A beeping sound. It was exactly like the time when he was in the army, when he had a bad fall in the bathroom and was rushed to the emergency with a concussion. Sung gyu had absolutely one friend back in the army, just one. At the time he finally woke up from his long sleep, the first thing that his friend did was bursting out in laughter. er. I thought you wouldn’t live! He told him. Sung Gyu figured, people reacted to scary situations not in the same way.

Like his sister, when he was sent to the army hospital with a gaping bullet hole on his shoulder. Sung Gyu was down for a full day, and when he regained his consciousness, Jieun was sitting on a chair, falling asleep. She was so peaceful and serene. For once, she looked like his mother. It was later that Howon told him how Jieun had broke a havoc inside, until it became a security concern. It was how Jieun loved her little brother. Quiet but fierce. Seemingly not a lot, but very, very much.

With the beeping sound came a bright, silvery light, soon the sound of his own, heavy breath. Sung Gyu fluttered his eyes open and narrowed them at the sight of the familiar hospital roof above him. He was here, finally, to know the truth about his fate.

Which everyone else probably already knew. Because there was an oxygen mask already attached to his face. Sung Gyu couldn’t speak. His breathing was heavy and uncomfortable, the mask warming up his skin. But he could still move his hands. He tried to reach out for something, anything. But it was just the heart monitor attached to his finger that he could feel, and the IV drip. He was bound to the bed like a sick man.

“Oppa?” A familiar voice, one that sent his heart beat spiraling, a voice that he’d yearned to hear for a long time. Over the bright light coming from the roof above, Jung Eunji’s face appeared. She was beautiful, she was still his venus, his morning star.

“Sung Gyu oppa? Are you awake?” 

Sung Gyu reached a hand out and touched her arm. Yes. He wanted to tell her. And I’m so happy you’re the first person I could see.

“Oh god, oh…” Her hand grasped his fingers, caressing him, her lips kissing his knuckles. “Wait, give me a moment, I’ll fetch a doctor and come, okay?”

The wait after that was excruciating. He didn’t want doctors. He wanted Eunji again. But it was a flurry of doctors and nurses that came after, and hours long of medical procedures. His blood drawn, medicine injected into the IV that went into his blood stream, and getting swtched from the oxygen mask to oxygen tubes in his nostrils. It felt like forever until he could lay back down in his covers, and accept it with a heavy heart, this would be his life now.

They asked him questions, a lot of questions. About his symptoms, how long they’ve been there. He was at the military hospital so of course they knew he was the one to have been exposed to the chemical the most. In order to rule out if it was the cause, they would be doing a biopsy. And an MRI scan. They were hoping it wasn’t something too serious, but as no research has been done on the effects of the chemical, they couldn’t really tell how bad it could get. With that, they patted him on his arm, told him he did a good job and left the room.

Ten minutes later, Howon and his noona crashed in.

“Oh god, not the two of you”

“Shut up, Sung Gyu” 

He could tell his noona had cried a lot, probably all night long. 

Howon was in his uniform, the pompous idiot, one of the male nurses in the room saluted at him, Howon saluted back. Then he approached him in long strides.

“You know what they say, something good comes out of the bad stuff” Howon rested a hand on his shoulder. “Now you can finally relax and have some time for yourself, hyung”

“Howon-Ssi, if you say that again one more time, I will-,”

“Noona” Sung Gyu called her. He didn’t realise how much he missed her until he had her there. His voice broke, it was completely unintentional. Jieun also reduced to tears as she approached him and fell into his arms.

“My poor baby, why did you have to get sick again?”

Sung Gyu patted his sisters back as she cried. “It’s okay, noona. I’m okay…I’ll be fine”

“He would get to stay in the hospital as long as he has to” Howon added as if it was a good thing. “All the benefits included, a room of his own, caretakers of his own”

“Say it as it is, Howon-Ssi. He’s going to be your lab rat” Jieun grumbled and sat on the side of his bed, taking his hand.

