In all of Bae Joohyun’s life, there wasn’t a moment she recalled she had loved anyone more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, or her high school friends.

 

By the time she finished high school, there came a big change where she would no longer be just Bae Joohyun anymore, she would be Bae Joohyun and Irene Bae. It was foreign to her– almost because what did Irene mean? Who was she meant to be in such a short time? Was it short? She trained for years alongside another trainee, Kang Seulgi– who trained two years longer than her. It was weird almost. Spending so much time with a single person reaching for a common goal– a common dream and all. Knowing Kang Seulgi for years meant something for her, but it did not warrant her to love the younger woman more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, or her high school friends, but she was there in the list of who she loved, but she just did not feel the need or want to love Seulgi more than those in her life.

 

Coming forth, the third year that she was still a trainee in 2012, there was a quiet trepidation that tickled the nape of Joohyun’s neck and made Seulgi’s stomach wring itself tightly until she could not eat or speak a word of it. They were still young– well maybe Seulgi was still younger by a short margin, which only made Joohyun’s worries heavier on her shoulders because she was twenty-one already, which wasn’t the usual age for an idol to debut, but sweet Kang Seulgi was still nineteen, the perfect age– Joohyun supposes.

 

Trainees began to pack up in the shared dorms and left, and the sliver of hope began to diminish in Seulgi’s childlike eyes, and Joohyun? The hope in Joohyun’s eyes left some time ago, taking a bit of her smile away too. It was hard, if Joohyun was being honest. There wasn’t such luxury, it was pure hard work and there were let downs, after let downs, so forgive Joohyun if she began to lose hope, but she wouldn’t leave Seulgi– no. Not after the moments they’ve shared on quiet days.

 

Quiet days that began to cease to exist after a day Joohyun would call the most special in her life. A day she would remember for the rest of her life because she met Son Seungwan from Canada, who wasn’t so sure about her korean or who wasn’t so sure about Joohyun’s watchful eyes. You’ll have to forgive Joohyun for that too because she didn’t mean to stare so hard when Seungwan and Sooyoung entered the room and bowed deeply to the remaining trainees. 

 

There was no instant spark, no small gasp, and no immediate interest, except for the curiosity of two new trainees in an unforgiving company with trainees barely enough to form one whole group, so Joohyun had doubts, many doubts.

 

And the doubts diminished in more ways than one because Seungwan always smiled brightly, stood tall even if she wasn’t, and held a voice within that spoke to all of Joohyun’s nerves and senses. The following two years, four girls including Joohyun were lined up for a debut and Joohyun remembers the moment she wanted to take care of Seungwan for as long as she could. It was late, quite late for anyone really, to still be in the company practise rooms because it was almost one in the morning and it was questionable that someone would still be here. Although Joohyun hadn’t considered it to be questionable for her to be up so late in the company either since she just wanted to perfect her dancing for the debut tomorrow at Music Bank alongside Seulgi and Joy, so forgive her for the lack of thinking.

 

It doesn’t take much thought for Joohyun to open the door to the room– startling poor Seungwan, who in return startles Joohyun too after the boisterous welcome.

 

"Unnie?! Holy !” Seungwan drops the microphone after standing up and the screech noise makes its way to Joohyun’s ears, which is unpleasant to hear. Seungwan picks up the microphone immediately to stop the noise after seeing the way Joohyun had raised her small hands to her ears so quickly.

"Swearing at your unnie, really?” Joohyun teases and the tip of Seungwan’s ears burn red.

"S-sorry.” Seungwan clears before plopping down to the floor again. Joohyun came forward and shuffled to the floor about a metre and a half in front of the younger girl.

 

"What are you still doing here so late, Seungwan?” Joohyun asks as she props her chin atop her knee.

"I just wanted to practise a little more.. y’know, since I have a big part.” Seungwan scratches at her nape. Joohyun finds that habit adorable.

"Seungwan, there’s no way you will mess up the song. You’ve practised over and over, and it’s perfect. You’re perfect.” Joohyun tells her truthfully.

"Y-you think that of me?” Seungwan blinks a bit surprised.

"Of course I do. No one in the world sings like you, Seungwan.” Joohyun smiles and her ears feel warm from the way Seungwan lights up and grins until the lights in the room become too dim to compare to her smile. 

"Thank you, unnie.. that’s really nice for you to say.” Seungwan ducks her head with a shy expression and the blue dyed tips of her hair bounce slightly. Joohyun inches closer until her foot touches Seungwan’s.

"U-unnie?” Seungwan blinks when she feels as if Joohyun’s too close to her, to the point she could probably name the shade of pink in Joohyun’s hair too– down to the colour’s hex code.

 

"Your eyes are b red. You’re tired. You need sleep.” 

Joohyun’s words don’t really register in Seungwan’s mind, Joohyun can tell by the blank expression Seungwan’s face. The next second, Seungwan is being pulled up by the arms, the microphone is turned off and left on the ground, the room lights are off, and then Joohyun’s dragging poor Seungwan out of the building.

 

"U-unnie- w-wait!” Seungwan’s desperate words fall on deaf ears because Joohyun is tired, it’s late, and she wants to be back in the dorm with Seungwan so she knows the girl is sleeping and safe. Seungwan doesn’t complain when they’ve reached the dorm a bit close to the company, so it was an easy walk, but it would have been easier if Seungwan hadn’t resisted in the first place.

 

Joohyun’s hand is still holding Seungwan’s by the time they’re at the dorm’s doorstep, still clasped around Seungwan’s clammy palm by the time they’re inside, and still interlocked by the time they’re standing outside of Seungwan’s room.

"Unnie? Are you.. are you mad at me?” Seungwan’s voice is small and Joohyun does a complete 180– turning around.

"Of course not.” Joohyun frowns.

