You're a Fighter

“Jong In, why’re we going to the roof?” I asked catching up to him.

He looked back at me with giant rounded eyes. “Have you ever been up there?”

“No,” I answered, waiting for an explanation.

“It’s really cool, especially at night. You can see the entire city district from up there. You can see the planes take off in Incheon.”

“Seriously? You can see the airport?” Jong In let me into the elevator first. I usually take the stairs, but I guess it’s okay once in a while.

“Yeah. I was up there with Zi Tao once and we watched the plane Kris was on when he was going back to Canada. It was so funny because we were texting him as the thing took off.” I laughed as Jong In pushed the up button. “You can’t see the other side of the city because the building’s not that big. There’s way taller ones out East more and it blocks the view.” He looked up to the top of the elevator as I watched him, interested in the way his eyes moved over each tile in the roof. “It’s really amazing, because it feels like you’re a bird watching over everything. It’s the best when the sun sets, but it already went down.” Jong In looked over at me, making me stop my ogling. He smiled. “I’ll show you some other time.”

“Okay,” was all I could say. He probably didn’t feel as awkward as I did. Why does he have to have such beautiful views on things? And more so, why did those views on things have to make my heart go three times faster?

As the elevator doors opened, he walked out first, and waited for me to follow suit. “F(x) hangs out on this floor a lot, but so do I. There’s no ‘dance studios’ per say up here but there’s, like, three unused multi-purpose rooms. That’s where I go to practice when your lovely EXO-M’s stealing all of my regular practice rooms,” he joked. Zi Tao had this problem with practicing dance while people were watching him, and unfortunately Jong Dae had the same thing with singing. So they tended to take up a lot of space.

There was this dusty-looking, short cement staircase that led up to a tiny room with nothing in it but a door and two windows. As I looked out, I realize should’ve contemplated why coming up onto the roof of a skyscraper was a good idea when I have all sorts of problems with high places.

I gulped as Jong In opened the door. It was cold out, but he was right. It was quite a sight. “Wow,” I said as I stepped onto the platform. The roof had little tiny rocks on it, so Jong In sat on the air vent thingies coming out of the ground. I was a little hesitant, as it was about a meter and a half from the edge.

“Hey Jong In?” I said, standing a couple meters behind him and eyeing the space between the open drop and the air vent. “I think that thing is a little to close to dying for my liking.”

“Oh, come on. It looks even cooler over here.” He looked back at me with soft eyes. I didn’t like heights, mostly because of my parents and my old acquaintances in China. But Jong In wasn’t like them because this time, when he tried to get me to go closer to the edge, it wasn’t because he was going to push me off. It was obvious he wouldn’t even think of that and I could tell the difference because his eyes weren’t making fun of me, or mocking me. They weren’t pitying me and telling me everyone’s afraid of something, they were just welcoming me. That’s it.

“Fine.” I said, walking closer to that vent like an old lady. “Just don’t let me fall off.”

“Of course not, Hyung. You know how like in Titanic it’s ‘You jump, I jump’? Well here it’s ‘you fall, I fall’. And I don’t wanna fall.”

“I wasn’t comparing us to Jack and Rose, Jong In.” I half snorted, half blushed, as I sat down next to him.

“I know you weren’t, but I was.” I wacked the back of his head. I was still too close to the edge, but instead of worrying I noticed how many lights were down below us in the city.

“You know in Shanghai there’s way more coloured lights than this, but here, the lights are bluer. It looks cool. I’ve never been able to see lights in a city like this though.”

“Yeah. I want to go to Shanghai. I think it would be cool. I’ve spent my entire life here, so I hope that being famous means I might be able to travel a bit. I’ve never seen the stars properly. I mean, you can see a couple now, but they’re not real bright.”

I looked up. It was true what he said, I really couldn’t see much. “I’m from the city, of course, but back when my parents were still with me, we used to go see my aunt in the country. I had a terrible time, of course, they were all tiring people but every night the stars were out. I could see everything. I could see Cassiopeia,” I grinned. “And, right in the middle of that,” I pointed up to the sky, “I could see the EXO planet.”

Jong In’s laugh lit up his eyes, for a sec, but then they leveled back down. He looked away.

