A letter to the one person I can never have,

How are you?

Have you been eating well?

I don't exactly know why I decided to write this letter. I just want to get this off my chest, I guess.

You were the biggest part of me. You were there when I needed someone. You never left even if you have seen the worst part of me. Heck, you even decided to cling into my arms even harder. You have shown me how it is to love and be loved, to hate and be hated. We cherished each other as if forever wasn't enough. You made me realize that loving someone doesn't mean up all the happiness in the world. It means going through hell while tasting heaven in your mouth. It will never be tasteless. It will always be a combination of honey and salt. A bitter sensation, creeping the sides of your tongue, leaving a chaos in your head and hard pounding in your chest.

It was such an incredible adventure meeting you. When I first saw you, I hated you, didn't I? But then you agressively shown me who you really are. You proved to me that you weren't as bad of a person as I thought. You have shown the parts of you that you don't let other people see. You were a good combination of an angel and a psychopath. A poison and an antidote. Your imperfections made you perfect. Being a made you look prim. I became your biggest fan. I loved you even if others thought you were crazy. I chuckled and told them crazies are my type. And that's when they began to speculate that we have no difference. Maybe they were right. I was as insane as you were. I was such of an as you were. But who the hell cares? What can they do if that's what we are?

We have become the kind of people we always wanted. Not giving a about the world. We shut out others and became contented of what we have. Of course with our two loyal and tryst-worthy friends. But it's different when it's just the two of us, of you beside me, holding me in your arms. I wanted it. I have fallen in love with the idea of us but I fell on the ground, face first. I thought you wanted it too. I knew you did, I have seen it in your eyes. But I was wrong. I read you wrong. You never meant it to be forever. And I was stupid enough to think you'll ever feel the same way. You just made me believe you wanted it too. You actually didn't. And you never will.

Now, I'm in a place far away from you. To a place where I thought was far enough for you not to inflict me pain. But I was wrong again, cause in every day and hour that pass by, what I can only think about is you. The memories you embossed in my veins, the laughters and kisses left in my mouth and every inch of me becomes hungrier each damn second that I don't get to see you. You still have that hold on me that nobody could ever do. You certainly were the one for me. Don't think I hate you now. I don't. I just think you're too insensitive to think that I have thrown away my feelings when you said I have to. Stupid you, I still do and stupid me, why the hell can't I unlove you?

--

I couldn't help the tears from falling from my eyes as soon as I clicked on enter to lock in the letter I intend to send to someone after a few months. It's this website that my friends, Chaeyoung and Dahyun have been talking about. A person can write a letter to someone and the link will be sent to that person on the date the writer intends to send it.

"Tzu, are you okay?" I felt Dahyun's little hands, softly my back. I looked up to her and smiled.

"I'm fine." I adressed, trying to hide the tears.

"You guys want to grab some snacks? I'm really hungry." Chaeyoung said, pouting cutely with her baby cub face. I swear, if it wasn't obvious that Mina and her like each other, I could have already dated this one just because of that goddamn dimple and beautiful lioness eyes.

Taking a deep breath, I stood up from my desk and made our way out of the bedroom.

--

In life, they say you'd meet three kinds of lovers. Your first love, an innocent kind of affection. You were both excited to experience love for the first time. It's the fairytale love, the ones you see in movies and books. You enjoy every second of it. But it usually doesn't work. The second person you're going to meet is your one great love. The kind that would put you to the trance and give you such a rush that you never felt before. It's deeper and way more complicated than the first one. But it's also the one that would give you the biggest heartache and tragic ending. A kind that would make your bones ache and your heart broken to the point of no hope. That's when you'd meet your third love, the last love. That's when you're both matured enough to know the do's and don'ts. That's when you already knew how to pilot your relationship properly. And that's when you feel real contentment and happiness for the first time. That's the kind of love that will remain with you until forever. And if you're lucky enough, you'd grow old together.

But to me, she's all of it.

The first, the second, the last.