"..you haven’t let go of me, so it says.. otherwise.. kind of.” Seungwan blushes and Joohyun’s eyes travel down to where she had been holding Seungwan’s hand. She pulls away and drops Seungwan’s hands like she had touched hot searing coal.

"S-sorry.” It’s uncharacteristic for Joohyun to stutter at such matters.

"S’alright.” Seungwan smiles and shrugs.

"Go wash up, I’ll be here.” Joohyun nudges her and Seungwan nods.

 

Seungwan brushes her teeth and goes into her room to change into her pyjamas. Joohyun then assumes it’s an appropriate time to enter the girl’s room.

 

"Have you fallen asleep yet, Seungwan?” Joohyun asks as she pokes her head in just to find Seungwan brushing her hair.

"Nope.” Seungwan smiles.

"I’ll tuck you in.” Joohyun doesn’t ask or offer it because she knows she’ll do it either way.

"I’m not five.” Seungwan pouts.

"I’d like to say otherwise.” Joohyun chuckles as Seungwan still cambers into bed and waits for Joohyun to tuck her in properly.

 

Joohyun arranges Seungwan’s pillow and pulls the comforter over so it covers the younger girl properly.

 

"Unnie?” Seungwan says quietly.

"Hm?” Joohyun sits on the edge of the bed beside Seungwan.

"Are you scared,” Seungwan chews on her bottom lip. “Are you scared for tomorrow when we debut in front of all those people?” 

Joohyun sighs and know she’ll have to say something encouraging because she is the leader of their group, but to be honest– she herself is scared of what’s to come, and in the quaint room of Seungwan, she feels like she doesn’t have to lie and be someone she’ll grow to become.

"I won’t lie to you, Seungwan. I’m terrified.” Joohyun says gently and Seungwan smiles encouragingly. “Such much has passed in such little time, and I’m afraid of how to act on stage, how to talk to people and just how to manage to be a leader of our group. So to be frank, I am so scared, Seungwan.” Joohyun swallows.

"You don’t have to be, Joohyun-unnie.” Seungwan holds onto Joohyun’s hand tightly. “You don’t have to be scared at all because Seul will be there, Joy will be there, and… I will too.” 

 

Joohyun smiles so wide, her cheeks begin to ache.

 

"You’re sweet- and it’ll be Irene-unnie from tomorrow, remember?” Joohyun giggles.

“Of course, I won’t forget, Irene-unnie.” Seungwan grins and waves their clasped hands around. 

“You will do well tomorrow. You’ve always done well.” Joohyun tells her.
“You will do well tomorrow too, unnie. With me, Seul and Joy. You have us and we have you.” Seungwan grins and Joohyun feels warm.

“Yeah. I have you.” Joohyun smiles.

 

Seungwan pats the spot beside her where it seems like there’d be enough room for a second person if they were small and liked to cuddle– and Joohyun was small and wouldn’t turn down any warmth.

 

"Unnie, sleep here tonight. You look like you’re falling asleep.” Seungwan says and yes, Joohyun does feel tired at that point.

"Okay.” Joohyun doesn’t turn away the offer, instead she slides in until she’s facing Seungwan and they’re nose to nose.

"Sleep well okay? We have big days ahead of us, Seungwan.” Joohyun brushes Seungwan’s hair away from her face. 

"Let’s make a promise.” Seungwan wriggles in the bed and Joohyun chuckles.

"Promise?” Joohyun smiles.

"Yes. Let’s promise no matter what happens, we’ll always have each other.” Seungwan proposes and Joohyun giggles and rubs her socked feet against Seungwan’s.

"You’re so cheesy.” Joohyun laughs and Seungwan still smiles. “But it’s sweet.. you’re sweet.” 

"So promise?” Seungwan asks again and Joohyun nods.

"I promise that you’ll always have me, Son Seungwan.” Joohyun affirms.

"Okay, but tomorrow I’ll be Wendy and you’ll be Irene-unnie, remember?” Seungwan reminds her when Joohyun calls her by her korean name.

"Of course, Wendy,” Joohyun chuckles. “But you’ll always be Seungwan to me, Seungwan-ah.” 

 

Neither knows who falls asleep first, but Joohyun’s sure she was last because the last thing she saw before her heart began to thump loudly, and before her palms began to feel clammy was Seungwan’s long lashes on closed eyelids and slight pouty lips as she slept because impulsively, Joohyun had leant forward and pressed a kiss so dangerously close to Seungwan’s mouth, but only reaching the corner of her lips above her chin. 

 

Joohyun doesn’t jump away because it’ll have to mean something and it will cause Seungwan to stir, so instead she backs away a little and lets go of Seungwan’s hand she had been holding onto.

 

Big days, huh, Seungwan-ah?

Let’s hope we make it.

 

 

 

 

 

So when they’re standing on stage the next day, costumes secured and hair curled, Irene turns to Seungwan and finds her hand trembling. Joohyun reaches for her and squeezes Seungwan’s hand.

"You will do well. You’ve always done well.” Joohun repeats what she had said the night before and Seungwan smiles widely.

"Thank you, unnie. You will too.” Seungwan says before the staff begin to call them to get ready.

 

The cheers get loud and their backs face the audience like how their choreography should be. Joohyun can’t help but want to look at Seungwan again, to make sure the younger girl is alright, so she does. She leans back to peer behind Joy and finds Seungwan looking right back at her. Joohyun blinks a little surprised and Seungwan only grins her widest, and Joohyun falls in love with the way the corners of Seungwan’s lips lilt up to frame her gorgeous smile, the way Seungwan’s eyes crinkle at the edges when she smiles, and the way her nose scrunches up so cutely.