“What is it?” I asked, leaning to get a better look at his face.

“You never told me why you don’t get along with your parents and your old friends, and how you have all sorts of things that I don’t know about in your past. I want to ask, but you don’t like talking about you’re life much. But I guess I did just ask didn’t I?” He looked over, apologetically. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

“No,” I disagreed, “It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about it. I don’t want to, not because I don’t want you to know but because I think it might change things. I do want you to know, I’m just afraid what’s gonna happen once you do know.” I looked out onto this tall building in the distance.

“Well, that part’s silly. What could change if I know? I mean, if it hurts you to talk about it then that’s a different story.”

“It doesn’t. I’d rather you know. Maybe not some other people, but I’d feel better if you know why I’m like this. I’m a fighter, Jong In.” I looked over, grinning. “You know that because I’ve told you so many times. If I wasn’t a fighter, I wouldn’t be here. I might be living in some dark alleyway somewhere in Shanghai, or maybe I’d be living as an office worker with a wife and two kids that I don’t even want. But I am a fighter, and I’ve always had to be, and look where I am now.” I gestured to the city. “I’m sitting on top of the most prestigious entertainment building in Korea with one of the best friends I’ll ever have, waiting on the start of a fabulous career. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my parents.” I looked over. Jong In looked confused, but he was honestly trying to get it.

“I know you’re a fighter. But… what do you really mean by that?” I laughed.

“Okay,” I got serious. “But you have to promise that nothing I say changes anything. I don’t want any pity or distrust or anything. Promise?” He looked at me.

“Hyung, even if you killed a person or something it wouldn’t change anything. I know, I might not believe you at first if you say you killed a person but eventually I would.” Jong In had the most believable face on, I had to laugh.

“I didn’t kill a person. I did nothing wrong. I’m just gay, that’s it.” Even though I’ve said that a million times, I got a shock of fear through my body at telling Jong In that. I stayed smiling, but on the inside his considering face was killing me.

“Now that you think about it, that’s not all that surprising. I was kind of shocked at first because every… just because I’d never considered it. But anyway, go on.” He looked at me blatantly. I was a little disconcerted.

“What? Just go on?”

“You said no pity or distrust or anything. I think it’s great that you’re gay; as I said it’s not that surprising.”

“Well I expected you to waver a little bit. You know this place isn’t exactly all that excepting.” I wiped the nervous sweat off of my arms, a little annoyed that all this worry was in vain but rather happy that his reaction was uneventful.

He rolled his eyes. “I’ll tell you a secret I have later. After you finish your story.”

I sighed and looked away from his eyes and onto the city again. “Okay. So anyway, I was gay since I was born. I knew I was gay when I was seven years old, because I never imagined myself with a girl when I grew up. It was my friend since I was five, Shu Pei.” I looked over to see Jong In listening intently, with those huge big eyes. It made me smile. “I wasn’t a genius child or anything, and I didn’t have to be to know I couldn’t go around drawing pictures of Shu Pei and I getting married. I drew myself in a female qipao once and my mother freaked at that. I wasn’t stupid.” I wanted to tell Jong In all of this but still, somewhere inside of me there were bad feelings mixed with memories. I played with the hem of my shirt. “I managed to keep everything girly about me a secret from them, even wanting to be a singer, but inside of me I cried every time someone said something bad about someone gay or when you heard of suicides on TV. When I was 11, I cried because of one story of a young gay girl killing herself by jumping from a building. I wondered if maybe she had the easy way out and what I was doing was a bad road to take. Shu Pei was with me. He didn’t know what I was crying about he just told me I had to be a fighter. He told me that with a huge smile on his face, and after that, I knew I was never going to even think about jumping from a building again. I never did.” I looked at Jong In, a little shaky from telling that part of the story. His eyes were bigger now, and he was kind of bundled up in himself.

“…Wow.”

“Don’t look so scared, I’m not telling a horror story here.”

“Okay, if you say so. Go on.”

