across the room, joohyun can see sooyoung smoking on the balcony with her friends.

her grip on a cup gets tighter. the guy she was just talking to confusedly looks on when she doesn't respond.

she can't make a scene.

it's not the first time that she does this. they talked about this for god's sake. it's not only that joohyun hates the smell -- she does, it smells horrible and then sooyoung wants to kiss her with that mouth of hers-- she's also worried.

sooyoung has been feeling pretty low these days and she had a hard time quitting smoking. there must be a reason why. sooyoung won't tell her anything. she can't even ask.

joohyun turns back to the guy and fakes a smile.

what was his name again?

she's here for sooyoung. it's a big launch, she's going to be on the billboard of the levi's advertisement in the middle of seoul. that's a big deal -- something sooyoung had strived for.

it's funny the big letters say 'FEEL THE JOY' right by her. sooyoung is the most melancholic person joohyun knows.

she loves her, joohyun has to remind herself. through thick and thin. they lived through their hardest moments in that small rooftop flat in daegu together, joohyun worked two jobs and another on the weekend while sooyoung hustled, taking a bus for hours to seoul and back. coming back weary, defeated.

joohyun would rub her back, she would massage her with her aching hands from her shoulders to her feet.

everything will be alright, she would say. we'll get through this.

now they're here. in another rooftop apartment but this one is expensive and there is no sight of cockroaches anywhere. even the bathroom is clean like no one ever shi-

"hey beautiful," sooyoung engulfs joohyun from behind.

she wraps her long arms around her waist, her collarbone gets covered by sooyoung's cold hand. it's cold outside and sooyoung went to the balcony without a jacket. joohyun is worried she'll get sick. she hasn't been taking care of herself at all.

they gently sway to the music, joohyun relaxes against sooyoung and closes her eyes.

she lets this feeling carry her away.

she's here, she feels this, she's fine and she won't leave.

why would she ever leave?

"i see how it is," the guy joohyun was talking to chuckles, "as soon as your darling comes back you won't pay any attention to me."

"sorry, i'm the most important person in this room." sooyoung grins.

"isn't that right?" he raises his glass at her, toasting her. "our bundle of joy."

"shut up." sooyoung groans but she's laughing, her chest vibrates against joohyun's back.

joohyun is held tighter, she's safe in the cage of these bones. in the arms of the one, she loves the most.

she wants sooyoung to know that it's okay. that joohyun will stay if this dream fades away. that she will continue being by her side even if they had to live in a cardboard box. she will be the one that makes sure it's big enough for both of them.

that's why- she slips her hand inside the pocket.

it's not a velvet box, she's not cliché like that. it's a necklace put instead of a pendant it's a ring. she wanted to do something special but she knows sooyoung can't be seen wearing a ring on her wedding finger. a necklace will do. at least she hopes so.

in the back of her mind, she worries - what if...

these people in here, in their penthouse, they are more important than her. she's behind the scenes, looking through the glass, writing what she sees, but she will never be like them.

sooyoung belongs.

when she first tasted success, it was like seeing her breath for the first time. sooyoung looked breath taking as she grinned at joohyun. it was the same damn smile that she used when she told her she was in love.

sooyoung is in love with this life.

is it just as much as she is in love with joohyun?

It's been years and years, joohyun feels like she's running behind. she's been meaning to talk to sooyoung, she will only accept her "yes" when she knows the whole truth.

new year, new joohyun, right?

she looks at the clock.

11:45

fifteen minutes before her life either shatters or she'll have to learn to swim.

"excuse me," joohyun slips out of her lover's arms.

sooyoung looks at her with worried looks but keeping up appearances is important, she must stay and talk to the guy.

with quick steps, she walks towards the bathroom.

she might be sick.

maybe she can't do it after all.

an arm loops around hers and she's being taken more steadily on her feet.

"breathe," yerim urges her, "in and out, match me."

joohyun follows her.

when the bathroom door is shut she is leaning against it like it's a life's support.

"what's happening in your head?" yerim asks.

"i can't do it." joohyun