 

Her heart beats loudly against her chest– no, it bangs against her chest, threatening to tear out it’s way from her ribs and flesh to skip over to Seungwan and fall into her warm hands because it doesn’t take so long for Joohyun to realise that there’s something else about Seungwan that makes her love the younger girl unlike how she loves the other members. Call it favouritism, but Joohyun doesn’t call it at all because it makes her feel uneasy when Seungwan’s still smiling back at her wide as ever, and Joohyun feels like she might just go into cardiac arrest because in all of Bae Joohyun’s life, there wasn’t a moment she recalled she had loved anyone more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, or her high school friends.

 

Nothing warrants her to love anyone else over her family, but there’s Seungwan smiling so bright at her, who holds her hand tightly, and radiates so much sunshine and warmth– Joohyun cannot help but want to put Seungwan above all in all categories because Joohyun likes Seungwan the most, she likes Seungwan more than her mom and dad– Seungwan is just her favourite in the world, and she wants Seungwan to think like that too, which was some false sense of hope sweet young Joohyun had.

 

So please like me too?

Like me, like how I like you?

Only like me, please?

 

 

And so by the time it’s been years into their success as Red Velvet and the addition of their new maknae, Yerim, Joohyun does recall a time where she wasn’t Irene for a mere moment, and she can recall in that moment that she loved Seungwan more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, and her high school friends.

 

 

Joohyun wakes up in a cold sweat one day when she realises she loves Seungwan. 

 

 

 

 

–

–

–

 

 

 

 

 

Joohyun’s awake and cooking breakfast for the members and her eyes glance behind her to Seungwan’s door where she would usually wake up first when Joohyun made breakfast. It comes as a surprise later when Seulgi is the first one to walk out with Yerim bumping into her on the way to the bathroom. Seulgi leans her body weight on the kitchen counter and she peers around curiously as if she was looking for something.

 

"Looking for Seungwan?” Irene voices out.

"Yeah, how’d you know?” Seulgi says.

"Because Seungwan usually wakes up before you and it’s strange not to find her here first, right?” Irene says and Seulgi blinks at her.

"You were curious too?” Seulgi asks and Irene only nods.

"Should I wake her?” Seulgi tilts her head as if asking Irene for permission.

"She was probably tired last night, so let her sleep. There’s plenty of food for her later.” Irene decides although something tickles the nape of her neck.

"There won't be plenty of food if she doesn’t wake up because I’ll eat her servings.” Seulgi grins mischievously, and Irene laughs.

"Yah.” She warns, but only laughs after because Seulgi makes this face when she’s being reprimanded.  

 

Sooyoung comes out and Yerim does too, and Seulgi and the two maknaes eat heartily at the breakfast Irene’s prepared, but the tickle at her nape begins to gnaw at her neck until she’s forced to glance at a closed door again.

 

She doesn’t know what it means at that point, but she knows it’ll mean something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They're in the van on the way back to the dorm after a scheduled shoot, Seulgi’s knocked out, Yerim is too, Sooyoung’s on her phone probably texting the boy she had been seeing, and Seungwan’s there. Staring. Joohyun pretends she doesn’t feel the eyes burning into the back of her head as she looks out the car window. She pretends that in the reflection of the window, she doesn’t see Seungwan’s sad eyes because then it’ll mean something Irene will not allow to happen.

 

When she sees Seungwan turn away and close her eyes, Joohyun deems it safe to look. To turn and look at such beauty that she loves above all because Seungwan does things to her mind and heart and Joohyun cries every day about it, while Irene can only stare. Can only steal quiet glances and be selfless because to be selfish, she’ll be Joohyun who is meant to be selfish. As Irene, she is not meant to be selfish, only a leader who puts everyone else above all because there is nothing that matters for her to be selfish. If she’ll be selfish, then she won’t put everyone above all because she’ll only wish to put only Seungwan in that spot of selfishness.

 

When she wakes Seungwan up– well before that, Seungwan’s eyes are moving left-right under closed eyelids and Joohyun almost immediately assumes it’s a bad dream, so she wakes her up. Seungwan wakes up and looks right into her eyes and Joohyun sees the way Seungwan takes in her features and searches for something in Joohyun’s eyes. It makes Joohyun feel seen, so she steps back and her jacket doesn’t feel warm enough for this weather anymore.

 

They follow up to the dorm quietly and enter quietly. Joohyun musters her best smile and turns back to Seungwan. Something about bidding Seungwan good night feels cruel in her head, like she doesn’t want the day to end, and Joohyun wants it to mean something else like they might sleep in the same room again and look at each other with such warmth, but it’s a different time and not these stupid wishes Joohyun keeps making in the quiet nights of her room.

 

"Night, Seungwan. Sleep well.” Irene turns around as she releases her hair from the hair clip and retreats to her room. Joohyun closes the door until it clicks and she leans back up against her door with closed eyes. 

 

 

You're Irene.

Don't forget, Joohyun-ah.

 

  

 

 

 

"Sooyoung-ah, are you feeling okay?” Irene finishes wiping down the kitchen table and finds Sooyoung sitting on the couch, looking distracted as ever.

"Hm? Oh- I was just”, Sooyoung falters for a second. “Nothing, I’m just tired.” 

Not missing the slip-up after years of knowing these girls, Irene however lets it pass. “Okay. must be tired from the filming, hm?”

"Yeah. just that.” Sooyoung nods carefully and turns away. The look on Sooyoung’s face doesn’t leave though, so Joohyun walks over after discarding the rag into the sink and sits down beside Sooyoung on the couch.

"You can talk to me, Sooyoung-ah. You have something on your mind, no?” Irene rearranges Sooyoung’s bangs.

"I…I guess I do.” Sooyoung sighs and leans back into the couch cushions. Joohyun follows the actions and sits the same as Sooyoung, swallowed up by the couch.

"What's going on in your little mind, Sooyoung-ah?” Irene smiles and asks softly.