“Anyway. It was when I was 12. I accidentally said something to my mother that put Shu Pei in a light he shouldn’t be. My mother was never a kind person as it was, my father was always away and she drank a lot. She asked me what I meant. I remember my heart was beating so fast as I tried to explain that I didn’t mean what I said exactly, and we ended up getting into a fight about it, something so stupid. When people get into fights, you know what happens, you say things you don’t mean. In the end I ended up telling her it was her fault I liked him. Of course it wasn’t, but the point is that I told her I liked him.” I looked at Jong In who’s expression was still the same. “That was the first night I wasn’t allowed into my apartment. I slept in the hallway. I talked to her the next day and she told me that if I stayed gay she was going to kill me. I was wreck, and I believed her — even now I wouldn’t put it past her. I stayed at Shu Pei’s house for a week, but my mother phoned his mother and told her. So after kicking me out of her house, she told Shu Pei.” I accidentally ripped a string off of the hem of my shirt.

This always was my least favourite part of the story. I took a deep breath, knowing if I broke down this would be where it was. Jong In could tell, and his innocent eyes blinked faster as he looked at me, softly.

“So.” I breathed “I was on the roof of the school, and he was there too. I knew he knew, so I was nervous. I tried to explain but he told me to be quiet and he looked at me, with this huge smirk on his face, telling me to go closer. He was standing right on the edge. I guess this is where the fear of heights came from. He called me a chicken, but I didn’t care, I was one. But when he implied that I couldn’t go closer because I was gay, it crossed the line. I was a fighter, so I had to closer. I needed to prove that I wasn’t scared. And I know you’re expecting it, but of course he tried to push me over.” I looked quickly up at Jong In. “Trust me, Jong In, when the person you’ve been in love with for six years tries to throw you over the side of a building you start losing hope in things.” I was quiet for a second, my heart pounding. I’d been talking too fast. I realized I was sitting in a position that looked weak, my arms crossed femininely over my chest, hands clenching the shoulders of the opposite arm. It was cold. “So,” I said slowly, breathing out, “When I got away, I was running away crying. I had nowhere to go to and I knew if I went back to school my life was in danger, and I was pretty damn sure if I went home my life was in danger. I needed school, I needed a home and food and a job and over a year or two I found them all. I was so alone, the whole time. I lived in the basement of this creepy guy’s commoner home, and the only person I could go to for help was this teacher who pitied me for being gay. She didn’t think it was the right thing and she’d try and help me anyway, but I hated her. I worked as a dishwasher all the time I wasn’t in school and I cried half of every single night, and the other half I sang sad songs. My voice was getting better and better all the time but my heart was sad. There was still stuff in there though, I never gave up, and my voice got better only because I poured every feeling I had into my songs. I was always a fighter.” I stopped. “,” I said, wiping my eyes when I noticed that they were getting wet. “It’s not like I regret telling you or regret what happened. I want you to know but I just don’t like thinking about it out loud too much. I’m sorry.”

“Lu Han-Hyung, there’s nothing to apologize for. You know, you’re such a cool person. I couldn’t have done that at all.” Jong In smiled at me, he was obviously unhappy that I was crying but he didn’t smile just so I would feel better, I could tell. He was actually smiling. “Hold on a sec.” He got up from his position on the air vent too quickly, and ran through the door, interestingly as usual, flinging past the doorway.

He was back in almost no time with a purple blanket and a red blanket. “You looked cold, and I was freezing. Which one do you want?” He held both blankets up by the corners.

“Doesn’t matter.” I answered.

“Well okay, which one goes better with my hair?” He held both blankets up to his head. I laughed, blinking away the last of the tears.

“The red one.” He draped the purple one over my shoulders, making me turn pink, keeping the other for himself. “There’s more you know, it doesn’t end like that.” I smiled.

“Of course not.” Jong In returned the gesture.

“I was a good student, and when I turned 17, I got into the music college. A year earlier than usual. They loved my voice, they loved my dance, and they loved my story. I met people there that were the first ones to really accept me for who I was. They were good people, and I started smiling. I learnt my English and Korean there. Of course, I didn’t spend very long there, because as soon as I turned 18 I auditioned for SM. I never thought I’d get in.” I laughed. “But about halfway through my second year I was sent the acceptance letter, and I moved to Korea. And of course, the rest is history.”

Jong In clapped, and then abruptly started singing History. I sighed, jokingly.

“You said you were gonna tell me one of your secrets as soon as I finish my story. Well, I’m done!” I laughed, looking at him.

