Seungwan’s developed a bad habit recently. She really really can’t help it because it’s all of her dreams come true, even if it’s a habit.

 

Sooyoung’s also noticed when she’s at the dorm and she peers into Seungwan’s room to find her curled up in her bed with her blanket draped atop her gently. She looks tranquil, at peace and happy, but Sooyoung knows she isn’t happy. She shouldn’t be happy like that– it isn’t healthy. Because when Seungwan wakes up and Sooyoung’s still there looking through the ajar door, Seungwan’s eyes are blank and she just doesn’t look so happy as she did asleep. She looks so tired even though she did just sleep for hours.

 

Sooyoung asks her about it one day in the dorm when she comes home late from a shooting. Sooyoung’s just got back to the dorm, and Seungwan’s just stepped out of her room with mussed hair and throat dry wanting water. Seungwan looks over once and nods her head in Sooyoung’s direction. She wordlessly stalks over to the fridge and brings out a chilled water bottle. Sooyoung watches Seungwan quietly and just stares– wanting to say something, so she does after a quiet while.

“You’ve been sleeping a lot lately.” Sooyoung starts off without any tonal change. Just a statement, and Seungwan smiles wide and Sooyoung is a little surprised by it.

“Yep. It’s been amazing.” Seungwan says and Sooyoung swallows and smiles too.

“Have you been dreaming?” She tries to keep her smile.

“Here and there.” Seungwan’s words are vague and it doesn’t make Sooyoung’s heart feel any lighter. “You should go to bed. It’s late.” Seungwan can see Sooyoung thinking and she cuts her off before she gets asked something she doesn’t want to answer.

“Okay.” Sooyoung watches Seungwan until she’s back in bed and the door closes completely with a resounding click.

 

Seungwan doesn’t know when she started dreaming, but maybe these few instances are her remembering instead. Maybe she has deluded herself so far, she just can’t help but remember and want so much more. The first dream she could recall was weird. It made her feel weird. Seungwan was just standing in a lavender field and there's a figure out in front of her– metres away and Seungwan has poor eyesight and she can only make out the long flowing brown hair and backside in a white dress as the wind begins to pick up. There’s something about the figure that makes her want to run up and hold them tightly– like it’d be warm and safe.

 

The wind blows hard enough and jolts Seungwan awake before she can make out a face. She’s so warm and feels so dry. Seungwan gets up and goes to the kitchen to get a drink. She heads to the fridge and as she walks into the kitchen, she passes by their leader– who smiles as she releases her hair from being up in a claw clip all day before retreating back into her room. Seungwan watches Irene close the door and as she takes a sip from the water, she feels as if it makes even drier because she makes a revelation. Irene’s hair is the same colour and length as the girl in Seungwan’s dream.

 

Seungwan doesn’t know what it means at that point.

 

 

The next time she has another dream, it’s after a group schedule and she’s back in the van for the drive back to the dorm. Yerim and Seulgi are both knocked out in the back, Sooyoung’s listening to music and busy texting her boyfriend maybe, Irene is staring out of the window forlornly, and Irene’s hair in her tight claw clip style is the only thing she can see. Seungwan wants to reach out to hold Joohyun’s hand warmly, and ask her what is on her mind, but she won’t because there are far too many eyes in the car for her to be vulnerable because then holding Joohyun’s hand will have to mean something for her to accept, and the others will need to know too, so instead she does not say a single word to Irene. She simply turns around to her window and drifts off into a light sleep. 

 

A sleep where she’s no longer in a lavender field, but she’s in a house. A small house that seems worn down by love and warmth, and Seungwan in her dream has just walked down the stairs to a beautiful aroma of something cooking. She wants to voice out, mom? But her mom isn’t quiet when she cooks, and she only knows one other person who cooks in such silence. She walks down the stairs and there’s a mirror on the side of the wall. Seungwan sees herself, and in all her glory is her bedhead and dressed in a hoodie. A hoodie that isn’t hers.

 

She walks down the kitchen and almost instinctively, she makes a right towards the kitchen. At the stove, a back is turned to her and it all just feels so warm. Seungwan’s throat feels dry when she swallows, but maybe because she’s just woken up in this dream. She walks towards the figure with their back facing her, and this time she’s sure– she is sure that she knows this person. The long loose brown hair, the height, the stance– everything is too familiar and it doesn’t make her feel so warm anymore. She feels afraid of what it means– it makes her nauseous.

 

“Seungwan-ah? Have you woken up?” Before the figure turns around, she blinks awake and their leader, Irene, is shaking her awake gently.