"It’s just… y’know, Wendy-unnie’s been sleeping a lot, right?” Sooyoung begins and Irene nods. “She dreams a lot too, she told me.”

 

Joohyun props herself on the couch cushion comfortably to sit up a little to face Sooyoung better.

 

"Is that not a good thing?” Irene asks.

"No.” Sooyoung shakes her head. “She dreams happily, but when she wakes up, it’s like.. it’s like she forgets where she is and who she is.” Sooyoung says and Irene frowns.

"Is that why you’re worried?” Irene asks quietly and Sooyoung nods.

Irene grabs a hold of Sooyoung’s hand. “...I don't think that’s something so worrying, Sooyoung-ah. If she’s happy, then I don’t think there’s much to do to stop her until she realises it herself.” Irene speaks gently.

"And if she doesn’t realise? What happens if she keeps dreaming until she forgets about us and only cares about whoever she’s loving in her dreams?"

 

 

She… Seungwan loves someone in her dreams?

 

 

 

 

Joohyun lies awake that night thinking about Seungwan. She thinks about the instances over the years where Seungwan had met people and she thinks hard, until her brain feels like it’ll explode. She tries to think of faces, hands, gestures, and just anything, but nothing actually comes up to help ease her mind and heart. Only a green shadow looms over her when she succumbs to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

Joohyun’s been busying herself all day in her room rearranging things, and cleaning because Seulgi is out for a shoot, Sooyoung’s still filming, Yerim’s in her room, and Seungwan was asleep the last time Joohyun had peeked through a small crack in Seungwan’s room before closing the door quietly. She walks back out and passes by Yeri’s room and backtracks for a moment– thinking she’s been hearing things.

 

"...what the fracking- was up her … my god.. so annoying! Ugh!" The string of curses and rambling from Yerim’s room yanks Joohyun out of her reverie because she really doesn’t expect such foul words coming from the maknae this late in the night. Joohyun heads over to Yerim’s room and knocks on the door and waits for a few seconds after hearing rustling from the inside and then the door opens.

"Yes, unnie?” Yerim blinks innocently.

“The walls are quite thin, Yeri-ah.” Irene smirks and Yerim smiles sheepishly.

"Sorry.” Yerim scratches her nape.

"Who are you cursing out today?” Irene asks and Yerim blinks.

"Uh- no one… no one in particular.” Yerim’s mouth twitches and Irene finds it too easy to tell when the maknaes were lying or hiding something.

"You can tell me. I won’t tell.” Irene shrugs and it takes barely a second for Yerim to cave and invite her unnie into the room where they sit side by side on the edge of her bed.

 

Yerim stands up and paces for a second and Irene watches her curiously. She sits back down quickly and the action makes the bed wobble a bit.

 

"It’s about Wendy-unnie.” Yerim begins.

 

Oh.

 

"You.. you don’t look surprised?” Yerim tilts her head. 

"Hm? It’s nothing.” Irene shakes her head.

"Sooyoung talked to you too?” Yerim asked.
“Yeah.. she did tell me about her worries.” Irene sinks into the bed.

"Knew it.” Yerim sighed.

"But you don’t sound as worried as Sooyoung, you sound a little more pissed.” Irene inquires.

"That’s because I am!” Yerim jumps back up and paces again.

"Earlier, I tried being nice y’know, laying down an olive branch or some because y’know, I haven’t seen Wendy-unnie as often now, and I missed her so I asked her how she was and told her I was worried about her, and you know what she says”, Yerim throws up her hands in frustration. “Then don’t care.” Yerim mocks Wendy.

“It’s, ugh! She’s so selfish!” Yerim plops back onto the bed with more force than the last time– making Irene sway a bit.

 

"Yerim-ah, your words aren’t kind right now. Can’t you see Seungwan’s going through something right now?” Irene says considerately. 

"I know she is, that’s why I told her she can talk to me! To us!” Yerim pouts and Irene pats her back gently.

"Sooyoung-unnie’s worried, Seulgi-unnie’s too scared to say anything and you unnie… you can see it too, can’t you?” Yerim sighs and her shoulders drop. A conflicting emotion creeps into Joohyun’s body and grasps at her shoulders until they’re tight and upright.

 

God.

 

She knows– Joohyun knows too ing well what Seungwan’s been up to and some part of her is angry that Seungwan will waste away at her time and ruin herself for the excuse of some love story at the expense of her well-being.

 

"I-I…I know, Yerim-ah. I know.” Irene smiles softly and holds Yerim’s hands caringly. “But we can only help if she wants it. When she’s ready to talk to us, she will.” 

"Well it .” Yerim huffs.

"I’ll talk to her about it, okay?” Irene coaxs Yerim.

"Okay. make sure you knock some sense into her head or just knock her over the head.” Yerim shrugs before laying flat on the bed.

"Okay, Yerim-ah.” Irene chuckles before exiting the room with anger for Seungwan.

 

 

 

 

It doesn’t surprise her really, the way Seungwan’s looking at her after she’s confronted the younger woman about the way she’s been treating everyone, but a part of Joohyun feels wrong doing this because Seungwan hadn’t been treating Joohyun differently– Seungwan hadn’t been treating Joohyun at all. They only have short conversations because Joohyun finds if she’s talking to Seungwan for too long she’ll spiral, so she does best to keep it short. 

 

God, Joohyun would be blind to pretend that Seungwan hadn’t been acting stranger than usual– spending time in her room sleeping away her life because Joohyun does see it, she feels it in her bones she once did it years ago and it did nothing for her, it only ruined her.

 

Irene huffs at Seungwan’s distasteful words and a crease of anger settles between Irene’s eyebrows.

 

Joohyun watches quietly with her arms folded across her chest as Seungwan leans on the kitchen counter to rest her head on her arms.

