♫♫♫

 

The lights onstage grow dim. The feel of the microphone in his hand is cold. His palms are already clammy with sweat, and there are constant sounds and chatter drifting into his ears like background noise. His eyes are stinging, and his heart feels heavy tonight as though it were made of lead.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath and casts his gaze towards the crowd in front of him. Some are seated at their tables, while some are standing and cheering him on, eagerly awaiting his performance.

Unfortunately, Jongwoon doesn’t feel the least bit enthusiastic right now.

He can still remember the fight he had with his boyfriend earlier, one that left him feeling frustrated and angry.

And sad and helpless at the same time.

---

“You don’t have time for me anymore,” Hyukjae said quietly, his voice breaking the stillness of the atmosphere. “But it’s not really a surprise. I think you’ve already found me unworthy of the effort these past few months.”

Jongwoon resisted the urge to groan. “This again, Hyukjae?”

Hyukjae lifted his head and met Jongwoon’s eyes with a hard stare. “‘This again’? Do you find this discussion troublesome, hyung? Is that it?” he said, obviously upset.

“Of course not,” Jongwoon denied instantly. “But you keep bringing up this issue every single time. I’m always tired from work, Hyukjae. I told you about my hectic schedule before we agreed to start dating. It wasn’t an issue for you back then, so why do you keep bringing this up again and again?”

“Because you don’t have time for me anymore, that’s what!” Hyukjae finally burst out, narrowing his eyes into a glare, fists clenching at his sides. “You made time for me back then, didn’t you? Do you think that I’m not busy, too? Do you have any idea how many nights I spent just waiting for you to send me a text? How many nights you promised me you’d call, but you never did?

“So I had enough and took the courage to come here to your studio myself to talk this issue out, to try to fix things between us in person, but you still keep avoiding it!” he said angrily. “Hyung, we’re meeting for the first time in months and this is how you treat me?”

Jongwoon gritted his teeth.

He really hated this.

He hated getting involved in any kind of conflict. Now that this was starting to become a full-blown argument, he felt like he was being falsely accused and troubled for no reason at all.

Hadn’t he always made an effort?

Why was Hyukjae always being so unreasonable?

“But I always texted you, didn’t I?” Jongwoon said, irritated. “I always found time to chat with you despite being busy. I know. I know that we live so far away from each other, I know that this long-distance relationship absolutely , but can’t you see all the efforts that I made for you, too? I work full-time, and there’s a lot of stakes in this current project. It’s not like I just sit around at home all the time. I barely even have the time to have fun!”

Hyukjae laughed. It wasn’t an amused laugh, but a mocking one, and it grilled Jongwoon's nerves even further. “You’re saying that you barely even have the time to have fun? Whenever we messaged each other, you always told me that you’d be playing games for a short while to de-stress. You always promised to reply to me again after an hour or call me after you’re done. You told me you’d make sure to be quick. So I waited.

“But you never messaged again. You never called. So I texted you first, and that would be when you’d reply to me again. Are promises a joke to you, hyung? Is it because these promises are so small, so insignificant, that you don’t even bother to take them seriously?”

Jongwoon rubbed his temples, already feeling exhausted and stressed. “I said sorry, didn’t I?” he said tiredly. “Come on, Hyukjae. Let’s stop this, okay? Don’t be mad.”

But Hyukjae’s anger was far from over. “Oh, yes, you did. You always told me you’re sorry, that you’d never do it again. But you never changed the next day. You took me for granted once again.” His voice cracked a bit, and Jongwoon felt something akin to guilt stir his heart. “And the worst thing... is that I kept letting you.”

Jongwoon started to speak, to try to say his side once more, but the fury in Hyukjae’s eyes stopped him.

“Come to think of it, I’ve always been waiting for you, haven’t I?” Hyukjae said, his voice a lot quieter this time. He looked tired all of a sudden, like all the energy faded away from his body.

Jongwoon noticed the change of note in his boyfriend’s voice and suddenly felt that this conversation was going to go somewhere he definitely wouldn’t like.

“...I can’t take this anymore,” Hyukjae said, heaving a deep sigh. “I’m tired of waiting for you. I’m tired of always giving in. I’m tired of you always saying that I’m too sensitive, that I should be more understanding. The thing is, hyung, I have been understanding. I tried to understand you many times. I never once wanted to hold you back from your work, from the responsibilities you bear on your shoulders. Especially that promotion that you want so much, but...”

Hyukjae paused for a moment as though collecting his thoughts. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jongwoon and only stared at his hands that were resting on his lap.

“I’m tired of always letting things go when it comes to you,” he finally said. “And I’m tired of always feeling guilty that I’m ‘demanding’ your attention every single time. I have my pride too, you know? Even though it made me feel pathetic, dependent, and attention-seeking, I just wanted to talk to you more. I just wanted to hear your voice more, to see your face more, even if it was only through the screen.”

Jongwoon was silent the entire time. He wanted to say something, anything to just assure Hyukjae, but he didn’t want to interrupt. He knew that doing so would only irritate Hyukjae.

‘That’s not it at all,’ was what he wanted to say.

Hyukjae was misunderstanding the situation as always. Jongwoon, too, was getting tired of this. But he really didn’t want to fight.

“We’re in a relationship, but we rarely ever communicate properly with each other,” Hyukjae continued on through the silence. “Even though I work full-time too like you, I stayed up late every night just so I could have a chance to talk to you before you go to sleep. I knew you were busy all the time, but I held on to the hope that I could experience you messaging me first, calling me first, and talking to me more, not because you were forced or obligated to, but simply because you missed me,” he said bitterly. “I wanted it to happen so I could reassure myself that you do think about me from time to time.”

“Hyukjae, I—”

“No, let me finish. What—What I’m saying is...” Hyukjae bowed his head and took a deep breath. When he lifted it once more to look at Jongwoon, his eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. “It’s not working anymore. This relationship... I don’t think it’s going to work if it’s like this all the time. It took me a long time to accept it, but I guess... I guess it’s finally time for me to face reality. The harsh truth that I am in fact not your priority at all.”

The tears fell from Hyukjae’s eyes and he shuddered slightly, forcing the next words to come out of his mouth. “And it hurts. So I... I refuse to let myself get hurt by you any longer.”

“Hyukjae—”

“...Let’s break up, Jongwoon-ah.”

At that moment, it was like time completely stopped for a moment, with Jongwoon’s face frozen in an expression of shock.

With those words, the severity of the situation was finally beginning to sink in.

Hyukjae had said that same line so many times before, during moments when he was either frustrated, sad, angry, or in the mood for playing a prank. It was said so often that Jongwoon couldn’t help but not take it seriously.

But this time...

This time, it was different. It wasn’t the same as before, Jongwoon realized.

It was the eerie calmness in Hyukjae’s voice. The tone of resignation.

The finality.

He should say something, Jongwoon knew. He should say something. Anything.

He should say sorry. He should talk this out. He should stop him. He should stop Hyukjae from fulfilling his words and leaving him for good.

In that instant, all the good memories began to resurface in his mind, one by one.

It was strange, yet deeply fascinating at the same time. They had a lot of great times together back then. They were like the best of friends, but they were also like a sappy pair of lovers.

In their earlier dating phase, they used to see each other a lot, and if work and personal matters got in the way, they would come at least once a month, visiting each other’s cities and hanging out all day.

Those moments were the happiest Jongwoon had ever been.

But then life happened.

As time passed, Jongwoon found himself tired and weary every day, only energized by drinking a few cups of coffee in one sitting. He was in line for a big promotion at work. Their department was given a very important project to work on, a big opportunity that none of them wanted to pass on.

They were divided into three teams, and Jongwoon became the leader of his team. He worked hard and stayed late at the company many times. However, that wore him out as the days passed. Suddenly, there was no time to eat a full breakfast, no time to eat dinner after getting home, no time to watch a drama or movie, and not enough time to unwind.

By the time he got home late at night from work, he would either go straight to sleep without changing his clothes, or he would play games on his phone to at least keep his mind off the stress. Sometimes, his team would go out to have dinner after leaving the company, too. Those were probably the only times when he felt the stress lessen a bit.

The critical period for the project had already passed about two months ago, and their workload was significantly easier this time thanks to their initial efforts, but the burnout in his system remained for a while.

He felt tired physically and emotionally all the time. He didn’t have the energy to get up and clean around the house. Sometimes the dishes piled up, and the trash bags were yet to be taken out. During weekends, he had to force himself to do chores, and after that, he would either surf the internet, play games, or watch movies.

He didn’t have the energy to communicate with his friends, his family, and even with his own lover.

That was the start of the distance that built up between him and Hyukjae, especially after the latter’s work hours increased, causing them to be unable to see each other every month. All the frustration that had built up little by little finally exploded.

Jongwoon’s chest felt hollow at this realization. What have I been doing all this time...? he thought to himself dully.

When did it all start to go wrong?

What should he have done to prevent it?

It wasn’t like this was the first time that Hyukjae brought up their issues. Jongwoon just didn’t want to face it. He didn’t want to acknowledge it, even.

And look at what that brought him now.

The quaver in Hyukjae’s voice was what brought him back to reality. “You’re not even going to say anything?” he said, sounding upset.

Jongwoon swallowed, feeling immensely conflicted. There was a desperate note to Hyukjae’s voice this time, one so fragile that it broke his heart to pieces. Hyukjae was clearly hurt, but he was still trying to give Jongwoon another chance.

One more chance to take everything back.

But Jongwoon was a fool among all fools. He just sat there silently, digesting what he had just heard, the shock of the entire conversation still processing inside his head like a stunning blow. His face was frozen in an indecisive expression, and his tongue seemed to stiffen, rendering him unable to speak. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know where to start.

Because he felt guilty. So, so guilty about everything.

Because he had taken Hyukjae for granted. It was true that he had used multiple excuses to avoid having conversations with Hyukjae because he was always too tired and didn’t have the energy to hold a decent conversation.

Because he couldn’t bear to show this weak side of himself to Hyukjae. He thought that if he complained, that if he ever started ranting about his life to Hyukjae, the latter would quickly grow tired of him.

He stupidly thought that Hyukjae would not be able to handle him during his sad days, during his worst times, during his vulnerable moments.

Oh, how arrogant he had been.

But he couldn’t bring himself to say these thoughts out loud. Even after Hyukjae told him to break up, Jongwoon still couldn’t assure him like always.

Had he grown tired of this, after all?

He didn’t know. It was just too depressing to think about.

Maybe Hyukjae was right.

Jongwoon didn’t even make an effort to make Hyukjae a priority.

When the silence stretched out for too long, Hyukjae finally let out a mirthless chuckle.

“I guess I’m the only one who cared in this relationship, huh, Jongwoon-ah?”

With those words, he left.

And this time, without looking back.

Jongwoon stared at his retreating figure, his vision blinded by tears.

---

The words stung, and he can’t stop thinking about it. Unlike their usual fights, this one feels a lot like defeat from the beginning. Like it was bound to happen.

And it still bothers him so much that he can feel the hollowness spreading from his chest.

Jongwoon hangs his head, trying his best to control his expression. There are too many people here, and he’s about to perform. If he shows weakness right here, it would only bring him a lot of concerned questions afterwards.

Questions that he can’t bear to answer right now.

The argument between him and Hyukjae happened barely a few hours ago. After Hyukjae left, Jongwoon could only sit there in his seat with a wide-eyed expression, unable to believe that it actually happened. His mind raced with a million thoughts, which only gave him a headache.

It was only when his friend called him that he finally snapped out of his trance.

It was the weekend, and his friends from high school planned a reunion at a bar that a classmate owned. Jongwoon had been in a band back when he was a sophomore, so he and his former members decided to take advantage of the live music and perform for the first time in years, for old time’s sake.

However, after the breakup, Jongwoon suddenly felt that it was a hassle to come. But he promised his friends, so he had no choice but to come. He remembered that he even told Hyukjae earlier to come with him so he could introduce him to everyone.

But Hyukjae left him now.

The thought of it only made Jongwoon feel worse.

In the end, he arrived at the bar. It was filled with people, with most of them being his former classmates. Many familiar faces greeted him and asked him how he had been, but Jongwoon didn’t have the energy to chat with them for too long.

He reunited with his high school band and discussed the set of songs that they were about to perform.

He thought that he would get distracted here.

He was wrong.

He felt regret and sadness pooling in his gut. He couldn’t think of anything else but their argument. He should’ve said something. He should’ve reassured Hyukjae. He should’ve promised to do better this time.

He should’ve trusted Hyukjae more.

Right now, as the instrumental starts to play in the background, Jongwoon’s fingers tremble against the mic stand. He feels a sense of crisis in his heart. His heart tells him to go back to the apartment, to get off the stage so he can call Hyukjae on the phone, to talk to him one last time.

However, his head tells him otherwise. He’s somewhere else right now, in front of a crowd of people. His logic is fighting with his emotions. He suddenly wants to leave, but he doesn’t want to make a scene.

But when he sees the smiling faces filled with anticipation in front of him, he’s frozen in place.

It turns out that he doesn’t even have the courage to leave.

One hour, Jongwoon tells himself as he takes a deep breath.

Just one hour, and he’ll be able to get this over with and go home.

But as expected, he can’t.

Jongwoon sings, just like how he rehearsed it. He tries to focus, but he just can’t get Hyukjae’s image eradicated from his mind.

The sight of the tears shimmering in Hyukjae’s eyes... The obvious strain in his voice...

The pained expression on his face when Jongwoon didn’t say anything to take him back.

Everything about that conversation plays over and over in Jongwoon’s head, torturing him internally as he sings, causing his voice to shake and choke up occasionally.

Some people look at him worriedly, and a few are even staring at him with curiosity at the minor slip-ups. A few of his friends seem confused and are whispering to each other about something.

Jongwoon realizes this and quickly gets his head together. He sings the second song flawlessly, making the crowd engrossed in his performance.

He can’t break down here. Not right now.

At the end of the third song, there’s a five-minute break where they drink water and prepare for the next performance. The audience shouts out what they want to listen to next, and Jongwoon’s bandmates hype up the crowd, causing everyone to cheer.

Jongwoon, on the other hand, just stays by the microphone stand, staring listlessly at the sea of faces before him. For a fleeting moment, he wonders if the audience can see his broken heart right there on display.

He is only shaken out of his deep trance when one of his bandmates passes by and gives him a pat on the shoulder, his eyes filled with concern. Jongwoon gives a forced smile and shakes his head. He wonders if they know what he’s feeling inside. Is his misery transparent to other people?

Jongwoon takes a deep breath and smiles at the crowd, hoping that they won’t notice his strained expression.

He suddenly wants to just escape then and there. Why the hell is he even here, singing love songs to former classmates when his own lover is somewhere out there, probably walking through the streets and crying out of distress?

Hyukjae came to Jongwoon’s city to visit him. Does Hyukjae have a place to go? Whenever he came here before, he would always stay at Jongwoon’s place, no questions asked.

Hyukjae’s flight back home is tomorrow. Where is he gonna go at this time of night? Is he going to stay at a motel?

No. No... He shouldn’t. It’s too dangerous.

Hyukjae should stay with him.

Beads of sweat drip down Jongwoon’s temple. He wants to take out his phone and at least send Hyukjae a text that he’s welcome to stay at his place in the meantime.

But for some reason... he can’t do it.

What if Hyukjae ignores him? What if Hyukjae gets mad and tells him not to care because their relationship is already over?

Jongwoon shuts his eyes. The five-minute break is over, and the next song has been decided. He needs to sing again.

The song is familiar. He remembers singing to this many times when he was in high school.

He takes a deep breath.

As the sad instrumental begins to play, drifting into his ears like a whispering melody that grows in volume by the second, creating a cacophony in his head, he closes his eyes and tries to shut his feelings out for the hundredth time.

“In the end, are we just passing each other by?” Jongwoon sings soulfully, staring at the crowd before him who are starting to sway along with the melody.

Some are busily eating, some are talking to each other, and some are staring at him with smiles on their faces. Some couples are holding hands and whispering into each other’s ears, and the sight of it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste in Jongwoon’s mouth.

They started out like that, too. Him and Hyukjae.

They used to be so sweet to each other. He would touch Hyukjae’s face in the middle of the conversation just to stare deeply into his eyes. Hyukjae would hold his hand and squeeze it tightly, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek.

They used to have so much fun whenever they visited each other. They would eat outside, take photos as they walked together, and then watch a movie at Hyukjae’s house before bed. Whenever Hyukjae came here to Jongwoon’s city, they would do the same, and it was a routine that both of them enjoyed simply because they loved being in each other’s company.

Jongwoon thought that it would stay like that forever.

“Do we need to erase each other in our memories...?”

But he had greatly underestimated what the distance would do to their relationship. Being too far from each other has its consequences.

If it was going to turn out this way, maybe they shouldn’t have decided to get into a serious relationship. That way, they could’ve spared themselves this heartbreak.

And to spare Hyukjae from being with someone like me, Jongwoon thinks to himself sullenly.

“Holding on to the pain your love left me, how will I be able to endure my grief?”

While singing, Jongwoon watches dully, eyes slightly out of focus, as someone seems to walk towards the middle of the crowd. The lights have grown brighter during this time, allowing him to see more of the people he’s performing in front of.

They’re mostly familiar faces, but they feel more like strangers to him now.

Although it’s nothing eye-catching, something tugs at Jongwoon in his head, making him look more closely.

“Everyday, the bitter thoughts come in...” Jongwoon squints as the new person moves closer, and when the lights shine on their face, Jongwoon’s words trail off.

A few people look confused, which Jongwoon’s sharp eyes catch in an instant, so he hurriedly catches up on the melody.

“...I—I felt like dying, b—but I will never regret that I had fallen deeply in love with you,” he finishes just before the chorus, and he sees some puzzled faces at the obvious stutter in his voice.

Jongwoon can’t believe it.

