🪐 ill-requited heaven 🪐

Sometimes, Hyukjae feels like something is missing.

He can hardly imagine why, though. Most people, he recognises, would be very satisfied with the life he leads: he has a job he loves, his family is healthy and within commutable distance from his apartment, he meets up with his friends regularly. It's a very typical, very ordinary life. He wouldn't want any of that to change.

It's just that, sometimes, he'll be excited to buy a magazine just to flip through it and wonder why he was so eager to read it in the first place. Sometimes, he feels restless, like he's broken a promise to someone but he couldn't remember to whom or about what. Sometimes, he'll turn to make a joke to a person who isn't there.

It's silly, isn't it? And yet.

That's why he's here at the auditions for the inaugural season of South Korea's version of So You Think You Can Dance. When he heard about it from a friend of a friend a month ago, it was the first time he could ever remember feeling something akin to passion flare up in his limbs.

Hyukjae has been working as a choreographer and instructor for a small studio in Garosu-gil for almost eight years now. He deeply enjoys it, but he also always wondered what it would be like to be a performer in his own right. He thinks an opportunity to prove his skills like this is what has been missing, and he has a good feeling about the fact that he's even trying in the first place.

He didn't tell any of his friends he was doing this, mostly because he didn't want to deal with their pity if he didn't make it; but as he stretches as much as he can in the theatre lobby filled with scores of other hopefuls stretching as much as they can, he wishes he could call Ryeowook and hear the other's cheerful 'Fighting, hyung!' while he waits.

Instead, he hears "Number 404!" Still something he wants to hear, but a million times more nerve wracking.

He stands up from his butterfly stretch and follows the production assistant further into the building until he's in the wings of a stage. Ahead of him, a woman who couldn't be older than 21 is in the middle of a jazzy-crunk fusion routine, and he tries not to be nervous. He's 30, after all, and very practised in his street dance style. He might be too old school (or simply too old) for the show's interest.

In the wings, he answers a short interview and receives more instructions from the production assistant, and then finally, "Lee Hyukjae-ssi!"

It's showtime.

He walks onto the stage with as much swagger as possible without coming across like a total tool, ready to introduce himself and put his best foot forward.

But things don't often go according to plan. "Hey, I know you!" The spotlight on him isn't so bright that he can't make out one of the directors pointing at him.

"… Huh?" Real intelligent, Hyukjae.

"Yeah, yeah. Didn't you audition for Street Man Fighter three years ago?"

Hyukjae smiles confusedly at the camera, trying not to feel like he's on a prank show instead of the audition for a dance show. "I'm sorry. I think you may be confusing me with someone else," he says as politely as possible.

"Ya, are you trying to play mind games on the contestants?" another judge directs to the first one.

"No, that was him. I'm sure of it. You had a stage name… 'Eunhyuk,' right?" the first judge switches attention to Hyukjae, who sends a panicked glance to the side of the stage. The production assistant shrugs in an unhelpful I-don't-know-what's-going-on-here-any-more-than-you-do way.

"Sorry, that definitely wasn't me," he starts hesitantly, but then he clears his throat and states as confidently as he can, "My name is Lee Hyukjae. I'm 30 years old, I'm from Eunpyeong-gu. and I think I can dance," as he was instructed to do.

By some of luck, Hyukjae manages to count himself among the twenty-one dancers that pass the audition, which means he has to move out of his apartment and into the MS Entertainment dorms next week and stay there until he's eliminated from the show. He didn't even live in a dorm when he went to school for dance, so he's kind of nervous about what that may entail. When he finally confesses all of this to his friends, instead of being happy for his success or giving him any advice, they decide to throw him a farewell party—because they are various degrees of .

"I might as well start looking for a new roommate," Kyuhyun gripes, but there's no heat in it. "Once Hyukjae wins this competition, he'll become famous and leave me for a condominium in a nicer neighbourhood. There will be a doorman, and a special card that lets him operate the elevator, and an upscale restaurant on the ground floor that doesn't charge for delivery. He'll never have to cook his own meals ever again."

"Kyuhyun, you can have all of that. Right now." Hyukjae's superficial understanding of his roommate's career starts with something about gaming and ends with the fact it makes Kyuhyun bank. There was literally nothing preventing him from leaving Hyukjae at any point in the past four years.

"He's so happy to be rid of me," Kyuhyun continues melodramatising.

Hyukjae takes another sip from his beer to hide his eye roll. It's nice that his friends believe in him, he supposes.

The only one who doesn't seem to be particularly happy about the news is Ryeowook. "I don't want you to go," he pouts.

