There she is, so beautiful, so pure. Her laughing eyes, the swish of her hair and her soft lips on my own. She looks at me with something I know is love. It is just the two of us in the landscape of loneliness. It was always just us. She smiles at me, filling me with indescribable warmth - it’s the first time I had ever felt so complete and so alive. Our fingers are intertwined in the creamy white of the light beyond and I smile in bliss.

It’s cold. A wind has picked up - icy winds stabs through the air. She looks up at me, but this time her eyes are blank and staring. She rips her hand from my own and with a hand that felt colder, much colder and much more painful than ice, she cups my cheek. She draws a freezing trail down my throat until her palm rested over my heart. I keep looking at her, but she’s lost in the fog that hid everything from me. But suddenly I fly backwards, helpless. And I watch as she walks away, there’s another figure waiting for her. Someone familiar...

With a gasp, I jolted awake. Desperate pants filled the stale silence of the room and the pale blue of the ceiling stretched endlessly above me, oblivious to the pain I felt. Under the flimsy sheet, my fist twisted into the material. I rolled over to the side, facing the wall, closed my eyes. Still the tears kept flowing. It was the first time I remembered feeling such unbearable pain. It was better to feel nothing, to feel numb, rather than this. Anything but this.

“Joon.”

My eyes flew wide open but quickly shut again. It was Sang Hyeon -  Thunder. It was too soon to face the world. For the next century, I was content to stay here, barely living, with a hurt that destroyed memories of a life I tried to desperately to hold onto.

“I know you’re awake.”

I could hear him step into my room. I could hear the smallest intakes of breath as he took in the feather of ripped pillow, of broken glassware, of complete destruction I had evoked on myself. He stopped and I could feel his piercing stare on me.

“Thunder?”

He stayed silent so I continued.
“Do you...ever regret...becoming friends with an assassin?”

I waited for his reply in tense anticipation. Sunyoung, Thunder, Mir, they were my family. My dysfunctional family, but family nonetheless. It was only now I had started to doubt our bond. It was only now I realised being an assassin with Mir could jeopardize our everything. It had already driven Sunyoung away. Hadn't it? Wasn't everytime she looked at me filled with me? As if I would hurt her. As if I could hurt her. As if I was a monster.

“No, Joon, never.”

It wasn’t exactly relief that flooded through me but rather a mixture of loss and regret. Was it a lie? I may never know but I knew that Sunyoung had never truly loved who I was. How could she? A monster.

Thunder stepped away, quietly but still I heard him.

“Thunder. Check up on...her for me. Sunyoung.”

“Sunyoung?”

Maybe another time I would explain why and what happened. But for now, all I needed to know was that she was fine. That she could cope, like I couldn’t. I would only trust Thunder for this.

A quiet slam of my door announced his exit and I quickly fell asleep, but even then, it gave no respite from reality.

*

The ringtone sounded through the silence waking me from my slumber. A groan escaped my lips as I saw the still wet tear stain on my pillow - I hadn’t been asleep long. Despite this, I still felt the irritation in my eyes not only by the light that filtered through the half open windows but also the swollenness. I fumbled around  beside me on the bed for my phone and squinted as the harsh glare of the screen showed it was 10:20 am and there was one new text message.

A stupid hope filled me as I unlocked the smartphone only to be crushed again as the text was from Mir, not Sunyoung.

I’m coming back tonight, hyung! Little low on cash though. Think you could steal some from Thunder? :)

I threw the phone back beside my pillow and slumped back onto the mattress. Clean breaks were best but all I felt was exhaustion through to my soul and completely drained of emotion. So empty.

Another text, Mir.

You’re lying in bed right now, too lazy. Please?

If I had the energy left, I’d roll my eyes and ignore it, but instead I turned over and slowly sat up, head spinning slightly. Thunder’s jacket was slung over the back of the chair like always and I trudged over to it, cursing life as I went.

Thunder’s wallet was usually in his inner pockets, and usually with some spare change for Mir and I. Again I wondered if he had lied, and that maybe he hated living like an assassin just in the name of friendship.

My hand quickly pulled his brown leather wallet out, dropping something in the process. It was a key. And as I leaned over to pick it up, I was hit by a sudden realisation.

Not just any key, but the key to Sunyoung’s apartment.