“We’re home, Seungwan.” Irene smiles and Wendy gulps nervously at how close Irene was. is so dry, and it’s not good to have it in such condition being a main vocalist and all. She nods and clambers out of the car as if she just hadn’t just wanted to throw up in her dream and in real life too a few minutes ago. She follows Irene up until the dorm and Irene turns back with a gentle smile and bids Wendy good night. 

“Night, Seungwan. Sleep well.” Irene turns around as she releases her hair from the hair clip and retreats to her room. Seungwan feels the feeling in her stomach again and heads for the bathroom.

 

 

 

It’s not that the thought of being in love with Irene revolts her– it’s not that at all. Seungwan’s just… she’s just not Wendy. Wendy is loud, crass, bold and brave, but Son Seungwan is young, naive, small, fragile and nothing close to brave. She will be Wendy everywhere to people– out in the open where people don’t really care for what she says, but in her small dorm room, she can be Son Seungwan who smiles sadly, who stares off at the wall for too long, and who dreams for too long because Seungwan is confined and should stay that way. She shouldn’t be Seungwan because it endangers her to foreign things like love, love, love. Foreign things that will bring her to her knees, where she will break down and beg Bae Joohyun to love her like she loves her, but she won’t. She will not because she is Wendy to you, to everyone, and first and foremost– to her.

 

So having to accept she is and has been in love with Joohyun is scary, new, nauseating, and she will pray to the gods and heavens for her feelings to disappear because this love is not a gift for her– no, it’s a godforsaken curse. One she has to endure, one she had been enduring for years because up until now, she has only just decided to acknowledge that she is irrevocably in love with Bae Joohyun.

 

 

–

–

–

 

 

 

 

A lack of schedules for the time being meant that Seungwan would be dreaming more. She had even bought melatonin gummies since she was too afraid of taking sleeping pills. She wanted to dream and sleep long, not potentially die in her sleep. She takes two before calling it a day after songwriting and doing absolutely nothing.

 

This time, she’s in bed and there’s warmth beside her. She blinks awake and her eyes trail up to find Joohyun sitting up in bed, reading a book with her glasses perched on the slope of her nose. A noncommittal croak arises from the back of Seungwan’s throat and Joohyun realises she’s awake.

 

“Good morning, my love.” My love, my love, my love– Joohyun’s voice tickles her soul and her dazzling smile, soft sleep skin and loose dishevelled brown hair makes Seungwan feel so loved.

Seungwan smiles as if she had done it over and over.

“Good morning.” Seungwan beams and Joohyun leans down to capture a kiss with her long hair tickling Seungwan’s face, but Seungwan cuts it short before their lips meet.

“Mhm, morning breath.” Seungwan shakes her head.

“Hasn’t stopped you before.” Joohyun giggles, and my god is it the most soothing melody Seungwan’s ever heard in her life.

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Joohyun smiles and her eyes are so full of mirth, something about it makes Seungwan want to cry.

“Just because.” Seungwan grins.

“Because why?” Joohyun had abandoned her book and glasses by then to instead lean over Seungwan completely with hands on both sides of the younger woman to trap her in the warm comforter.

“Because I love you.” 

 

Seungwan wakes up more disorientated this time around and she feels sweaty. She rolls out of bed and desperately needs a cold bottle of water, or maybe a cold shower if she couldn’t reach the kitchen in time. Each step she took felt heavier than the last, and when she made it to the kitchen thankfully, she sculled down three-quarters of the bottle. It made her chest hurt at how fast she drank it as she gripped the side of the kitchen counter to attempt at breathing properly.

 

“Wendy-unnie!” Sooyoung had just come home from her drama shoot and found her unnie hunched over the kitchen counter. She ran over to Wendy’s side immediately and had a hand on her back. “Unnie, are you alright?” 

Wendy just smiled and shook her head despite the weird feeling of not being able to breathe.

“Fine.. just.. just drank the water too f-fast.” Wendy in a hard breath and leaned back up.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re sweating, unnie.” Sooyoung sweeped Wendy’s bangs to the side of her face.

“Must’ve been warm when I slept.” Wendy shrugged. “I’m okay, Sooyoung. I’m fine.”

“Okay.” Sooyoung was worried to say the least.

“Now run along and get your to bed, we’re gonna wake up everyone else with all your fussing.” Wendy grimaces with an eye roll and Sooyoung backtracks a step.

“Okay.” Sooyoung nods as she watches Wendy enter her room and the door closes with a resounding click.

 

Click. 

 

 

 

 

“Wow, you look like .” Yerim comments when Seungwan exits her room.

