Taemin pov

Taemin looked down at the sleeping man with a soft gaze, not wanting to wake him up just yet. When he was sleeping like this, he didn’t have to worry about the longing look on Minho’s face. He didn’t have to worry about Minho seeing right through him. He didn’t have to worry about giving in.

It was weird how familiar the stranger’s face was, even if he hadn’t stayed with them for long, Taemin felt like he knew every crease, every mole. The moon would be full again soon, marking the second full moon that Minho was with them, not a long time at all. It would also be the first proper full moon in the new camp, which meant the full-moon festival was in full preparation.

Taemin didn’t want Minho to see him like that, reduced to his most primal instincts. Didn’t want him to be scared of him but he had no other choice than to take part in the sparring just like he had done ever since becoming a protector. Maybe there was a way to exclude him?

Had he not done so well in adjusting to their life, connecting with the clan members, it would have been easier. But Minho made friends, connections and had admirers even; there was no way he could get him to stay in his tent.

After that one sleep-less night that had led to him fainting in Minho's presence, after speaking aloud what he had felt ever since Hyo passed, he had left him in the care of Kibum, watching from afar, afraid of what would happen if he got closer to him. Afraid of getting attached. Afraid of losing another person he couldn’t lose - and there he was, getting attached, nevertheless.

It had been the very first time he woke Minho up when he had sensed why New had acted the way she had upon meeting him for the first time. It had been the first time he watched Minho talk to the youngsters when he had felt the pull towards him. It had been the evening by the bonfire, Minho who barely knew how to do it himself, teaching him how to play a drum that he had known. It had been the other's held promise to not tell anyone about him fainting that sealed Taemin's fate.

New knew exactly what Taemin needed, she knew who would give him the balance he had lost when Hyo had passed. She sensed that Minho was his person, way before he knew it himself.

The difference between him and her was that New didn’t understand rules, she didn’t understand traditions and she couldn’t comprehend why Minho couldn’t be his.

Taemin looked down at the man’s handsome features, holding back from touching his nose, clenching his jaw before taking a deep breath.

“Get up.” He said, hands clenching by his side as he tried to keep his voice under control with all his might. It was getting harder each day to keep his composure around him. “Minho. It’s time to get up.”

Minho stirred awake, rubbing his eyes just like he did every morning and Taemin needed to suppress the smile that tickled beneath the surface of his lips. Don't give in. Don't let the feelings take over. Stay away. He can't be yours.

“mhhh” the tall man hummed, propping himself up on his elbows before brushing his messy hair out of his face. Taemin had noticed the stubble on his face growing further every day. While he had clearly cared about his appearance when he had first arrived, he most definitely hadn’t made the effort to shave in a while.

Taemin didn’t mind though, if anything, he was happy to see that Minho was comfortable among them. Glad that he was starting to understand their way of living, being part of it to a certain extent. Even if it was anything but healthy, it made it possible to fantasise about what it would have been like had they grown up together.

What if they had met earlier? What if Taemin could have chosen him?

Minho wouldn’t have died. He couldn’t have carried a lifeless child in him. He wouldn’t have passed from birthing a corpse.

Taemin shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. He didn’t regret Hyo. He would never regret being her pair. He couldn’t, she meant too much to him.

“Taemin?”

“Hmm?” He hummed, confused. Had Minho said something?

“Why are you still inside my tent? You usually leave right after making sure I am awake.”

Taemin tilted his head, realizing that Minho was already on his feet, shoes tied exactly how he taught him, the man towering over him.

“Sorry.” He mumbled immediately, leaving the tall man behind.

He had let his guard down.

Taemin inhaled deeply, calming his racing heartbeat hoping that Minho wouldn't follow him outside right away. But that, he did.

“I do not mind you being in my tent, Taemin.” He said, exciting the tent.

Taemin didn’t look at him. “I know.”

“Where are you going today?” Minho asked as they walked through the camp, the first rays of sunshine lighting up the clouds in the sky.

“We are checking the traps. We need good meat for the festival.”

“Right. The youngsters have talked about the festival throughout the whole week. They are plenty excited to teach me all about it.” Minho said.

“What is a week?” Taemin asked, unsure what to make of that expression. He had noticed that Minho adapted his speech when talking to him in comparison to Kibum, and while he was thankful for his effort, it was also embarrassing that he couldn’t understand.

“Uhm… a week is seven days in a row.”

“Ah.” Taemin said, keeping up the same pace as before.

“Is it true that you will be sparring?” Minho asked, catching up with his steps.