This is why Ryeowook is his favourite friend. "Aw, Wook! It'll be okay. I'll only be busy for the next month or so, or for as long as I can last in the competition. It's not forever! You won't even have a chance to miss me, I promise."

Ryeowook pushes Hyukjae away from the side-hug he pulled him into. "I don't even miss you now. No, I don't want you to go to MS Entertainment," he clarifies. "Can't you live somewhere else?"

"But they need to film him. Right?" Sungmin double-checks with him, and Hyukjae nods. "Yeah, it's a reality show after all. If there's drama in the dorms or something, they'll be there to catch us in 720 pixels, 180 degrees… Why? What's wrong with MS Entertainment?"

Donghae and Sungmin join him in staring at Ryeowook in confusion over his animosity towards the company, but Kyuhyun clearing his throat draws their attention to the last person in the party. They watch with growing confusion as the two youngest share an impassioned conversation through eye contact and facial twitches alone, then finally Ryeowook turns his head away and up. He sniffs. "I've heard that the actors there are real s, is all. You might get caught up in the wrong crowd. I don't want to lose my friend to show business."

Yeah, Ryeowook is definitely his favourite friend. "Aw, Wook!" He repeats the side-hug. "Don't worry; I'll be too focused on doing my best for the competition—nothing else matters. Besides, how likely is it that I'll run into any of the actors while I'm there?"

Hyukjae has heard horror stories from idol groups on variety shows about living in a single room with four other members of the group, but luckily he only has to share with one person. There are three rooms to an apartment and three apartments in total with nine of them are rooming in threes, the rest in pairs. Seven people sharing one kitchen and two bathrooms will be a stretch; but in three weeks the show will start and they'll announce the first elimination, and then the contestants will realise they have way bigger things to worry about.

They're told the roommate assignments are randomised, but he didn't believe it until he met Henry, who is three years his junior and multi-talented in all sorts of creative fields. It kind of intimidates Hyukjae, but not through any fault of Henry's own. He's not overly pretentious about it, which Hyukjae appreciates immensely. If the producers actually did assign roommates, they'd probably want pairs that would lead to friction and tension, wouldn't they?

By an unspoken agreement, they elect to sit next to each during the orientation bootcamp MS Entertainment is providing for the contestants in advance of filming. In this week, they would attend seminars ranging from really niche, technical topics like ual harrassment and the insurance MSE can provide, to fun, interesting ones like how to give a good interview and how to manage their SNS accounts to help create hype for the show without spoiling anything.

It is the last one that ended up the most memorable to Hyukjae, mostly because it was the weirdest. Some of the public relations employees were noticeably shocked to see him… as if they knew him? He's definitely never met them before. He's not faceblind, but it doesn't hurt to check.

When the facilitators dismiss them for a mid-session break, he takes the opportunity to speak to them. "Excuse me for bothering you, but do I know you from somewhere?" he asks. "You looked very surprised to see me, but I regret to admit I don't know who you are. I thought it would be rude if I let this seminar go on without acknowledging the possibility if in case you expected me to greet you. Please excuse me if I've overstepped." He ends with a quick 90-degree bow.

The public relations employees share brief, panicked glances before melting into obsequiousness. "No! You haven't overstepped at all. We haven't met; don't worry. I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable. You just remind me of someone I used to work with, that's all," one of them reassures with a smile. The other one nods vigorously, echoing the same apologies.

Hyukjae laughs a little to dispel the awkward tension from his brazenness. "Ah, is that so? Well, I'll leave myself in your care. Thank you for your hard work today." He bows and high-tails it as quickly as possible out of the room, eager to make the most of what's left of the break and leave the awkward interaction behind him.

CUT TO: INT. MS ENTERTAINMENT MEETING ROOM. MIDDAY.

The chairs are askew as if they were recently vacated. The powerpoint on the screen is on the last slide, showing contact information for the presenters and 'Thank You For Your Attention!' in cheery font. The room is almost empty except for two PR STAFF MEMBERS, who watch HYUKJAE walk out. Once he is out-of-sight:

PR STAFF #1
Am I tripping or is that Siwon-ssi's ex-boyfriend?

PR STAFF #2
I used to be on the SNS team which means I have spent countless hours studying the faces of our talents' significant others so that I'd be able to recognise them in the background or periphery of any pap photos, and I can confirm with 100% certainty that that is Siwon-ssi's ex-boyfriend.

PR STAFF #1
. Does he know?

PR STAFF #2
Which he? Know what?

