Harbour
Harbour
18 September 1990
The warm, clear blue gel felt strange against Amber’s abdomen. As Dr. Ji Won Ha placed a linear array transducer against the applied gel, Amber’s mind and heart felt heavy inside her body. She almost had trouble breathing.
Brought up in a conservative Chinese family as a protected only child, she was obviously afraid of facing this matter alone. Moreover, she knew she was in the wrong herself.
“Have a look here,” the voice of her obstetrician brought her back to the present. Amber’s lucid brown eyes moved to Ji Won’s finger that pointed to an incoherent black and white shape on the screen. Amber frowned as she realised she could not see what the doctor could. “There’s only one baby, so no twins for you." She chuckles and Amber follows along.
After reviewing her medical and obstetric history, they had decided on a due date and Ji Won gave her books and brochures she would have to read when she gets home to prepare for the pregnancy and what the future holds. Amber had not even had the opportunity to tell Ji Won her initial intention, because she herself wasn’t even sure. Today, she was eight weeks and two days.
Didn’t know it’s been there for that long, Amber thought inside.
She started to feel guilty for thinking of abortion, was even guiltier for giving in to the thought, and guiltiest of all, she came to the doctor when she should have known this well-known obstetrician could change her disarrayed mind effortlessly.
She took in a gulp of air and asked Ji Won, ”Is it a boy or a girl?” Not that it really mattered, but she had to say something in response otherwise Ji Won would think something was wrong.
“We don’t know yet.” Ji Won smiled, happier than the mother herself. “We’ll find out at the nineteen weeks' ultrasound.”
Amber sighed again. Henry was a good husband; he was the type of person who could give her everything if she asked. Even though their marriage was arranged, Amber knew Henry loved her more than she did him.
Is it wrong?
She didn’t know how many times that question had crossed her mind. She felt blameworthy for not being able to return her husband’s feelings despite his tender and caring character.
She wasn’t used to thinking for herself or even using her own instinct. Her parents made all the decision, including the school she went to, the course she did at university, and who she married. She knew she was being controlled, but she couldn’t think of other better options to do beside the ones her parents wanted her to. It was for her own good, she believed.
She knew love was the basis of all marriage, but she had never felt what love was all about in order to work out her feelings for Henry. It was then that Myung Soo, her childhood friend, came back into her life.
She wasn’t sure either if Myung Soo was the true harbour of her love, but the truth was she was fully aware how their relationship felt deeper than her relationship with Henry. Henry felt more like a transit port she was visiting, which had everything she could ask for, but never felt like home. Henry wasn’t a resentful man, he was aware of the Liu and Kim family bond and never questioned Amber’s fidelity. Her relationship with Myung Soo intensified until they realised they had made a mistake. But strange enough, Myung Soo didn’t feel guilty or regret what they had been through.
Now that she had discovered the existence of another life in her, what was she supposed to do? Certainly her parents would not be happy. But the remorse and shame she felt for Henry overwhelmed the fear she had of her parents’ rejection. Yes, Henry could certainly believe that the baby was his even though he was away overseas during the period she might have conceived it. But she could not bring herself to deceive him anymore, or even herself. She knew she could tell Myung Soo about it, but it would make things worst. She had had enough.
Meanwhile, Ji Won was still helping her understand what was on the screen, or as a matter-of-fact, in her womb. “This is the embryonic sac, the bag that protects the baby. That’s the head,” she said as she pointed to the screen, outlining a circle to demonstrate the so-called sac and a curve where the head was supposed to be. “And that’s the body.” She traced a longer curve in the middle of the screen. “Baby’s lying face down and curled up like a ball.” She smiled as she continued, “Baby is really small at the moment, like the size of a kidney bean, probably only about one point six centimetres long and weighing one gram."
Ji Won was still moving the transducer back and forth gently before stopping at certain parts of Amber’s abdomen. Amber felt strange when she realised the figure on the screen was, in fact, moving. Stranger, it was happening in her body. Strangest, she started to feel conscious of the place.
“Now, let’s listen to the heart beat,” Ji Won suggested and without waiting for Amber’s response, she reached out to a button on the machine.
Looking at the dark lines on the screen gave Amber a headache. She could not find a logical reason for how Ji Won could tell where the head was, or the more difficult location of the heart.