But it doesn't seem to be what the universe has planned for us both.

And maybe it's for the best.

--

FLASHBACK

High School 2016

Holy Angels Academy, an exclusive school for girls in Osaka, Japan. That's where Mina, Momo, Sana and I attended high school together. They're a year older than me but I was accelerated when I was in 4th grade so I was transferred in their class.

--

I took a deep breath as soon as the car stopped in front of the school gates. From there, I could hear the sound from the speakers of our ball.

It's nearly Christmas and the school decided to have a grand ball in the middle of this chilling weather condition which of course, I opposed to but obviously, I was ignored.

Now, I had to wear this uncomfortable, silk dress just to make it through the night. It's going to be the first time they're actually seeing me in a dress. I usually go for sweatshirt, hoodie, ripped jeans or baggy pants a.k.a the most comfortable clothing combinations in the world.

"Are you okay?" Mr. Sato, our family driver asked with concern. I formed a forced smile even if my heart was pounding agressively underneath my chest as I watch my schoolmates walk down the red carpet one by one.

I nodded. "See you later."

I opened the door and finally climbed down the car.

As soon as I took a step on the red carpet while expectators eyed me with their jaws, hanging as if I was someone they only see on fashion shows. That's when I froze on my spot. Their stares alone made me sick to my stomach and my head started to spin as my nerves shoot up. But I felt a hand, touching mine. The wramth of her skin against mine felt like the warmth of a blanket on a winter night. Comforting and just right. I turned to look at her and I was confronted with the most beautiful and encouraging smile I have ever seen.

"Shall we walk together, Tzu?" She asked. Her eyes glittering and majestic that made my heart flutter.

Minatozaki Sana. That's her name. The girl who flirts with everyone.

We walked down the aisle together. The people around was just watching. I could hear murmurs, complementing both of us.

When we walked in the ball, our best friends, Myoui Mina and Hirai Momo greeted us with their usual cheery smiles. They were looking gorgeous and fancy as well. They both decided to attend the ball with their dates. Mina went with Yamazaki Kento, her friend from ballet summer class. She explained that he insisted to go because he wanted to finally walk in our school for the first time and meet some stunning girls.

"Hey! Aren't you greedy?" Sana scolded.

Meanwhile, Momo went with Kim Heechul, Kento's best friend from South Korea who we met just a week ago. Everyone noticed how he has been mesmirized by Momo since they met and we're not complaining. He seems like a good guy and would take good care of her well.

"Why don't you guys have any date anyway?" Heechul asked.

"What are you saying? We're each other's dates. She's mine tonight." Sana said, clinging into my side a little harder. My breathing hitched just from the word mine, coming out of .

"Ooww! Gays!" The boys cheered, looking too excited.

"Hey! Shut it!" I yelled. If I wasn't wearing this uncomfortable dress, I probably already stabbed their eyes with these heels.

"Okay, I'm sorry." Kento apologized with smile, still intact on his face.

"You guys look good together though. For real." Momo commented, blushing from the thought.

"Are you an idiot?" I scolded, giving her a what-the- look.

--

The teachers gathered us for the performance. They always choose me to act as a guy in dances like this because of my height. They handed me the suit I'd be wearing. I immediately went to the fitting room and wore it. When I walked out, I saw Sana, looking up from the arm chair where she seems to be waiting for me. She looked at me from head to toe and a y, teasing smile formed on her face. I looked at her as if shutting up the wild thoughts on her head.

"Well, hello there, hot stuff." She teased as she looks at me seductively.

"What the hell is wrong you?" I said in annoyance.

"There she goes again." Momo rolled her eyes.

Mina chuckled. "She literally just told me exactly that a few minutes ago."

"And maybe ten other girls, fifteen minutes in this ball." Momo said as matter-of-factly.

"Hey! I really mean it!" Sana exclaimed, defending herself. She ran next to me and wrapped her arms around my neck as if we were the only people in the room.

"Hey, get off me!" I tried to push her away but she was clinging like a koala bear on a tree.