PR STAFF #1
Siwon-ssi hadn't booked a new role in a while, so the company figured he was done in China and asked him to come back! He'll be in Korea, in this building even, before the end of the month.

PR STAFF #2
(stares blankly ahead for a moment, as if letting the information fully process, and then)
.

The two PR STAFF MEMBERS turn to the open door where HYUKJAE had left earlier, faces pensive.

FADE OUT.

Mi has the good grace to wait a few days and let Siwon recover from his jet lag before inviting him out to talk shop again.

"So I know you told me no dramas for a while, no matter how good the plot is, and that's fine. I've turned down all incoming requests; but if you happen to be curious, I've saved a few pilots that seem right up your alley," Mi says over lunch in a discrete bistro in Itaewon.

"Not interested," Siwon reaffirms.

"Not interested," Mi repeats, marking something in the notebook/planner he meticulously keeps in order to remain the foremost authority on Siwon's activity and availability. "What about variety appearances? You know Women at Work are always looking for guests, and there's a new one coming out soon called My Little Red Riding Hood that seems kind of interesting."

Siwon twirls noodles onto his fork, glad he can use one in public now without incurring derision from passers-by. "I wouldn't mind that."

"He wouldn't mind," Mi repeats, conducting the same action as before. "Alright, I'm saving the best for last because I really, really think you should consider this one: how about a guest judging on a reality competition show? Now before you shoot this down!" Mi rushes to explain at the eyebrows Siwon raises. "Will it be more work than a variety guesting? Yes, yes it will, but: it will only last one week, it's low prep, and it's on a project MS is already co-sponsoring. It would go a long way towards getting them off your back. Your 'American-style reactions' would be well-received on a variety show, but as a guest judge? Your brand reputation would go through the roof! The only other option that is as low-effort-high-impact as this is if you released your own solo EP!"

Siwon taps his fork against his plate absentmindedly. "Well, I'm definitely not releasing my own solo EP."

Mi writes that down, and Siwon already knows he's going to agree.

Even before promotions for his last C-drama wrapped up a few months ago, he was receiving offers left and right to lead another show or star in movies. He declined them all. It's not that he's done with acting, but he's tired of acting. He needs a break. He needs some more time being Choi Siwon before he can handle being someone else.

MS wasn't very happy about it—they were looking forward to leveraging Siwon's popularity to get a head start on pushing MS talents for the future of Sino-Korean entertainment landscape—but they said they would let him take an unofficial hiatus as long as he came back to Korea. The decision wasn't easy.

("We both agreed taking a break from acting was your next step to self-fulfillment. Is taking your hiatus back home so terrible that you'd rather continue working here?" Geng, his therapist, had asked when Siwon explained the ultimatum that only he himself seemed to see.

"Is Korea home?" Siwon asked in turn.

"Is here home?"

"I feel better here than I did back in Korea."

Geng nodded. "Shanghai is a great place for distraction."

"I didn't come here to distract myself. Work naturally brought me here."

"So you've said, but China wasn't your goal, was it? Your work could have taken you to Japan or Australia or Singapore, and you'd still be in the same place as you are now."

Siwon hesitated. He knew Geng didn't mean 'place' in the physical sense. "There are certain goals I could never accomplish if I remained in Seoul," he eventually admitted.

"'As long as he's okay,'" Geng recited, and it was Siwon's turn to nod. "As long as he's okay."

Geng leaned forward. "What about you, Siwon? What would you do to make sure you're okay?"

"I came to Shanghai," he protests.

"Where you'd rather work even at the cost of your own mental health just to avoid going back and, what? What's the worst case scenario you're imagining here?")

Siwon didn't have an answer for him back then, and it bothered him enough to put him on a one-way flight back to a place he resolutely stopped thinking of as soon as he left two years ago.

So here he is now, sitting across from a different Chinese man whom he pays to have his best interests in mind and who has taken that mission to heart.

When he accepted the role in China, Mi was instrumental in helping him get accustomed to Shanghai. He wasn't just Siwon's manager, but his tour guide, his shopping assistant, and even his bodyguard on one occasion. Siwon trusts this man so much, and he is endlessly grateful that he hired Mi all those years ago.

"We can get you in a meeting with the producers as soon as tomorrow. Does that work?"

Mi knows as well as he does that Siwon's schedule is blissfully empty for the foreseeable future, but he appreciates the check nevertheless. "The sooner, the better, right?"

"The sooner, the better," Mi repeats as he writes.

"What's the show? Is it already airing?" He should watch some episodes to prepare.