“Thanks.” Wendy smiles sarcastically.
“I mean it.. you look like , unnie… are you.. have you been doing okay?” Yerim speaks quieter as she assesses her unnie who looks like she hasn’t seen sun in over a decade. 

Seungwan sighs loudly and rolls her eyes with a chuckle. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” 

“You’ve been in your room sleeping a lot.” Yerim doesn’t like confrontation, especially with her unnies.

“Shouldn’t that be considered a good thing?” Wendy asks as she gulps down a cold water bottle.

“It should be if it was six to eight hours.” Yerim states. “You’ve been oversleeping, and that’s just as unhealthy as not sleeping enough.”

“You shouldn’t worry, I’ve been doing fine, Yerim.” Wendy smiles.

“I worry because I care. We care.” Seungwan pretends she doesn’t hear how Yeri insinuates something on the ‘we’, as if she cannot be selfish and have to think about how everyone feels before herself.

“Then don’t care.” Wendy says wryly before re-entering her room.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you know that saying that you sometimes might not be able to tell if you're dreaming or not? And some people can only tell by small tell signs like not being able to read, not being able to tell time or seeing things they wouldn’t normally see. Right now, Seungwan can’t tell because she’s either sleeping and dreaming or Joohyun is standing above her right now. She knows she’s not dreaming because it feels cold and there’s no smile or fleeting touches to wake her up. It’s just Irene, standing at the foot of Seungwan’s bed with her hair up in a claw clip and arms over her chest. 

 

“What are you doing?” Wendy asks, voice groggy.

“You haven’t been yourself lately.” Is the first thing Irene says, and Wendy’s just woken up from a dream, so excuse her crankiness.

“Wow, that’s the first thing you say when you wake me up?” Wendy chuckles humorously. Irene’s taken aback as she frowns at Wendy’s tone. Wendy pushes her comforter aside and heads to the kitchen to grab a water bottle. Irene follows close behind, arms still folded.

“I don’t like how you’ve been speaking to us.” Irene stands beside the fridge as Wendy cracks open the bottle to take a sip.

“How have I been speaking?” Wendy sighs.

“Like you’ve suddenly decided the world isn’t sunshine and rainbows anymore.” Irene scoffs.

“Because it isn’t.” Wendy shrugs.

 

Irene huffs and Wendy can see the crease of anger that settles between Irene’s eyebrows.

“It doesn’t mean you have to treat everyone else around you like they don’t matter anymore. Like we don’t exist anymore.” Irene says.

 

Wendy leans forward and rests her head on her open palms against the kitchen counter. 

“I get that you might be going through something, Seungwan, but you have us. You have me, you can talk to us. You can tell me things, Seungwan.” Irene speaks gently like she’s a kid, and Seungwan doesn’t like it one bit.

 

I have you?

Do I at all?

…I don’t have you like I want to.

 

“I know.” Wendy sighs into her palms.

 

And then it’s quiet.

Irene doesn’t know what to say, and Wendy doesn’t know what Irene wants out of her.

 

“...I know I’m not the best leader out there, but I try to be. I want to be there for you all, even if you won’t let me. I don’t want there to be any conflict between the members, it’s not good, especially at this time.” Irene speaks and Wendy chuckles humorously.

“Always being the great leader, unnie.” She quips and Irene clenches her jaw.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Irene asks sharply.

“It means nothing…” We mean nothing. There isn’t a ‘we’ because you’re Irene, Red Velvet’s leader, and I’m Wendy from Red Velvet. We are not Bae Joohyun and Son Seungwan even if we could try.

“Just apologise to Yerim. You were mean to her.” Irene sighs.

“What about me?” Wendy doesn’t look up to meet Irene’s eyes. “You were pretty mean to me too. Do I get an apology?” Do I get an apology for how easy and unknowing it was for me to fall in love with you? Do I get an apology for how mean you were not to notice my turmoil when you smiled too prettily? Wendy glances up to find Irene’s confused eyes.

 

Bless her heart.

She won’t ever know what I mean.

 

“What are you talking about, Seungwan?” Irene’s brows are furrowed with worry. Wendy just smiles.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it, I’ll talk to Yerim.” She walks past Irene and doesn’t spare another glance. She goes back to her room and climbs straight back into bed because she can talk to Yerim tomorrow morning, but for now, she’ll want to dream to forget.

 

 

 

It's different this time. They’re in high school and Seungwan’s just entered the school library, from what she can see. Students are scattered everywhere on the table and between bookshelves– and there's a peculiar bookshelf no one goes to all the way in the back of the library. It seems that Seungwan’s been there though as her feet take her there immediately. She was right when she thought she had been here before because there in her glory was Bae Joohyun leaning up against a bookshelf, waiting.