Hyukjae.

Hyukjae is here.

Right in the middle of the crowd, watching him.

Watching him sing.

“Whenever I miss you,” Jongwoon sings with uncertainty, gaze connecting with Hyukjae’s dull, listless one, “whenever I miss you so badly...”

Why is Hyukjae here...?

Why...?

Jongwoon can’t understand.

Did Hyukjae come here... for him...?

“Once in a while, I'll cry when nobody is around...” Jongwoon sings, and suddenly he’s come to a realization that the song is hitting a little too close to home, as if fate had intended for him to sing this very song in front of the man who had come into his life that fateful day two years ago.

“Don’t forget, please don't forget that I am always right next to you.”

---

The first time Hyukjae listened to him sing, he was more ecstatic than Jongwoon.

“How can you sing so well?” he rambled on. “If I had a voice like yours, I would never stop singing!”

Jongwoon laughed aloud. “It’s nothing, really,” he responded, shyly averting his gaze.

“Don’t be so modest!” Hyukjae grabbed his hand and stared at him admiringly. “You could become a singer with that talent!”

Jongwoon chuckled. “That’s a little exaggerated, don’t you think? I’m not that good.”

“What do you mean you aren’t?” Hyukjae pouted. “You don’t believe me?”

“Okay, okay, I believe you,” Jongwoon said dotingly, reaching out to touch his lover’s cheek. “Well, you might be surprised to learn that I used to be in a band when I was in high school.”

Hyukjae’s eyes went wide. “Really?! That’s so cool!” he exclaimed. “Tell me more about it. How come you never mentioned this before?”

“It isn’t that big of a deal. A few friends and I thought about forming a band one day because we were bored. After that, we performed in front of our classmates during school events, and they all loved it.”

“What was the name of your band?” Hyukjae asked eagerly. “What was the first song you guys sang? That’s really cool!”

Hyukjae’s enthusiasm was contagious.

In the end, Jongwoon found himself telling Hyukjae about his high school life, about the band, how he overcame his shyness by suggesting that he would become the main vocalist, the first set of songs that the band performed, and also how his old band members were doing right now.

“Wouldn’t it be great if you could perform onstage again?” Hyukjae asked with a smile. “It doesn’t have to be fancy or anything. I think it would feel different if I ever watch you from the audience someday.”

“It’s not impossible. Maybe if we have a high school reunion, then,” Jongwoon said, smiling warmly. “I’ll bring you with me, and then you can watch me sing with my old band.”

Hyukjae’s eyes lit up instantly. “I’d like that!”

Jongwoon reached out and held Hyukjae’s hand in his. “If I ever sing on stage again, I want you to look me in the eyes. I’ll stare at you while I perform, and then you’ll know that the song I’m singing is for you.”

Hyukjae laughed, his face turning a little red. “Damn. My heart fluttered just now when I imagined it.”

“So you like this kind of thing?” Jongwoon teased.

Hyukjae instantly panicked. “No I don’t!”

“Yes, you do! Look at your face~” Jongwoon teased, which only made Hyukjae turn redder.

“Okay, fine! I do like it,” Hyukjae finally admitted. “I always thought that it would be romantic. That kind of scene, I mean.”

Jongwoon smiled.

“Let’s do that one day, then. I’d be happy to sing onstage again as long as you’re there to listen.”

---

“I love you...” he sings, meeting eyes with Hyukjae.

“Are you listening to me now?”

When the words escape his lips, their meaning dawns over him, and his mind lights up with startling clarity.

From this distance, Hyukjae looks the same as he was earlier when they had that argument: tired and haggard. His eyes are swollen, and his cheeks are slightly puffed.

It looks like he had indeed been crying earlier.

The realization stuns Jongwoon.

Inside of him, the web of guilt is being woven tighter and tighter. It encases his heart, chokes his throat, and squeezes him on the inside. The sight of Hyukjae here sets Jongwoon’s heart pounding like never before, and no matter how much he tries to blink the vision away, Hyukjae’s face never disappears.

He’s there. He’s still there.

He’s not a figment of Jongwoon’s imagination.

Jongwoon keeps singing, already knowing the lyrics and melody by heart as he had practiced this over a hundred times before, but his mind and heart are distracted. He doesn’t know and can’t bring himself to care if he has accidentally missed a beat or forgotten a part of the lyrics.

Right now, all he can see is Hyukjae.

---

“What’s your dream?”

Hyukjae asked this question one day out of the blue while they were lounging on Jongwoon’s couch. The drapes in the room were slid to the sides, allowing the sunlight to come through, illuminating the surroundings with a warm, lively glow.

“...My dream?” Jongwoon said blankly, sounding as though he had never really thought about it before.

Hyukjae looked at him quizzically. “What’s wrong?” he asked in a soft voice, noticing the hesitance in his lover’s tone.

Jongwoon swallowed to soothe his suddenly-dry throat. “Would you believe me if… I say that I don’t have one?” He chuckled mirthlessly. “I mean, all my other friends seem to know what they want. They work so hard for their dreams, but I’m… I don’t know. I’m just going along with the motions of life. If that makes any sense.”

Hyukjae gazed at him without a word, a thoughtful expression coming over his face. “Then... what do you like?” he asked gently. “There must be something that you love doing. Or something that you’d like to do in the future.”

Jongwoon smiled. “Let me think about it for a moment. What about you?”

“Me?” Hyukjae’s eyes lit up. “I like to dance. When I was a kid, I used to say to my parents that I’d become a dancer.”

“What about now?”

“It’s just a fun hobby of mine now.”

“You don’t want to become a dancer anymore?”

“Rather than a dancer, maybe a dance instructor would be nice,” Hyukjae said wistfully. “But I’m at a stable point in my job right now, so it feels like a waste to quit. It’s not like I’m unhappy with my job since I do enjoy it sometimes. I do think about dancing from time to time, but now my dream is just to enjoy life and settle down someday. I don’t think I really need anything fancy.”

My dream... Jongwoon thought about it for a moment. I never really pondered on it before.

What do I really want in life?

“...I don’t know,” Jongwoon said. “I’m not sure what I want. My parents planned out my life for me. I got into their recommended college, I took the major that they wanted me to study, I got a job at the company that they recommended... But now I feel lost.”

Hyukjae reached out and grasped his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “Don’t worry about it, okay? You still have time to search for it.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. You can get out more, try new things, different activities, go on adventures... It’s not too late.” Hyukjae smiled. “Does something feel empty in your life?”

Jongwoon was silent for a moment. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “Maybe.”

They switched to a different topic after that, but Hyukjae’s words lingered in his mind for a long time.

---

When he was still in school, he dreamed of financial security, first and foremost. His family was struggling, so he wanted to make things easier for them. He wanted to give them everything that they needed and wanted.

His parents wanted him to have a bright and stable future, too.

So they wanted him to dream big. To achieve great things. They pressured him to study and practice self-discipline.

As someone who was eager to please, Jongwoon followed their wishes.

He graduated with good grades and got into a reputable company. He worked hard and rose up from his position, even getting praised and acknowledged by his superiors.

However, it didn’t seem to end, even until now. He always feels like he needs to prove himself, to work even harder than before.

His superiors are always expecting something from him. His co-workers seem to distance themselves from him recently. His team is the only one who talks to him every now and then, but they’re not that close.

His career feels like he’s moving a big rock up the mountains by himself, trying to get as high as he can. He can’t afford to fail. He has gone this far. He has to do better. He has to work harder.

Sometimes he wonders if this has all been worth it.

But his efforts were, of course, rewarded, and he managed to give his parents a good life. Right now, he lives by himself and doesn’t have to worry about not having enough to pay for food and rent. He saves up every month and is often frugal, but he doesn’t know exactly what he’s saving up for. Something big, maybe? But what?

What kind of future does he want for himself now?

Is he planning on getting married, having a family, and settling down soon? He’s not sure. Is he ready for that?

Is he planning to travel someday? But where does he want to go? Is there a specific destination that he has in mind? Is he going alone?

He has never really thought about it before. Maybe because he’s always been working too hard that he has forgotten how to live.

“Take a breather every once in a while,” Hyukjae had told him once. “It’s not healthy to focus on work all the time.”

Hyukjae had always been the one who reminded Jongwoon to take a step back, to enjoy life sometimes, too. But Jongwoon thought that he couldn’t afford to slack off just yet. At least until he gets that big promotion he’s been aiming for this year.

However, he only realized too late what he had until he lost it.

How could he have forgotten? Hyukjae had always been there for him. Hyukjae was the one who always made an effort to call him, message him every day, and make time for him despite his also busy schedule.

Jongwoon took him for granted, and now he’s reaping the consequences of his actions.

He chose his career as a priority over Hyukjae and also chose to work things out by himself instead of sharing the burden with Hyukjae, his own partner and lover whom he promised to tell whenever life was roughing him up.

This is what Hyukjae has been trying to tell him for the past year. To talk to him, to communicate with him, and to share his heart with him. Not to dismiss the issues so casually and not even make an effort to adjust.

But it’s not that easy.

They had been in a long-distance relationship for two years. The first year was bearable, maybe because they were freshly in love and so attached that they willingly made time just to be there for each other. Why had things been so easy at that time?

Why did things change between them?

Jongwoon was the one who started fading away, while Hyukjae was the one who was dedicated to making the relationship work. Hyukjae was always consistent while Jongwoon just gave up gradually. All Jongwoon did whenever Hyukjae asked to talk was complain that he was too busy or tired, effectively shutting off the attempt at communication.

No wonder Hyukjae felt so lonely.

Jongwoon doesn’t blame him one bit.

Now, Jongwoon wonders what things would be like now if he had just chosen to reach out to Hyukjae. If he had decided to trust Hyukjae with his own heart.

Happiness had already been in his grasp, was already available to him every second of the day, and yet he didn’t realize it and let it slip through his fingers like water.

Now, as Jongwoon stares at Hyukjae’s vacant, mindless stare, gazing at him as though he were a stranger, he feels a sharp pang in his chest.

They say you only realize the full extent of a person’s importance in your heart only when they’re gone from your life.

But you haven’t left yet, have you? Jongwoon asks silently, feeling an unbidden hope rise in his chest.

Because you’re still here.

“I will wait for you forever,” Jongwoon sings, eyes never leaving Hyukjae’s. “Even if you forget me...”

---

“Is this the last time we get to meet?”

The two of them stood across from each other, the streetlamps the only source of illumination in an otherwise dark, starless night. Jongwoon’s heart broke as he watched Hyukjae bravely fighting not to cry, his fists clenching and unclenching at the sides. He was restraining himself from letting too much of his feelings show, and it was making everything inside of him burn in agony.

How funny is it that when you fall in love, the things you once thought were no big deal are now entirely different altogether once you experience it yourself?

This man before him was not his family, was not someone who had been with him since his younger years, but during these past eight months of dating, it felt like Hyukjae had been with him all his life.

And it hurt to let go even just for this moment.

“I know, it’s because we’re both too busy now to meet,” Hyukjae said quietly. “You’re trying to get that promotion while I’m busy with both work and my grandma.”

Jongwoon stepped forward, arms already reaching out towards his lover. Hyukjae lifted his head and rushed to meet him, encasing the other in a tight, desperate embrace.

“Just... p—promise to call me every day,” Hyukjae said, trying not to choke up. “That’s all I ask.”

Jongwoon nodded shakily. “I won’t ever forget,” he promised.

“If you forget, I’ll break up with you,” Hyukjae joked to lighten up the atmosphere.

Jongwoon tightened his grip on the younger man even more as though he had no plans of ever letting go. “I won’t let you do that.

“You’re going to be stuck with me for a lifetime.”

---

He had been selfish. He broke a lot of promises and led Hyukjae around with a string of hope, and in the end, he, the person Hyukjae trusted the most, was the one who crushed him and made all those memories they had together seem like a lie.

You’ve always been too kind, Jongwoon thinks as he watches Hyukjae lower his head momentarily, clenching and unclenching his fists at the sides. It instantly gives Jongwoon a distinct feeling of déjà vu, back to that night when they last saw each other before stopping their usual monthly visits.

You should be staying mad at me, and rightfully so.

Yet here you are... 

Jongwoon can feel his eyes growing moist.

People occasionally bump into Hyukjae as they talk to each other and move around, but Hyukjae doesn’t even seem to realize that they’re there. He looks so small at that moment, so sad and so vulnerable, that it almost makes Jongwoon want to stop the performance and run over to him, promising to never let him go again.

I don’t deserve you.

“...Because of love, because I love you so,” Jongwoon almost cries, and the slightly choked sound only brings a heavy gravity to the song. “Your tears, your loneliness. I’ll take them all with me...”

Hyukjae seems to notice his internal distress because the younger man’s eyes have now grown wide, and under the flickering lights, he seems to be fighting not to cry.

“Don't cry,” Jongwoon sings desperately. “Please don’t cry anymore...”

Hyukjae’s hand goes up to his face and hastily wipes the fallen tears away, now refusing to look at Jongwoon.

“Even if the world brings you sorrow...”

Jongwoon sings a little louder to try to catch Hyukjae’s attention.

It doesn’t work.

---

“Do you think we’ll break up someday?”

Hyukjae frowned through the phone screen, looking unamused. “What kind of question is that?” he complained. “Are you already tired of me?”

“Of course not,” Jongwoon said automatically. “I was just wondering...”

“How about you stop wondering about things like that and just focus on us right here, right now?” There was an edge to Hyukjae’s voice as he continued on, “Worrying about it will get you nowhere.”

Jongwoon blinked. “Is something wrong, love?” he asked softly. “I was just asking a simple question...”

“A simple question? You think so?” Hyukjae chuckled mirthlessly. “I guess for you, it’s just that simple...”

“...I’m afraid I don’t follow you...”

“That’s expected, I guess,” Hyukjae said. “Hyung, you’ve been so busy over there with your job and your precious games that you forgot to message me again last night. And now you ask this sort of question to me while I occupy your rare and precious time today?”

Hyukjae’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, making Jongwoon flinch.

“Hon, don’t be like this,” Jongwoon tried to coax. “We haven’t video-called each other in so long. Must we fight over this again? Come on, don’t be mad anymore, okay?”

Hyukjae rolled his eyes. “Never mind. You never understand.”

Jongwoon was about to say something when Hyukjae spoke again.

“To make you stop wondering, how about we break up today?” he said casually as though he were simply talking about the weather.

Jongwoon stared at him, stunned. “Not this again, Hyukjae,” he breathed out, exasperated.

“Are you annoyed? Good, then be even more annoyed,” Hyukjae snarled. “Be annoyed enough and let me go if you don’t want me to be the one to break up with you. I’m tired already, hyung. I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend. Instead, I feel like I have a friend who I pester every single day, a friend who gives me constant excuses like being too busy with work to talk to me for at least ten minutes. Don’t you get it?”

Hyukjae rubbed his face with his hand in frustration, looking like he was trying to calm himself down.

Jongwoon’s eyes narrowed slightly. “I thought you said you’d understand—”

“The thing is, hyung,” Hyukjae said as calmly as he could, “I would be understanding if this only happened for a month. Maybe even two. Heck, I think I could even forgive three months, tops. But half a year, hyung? Seriously?”

“Hyukjae...”

“Guess what we did last Christmas and New Year? Yeah, that’s right. We only communicated through video calls. I tried to go visit you there, but you said you were too busy even during the holidays and that I would only be wasting my time and money. When I tried to call you during one of my lowest moments, I couldn’t reach you. So I messaged you. But guess what? You replied hours later, like you always do.”

Hyukjae’s voice began to crack. “You think that I didn’t feel spiteful at that moment? Still, I tried to be patient and understanding, like you always told me I should. Whenever I tried to reach out to you or bring up our issues, you complained that you were too tired for it. I endured everything until now because I love you so much, but I feel like I’m the only unhappy one between us. You seem like you’re doing just fine working things out by yourself. Is this how a relationship is supposed to be?”

“Look, I told you, hon… I really was tired,” Jongwoon protested. “I worked late at the company for weeks and didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone, not even my own family. I told you, things will get easier soon. You just have to wait.”

“Wait for what? Another six months? Or another year?” Hyukjae grumbled. “If you don’t have the time to be with me, then maybe we don’t need to be in a relationship at all. We’re partners, aren’t we? Shouldn’t you also make time in your schedule for me and prioritize me, too? Why does it feel like I’m the only one making an effort here?”

“Of course not,” Jongwoon said, sounding aghast. “That’s not how it is, Hyukjae-ya. You’re looking at this all wrong. Just calm down, okay? Don’t be mad.”

“Why are you telling me to calm down? I’m calm, hyung,” Hyukjae snapped. “I’m just pointing things out. Is that a crime now?”

“No! God, this is stupid.”

“Stupid?” Hyukjae repeated incredulously. “What are you trying to say?”

“That’s not—look, I’m sorry,” Jongwoon said softly. “It’s not that you’re stupid. It’s this… this same issue every time. It’s not like talking about it will change anything. I love you. I’m doing this for you and for myself. Why can’t you see that? This period will soon pass.”

“That’s not what this issue is about, hyung,” Hyukjae said, irritated. “My issue is with you not communicating with me when it’s needed. I understand your situation, but what about mine? What about my feelings? Why is it that you always think you’re the only one who’s having a hard time?”

“That’s—”

“If you can’t make room for me, then you can’t maintain a relationship at all. Why are you refusing to break up with me when you know that I’m already having a hard time? I feel so, so lonely. Every day, I miss you so ing much.” Hyukjae’s voice broke in the middle of his rant. “My friends feel like I’m wasting my life away because I keep stressing over our relationship. Do you only want me to be there for you whenever you need me, but not whenever I need you? Didn’t we agree back then that if we were going to do this long-distance thing, then we need to constantly communicate with each other? Have your feelings for me faded already?”

Jongwoon’s head was spinning. He was about to get a migraine. He was already so stressed from work and now his boyfriend was giving him a hard time.

