Jonghyun scribbled furiously into his battered, overused notebook. He was always writing, with his guitar perched on his lap. Ever since the day Seunghyun packed up and left, that was all he had been doing.  

     He stared at the page. His pen had been broken during one of his furious writing sessions; hence the page was dotted with blotches of black ink. But in between the blue lines on the paper, there was nothing.  Nothing he could make any sense of, nothing he could make any use of. Closing his eyes in defeat, he ripped the page from the spiral wire and crumpled it inside tightly-clenched fists.

     Nothing had made sense since the day Seunghyun went. Absolutely nothing at all.

Spring; 2009

     “Jonghyun-ah, this is Song Seunghyun, our new guitarist,” Hongki said as he pulled forward a tall boy of 17 from behind him. The boy was long and lean, with skin the color of coffee and bangs that covered almost half his face. The corners of his lips were dented with the most endearing dimples. Those lips spread into a shy smile.

     “Hello, I’m Song Seunghyun,” he said softly. He bowed swiftly and his face burst into a grin.

     Jonghyun held out a hand towards the newbie. “I’m Lee Jonghyun. Welcome aboard.”

     Two hands met in a firm grip.

     “Thanks…. Hyung!”

Spring; 2012

     Jonghyun pinched the flesh in between his eyebrows, and sighed in frustration. Ever since that fateful day, Seunghyun had turned his entire world upside down. Seunghyun had filled his days with laughter, joy, and love.

     And then he wrenched it all away, he took everything, leaving nothing but an empty shell.

     Lee Jonghyun was a nothing, a useless speck in the entire universe. His very existence felt pointless. He couldn’t write, he couldn’t compose. He couldn’t even pick up his guitar without feeling lost. It was as if his inspiration had just walked out the door.

     After placing the guitar carefully back onto its stand, he fell onto his bed and entered into a dreamless sleep.

---

     Seunghyun was not exactly happy. Here he was, standing inside the recording booth in one of South Korea’s most famous record companies, about to record one of his own compositions. Why didn’t he feel happy? Why didn’t he feel accomplished? He was finally getting recognition in the music world but he felt empty, as if all his hard work had amounted to nothing.

     “Ya, Seunghyun, are you even paying attention?” Jung Yonghwa asked from the other side of the glass. He was Seunghyun’s co-composer and the music producer of Seunghyun’s upcoming debut single.

     “Sorry, hyung,” the younger male apologized. “Can we take 5?”

     Yonghwa sighed, unhappy with Seunghyun’s performance. “Take 5, everybody.”

     The studio musicians set down their instruments and trod out the door, mumbling and complaining about how late it was getting. The supposed to be 2-hour recording session had turned into four hours. Seunghyun bowed after them, muttering his apologies.

     Yonghwa walked into the booth with his arms crossed over his chest. “What’s up with you today?” he scolded. “You did so well on your demo tape. Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet.”

     “It’s not that, hyung. I’m just feeling a bit out of it, that’s all.”

     Yonghwa raised an eyebrow in question.

     “What?” Seunghyun asked.

     “It’s him again, isn’t it?”

     Seunghyun didn’t even have to ask who Yonghwa was talking about. But he still denied it. “I haven’t thought of him since… I don’t know when.”

     “Mm, and I’m supposed to believe you?” Yonghwa put a hand on the younger man’s shoulder to comfort him. “It’s been two years, Seunghyun. And you still haven’t gotten over him. Face it.”

     Seunghyun tried to blink away the tears, but they fell traitorously down his cheeks. He was guilty. He didn’t have the right to think about Jonghyun. He couldn’t purge the nightmare of what he had done two years ago.

Spring; 2010

     “Jonghyun-hyung, I’m leaving.”

     He wore a cold expression on his face but Jonghyun must have decided that his lover was merely joking. “You finally found your own place to live in?”

     “No hyung. I mean it.” Seunghyun’s face was stony, cold.

     “What do you mean by that?” He could sense the worry in his hyung’s tone, but he mentally shook his head.

     “I’m breaking up with you, hyung. We’re over.”

     “But why? Is it because I’ve neglected you too much? I promise I’ll spend more time with you, please?” Jonghyun pleaded, reaching out to Seunghyun. He grabbed onto his lover’s wrist. “Please don’t leave me, you’re everything to me, Seunghyun, everything!”

     Seunghyun’s own heart broke at the sight of Jonghyun crumbling before his eyes, but his head told him to stand firm.

     “I met someone else.” That was the punch line, the delivering blow. Jonghyun’s eyes widened in shock and hurt. He dropped Seunghyun’s wrist. Seunghyun didn’t miss the look of betrayal in Jonghyun’s eyes.

     “He loves me, and I love him. He asked me to move in with him, and I said yes.” Seunghyun picked up his luggage and opened the door of the apartment they shared.

     “We had fun, didn’t we?” Seunghyun said as he looked back at his former lover, plastering a fake smile on his face.  “Thanks for all the time we spent. Goodbye, hyung.”

     He saw a tear drop onto Jonghyun’s cheek but he turned his head away, clenching his jaw to control his own tears.

     With that, he closed the door behind him and got into the cab that had been waiting for him outside. Not once did he look back as the car sped away.

Spring; 2012

     Yonghwa sighed as he watched his friend space out. It had been two long years for the boy. But he believed in Seunghyun. He had personally built Seunghyun into the talented charismatic and confident person he was today, and he would not stand to see his hopes and dreams fall apart.

     He tapped Seunghyun’s shoulder to bring him back to the present. Seunghyun gave him a watery smile.

     “Hey, let’s call it a night, shall we?” Yonghwa asked, hitching up a corner of his mouth. “We’ll just continue tomorrow. Can’t have our star bursting into tears in the middle of a happy song, can we?”

     Seunghyun nodded. “Thanks, hyung.”

     "Don't mention it, bud."