 

You’re hurting too, am I wrong?

 

"I get that you might be going through something, Seungwan, but you have us. You have me, you can talk to us. You can tell me things, Seungwan.” Irene speaks gently, trying to voice out her own thoughts about Seungwan’s dreams and all.

 

"I know.” Seungwan sighs into her palms.

 

And then it’s quiet.

Joohyun needs to cut her words short because she’ll feel that tickle at the nape of her neck and will want something more– something selfish. 

 

 

"...always being the great leader, unnie.” Seungwan quips and Irene clenches her jaw.

"What is that supposed to mean?” Irene asks sharply.

"It means nothing…” Seungwan trails off and there’s that look in her eye only a fool like Joohyun could recognise. It wants more, Seungwan’s eyes– Seungwan wants more. Joohyun can tell and it pains her to be so mean, but she doesn’t mean it at all, she wants to run to Seungwan, hug her carefully and pepper kisses all over Seungwan because she’s in love, love, love with her.

But Irene only clenches her jaw and sighs, “Just apologise to Yerim. You were mean to her.”

“What about me?” Seungwan’s eyes don’t meet Joohyun’s. “You were pretty mean to me too. Do I get an apology?” 

No, Joohyun doesn’t know what Seungwan means by that, but there’s still that look in her eyes– one that Joohyun terribly wants to get rid of by maybe a simple touch, but it won’t be as simple at all. It won’t be.

 

 

Joohyun’s resolve falls as she watches Seungwan push past her– push her away and walk back to her room. Joohyun goes back to her room and doesn’t make breakfast because she can’t bring herself to because she’s on the floor of her room as silent tears dribble onto the cold hardwood floor of the dorm.

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, Joohyun smiles happily after yesterday’s aftermath because she’s had quite the productive morning. She had done all the laundry, and folded all the clothes and sweeped the dorm. She enters each member's room quietly to put their clothes in their room, so they can hopefully pack it away, but Joohyun knows Yerim will leave it on her desk chair until it becomes an unfolded pile of clothes, Sooyoung will take it apart so she can wear the clothes again, Seulgi will shove it haphazardly into her wardrobe and Seungwan… Seungwan will place it on her desk and put it in her wardrobe later in a neat manner. 

 

Before going into Seungwan’s room, Joohyun had hesitated with a hand on the doorknob and the other hand under a pile of clothes. She hopes that the lavender fabric softener she used on this set of clothes hadn’t been too strong because Joohyun likes her clothes with the strong scent, but Sooyoung had complained about it once saying that they might need to restock since it felt like Joohyun had used all of the two-litres of the fabric softener on the clothes in one load, which she hadn’t but she will admit she has always been a little generous on the detergent.

 

With a deep breath, Joohyun pushed through and placed the pile on the edge of Seungwan’s bed where her feet do not reach since she sleeps with her legs bent. She takes a look around shortly because it’s not often she’s in Seungwan’s room anymore and it feels foreign somehow, like she isn’t allowed in here because this is Seungwan’s sacred space she once shared with Joohyun, but she had stopped coming into the room years ago because she was afraid it had to mean something. It does mean something now, but Joohyun does not enter the room anymore. 

 

Joohyun sighs and looks at Seungwan’s angelic face sleeping, before opening the blinds and leaving the room quietly to prepare breakfast. While she’s cooking, she hears footsteps and a conversation. Yerim and Seungwan are in the hallway of the bathroom and they’re not talking so quietly because Joohyun hears it all and a small smile makes a home on Joohyun’s lips. It’s cute, Seungwan’s cute– the way she stumbles over her words when she apologises because she doesn’t really like apologising because she was the youngest in her family, so she got away with a lot of things, but when she doesn’t get away with it, she succumbs to embarrassment and regret in her own Seungwan way. It’s endearing and makes up one of the many reasons why Joohyun loves Seungwan.

 

That morning too, it seems like Seungwan has returned to her usual demeanour, the one the group had grown accustomed to, not the Seungwan’s that had been sleeping in the dorm these past weeks. 

 

They hold a conversation longer than usual because Joohyun gets carried away in the way Seungwan speaks with her warm voice and round eyes. She then finds Seungwan’s eyes filtering around the room, so she assumes she might be looking for Sooyoung to apologise to her too maybe.

"Joy had a shoot today.” Irene tells her.

"Oh, okay.” Seungwan nods.

 

It becomes quiet for a little while, but not so uncomfortable because Joohyun’s busy trying to clean up the mess she’s made in the kitchen after making kimchi fried rice, and Seungwan’s bringing the food over to the table quietly even though Joohyun hadn’t asked her to. It makes her smile and Seungwan’s presence doesn’t feel so bothersome even if she’s hovering around Joohyun to see if she needs help wiping down the counter or something.

 

 

 

When Seulgi returns, Joohyun sighs almost immediately because she cannot mistake the clinking noise in the bag Seulgi had just returned with beside the paper bag from the bakery nearby. 

"Seul, we’re not day drinking.” It’s an automatic reprimand for Seulgi from Joohyun because what even was the younger girl thinking.

"I didn’t buy them for now…” Seulgi huffs.

"Liar.” Seungwan snickers.

"Fine! I just thought y’know.. since we three are home and we’re not busy, I thought we could hang out like how we used to.” Seulgi shrugged and Joohyun softened at Seulgi’s words.

"That’s a pretty nice idea, actually.” Seungwan nods. 