The sound of a galloping kind of beat filled the room. Amber gasped in astonishment and disbelief. She had never heard a sound this clear and distinct before. She found herself staring amazed at the screen and the figure within it— in her womb, to be exact. This was new, fresh, and most of all there was a sense of hope in the beat. Her eyes stung and she had to look away to wipe the drop of tear that had fallen.
Suddenly, Ji Won’s voice struck her. It was as if the obstetrician could see through her mind and heart. “Are you not happy with this pregnancy?” She asked carefully.
She looked straight into Amber’s eyes. It was intimidating for Amber to be stared at like that, although the obstetrician had no intention to do so. The indifference in the obstetrician’s eyes oozed into her and the guilt that overwhelmed her body made her feel sick everywhere.
“It’s a mistake.” She grimaced as all the things concerning her submerged her mind again.
Amber’s mind wandered back to the magazine she had read a week before. There was an article on Ji Won Ha, one of the currently renowned obstetricians. She had never been to a doctor without the company of her parents and she had never felt so confused in her life. She didn’t even doubt the idea of marrying Henry when her parents brought up the subject. When she decided to see Ji Won, she even felt out of place because… she made the decision herself. Amber hoped Ji Won could be trusted and decided to see her with the aim of getting a termination.
Ji Won extracted the transducer from Amber and took a piece of tissue from the box near the bench, where she had placed miniatures of women’s reproductive organs and some relevant equipment. She handed the tissue gently to Amber, who was already flooded with tears.
“Would you like to talk about it?” Ji Won questioned tenderly, as she cleaned the transducer from the gel and placed it in its place on the machine. She didn’t forget to press a button on the computer and the screen turned black.
Amber wasn’t an extroverted person and she hardly opened up to strangers. However, at this moment of time, she felt like Ji Won was her last hope. She was getting the impression that Ji Won thought she was a victim or something, so she brought herself to elaborate on what she meant. “I-It’s not my husband’s.”
She looked up into Ji Won’s eyes to see her reaction, but there was no hint of surprise in there. She didn’t know whether she should be glad or upset about it. She knew Ji Won heard her confession and had no intention to disregard her concern.
“I… I can’t tell my parents,” Amber choked on her tears. “Or him.”
Ji Won didn’t reply as she wanted to wait for Amber to finish her story. She handed Amber another tissue as she finally spoke, “This is a personal question. Do you love the father of the baby?”
The question took her by surprise. She had questioned herself on what Myung Soo meant to her, but having the question asked directly to her was like being struck by lightning. It was… unexpected.
“Whatever you decide is your choice, Amber,” Ji Won added, taking Amber back to the present. She had spoken up because Amber didn’t answer the question. “I can’t decide for you because you’re the one who will be living with it. But you should know that this baby is yours,” she paused for emphasis before continuing, “No one, including the father, can change that.”
Ji Won’s word somehow made her reflect on the value of her life, and those around her.
“Whatever you decide is your choice.”
“I can’t decide for you because you’re the one who will be living with it.”
Seeing the varying expressions on Amber’s face and the emotion in her eyes, Ji Won smiled kindly and caressed her hand. “It’s still your choice, Amber.”
When everything was done, Ji Won gave Amber information papers on termination of pregnancy, including the options available for her, the procedure involved, and the complications that could occur depending on the gestation it was performed at. Ji Won organised an appointment for Amber to meet her next week to tell her the decision. If Amber was to go through with the termination and preferred someone else to do it, then she could contact Ji Won and the latter would give her contact numbers and clinics she could go to.
Before she left, Amber stopped at the door and turned to Ji Won curiously. “Why did you become an obstetrician?”
Ji Won smiled calmly and replied, “When you have made your decision, I will tell you.”
*****
Drops of rain were drenching the windows and Amber turned the windscreen wipers on. She her abdomen as she waited for the traffic light to turn green.
After everything that happened, she finally came to the realisation that this child was hers, no matter who the father was. It didn’t really matter, did it, whether the father was Myung Soo or Henry? What matters the most was that she, Amber Liu, was the mother. She had the power to decide whether this child was going to live or not. If possible, she also had the power to decide who the father should be.
When the light turned green, Amber released the brakes and made her way to Henry’s office with one thing in her mind. She was going to tell Henry the truth, without naming Myung Soo.
By this time, she knew who she had chosen for life and ever.
This baby belongs to her, and no one else.
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