The morning that followed the funeral was slow and painful. The night gave me very little sleep. And in the little sleep I had gotten, it was a fight against sleep paralysis. The emotional stress was catching up on me in ways that I had tried to push away. Luhan would be gone soon. In a few days he'd be leaving to China, possibly forever. And I'd feel even more alone. That was one feeling that I could not shake. Umma had left the house early with no note. It was past noon and she had not returned at all. I knew she would kill me if she found out I left without permission. She was extra wary about my whereabouts now. And I felt caged. I knew I needed to see someone. Anyone. And I definitely needed to find Kai.

Remembering what Luhan had told me, I decided to take my bike to where Kris lived. Years ago, I would always bike there. His residence was a simple bungalow on the outskirts of town. During his last year of high school, the house became his when his father, who raised Kris as a single parent, passed away. The neighborhood was a quiet one just like everywhere else in this vicinity. But word always gets around fast and rumors about Kai were not an exception. Although I didn't want to see Kris, I somehow believed that if I confirmed Kai was with him, it'd give me a little comfort.

When I arrived, the site was familiar but marred. The grass on the lawn needed to be mowed and the maroon paint on the door was peeling. I set my bike up against the fence and followed the dusty pavement path to the porch.

I knocked on the door and waited awhile. I heard some shuffling and footsteps on the old wooden floors. It was a girl that answered the door. “Who are you?” She asked. I tried searching my own mind to see if I could recognize her face. Tan skin. Boyish haircut. I didn’t know her at all.

“Is Kris here? I’m Riyeon.”

As soon as I introduced myself, a tall figure appeared behind the unfamiliar girl. “It’s for you.” She said, then disappeared into the shadows of the house.

Kris looked me up and down then his eyes drifted at what was behind me. “You biked here?” He asked, staring at my bike. There was an element in his voice that suggested he was expecting my visit. He leaned against the door and crossed his arms. I studied him with narrowed eyes. Same handsome face. Same smug expression. “What do you want, Riyeon?”

I ignored his questions.

“That your new girlfriend?” I muttered.

“Friend.” He replied instinctively. “Her name’s Amber.”  I raised my eyebrows. Part of me wanted to know more. The other part couldn’t care any less about her given the current moment.

“So, why didn’t you go to the funeral?” It was still difficult for me to say that word.

“If you didn’t remember, funerals aren’t exactly my thing.” He leaned forward and cocked his head to the side, “What do you want, Riyeon?” He repeated. 

“You already know.”

He stood up straight and blinked looking down, feigning disappointment. “And here I thought you came to visit because you missed me.”

“That too, I guess.”

“He’s in the back room. The room where you used to stay.” He stepped aside from the doorway and let me enter the house. “Be careful, Riyeon.”

Many memories were bound to the floors and walls of this house. I liked to think there were times when everything was okay. In the living room I remember some of the boys playing Jenga and other board games to pass time. I remember them running to and from the kitchen, always having junk food in their hands. There used to be countless girlfriends staying over, some more memorable than others. There was always someone wasted, throwing up in the bathroom. 

But not everything was okay even though I had wanted it to be so badly. Whenever Kai was here, Sehun wasn’t. And whenever Sehun was here, Kai wasn’t. It was always like that. When Luhan and Kai had a falling out, Luhan stopped staying at the house. The rift caused tension between several of the friends. Sehun also gradually detached himself from the place.

I stopped by the mantle. My senior picture was there amongst many other photos. It seemed very strange to me. It was as if I were looking at a picture of myself as I walked through a stranger’s house. That was how distant I had come to feel. 

I passed by a closed a room and heard the sound of someone playing a guitar. I was able to smile, if only a smile very faint. Lay. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard him play. It was always a very comforting sound. I could not tell exactly who was currently residing in the house. I guessed that Lay and Tao were always there. Amber probably took one of the rooms as well.

I stopped in front of the last door and took a deep breath. The doorknob was cold and it sent a shiver right through me.

When I entered, Kai was sitting at the edge of the full-sized bed. His expression brightened when he noticed me. But he looked weary and I knew he was bearing heavy thoughts on a heavy heart.

Slowly, I approached him and sat on the bed. “How’ve you been?” 

He was refusing to meet my gaze. “You look very pretty as always.”

I tried again. “Why’d you run away?” I made an effort to ask him as gently as possible.

“I’ve missed you very much.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

His eyes sparkled and for a second, I believed he was genuinely happy. He acted as if he didn’t hear anything I was asking. “I knew you’d come to find me. Because you said we’d be together. You promised, right? You even held my hand like this, when you said it.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. He stared at our interlaced fingers and grinned slightly.

Tears were forming in my eyes already. I was irritated at myself because it seemed like the only thing I could do these past days was cry. I felt weak and helpless. I just wanted the tears to go away. They got in the way of everything. “Please answer my question.” I begged, trying to make eye contact with him. “Why did you run away?”

After my question, there was a momentary silence between us. I could still hear Lay’s guitar from the other room but the tightening atmosphere between Kai and I was drowning every bit of sound out. Kai looked up at me but his eyes darted away instantly. His smile was gone.  