 

“I’d never thought you’d be someone to make a lady wait.” Joohyun grins and Seungwan smiles.

“Ha, ha. I got held back by our music teacher, something about wanting me to join the music show.” Seungwan says dismissively as she enters Joohyun’s arms that wrap around her waist so easily.

“Did you join?” Joohyun asked.

“I told her I would think about it.” Seungwan shrugged before leaning forward until Joohyun’s back hit the self again. The kiss wasn’t forceful nor rushed. It was gentle and intimate between dusty literature and quietness. Joohyun leaned back slightly and Seungwan leaned forward a little– not wanting to let go.

“You should do it.” Joohyun tells her. “Anyone would be blessed to hear you sing.” 

“Always flattering me, my love.” Seungwan chuckles and Joohyun kisses her this time. Joohyun’s arms wrap themselves around Seungwan’s neck and she buries her face away in Seungwan’s neck. 

“It tickles.” Seungwan giggles hushedly.

“It’s not my fault you smell so good.” Joohyun kisses the side of Seungwan’s neck and Seungwan releases a shuddered breath.

“Oh yeah, what do I smell like?” Seungwan speaks in a low voice. 

“Lavender.”

 

Seungwan’s eyes flutter open and the sun immediately invades her line of sight. Her blinds were open and the window was open slightly. Her blinds were closed before she slept. She sat up and felt her body ache from laying down for too long. She looked around her room and found a pile of neatly folded clothes at the foot of her bed. She gets a waft of lavender laundry detergent as she moves the clothes to her desk. The door was closed, and the open blinds, sunlight, and folded clothes could only tell her that Irene was in her room in the morning. It made Seungwan feel strange somehow.

 

She exited her room and spent a good twenty minutes in the bathroom freshening up and as well as staring at herself in the mirror. It’s strange, Seungwan thinks. Even after all the sleep she’s been getting, it looks like her dark circles have worsened. When she comes out of the bathroom, she bumps into Yerim and her first instinct is to grab hold of Yerim’s wrist.

“Yerim-ah.” Wendy calls out softly.

“Unnie?” Yerim blinks.

Wendy clears and takes a breath.

“I just want to.. apologise… for how I spoke to you yesterday…Sorry.” Wendy gluped sheepishly and Yerim smiled softly.

“It’s okay.” Yerim shrugs.

“It was uncool.” Wendy says.

“Yeah it was, but at least you apologised. Not many people do that.” Yerim says and Wendy chuckles.

“So.. we’re good?” Wendy asks.

“Yep.” Yerim nods.

“Okay. Love you, Yerms.” Wendy calls back out as Yeri heads to her room.

“Love you too, unnie.” Yerim chuckles.

 

 

 

Wendy walks into the kitchen, wanting to eat something since she doesn’t remember the last time she ate. 

 

In the kitchen, she finds Irene at the stove with her back facing towards Seungwan. Irene’s hair is neatly pulled back in a hair clip as she cooks. Seungwan feels a sense of deja vu, but ignores it as she walks into the kitchen.

 

“Morning, unnie.” Wendy greets politely.

“Good morning, Seungwan.” Irene smiles warmly after hearing Yeri and Wendy’s exchange.

“Watchu making?” Wendy asks.

“Kimchi fried rice. Seulgi asked for it.” Irene says and Wendy nods.

“Where is Seul, by the way?” Wendy asks.

“She said she wanted to go buy bread.” Irene shrugged and Wendy chuckled.

Typical.” Wendy shook her head.

 

Wendy peers around the dorm and when she returns back to Irene, Irene is meeting her eyes.

“Joy had a shoot today.” Irene says, even though Wendy hadn’t asked.

“Oh, okay.” Wendy nods.

 

It becomes quiet for a little while, but not so uncomfortable because Irene is busy cleaning up the kitchen and plating the food, while Wendy places the food on the table and hovers around to see if Irene needs any help.

 

 

When Seulgi returns, there's a clinking noise in the plastic bag she’s holding and Irene looks unimpressed, while Wendy is somehow impressed.

“Seul, we’re not day drinking.” Irene reprimands the younger woman, and she can only stand there and grin sheepishly.

“I didn’t buy them for now…” Seulgi huffs.

“Liar.” Wendy snickers.

“Fine! I just thought y’know.. since we three are home and we’re not busy, I thought we could hang out like how we used to.” Seulgi shrugged and Wendy smiled at this sweet creature.