“What does that mean?” Sung Gyu narrowed his eyes at the other.

Howon cleared his throat and turned away. “Well, you’re the longest-time administer of RJ71 that started showing effects of the chemical exposure to this extent…we’re just going to run some tests”

“Ah” Sung Gyu nodded. He already knew this would be a part of his treatments. “That kind of a lab rat”

Jieun squeezed his hand. “Don’t say it like that, Sung Gyu. It’s not a good thing!”

“Relax, noona, I’ll be fine” He turned back to his boss. “But do I get paid for that?”

“For  being a lab rat?”

“Hm, it doesn’t sound like a fun thing to do”

Howon sighed and folded his arms on his chest. “We’ll take it as a part of your work…there will be a commission”

“Good” Sung Gyu nodded, satisfied, and turned back to his sisted. “See? It’s not that bad”

For the next few minutes, Sung Gyu was briefed on the aftermaths of his assignment. Jaehyun was recovering well in the military hospital with heavy security, and his confiscated biochemical weapon was taken into investigations. What he had had was a failed specimen of RJ71, an attempt to recreate it which did not have the same strength and reliability. Jaehyun would still be arrested for attempted murder and put on trial. Sung Gyu would have had to face charges as well, if not for his assassin status, which automatically cancelled all charges. Instead, he would be given a medal for bravery and for also sparing Jaehyun’s life; which was really funny, when he would come to think of it. He didn’t deserve a medal; just plain jail time. The system worked in the cruelest ways.

“So, it really was my last mission, huh?” Sung Gyu asked them when the discussion came to a conclusion, his heart heavy. He never imagined this day would really come.

“I thought that’s what we agreed to” Jieun returned. Sung Gyu didn’t believe it would be until Howon slowly nodded.

“Hyung, the committee agreed that they should grant you an early retirement. From  the Hawks, at least. If all goes well with the treatments, the general consensus in the committee was to promote you as a commander; no more physical missions. New uniform. Sit in an airconned room and bark orders at the kids”

“So basically what you do now”

Howon shrugged. “With you not there anymore, Hyung, I think I will be on the ground again”

Sung Gyu smiled. “It’s not like you have anything to complain”

He smiled. “I guess you’re right”

“We’re just hoping it isn’t too bad” Jieun told him, squeezing his hand. 

Howon nodded, clasping his hands behind him. “The previous two patients with such nose bleeds had had minor nasal tumors, which was said to be resulted by the chemical. But they didn’t have the same level of symptoms as you…doctors assume yours might be the same, a nasal tumor”

Sung gyu wasn’t too surprised, it was something he already knew he had the risks of. He glanced at his sister who had tear filled eyes. His squeezed her hand. 

“Relax, noona, don’t be such a cry baby. It will be fine”

“If you’re not attached to all those tubes, I would have punched you” Jieun pouted. But Sung Gyu knew her worries were justified. A tumor, a possible cancer. Sung Gyu was still thirty four years old, and those were the kind of illnesses that would leave family members terrified for life.

“Anyway, where is Eunji?” Sung Gyu glanced back at the door. She left the room to fetch the doctors, and he hadn’t heard from her since.

“Oh, she’s outside” Jieun smiled. “I had to bring the babies along, I left them with her”

“Noona!” Sung Gyu glared at her. But at the same time, it was strangely heart-fluttering. His niece and nephew were also his babies as he played a big role in their lives, raising them. There was something about the woman he loved, taking care of his sisters babies for them.

Jieun seemed to understand this too.

“Come on, Sung Gyu. They’re lovely babies and-,” She gave him a suggestive smile. “It’s always good to let her have the experience first!”

“Noona!”

Jieun giggled as Howon rolled his eyes. “I told them she was the christmas cookie lady”

Christmas cookie lady. That would be one thing to about.

“Can I just see her again? Take over the babies from her please. And also leave the room”

The two of them were none-too happy about this demand. 