He really didn’t want to be having this discussion right now. He thought that they were only going to be on video call for thirty minutes. He needed to go to bed soon and wake up early tomorrow.

He just had to bring up the topic of breakup. Damn it.

“Okay, okay. Let’s stop this now. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow night, okay? You need to calm down first.” Jongwoon tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “After you calm down, let’s talk again. A different topic this time.”

Hyukjae stared at him in shock. Then, he scoffed and leaned back against the headboard, his expression dark. “Unbelievable...” he muttered. “You’re planning on dismissing it. You’re avoiding the topic again. Just say you don’t want me anymore!” he snapped. “What are you waiting for?!”

Jongwoon sighed heavily, trying to restrain his emotions. “Hyukjae—”

“Fine! I won’t fight with you anymore, Mr. Pacifist,” Hyukjae said mockingly, irritating Jongwoon’s nerves even further. “Oh, and for the record? I do think we’ll break up someday.”

Hyukjae’s lips curved into a wry smile, but his eyes were filled with sadness.

“That is, if you keep neglecting me like you’re always doing. I won’t always be by your side, hyung. I hope you remember that.”

---

“...I love you,” Jongwoon sings soulfully, closing his eyes and finishing the song.

“Are you listening to me now...?”

When the instrumental fades and Jongwoon opens his eyes, he sees Hyukjae finally looking up at him.

However, Hyukjae doesn’t smile, not even the slightest bit. He doesn’t even clap along with the crowd. He looks singled out in that aspect, combined with the bottomless sorrow pooling in his eyes.

Hyukjae bites his lip as though restraining himself from crying, and finally turns his back to leave.

Alarm rises in Jongwoon’s chest and goes up to his throat in an instant. “H... Hyukjae! Wait!” he can’t help calling out.

At that moment, he forgets that his mouth is near the microphone.

The sound of Hyukjae’s name blares out from the speakers, startling everyone in the vicinity. Hyukjae himself froze in place, shoulders visibly stiffening.

Some people are already either too engrossed in their own world or too drunk to notice, but a majority of the crowd goes silent, bodies stopping in place to regard the source of confusion. Even Jongwoon’s classmates are staring at him in shock and whispering to each other in puzzlement.

Jongwoon becomes still. Every single fiber of his body is tingling and burning up with hope, desperation, and anticipation. He’s so anxious that he feels like he’s consisted of strings that are woven so tight, he can break if just the slightest bit.

His bandmates are asking him what’s wrong, but Jongwoon doesn’t even look their way and just keeps staring at Hyukjae’s back, his breathing heavy and coming out in slight pants which can be heard from the microphone.

After what seems to be an eternity when it’s only a few seconds in reality, Hyukjae finally moves.

Slowly, he turns his head and takes one last look at Jongwoon. His gaze is dim and filled with sadness and restraint. The sight of it makes Jongwoon’s throat close up, eyes burning with unshed tears as he realizes just how much he has hurt and ignored Hyukjae all this time.

Then, Hyukjae turns and stumbles out of the crowd, heading for the exit.

He’s walking away, Jongwoon realizes, feeling a sudden sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.

At that moment, Jongwoon suddenly knows.

He knows that if Hyukjae leaves this time, he will never be coming back.

The mere thought of it cuts his heart deeper than a knife.

---

“I’m curious. What do you actually like about me?” Hyukjae asked him one day during a video call. Both of them were in a good mood at that time, so neither was looking for a fight or planning to start an argument.

Jongwoon could tell that Hyukjae was trying his best to be as patient and understanding as he could. He appreciated that, honestly; Hyukjae was normally private and reserved despite his friendly exterior while Jongwoon was the one who constantly searched for ways to curb his loneliness. This long-distance relationship was straining both of them, and somehow along the way, they began to switch roles.

Hyukjae grew clingy and lonely all the time while Jongwoon focused more on work and temporary pleasures like mobile games and internet surfing rather than using that leisure time for chatting with his boyfriend.

Due to this, the normally good-tempered Hyukjae became a little high-strung, and Jongwoon, in turn, clammed up even more, refusing to engage in any sort of conflict.

He was the reason why Hyukjae was always unhappy. Jongwoon blamed himself for it, but for some reason, he could not bring himself to change.

Maybe it was because he often entertained the thought that Hyukjae could never possibly leave him, which was quite a huge arrogance on his part.

“You’re bright and friendly,” Jongwoon answered, setting up his phone so it would lie down beside him on the bed, making him face his boyfriend sideways through the screen. “You’re kind and one of the sweetest people I know.”

Hyukjae looked like he was blushing, but Jongwoon couldn’t tell clearly through the video. “There you go again with the compliments,” Hyukjae muttered, even though he was the one who asked the question in the first place.

Jongwoon smiled in amusement. “I wasn’t finished yet, dummy... You’re also really patient and understanding with me despite everything...” His voice changed to a whisper, but loud enough for Hyukjae to hear. “I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend these past few months. I’m always busy, but you still try your best to reach out. Even though you’re always mad and frustrated with me, you never fail to message me every day and give me encouragement. That’s what I find so endearing about you, sweetheart,” he said fondly. “I’m sorry that I haven’t made you feel appreciated for a while. It’s my fault. But I hope you know that I really love you for being such a treasure in my life.”

Hyukjae suddenly covered the camera, obstructing Jongwoon’s vision of his face. The latter blinked rapidly in surprise, completely caught off-guard.

“Hyukjae?! What’s wrong?” Jongwoon asked worriedly.

“Shut it! I need time to calm down,” Hyukjae responded quickly, and there was a squeak to his voice that Jongwoon found adorable.

“Are you blushing, little cutie?” Jongwoon said, his lips stretching into a big smile at the realization. “We’ve been dating for almost two years now. You’re still shy around me?”

Hyukjae retracted his hand, causing his face to come into view again. His cheeks seemed redder than usual. “That’s not it! It’s just...” He pouted. “We haven’t seen each other in person for a long while now! I’m still sensitive...”

Jongwoon laughed and almost reached out his hand before he suddenly realized that Hyukjae was not actually in front of him. Before his eyes, there was only his cell phone, and he could not touch Hyukjae himself through the screen.

His hand was suspended in the air, so he quickly retracted it back to his side, lowering his gaze in guilt and loneliness. Of course, he was happy to be able to talk to his lover freely like this, but speaking to Hyukjae in person and touching him, skin against skin, was an entirely different experience compared to virtual communication.

Jongwoon bit his lip and tried not to look too down. He met Hyukjae’s gaze and forced a smile on his face.

“Anyway, I know a few of your faults by now,” Jongwoon continued on. “Like the fact that you can’t cook, the fact that you nag and fuss often, the fact that you’re too strict when it comes to planning—”

“Hey!” Hyukjae complained.

“—and also the fact that you don’t like to share too much about your feelings, even with me, to the point that I have to resort to my nonexistent mind-reading powers—”

Hyukjae scoffed. “Like you’re one to talk...”

“Seriously, you always expect me to instantly know what you’re upset about, and when I ask you more questions, you get even more upset,” Jongwoon pointed out. “I’m not a mind-reader, love. I don’t... well, I don’t know everything that happens over there with you. I can’t make you feel better if you keep avoiding the topic but get all sulky when I don’t prod you about it.”

Hyukjae sighed heavily. “That’s because, hyung,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, “you always don’t have time for me. Of course you don’t know everything that happens over here. So I can’t help but get upset.”

Hyukjae’s gaze lowered and his hand unconsciously came up to cover his mouth as though he were thinking deeply about something.

“I’m stressed. I’m always stressed,” he said quietly. “I keep watching over grandma’s condition even though she’s doing much better these days. Things at work have been stressful recently, too. My boss gives me an earful sometimes while my co-workers don’t really hang out with me because I go straight home after work hours and don’t come along with them to eat and drink.”

His tone dropped, becoming raspy and emotional. “Literally... you’re the only thing in life that I look forward to every day... Even just a single video call or a text can make me happy, because it’s from you.” Hyukjae blinked rapidly as though he were trying not to cry. “...So I’m sorry if I keep blowing up on you. I know you’re busy. I didn’t really mean it. I’m just lonely… My friends are all busy with their own lives. Most of them are either married or have children, while I’m here without no one else to talk to. I’m sorry if I keep bothering you all the time...”

“Hon, why are you apologizing?” Jongwoon felt so helpless that he couldn’t comfort his lover himself. “You have nothing to apologize to me for... I’m sorry, I’m the one who’s wrong...”

Hyukjae chuckled, though it sounded hollow. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring the mood down. I don’t want to argue or anything today. It just came out.”

“That’s fine. It’s all right.” Jongwoon took a deep breath, a maelstrom of conflicting emotions swirling in his head. “You bared your feelings to me today. I’m happy that you still rely on me enough to tell me...”

“Of course I do.” Hyukjae gave him a soft smile through the screen. “Because I love you.”

Jongwoon bit his lip, emotions sweeping through him like a tide.

“...Can I ask you something?” he finally said.

Hyukjae sounded puzzled at the change of note in Jongwoon’s voice. “Yeah?”

“. . .” Jongwoon looked like he was struggling in his thoughts. “...If, someday, you decide to let me go...”

“Hyung,” Hyukjae immediately interrupts, eyes wide in shock.

But Jongwoon cut him off quickly. “If you decide to let me go someday,” he said, a little firmly this time, “...promise me, you’ll find someone who makes you happier.”

“Hyung!” Hyukjae protested.

“Hyukjae, I’m serious. I’m not saying this because I’m breaking up with you,” Jongwoon said quietly. “I’m saying this because I care about you. Because I love you too, and if I could, I would never let you go.

“But if you ever become so unhappy that you can’t stand it...” Jongwoon closed his eyes, unable to meet his lover’s concerned gaze. “If I can’t make you happy anymore, then...

“...I don’t want you to worry about anything. You can let me go... and I will, too.”

---

People are born to be hypocrites from time to time. It’s either intentional or unintentional.

Jongwoon had promised himself many times back then that he wouldn’t make Hyukjae unhappy anymore, that he would make an effort to return the younger’s calls and messages.

Yet, every time he woke up the next day, he would feel out of sorts once again, and his brain would become muddled with various kinds of things. He would again slip into his usual routine and become complacent with the fact that he had someone to talk to whenever he needed them.

During the deep, silent nights when he would slip into contemplation, he’d swear over and over again that he would make a difference this time, that he would stop becoming such a jerk.

But when it actually came to applying that promise in reality, he couldn’t do it. He would just take Hyukjae for granted again and use him whenever he himself felt lonely.

He felt like a pathetic coward for it.

He can still remember that time when he told Hyukjae he would let him go. Back then, he refused to break up when Hyukjae brought it up many times, but he wasn’t blind. Jongwoon could see how much this relationship was affecting Hyukjae, so he decided to stop being selfish.

He did say that he would let Hyukjae go, but...

Would he be too selfish if he asks for one last chance now that it might possibly be too late?

In that instant, Jongwoon remembers Hyukjae’s words to him back then.

“You’re the only thing in life that I look forward to every day... Even just a single video call or a text can make me happy, because it’s from you.”

Jongwoon feels a sudden sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.

How could he have missed such an important detail?

He hadn’t focused too much on that part back then because he was too concerned about Hyukjae who was fighting not to cry at that time. But now…

Hyukjae was right. Even just a single call or text each day could’ve been enough. Why didn’t he ever realize that? Why did it feel like so much work at that time?

Why has he been such a fool?

In that instant, Jongwoon finally makes his decision.

Without regard for what happens afterwards, he takes off from the small stage, jumping towards the audience below. A few women shriek in surprise and back away instantly from where Jongwoon lands nearby, watching with wide eyes as he chases after the departing person as if his life depends on it.

“Jongwoon-ah!”

“Where are you going?”

“What in the world?!”

Jongwoon hears his former classmates call after him in confusion, but he pays them no mind.

He can always just explain to them later. Right now, if he doesn’t take this chance, he might very well say goodbye to fixing the mess that he created.

Jongwoon runs. He bumps into several people on the way, muttering a quick apology whenever he does so. The bar isn’t that big, but it’s still a little crowded, so it’s hard to get through easily.

But his eyes are only focused on Hyukjae’s retreating back which is now exiting through the doors at a distance.

Jongwoon tries to speed up his movements, but finds himself getting blocked by a group of laughing people who are seemingly on their way towards the bar area. They shout in surprise when Jongwoon almost runs into them smack dab on the chest, but Jongwoon, fortunately, stops just before they can collide.

Muttering a slew of apologies from his mouth, Jongwoon bows to them quickly before sidestepping the group and making his way towards the exit as fast as he can.

When he’s finally outside, Jongwoon heaves a breath, heart sinking to his stomach when he doesn’t see Hyukjae anywhere. There are only a few people left in the streets since it’s already an hour before midnight, so all Jongwoon can see is the darkness of the night and the lampposts providing illumination from the dim ambiance.

“Hyukjae...?” Jongwoon says, gulping a huge breath of air. “Hyukjae? Hyukjae-ya, are you still here?!”

When he receives no response, he starts to scour the streets like a desperate man, walking past the south road and then going back to the north side. Hyukjae can’t have gone that far, right?

Jongwoon sighs heavily. He’s currently searching for someone that he doesn’t know if they’re even still here. What if Hyukjae ran towards the bus stop? It’s not that far from here, just a few blocks past the empty park.

Jongwoon goes back to the south road and runs. He passes by a guy looking at him strangely while smoking a cigarette, and he even passes a couple making out discreetly in a nearby alley.

But no sign of Hyukjae.

Jongwoon is about to give up on everything when a voice suddenly speaks to him from behind.

“...Are you looking for me?”

Jongwoon instantly turns around and sees Hyukjae’s form, standing just across him with no expression on his face. At that moment, a hundred things pop inside Jongwoon’s head, a myriad of words he can and should say.

But Hyukjae is looking at him with a stare that’s devoid of emotion, a gaze that further increases Jongwoon’s internal guilt and heartache. How many times has he hurt this man? How many times has he disappointed this man, who only wanted to love and be loved?

A dozen excuses spring to his lips, but they die there in his tongue when Hyukjae looks away, and Jongwoon is at a loss on what to say once more.

“Well?” Hyukjae finally asks, looking like he’d rather be anywhere than here.

Jongwoon swallows, yet his throat still feels completely dry. “Why did you come to see me earlier at the bar?” he manages to speak. “I... I thought we’re already...”

He can’t bring himself to finish his sentence.

Hyukjae smiles wryly, his gaze dimming even further. In that instant, Jongwoon feels that the younger is slipping away and he panics on the inside.

“Can’t wait to get rid of me?” Hyukjae says.

“Hyukjae—” Jongwoon starts, a protest already springing to his lips. “You know that’s not true.”

“Oh really?” Hyukjae sends him a hard stare that feels like needles piercing Jongwoon’s skin. “I’m sorry if I refuse to believe your words now, hyung, because frankly, you never gave me a reason to trust whatever you say from your mouth.”

Jongwoon blinks, feeling the tears just automatically welling in his eyes. He restrains them from falling and clenches his jaw instead, gritting his teeth so tightly that it feels like he’s bleeding somewhere inside.

“...I’m sorry,” he manages to choke out.

“Funny, I’ve heard that line a thousand times before,” Hyukjae says sardonically.

“I’m sorry,” Jongwoon repeats.

The contemptuous smile slips from Hyukjae’s face and he frowns, looking displeased. “Fine, I get it. You’re sorry. Good for you, you’re cleaning your own conscience.” He expels a long-suffering breath. “You must be wondering why. Well, I came to see you because I didn’t bring enough money to stay someplace else since I thought I’d… be staying with you. I didn’t know where else to go, to be honest.” He shuts his eyes and grits out, “I’ll sleep on the couch and leave first thing tomorrow morning. You won’t see a hair on me from then on. Just let me stay over for one night.”

Jongwoon finally finds his voice somehow. “Of... Of course you can stay over. You know you don’t even need to ask permission.”

Hyukjae’s frown deepens. “Of course I should ask for permission,” he says quietly as he turns around, intent on leaving first. “There’s nothing between us now, after all.”

The initial burst of optimism in Jongwoon’s heart quickly fizzles, just like that. His heart lurches and he feels mild nausea creeping up his throat.

Is there really no hope for them now? Has Hyukjae already closed off his heart to him forever?

One more.

Just one more try.

“Hyukjae-ya.”

It’s only for a fleeting moment, but Jongwoon sees Hyukjae’s shoulders stiffen. He eventually pauses in his tracks, presumably to hear what Jongwoon has to say.

“Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon says softly, fingers trembling anxiously, “were you listening?”

Hyukjae swivels his head towards him, expression contorted into a mixture of confusion and annoyance. “...What?” he says edgily.

Jongwoon fumbles with his words. “Were... Were you listening?” he tries again, repeating his words, trying to emphasize their true meaning.

The confusion on Hyukjae’s face morphs into that of pure irritation. “Can you just get to the—” His voice cuts off all of a sudden, his brow furrowing as he stares at Jongwoon intently.

“. . .”

When Hyukjae doesn’t say anything, Jongwoon takes a step forward.

Hyukjae notices this and clenches his jaw immediately. “No,” he says stiffly.

“I wasn’t listening.”

---

* * *

---

The apartment is deathly silent when Hyukjae slowly takes off his shoes at the front door. He hasn’t said a single word the entire time they drove here. Jongwoon, on the other hand, doesn’t know what to do or what he should do.

All his life, he often avoided conflict like the plague. Now that he’s faced with it and he’s the only one who can make things right, he is paralyzed completely.

You can’t even do this for him? a voice inside of him mocks. For Hyukjae?

You can’t even say sorry properly?

...Wow. You’re despicable.

Jongwoon shakes his head vehemently as though trying to shut the voice out from his system.

He resists the urge to scream.