I swallowed nervously. This was turning point #1.

Maybe it was a stupid question. Maybe the answer was obvious. Who wouldn’t want to run away after being suspected of a criminal act?

“I hate it.” He let go of my hand and moved to the other side of the bed, facing away from me.

“You hate what?” Though I asked softly, my voice was hoarse and desperate.  

“When you talk to me and when you look at me, I feel him in your thoughts. The quiver in your voice, the shade in your eyes. You are always thinking about him.”

This wasn’t the direction I wanted our conversation to go…if this was a conversation at all. Get it together, I scolded myself.

“I’m sorry if you feel that way,” I said, surprised that I could manage to even speak. I didn’t realize that I was shaking. “But it’s just me here now. It’s just you. It’s just us. All I care about right now is you.”

“You’re lying. He is here. He is wherever you are. And I’m tired of it.” There is venom in his words as he speaks. I wished that by now, I were immuned to venomous words but I was not. They still leave me paralyzed. 

“Please—”

“Everything with you is about him!” He was yelling now. The sound of the guitar had stopped and I knew Lay was listening.

“That’s not true. Please, believe me.” The last thing I wanted to do was raise my voice to match his. 

I expected this. This would happen often. But I was still not used to it. I hated when Kai would get angry because I always felt and knew that it was my fault. It was the scariest thing. I braced myself for the worst. Instead, another moment of silence took life. Either all hell would break loose, or the complete opposite.

My palms had gotten sweaty. This was turning point #2.

He turned around and glanced at me with a worried expression. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry. It hurts me when you cry.”

I shut my eyes, my head was spinning. This was the usual. The transition was quick. As if nothing even happened.

He scooted closer to me. And spoke lowly as if what he was saying was something confidential. “You want to know something? It’s dangerous around here now. But I will protect you no matter what.” Confusion took over me but he smiled and finally looked at me in the eyes. He took a lock of my hair and playfully twirled it around one of his fingers. Then he took reached inside the pocket of his jeans. “Look,” He said, “You still have yours?”

My vision blurred and my line of perspective focused on what was on the palm of his hand. Through clouded eyes, the image was distorted. It was a promise ring. I had one that matched it. Kai gave it to me on graduation day, the day before Sehun left. And it disappeared when Sehun returned to town.

“Of course. I keep it safe at home.”

With a pout he held the ring close to eye level. It was silver with a intertwining vine design. “You’re lying again. You’ve lost it. I can tell.”

I froze completely. How did he know? I breathed heavily and prayed that I wouldn’t have to see turning point #3. 

“That’s okay. Keep mine,” He said before I had the chance to reply. "Keep mine safe." I sighed in relief. He took my right hand and slid the ring onto my thumb. It was too loose to fit on my ring finger. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips onto my forehead. He shifted his weight and laid down on the bed. “I’ve been tired. I haven’t been able to sleep, just thinking about you. I’m glad you’re here.”

I kicked off my shoes unto the bedroom floor, then laid down next to him. As I felt the mattress conform to the shape of my body, flashbulb memories played across my mind. It was like a slideshow of pictures changing at extreme speed. When I tried to shut it all out, I just become dizzy. Picture after picture. Memory after memory. 

This was the same bed Sehun and I slept on the nights we ran away from home. As I looked around, I remembered these were the same walls that watched us, heard our secrets, and held onto our sins. There were mornings where he was the first thing I would see when I opened my eyes. Those mornings were perfect. When all I could see was him, there was no such thing as time. There was no such thing as a broken home to return to. Because he was my castle-- all that I needed. The light that made its way through the blinds reflected against his fair skin. And he was an angel. He was my angel.

A lonely tear made its way down my cheek as I gazed at Kai’s face. His eyes were closed and he retained a subtle, yet beautiful smile. He and Sehun were similar and different in so many ways. Mentally, I traced everyone of Sehun's features. Eyelashes. Nose. Lips. Jawline. The pillow beneath my head was so soft, I let myself fall deeper, forgetting about all that surrounded us. I let all the lines vanish, until all there was was he and I. 

“I miss lying beside you. I miss watching you sleep. I miss falling asleep with you. I could only dream. If the nights would let me.” Kai whispered. I reached out, his face softly, and ran my hand through his dark hair. Each strand gleamed in the light of late afternoon sun.

Our hands found each other’s and once again our fingers interlocked.

I would close my eyes for awhile and when I opened them, in a split-second it was Sehun that I would see in front of me. I felt ashamed because Kai was right. ‘You are always thinking about him.’

Sehun is gone. And what is real is right before me. It’s Kai and no one else. Kai needs me right now and I need him. I had to keep telling myself this. I was also tired. My nights were as sleepless as his. I was constantly trying to put together bits and pieces of what I thought were true, what I thought I needed to do. What I really needed was to stop for a moment. I needed rest, peace of mind. It wouldn’t hurt at all.

I stared at the ring on my thumb. A ma vie de coeur entier, the engraving echoed. For my whole life, all of my heart.

“Stay with me like this.”