“We know what happened during all the times you muted us, Sung Gyu” Jieun made a gesture of pointing at her eyes and towards him. “Be nice”

The two of them left him for his bearings, nevertheless, making way for Eunji again. She was in a read high-neck sweater and jeans, very festive of her. He realised she also had her usual cafe christmas hat in her back pocket. Sung Gyu expected her to rush into his arms and break into tears. But instead, she approached him quietly, sat on the bed beside him and buried her face in his chest.

“Hey” Sung Gyu called her, caressing her head. Eunji pulled away from him and took his hand.

“Hi”

“You look very christmassy…also very pretty”

Eunji smiled and sat on the bed beside him.

“You too look dashing yourself”

Sung Gyu laughed. “Me? I’m on an oxygen machine and a heart monitor, Ji. I couldn’t possibly look worse than this”

Eunji pouted. “You look good enough for me. And-,” She reached for her back pocket and pulled out the christmas hat. “Christmassy” With a gentle kiss on his cheek, Eunji placed the hat on his head.

“Merry christmas, oppa”

Sung Gyu touched the soft, wispy christmas hat on his head and smiled. It’s been five years since he spent the christmas with a woman he loved. Although not in the most conventional way, it was still good enough for him.

“Merry christmas to you too” Sung Gyu muttered, reached for her face and kissed her gently as much as the tubes in his nose allowed him to.

 “Oh! I almost forgot!” She exclaimed as soon as he moved away. 

“What?” 

Eunji slipped off his bed and went to the small kitchenette of his hospital room. Someone had already decorated it for christmas. He didn’t realise it before. There were red and gold tinsles, a small christmas tree, and on a tray, two plastic cups, and a plate of cookies.

“Did you do all of this?”

Eunji busied herself around, fetching him a bed table and setting up the tray on top of it.

“Jieun unnie helped. Howon-Ssi put up the tinsles” She glanced over at him “They said you never celebrated christmas because its a couple’s holiday”

Sung gyu’s face heated up in embarrassment. There will be things for Sung Gyu to talk about with those two when he meet them again. 

“Well now, you can celebrate with me”

Eunji traversed the room towards him, carrying the tray laden with the drinks and the sweets. She kept it aside and helped him elevating the bed. Then she carefully placed the bed table over his lap.

“So I asked them if its safe for you to consume sugary things. They said you were good to go, so here we are”

On the tray was a plastic cup of cold coffee which he recognised at first glance. It was iced americano, his go-to order at Eunji’s cafe. On a plate were all sorts of cute designs of sugar cookies sprinkled red, yellow and green. Eunji sat on the bed beside him and he looked at her, completely mystified. Eunji was perfect, she was the best woman he’d ever known. He just didn’t deserve her.

“I know…that you came to the cafe when I wasn’t on the cashier…Minki told me”

Sung Gyu blinked at her. “Did Minki know?”

She shook her head. “He couldn’t recognise you. He didn’t remember you much. For him, you were a regular. And he knew your order by heart”

She pushed the cup of coffee towards him. “Iced Americano. I gave it a bit of a christmas twist and mixed a little peppermint syrup, I hope you like it. He also said you got cookies”

“It was for Yoonho and Yoonah” Sung Gyu admitted. “They love your sugar cookies”

“Your sister told me” Eunji nodded. “I gave them a whole pack. And these…” She slid the place closer to him as well. “These are for you…”

Sung Gyu nodded as a thick knot formed in his throat. Not once in his life did he imagine getting her back, spending christmas with her, spending the rest of his life with her; those were all just wishes for him, distant expectations and hopes he had if his life was any different. But they were coming back to him, as if it was always what his fate had planned. Tears welled in his eyes and started to spill before he could stop himself. 

“Ah, my eyes” He muttered, tilting back his head. “It’s all a part of being sick, I swear”

Eunji was quiet until he looked back down at her. She was smiling, at the same time she was crying. She reached out to him and took his hand in both of hers. 

