When the car entered the open gates of the cemetery, I felt a wave of emotions wash over me. It wasn’t really a feeling of anxiety or anything uneasy. But it was still a feeling so twisted that I couldn’t explain it. I haven’t been to the cemetery in years. I remember being a young girl running around, chasing butterflies, and picking lonely flowers when no one was watching me. Even then, the whole place seemed magical. It’s a place of death. It’s a place of mourning. But in the presence of it, I felt consoled.

A humble chapel would greet the visitors at the first gate. It’s very old. And its intricate designs and carvings have been worn by the changing weather. Most of the time it would be the sunshine, but around here, clouds and showers can drive away the sun too. I leaned back in my seat, staring out at the other cars parked near the chapel.

Mourners stood outside the chapel waiting for the final service to end and the casket to be brought out. Then the short march to the gravesite would proceed. Umma parked the car. I unlocked the door manually. As soon as I did, Umma quickly pressed the lock button on the driver’s side.

“Riyeon. I just want to make this clear,” She said sternly, “Don’t cause a scene. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t say anything stupid. I swear if you pull some sort of crazy stunt…”

“I know,” I cut her off in mid-sentence. “I know, ’ma. I promise I won’t.”

She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes as if she had a headache. She closed the car windows before taking the key out of the ignition. I left the car, wondering whether or not I would keep that promise.

- - -

“You’re late,” Chanyeol said as soon as he saw me. He and Baekhyun were leaning against the cobbled wall of the chapel, clad in black long-sleeved polo shirts and dark jeans.

“She was expecting you to say a few words,” Baekhyun said. I immediately knew who “she” was.

Sehun’s mother.

“Was she really?” I partially scoffed. There was no way she’d want me to go up in front of all the mourners and speak about her son. Me, the that she’d always warned him to stay away from. Me, the girl that she now hated with the entirety of her being. She probably wouldn’t even be able to look me in the face.

“People are staring at you,” Chanyeol whispered. He nodded to the other people waiting around. This was exactly the reason why I didn’t want to go to any of the two viewing days. I shook my head as a way to say, ‘forget them.’

Baekhyun studied the flowers that I held in my left hand. Then he gently took my right wrist and lifted it up. “How are your hands?”

I stared at the white bandages that bind my palms. “Much better.”

He lowered my hand and let go of my wrist with a small smile. Chanyeol kept his gaze on me, completely still as we stood in silence. It was as if he couldn’t believe I was standing there right in front of the chapel where Sehun was. Or rather, it was his body….in a state of eternal slumber. Because I had refused to attend the viewings, the last time I had seen Sehun was the night of his death. I felt like everyone knew how long I had spent just locked up in my room crying. 

“Hey…” I said hesitantly, “Is Luhan here?”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol exchanged glances. Their expressions were a mixture of confusion and worry. It seemed like they were contemplating on what to say. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked that question.

“Yeah…” Chanyeol finally said, “He’s in the chapel…Riyeon, I don’t think you should—”

“Hey, you two!” A voice called out. “We need help with the casket.”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol turned their heads to see one of Sehun’s uncles who was standing at the steps of the chapel’s entrance. Baekhyun began walking off towards the entrance while Chanyeol once again looked at me with uncharacteristic somberness etched on his face. “As I was saying…I don’t think you should speak to him…you know…just for right now.”

“Why not?”

“Wait ’til after the burial.”

He turned and left me to contemplate his words.

After Baekhyun and Chanyeol disappeared into the chapel to help carry the casket out, I wandered to the west side of the building. The courtyard.

- - -

I saw Sehun’s mother sitting at a bench facing the middle of the courtyard. She must have left the ceremony in the chapel early too. There was no one else around. I knew she felt my presence but she didn’t look in my direction at all.

“Imo…” I whispered. I hadn’t called her that in so long. I approached her slowly. Pabo, why don’t you just turn around and leave? I thought to myself.  

“I can’t bare to look at you,” She said brashly, keeping her eyes on the courtyard’s centerpiece fountain. The stone angel that stood atop the fountain faced us. It seemed to be mourning as well. “Did you bring that boy with you?”