Meanwhile, Hyukjae goes straight towards the living room and starts to take out some things from his bag. When Jongwoon approaches, he sees a pair of pants and a white shirt in Hyukjae’s hands.

“. . .” Hyukjae sends a hard stare into empty space, refusing to meet eyes with Jongwoon. “...Can I use your bathroom?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jongwoon says softly.

Hyukjae stands up from his seat to walk towards the direction of Jongwoon’s bedroom. Since there’s only one bathroom in the apartment, he has no choice but to go there.

When Hyukjae goes inside the room, Jongwoon heaves a sigh, pressing fingers against his temple. He has really gotten into trouble now, and all because of his negligence. What can he do now to make it up to Hyukjae?

He doubts that the younger is going to give him a chance now; the latter seems to be set on moving forward, to a life where Jongwoon no longer exists. He doesn’t even want to look at Jongwoon.

And who on earth is he to try to take Hyukjae back? That would only be insolence on his part.

Jongwoon sits on the couch, his weight sinking into the material, feeling the gravity of the situation like a heavy load on his shoulders. Unbidden tears spring to his eyes, and he quickly lifts his hand to wipe them away. It’s not the time to wallow in self-pity. He’s the one who caused this mess in the first place.

If he’s already hurting this much, then what about Hyukjae?

Hyukjae is the one who should be in pain the most.

Silently, Jongwoon thinks back to when Hyukjae listened to his performance, just standing there like a lifeless doll, yet with eyes so hazy, so sad, and so expressive. There had been a multitude of emotions going through Hyukjae’s head at that moment, and it must not have been easy to ask to stay over the night, either.

Jongwoon smiles wryly, his thoughts leaving a dull ache in his chest.

As always, Hyukjae is the braver one out of the two of us.

Jongwoon wonders about it absently. What would his life be without Lee Hyukjae?

What would it be like without Hyukjae’s daily calls and messages? What would it be like without the anchor that keeps him from getting swept away by life?

He thinks about Hyukjae’s smiles. His laughter. His kindness. His cute blushing face.

He thinks about what it would feel like if Hyukjae falls in love with someone else.

Just the thought of it seems to burn a hole through his heart, and he suddenly forgets how to breathe. Panic grows inside of him, making him painfully aware that he no longer has any right to complain.

Jongwoon doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there, with his face buried in his hands, eyes closed yet burning with the urge to cry. He feels like things are slipping from his grasp little by little, with an urgency that threatens to leave him hanging by a thread.

For years, the constant things in his life have always been his family, his job, and his boyfriend.

But now one of them is gone.

Lee Hyukjae has left him now.

The routine has been broken, and the gravity of the situation starts to slip in.

He has grown far too used to Hyukjae messaging him every day, bothering him with chats and calls, that now when it’s clear there won’t be any more from now on, Jongwoon feels like a piece of his life has been broken in half.

And he can’t do anything except blame himself over and over again.

“...Can you move over?”

Jongwoon’s eyes flutter open and he raises his head in surprise, feeling a stray tear build up in the corner of his left eye. Hyukjae stares down at him with an expressionless face, hair dripping water on his shirt and his body smelling like Jongwoon’s favorite scented soap bar.

“Huh?”

Hyukjae gazes at him without emotion. “That’s where I’ll be sleeping,” he says flatly. “I would appreciate it if you move over and go to your own room.”

“O—Oh.” Jongwoon hastily stands up from his seat, feeling guilty and ashamed. “Sorry. I’ll... I mean...” He sighs heavily, shutting his eyes. “You don’t need to sleep here. You can take my bed. It’s more comfortable.”

“I would like to refuse your offer,” Hyukjae says without missing a beat. “A guest should not be rude enough to sleep on the house owner's bed.”

Jongwoon, flustered, tries to protest. “But...”

“I appreciate the gesture, but I’ll be fine here.”

Hyukjae's curt response said makes Jongwoon’s heart drop to his stomach. This is probably the first time he has ever witnessed and heard Hyukjae absolutely shutting him down.

It just makes everything all the more real to him now.

Jongwoon shut his eyes momentarily, feeling them burning on the inside, threatening to produce tears.

He simply needs to face the consequences.

It... has been a long time coming.

---

* * *

---

The clock on the bedside table reads 2:46 AM.

Jongwoon can’t sleep.

The lights are off, but the room isn’t completely dim. There are two lit night lamps at low illumination, one at his bedside and one at the far corner, giving a warm, orange ambiance to the room.

Funny, it never used to bother him before, but the empty atmosphere unnerves him to the point where it bothers him so much that he can’t get any rest.

He sits up on the bed. His eyelids feel heavy yet there is no urge to sleep. His chest feels like there’s a hole where his heart is supposed to be, and knowing that Hyukjae is sleeping in the living room alone while he’s here, too afraid to fix the situation at hand, makes him wish that he can just be brave for once.

Jongwoon coughs slightly and finds that his throat is dry and parched. Moving robotically, he slowly swings his legs towards the edge of the bed, intent on getting a glass of water from the kitchen as quietly as he can. Hyukjae isn’t a light sleeper, but Jongwoon doesn’t want to disturb him, especially after the latter came such a long way just to see him. Hyukjae must be exhausted from the day’s events, too.

The memory of it sends Jongwoon’s mind into tatters once more. How could he have been so callous earlier? He took out his inner frustrations on Hyukjae and made himself seem like he was aloof and insensitive to Hyukjae’s feelings. It wasn’t what he had intended at all, but he can’t do anything about it now. He already said what he said, and kept his silence when he should’ve fought for the relationship.

So this is why they always say, Jongwoon thinks to himself wryly, that regrets only come when it’s already too late.

Silently, he trudges his way into the kitchen, careful not to make a sound. From this distance, he can see the sofa that Hyukjae is sleeping on. The latter’s body is motionless and laying on its side. He’s clutching one of the sofa pillows, and the sight makes Jongwoon’s heart skip a beat.

Hyukjae always likes to hug something while he sleeps. Usually, Jongwoon would sleep beside him, but that’s not possible now.

Instead, Hyukjae is hugging the pillow to his chest, his eyes closed and his breathing steady. He looks peaceful for once, like a sleeping baby.

Jongwoon restrains the urge to go over and his cheek. Hyukjae would probably dislike him even more if he did that.

Although it pains him, he forces himself to go get his glass of water instead of just watching his former lover pitifully from afar.

His steps grow heavy as he nears the fridge and he sighs quietly, feeling as if his chest were filled with lead. A trickle of bitterness and hurt seeps in, and he resists the urge to wallow in his own self-pity. It’s not like he has anybody to blame but himself, anyway.

As he sits before the counter, his back facing the living room, Jongwoon continues to sip his glass of water, albeit slowly. Memories start to invade his mind, precious moments from the past that suddenly resurfaced.

Jongwoon chuckles to himself silently, humorlessly. It’s not like he and Hyukjae had bad memories most of the time ever since the start of their long-distance relationship. When Jongwoon got sick a few times, Hyukjae insisted on keeping the video call on at all times so he could check up on him and remind him when to eat and when to take his medicine. Jongwoon had protested a little at first because his phone might run out of battery, but Hyukjae scolded him and said that health always came first.

When Jongwoon was in a depressed mood and asked Hyukjae for company, Hyukjae always came to him in a flash, whether or not he was busy doing something else. Hyukjae once mentioned to him that he never kept his phone muted even when he was asleep so that he would always be notified whenever Jongwoon messaged him. That time, it touched Jongwoon so deeply, and he promised himself that he would treat Hyukjae better.

But, as expected, he forgot that promise soon after, and it was like a vicious cycle after that.

When Jongwoon tips the glass further against his lips, he realized that there’s no water left. He had been immersed in his thoughts again.

With a sigh, he stands up as quietly as he can and places the empty glass in the sink. He’ll have to wash it later since the sound of the faucet might wake Hyukjae up, and Jongwoon doesn’t want to disturb the younger man’s slumber as much as he can.

It’s the least he can do for him, after all.

As Jongwoon stands there, absently gripping the tiled counter, his troubled thoughts begin to shift. Although it pains him, the rational part of his brain tells him that this is for the best.

The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that, if he wants to take Hyukjae back, he should change for the better.

And he should not make empty promises anymore. This time, he should prove it through actions.

So, unless he finally proves that he has indeed changed, that he has realized the importance of Hyukjae in his life, and that he has realized the extent of his love for Hyukjae, Jongwoon has no right to complain or ask for one last chance.

He knows this. He knows it deep inside his heart.

But people don’t just change so easily overnight, and it’s much easier to think so rather than do it himself in reality.

For a long moment, Jongwoon starts to fear that he might not be able to do this, after all.

Do you think you have any other choice? a small voice in his head starts to mock.

Are you just going to rely on Hyukjae again?

Jongwoon shuts his eyes. But he doesn’t try to silence the voice this time.

It’s not like they’re wrong, anyway.

---

* * *

---

Jongwoon doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there, just muddled in his own thoughts and blaming himself over and over again. He can’t seem to get Hyukjae’s teary eyes out of his head, and every time he tries to shake it away, the awful feeling in his gut just gets worse by the second.

Perhaps he won’t be able to sleep tonight after all.

Maybe he should just make himself some hot tea and hope that it would help quell this upset feeling.

Jongwoon sighs quietly and stands up from his seat, feeling drained yet wide awake at the same time. It’s like he’s completely sleepy yet his body won’t allow him to rest. Perhaps it’s his own unconscious punishment for himself.

However, before he can make his way back to the kitchen area, he notices something strange in his peripheral vision. Turning around to see clearly, he notices a blanket on the floor that might have fallen when Hyukjae tossed and turned in his sleep.

A brief wave of tenderness sweeps through Jongwoon at that moment as he remembers the times when they were video calling and Hyukjae had fallen asleep. Whenever Hyukjae sleeps, his body unconsciously tries to find the most comfortable position in bed. He also likes to hug something to his chest, which he claims makes him feel cozy and secure.

Shaking his head fondly, Jongwoon walks over towards the couch and gently picks up the blanket, dusting it off with his hands. Then, he drapes it over Hyukjae’s body, making sure it covers his toes up to his neck. The nights have been cold lately, and the couch must not be that comfortable to sleep on.

He really wishes that Hyukjae would sleep in his bed instead.

After tucking him in, Jongwoon draws back and looks at Hyukjae’s sleeping face. He has the urge to reach out and the younger’s cheek, to feel his skin after so long of not seeing each other, but decides against it quickly. Not only is it inappropriate due to their current situation, but it’s also a punishment for Jongwoon because of the mess he created.

So, he simply takes a step back, sends one more glance at Hyukjae’s face, and walks back towards the direction of the kitchen, ignoring the throbbing pain in his chest.

“...Leaving again?”

The sound of Hyukjae’s quiet voice seemed to reverberate inside the otherwise quiet room, startling Jongwoon in his tracks. His entire body freezes, feeling his heart drop to his stomach in fright.

There’s a pregnant pause, something that unnerves Jongwoon because he can’t decide whether or not he should acknowledge Hyukjae by turning around or if he should just give his reply without moving an inch.

But time has passed too long, and Hyukjae speaks again, this time in a slightly impatient tone of voice.

“You’re not even gonna try to talk to me?” His voice is low and brusque, almost accusatory.

There’s an immediate pang in Jongwoon’s chest. “...I just don’t want to make you angry again,” he responds quietly.

Silence follows. Although Jongwoon’s back is facing the sofa, he can still feel Hyukjae’s gaze from behind, and his muscles start to tighten in discomfort.

“So...” Hyukjae’s voice resounds in the room again, but this time, the harsh undertone is gone. The change of note is a little unsettling. “You’re not going to fight for us, then?”

Jongwoon freezes.

“You’re really not going to make an effort to take me back?” Hyukjae continues on, and Jongwoon doesn’t know if the younger realizes it, but Hyukjae sounds like he’s already on the verge of tears.

Something inside Jongwoon tells him to turn around, so he does. Despite the dimness of the surroundings, the faint illumination coming from the kitchen allows him to see a part of Hyukjae’s face.

Hyukjae stares at him, eyes moist with unshed tears. The sight makes Jongwoon’s heart clench painfully in his chest, and he barely stops every fiber of his being from crouching before his now ex-lover and cradling him in his arms.

“I...” Jongwoon stammers out, but then quickly realizes that he doesn’t know what to say at all.

Feeling helpless, he tries to think of the right response to Hyukjae’s questions, tries to wonder how he can possibly express how much he still loves Hyukjae but is honestly willing to make it work this time, for real.

However, the words die in his throat before he can even speak them out. Perhaps it’s because of his hesitance and low self-esteem, knowing that every word he utters may just sound like an excuse.

He must’ve been quiet for too long, because Hyukjae seems to have taken his silence as confirmation.

A confirmation that Jongwoon does not love him anymore.

Hyukjae grips the blanket covering his body and lowers his head almost dejectedly. “...I must seem like a fool to you right now, huh?” he whispers, and although his voice is low, it’s still audible in the startlingly silent room. “I must seem like an idiot who’s still trying to give our relationship one more chance, an utter fool who’s on the verge of begging for you to take me back so we can start over again. My friends hate it whenever I’m like this, but I can’t help it. When I fall in love, I fall deeply. No matter how hard I try to value my pride, I can’t seem to do that when I’m in love. It’s not like I want to be like this, you know?”

Jongwoon takes a sharp intake of breath, eyes growing wide in shock. “Hyukjae, no, that’s not it. You’re—”

“Stop. I don’t need your pity,” Hyukjae grits out as he grips the blanket tightly, so strongly that his knuckles appear white even under the dim lighting. “Look, never mind. You can just forget that I said it. From now on, we really won’t have anything to do with each other anymore. This is the last time that I’m lowering my pride and becoming a fool in front of you again.”

Jongwoon feels something akin to alarm rise in his chest. He opens his mouth to refute, but he can’t seem to make a sound due to shock.

“I felt guilty that I ended things on a bad note, so I’ll just tell you this now in person while I have the chance,” Hyukjae says quietly, trying to keep his voice controlled. “I want to thank you for being with me these past two years.” 

“Hyukjae...”

“Thank you for always putting up with my needy self. Thank you for at least replying to my messages whenever you remembered me, because at least you did acknowledge sometimes that I exist,” Hyukjae says bitterly. “Also... thank you for helping me out with emergency funds when my grandmother got too sick that one time, and thank you for not ending the call while I was crying inside the ambulance, waiting for it to arrive at the hospital.”

Jongwoon feels a lump rise in his throat. That time had been so hard for Hyukjae. It hurt even just remembering it.

“Thank you for sending me those roses back on Valentine’s Day, too,” Hyukjae says. “Thank you for remembering my most favorite brand of chocolates, and thank you for your heartfelt letter. Even though you weren’t there beside me that day, I appreciated your efforts and felt your presence all the same.”

That time, Jongwoon couldn’t get away from work and visit Hyukjae’s city. Jongwoon didn’t want Hyukjae to feel alone, so he had those flowers and chocolates delivered as well as a love letter that he personally wrote. He usually doesn’t write letters, but he wanted to let Hyukjae know how much he loved him.

“And most of all... thank you, for at least not being the one who broke things off, for never once bringing up the topic of breaking up except for that time when it concerned my own happiness,” Hyukjae says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “I couldn’t understand what you said to me back then, to be honest. I might have been too naive at that time, misled by the pure idea of love, but now I understand why. Thank you, and...”

Jongwoon lowers his head and listens to Hyukjae, forcing himself to listen to every word that the latter is saying from the bottom of his heart.

“And... a—and...” Hyukjae’s voice breaks, and all that’s left is a tense silence. He takes another deep breath and tries again.

“And... thank you... for loving me.”

That last sentence shatters something inside Jongwoon.

In that instant, bits and pieces of their memories together flood inside his head, as though mocking him for letting go of one of the most precious things he had in his grasp that he just carelessly let go of without thinking.

As he watches Hyukjae wiping away the tears on his face, Jongwoon no longer knows what to do at this point. Even at this time, he’s still acting like a cowardly fool, and it makes him sick to his stomach.

But what can he do, really? This is probably the best thing for both of them now.

If he really loves Hyukjae, he should let him go. Just like he promised that day.

The silence lingers on after Hyukjae’s words, and it seems to be the end of that. Hyukjae shudders a little and then turns away from Jongwoon, covering himself fully with the blanket as if trying to hide his entire body from him.

Jongwoon watches him for a moment, hesitating, before finally coming to a decision.

With shaky legs, he walks to the sofa and kneels down, lowering his head as though planning to repent. With tears hanging in the corners of his eyes, he opens his mouth to say something in a trembling voice.

“...I’m sorry.”

Under the dim lighting, he can see Hyukjae’s body stiffen under the blanket, a clear sign that he’s still awake, that he’s listening.

Although he doesn’t seem to show any sign of facing him just yet, that’s fine with Jongwoon, because at least he can gather more courage this way.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats again in a choked voice, covering his mouth to keep another tremble from coming out. “I know you’re sick of me saying these words over and over again, but I’m saying them because I do feel sorry, because I...”

“Then stop saying them,” Hyukjae interrupts frostily, and it’s like a dagger has been run through Jongwoon’s heart. “I told you, I don’t need your pity.”

“Hon, I—” Jongwoon immediately cuts himself off as he realizes his mistake, and judging from Hyukjae’s shocked, awkward silence, he heard it, too.

“I mean, Hyukjae, I...” Jongwoon swallows the painful lump in his throat as he forces himself to continue. “I just want you to know how genuinely sorry I am. I hope that you’ll hear me out, just this once, until the end... just for tonight, before we part ways for good.”

Hyukjae’s body remains completely stiff, but he doesn’t say anything in response for a while, so Jongwoon takes that as his cue to start saying what he really feels.