“Promise me you will get better soon”

Promises. Those were difficult for him to keep, easy for him to break. He stared at her for a few minutes, his heart heavy. There were promises that he just had to keep, even if the effort it would take was unimaginable and beyond him.

Sung Gyu squeezed her hands and gave her a smile. “I promise you I will”

Fate soon proved to him that Kim Sung Gyu and promises weren’t two things that matched together. He went though his tests on the day after christmas and results came to him two days later. He was the first one to hear them, with Howon, two doctors and the head scientist of Project Stingray sitting in the hospital room with him. The doctors explained to him that Sung Gyu had been diagnosed with a stage two Paranasal Cancer.

“We’re not certain if this is directly caused by exposure to RJ71, but the likelihood is very high” One of the doctors told him.

“We had two previous patients with nasal tumors after exposure to the chemical, two of our scientists” The head scientist explained. “The tumors were non-cancerous, both easily removed’

“But paranasal tumors often go unnoticed until they become cancerous and serious symptoms start to show” 

The first doctor looked at him in a grave, accusatory manner before he continued; “If the medical check ups were regularly followed, this could have been clinically diagnosed before it became cancerous, Sung Gyu-Ssi”

Sung Gyu understood his part in medical negligence. Their unit continuosly urge to attend the regular check ups, provided days off work for them to do so. But Sung Gyu’s life wasn’t that simple. On his free days, he had to look after his niece and nephew, visit his hometown and stay with his parents for a few days. For him, the medical check ups were the last of his concerns until things started to get bad. After then, those examinations became something he actively ignored.

“So, what do we do now?” Sung Gyu asked them, trying to change the topic. 

“We will conduct a cancer removal surgery first, and depending on the success and prognosis, we could look at other treatment options”

The uncertainty surrounding the whole procedure was still making him nervous. Sung Gyu was was always mentally preparing for his demise was now actually scared to die.

“Do you think it is fatal?” So he wanted to know.

The doctors looked at one another and looked back at him. “Any surgery comes with a level of risk, and this is a surgery that will be done in the sinus cavity, so it does pose a risk in many ways. But we’re taking the necessary cautions-,”

“No, I mean the cancer” Sung Gyu swollowed hard. “Would it kill me?”

Howon stared at him, his eyes hard but concerned. He knew the worry was the same for everyone.

The doctor shook his head. “Like said, Sung Gyu-Ssi, our goal is to make the surgery a success. Let’s talk about everything else after that”

Sung Gyu wasn’t the one to reveal the truth to his loved ones. He assumed it was Howon who always acted like he didn’t have a heart but later showed that he probably had one. Sung Gyu feared their reactions; a lot of crying and tears and breaking apart. But the next time he saw Jieun, she came with the babies and they talked about anything else but that. They talked about their school, about christmas, about their parents and about Eunji. It was as if she was trying to deliberately keep the elephant in the room out of their conversations. Eunji visited him as well, and they spent hours with her laying in his bed, in his arms, listening to stories about his missions, tales from her life, yet nothing about his sickness as if she didn’t even know.

Howon later came to him with two important pieces of news; one was that his surgery would be arranged for right at the start of the next year. The other was that they suspended grey wolf from all operations and they were investigating him for trading of insider information.

“No way” Sung Gyu stared at the other in disbelief. He wouldn’t say he had a perfect judgement of character but at least Sung Gyu believed Grey Wolf was a good guy.

“They will come in to interrogate you soon. Think back to your last meeting and things you talked about and be ready”

Recalling back to that day, Sung Gyu did find grey wolf’s interest on his assignments a little odd, as well as how he guessed Sung Gyu would have one on christmas eve. Now that he thought about it.

“Jieun noona is right” Howon told him and patted on his arm “You seem to have enemies everywhere. Take care hyung, you’re too popular for your own good”