 

Seungwan’s right. It is a pretty nice idea because when they were busy back then, they didn’t have time for each other at all. They only worked together, and when they went back home to the dorm, they went to bed immediately and spoke to each other little by little. When they used to be free during those days, Joohyun would keep a watchful eye on their maknaes because not on her watch was she going to allow two underage girls to drink in front of her, so later when Joohyun forcefully put them to bed, the three unnies would sneak out quietly to the living room floor and would share a couple soju bottles between them, sipping on them little by little as the talked about everything, nothing, and the stuff that lies between. Joohyun on those nights never drank too much because she was afraid she would say something about her feelings to Seungwan who sat beside her and didn’t have a clue about her feelings.

 

Joohyun blinks and finds Seulgi and Seungwan staring at her expectantly. She almost sighs because she can’t say no when Seulgi’s giving her puppy eyes or when Seungwan’s looking at her right in the eye.

"Fine.. but start later, it’s still too early.” Joohyun shakes her head and Seulgi smiles before skipping forward to hug both Joohyun and Seungwan. Joohyun almost freezes up when Seungwan’s shoulder to shoulder with her and she’s so glad Seulgi pulls away to put the stuff she bought away. Joohyun breathes out a shuddered breath and Seungwan’s smile is beaming– burning right into Joohyun’s soul.

 

 

 

 

 

Seulgi’s cheeks are beet red from the alcohol, and drinking so much after such a long time makes Joohyun realise she is a bit of a light-weight because she can’t stop giggling when Seungwan’s looking at her with such a gentle smile. 

 

Seungwan. Seungwan, Seungwan.

 

I love your eyes when they’re staring at me when I’m not looking, I love your smile when your eyes crinkle away and it makes me want to kiss the creases your smile makes, but I won’t because in some masochistic way, I like not being able to love you like how I want because I still have some parts of my resolve together. Joohyun giggles and laughs so hard until she’s crying and she can’t tell if she’s still laughing because Seungwan is so beautiful and lovely– so much that Joohyun wants to storm up to the clouds and yank god down by his beard and curse at him for making such a sweet creature that’ll never be hers.

 

 

 

They’ve moved to the balcony outside at some point and it’s freezing, and not in a nice way because Joohyun grew up in a warm place called Daegu, so she didn’t have to worry about such cold weather, but when she moved to Seoul, everything was different and everything changed. Seulgi’s kept on her puffer jacket since she went out to buy the soju earlier, and Joohyun kind of wants to yank it off the younger girl to keep herself warm, but she won’t because she knows Seulgi will be cold too.

 

Seungwan pops back into the dorm for a second and Joohyun’s eyes naturally follow the girl. Joohyun blinks in surprise when she comes back out with a jacket and a blanket. Seungwan walks over to her and Joohyun can feel the cautious gaze Seungwan has, but Joohyun doesn’t say anything– she feels as if she can’t because it suddenly doesn’t feel so cold anymore and she’s sure the tip of her ears are red. Seungwan silently drapes the jacket to cover Joohyun’s torso, and she drapes the blanket over Joohyun’s legs. 

"Thank you, Seungwan.” Irene swallows and settles back into the couch chair because she still feels woozy like she’ll pass out if she doesn’t rest her eyes for a moment. 

 

 

Joohyun awakens, although she hadn’t actually fallen asleep since the alcohol was rushing to her head and she wanted to rest her eyes. It usually takes a while for Joohyun to fall asleep and even at that, Joohyun’s still a light sleeper. Her eyes flutter open and she finds Seulgi and Wendy leaning on the balcony speaking, not in hushed tones and not speaking vocally either, just speaking. Raw and bare.

 

It doesn’t surprise her when Seulgi’s question is about Seungwan’s dreams, however all the words that tumble out of Seungwan’s mouth next does surprise her indeed.

 

"...what do you dream about, Wenwen?” Seungwan chuckles.

"Love.” Seungwan’s voice drips of honey and Joohyun hates how it makes her weak at the knees.

"Like dreams of being in love with someone?” Seulgi asks and Seungwan nods.

"Yeah.”

"Do I know this ‘someone’?” Seulgi leans closer to her and blinks.

"You do.” Seungwan blames it on the alcohol for her running mouth.

 

Joohyun looks at Seungwan’s back profile– no, she really stares because she cannot fathom what she’s hearing about Seungwan because she knows in some deep, twisted part of her heart, Seungwan loves her like she loves Seungwan, and it becomes a problem really because this cannot happen– not soon, later, in the next years, just ever. It can’t happen. It can’t.

 

"Can you tell me?” Seulgi asks and Seungwan shakes her head.

"Why not?” Seulgi hiccups.

"Because it won’t change anything.” Seungwan says and Joohyun frowns because she wants to ask why it won’t change anything, but she knows because she is also Irene and will not allow such change. She once dreamed of some change too, and in her dreaming she almost lost herself in the foolish callings of love and gentle Seungwan.

"Do you…do you love them so much that.. hmph…you dream of them almost every night?” Seulgi mumbles her words. 

"I do.” Seungwan smiles as she pats Seulgi’s head.

"Do they dream of you like you dream of them?” Seulgi blinks as her eyes begin to feel heavy.

"No. I doubt it.” Seungwan chuckles dryly.

 

I do.

I did.

I've dreamed of you too, Seungwan-ah.

 

"Why do you dream of them, then?” Seulgi frowns.

"Because this person doesn’t love me, but in my dreams they do.” Seungwan tells her.

 

I love you without dreams, I love you any day, anywhere.

 

"That’s.. huh. That’s confusing.” Seulgi’s brows are furrowed.

"Yeah… I guess it is for me too.” Seungwan sighs and Joohyun swallows because at some point it confused her too. Confused her so much, she could not bear to look at Seungwan because she wished she was loving Seungwan like how she wanted to, but it never happened and never will.

 

Joohyun doesn’t register that Seungwan’s looking back at her until she hears a small gasp and sees Seungwan’s eyes widen for a fraction of time. She feels seen, , bare and raw under Seungwan’s gaze because indirectly, she’s just heard a confession and Joohyun feels wrong for hearing it like she’s eavesdropped on big private matters. Joohyun turns away before her heart threatens to jump out again.

