It’s hard to become angry without a reason.

It’s hard to comprehend what you don’t understand.

It’s hard to get hurt without the right to feel and be hurt.

But isn’t it harder to love someone who sees you as…you have no idea how?

For the past few years, I've searched for countless solutions and even to this day I'm still searching, but that single question still rattles my mind: how could I have attained the love of a man who has wholeheartedly given his heart to another?

|| …………. ||

I watched him as he stared out the window of her favorite coffee shop, quietly sipping her favorite drink.

I knew he was thinking of her. Like always.

He changed the direction of his gaze toward me, and our eyes met for a few seconds.

I forced a smile before lowering my head.

I couldn't look into his eyes without crying.

I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears.

I just couldn't.

It’s been a year since she passed away, but her memories remain with him. He treasures them as if they are the world to him…as if he’ll lose a part of himself if he didn’t.

I was leaving tonight and he didn't know.

I chose to leave not because I’m tired of being by his side, but because I knew she was, and still will forever be, the world to him. She held and will always hold the position I’ve wanted to have even before the accident.

Besides knowing I might never see him again…the most painful of part was realizing that no one can ever replace her.

Nothing I did, or can do, will change how much she means to him.

|| Flashback: High School Years ||  

Why is it that when you fall in love, you become stupid?
Is it because it becomes right even if it’s wrong?
Because you become weak even if you’re strong?
Is it because you give without asking for anything in return?
Or is it because you’re happy even if it hurts?
 

“Kazu-kun!” I yelled to the guy leaning out the patio at the end of the hallway.

Hearing his name, he turned his head slightly towards my direction then gazed off into the distance once more.

I ran up to him as quickly as I can and when I got there, I could tell from the sad expression on his face that he already knew.

I stood in front of him with both hands on my knees, panting.

When I finally caught my breath, I straightened up and gave him the biggest smile I can.

“Have you heard?” I asked cheerfully.

He blankly stared at me, seemingly uninterested with what I have to say. After a long pause, he took a deep breath and answered, “What?”

Keeping my mocking smile, I clasped my hands together and looked up into the sky, then back at him. “Ayumi-chan and Keito-kun finally made it official!” I exclaimed with great excitement, fully knowing it will hurt him badly.

Kame tightened his fists and pretended to be ignorant of the fact. “Really)” he replied through clenched teeth.

I could hear the anger and disappointment in his voice, but I didn’t care. Call me selfish and cruel, but I wanted to see his reaction upon hearing the big news. I wanted to see the pain in his eyes as I told him that the girl his world revolved around had been swept away by the guy of her dreams.

Ayumi-chan was a year older than us; she was a senior and Kame and I were both juniors. We all went to the same high school and have been close friends since childhood. Kame considers her as his first and only love, but she, on the other hand, only saw him as a little brother and friend. Everyone knew he's in love with her, but she’d never accept him. Even if it was like that, they were still seen as “the perfect” couple and I was the third wheel who always eased her way in between the two.

People told me to stay away and just let them be. "Let them develop the same feelings for each other," they said…but I just couldn’t. His feelings for her is the same exact feeling I have for him…so how did they expect me to just back down and watch by the sidelines, hoping for them to be happy together?

|| …………. ||

As days turned to weeks, and weeks into months, Ayumi's and Keito’s relationship remained strong while Kame’s hopes started to fade away slowly.

I stayed with him throughout the whole time, praying that one day he’ll say those words I’ve been dying to hear…And that day did come.

We were walking home from the restaurant where Ayumi's birthday party was held, and where Keito senpai got down on one knee and gave her the promise ring he had been keeping since Christmas.

It was pouring hard that day and instead of taking the bus, Kame chose to walk home in the rain.

I ran after him, and when I finally caught up, he stopped walking and turned to face me.

He grabbed both my arms and pulled me closer to him as he kissed me forcefully.

My eyes shot open and I was quickly taken by surprise.

His lips were pressed against mine and mine on his.

It was just like a dream…except, there were no sparks in the kiss.

No tenderness.

No love.

As our lips parted he stared into my eyes and said, almost emotionless, “Let’s go out.”

Immediately, a smile traced over my face as his words entered my ears.

He was finally asking me to be his.

I didn’t care if he meant it or not.

It was the chance I’ve been waiting for.

I was finally his girl.

As happy as I was, our relationship wasn’t like what I expected and wanted it to be.

Yes, in the eyes of the entire student body, we were also a couple to envy just like Ayumi and Keito…but unlike their relationship that was full of love and compassion, ours was…

Lifeless.

