Sigh

I am a line.

I inhaled a deep, long drag of the soft air that inhabited the city of Seoul. It seeped through every crack of my insides and then another form of the same soft air flowed through my nose, slowly finding its way back into Korea.

I am perfect. I have amazing skills. I am nothing but a liiiiineeee. My breath was labored as I eagerly tried to will away whatever poison was devouring me from the inside out. Be calm, Jong In, I told myself, but every new breath was in vain as I got more frustrated and agitated at myself each time.

A line… Just a liiiiiineeee… My eyes bunched up and I gritted my teeth.

Meditation was not for me. I huffed, opened my eyes to the beautiful sight of sun setting on this huge, dirty city, as I sat on the roof of SM Entertainment’s main building. I was high in the sky here, looking over smaller buildings — even skyscrapers. It was beautiful, but I couldn’t enjoy it.

I repositioned myself so I was lying down, my elbows digging into the rough, flat roof and my hands holding up my tired head.

I’d had too much to think about the last couple of weeks. Never mind the constant schedules, crazy new fans and all sorts of radio shows and stuff… I could handle that; wasn’t I trained to do so? Lu Han wasn’t like me much. He wasn’t used to all this drama and attention — he was just kind and kept to himself. But for a person who keeps to himself he’s sure getting a lot of attention from me.

I scrunched up my face. I think I liked Lu Han, which as far as I’m concerned, is very, very not good. Alright, you and the next guy can be gay, but I’m not. I’m nothing but a line. Straight and perfectly normal as a line. I have ambitions — I’m a dancer, I’m a singer, and I’ve gotten this far and I intend to go farther. I don’t need a girl stopping me, let alone a guy. It’s only Lu Han though… I can’t help it.

He’s funny and quiet and he’s got an amazing accent… the first time I heard him talk the only thing running through my mind was how beautiful his voice was. I tried to justify that kind of observation by thinking that I must have noticed that he’d be a good singer. I do those things all the time, like when I heard him laugh and my heart went crazy, I figured it was because he laughs like Lee Hyori, and I love Lee Hyori. Or when I couldn’t stop staring at his hands, it must have been because I loved the model of the microphone he was holding. I made up excuses for all sorts of these things, but all it really came down to was the fact that I had some kind of obligation to protect him, and every time he smiles I get a warm feeling tingling up my spine and every time he talks to me everyone else’s voices turn to mindless rambling and his voice echoes in my mind.

I only really noticed I was doomed when we were watching TV on the couch. I was leaning against the armrest, and he comes up beside me and decides to lean on me. Kris did it yesterday and Chanyeol the day before (I watch TV a lot, I guess), so obviously he figures it’d be okay for him to lean on me too. Yeah, except for when he did that I felt like some dumb- prankster had gone into my brain and turned the electricity switch to “on”, and every capillary in my poor body morphed into a live wire. His head was on my heart, so I’m sure he could feel it go crazy. Also, my face must have looked weird because Se Hun looked at me quizzically as he walked from the kitchen to his room. As if my weird face and double-time heartbeat and sweaty hands on the remote control hadn’t been signs enough, Lu Han is practically between my legs as well and I felt some strange happenings down there. I told him (with a strangled voice) that I needed to go to the washroom and as soon as I got there I slapped myself in the face. I didn’t come out until Lu Han came and asked me, in his angelic, superhuman voice, what I was still doing in there.

The memory is tinted with frustration and defeat in my head. I really like him, really, really, really like him, and I’ve come to realize that I can’t do anything about it. I’ve tried everything.

I guess it shouldn’t bother me much, except for the idea that I’m not exactly who I thought I was and what Lu Han would say if he found out. “Jong In… that’s a little weird… maybe you should see a doctor?” or “Jong In… maybe it’s better if I hang out with Se Hun only for a while, okay?”. The though of the last one made me most upset of all though. Lu Han is a great friend. I wouldn’t want to ever let him go.

A skyscraper in the distance was cutting off part of the setting sun. I wonder if that’s what this building looks like to the other ones. I wonder what Lu Han’s doing…

I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes, then brushed the dirt on my elbows off. I sighed. Sighs are quiet things but somehow my sigh made an echo, a noise inflicting aggravated emotion on the silent dusk. A week ago, I discovered I had a bit of a crush on Lu Han. Now, I’m wondering if maybe I’m even in love.

A noise came from behind me. I looked back with tired eyes to see Hyukjae from Super Junior coming through the roof door. “Sunbae, hi.”

“Oh, hello Kai. Kim Jong In, right?” He walked over smiling bashfully.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Can I join you? I like watching the sunsets.”

“Sure.” I patted the spot next to me. I usually would be upset to have someone join me in my sulky mood, but now maybe I can get away from my thoughts.

I didn’t escape for long though. Hyukjae was the quiet type and soon, a familiar smile wandered into my thoughts and sent me on another tunnel of unwanted self-questioning. I didn’t need all this.

I sighed again, exasperatedly throwing my head back, and again the sound cut through the air.

“What’s wrong, Jong In?” Hyukjae asked me, concerned.

“It’s nothing…” A part of me answered, weakly.

“Okay then.”

Another part of me activated, after a long pause. “Well actually…” I gulped. “How do you tell having a crush on someone from being in love with them?”

There was a silence. I don’t blame Hyukjae for not answering me, that was a stupid question. Jong in… always ahead of yourself. “Well,” his voice said, “I don’t think there is one.”

I looked at him puzzled, and he looked back at me, smiling slightly. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you were to lose or never had met the person you’re talking about, how would you feel? That’s what matters.”

“But…” I swallowed, nervous again. “Couldn’t that just be friendship then?”

Hyukjae laughed. “Don’t be silly. There’s all sorts of ways to know you’re not in the friend zone.” He winked. I blushed, remembering that day on the couch.

I was silent for a moment. “Well great… I guess that means I really am in love with hi— uh, her.” I scratched the back of my head hoping he didn’t catch that.

Hyukjae smiled. “Yeah, I guess so.” The sun was almost gone, only little slivers remained. “I gotta go.” He stood up grinning. “Nice talking to you.”

“Yeah.”

As he got to the metal door, he looked back. “Oh yeah, Jong In? Good luck with her.” He winked. I was about to say thank you, and then I noticed the emphasis on the said pronoun in the sentence. Damn, he did catch it. He left before he could see my face.

Why did Lu Han have to be a guy? But the thought of him being a girl… I didn’t like it much. Something about him suited the ‘him’ part. I don’t know what it was.

Maybe it’s because I really am gayer than I thought.

I shook my head. Hyukjae helped me decide. I don’t know what it was that helped me, but it did. I’m not going to try and change it anymore. I already know I’m screwed. I already know somehow Lu Han managed to grab onto my heart in a death grip, I already know he’s one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, I already know that I’m… I’m in love with him. I already know. So you know what? As painful as it is, I’m just going to live with it.

I smiled against the soft air of Seoul, blushing a little bit as imagined his cute baby face and pretty Chinese accent. I had a nice feeling in my heart.

As soon as I got down the long, boring stairs from the roof, the first place I went was the EXO dorm. I had this feeling inside of me, like I came over the war with myself and just let it defeat me. I was defeated, but strangely, I felt like I was floating on clouds.