 

"Let’s get you two to bed.” Seungwan says.

 

 

Joohyun wants to pretend she can talk and take herself to her room, but the way she’s staggering with Seungwan’s arm under her says otherwise. A sense of deja vu barrels at Joohyun’s mind at full speed since it’s crawled out from the back of her mind. Seungwan’s standing above her as she drapes the comforter over Joohyun until Joohyun’s flat on her back and holding tight onto the blanket. 

 

It feels too Joohyun and Seungwan like that night Joohyun had tucked Seungwan in, but this time it was Seungwan who was doing it to Joohyun. Joohyun’s throat feels dry and maybe it’s the alcohol and her eyelids are getting heavy, but Joohyun reaches out before Seungwan leaves.

 

Stay.

 

She wants to say because it means something, it will mean something if she does say it, but she doesn’t because she can’t bring herself to.

 

"Seungwan-ah.” Joohyun sits up as she pushes the comforter down a bit, and pulls Seungwan back down to sit beside her.

"Unnie?” Seungwan blinks.

"You need to stop dreaming.” Joohyun almost wants to hit herself square on the head for her unfiltered talking, but she blames it on how pretty Seungwan looks in her room, and how she’s drunk because drunk people do a lot of things they won’t usually do. Joohyun trembles when Seungwan doesn’t say a word, and maybe she can play it off and fall asleep, but Seungwan doesn’t let her.

"...why?” Seungwan questions.

"Because it doesn’t feel good here”, Joohyun lazily places a hand on her own chest and then brings it to Seungwan’s chest where her heart should be on the left side. “Right? It hurts.” 

Seungwan smiles at her and takes her hand away to move it to the actual left side of her chest, since Joohyun dumbly had it on the right side. 

"It only hurts after. It feels good when I’m dreaming.” Seungwan says and Joohyun nods slightly because she was once there too.

"But you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Joohyun frowns and Seungwan shrugs. “I know.”

 

"Seungwan-ah.” Seungwan says and Joohyun is confused as to why she would call her own name.

"Hm?” Joohyun blinks.

"I want to hear you say my name like that.” Seungwan asks Joohyun and Joohyun realises that maybe in Seungwan’s dreams, she calls Seungwan like that, affectionately like the world doesn’t matter and only them two do. Seungwan closes her eyes and a wetness grows in Joohyun’s eyes.

"Seungwan-ah. Seungwan-ah, Seungwan-ah. Seungwan.” Do I call you like that in your dreams, Seungwan? Do I hold you like you’re so warm and fragile? Do I kiss you? Do I kiss you in places only I know in your dreams? 

 

I want to do that too.

I want you too.

 

It doesn’t matter to Joohyun in that moment when she’s lurching forward to place a kiss dangerously close to Seungwan’s lips, above her chin like she had once done when Seungwan was asleep just because she looked so pretty, but this time Seungwan is awake.

 

 

....

.

 

 

The weight and gravity of her choice doesn’t come crashing down on her like a ing plane until she mutters something about being drunk and Seungwan leaves her room like a ghost because Joohyun’s sure she’s just killed Seungwan. Joohyun brings her hands to her face and puffs out soju air and her chest is rising up and down quickly and hot tracking tears are dripping down her face without warning. She’s made a mistake, she’s messed up, how will Seungwan ever want to look her in the eye again? How can I still love Seungwan after what I’ve done?

 

Joohyun cries her soul out into her tear stained comforter, pillow and sheets– and some time later in the night, small arms wrap around her and she doesn’t figure it out or even thinks about it the next morning when she finds Yerim sleeping beside her, face buried in Joohyun’s back.

 

"Yerim-ah?” Joohyun speaks with a hoarse voice.

"..unnie?” Yerim stirs awake and Joohyun turns around to face her.

"When did you come in here?” Joohyun asks.

“Last night.. I heard you.” Yerim says quietly and Joohyun’s brows furrowed. Heard me? What was I- oh. I was crying.

“I didn’t want you to be alone even if you wanted to be alone, so I snuck in while you were crying and I hugged you until you fell asleep.” Yerim speaks so vulnerable, a new surge of tears begin to fall from Joohyun’s tired eyes. “U-unnie! I didn’t mean to make you very, I-I-” 

“Thank you, Yerim-ah.” Joohyun shakes her head and hugs Yerim as tight as she can. Joohyun clenches her eyes shut and wishes for everything to go back to normal, to go back to a world where Joohyun never fell in love with Seungwan, and a world where Seungwan never fell in love with Joohyun too. 

 

Because Son Seungwan who tears down all of Bae Joohyun’s walls and inhibitions, and leaves her bare and cold, but she won’t be cold under the love of Seungwan’s gaze. She can feel it, she knows it all too well because in the quiet of the night, Joohyun pretends the warmth of her own arms around herself is someone warm like the main vocalist doors away from her, but she dares not to dream.

 

 

 

 

When she has to face Seungwan, she paints a face that’ll cover up her love and longing gazes that she knows will work because it is a face she’s worn for the past decade in order to keep Seungwan safe and herself safe too.

 

Seungwan’s looking back at her with such pained eyes and a smile than won’t connect with her eyes, and Joohyun’s hand twitches– wanting to stalk over to Seungwan and hug her until she can’t breathe because Joohyun doesn’t like how Seungwan’s looking at her one bit, but she can’t change it because she did this. She did this to herself when she hadn’t painted her face to indifference because she was in her room with Seungwan, and her resolve was torn apart in a matter of seconds because Joohyun wants to lay bare in front of Seungwan, her love, but it won’t ever happen, even if Irene allows it.