“Before I met you... I was someone who lived a life that was all planned out,” Jongwoon begins softly. “Basically, all I needed was to study hard, graduate with good grades, get a stable job, and land a high-paying position. The moment I graduated, I went job-hunting and was lucky enough to get into a reputable company. I worked hard to get into a high position and managed to achieve a lot of things despite being young. At that time, I was far from getting the position that I wanted, so I planted my focus on that... until I eventually got sick from overwork.”

Jongwoon takes in a deep breath before continuing.

“The doctor advised me to take it easy, so I filed for a vacation leave and it got approved.” He smiles, almost wistfully. “That was the time when I went to that place. The Highland Resort, remember? The same place where I first met you.”

The silence seems deep at this point, and it’s so quiet that the only things Jongwoon can hear at the moment are the sounds of their breathing and the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his chest.

“Do you remember that day? The day when my photo keychain accidentally fell off the strap of my bag.”

The memory returns to him slowly, like a hazy photograph that soon fades into a scene, reminiscing a movie. He remembers Hyukjae tapping his shoulder that day, Hyukjae giving him back his keychain, Hyukjae smiling and asking if he’s also going on a solo trip.

He remembers bumping into Hyukjae the next day and then having breakfast together. This became a routine for a few days until they started to spend the rest of their trip with each other at all times.

“Meeting you that day was like a dream,” Jongwoon whispers. “Honestly, you were my escape from reality at that time, and I genuinely enjoyed every second that I spent with you. I wanted to be with you as much as I could, so after we exchanged numbers and social media accounts that day, I went to visit you in your city at least once a month. All just to see you, because the calls and messages weren’t enough.”

He smiles as he thinks back to that time. He had been crazy about Hyukjae during that period and longed to be with him as much as possible. He saved up a lot, worked hard, and easily made time to see Hyukjae.

“As cheesy as it sounds... my life felt dull and habitual before I met you,” Jongwoon says softly. “It’s not just because I cleared my head from the stress during that one-week trip. It’s because it allowed me to see that there’s actually more to life than just having ambitions towards a career. I never actually thought about my future that much aside from focusing on the present.”

Jongwoon smiles, his eyes glazing over in reminiscence. He has really forgotten how it felt like back then, to just enjoy life without worrying about whether or not a project or a task was perfect enough to send to the client.

“You already know this, but... I’m not good with people. For some reason, it’s hard for me to get close to someone and open up my heart. If it weren’t for your persistence... I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to follow my heart and ask you out.” Jongwoon chuckles a little at the memory. “You were really cute when you confessed that you liked me.”

“...You’re so annoying,” Hyukjae mumbles, finally speaking up. However, he doesn’t move an inch from his position.

Jongwoon smiles again, but sadly this time. At least, now that he knows Hyukjae is listening, it’s time for him to say what he has really wanted to say all this time.

“Hyuk... I messed up. I know,” he admits in a quiet voice. “This big promotion... it’s like the greatest opportunity for me to rise to a much higher position. I need to show how much I can contribute to the company, I need to demonstrate my leadership skills and maintain a strong work ethic... Plus, this big project would benefit our company a whole lot. So, I worked hard again. I started getting busy, just like the time before we met, but this time, it was the opportunity I had been waiting for a long time...”

Jongwoon pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts.

“To be honest, I didn’t expect that it would take so long. We were divided into teams, but the project this time is delicate, so we worked on every single detail. The first two weeks, I ignored you...”

“You did,” Hyukjae interjects. “You know what you told me beforehand? You said that you’d be working on an important project from now on, so you might not be able to reply to me often, even during the weekends. But I never expected that you’d really stop messaging me altogether. Did you never even consider my feelings? Or how worried I would be?”

Jongwoon falls silent at that.

He has two phones: one for work, and one for his personal life. Due to this important project, he didn’t touch his personal phone for about two weeks. He spent the weekends brainstorming and the weekdays applying what he and his team agreed on in the group chats and the in-person meetings.

He had been so busy that he forgot about Hyukjae.

After those two weeks, he suddenly remembered his personal phone. He forgot to turn off the WiFi, so the battery was dead. He had to charge it, and when it , there were hundreds of calls and texts.

He spent the next few days apologizing to Hyukjae after that and promised that he would send a message from time to time.

He didn’t leave his personal phone alone after that, but still, it was difficult to keep communicating with Hyukjae.

“I’m sorry...” Jongwoon can only say. However, Hyukjae just falls silent once more.

Jongwoon sighs quietly. “I felt guilty, so I tried my best to message you after that. I could tell, many times, that you wanted to talk to me more, but I couldn’t hold a conversation any longer than ten minutes. I can’t remember much, but I think about a month later, I didn’t need to work on the project longer like before...”

“I always waited for you to reply,” Hyukjae speaks up. “But you would only reply to me a few days later. Sometimes even a week.”

“I...”

“And your replies were always short,” Hyukjae says bitterly. “As if you didn’t feel like talking to me at all. Even though I know that you had at least an hour each day to talk to me.”

Jongwoon is silent.

The sad thing is that Hyukjae’s right, and Jongwoon knows it.

It wasn’t like he worked 24 hours a day. He had time to eat a quick breakfast, lunch, and even a quick dinner. He skipped dinner most of the time though, just falling onto his bed and drifting off to sleep without doing anything else.

But he did have some moments to take a breather each day, ranging from an hour to three hours at most.

And he didn’t use them to talk to Hyukjae.

Instead, he either played on his phone or watched movies while eating.

He even used excuses sometimes to Hyukjae, like saying that he was busy one day but in all honesty, he was not.

Just thinking about it makes Jongwoon feel knee-deep in guilt again.

“Tell me the truth,” Hyukjae suddenly says, and his words are laced with anger. “Did you think that I was annoying because I kept bothering you so much? Do you also think like that now? Maybe you think that it’s less stressful being single compared to being in a relationship, right? Maybe you’re actually happier with being alone than talking and spending time with me.”

“Hyukjae, no, that’s not—”

“I don’t want pretty words and empty consolations. I just want to know what you really feel,” Hyukjae says flatly. “I want to know if I’ve just been making a fool out of myself for these past few months.”

“Of course not!” Jongwoon says, probably a little too strongly than he intended. “That’s not it.”

“What is, then?” There’s an edge to Hyukjae’s tone. “If it’s not at all like I’m assuming, then what is it?”

Jongwoon swallows the nervous lump in his throat. “It’s just that...” His voice drifts off, and then he exhales a deep breath, deciding to let it all out.

“When you kept messaging me every day... I couldn’t handle it. I felt like you were expecting me to console you or talk to you more, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t do that for you,” Jongwoon confesses. “I was rarely in the mood to chat, I was always tired, and I couldn’t remember when I last slept for a full seven hours. So every time you grew disappointed in me, I hated myself even more, and through time, I... I began to grow tired of the relationship.”

Hyukjae’s body abruptly stops moving, as if he has suddenly forgotten how to breathe.

“I knew, and I understood deep inside that the relationship had grown one-sided, that I was only hurting you the more time passed,” Jongwoon admits quietly. “But I was selfish. I kept holding on to you and taking you for granted because you were always there whenever I needed someone to talk to, whenever I was in the mood to chat. But whenever you were the one who needed me, I felt pressured and just stayed away, pretending I was busy, knowing very well how much that would hurt you.”

Jongwoon feels tears burn his eyes, and he quickly wipes them away. “I was extremely selfish, and I realize that I can’t keep being like that any longer, so... so I...”

His voice fades away as he tries to explain further, feeling too choked up to continue his words.

Instead, he phrases his next sentence carefully.

“I... just want you to know that I’m not asking you for forgiveness, but that I’m respecting your decision, and that I’m saying goodbye. I want you to know that, even though I was terrible to you, I did love you, and I still do. That’s the truth that I will swear to for the rest of my life.” Jongwoon gives a melancholic smile. “I just want you to know that it’s not any of your fault that this happened. The mistake is all mine. You loved me, and I loved you, but I wasn’t able to show you just how much you mean to me, because I only realized the depth of my feelings too late.”

A beat of silence follows.

Hyukjae isn’t talking anymore, which makes Jongwoon feel nervous.

Is he angry? Furious?

Or sad and frustrated?

Jongwoon can’t tell, because he can’t see Hyukjae’s expression.

“I... I also want you to know that I’m not trying to appeal to you to take me back,” Jongwoon says quickly. “I’m telling you this because you deserve to know that you were loved, that I cherished you and never looked at anybody else during the time we were together. I want you to know that I still love you and that you’re the best thing that ever happened in my life. I’m just sorry that I’m incapable of making you feel loved and appreciated like you truly deserve.”

Jongwoon clenches and unclenches his fists. His palms are so cold and clammy that it’s as if he had the air-conditioning in the room.

The cold fear seeps through his skin and makes his body tremble, sending his heart pounding, but he swallows all of it away just for this last moment with Hyukjae.

“So... So please allow me to make you feel comfortable during our last night together,” he says quickly, trying to dispel the awkward tension in the air. “Please, don’t sleep here. I know you don’t like sleeping in couches.”

Jongwoon starts to scoop Hyukjae into his arms, ignoring the younger man’s light squeak, seemingly in protest. “You hate sleeping on the sofa because you can’t move freely. Take my bed, and I’ll sleep here instead. Please.”

Hyukjae squirms and raises his head in defiance. However, when his gaze meets Jongwoon’s sad ones, the retort that’s ready on his tongue suddenly freezes.

“. . .” Hyukjae looks away, refusing to meet the older man’s eyes.

Jongwoon takes his silence as a sign of consent and carries Hyukjae into his bedroom, carefully tucking the younger into the blankets. Hyukjae still doesn’t look at him, but there are tears b in his eyes, seeming like he’s about to cry. Jongwoon keeps quiet about it out of respect and pretends that he doesn’t see it before walking away.

As he’s about to close the door behind him, he pauses. “...Good night,” he says softly.

---

* * *

---

That night, Jongwoon dreams about falling down.

He’s free-falling from the sky, and it seems like everything is moving in slow motion. For some reason, he’s gripping a phone in his hand like a lifeline.

But then the fear quickly consumes him and he flails his arms, trying to shout for help. However, his mouth can only hang open in a silent scream, with no sound coming out of his throat. His fingers loosen around the phone, and it falls.

In horror, he tries to make a grab for it, but it falls down quicker than him, and eventually, it disappears from his sight, into that endless blue.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been falling. It feels like he’s been falling for an eternity now. It feels like he’s spiraling into the unknown.

It feels like he’s being punished.

His demanding work, his messy lifestyle, his lack of passion in life, and now his broken relationship. He can’t remember the last time he actually enjoyed life and smiled so freely. He can’t remember the last time he felt so relaxed and secure, what with every day being an endless loop of fatigue and stress.

He cries as he thinks of this. The tears fall down his face even as he falls, presumably to his death, probably towards the depths of the ocean. He watches as the sky above him eventually turns dark, and the clouds seem to be swirling together menacingly. It looks like the beginnings of a tornado, and it’s about to him in and swallow him whole.

His lips move to let out a scream.

---

* * *

---

“...ngwoon...! Jongwoon! Jongwoon-hyung! Wake up!”

The hard shake on his shoulders instantly jolts Jongwoon awake, his eyes wide in shock and his mouth gasping out quick, shallow breaths.

“Ah... haah... hah...” Jongwoon heaves out as he wipes away the cold sweat from his brow. He feels his body shivering and his heart pounding in his chest.

Hyukjae’s face is right in front of him, staring at him with an achingly worried expression, looking so concerned that Jongwoon feels a painful twist in his gut at the sight.

“What on earth were you dreaming about?” Hyukjae asks, breathless and wide-eyed. “You sounded like you were falling off a cliff! You scared me half to death!”

Jongwoon manages to calm himself down and waves a dismissive hand. “...I’m okay, I’m okay,” he assures. “Thank you. You can... you can go back to the room now.”

Hyukjae frowns. “What, you want me to leave that badly?”

Jongwoon looks at him, surprised. “What? No, I...” He hesitates for a moment. “You might... feel uncomfortable with me right now. Thank you, though. For... checking up on me and shaking me awake.”

Hyukjae’s gaze on him feels piercing. “...No problem,” he says quietly.

But he doesn’t move.

Jongwoon blinks at him in confusion. “Why are you still here?”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, but... a—aren’t you sleepy?”

“I can’t sleep.”

Jongwoon doesn’t know what to say. his suddenly dry lips, he averts his gaze, trying to look at anywhere but Hyukjae.

“You’re not even gonna look at me?” Hyukjae suddenly says.

Jongwoon shuts his eyes resignedly. “What is it that you want from me, Hyukjae?” His words almost sound like a plea. “I can’t even look at you right now. I feel like if I keep talking to you, I’m just going to keep disappointing you again. If you feel sorry for me after the words I said to you earlier—”

“Not really...” Hyukjae’s voice suddenly sounds meek. “Actually, I get it... which is why I think we need to take this chance to talk. And I mean talk properly this time. You know me, hyung. If there’s a chance to talk things out, I’m more than willing to—”

“You’ve always been such a softie,” Jongwoon interrupts, shutting his eyes as he tries to swallow away the lump that rose to his throat. “You never really get mad at someone. But Hyukjae-ya, you should stop being like that. That’s why so many people take advantage of you and your kindness,” he adds almost bitterly.

One of the reasons he fell in love so easily with Hyukjae was because of the younger man’s genuine personality. Hyukjae is probably one of the kindest people he has ever met in his entire life, and that’s saying something because he has met a lot of different personalities.

Hyukjae does sulk and get irritated from time to time to the point where he’d willingly engage in confrontation, but he never gets seriously angry to the extent that he’d ignore someone, block them off for days, or curse at them and hold a grudge. His temper can be quick sometimes, but he forgives just as easily.

That’s also what Jongwoon hates and admires the most about Hyukjae.

Such a pure-hearted man who always gives people second chances. Even third, fourth, and fifth chances.

And it’s precisely because of this that Jongwoon feels even worse, because he feels like he doesn't deserve forgiveness at all. At least, not forgiveness that comes so quickly.

Maybe he shouldn’t have told Hyukjae his feelings earlier, after all. He should’ve known...

“Who are you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do?” Hyukjae suddenly says, annoyance lacing his words. “I just want to talk this out, okay? This is the first time that we talked in depth like this. Also, maybe I haven’t been considering your side of the story that much. I want to understand better, Jongwoon-ah.”

“Hyukjae—”

“No. Let me finish.” Hyukjae sighs. “It’s not like you’re the only one in the wrong here, hyung. You said earlier that the mistake is all yours, didn’t you? Honestly, I don’t think that’s the case.”

“Huh?”

“I... I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said earlier. It made me ponder on some things for the first time,” Hyukjae explains hastily. “I think... I might have depended too much of my happiness on you, and that must’ve made you feel pressured and annoyed with me. I kept on pushing you so I could get your attention, but I never really thought that it must’ve been uncomfortable for you. Sometimes I even thought that you hated me or something.”

Jongwoon opens his mouth to say something, but the look on Hyukjae’s face stops him.

The younger reaches out tentatively and grasps Jongwoon’s hand in his. Jongwoon realizes that Hyukjae’s palm is cold and clammy, an indication of his nervousness.

Jongwoon decides to keep silent and listen to what Hyukjae has to say first.

“I guess...” Hyukjae continues on with a wry smile, “...all I wanted was someone who loves me enough to match my effort. I felt like I was giving more than I was receiving. It sounds selfish in a way, I know, but... we’re in a relationship. I needed you, and I thought you needed me too, just as much.”

Jongwoon feels his throat close up in guilt.

As if reading his mind, Hyukjae squeezes his hand reassuringly, the soft tone in his voice never disappearing. “I felt desperate because I felt like you were treating me like some kind of trophy. Like, I was just somebody you could show off to others, that you have someone you can call your boyfriend. That I’m just someone you can talk to whenever you pleased, and then ignore me once you’re finished using me.

“But I didn’t voice out these thoughts to you because I was scared of what you might say. I didn’t even attempt to talk to you about it or bring it up as a topic. I just kept getting angry at you for no reason, because I thought that, that way, you would start talking to me and give me attention.”

Jongwoon swallows thickly, unable to think of a response in his head.

So there’s another reason behind all that anger... he thinks to himself, feeling a heavy weight settle in his chest.

He just wanted to talk to me more.

And I never gave him a proper chance to talk.

“...I’m sorry,” Jongwoon can’t help but say.

Hyukjae shakes his head. “I already told you to stop apologizing to me,” he says quietly. “You’re making me feel bad.”

“Because I can’t help but say sorry when I know that I’ve done something wrong, Hyukjae,” Jongwoon says with a sigh. “I just... I suddenly remember what our entire relationship has been like all this time, and I wonder... have we ever had deep conversations with each other before? Have we ever spilled our deep thoughts and feelings for one night, and just... talk? About anything at all?”

“No,” Hyukjae answers promptly.

Silence follows soon after, and Jongwoon doesn’t know how to respond.

Hyukjae looks at him for a moment before averting his gaze. “But I remember that... we used to do that before we started dating.” A small, nostalgic smile forms on his face. “We used to love talking to each other, hyung... What happened to us?”

Jongwoon knows why. Before they dated, they became friends during that week-long vacation at the resort. They were secretly attracted to each other but didn’t know how to confess, so they kept on building their friendship in the process.

And then, when they started dating a few months later, they were lost in the euphoria of a newly-formed relationship and went on dates whenever they could — either online or whenever they visited each other in person — and kissing and hugging whenever they met up. They would also call each other every single day, text each other good morning and good night, and never ran out of topics to talk about. They had been so invested in each other.

They focused on the romantic acts as though their time was running out, and soon enough, their lives, especially their respective careers, eventually separated them from each other. Their meetups became limited, and their communication online slowly dwindled. Real life happened, and their interest waned after discovering what they initially wanted to know about each other.

It was then that Jongwoon realized that he doesn’t do well with long-distance relationships. It’s the hardest thing to be away from your lover, to be miles away and never get to touch them or talk to them in person.

