#

To be fair, it has been months since they've seen each other.

If you don't count the quick glances when they pass each other by the company's hallways, she'd say it's been months. Maybe, a year? She's not sure.

If you don't count the number of times she just happened to pass by Red Velvet's practice room when the younger group is rehearsing—

Ugh.

It's tough to count the days since you last saw a person when you see each other frequently but do not really see each other.

Does that make sense?

Probably not.

"This is very unusual for you," she hears her co-member say. "You're nervous. But it's just a radio show."

Hyoyeon isn't one to pull back punches. Not intentionally. She's just really crass by nature.

"You know it's not just a radio show," she tells her long-time friend.

Hyoyeon chuckles, smirking lopsidedly as if she's teasing her. "I know."

They did rounds of voting, deciding who will appear on certain shows to promote their new music.

And for the life of her, Taeyeon doesn't understand how she ended up as the one who shows up here. They all know their history—or the lack of it? Almost but not quite?

Juhyun at one point called her the one that got away—to which Taeyeon responded with a loud, resounding no.

In her defense, she was drunk that night. It was the alcohol that made her think she cannot be the one that got away because their story isn't over.

But that was just the alcohol. Just the alcohol.

Taeyeon shakes her head, trying to clear her mind.

Hyoyeon is right, this isn't her.

It's just a radio show.

No big deal.

***

Turns out—it is, in fact, a big deal.

She knew this the moment the producer signaled for them to come into the booth. That was the moment her heart just started pounding against her chest.

She releases a breath, her anxiety slowly bubbling up from the base of .

"It's cold in there, right?" she asks suddenly. "I'll just grab a jacket."

She halts her steps and makes a move to go back to the waiting room in an attempt to stall the inevitable. But the universe isn't on her side today.

Their manager stops her, grabbing her gently by the wrist. "It's not cold in there. If it is, we'll get you a jacket on the first break. The segment's about to start."

"Okay," she gives in, realizing that there's really no turning back.

As she steps inside the booth, she instantly sees her.

Seungwan.

Or Wendy for most people.

But she's always been just Seungwan to her—her little ray of sunshine, someone who will always give her a smile when their eyes meet across the room.

Well, at least, she used to.

Now, the girl looks at her like she has questions. The girl looks at her like she's wondering what happened.

If Taeyeon's going to be really, really honest, the answer to that is nothing.

Nothing happened.

And perhaps that's where the trouble is.

"Hyoyeon-sunbaenim, Taeyeon-sunbaenim," she hears Wendy say softly, bowing to them to show respect.

For a moment, Taeyeon wonders why she's being formal. She has long dropped the formalities for them (especially for her) but then—

"Yah, WanD is so professional," Hyoyeon kids, laughing.

Wendy laughs, her eyes fixed on Hyoyeon, "I was advised to keep it at sunbaenim today so our listeners don't get thrown off by the informality."

Hyoyeon nods, "Okay, okay. So professional."

Taeyeon wanted to say something but she's suddenly out of words when Seungwan finds her eyes.

They hold gazes for two agonizing seconds before Taeyeon looks away, unable to control the way her heart sort of skips.

If Seungwan was, in any way, affected by being in the same room as hers, she doesn't show it. Or at least she tries not to.

But Taeyeon knows her.

It is amazing how she still knows her.

***

The entire segment goes on without a hitch.

Career- and music-related topics were thrown here and there, and Taeyeon likes to think that she and Hyoyeon did their jobs well.

That's a consolation she will take because as she sits there, the whole time, she couldn't bear to look at the DJ.

She couldn't bear the way Wendy looks at her or the way she always nervously fiddles with her hair, anxiously tucking it behind her ears from time to time.

Hyoyeon and Wendy exchange stories during breaks. A few moments, Taeyeon felt brave and joined them, even laughed with them but she doesn't look at her, does her best to find something else her eyes can be fixed on or else...

Or else...

She feels Hyoyeon nudge her by the knee, knocking her out of the internal turmoil she was in.

Wendy had asked her a question about the comeback and her brain caught up just in time to give an eloquent answer, or at least something that makes sense.

She hopes Wendy doesn't see through her. Or if she does see, she hoped the girl would just ignore it.

It's better for them to just pass each other by the hallway and pretend everything's okay.

That way, Taeyeon's guilt won't eat up at her.

That way, she won't always need to look Wendy in the eyes and see her heart break over and over.

She doesn't need the reminder that she's the one behind it.

The shadow that now sometimes blocks her light, Taeyeon is the one that put it there.

She's holding the knife responsible for the wound that up to this day still makes Wendy bleed.

She once again shakes her head.

Focus.

This isn't the time for feelings.

#

The segment is done before she knows it.

She will have to review this whole interview to just get a grasp on what she said because, to be honest, she wasn't truly in it.

She was there but her mind is elsewhere.

Taeyeon, sitting in front of the woman who she once held close, was thinking of the past—a useless recollection of events that led them to where they are today. As strangers.

Or ghosts that hold familiar, lingering memories of what they once were.

This was the first time in a very long time that she had allowed herself to dwell on it. She's really gotten good at not acknowledging her pain—but she guesses today's not one of those days.

Today, her pain sits in front of her with forced smiles and wandering eyes. And Taeyeon still has to physically stop