 

Seungwan leaves and Joohyun lets out a ragged breath as a scream strangles itself in Joohyun’s throat. She crumbles down to the cold kitchen floor, and Yerim comes to hold her like she’s a small child. 

"You’re okay, you’re okay. I’m here.” Yerim speaks into her hair, and Joohyun cries silently as she shakes her head because, no– Joohyun wants Seungwan to be the one holding her and telling her useless reassurances because Seungwan’s words make her weak in the knees so she’ll believe Seungwan’s words and fall prey to love and false hope because after all, Bae Joohyun is only a fool in love. 

 

 

 

–

–

–

 

 

 

 

Joohyun’s good at acting, Yerim muses. Maybe that's why she was chosen to debut as an actor, but Yerim still sees the tired eyes and heavy heart when Joohyun tries to get back to normal, making breakfast for girls and smiling warmly. Yerim’s made a habit to check up on Joohyun and sleep beside her after piecing together why Joohyun had been sad for so long, and why Seungwan had been dreaming. 

 

Joohyun leaves Yerim to sleep as she gets up and enters the kitchen to prepare a simple and nice breakfast. She gets out fruits, ingredients for pancakes, and the equipment she’ll need. She prepares it quietly and her mind drifts away to Seungwan’s face that night she kissed her and she shuts her eyes tightly in an attempt to forget about it. 

 

"...Are you making breakfast?” Seungwan’s voice yanks her out of her reverie and Joohyun’s half a foot in the air with a squeak.

"Seungwan, you scared me!” Irene hisses and sweet Seungwan’s still able to crack a smile.

"Sorry.” Seungwan grins and Joohyun shakes her head with amusement.

"I am. Do you want me to sneak extra fruits for you?” Irene asks like things hadn’t changed for them. 

"Maybe a little more strawberries but not too much or else Seulgi will notice.” Seungwan says and Irene giggles, agreeing. “Okay.”

 

Joohyun turns away and her smile falls into her chewing on her bottom lip as she cuts more strawberries and puts them onto Seungwan’s plate. 

 

"...unnie?” Seungwan speaks up again and the small voice makes Joohyun stop at what she’s doing.

"Hm?” Irene turns around.

"Can you…” Seungwan hesitates. “Can you hug me?”

"Hug?” Joohyun blinks, her eyes widen for a small fraction, and her heart thumps harshly against her chest. Seungwan nods with a gulp.

"...please.” Joohyun falls weak at the knees at Seungwan’s plea. It feels wrong to even consider saying no when Seungwan’s here, in front of her, laid out bare and vulnerable.

 

Joohyun steps over without another word because some instinct kicks in her mind and she notices that Seungwan looks like she won’t tell her the reason for the sudden plea for affection, but no, Joohyun won’t question it because Seungwan’s being brave to seek this, even when Joohyun’s body shook each step she took to Seungwan. Joohyun closes her eyes and brings Seungwan into her arms like how she wished to, but it doesn’t feel right because they’re not in love, they’re in pain and denial– and Joohyun’s holding onto Seungwan so tightly because she’s afraid if she lets go and open her eyes, Seungwan will disappear right in front of her, and Joohyun can’t fathom that because she’d rather live in a world where they’re in pain and not together because they’ll still be there instead of a world where they’re in love and together. 

 

Seungwan rests her head on Joohyun’s shoulder and it takes all of her– past her breaking point not to take Seungwan there and kiss her senseless because it’s all too intimate for Joohyuns liking.

 

Seungwan steps away from the hug first and Joohyun’s hand twitches because she hadn’t want to let go so soon, but Seungwan’s eyes are filled to the brim with misery and suffering that Joohyun’s caused, so she won’t be selfish and want to hold Seungwan longer.

 

"...are you okay?” Hesitation trembles in Joohyun’s voice when she asks Seungwan because she really wasn’t thinking and wanted to hit herself over the head for asking such a question when she knows Seungwan isn’t okay after all Joohyun’s done to her.  

 

But, god— Seungwan smiles and Joohyun wants to fall at her knees and beg Seungwan to forgive her because she can’t pretend she can’t see the tears b in Seungwan’s eyes, but she has to because she is Irene from Red Velvet. She is a leader to Seulgi, to Sooyoung, to Yerim, and to Seungwan. She is not Bae Joohyun who will want to love Seungwan with all of her because no one has warranted Joohyun to love someone more than her family except Seungwan.

 

Son Seungwan– who dreams of being in love with Joohyun, where they hold hands, steal open glances, and kiss with fervour, but Joohyun does not dream. 

 

Bae Joohyun does not dream, doesn't dare to because she prefers stolen glances wide awake, where she’ll look over and count each individual eyelash of Seungwan’s because how can her set of eyelashes be so beautiful and frame her face so nicely? Such pretty doe eyes that Joohyun fell deep right into on the night almost a decade ago in that practice room, where she took Seungwan home and tucked her in warmly with a promise to always have each other in hopes of reaching a dream together, but they haven't had each really at all figuratively and physically because Seungwan won’t look her in the eye, and Joohyun can’t do it either  because Irene Bae does not love, does not dare to because of the world and the cruel hands of the world, but Bae Joohyun will love with her whole heart because Seungwan is not the world, she is only sweet, caring, and warm Seungwan who has gentle hands full love to give, but Joohyun will not receive it– no, she will not because she is Bae Irene for the time being… and for however long because she won’t want to be selfish. Not in this life where she is a leader of a rising girl group, and not since she has met Son Seungwan.

 

Because she loves, loves, loves Son Seungwan with all her being in her quiet dorm room because there– she is Joohyun who fell in love with Seungwan all those years ago, and not Irene who looks upon thousands on stage and wishes she could only be looking upon Seungwan’s whole being, alone.

 

 

 

"i'm okay."

 

 

 

Liar.

 

 

 

 

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