I. Lilies

I met Love when I was young and a coward. At first, I thought Love was my euphoria. But I was wrong. Love also became my sorrow, regret, and what could have been.

Love displayed mixed signals that I interpreted as reciprocal. I found out years later—when I confessed—Love never loved me back. It seems like I did not reach Love the way I wanted to. Love was only looking at me like how friends do. And yet, Love was the first one to humorously ask me to be her wife.

“Let’s get married,” Love said with a giggle before saying, “Just kidding,” followed by, “I got into the moment.” Since we were talking about flowers. Maybe it was the gratification from our interaction that led Love to say it out loud. I would be lying if I said my heart did not thump more than it should. I was scared Love would hear my ragged breathing, or the pace of my heart beating quicker. I stifled fits of laughter to recover my sanity, afraid at how embarrassing it would turn out if Love noticed. 

When Love and I drifted apart, nothing was ever the same. We did not bid each other a goodbye, the connection just lost on its own.

Up to this day I cannot help but to think of the what-ifs. What if I never admitted everything to Love? How I became a better person, or how Love made everything better from the moment our eyes met until I lay down to sleep. Love was the first, best, and last part of my everyday life.

I wish I never met Love.

/

I exited my car—trembling, holding an invitation from my High School. The card says:

Joongdong High School 
Batch 2013 Reunion 
7:00 pm at the Gymnasium 

Flood of memories rushed in as I took a step to the entrance. 10 years already, huh?

Looking around, nothing changed much. Except maybe we became older now—wiser from our high school selves. I lifted my arms to check the time: 7:32 pm. I wasn’t a tardy student and this is the first time I am late. To be fair, this isn’t a class or I’m just making myself feel better.

I can hear the noise of the people chatting and the glass clinking in the background. My heart started thumping faster, so I clenched my fist—stopping from my tracks. I reached for my purse, searching for the cigarette I always bring just in case. I quickly lit it up, blowing a smoke to calm my nerves. 

Get a grip, Yujin. I tell myself over and over as the tobacco burns in front of me

“Choi Yujin smoking a cigarette now?” The most familiar voice echoed at my back. I tapped my Marlboro Red, the ashes hitting the ground. I did not turn around. I heard her steps coming near, her vanilla scent invading in. Shortness of breath kicking in. I feel like I’m suffocating as I hear every tap of her heels on the way to me. 

“Hi,” she murmured when she stood beside my left. I didn’t answer, instead, I inhaled my cigarette—holding it for some seconds before blowing the smoke off of my mouth. For a moment, I felt her looking at me while I tried my best to keep my eyes in front. Scared that if our eyes met, I would break down. 

As if she’s out of her mind, she snatched my cigarette and threw it on the ground. Her foot landed on it, putting the ashes off. “What the is your problem?!” I shouted out of irritation. 10 years of not seeing each other and this is the first sentence coming off my mouth. How adorable. 

She went in front of me, trying to reach my eyes. “Yujin, I—”

“Yujin! There you are!” I heard Dayeon’s voice from behind. Seeing my chance to get out of this scenario, I quickly turned around. There she is, my best friend waving at me, her smile fading away when she sees who I am with. “Come in! They’re waiting for you!” she shouted, motioning her hand for me to walk with her. I felt a lump on my throat when I did not check back. It’s not like I want to, that’ll only send mixed signals. That would only make me hopeful, if—if her eyes shined like she needed me back. 

Just like before. 

Year 2012. Month of July. 6:50 AM.

“Xiaoting!” I yelled when I saw her on her desk. Everyday, I would do the same. Both of us come to the school early. Because one; my mom drops me off before going to work, two; she lives one hour away from school. Hence, why we always have extra time in the morning to be alone together. “Yujin,” she greeted, a smile on her lips forming. 

“How’s your morning?” Xiaoting asked while I settled on my seat. I looked at her, her eyes glistening as she waited for my answer. “It’s—” I dropped my case. She stood up to help me pick it up. Her arm brushed on mine, making me feel goosebumps. I hid my face as I felt it becoming hot. “Thank you,” I murmured when she lifted it up. “It’s ok, my mom drove me here as usual,” I answered her question when both of us went back to our seats. “You?” I retorted.

“Sleepy,” she shortly answered back. 

“That’s not new,” I told her, looking at the black board in front of us.
“What’s new is you blushing right now,” Xiaoting announced without even thinking twice. My eyes widened for a second, finding my composure as to