“That’s a pretty nice idea, actually.” Wendy nods. She does miss it somehow. When their maknaes were still underaged, at night time, the three eldest used to sit around the living room couch on the floor and take turns sipping on soju bottles as they talked about everything, nothing and the stuff between. Over the years, their tolerance grew, but the bottles grew less since they didn’t have as much time anymore, but now they do. 

 

Wendy turns to Irene and smiles, and Irene finally relents.

 

“Fine.. but start later, it’s still too early.” Irene shakes her head and Seulgi smiles and hugs both Wendy and Irene, and brushes past them to put the bread on the table, and the soju in the fridge.

 

 

 

They do start later indeed, after a game of scissors-paper-rock, Seulgi’s cheeks are red, Irene is giggling, and Wendy is enamoured by Irene.

 

Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun.

 

How can someone be so beautiful? Seungwan wants to ask the universe. She also wants to ask the universe what the did she do to deserve to fall in love with Joohyun. How could the universe do this to her? Curse her to something so tangible and intangible all at once.

 

They’ve moved to the balcony outside at some point and it’s freezing, but it’s nice in a way. It doesn’t affect Wendy as much as it should since she built an indifference for the cold after years of living in Canada and the unrelenting snow. Seulgi’s kept on her puffer jacket since she went out to buy the soju earlier, and Irene– small, fragile, pretty Irene is on one of the chairs on the balcony with her teeth chattering and eyes closed. It makes Seungwan want to laugh and cry. 

 

So delicate.

 

 

Seungwan pops back into the dorm for a second and she brings out a jacket and a blanket too. She silently drapes the jacket to cover Irene’s torso, and she drapes the blanket over Irene’s legs. Irene watches Seungwan’s actions quietly and curiously, but she doesn’t say anything. 

“Thank you, Seungwan.” Irene’s eyes flutter open and close again as she smiles. Seungwan just nods and takes a step back to lean against the balcony beside Seulgi.

 

“You’ve been doing good, Kang Seul?” Wendy asks and Seulgi turns to her all red cheeked and dopey smiled.

“Mhmmm.. very good. The weather is nice, isn’t it, Wan-ah?” Seulgi leans on her shoulder.

“It is.” Wendy agrees.

“..I object.” Irene pipes up and Wendy laughs.

“That’s ‘cause you’re a grandma! You can’t handle the cold, unnie~” Seulgi teases and Irene mutters a curse which elicits a scandalised gasp from Wendy.

 

 

 

At some point, the conversation steers from three to two because Irene had dozed off and Seulgi ran out of dad-jokes to tell, and Wendy– well, Wendy just is there. Staring for too long, she supposes. It’s a little creepy she must admit– watching Irene sleep like this, but she can’t help it. She just looks so... serene. Like she doesn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders, just Bae Joohyun. Not leader Irene from SM Entertainment’s Nation’s treasure girl group, Red Velvet– just Bae Joohyun from Daegu. Bae Joohyun with kind eyes and a gentle smile, one that Seungwan fell in love with.

 

“...Seungwan?” Seulgi’s voice snaps her out of her reverie as she turns back to face her.

“Sorry, what? Did you say something?” Wendy shakes her head.

“Yes I did, you dumdum.” Seulgi hiccups.

“Sorry.” Wendy smiles.

“I asked what you dream about!” Seulgi pokes Wendy’s forehead. “I wanna know what goes on in your little head when you sleep.” 

“A lot goes on in there.” Wendy says.

“Like what?” Seulgi asks.
“Dreams.” 

 

“What do you dream about, Wenwen?” Wendy chuckles at the nicknames.

“Love.” 

“Like dreams of being in love with someone?” Seulgi asks and Wendy nods.

“Yeah.”

“Do I know this ‘someone’?” Seulgi leans closer to her and blinks.

“You do.” Wendy blames it on the alcohol for her running mouth.

“Can you tell me?” Seulgi asks and Wendy shakes her head.

“Why not?” Seulgi hiccups.

“Because it won’t change anything.” Wendy tells her.

“Do you…do you love them so much that.. hmph…you dream of them almost every night?” Seulgi mumbles her words. 

“I do.” Wendy smiles as she pats Seulgi’s head.

“Do they dream of you like you dream of them?” Seulgi blinks as her eyes begin to feel heavy.

“No. I doubt it.” Wendy chuckles dryly.

“Why do you dream of them, then?” Seulgi frowns.

“Because this person doesn’t love me, but in my dreams they do.” Wendy tells her.

“That’s.. huh. That’s confusing.” Seulgi’s brows are furrowed.

“Yeah… I guess it is for me too.” Wendy sighs.