It was true, he would be sparring, as a protector it was the only thing he was obligated to take part in during the festival. He was good at it too, fast, ruthless, strong enough to take down any opponent. He liked being good at it, liked being watched, liked to win.

But he didn’t want Minho to see.

“Mhh” He hummed.

“I am looking forward to watching you then. You must be impressive if I can believe what the youngsters are saying about you.”

“Don’t listen to what they say about me.” Taemin said, cold. They weren’t talking about him. The stories that were told about him were about Taemin-ka, the youngest protector the clan had ever seen. New’s rider. The chief’s deceased daughter’s pair. The cold, fierce man that he posed as. He didn't want Minho to get to know that person; but at the same time, he was afraid of being true to himself. He was afraid of admitting that he wasn't fine.

“Why?” Minho asked and Taemin turned around, halting in his tracks.

Minho was looking down at him with ridiculously wide eyes, at a loss for words.

“Just don’t .” He said with emphasis, consciously squinting his eyes. He was aware of his size and had gotten used to making up for his height by using everything he had. His stance, his tone, his gaze and most importantly, his reputation.

The tall male took a small step backwards, Taemin noticed, confident that his intimidation tactic was working on Minho just like it worked with everyone else.

But then Minho’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Stop the act. It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me. It’s fine if you don’t want me to know anything about you but stop pretending you don’t care. Stop pretending to be this cold and intimidating person. I know you're not. So, at least when it’s just the two of us, I beg you to stop talking to me like this.”

Now it was Taemin who took a step back, turning around to walk away. He had known that there would be a day where this man would see right through him, had dreaded it in a way, but secretly needed it in another.

Dreaded it because he knew that the moment Minho broke through, he would have to stop seeing him, needed it because he was tired of the act, needed it because he was slowly losing himself. He needed someone to see him for who he was and not who he was supposed to be.

With fast steps, Taemin walked off, unable to withstand the pressure of being seen because being seen meant that he would have to admit to the feelings that had boiled inside of him for a while now. He didn't know if he was ready to let himself feel, was unsure if he could give into his feelings for the tall man when the latter would leave inevitably. He was afraid of who he would become when he was left by another person he loved.

Without looking back, he made his way towards the area where the horses usually spent their nights, calling for New from further away than usual, the deep desire to run away boiling in his chest.

Taemin recognised the dull sound of New’s hoofs instantly, jogging towards her as soon as she came into his field of vision. Her attitude shifted the moment Taemin approached her with a racing heart, sensing that he wasn’t well. New bent down and pressed her huge head against Taemin’s chest gently, the latter petting her neck as she did so, placing his own head on the space between her ears. Her mane tickled his face, but he couldn’t care less.

“Let’s go.” He mumbled and New raised her head again, watching as Taemin walked to her side to get up.

The moment he was on her hot back, Taemin relaxed completely and dug his heels into her sides with an honest smile on his lips. She sped up, strong legs pushing off the ground until they were galloping over the wide grassland, the sun rising as they were leaving the camp far behind them.

There was nothing more amazing than the feeling of freedom he was allowed to experience on New’s back. Sometimes, Taemin wished he could be her, he wished he could just run free, the exhilaration of the incredible speed leaving him breathless.

“HYO” he shouted into the air on an impulse, her name familiar on his lips, heavy on his heart. “I am sorry.” He said as he bent down until his face was once again buried in New’s mane.

“I am so sorry.”

A sob followed and New was slowing down, knowing Taemin was in no shape to properly hold onto her at that speed.

“I am so sorry.” He repeated as another sob broke through his carefully built walls.

“I don’t want to feel like this.”

New stood still.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Taemin brought his cramped hand up to his mouth, touching the metal ring that sat right in the middle of his lower lip.

“I chose you.” He said out aloud. Confident despite knowing she wouldn’t be there to hear it.

“I chose you, but I want to choose him too.” He whispered, a tear rolling down his face.

“I want to be myself. With him I… I think I can be myself.”

“Why did you have to die?”

Taemin let go of the piercing a little later, taking a deep breath as he was starting to calm down.

Minho was going to leave; he wasn’t going to stay and Taemin couldn’t handle losing anyone else. Not to speak of his obligation towards the chief. He had promised to protect his oldest daughter and instead of giving her the family she had always wanted, he gave her a dead child that killed her.

He couldn’t choose Minho.

It was as simple as that.

This was the point where he needed to stop, where he had to pull away; he didn’t know if he could handle the consequences if he didn’t.

Minho pov

After Taemin had run off, Minho didn’t m