"Hey girls," Ms. Mizaki interrupted with a concerned look on her face. "we have a little situation here."

"What's going on?" Mina asked.

"Yuki chan can't make it today. Apparently, she was sent to the hospital for stomach ache." She informed. Yuki was supposed to be my partner at the dance performance.

"What do we do now?" I questioned.

"Plan B." She turned to Sana who suddenly has a flushed cheeks. "Sana chan, you replace Yuki, okay?"

"Okay!" Sana widely smiled and nodded in agreement. My jaw dropped from the exchange of conversations they just had.

"What? Hey, why is it her?" I tried to complain to the teacher.

"Can't it be Mina or Momo?"

"They have a special performance too. And besides, Sana knows all the steps. She's the appointed plan B. Didn't she tell you that?" She looked at us back and forth questioningly.

Sana scratched the back of her head. She does that whenever she's cornered or embarassed.

"Hehe. I asked them to keep it a secret. I didn't expect Yuki chan wouldn't make it today."

"It's time, girls." Ms. Mizaki announced.

"Hey, relax, Tzu. Don't worry, I'm here beside you." Sana put on her usual encouraging smile and softly held my hand. "Let's have fun, dancing and give them a good performance."

The orchestra started to play Waltz Of The Flowers by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.

I took a deep breath while trying to find calmness despite the fact that the person I adore the most was holding my hand tight while she smile the brightest that could possibly melt a heart.

The other performers started to dance and fill the stage. Partner by partner, they gracefully move to the music. I held out my hand while the other was placed on my back. She gracefully placed her hand on mine and we began to walk in the middle of the dancefloor. The other dancers encircled us. I placed a hand on her waist while holding her hand on the other. One of her hands placed on my shoulder. Our gazes, pinned on each other. She was giving me that look again as if I was the only one she sees. As if I was precious to her.

We began to waltz and feel the music control our every move. Every swirl, every step took me into a magical dream world as if we were in the middle of a flower field while the wind blows on her skin. Every time her face move an inch closer to mine, I felt like there's electricity, flowing down my veins. Her fragrance made me weak. And her eyes looked as if sending some message that for some reason, made my head spin in a swirl.

As the music progress, as it approach its , I felt her hands tighter against mine. Her breath, faster. And her lower lip in between her teeth, harder.

I lead her to a final swirl, bent her down with my hand, supporting her lower back and finally lifted her again for the final pose. Her one leg lifted up to her knees against my left leg while her head leaning against my shoulder. I could feel the rythm of her heartbeat as her chest rise and fall against mine.

When the crowd wildly applaud, that's when she detouched from me but kept her hand holding mine.

"You did great, Tzu!" She complemented with a huge grin.

We took a bow together as the audience continuously cheered and applaud.

"You guys! That was amazing! It's like you're the original dancer. Wow!" Momo and Mina approached us with hugs.

"You guys complimented each other so well. Good job, girls!" Ms. Mizaki praised.

"She lead me the whole time. Please give her all the credits." Sana said, pushing me a little as she proudly give me the spotlight.

"You're a great follower, that's why it worked." I complimented.

A smug look formed on her face.

"Did you fall in love with me back there? I really felt your stares. You've never looked at me that way."

I felt blood, immediately rushing to my cheeks. "Hey! Shut your mouth!"

Momo and Mina laughed a little too hard from my reaction and I gave them a sharp look as if piercing on their heads.

These past few weeks, I have been contemplating, trying to comprehend the unusual throbbing in my chest whenever Sana do and say these things to me. Whenever she smiles, I feel like melting. Whenever she's happy, I feel happier. Whenever she's hurting, I feel like my heart's being ripped out. I wanted to run and chase that person who caused her pain and claw their eyes out.

All I want is for her to feel happiness and love. The things I want to give her myself. When she's safe, I'm contented.

And yes, during the dance, that's also the moment I admitted to myself that I'm in love with this crazy, stupid girl, Minatozaki Sana.

End of Flashback