 

Wendy turns back to Irene and finds Irene staring right back at her. Wendy’s eyes widen for a fraction and something in her heart constricts because she really didn’t need so many people knowing about her stupid unrequited crush, especially if it is the unrequited crush knowing. She swallows thickly and Irene turns away.

“Let’s get you two to bed.” She speaks.

 

 

Seulgi stumbles to her own room, insisting that she didn’t need any help because she was taller than them both. Irene didn’t protest when Wendy led her to her room– gently rucking the older woman into the bed until she was laying flat. 

 

She was going to leave since the lights were off, and her feet were already directed to the door because something about Irene’s rooms feels too intimate to be allowed in here, but then there’s a hand around her wrist, not as gentle, but firm and fleeting.

 

“Seungwan-ah.” Irene sits up and pulls Wendy back down to sit beside her.

“Unnie?” Wendy blinks.

“You need to stop dreaming.” Irene says and usually Irene would never ever in her life be so forward and mindless of her words, but she’s drunk and drunk people do a lot of things they won’t usually do.

“...why?” Wendy asks after a beat of silence.

“Because it doesn’t feel good here”, Irene lazily places a hand on her own chest and then brings it to Wendy’s chest where her heart should be on the left side. “Right? It hurts.” 

Wendy smiles and moves Irene’s hand to the actual left side of her chest, since Irene had it on the right side. Even sober or drunk, her unnie had a terrible sense of direction.

“It only hurts after. It feels good when I’m dreaming.” Wendy admits quietly.

“But you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Irene frowns and Wendy shrugs. “I know.”

 

“Seungwan-ah.” Wendy says.

“Hm?” Irene blinks.

“I want to hear you say my name like that.” Wendy asks Irene. She closes her eyes and basks in this moment the best she can.

“Seungwan-ah. Seungwan-ah, Seungwan-ah. Seungwan.” Irene says and Wendy opens her eyes. 

 

It’s not the same.

 

 

Suddenly, Irene presses a kiss to the corner of Wendy’s mouth– and she doesn’t flinch, she just sits there quietly.

“You.. you should stop dreaming about them.. uh.. huh.. hm. I’m drunk.” Irene mumbles before she slips under the covers and falls asleep.

 

Wendy swallows thickly and she feels that feeling again in the pit of her stomach, but this time she feels it in her head, her chest, her limbs, and her poor soul. It’s gut-wrenching, constricting, wet and cold– the feeling. Wendy falls onto her bed, staring right up at the ceiling and tears stream down her cheeks freely. Not a single sound out of her– just open eyes and still body.

 

If she closes her eyes, she’ll think– and thinking will not do her any good right now because there are a million things she wants to ask, but she doesn’t either because it is terrifying, horrifying and so damn depressing. She wants to think of Joohyun in her dreams, but she only remember’s Irene and her stupid sleepy eyes, her stupid smile, her stupid ridiculously long eyelashes, her stupid hair in the claw clip, and the stupid kiss.

 

Kiss.

Irene kissed me.

 

And it was so close to too, which terrified her because if she moved any further to the side, then their mouths would have met and Seungwan thinks the slight kiss was better than a real one because if she had the real one, she might just die and disappear.

 

Seungwan shuts her eyes tightly and begs to dream, begs to remember Joohyun who laughs with her whole body, who smiles so wide until her eyes form crescents–  Joohyun whose kisses are so gentle, full of love and passion, Joohyun whose hair tickles Seungwan’s neck, Joohyun who loves her back– love, love, love. 

 

Seungwan hugs her knees to her chest and sobs.

 

It’s not the same,

It's not the same–

It's not the same…

It’s not the same.  

 

 

 

 

 

Wendy wakes up the next morning with a throbbing headache. Out of all the dreams she has had, this one was the weirdest. She exits her room and enters to kitchen and finds Irene standing over a pot of soup, and then it dawns on her– no, it crashes down on her like a ing plane because she’s horrified and wants to throw up because the dream she had wasn’t a dream and it was real– too real for liking. 

 

She takes a step back and it creaks on the floorboards loudly. Irene turns around and she smiles– smiles like nothing happened yesterday. Wendy smiles too, but it barely reaches her eyes.

 

“Hey, morning.” Irene says. “Sit down, I’ll have hangover soup for you and Seul in a bit.” 

“Okay.” Wendy’s breathing is unstable and she’s trying so hard to hold it all in.

“Seungwan-ah? Are you alright?” Irene asks and Wendy blinks.

“Yeah, um. I’m just thirsty.” Wendy excuses.

“Oh, make sure to have water then. We drank a lot yesterday.” Irene says.

