I know that you don't feel for me

The way I feel for you.

We're good friends, I value that

There's nothing you need to do.

But as a friend I need to tell you

What is in my heart

An unsaid truth is like a wall,

Keeping us apart.

My love for you will go nowhere,

Will just remain with me.

I'll hold it in my quiet arms

And feel it constantly.

(By Nicholas Gordon)

Where does the border between friendship and love begin? When do you cross it?

EXO-M's leader sat on the ground of one of SM Entertainment’s dancing practice rooms. The other members left earlier directly after practice and but he had decided to stay and go through the routine again and now he was alone in the room, leaving him to his own thoughts. Kris regarded himself in the big wall mirror. He was sweaty, messy and looked pretty gaunt. Kris hadn’t slept well in close to a week, resulting in deep eye bags underneath his eyes. His thoughts however didn't remain at his tired reflection for long but rather drifted to the root of his sleep deprivation, a certain colleague of his and one of the main vocals of their group.

'When did I stop seeing Jongdae as a friend?’ he thought.

It had crept upon him, this deep rooted feeling of affection for the other young man, buried deep and he only recently discovered it. Feelings for a man, feelings he had never been confronted with before. Kris always thought he knew love, thought he had experienced it already but never had he felt such adoration for another human being like he did for the younger man, for Chen, his Chen.

But he wasn’t his, not really, and herein lies Kris’ problem.

Kris conjured the image of the other into his mind, imagining every outline, every curve of the other’s being. Chen was smaller than Kris himself but not as small as some of the others were, he would perfectly fit inside Kris’ embrace, head reaching the crook of his neck. Chen was slimmer, too, not broad boned but also by no means skinny. Just the perfect amount of fit, athletic muscles coiled around elegant limps. His hands and feet were also naturally smaller, but still masculine and handsome. Jongdae held himself with a certain kind of grace, it was like his aura and he was glowing. It surprised him that he thought of a friend like this, but he wasn't horrified. Chen was beautiful.

'No use in denying what is true', the foreign man mumbled.

He looked down to his feet. Still it was frustrating. He now might be able to admit to himself what he felt for the younger man, but what could he do? Chen wasn’t his. And Yifan didn’t want to ruin a good friendship and make it potentially awkward by confessing. No, he couldn’t do that. He held the singer in too high regard for that. It would pain himself too much to be ignored or viewed as disgusting by his fellow bandmate. And still he also could not forget or ignore himself, especially not with the object of his adoration being constantly near him…

'Although I'd love to.'

No he didn’t really. He’s rather corner the younger male, stake his claim and let nobody come near Chen, instead of forgetting. Possessive, jealous.

A dark chuckle emitted from him and echoed in the empty room. Kris slowly stood up. It was time to head back.

.....................................................................................

"Welcome back, WuFan."

When Kris arrived at their dorm he was being greeted by their cute oldest member.

"Minseok-hyung", he nodded back a greeting.

"You sure took your time. Are you hungry? We want to go out together today."

"Sure, hyung. Just let me take a shower first."

XiuMin nodded and stepped aside so that Kris could enter the dorm. He had noticed the other’s dimmed mood lately, but decided to say nothing.

The tall Chinese proceeded to their shared room and took fresh clothes from their closet before heading into the adjoined bathroom. He wondered where Chen was.

When he opened the door steam hit his face and slightly obscured his view for about 2 seconds.

'Someone must be using the shower', Kris thought. He turned around to leave again and wait outside when suddenly Chen's head popped out from behind the shower curtains. Speak of the devil.

"Oh, hyung, it's you. Have you just arrived? Come on in, you can shower with me."

The main vocalist reached out in invitation. Water dripped from his outstretched arm onto the bathroom mat and Kris couldn’t help it, his gaze following a stray drop along its journey down from Jongdae’s collarbone until it disappeared lower somewhere behind the curtain.

"It's alright. I can wait", Kris calmly said then turned.

But the smaller was persistent and pursed his lips.

"Come on, hyung. This way it'll be faster for both of us. Plus we always bath together, there is no embarrassment in it."

He looked his leader in the eyes, determined.

"..."

They stared at each other for a long time.

"Fine."

The taller sighed and began to undress, then stepped into the tiny shower stall.

"How'd you imagine we do this? “ he asked slightly irritated, „We barely fit in here without me squashing you."

The younger laughed softly.

"I didn't plan this far" he admitted.

Both comfortably stood under the warm water's stream, cleaning themselves and rinsing the sweat away with soap. It was silent, but Kris didn't mind. In fact he liked it that way, since it was not awkward. Turning around so that his back faced Chen he began to lose himself in his thoughts again. At least in his mind he could allow himself to be excited, being near the younger man. The easy comfort Chen emitted, the calm and the warmth, Yifan tried to memorize it all.

Suddenly two hands were gently placed onto his shoulders and began massaging him. The singer leaned in, so that both were back-to-chest, pressed against each other.

"Hyung, is there something troubling you? You have ben spacing out a lot lately."

Kris could feel goosebumps slowly rising on his skin, an effect of the main vocalist's voice. He tried hard not to freeze lest the other pick up on his behavior. In the end grunted, is resolve couldn't crumble just like this!

"Jongdae? It's nothing. Don't worry."

Turning around he gently pushed the other from his back, so that he could face him again. Unconsciously his eyes roamed over the nice body displayed before him and he could feel his face heat with a blush and his eyes dilate with lust and desire. He leaned in closer to get a good sniff of the fresh soap's scent on the younger man's skin. Just a few inches, if he could bridge those and press his face against Jongdae…

However, his actions didn't go unnoticed by Chen.

"Hyung, don't... please stop." Chen slightly shifted away, which broke EXO-M's leader out of his tranc. He quickly flinched back.

"I'm sorry, Jongdae, I didn’. I must be too tired...", he weakly tried to explain his attempt. He just royally screwed up.

"No, no...it's alright, don't apologize."

Awkward silence emitted. Mentally Kris cursed himself for being this stupid. Dread pooled in his stomach and an ache spread from his chest. This is it, this would surely be the end of their friendship, being the idiot he was he just gave everything away. They stood a while awkwardly facing each other, Kris being lost in his own head.

Chen cleared his throat.

"I'll leave first then, hyung."

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped himself in a towel, then proceeded to the door. Before he left he turned around and said:

"WuFan-hyung, please don't strain yourself too much."

In the end the tall Chinese stood in the shower, left awkwardly there in his own discomfort.

'Well, you wouldn't know', he thought, 'I guess ...losing your heart resembles losing you mind.'

.........................................................................................................

A/N: I rewrote the chapter a bit, making it longer and correcting most of the spelling and horrible grammar. This updated chapter is 300+ words longer than it was originally.

I'm still not 100% satisfied but for now this will have to do. Chapter 2 will also undergo improvement, chapter 3 will be posted after that.