II. Fool

“Why are you here again? This is my secret place,” Seungyeon entered the room with a question. Her right hand is placed on her waist. “I like it here,” I simply said while munching my lunch. 

“Trouble in paradise?” She pushed, making me furrow my brows at her. “I’m not stupid, I know you like her,” she stated, I gagged at her remark. I massaged my chest as I coughed. 

“Nonsense,” I tried to deny. “Right,” she said sarcastically.

Seungyeon's seat is at the back—near the window. We never talked with each other nor decided to initiate one. She was the opposite of who I wanted to hangout with. Always late at class, failing exams, cutting classes, and other wonderful actions she always does.

It puzzled me how she knows. Am I that obvious? Does Xiaoting know?

“You’re thinking too much,” she broke me off from my reverie. “I know because I like you,” Seungyeon confessed, like it’s an everyday phrase to say. I paused every action I’m doing while I processed the words she said.

“You, what?”

“I like you,” she repeated, “Since sophomore year,” she smiled as if she remembered how I looked that day, “When you sang for lovers who hesitate by JANNABI during our intramurals,” Seungyeon paused, her look falling off. “Then I noticed you kept on looking at someone throughout the song,” she looked at my eyes, insinuating Xiaoting as the someone, “There I knew, your heart was taken,” yet she smiled, a sad one. “Crazy how you came to me, when I was minding my own business,” as if she wasn’t solemn seconds ago, Seungyeon began chuckling. I blinked three times, just to confirm if this is true. “I’d like to call it fate. But knowing you’re hurt burdened me more, while the love of your life is parading her new boyfriend to the whole campus.”

Ouch, she hit the nail. 

“This is too much to understand in one sitting,” I murmured without thinking. The lady who just confessed to me began cackling.

“I’ll be willing to tell you everyday if that’s what it takes,” she told me proudly. I admire her courage, because that’s what I do not have. She’s quick to answer, as if she knows what I will say. We ate lunch with the remaining break time we had. She mostly talked, while I listened.

Turns out Seungyeon is just lazy. She’s more than the bad influence everybody talks about. I wish they could see this side of her.

Seungyeon and I went back to the room together, we were laughing about her story when she bumped into someone. The devil appeared—scowling. “I was looking for you,” Xiaoting told me. My new friend might’ve seen me turn upside down, she held my shoulder to support my weight. Seungyeon smiled, “We were eating lunch together,” she answered on my behalf. I saw how Xiaoting’s demeanour changed, she wasn’t amused by her answer. 

Then the bell rang. Thank heavens. 

That was the most awkward position I was in.

/

Seungyeon and I became closer. Dayeon was a little jealous but she understood. I always clarify with Seungyeon that this doesn’t mean I reciprocate her feelings towards me. She promised she would tell me if she thinks I am leading her on. I don’t want this friendship to sink just because she confessed to me. Seungyeon is easy to get along with—fun to be with. There’s never a day she never not made me smile. Ever since we met, it seems I have become liberated. I did not have to pretend to be anyone to her. She accepted every side of me. In my mind, I try my best not to compare her to Ting. They are not the same. Though there are aspects that remind me of Ting, no matter how much I deny it.

My mom dropped me off to school, I held the strap of my bag a little tighter as I walked my way to our room. When I saw the door open, I took a deep breath—ready to give Xiaoting the smile I could express. “Good morning X—” It wasn’t her. It was a woman sitting at the back of the room, near the window. Seungyeon is laying her head on the desk, her hand as her pillow. I walked to her quietly, not wanting to wake her up. I took a peek at the clock, it’s only 6:30 AM. She’s so early, I wonder why.

Seungyeon was facing the room instead of the window. I squatted in front of her to see her close. Her eyelids are long, the rhythm of her breath is peaceful, her baby hair swayed with the wind. 

Blink.

She opened her eyes. Seungyeon smiled. I just realized that our faces are close with each other. I could feel her breath on my cheek, she’s calm. I feel myself inhaling slowly. 

“Don’t tell me you’re falling for me,” she spoke with a smirk on her lips. Her hand finds its way to my cheeks, her thumb caressing my skin. I closed my eyes for a moment, then she welcomed me with a soft sigh. I saw the frustration in her eyes, so instead of trying to fight it—she kissed me. On my forehead.

“I’m sorry, I just ca—”

“I don’t mind,” I reassured her, smiling. Her expression felt relieved, I chuckled, then a stern voice echoed inside the room.

“Choi Yujin,” it was Xiaoting. Her face seemed angry, at the same time, disappointed with me. “Can we talk? Please?” Yet she tried to make her tone flat as much as she could. Seungyeon tapped my shoulder, her eyes telling me: it’s okay, go. I will be here. So I stood up, Xiaoting turned around to exit the room. I took one glance at Seungyeon, she gave me a thumbs up.

I followed Xiaoting to an empty room. She’s walking back and forth, biting her nails—she’s perplexed. Did she see Seungyeon kissing my forehead? I can’t help but to think. 

“What’s up?” I spoke calmly, and she continued walking.

“Are you gay?” she asked, stopping on her tracks. The words echoed in my ear, the question repeated like it’s the only thing I know. Xiaoting must’ve seen how dazed I am that she said, “Look, I don’t mind. Please be honest with me.”

“I—” Xiaoting’s eyes stayed on mine. “I think so, I don’t know. Yes? Gosh, I don’t know,” I stammered as I avoided her gaze. 

“Are you and Seungyeon going out?” My eyebrows raised from her second question. I know the answer, but I don’t want her to know. It’s not like she has the right to be informed. She never told me she has a boyfriend.

“Okay, I don’t even want to know,” she said when I didn’t reply. “Just—” our eyes met for a second. Her stare seemed dejected. I didn’t ask why. “Just know nothing changed between us,” Xiaoting comforted me. Then she grinned, took her steps to go in front of me.

Xiaoting gave me a hug. Her body was shaking when our bodies touched, she circled her arms on my shoulder. My body became hot when I became aware of the scenario. Her vanilla scent kicked in. I've always loved how good she smells. I closed my eyes, letting the moment sink in. “I don’t want us to fall apart,” she whispered in my ear. “I’m sorry I’m lacking these days. I’ll make it up to you,” then Xiaoting began caressing my hair. I kept my mouth shut, afraid I’d ruin the moment if I spoke. 

Later that day, I heard a rumour saying, “Did you hear? Xiaoting and his boyfriend broke up,” my gut told me to find her. As if it was an emergency, I ran and checked every person I passed by. Where are you? I keep asking myself, as if you could hear me searching for you. I ran to the rooftop and there you are, admiring the view outside the school. Your hair danced with the breeze, your skin glowing more than it should be. I was out of breath—from running and your beauty. I wanted to tell how worried I am from the thing I heard, but you looked more than okay for me to ruin the moment.

Xiaoting rested her arms on the railing. She took a deep breath and tapped the tip of her right shoe. “I’m stupid,” I heard her say. 

“You’re not,” I said back, making her jolt. Her head turned to me—she was fighting the urge to smile. “What are you doing here?” I asked, joining on her spot. Our arms brushed, just for a second. 

“What are you doing here?” she retorted. 

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. A wind blew, silence engulfed. We were both admiring the view outside.

“Do you remember when you transferred? You were scared of me,” Xiaoting started, looking at me for a second. She clasped her hands, inhaling the air. I smiled from the memory. “You were timid most of the time,” she added.

“Then you forced me to speak with you,” I said, giggling a little bit.

“No, I didn’t,” Xiaoting shook her head. “You were paired with me during art class,” I tried thinking and I couldn’t remember