 

Irene smiles and Seungwan looks into her eyes, and looks really far because she wants some remnants of last night to appear on Irene’s face, but Irene’s face remains impassive because she doesn’t remember a goddamn thing, Seungwan realises. 

 

“Yeah. We did.” Wendy says wryly. “I’m gonna head to the bathroom.” 

“Okay.” Irene smiles warmly and Wendy turns around and goes into the bathroom. Each step she takes towards the bathroom only feels heavier like the pieces of her life around her have begun to crumble like the sand towers at beaches because the little kids haven’t wet the sand enough. She swings the door open harshly and closes it with less force and she falls to the cold tiles.

 

Seungwan throws up the contents of yesterday down the toilet bowl.

A burning sensation bubbles in her chest.

 

 

–  

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Seungwan’s walking into the dorm and her feet are tired, her eyes are heavy, but she can hold out for a little longer because she’s coming home to see Joohyun, and seeing Joohyun will make her feel less tired.

 

The door code beeps and the door creaks as it opens and thumps as it bumps the side of the wall lightly. She kicks off her shoes and the cold room ambience makes her aware her feet are sweaty from the dance practice she’s just come back from. 

 

She walks into her room and throws her belongings down, and turns to the bathroom and washes her hands and face. She then makes an automatic turn to Joohyun’s room.

 

“Joohyun-ah?” Seungwan smiles widely as she enters the room. Her smile only takes less than a second to fall when she finds Joohyun on the edge of the bed hunched over in a fit of tears as her long hair dangles over her small frame.

“Hey, hey, hey- what’s wrong?” Seungwan scrambles to the floor in front of Joohyun. Seungwan takes Joohyun’s hands away from her face and holds them in her own warm ones. She tucks Joohyun's hair off one side so she can see her face in the dim light of the room.

“Why are you crying, Hyun?” Seungwan asks gently. Jooyhyun shakes her head Seungwan kneels and hugs Joohyun’s small shaking frame with all her being.

“Please tell me, so I can help you.” Seungwan pleads.

“You can’t.. Wan- you can’t help this.” Joohyun shakes her head in Seungwan’s embrace.

“Why not?” Seungwan asks quietly with a pained expression.

 

Joohyun pulls Seungwan’s arms around her away and brings them in front of her instead as she holds Seungwan’s hands in her cold ones.

 

“Because we can’t… we can’t keep doing this.” Joohyun chokes out and Seungwan feels a cold chill run up her spine.

“What..?” Seungwan blinks.

“They’ll know, they’ll know…” Joohyun shakes her head and cries. Seungwan feels her breathing get heavier.

“I- I can fix this, they don’t have to know, Joohyun-ah- we can try- we can-” Seungwan shakes her head– refusing.

“I wish you were a boy.” 

 

Seungwan sits back onto the floor and she realises how cold the hardwood floor is and she feels how tight her shirt is sticking to her, and her hands are clammy and her face is wet, and her chest hurts– her lungs feel small, and she feels small in this big room– this big room where Joohyun cries and sits on the edge of the bed and tells her something she has never ever imagined she would ever hear from Joohyun or anyone in particular because the words are cruel and contrasts the love they’ve shared for so long because Seungwan knows– Seungwan knows deep in her heart that Joohyun wouldn’t love at all if Seungwan was a boy. 

 

But in her mind, Seungwan knows Joohyun is right.

 

 

“Unnie!” 

Seungwan jolts awake and she can’t breathe like something has settled on her chest for too long like a childhood pet that’s forgotten they've grown big has sat on her chest for too long.

“Wake up!” Seungwan becomes aware that Sooyoung’s shaking her awake. Seungwan’s eyes dart across her room and she wraps her hands desperately around clumps of her bed sheets and Sooyoung’s holding her so tight like she might leave and disappear.

I’m here, I’m real.

This part is real.

 

 

This part is real– Seungwan believes, well she thinks. Sooyoung’s crying is real and– Sooyoung’s crying?

 

“Sooyoung-ah, why are you crying?” Wendy asks as she puts a bit of distance between them. Sooyoung’s face is round, eyes red from the tears and her smile’s so sad it makes Seungwan feel like she’s done something wrong like once when she disappointed her mother. 

“Unnie.. you’re crying too.”

 

 

 

 

That night she didn't dream. She lies on her side– facing the blank wall as she desperately begs to not feel anything, but she feels everything every moment of her life. Sooyoung had opted to sleep beside her that night because she excused it as missing her unnie, but it’s easy to tell when one of their maknaes were lying. 