He rolled his eyes. “I did say that didn’t I?” I nodded. “Hm… which one should I tell you… Oh, I’ve got one.” He looked over at me again, eyes sparkling but kind of still hiding something.

“What?”

“Okay, you have to promise after I tell you nothing changes.” He said, and I grinned. “No pity, no distrust, especially no long-term awkwardness. Promise?” I paused as I tried to figure out what long-term awkwardness was.

“Of course. Even if you killed a person.”

“I didn’t kill a person. I didn’t do anything wrong! It’s just…” If he was having a harder time telling me his secret than I was telling him I was gay, it must be a big secret. “Oh and you have to promise you’ll believe me, because I’m honestly not lying. I’m serious about what I’m going to say.”

“Alright, I’ll believe you.” I looked at him, but he looked away.

“I’m not gay, but I am in love with you. That is all.” He stared down at the city.

Wait. What? Did he just tell me he was in love with me? I felt my heart start beating three times as faster than it was before, and my face went hot, and my knees got all weak, all in a couple seconds. “B-but…” I lost all of my cool. “Then how does that make you not gay?”

“Well, because you’re the only one. I just love you and I know why I love you, I just don’t know how.” He looked back at me, and I could tell he was nervous. Maybe my shocked red face gave him some confidence, because he smiled at me. I did believe him. I didn’t understand what was so special about me or anything, but I believed him. My hands played with each other on my lap. I was usually so laid back but I just lost it. I was so… happy.

“W-well if you’re serious… then… I don’t think I should keep my promise to not change anything b-because I love you too.” Another flush of red. “And I think if we both like each other and just stay good friends then… you know… what’s the point?” I tried to swallow what little moisture was in my mouth.

“Lu Han-Hyung… you’re blushing so much right now.”

“No I’m not.” I blushed more.

“I know you never let anyone do it, but can I call you cute? Please?”

“What?!” I looked away, trying not to smile. “F-fine.” I was freaking out so much.

“You’re so cute. I’m serious. You’re really, really cute.” I looked up at him, and he was grinning so happily.

This time I didn’t look away. “Uh… thank you.” I whispered. And then I looked away. “So… does this mean…”

“Does it mean that we can, like, be a couple now?” He finished for me, and the thought made my head spin.

“Yeah.”

“Well why not?”

I looked at him, surprised. “Really?” I smiled.

“Well duh. Why would I tell you if I didn’t want to? I mean, it took me a long time to begin to consider the idea that maybe I’m not as straight as I thought. But now I know for absolute sure that I’m so in love with you so I really hoped maybe you’d feel the same way.”

“I do!” I almost screamed, and Jong In laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. “I mean, I do!” I said it much quieter now, giggling.

Jong In took his red blanket off of his shoulders and ditched it on the ground, climbing under my purple one. I just about died when he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. I leaned on his shoulder and giggled.

“Sorry, Hyung, I’ve always wanted to do this.” Jong In admitted, nervously, and his hand ran down the top of my head. I closed my eyes. This was kind of awkward, but so relaxing.

“You’re really nice and warm, you know,” I told him, and he was so close I could feel him smile.

“Have you ever wondered why it’s like that? That you always seem so cold and I always seem so warm? Maybe it’s like that just so I can warm you up.”

“You’re so cheesy.” I blushed. I think he knew I liked cheesy things.

He was about to answer when the door behind us opened. We turned back to look. “Hey guys the—” Baekhyun stopped in his tracks looking at both of us, and then the blanket around us. “Uh… What are you doing?”

“Setting a good example for you and Chanyeol, that’s what.” I answered, with a professional poker face. Jong In laughed.

“What?!” Baekhyun said, red and obviously flustered. “W-well whatever. The cheesecake’s gonna be ready in five minutes.” He turned abruptly and very nearly fell down the stairs, and Jong In giggled.

“Hey, Lulu-Hyung.”

“Yeah?” I turned to look at him again but I didn’t get to look because his hands were on my cheeks and his lips were on my lips. My hands shook and clenched up, and his strangely soft lips dipped deeper into mine, and then we parted as his eyes opened to meet mine. “Jong In…”

“Sorry.” He apologized, smirking.

I kissed him again. We ended up being late for the cheesecake.