I am afraid to love and yet I love you

My fear is like a wall I walk right through.

The wall is there, and yet it doesn't stop me.

I need it still, and yet I still need you.

I know someday we will be in a field

Surrounded by the blessing of the sky.

I'll dance with all the freedom of pure joy,

Needing you without a reason why.

But now I'm still afraid I might lose you,

That you might not accept my desperate need.

You make me laugh and cry and be completely.

You are the flower, I the slender reed.

(Nicholas Gordon)

Revealing your feelings is like offering your life. Is this why admitting love is so difficult to do?

Chen had always known. He had always known how the older felt for him. And he had been feeling the same. Always had been suffering the same. Silently, in the shadows, behind false smiles. A man who could not stand to admit, a man too shy, a man too afraid.

For Chen admitting his feelings has always been hard. Because if he did then he would reveal something about himself, it would mean making oneself vulnerable.

He didn’t want to be hurt. He didn’t want to feel betrayed. He didn’t want to ache, didn’t want to cry or to feel drained.

But he could not deny what he felt either. The warmth that was spreading in his stomach when he hears his voice, when their eyes met, when they touched and when he was near. The comfort and satisfaction from just watching but then again the want for more, a burning yearning for love, desire that swept into his every pore. Love was sweet. Love was bitter. Love healed. Love hurt.

And every time he wondered whether it was worth it, hiding and hurting when it would only take courage to open up. Tell the man he yearned for how he felt. Could being rejected hurt more than it hurt now, he would ask himself.

He already knew the agony from uncertainty.

......................................................................................

How can I tell you what I feel for you?

When I think of you my feelings twist inside

As if someone's fist went in and grabbed a few,

And turned and turned them tight and tangled. I've tried

Somehow to say: You're the sun in my sky,

The wind that takes me where I want to go,

The sweet incense that makes me feel so high,

That loving you seems all I need to know.

But it all sticks in my throat! It sounds too cute,

Empty as a wrinkled paper bag.

You won't believe it! Better I stay mute

Than offer you clichés that make you gag.

And yet I wish to tell you of my love,

If only love its own locks would remove!

(Nicholas Gordon)

Kris liked him, but for how long? Chen felt love for Kris, from the bottom of his heart he is pretty sure, even though it was foolish to say so because what was love? How could one grasp love when one could not explain it?

Tao has noticed his two older band members drifting apart from each other. He didn’t fully understand why but then again he thought he did. A slight frown marred his handsome face. It didn't go unnoticed by his fellow dancer, Lay.

"Tao, what's the matter? You are so quiet."

"Ge, have Kris-ge and Chen been fighting?"

Lay was surprised to say the least. Was there something wrong between the two of them? He didn't know. He had not noticed, and now he felt bad.

"I don't know. I haven't noticed something wrong."

Tao snorts.

"Ge, you never notice because you are either too forgetful or too engrossed in your own thoughts."

In response to that Lay frowned, too.

"I still get most of the things", he pouted. The younger boy patted his back in a friendly manner.

"Whatever. I am just slightly worried."

..............................................................................

'What is wrong with me?'. Chen desperately thought. He used both his hands and slapped his cheeks in a pathetic attempt to regain control over his raging emotions. 'Cool down', he ordered himself mentally.

Chen couldn't take it anymore. All the feelings were killing him inside, they were ripping him apart, starting from his heart. He couldn’t rest. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. His heart wouldn't stop aching then skipping from excitement before hurting from disappointment again.

'You are such a coward! You are so stupid, Jongdae, get yourself together, damn it!', he berated himself. He had hurt Kris. He was hurting him still. After their shower incident both young males had not been on the best terms but Kris had tried anyway, tried to bridge the awkwardness and pretend it didn’t happen for Chen’s sake, because he thought he scared the Korean away. He had tried to give the young main vocalist as much time and space as he could, was waiting patiently still for the raven haired to come to him, never pushing, never pressuring and Chen did nothing. He let the other wait and wallow in guilt although he did not wrong Jongdae.

Chen was slowly and painfully inflicting deep cuts and bruises to Kris' heart and his own, because he was a coward. And he knew he could not do this longer, they were both breaking, he had to do something.

Silently the young male slumped onto the hard floor of their dance practice room. Luckily he was alone.

'Regain your facade. Be happy for both.' He told himself. He swore to fix this, their relationship, who heal and mend where he has severed and broken.

____________________________________

"Jongdae", Lunan chirped happily as he skipped towards the younger singer.

"Neh, hyung?"

Luhan stepped up to his younger colleague, smiling gently, before embracing the Korean. He held Chen close and with his right patted the other on the back of his head.

"Hyung?"

"Thought I'd cheer you up."

"?"

The boyish man gave another kind smile. "Don't be afraid, Jongdae."

Then he let go and turned away. "You don't need to rush, but you mustn’t wait too long either. Love doesn't wait but it also doesn't run. Walk with confidence. Walk in your own pace."

He exited the room after that, leaving a confused main vocalist to wonder how Luhan knew.

___________________________________

In the evening Chen rolled in his bed, uneasy because of the things the oldest Chinese member has previously said. He had not planned on being revealed. He thought about the advice the older Chinese man gave him, mulling about it in his head. His friend had not seemed disturbed in fact he was encouraging Chen, going by his earlier words. Maybe he could really do this. Admit his feelings for Yifan and stand to them. For both their sakes. It was then that mentioned tallest band member entered the room, deep in thoughts and slightly tense.

Chen could understand, he hadn’t been really forthcoming with the other, always avoiding being alone with him and the man didn’t know what to expect, now when they were finally alone. Kris tried to act nonchalant and turned to his own bed. This wouldn’t do, the Korean decided. He cleared his throat.

"Welcome back, hyung."

Chen turned to face the older man. Kris nodded in response, slightly caught off guard, probably not expecting Jongdae to either still be awake or to talk to him, and smiled. His smile, althought surprised, was not forced and filled with warmth and adoration as Chen could read from the Chinese man’s eyes. But there was pain in those expressive orbs, too. Still the man tried to act strong, tried to carry both of them through the awkwardness. Kris said:

"I heard that you weren't feeling well today. Is everything alright? Are you hurt?"

My heart is aching.

"No, don't worry, Kris-hyung, I'm just tired."

Tired of running away.

"I am sorry for making you worry."

I am sorry for making you wait.

"Don't exhaust yourself, Jongdae."

Don't exhaust yourself, hyung. I am not worth the trouble.

"I won't. I'll give it my best."

I'll give you everything of me.

"Alright, then rest well", Kris smiled and climbed into his own bed. "Goodnight, Jongdae. If we don't meet in our dreams then let's meet tomorrow morning again." He said, light heartedly.

"Yes. Goodnight. Sleep well", Chen smiled at Kris' joke.

As slumber embraced them Chen made his decision. He would tell the other. He would confess and save them both. It was about time he manned up and stop hurting the one he cherished. It was about time for them both to be happy.

‘Goodnight, hyung, let us meet in our dreams’ 

 Love doesn't wait, but it doesn't run either. Just walk in your own pace.

 ________________________________________________________________

Improved, corrected, all remaining mistakes are still my own, not beta’ed. Again about 300+ words longer.

Tbh, I cringed when I reread this, because damn, was I cheesy. I still have goosebumps from all the corny lines :D

I tried to mellow it out, make it more realistic (the feeling of hurt, that is) and I will be adding chapter 3 shortly.