 

Sooyoung sleeps beside her, an arm draped around Wendy’s waist– and Wendy pretends she can’t feel the ruffles in her sleep shirt where Sooyoung had curled a fist around the fabric of her shirt and hadn’t let go like a small child, begging to stay.

 

She doesn’t know when it starts, or how it does, but her body is racking with tears and it has woken Sooyoung up.

 

Alert, Sooyoung had sat up and assessed the situation to see if Wendy was dreaming again, but she was just crying. 

Laying there, in a puddle of her own tears. 

Sooyoung holds her tightly that night to maybe comfort her, but instead she cries more because a selfish part of her doesn’t want Sooyoung to be the one holding her– she wants her Joohyun.

 

Her warm Joohyun who has gentle touches, kind candy eyes and a dazzling smile that can wash away any pain, any guilt, and any thoughts at all.

 

But her mind is heavy with thoughts. 

It feels like she’s been in the water too long and as the realisation dawns on her, she’s been thrown out of the water directly onto fresh land where she’s lost sense of herself and won’t be able to walk for who knows how long, but she’ll learn.

She has to learn.

 

 

 

With a lack of sleep and absence of Sooyoung’s childlike warmth, Wendy stumbles out of her room and into the kitchen where she finds Irene standing busying herself with cutting fruits for breakfast perhaps. Breakfast? Had Seungwan been awake for that long?

 

“...Are you making breakfast?” Wendy asks and Irene jumps and squeaks.

“Seungwan, you scared me!” Irene hisses and Wendy’s still able to crack a smile.

“Sorry.” Wendy grins and Irene shakes her head with amusement.

“I am. Do you want me to sneak extra fruits for you?” Irene asks with a whisper. 

“Maybe a little more strawberries but not too much or else Seulgi will notice.” Wendy says and Irene giggles. “Okay.”

 

Irene, with a smile, busies herself with the fruits and adds a few more strawberry pieces underneath the pancakes on Wendy’s plate, away from Seulgi’s eyes.

 

“...unnie?” Wendy speaks up again.

“Hm?” Irene turns around after hearing Wendy’s uncharacteristically small voice.

“Can you…” Wendy hesitates. “Can you hug me?”

“Hug?” Irene blinks and Wendy nods with a gulp.

“...please.” Wendy doesn’t ask.

 

Irene steps over without another word because some instinct kicks in her mind and she notices that Wendy looks like she won’t tell her the reason for the sudden plea for affection, but no, Irene won’t question it. Irene brings Wendy closer and wraps the younger woman into a hug as tight as she can muster because it seems like she needed it.

 

Seungwan rests her head on Irene’s shoulder and takes a deep breath and the smell of lavender invades her senses and makes things a little bit nauseous, but she’ll hold the nausea somewhere else because this somehow also relaxes her if she isn’t thinking of all the pain she’s felt these past moments. 

 

 

It’s not the same.

 

It’s painfully annoying when Seungwan notices that Irene isn’t as warm as Joohyun, but she’s trying hard in her mind to make a connection so she can remember where she is, and who she is, but it is just so gut-wrenchingly different because Irene’s hugs are tight, while Joohyun’s are loose and playful, and Irene’s hair stays up high in a bun, while Joohyun’s hair tickles her face, her neck, her shoulders, and all her nerves and senses.

 

 

 

Seungwan lets go first and a burning sensation settles in her chest.

 

Seungwan’s wide awake now– seemingly out of it and no one’s here to help her because she can’t bring herself to look at herself in the mirror too long anymore because she’s afraid she won’t recognise who she’s become in the past few weeks and Sooyoung doesn’t recognise her either because they don’t understand. Seulgi doesn’t understand, Yerim doesn’t understand, and first and foremost, Irene does not understand… but she won’t blame them– she can’t. She can only blame herself because she let herself fall this far, she let herself damage herself to this point because she just wants love, love, love. She wants to be loved like how she is in her dreams, but she can’t. She can’t. 

 

 

“...are you okay?” There’s a hesitation in Irene’s soft voice when she asks Seungwan because she really hasn’t known what the younger woman had been up to all this time. Seungwan only smiles and she wants to say;

 

Because you are Red Velvet’s leader, you are an unnie to me, to Seulgi, to Sooyoung and to Yerim, and most of all– you are Bae Irene and not my Bae Joohyun. You do not belong to me– you belong to the world and those who are not me because I’ve fallen in love too much, and I dream too much because in my dreams, you love me back. 

 

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

 

But she smiles wider and there's an inkling of tears in the corner of her eyes and Irene’s brows furrow.

“I’m okay.”

 

 

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