Although it’s a digital world nowadays, nothing can beat physical affection and face-to-face conversations in comparison to talking to phone and laptop screens.

Hyukjae, on the other hand, tried hard to cope with the change. Although he was also antsy being miles away from Jongwoon, at least he made an effort to communicate.

Jongwoon had no such excuse.

He acted like he was single and, on the days when he was lonely, he acted like he was in a relationship again. He never once considered what Hyukjae might’ve felt and thought that things would be all right, that this routine wouldn’t break someday. That one day, they would probably be with each other for good, and they would no longer suffer because of the long distance.

He had been too arrogant, indeed.

As if reading his thoughts, Hyukjae smiles and doesn’t say anything more. It’s a bittersweet smile, and Jongwoon feels the silence suffocate him more and more as the seconds creep by.

He had thought that his earlier speech to Hyukjae would be the last words he’d ever get to speak to his lover, but it turns out that this night has a lot of twists in store for him.

He doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

He doesn’t even know if he should take this window of opportunity right now. He thinks that it would only be like taking the easy way out, and he can’t do that to Hyukjae.

But Hyukjae can be quite stubborn when he wants to be.

In all honesty, deep in the recesses of Jongwoon’s heart, he wants to make this relationship work again. He wants to talk to Hyukjae again like before, to spend time with him, to hang out and hold him again like he used to.

He can’t help but admit that his heart grew hopeful the moment Hyukjae said that he wanted to give them a chance again, but Jongwoon’s not sure if he’s even worth giving one. He’s sure that he can change for the better, but he feels so lost now, and he doesn’t know what to do.

Thinking back on it now, they’ve had a lot of disagreements. There are probably also some inner resentments festering inside of them, pent-up frustrations because they feel that their feelings aren’t understood.

But now that they’re talking about it...

“Hyukjae-ya...” Jongwoon says in a whisper. “How sure are you?”

Hyukjae still hasn’t let go of his hand. “What?”

“How sure are you... that I won’t hurt you again?”

Hyukjae stares at him, startled, then quickly regains his composure with a chuckle. “Why are you asking me that? You should ask that to yourself.” He smiles softly. “There needs to be two people who are willing to fix this, right? If you’re genuinely going to make an effort, then I won’t belittle you for doing it. In a relationship, there isn’t just one person involved. It can’t be just one person doing all the work, so...”

He pauses for a moment, and Jongwoon looks at him with an unknown feeling twisting in his stomach.

“So...” Hyukjae repeats slowly. “I’ll trust you again, hyung. My decision to stay with you isn’t just because I don’t want to lose this relationship. It’s also because I love you. I trust you, and I respect you.”

Jongwoon stares at him, stunned.

Hyukjae swallows. “To be honest, I... I saw the look on your face earlier at the bar, the way you stared at me while singing.”

“Right...” Jongwoon mumbles. “You came unexpectedly...”

Hyukjae nods. “I just want to tell you that... I lied. I did listen,” he confesses. “You sang as though you were telling me the lyrics yourself, as though the feelings you put into the song were meant for me to hear and to feel. I felt it so deeply, and that’s why I ran away. I couldn’t bear to look at you even more, especially when I was still hurt from breaking up with you just hours before.”

Jongwoon doesn’t know what to say. He feels like his heart is constricting in his chest, twisting so painfully like it’s trying to squeeze out more blood from his veins.

He feels like crying again.

He knows that the solution to this is so simple, but he’s just making it more complicated than it should be. This is one of his sides that he’d been afraid to show Hyukjae ever since they started dating; he’s the kind of man who thinks too much, who ponders over every single issue like a math problem, a complicated equation that has no solution within reach. Most of the time, he’d give up even trying, knowing it’s fruitless.

And sometimes, he’d choose to escape and curl into his own shell, shutting the world out and focusing on himself only. He solves problems as if he’s the only one affected, and it’s this solitary way of dealing with something that he has grown used to for years.

It’s only when he met Hyukjae that his routine and way of thinking have been greatly challenged, and he doesn’t know if he’s choosing to step out of his shell because of Hyukjae or simply because he has grown tired of running away all the time.

“Maybe...” Hyukjae suddenly says, staring straight into Jongwoon’s eyes. “You’re afraid, hyung, because you’ve never opened yourself up so much to others before. But that’s why we should communicate better from now on, right?” He squeezes Jongwoon’s hand reassuringly. “You should share your feelings with me, too. You should come to me whenever you want to complain about something, whenever you want to rant about something, whenever you want to just talk about random topics out of nowhere... Like, talk, you know?”

Jongwoon nods slowly.

“And I just realized that, whenever we speak to each other on the phone or during video calls, we often just talk about missing each other and then converse about shallow topics like how our days had been, and if there was anything interesting happening at work,” Hyukjae says. “We never really had any deeper talks than that, right?”

Jongwoon nods again, the comprehension starting to dawn upon him.

“That’s why... I’m proposing for us to try again,” Hyukjae says in a meaningful tone. “Let’s try to talk to each other once more. We needed a wake-up call, and this might’ve been our answer.”

Jongwoon falls silent for a moment. “I do want to make this work, Hyukjae. Believe me, I do, but... I can’t help feeling like you’re giving me an easy way out.”

“An easy way out?” Hyukjae repeats. “How so?”

“I... I don’t know. I just...”

“Do you want me to punish you or something? Or hate you and have a grudge against you?”

Jongwoon hangs his head. “Maybe that would be better...”

“Would it, really? And what kind of purpose would that serve?”

“Huh?”

“Let’s say I do vent my anger on you. Let’s say I do go into a fury and hate you for the rest of my life. But is that really worth it in the end? Don’t you think that it’s more exhausting for me that way?”

Jongwoon can’t find it in himself to say anything.

“Wouldn’t that only mean that I’d sacrifice my time in life just to make you suffer? When we could just fix it so simply like this?” Hyukjae sighs and takes a seat next to Jongwoon, shaking his head. “Honestly, hyung... you always complain about my tendency to forgive easily, but you yourself are underestimating your own self-worth.”

“But...”

“You think I’d still be here trying to talk to you if I think that you’d never change at all? Of course not, hyung,” Hyukjae says, his voice filled with conviction. “Even though we haven’t lasted that long yet, I already know that you’re the kind of person who’s sincere on the inside, but also easily pressured, and easily distracted.”

“You... really think I’m worth it?”

Hyukjae looks at him. “If you cheated on me, hyung, I would never have even considered staying here and breathing the same air as you. If you hit me or deliberately played with my feelings or something, I would never have come to see you in the first place,” he says fiercely. “And if you never said sorry earlier... then I wouldn’t have come here to talk to you one more time.”

Hyukjae sighs and looks at him imploringly.

“I’m also sorry that I became too emotional. I wasn’t like this in the past,” he says quietly. “I... I used to hate getting into fights with anyone, even with my parents. I didn’t want to become somebody annoying or somebody who was insensitive. But I guess... the environment changed me. My circumstances changed me. I kept getting angry all the time. I couldn’t control my temper. I had been repressing it for too long, and everything just... exploded, you know?”

So that’s why... Jongwoon thinks to himself.

There are still a lot of things I want to understand about Hyukjae...

“You were the only one I could vent my anger on... and that wasn’t fair to you.” He smiles humorlessly. “Maybe that’s why you got tired of me.”

“Sweetheart, no—” Jongwoon stumbles upon his words, realizing that his tongue had slipped once again. Flustered, he tries to remedy the situation. “I mean, no, no... you... I never... I mean, it’s not you. It’s me.”

Hyukjae chuckles, and it sounds a little genuine this time. “Now that’s a line that I hear the most in soap operas.”

“I really mean it, though,” Jongwoon says helplessly, not knowing how else to explain his feelings.

Silence falls between them once more. It still feels a bit awkward, but the tension has considerably loosened, like a knot gradually untying itself. It’s a strange yet liberating feeling, Jongwoon thinks.

It’s like the more they talk, the more aware they become of each other’s perspectives.

Has this been their solution all along...?

Hyukjae takes a deep breath before he breaks the silence.

“Let’s just try again, okay?” he pleads. “There’s no harm in trying, right? If it doesn’t work again, then... we might not be meant for each other, after all. But if we start over again, let’s start with a clean slate, with no grudges or internal baggage between us. If there’s any resentment left, then let’s air it out slowly, okay? I want to try, too, hyung. Not only you.”

He holds Jongwoon’s hand with both of his own hands this time, and Jongwoon can almost feel the sincerity pouring out from them, from the warmth of Hyukjae’s skin to the tender way he’s gripping Jongwoon’s hand.

“What couple doesn’t have fights from time to time?” Hyukjae says gently. “The two of us aren’t perfect. As long as we talk to each other honestly and make an effort to understand each other’s feelings, it’s more than enough. Because if we don’t communicate regularly, hyung... then what’s the point of being in a relationship?”

Jongwoon expels a long, suffering breath that he hasn’t realized he’d been holding.

To be honest, Hyukjae’s explanations sound idealistic in Jongwoon’s head.

When Hyukjae loves, he loves deeply, and he has a hard time letting go. Jongwoon knows this best based on Hyukjae’s stories back then when the latter talked about his current and former friendships and relationships. Jongwoon can still recall Hyukjae’s expression back then, when the younger had been at a loss on what to do. Hyukjae tends to get attached very easily.

But at the same time, Hyukjae’s words... they also sound so reasonable in his heart, like it’s the answer he’s been hoping for all along.

“So, what do you say?” Hyukjae asks in a soft voice, breaking the silence between them. “Do you want to start over? Or do you still think I’m being too forgiving?”

Jongwoon looks up at him then with glassy eyes, unable to restrain the feelings that begin to pour out of his heart like a rushing tide. With no more hesitance in his movements, he reaches out and wraps his arms around Hyukjae, pulling him close into a tight yet warm embrace.

Hyukjae lets out a cute squeak in surprise, but his hands clutch at the back material of Jongwoon’s shirt like a lifeline, and Jongwoon can practically feel the emotions coming from the younger’s tight grip alone.

“If you can give me one last chance,” Jongwoon breathes out, “I’ll do better this time, I swear.”

Hyukjae doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Jongwoon starts to fear that he might have changed his mind, but then Hyukjae lets out a helpless chuckle and hugs him back even tighter.

“I’m sorry, I...” he chokes out. “I just... really miss your hugs.”

Jongwoon bites his lower lip to keep from crying.

“I’ll give you as many hugs as you want from now on.”

They stay there in that same position for a long time, embracing each other as if it’s their last one, reveling in the fluttery, reassuring atmosphere that’s wrapped around their bodies like a warm blanket.

“...By the way, you left so abruptly earlier. Won’t your friends get mad?”

“It’s fine. I finished the performance anyway. They don’t need me there when they start partying.”

“Ah... okay.”

“I was more surprised to see you there. I didn’t expect that you would actually come.”

Hyukjae is quiet for a moment. “When I left your apartment, I just... roamed around. I didn’t know where else to go. I came back to our chats and saw that you sent me the location of the bar...” He smiles helplessly. “In the end, I found myself coming back to you.”

“I’m glad you came,” Jongwoon says sincerely.

Hyukjae shakes his head. “You didn’t seem that happy to see me when I went to your apartment earlier,” he says in a somewhat teasing tone.

“...I’m sorry.”

“Again, stop apologizing,” Hyukjae says exasperatedly. “I want you to show it to me through actions, not words.”

“Ah, right...” Jongwoon sighs softly. “I still can’t believe you’re here... It’s been a really long time.”

“It has,” Hyukjae agrees. “That’s why I’m not going to let go just yet.”

Jongwoon chuckles as he runs his fingers across Hyukjae’s back, wrapping his arms tightly around the latter. “It feels nice. And you smell nice, too.”

“It’s your soap that smells nice. What brand is it?”

“The brand? I forgot. I just buy whatever is available.”

“Fine, I’ll take another look at that soap later after this. I need to note it down.”

“...Are we really just gonna talk about soaps right now?”

“Why not?” Hyukjae laughs. “Isn’t it a good icebreaker?”

“...I have to say that I agree...”

The two of them chuckle to themselves before Hyukjae eventually pulls away, but just enough to look at Jongwoon closely in the eyes.

“You look terrible,” Hyukjae remarks.

“...Now you’re insulting my looks?”

“Har, har. You know that’s not what I mean.” Hyukjae rolls his eyes good-naturedly before gingerly reaching out to Jongwoon’s cheek. His touch is so gentle, as if he’s caressing some kind of treasure.

Jongwoon closes his eyes as the younger’s warmth spreads from his cheek to the rest of his face, enveloping him in a soothing sensation that almost makes him sigh softly.

“What’s been going on at the company lately?” Hyukjae asks. “You look like you haven’t slept well in weeks. Have you even been eating well? You always avoided this subject of skipping meals whenever I brought it up.”

“It was just really hectic for the past few months,” Jongwoon confesses. “It’s gotten easier now, though. Don’t worry.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“I’m... Well, sometimes I forget...”

“Geez! No wonder you’re so skinny!” Hyukjae scolds. “Don’t you know that it’s important not to skip meals?”

“I know...”

Hyukjae looks at him for a moment. “I don’t think this is healthy, Jongwoon-ah,” he remarks quietly. “Why do you keep working yourself to the bone? The last time you went on a vacation was two years ago, and that time was when we first met. You should prioritize your health more.”

“I was aiming for that promotion,” Jongwoon admits sheepishly. “I guess, now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have focused too much on it.”

“What’s the use of getting a promotion if your health declines because of it?” Hyukjae frowns. “I’ve been so worried about you because of this. If only you just talked to me...”

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

“Even if you don’t think it’s a big deal, you still should’ve told me. I ranted to you about useless things most of the time. You’re more than welcome to rant to me, too. It’s more healthy to let out your frustrations every once in a while, right?”

“Right...”

Should I have? Jongwoon wonders.

Maybe he has been doing it all wrong from the start?

Ever since he and Hyukjae got into a relationship, all Jongwoon focused on was taking care of Hyukjae. He was scared of doing anything that might ruin their relationship and make Hyukjae think any less of him.

He aimed to be the perfect boyfriend and promised Hyukjae to always listen to him and take care of him. To Jongwoon, it didn’t matter if he was suffering or had concerns of his own. Those things were trivial. That was what he thought.

He wanted Hyukjae to trust him, but it turned out that he was the one who didn’t trust Hyukjae enough to spill his worries to.

It really is one-sided, Jongwoon realizes. I closed myself off and didn’t depend on him like he depended on me.

No wonder Hyukjae felt like that...

As if reading his thoughts, Hyukjae suddenly reaches out and embraces him again without a word. Jongwoon shuts his eyes, feeling Hyukjae’s warmth wrap around him, making him feel safe and secure.

It’s really fascinating how just a simple embrace feels so meaningful.

“You know what I think?” Hyukjae suddenly says.

Jongwoon opens his eyes, focusing on his lover’s voice. “Hm?”

“I think you need a break, hyung,” Hyukjae says softly, pulling away to look Jongwoon in the eyes. “I think you need to let go of everything right now and escape. I think you need to breathe, and I don’t mean that literally.” He smiles warmly. “Come with me, hyung. Run away with me.”

“I... what?” Jongwoon his suddenly dry lips, feeling nervous and unsure.

“Let’s go outside for a moment. Let’s escape from here and get some fresh air.” Hyukjae looks at him with imploring eyes. “Please?”

“At this time of night? I don’t think—”

“We won’t go too far,” Hyukjae assures him. “We’ll just go on a walk together.”

“An evening walk?”

“Yes.”

Jongwoon stares as Hyukjae stretches out his hand, and there’s no mistaking the implied invitation there.

It doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Maybe it’ll even make him feel better.

He doesn’t feel sleepy anymore, anyway.

“Wherever you want to go,” Jongwoon says softly. “I’ll come with you.”

There’s a stunned pause for a moment before Jongwoon feels Hyukjae’s breath hitch in response, and he can practically feel the excitement emanating from the younger man.

Suddenly, Hyukjae pushes him away and grabs his hand, tugging him upwards almost impatiently.

“Then let’s go!” Hyukjae says with a wide grin.

Jongwoon barely has the time to grab his wallet, keys, and phone before Hyukjae whisks him away from the apartment and into the chilly night, the breeze sweeping across their faces refreshingly. Hyukjae is running so fast that Jongwoon tries to keep up. However, he can’t help but admit to himself that he has never felt so free.

Jongwoon lifts his head and looks up at the sky as he runs, feeling tears form in his eyes as he catches sight of the stars. The black expanse stretches so widely like infinite space, and even as he turns his head he can still see those shimmering stars.

It’s a beautiful, cloudless night with the moon hanging brightly in the sky. It looks like a vivid photograph.

He wonders to himself at this moment. How long has it been since he last went outside like this? Just walking along the streets and staring up at the sky to clear his mind?

His legs start to feel heavy, and he can feel his pulse quickening from the slight adrenaline in his body, but he can’t bring himself to stop.

He looks at the back of Hyukjae’s head and hears the younger man’s laughter drifting into his ears. He feels his heart swell with happiness.

Just like this... he thinks to himself with a teary gaze and a growing smile.

Being with you like this...

It feels beautiful.

“Slow down,” Jongwoon calls out, panting slightly as he keeps on getting dragged. “You’re going too fast!”

“Looks like you haven’t been exercising enough!” Hyukjae teases as he suddenly pulls his hand out of Jongwoon’s hold. “You old man!”

Jongwoon scowls. “I’m only two years older than you, brat!”

Hyukjae just laughs and continues to run off ahead. Jongwoon shakes his head fondly and tries to keep up, but eventually slows down to take a breath.

They’re currently on an empty sidewalk with barely any cars passing by the road. The darkness is illuminated with a dreamy glow by the streetlamps, giving the impression of a romantic night where only the two of them exist and no one else.

