care that you're making a scene. Right now, what matters is getting these tied up words out of your head before you go insane. "That Yongguk should choose the reality of his future rather than happiness? Is that it? Is it better to die alone, is that it?" You lower your voice, staring at him disbelievingly. "I thought you were his friend."

This knocks Himchan's resolve aside, and you can practically see his heart crumble as soon as you say those words. His eyes water, but he doesn't let any tears spill as he clenches his jaw and replies, "I'm more of a friend to him than you are."

Shoot. You don't want to do this. You don't want to do this right now. You don't want to fight with Yongguk's best friend. You're not helping anybody. Not yourself, not Himchan, and especially not Yongguk. What would he say if he were here, listening to you guys argue? Thinking about that makes you guilty, and a headache decides to irritate your mind.

But you're just so ... mad. That Himchan would say what he did is unexpected, to say the least. Of course you don't want to hinder Yongguk in any way. You don't want him to think he 'has a chance' when he doesn't. But can't he at least be happy? Can't he, during the last few remaining months, weeks, maybe days of his life, be happy? Is that impossible? Is that unattainable? Is that a dream that isn't worth chasing?

You want to do all you can to make sure that he's happy. You want to see him smile and laugh. How could Himchan say that it's better to think of reality? 

"You know, Himchan," you start, "not too long ago, I was sick of life. Okay? Maybe this sounds unrelated to you. I wanted change. But I didn't do anything about it. I wanted something to happen, but I was afraid if anything ever did. I just wanted something, and I didn't even know what the heck that was." A racket of sobs threaten t