I froze in the middle of a stride.

“No. Of course not.”

There was a brief air of silence between us. I averted my gaze to the tulips that I held.

 “I will make damn sure he rots behind bars,” She vowed. Hatred and bitterness was evident in the pitch of her voice, “Someone has to pay the price.”  

Pay the price?

“Kai is not a murderer.”

I was so shocked at the amount of nerve I had; having the capability to talk back to her in such an indignant tone.

She was shaking slightly. She seemed so vulnerable. In a split second I saw images of Sehun in my head. The images that came to me were the moments I had spent with him; when he showed me his most vulnerable self. Those were moments when all I had wanted was to hold him forever. He never liked showing that side of himself to the rest of the world. But even though he always wanted to be the one protecting me, there was no part of him he would hide from me.

“Y-you’re defending him…” Her voice cracked as she spoke, “You’re defending that boy?”

Why was I defending Kai? I hated Kai so much. I hate him. I hate him. I will keep telling myself that I hate him.

Sehun’s mother looked up at me with so much pain in her eyes. Did Mary feel the exact same way when she lost her son to the cross? Her only son, the Savior.

The emotion in her eyes pierced my heart in such a way that it had not been wounded before.

“So you say he is not a murderer. Can you say the same about yourself?”

Her words would be enough to break me. If only…I wasn’t already broken.

- - -

The funeral march went along on a serpentine path. On a black path we passed several small green hills dotted with crosses and gravestones. By the time we reached the gravesite, my feet were burning because of my heeled shoes.

Everyone gathered around the casket. It was opened for the last time. Gods and demons were raging inside of me. It was unbearable. Everything was unbearable. When I saw his face, I almost fell to my knees. Just like that night all over again.

All of the tears that I had done such a great job at keeping from falling, came streaming down.

“No…” I sobbed, “No.” Staggering forward, I grabbed onto the side of the casket. I tried just taking everything in. My thoughts was spinning. The world around me was moving too slow. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. The only person that did matter was right in front of me. So peaceful. So beautiful. I knelt down and pressed my forehead against the ivory panels of the casket.

Right then, I felt Chanyeol’s arms pulling me back. He held onto me as I struggled. What was I fighting against? “No...” My sobs continued to rush out, one after the other. They wouldn’t let me breathe. I was begging to God. Some god…any merciful god. Bring him back to me. Bring him back to me.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the look of disapproval on Umma’s face. Her warning rang inside my mind. Don’t cause a scene. Don’t do anything stupid.

I clasped my hand over my mouth as I cried. Chanyeol didn’t know what to do. He just held me tighter, comforting me, until I was able to stand on my own again.

- - -

Everyone said their last prayers and goodbyes. Then the casket was closed. It would remain closed forever.

            It’s time to lower the casket into the earth.

Since I left the house, I have been clutching the tulips so tightly in my hand.

Time to let go.

The casket was lowered slowly and carefully. Everyone took their turn tossing their flowers.

I had loved tulips more than any other flower. As I tossed the tulips into Sehun’s grave one by one, I felt emptier and emptier. The void inside of me was growing. Everything in me felt colder and colder. In the sun, all my tears were turning to dust. I was all cried out. This was it. It was time to stop all of the tears.

I stared at Luhan from across the open grave. He was expressionless. After me, it would be his turn to toss flowers. I wanted to speak to him so badly. I wanted to know if he knew where Kai was. I wanted to know what exactly he’s been thinking about these past wretched days. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear him speak to me even if he’d only rebuke me. Even if he’d only yell and curse at me. Even if all he’d tell me was how much he hated Kai…or how much he hated me.

The warmth that the sun was sending down onto all of us was not the warmth I wanted. I wanted the same warmth I felt when Sehun would wrap his arms around me in a full embrace. I wanted that feeling back. There was so much that I wanted.

The last tulip was the brightest of red. I held it up to my lips and kissed it. Forever, it’d serve as a remainder of the permanent mark that a tragic love left on lives of everyone who stood at the graveside that day. We were all such fragile broken things.