Hyukjae stops running a few feet away from him, stopping just under a streetlight to look up at the sky with a mesmerized expression. Jongwoon watches him and holds his breath, feeling a little dazed at the sight.

If only time would stop at this very moment, he thinks.

After steadying his breathing, he starts walking towards Hyukjae, the distance between their bodies growing narrower by the second. He watches as Hyukjae looks at him with expectant eyes, the smile on the younger man’s face widening, making him look like a second bright moon in the night sky.

“Well?” Hyukjae asks, his voice almost breathless. “How are you feeling?”

“Great,” Jongwoon answers automatically, feeling his heartbeat begin to race. “I... I feel great.”

And it’s true. Even after that bad dream earlier, even when he felt restless and tired afterwards...

The moment Hyukjae took his hand and led him outside, he’s been feeling... exhilarated. Refreshed. Like he’s taking a step into a whole new path he’s never considered before.

It’s a little scary, and there’s this nagging fear of the unknown that’s almost making him feel hesitant, but...

Hyukjae’s gaze softens. “That’s good to hear,” he says sincerely as he takes a step forward.

Jongwoon stays where he is, feeling something inside his heart soar.

With Hyukjae, it feels like he can do anything that he wants to do.

Reaching out, the younger man fixes the strands that fell across Jongwoon’s eyes, gently brushing them aside. Jongwoon watches him with bated breath, feeling the emotions rise inside of him. Even under the illumination of the streetlights, the tender look on Hyukjae’s face is visible, and at that moment, he looks like the most beautiful man Jongwoon has ever seen.

“You’re staring,” Hyukjae remarks with a cheeky grin.

Jongwoon swallows heavily as he reaches out and catches the younger man’s hand, gripping it against his chest. They stare at each other for a long moment, and when Hyukjae takes the initiative and leans closer, Jongwoon meets him halfway, pressing their lips together in a soft kiss.

With that kiss, it’s as if Jongwoon is suddenly transported into another world. A world where only their memories exist. A world where the past resides, a past that has been forgotten in favor of the present.

Jongwoon can still remember their first kiss. The kiss that changed their lives, the kiss that happened because of their attraction towards each other which soon morphed into love.

Hyukjae had been so nervous back then that his hands were trembling, and he didn’t know where to put them. Jongwoon had guided the younger man’s arms around his neck before deepening the kiss, letting Hyukjae’s body melt into his, flooded with emotions that he had never known existed inside of him.

This time, though it’s nothing like their first kiss in the past, it feels like it’s the first time all the same. Jongwoon hesitates to press deeper, but Hyukjae encourages him to, letting his arms wrap around the older man’s waist and pulling him close. Jongwoon tentatively cups each side of Hyukjae’s face, kissing him tenderly as though he were holding the most precious treasure in the world.

This familiar intimacy makes his heart burst into emotions, as if Hyukjae’s sincere feelings are pouring out and flowing into his blood, connecting their hearts together. Hyukjae’s arms are wrapped around his body, encasing him in a cocoon of warmth, and Jongwoon can’t help but sink into his embrace.

Feeling overwhelmed, Jongwoon can’t stop the hot tears from falling down, and he barely restrains himself from sobbing against Hyukjae’s lips.

But Hyukjae doesn’t pull away and only brings him closer, lifting a hand to gently wipe away Jongwoon’s tears. He kisses Jongwoon as though they’ve reunited after ten long years: passionate yet tender, desperate yet relieved.

When they both finally break the kiss, they don’t pull away just yet. Jongwoon lets his forehead rest against Hyukjae’s, feeling emotional.

Silence stretches between them, but it doesn’t feel so tense anymore.

“We’re... back together, right?” Hyukjae suddenly asks in a small voice.

Jongwoon smiles. “Did we ever break up, though?”

“Huh?”

“Well, I didn’t agree to it, did I?”

“You... didn’t?”

“Yeah. You left before I could even answer.”

“But silence means yes!”

“No, it doesn’t!”

“It does!”

“All right, fine.” Jongwoon laughs and takes Hyukjae’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “Hyukjae-ya.”

“Yeah?”

“Will you be my boyfriend again?”

Hyukjae stares at him in surprise. He blinks rapidly, as though processing the words in his head.

Then, he nods, and he has never looked so relieved.

“Of course I will,” he says softly.

---

* * *

---

Jongwoon feels as though something heavy has finally been lifted off his chest. Now, as he walks through the streets while holding Hyukjae’s hand in his, he can feel the latter’s warmth spreading from his fingers up to his arms, enveloping him slowly like a gentle, half-embrace.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Hyukjae begins softly. “I never thought you’d still love me after all this time… I know we’ve had a rough year, with us being too far away from each other and being too busy to visit…”

Jongwoon shakes his head. “I always asked you to be patient and understanding with me, but I didn’t do the same for you. I feel like such a hypocrite…”

Both of them fall silent, not knowing what else to say.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae suddenly says. “You remember the time when we first met?”

Jongwoon turns to him, surprised. “Yeah?”

A small smile plays on Hyukjae’s lips. “You know, the first time I saw you… I thought you looked really handsome.”

Jongwoon laughs. “So you only like me for my looks?” he teases.

Hyukjae punches him on the shoulder lightly, playfully. “I did at first, when we were strangers. But…” As he thinks about it now, his ears start to redden.

He and Jongwoon first met when they were both on a little holiday trip at the same vacation resort.

Jongwoon hadn’t been busy at that time, so he used to visit Hyukjae a lot afterwards. He would come at least once a month during the weekend even though his city was far away and even though it was a little costly.

Jongwoon had been dedicated then, but everything changed when his schedule became hectic.

They made a lot of memories during that trip. They had only known each other for a week, but they couldn’t deny their attraction. After exchanging phone numbers and SNS, they started talking more and calling every day until they finally decided to date.

Looking back at it now, it hadn’t been easy when they realized that they were gonna have to put up with a long-distance relationship. Naively, they thought that as long as they loved each other, it would be fine.

But it turned out that love wasn’t enough.

Though Hyukjae believes that they’ll do things right this time.

If not, then they probably aren’t meant for each other, after all.

“Mine was a little cheesy,” Jongwoon suddenly says, squeezing Hyukjae’s hand warmly.

Hyukjae stares at him, puzzled. “What is?”

“What made me attracted to you at first,” Jongwoon replies with a smile. “Call me cheesy if you want, but it was your smile. And the way you laughed. It’s such a simple thing, but believe it or not, I was captivated.”

“Stop being embarrassing,” Hyukjae almost stammers, his cheeks flushing red.

Jongwoon laughs. “You’re so cute,” he remarks, reaching out to touch his lover on the cheek.

Hyukjae subconsciously rubs the area where Jongwoon touched him, looking even redder than before.

“What about you?” Jongwoon asks.

“Huh?”

“What made you fall in love with me? I want to know.”

Hyukjae glares at the cheeky smile on Jongwoon’s face. “I—It was your — wait, no, I’m not telling!” he suddenly exclaims childishly, realizing that his tongue almost slipped.

“What?” Jongwoon says, feigning shock. “Why won’t you tell me?”

“I said I’m not telling!” Hyukjae says, pulling his hand out from Jongwoon’s grasp before turning away and marching off.

“Hey, wait!” Jongwoon’s laughter rings in the evening air as he runs after Hyukjae. “You get embarrassed like this so easily, but you never seemed to have a problem with flirting through our texts and video calls!”

“That’s because it wasn’t in person!”

“And video calls aren’t?”

“It’s just different when it’s face-to-face, all right?!”

Jongwoon sprints and catches up to Hyukjae, who’s still covering his face from the embarrassment. Still laughing, Jongwoon holds Hyukjae by the waist with one hand while gently removing his hands from his face.

“All right, all right. I won’t ask you about it again. Just look into my eyes, okay?” Jongwoon says sweetly.

Hyukjae slowly lifts his gaze and meets Jongwoon’s eyes, swallowing heavily. Jongwoon is looking at him as if he’s the only person in this world, with a smile that he has never seen in a long time.

They’re standing so close to each other that they can clearly hear the sound of their breathing. Hyukjae feels like he’s in a dream, which to be honest doesn’t sound too far off. After all, he once dreamed of this. Of a pleasant evening with the one he loves, away from the noise of the world and into each other’s reassuring embrace.

It’s not like Hyukjae is completely calm about this. He didn’t lose hope in trying to connect with Jongwoon somehow, but being ignored for too long had its impact on him, like a bad memory that he can’t forget.

He believes in Jongwoon’s sincerity which he clearly saw earlier back at the apartment, but he still can’t help feeling a little apprehensive. What if this is just another one of Jongwoon’s empty promises? Will this last attempt of trusting Jongwoon not to break his heart backfire on him months later? Or maybe weeks, or days later? He just can’t be sure.

Then again, relationships are like that. If there’s no trust, then it’ll fall apart eventually.

Jongwoon promised that he would do his best to change, so Hyukjae will, too. They need to understand each other more, and that’s what Hyukjae wants to do from now on.

He loves Jongwoon and is still in love with him, but he’s aware that love isn’t the only thing that can sustain their relationship. Without compatibility, compromise, self-examination, and self-improvement, then the relationship is no longer healthy.

Hyukjae smiles wryly. They really need to get to know each other more. This past year, it feels like they’re lovers but also strangers at the same time.

Maybe they should start with that, and then take things one step at a time.

If in the end, it turns out that they’re incompatible and unwilling to reach a compromise, then that’s that. They just aren’t meant to be for each other.

It’s painful to get hurt again, but there’s no harm in trying just in case.

After all, nobody said that a long-distance relationship has ever been easy.

But will they always be in this kind of situation? How long will they be willing to keep this up? Until they’re both exhausted again from trying too hard?

Hyukjae still doesn’t know the answer to that.

Just try, a small voice inside him persists.

And then, Jongwoon suddenly touches Hyukjae’s cheek, bringing the latter back to reality.

This familiar intimacy and the flash of tenderness and love in Jongwoon’s eyes transports Hyukjae back to when they first fell in love, and then he realizes that their love hasn’t faded at all.

It never did.

It has always been there.

“You know...” Hyukjae says softly.

“Yes?”

“I’m really happy, even if it’s just being with you here, walking around at night,” Hyukjae confesses. “Being outside with you and not just talking to you on the phone or only seeing your face on the screen. Seeing you with my own two eyes, feeling you with my hands, hearing your voice this close... I feel really happy.”

Jongwoon looks stunned for a moment before a wistful expression comes over his face.

“It’s been so long... We used to express our affection like this a lot, didn’t we?” Jongwoon whispers.

“Mmhm,” Hyukjae hums in agreement, Jongwoon’s cheek tenderly.

“I realized along the way that I missed what it felt back then. With you and me.” Jongwoon closes his eyes, feeling Hyukjae’s warmth wrap around him. “I wanted to feel that way again, and now you reminded me.”

Hyukjae reaches out and pulls him into a hug. “I really miss you, hyung,” he whispers. “I thought... I thought I wouldn’t get to see you again. I thought I was ready to let you go. But... I still came back to you. I thought I was being a fool like always to run back into a man’s arms. A man who didn’t even love me.”

“Hyukjae...”

“Hyung, I trust you. I really do. I’m... I don’t know. I’m still reeling a little from what’s been happening between us,” Hyukjae says quietly. “The optimist inside me wishes that we won’t change forever, that we’ll always be in love, that we’ll have the perfect relationship...”

Jongwoon is silent for a moment. “Relationships change through time. It’s inevitable,” he says gently. “But the two of us... if we work it out together and support each other, we can overcome these difficulties, right? It’s not like we’ll always be in harmony even after this. We’re bound to have our disagreements every now and then. It happens to everyone.”

Hyukjae sighs. “I know, I just... I think I just wanted to make an effort for this relationship because I loved you and I didn’t want to be alone. But earlier on, I realized that it’s more because I was afraid of losing you rather than being single. If I can’t see your face again, if I can’t hear your voice again, if I can never feel your touch again...”

“I feel the same,” Jongwoon says quietly. “You kept trying to reach out to me, didn’t you? I realized... I kept on telling you to not get mad anymore, and that we should just make up before we argue any further... That was really insensitive of me.”

“I... have something to tell you, too,” Hyukjae mutters. “I’m sorry, hyung. For not listening to you.”

“...What?” Jongwoon pulls away to look Hyukjae in the eyes. “What are you talking about?”

Hyukjae sighs. “I scrolled through our messages earlier when I left… I don’t know why, but then… I realized something when I read them.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I always rant to you, right, hyung?” Hyukjae says hesitantly. “Whenever something happens to me, I’d seek you out and tell you all about it. I get excited easily, so I can go on and on without even knowing…”

“I know that,” Jongwoon says, trying to stifle a laugh. “Funny, I used to have an impression that you were a cool guy. A little cold and difficult to open up to others. I guess I was wrong.”

“I just…!” Hyukjae blushes in embarrassment. “I normally don’t express myself… It’s just, you’re a good listener, so I got carried away through time… and with this long-distance thing, I became even more clingy…”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Jongwoon reassures.

“But I never listened to you,” Hyukjae says quietly.

“Huh?”

“You’d listen to me all the time, but whenever you tried to tell me something, I… I would only listen a few times before changing the topic back to myself. I didn’t even realize.” Hyukjae bites down on his lower lip, looking a little guilty. “I’ve been a hypocrite, too. I always told you to talk to me more, and you did try to reach out a few times, but I never…”

His voice drifts off, but the meaning is clear.

“Oh…” Jongwoon falls silent for a moment.

“Hyung…?” Hyukjae asks hesitantly. “Do you… have something to say?”

“What? No…” Jongwoon is about to dismiss it again when Hyukjae suddenly narrows his eyes at him. “Well…”

“If we’re going to make this work, then we need to be more honest with each other,” Hyukjae insists, leading Jongwoon towards a nearby empty bench. “I was an idiot not to realize it, and it made me seem insincere. I’m sorry, hyung.” Hyukjae sits them both down and grasps Jongwoon’s hand eagerly. “I want you to tell me what you really feel.”

“What I really feel…?” Jongwoon repeats, appearing to be caught off-guard.

Hyukjae nods. “I failed to listen when you needed to talk… so I want to make up for it. I want to listen to you more from now on,” he says sincerely.

“I—It’s not really a big deal,” Jongwoon says evasively.

“Hyung…”

“It’s just… I didn’t want to bother you with it. My feelings, I mean.” Jongwoon chuckles hollowly. “Compared to your worries… mine felt so trivial. Shallow.”

Hyukjae shakes his head. “Of course not. Why would you think such a thing?”

Jongwoon sighs. “Your problems… they’re different from mine, Hyukjae-ya. You were always concerned about your grandma, and that’s valid, because her condition became fragile and you were worried sick about her all the time. I understood it, and I still do. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be ranting about it a lot, too. The fear and the anxiety would be too much to keep inside.”

“But…”

“And you were also getting stressed at work because of that co-worker you mentioned. That rude one,” Jongwoon adds quietly. “You also didn’t feel valued and appreciated by your former supervisor, right? You felt like your hard work was all for nothing.”

“I — yeah… I was too frustrated at that time…”

“With your friends, too,” Jongwoon says gently. “You told me that you felt left out since most of them work abroad, they have a family of their own, and they’re also traveling around the world and going on a lot of trips… You felt trapped and lonely. I told you that you’re welcome to unload every single one of your worries to me, and you did. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I…” Hyukjae stammers, feeling even more guilty than before.

He had a hard time a year ago. He disliked a few people at work, he felt like he was losing touch with his friends, and his grandmother was also in critical condition at that time. He became sensitive over time and needed company, so he kept depending on Jongwoon.

Apparently, that became a habit. And in the end, he took for granted that he could talk to Jongwoon anytime he wanted and rant to him about anything.

So when Jongwoon’s messages and calls came rarely, Hyukjae felt betrayed. Jongwoon had always been there for him, but he was drifting away. So Hyukjae demanded from him even more, not even realizing that he only focused on himself instead of trying to understand the turmoil that Jongwoon was going through.

“I wanted to be heard… even at least once,” Jongwoon says with a wry smile, averting his gaze. “Every time I’d change the topic, you’d listen to me for a while, but then you’d… switch it back to your worries. I was concerned about you and I understood, because what weight do my problems have in comparison to yours, right? It’s not like I’m at a low point in my life. I just feel lost… that’s all. Focusing on work, focusing on the promotion… it felt like it was the only thing I could do.”

Hyukjae squeezes Jongwoon’s hand, hoping that the latter would feel his warmth.

“I tried a few times and gave up,” Jongwoon continues on with a shake of his head. “I felt even more distant from the world. It made me feel like my problems aren’t worth hearing about. But I couldn’t bring it up to you because… you were having a hard time, Hyukjae-ya. Also, I didn’t want to add any more arguments. I didn’t want you to feel guilty for me, too…”

Hyukjae feels a burning sensation in his throat, and his eyes start to sting with tears. “Our… Our problems in life might be different, hyung, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worth hearing about, okay?” He reaches out and pulls Jongwoon into his arms. “I didn’t know… I’m sorry.”

Jongwoon chuckles, feeling deeply touched in his heart. “What, are we having a competition right now as to who can say sorry the most?” he jokes, trying to lift up the atmosphere a little.

“Stupid,” Hyukjae chokes out, slapping his lover lightly on the back. “You deserve to hear an apology. I want you to know that I’m going to be a better boyfriend from now on too, okay?”

“Okay…” Jongwoon shuts his eyes and hugs Hyukjae back, feeling his heart grow warmer than before. “Me too, Hyukjae-ya…”

The evening air brushes past them at that moment, and the temperature seems to have dropped a few degrees. Jongwoon thinks of Hyukjae and their current state of clothing and knows that they should return to the apartment before they can catch a cold.

“We should go back,” Jongwoon says, pulling away gently and patting Hyukjae on the shoulder. “Let’s not stay outside for too long, okay?”