Kame was never any fun to argue with because he never cared enough to even have an argument. He remained quiet most of the time, and when I try to be sweet to him, he usually recommended something else we can do “together.”

There were times when I wanted to let him go…when I wished I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we have. But I couldn’t…because I knew he wouldn't chase after me, and I guess that was what hurt the most.

With that realization, I remained by his side.

As time continued to pass, our relationship got better as he finally decided let her go.

Or so I thought.

We were at my house that night of the accident, studying for our midterm exams.

He was sitting next to me with this bright smile on his face, and I could see the happiness in his eyes…but that smile quickly faded as soon as he picked up his phone.

I watched as his expression changed and tears began to form at the corners of his eyes.

Dropping his phone to the floor, he dashed out the front door like a mad man, catching me in surprise.

After overcoming the shock, I picked up the call and from the other line. I could hear a woman weeping loudly. “Hello?” I said softly through the speaker. “Are you okay?” I asked, worried.

The sobbing woman turned out to be Ayumi’s mom. She told me, in her trembling voice, that her daughter and Keito had just gotten into a fatal car crash on their way home from Osaka and that Ayumi was in the emergency room that very moment, fighting for her life.

My mind went blank and I felt every bit of energy leave my body.

It can’t be true…this isn’t happening…

Everything was so sudden.

Not knowing how to respond, I hang up the phone and stared at the door Kame left opened as he rushed out.

Tears quickly fell down my cheeks as different thoughts entered my head.

Once I regained some strength, I followed him to the hospital.

Making my way through the bright, dizzying hallway, I caught a glimpse of Kame all alone. I stopped on the spot and stared at him as he paced around by the surgery room, waiting impatiently for the news.

After an hour or so, the doctor finally came out, and closed the door quietly and gently behind him. He stood there in front of Kame with his eyes lowered, shaking his head in remorse. Needing to tend to his other patients, he patted Kame’s shoulders and left.

I watched as Kame fell to the floor.

In that instance, it seemed as if his whole world had collapsed.

It came crashing down…shattering before his eyes.

Ayumi died that day and so did a part of Kame.

|| …………. ||

I remembered he once told me that I reminded him of her. That he saw a bit of her in me…and it was then I realized why he asked me to be his girlfriend.

It wasn’t because he saw me as more than a friend.

It wasn’t because he liked me.

No, it wasn’t anything like that.

It was because…I reminded him of the girl he has devoted himself and gave his whole heart to.

After that accident, there were several times I caught him staring off into space as if his spiritual self had already left this world to find her in the next.

As much as it pained me, I couldn’t do anything but just watch and be there for him.

One night as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store, he hugged me tightly from behind and whispered in my ears, “Thank you…for everything.” He took a pause and continued, slowly releasing me, “If not forever, stay with me for the longest time you can.”

At that moment, I knew I couldn’t leave him, at least not yet.

|| End of Flashback ||

I was never my real self, when I was with him.
I’ve lost my true self with all those lies, and trying to be someone that he wanted…someone that he can love.
I’ve lost the real me, trying to be her.
All this time, I’ve pretended to be blind.
I let him pretend to love me back…
But it ends right here.

After finishing his drink, he walked me to the door of my apartment and kissed me goodnight.

As our lips part, I whispered those three words that would decide everything, “I love you.”

Kame backed away slightly and smiled. He then brushed my cheek, told me goodnight, and left.

I walked inside my empty apartment and closed the door silently behind me.

I stood there and shut my eyes, wanting for all of it to be just a bittersweet dream.

His reaction was expected.

I knew he wouldn’t say it.

I knew he couldn’t say it…

Because he wouldn’t say something he doesn’t mean.

Same as how tears rolled down my face, I slid to the floor slowly as if I had lost control of my body.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stay.

This chapter of my life was done, but just like how the story goes on…so does life.

I waited an hour and grabbed my luggage.

I picked up the envelope on top of the counter and stared at it; it was an acceptance letter from the school I’ve dreamed of attending ever since I was in junior high. After working my  off, I finally received that full scholarship.

I held on to the letter tightly as I closed the door behind me.

Downstairs awaited a cab that would take me to the airport and there, a plane that would carry me to a place of new beginnings.

We sped down the highway and I arrived at the airport.

Moments later, my flight is called and I aboard the plane, ready to face my new life.

Like a majestic bird, the plane flew to the sky.

I never looked back.

I kept my eyes ahead and waited patiently for time to go by.

As each minute, each second passed…I felt the distance between us growing farther and farther apart.

I left my life that day.

I left him.

I finally let him go, without a proper goodbye.

I wish I could say I hope he finds what he’s looking for…

But we both know it doesn’t exist…

At least, not anymore.