Hyukjae nods obediently. “Okay.”

Jongwoon smiles, then stands up from the bench. He stretches out his hand, and Hyukjae grabs it, squeezing it warmly in his. They smile at each other before turning around and walking towards the road that leads back to Jongwoon’s apartment.

A breeze passes by, bringing with it the evening chill that causes Hyukjae to shiver for a moment. Jongwoon gently pulls his hand away to take off his coat and drape it over Hyukjae’s shoulders.

“You’ll get cold!” Hyukjae protests.

“I’ll be fine. I’m wearing thicker clothes,” Jongwoon assures him.

“Then... Then come closer,” Hyukjae mutters. “Let’s share warmth.”

Jongwoon chuckles and wraps an arm around Hyukjae, pressing him against the side of his body. Hyukjae smiles as they continue walking forward, having small talk along the way.

“I don’t know where to go, so you lead the way,” Hyukjae says.

“Of course.”

“Tell the truth. Do you feel cold?”

“You’re here in my arms. I can only feel warmth.”

“...All right.”

“Anything else you want to ask?”

“Just... talk about anything.”

“Like what?”

“Like... how you’ve been doing. How work has been. Better yet, what your daily routine is or some interesting things that you’ve discovered. Anything. Like I said, I want to listen to you more.” Hyukjae looks up at him with soft eyes. “I know you’ve been having a hard time, too.”

Jongwoon averts his gaze, falling silent for a moment. “I... I’ve...” He pauses. “To tell the truth, I’ve been thinking about getting a new hobby.”

“A new hobby? Like what?”

“You... You might laugh.”

“I won’t. Tell me all about it,” Hyukjae encourages in a gentle tone of voice.

Jongwoon hesitates for only a few seconds before finally spilling what’s been on his mind for a while.

Hyukjae listens intently, not interrupting, and gives hums of acknowledgment from time to time. He listens as Jongwoon starts a topic about his work first. Jongwoon tells him about being unhappy, being stressed about the workload and the decreasing quality, being frustrated that the demands keep getting higher and higher, and being conflicted because the growing effort just doesn’t seem worth it after all even though there’s a good possibility of him getting that promotion that he’s been aiming for this entire time.

He listens as Jongwoon talks about his daily routine, about being too reliant on caffeine each day, working himself too much but with no passion, searching up on the internet about some distracting hobbies he could do, having fluctuating moods and being more sensitive than usual, and also feeling like he’s burnt out and just wants nothing else but to relax or sleep for weeks.

“Do you think knitting suits me?” Jongwoon asks lightly.

“Knitting? It sounds cool. My grandma can teach you if you want.”

“Will she?”

“Of course. Why not?”

“I’m... a little shy.”

“Don’t be! She likes you, remember?”

When Jongwoon finally finishes talking, both of them are silent. Jongwoon’s arm has gone back to his side, but Hyukjae reaches out and grasps his hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

After hearing Jongwoon’s side, Hyukjae suddenly feels an indescribable sense of relief flooding his body. It’s like a feeling of calm has settled in his heart, knowing that the reason is that he has finally clarified the issues that have been going on between them for a while now.

Because that’s what he has wanted all along. For them to walk like this, and talk about it. Talk about what’s been bothering them, what they really feel about this relationship, and also the problems that they kept bottled up inside of them.

As he thinks of this, Hyukjae’s mind is suddenly swept into a past memory.

---

“He doesn’t tell me anything. I’m always the one who talks about myself, the one who messages first, the one who insists on calling each day...”

“Always?”

“Yeah... I feel so miserable, like I’m forcing myself on him or something...”

Hyukjae sighed as he leaned back against the headrest, lifting a hand to rub at his temples.

He and a good friend from college had unexpectedly reunited, so they had lunch together and talked about what went on in each other’s lives.

Hyukjae learned that his friend was currently going out with their classmate who also took the same major. After rekindling their friendship, they would occasionally call each other to catch up and ask about random things.

Today, his friend called him to ask for advice on how he should propose to his girlfriend. Hyukjae didn’t know why, but they eventually got to the topic of Jongwoon, which led to the direction of their current conversation.

“But what about special occasions?” his friend asked. “I’m sure he at least texts and calls you during birthdays and the holidays.”

Hyukjae sighed. “He barely even remembers my birthday.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah... it’s frustrating. A month ago, I managed to convince him to at least put it in his calendar event so he wouldn’t forget again. We’ve been together for two years. Whenever I asked him about my birthday or brought it up as a topic, he barely got the date right. It’s like I don’t matter to him.”

His friend was silent for a moment. “Hey...” he said hesitantly. “Are you really unhappy with your relationship?”

Hyukjae shut his eyes, trying to keep the emotion from showing in his voice. “I am, but...”

“If you’re really unhappy, tell him,” his friend said gently.

“I did. But he likes to make empty promises. He’d promise to be better next time, that he’d try his best to communicate more, to take the initiative. I’m just sick of it.” Hyukjae drew in a deep breath. “He even told me that he’d let me go if I really, really want to end it.”

“He did?”

“Yeah. But that only made me feel worse. I feel like I’m not even worth fighting for. You get what I mean?”

“I do...”

“Sometimes I just tell myself to end it. To find someone else. To break up with him and move on.”

“Oh.”

“But you know what the funny thing is?” Hyukjae smiled wryly. “No matter how many times I told myself that, I could never bring myself to do it. I don’t want to break up with him. I don’t want to lose him. We’ve been together for two years already. If I end it, it’s like I just wasted my time. It’s so hard to let go.”

His friend fell silent, but Hyukjae knew that he was still listening.

“It’s hard,” Hyukjae admitted quietly. “It’s so lonely. I know that the reasonable thing to do is to end this relationship so I can go find someone else who actually has the time for me. Someone who would prioritize me just as much as I want to be prioritized in return. But that’s easier said than done.”

“Listen. If you’re hanging on just because you think that it’s a waste of your two years... That’s not right, Hyukjae-ya.”

“I...” Hyukjae was at a loss for words. He didn’t know what to think.

What did he really feel for Jongwoon now? Was he simply staying in this relationship out of obligation and making an effort to fix it because he was scared of letting go?

These bitter feelings had wrapped around his heart for months and clouded his mind.

Was he having the wrong mindset all this time? Why was he even making an effort in the first place when staying only kept on hurting his feelings?

“Hyukjae-ya.”

His friend’s voice snapped Hyukjae out of his trance. “Ah... yeah?”

“What do you really feel about your relationship with your boyfriend?”

“My relationship? It’s...” Hyukjae took a deep breath. “It’s lonely. I hate that he doesn’t make an effort for me. I hate that he makes me miss him so damn much.”

“Because you love him.”

Hyukjae swallowed the heavy lump in his throat. “I do.”

“When you think about your relationship, is it only filled with bad memories?”

Hyukjae blinked. “That’s...” He paused, as though just realizing something. “Not really...”

“Putting aside the bad memories, you two have also had a lot of great memories together, right?”

At that moment, Hyukjae remembered.

The time when he sent his grandmother to the hospital was something that he could never forget. He was in such a panic that he unconsciously called Jongwoon instead of the ambulance. Jongwoon had remained calm and patient, giving Hyukjae instructions one by one. He didn’t end the call and stayed with Hyukjae even when the ambulance arrived. He also comforted Hyukjae the entire time while the latter waited at the hospital for his grandmother’s condition. Hyukjae couldn’t remember if Jongwoon had work at that time, but he was just grateful that Jongwoon refused to leave him even for one second.

When Hyukjae urgently needed money for his grandmother’s treatment, Jongwoon didn’t hesitate and sent him the amount no matter how large it was, saying that Hyukjae could pay it back as long as he wanted. Hyukjae did return the exact amount after a few months.

When Hyukjae was depressed for some time because he screwed up at work, Jongwoon sent him a package that deeply touched his heart for days. Chocolates, a handwritten love letter, and a scrapbook filled with photos and mementos. Photos that they had taken together on Jongwoon’s phone and digital camera back when they used to visit each other at least once a month last year, including two photos from when they first met at the resort. The start of when they fell in love with each other.

When Hyukjae cried because of a fight with a good friend, Jongwoon called him at random times of the day just to check up on him, comfort him, and talk about anything as a distraction. Jongwoon would also send random photos of his day, even if it was just a cup of coffee on the table, a pocketbook, or a picture of the sky where the sun was shining between the clouds.

Also that day, during the video call, when he asked Jongwoon what the latter liked about him. Hyukjae felt that Jongwoon had been sincere at that time, which made him think twice about thinking that Jongwoon might not love him at all.

And many more, even the trivial things that, when piled up one by one, were actually so precious and showed clearly how much Jongwoon loved him.

“Look, I’m… not really an expert on these kinds of things,” his friend suddenly said hesitantly. “But we all make mistakes in life, don’t we? We’re not perfect beings. We tend to get misunderstood at times, too.”

“...Is this really just a mistake, though? What if he really feels tired of me now? Is this what he’s really like, or is it because of the distance?”

“Well, my advice is to talk it out and try to understand each other. Mistakes don’t always mean that it’s over. I personally think that the measure of a person is what they learn from the mistake and how they act afterwards. Like, character development, right?”

“That’s… Well, you have a point… but what should I do if he refuses to talk to me?”

“Then there’s nothing you can do about that. You can follow your heart and try one last time if you want. But once he acknowledges his mistake and grows from it, I think there’s still a good chance.”

Soon after, the conversation ended, and his friend promised to contact him again once things settled down.

After hanging up the phone, Hyukjae leaned back against the headrest and closed his eyes, thinking about it deeply.

It was true that he had focused too much on the bad memories that they had, but that was what mattered the most, wasn’t it? It was what caused this state of their relationship, after all.

But it was also sad that these bad memories weighed over the good memories so much that he had even forgotten how happy he had been so far with Jongwoon. One of the reasons why he was so lonely and hurt that Jongwoon started being busy and distant was because Hyukjae missed those happy memories so, so much.

With that, a thought immediately crossed his mind, something that solidified a new decision in his head.

He then tried to remember if there were any important things he needed to do this weekend.

To his surprise, he didn’t have anything urgent to attend to. Usually, he would go and accompany his grandmother, but she was recovering well now after getting the final treatment from the hospital. She told him not to worry about her since she had her neighbor — who was also her good friend — to come visit her from time to time and check on her through messages.

It was as though fate arranged this.

Hyukjae swallowed heavily. This was probably his chance.

But would he go for it?

What if he would only get disappointed in the end?

Hyukjae lay on his bed, thinking about Jongwoon, and as time passed by, the answer became clearer and clearer in his head.

He needed to find out.

And only Jongwoon could give him the answer.

Hyukjae jumped out of bed and went to his laptop, his gaze determined. His mind raced with thousands of thoughts. His heart was pounding rapidly, beating in his ears incessantly like a drum.

He managed to book a flight on an early Saturday morning. He did it completely on impulse. He knew that if he didn’t do this, he wouldn’t be able to get a chance like this again, at least not anytime soon.

Hyukjae gathered the courage to make a quick call.

Surprisingly, it was answered within two rings.

“Hello?” came Jongwoon’s tired voice from the other end of the line.

Hyukjae’s heart skipped a beat. It was ridiculous, because this was his boyfriend, and yet he felt so happy even just by Jongwoon answering his call like this. Jongwoon had been so busy with work nowadays that he barely paid any attention to Hyukjae.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae said, swallowing. “I’m coming over to visit this weekend.”

There was silence for a moment. “...You’re what?”

“I’m taking a flight to your city this weekend. I’ll be arriving on Saturday afternoon and coming back here on Sunday, so...” Hyukjae hesitated. “Can I... stay over at your place for the night? Like always?”

“You’re coming here?” Jongwoon repeated, sounding surprised and less tired at this time. “Why?”

“Why are you even asking? It’s to see you, of course. Hyung, we haven’t seen each other in almost a year.”

“I... It’s just wrong timing, that’s all,” Jongwoon said quietly. “Don’t get mad, okay?”

“Hyung, I’m not mad. Why do you always think that I’m mad at you?”

“Because... Look, let’s not fight over something small like this, okay? Of course I’m glad to have you here, I was just surprised...” Jongwoon sounded a little tired again. “You’re welcome to stay here for the night. You don’t even need to ask my permission. If you’re coming here, it goes without saying that you’re going to stay with me.”

Hyukjae was silent for a moment. “...Thanks for answering my call this time,” he said evenly.

“You caught me when we’ve just finished rehearsing. Remember when I told you that I was once in a band back in high school? We’ll be having a reunion this weekend at a bar that our former classmate owns. It’s on Saturday night, coincidentally. I’ll send you the location just in case, okay?”

“Oh. You’re going to perform?”

“Yeah… You’ll come see me, right?”

“...I will.”

“. . .”

“. . .”

“...I really need to rest, Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon said softly. “I’m sorry.”

Hyukjae shut his eyes. “All right.”

“Good night.”

“Good night.”

The phone call ended, just like that.

Was it really this one-sided? Even though Hyukjae missed Jongwoon so much that even hearing Jongwoon’s voice made him want to cry, did Jongwoon not feel the same way for him?

Did Jongwoon still love him? Did Jongwoon not look forward to this even after about a year of not visiting each other in person?

I expected too much again, didn’t I? Hyukjae thought to himself, feeling upset.

These bitter feelings inside Hyukjae grew and grew until they finally exploded inside of him on Saturday.

---

He had gathered the courage to come to this city, to see Jongwoon again, and to see if the relationship was really worth holding on to or if it was finally time for him to let go. He told himself that this would really be the last time.

And to be honest, he went there because he didn’t want to let go.

He wanted to keep staying with Jongwoon, to give him one last chance, and to talk things out with him so that they could finally sort out their issues together in person.

Because if he kept on remembering the bad memories, he was scared that Jongwoon might only become a bad memory in his heart, one of the biggest regrets in his life that he should’ve fixed. After all the things that they’d gone through together, they were just going to end like this?

Hyukjae didn’t want that. He loved Jongwoon too much.

But the moment he arrived at Jongwoon’s city, his bitter feelings and pent-up resentment exploded, and he carried them along with him to Jongwoon’s apartment. The moment he saw Jongwoon’s face, all of the bad memories rose in his head, and he couldn’t help but get mad at everything.

In the end, he argued with Jongwoon, who was still tired and preparing for his evening performance, and broke things off because he finally got tired of it all.

Hyukjae then thought to himself that it was his sign to let go, once and for all.

But then he realized that he had no choice but to go back to Jongwoon since he had no money left. The reason why he asked to stay over at Jongwoon’s place was so he could save money, and now this decision backfired on him.

He didn’t plan on mending things. He thought that the relationship was over, that there wasn’t anything left to fix. It was all too bitter for him to swallow, but he thought that he should accept things for what they were. After all, Jongwoon had already made his decision, and Hyukjae also made his.

But unexpectedly, they managed to talk it out.

When Jongwoon finally talked to him and apologized so sincerely, spilling his genuine thoughts and feelings, Hyukjae realized something.

It was the first time that he heard Jongwoon say something like this. It was the first time that he saw Jongwoon so vulnerable.

It was also the first time that Jongwoon cried like that in front of him.

He didn’t tell Jongwoon this, but he explored Jongwoon’s room earlier, after the latter tucked him into his bed. Hyukjae didn’t mean to, but he couldn’t sleep after the conversation that they had.

There, he discovered Jongwoon’s picture frames on his desk and on top of his cabinet. Jongwoon’s phone on the nightstand. Jongwoon’s medium-sized wooden shelf.

The picture frames were of him and Jongwoon that had been taken a year ago. The photos were only the two of them, and no one else.

When someone sent Jongwoon a message, the latter’s phone lit up, and Hyukjae saw the familiar wallpaper, which was also a photo of them, smiling brightly at the camera.

The middle part of Jongwoon’s shelf displayed all of the gifts that Hyukjae gave him for the entire two years of their relationship. The books, the bracelets, the homemade candle, the watch, the sunglasses, and the black baseball cap.

Hyukjae realized it then. That Jongwoon still did love him.

So Hyukjae decided that he shouldn’t give up, after all.

If love is there, if they both still love each other, then it’s worth giving another chance, even if it’s the last one.

---

* * *

---

Before Hyukjae knew it, they arrived at the front of Jongwoon’s apartment building. They’re not in a hurry, so Jongwoon leads him leisurely towards the stairs since he lives on the second floor.

Hyukjae watches the back of Jongwoon’s head, feeling a lump rise to his throat. After all the emotional talk and breathing all that fresh air, Hyukjae feels like the reality of the situation is finally settling in his head.

This year has been emotionally hard for him — for both of them, actually — but strangely, being with Jongwoon like this makes Hyukjae feel like everything is going to be okay from now on.

Jongwoon opens the door to his apartment and reaches for the light switch.

Hyukjae grasps him gently by the wrist, interrupting his movement.

Jongwoon looks at him questioningly.

Hyukjae doesn’t say anything and slowly closes the door behind them. The room is bathed in darkness, with only the moonlight outside beaming through the glass windows.

Hyukjae leads Jongwoon a little further inside before suddenly locking his lover into a tight embrace.

Closing his eyes, Hyukjae wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s waist and rests his chin on the older man’s shoulder. He can smell the faint scent of perfume from Jongwoon’s clothes, intoxicating him slightly.

Jongwoon hesitantly hugs back, his heart racing at their sudden proximity. Have they ever hugged each other like this? Just silently, without a word about it beforehand, and with a quiet promise conveyed in a simple yet intimate gesture?

It feels… so reassuring.

Jongwoon hugs Hyukjae tightly, securely. He feels his lover’s hair tickling his cheek and his hand clutching the back of his shirt like a lifeline.

Even though both of them don’t say it out loud, they promise to each other silently in their hearts that they would make this chance count from now on.

 

 

EPILOGUE ➡️