"Nope. You'd either be the first or one of the first guest judges. It's some remake of an American dance competition. So You Think You Can Dance, have you heard of it?"

A dance competition reality show. He wonders if Eunhyuk will be watching then takes a long draw from the beer he ordered along with his lunch as if that could drown out the thought.

Not even a full week back in Seoul, and he's already thinking about Eunhyuk. Siwon should call Geng and let him know he's found an answer to the therapist's question.

A month in and Hyukjae is still in this competition, to his genuine surprise.

"Head's up, Hyuk, but you have to stop being so shocked when you aren't in the bottom two. Everyone can tell how good you are, and acting like that just makes you look hella fake," one of the other contestants snarks when they're back in their shared dorm that night.

They said goodbye to a good kid today, a breakdancer who just couldn't get his frame right for this week's ballroom challenge. The mood is always weird after elimination night, and sometimes people choose to attempt conversation instead of letting everyone decompress.

There is no way for him to refute any part of that statement and win the argument, so—mindful of the cameras—Hyukjae just nods and says, "I'll try to control my reactions better next week," as mildly as possible.

Taking pity on him, Henry changes the subject. "But hey, a celebrity judge next week. That's kind of cool, right? Who do you think it's gonna be?"

"Obvs a talent from MS Entertainment. They'd be dumb to pass up this chance," says the eighteen-year-old modern dancer with formal training as a ballerino.

"I hope it's Yom Syejin! I watched her in Reply 2222, and she is totally my type," the sole tap dancer in the competition says.

"It could be one of their comedians," the other street dancer in the competition points out. He auditioned to be a trainee for MS Entertainment back when he was in high school, so SYTYCD is something of a revenge chance for him. "I could handle being told my back wasn't straight enough if it were at least funny."

"I bet it's gonna be Choi Siwon," Henry muses. "He finished promoting his drama in China earlier this year, and I heard some of the staff mention he's back in Korea now. They'd want to use this opportunity to remind the public who he is since it's not like the C-Drama can air here."

"What do you think, Hyukjae?"

"… Wha? I'm sorry, I was paying attention, but then I got kinda nauseous while you guys were talking. What did you say?"

"Which drama actor from MS Entertainment do you think will be the guest celebrity judge next week?"

Hyukjae self-consciously scratches at his cheek. "Ah, I couldn't guess. I don't watch dramas."

"Really? What do you watch then?"

"I don't know? Movies, anime. I usually go with whatever my friends want to watch, and dramas just never come up. I don't think I'd like them even if I did get to watch though."

"That's weird, man. I love dramas." "Me too. My girlfriend got me hooked." "If I ever watched an episode of The Queen: Temporary Monarch without my mom, I think she'd literally kick me out."

Hyukjae can only shrug in response. "I think I'm gonna turn in early tonight. This headache is no joke, and I have the morning rehearsal block anyway."

The other guys wish him goodnight, but before he goes to bed, he goes to the bathroom and gets some pain medicine. He hopes this nausea goes away after tonight. He doesn't need another fainting episode.

Two years ago, he had woken up in a medical bed, having apparently fainted the night prior. The doctor said he hit his head—"So it makes sense you don't remember the actual circumstances."—but he still thought it was weird. He's never fainted before in his life.

Ryeowook had picked him up from the clinic—and wasn't it weird he was taken to a clinic instead of a hospital? He knows the studio's insurance wasn't the best, but it wasn't that bad. The doctor even gave Ryeowook the papers for Hyukjae's aftercare directly, and Hyukjae himself was not allowed to look at them without risking his health. Very strange, but Ryeowook took on the responsibility the way only the mom friends of a group could.

("Does anything hurt? What did the, um, the doctor say?"

"I feel fine. The doctor told me my vitals indicated I was exhausted and dehydrated, and that's why I fainted. Nothing major, just some memory loss because I hit my head when I fell."

Ryeowook almost ran into a road divider. "Memory loss, you say?!"

"Yeah, but it's not a big deal! I only can't remember how I fell last night, but that's it! The year is 2019! The president is Moon Jaein! My name is Hyukjae! I promise, I'm fine, really!"

Ryeowook seemed to calm down during Hyukjae's speech, but he could tell something was still bothering his old friend. "Ryeowook?"

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry to startle you back there, but I'm just glad you're alright… Hyukjae.")

He didn't think anything about the pause before Ryeowook said his name at that moment; but as he's preparing for bed tonight, it seems incredibly noteworthy now for some reason. He isn't able to figure it out before he falls asleep, however, and he winds up forgetting in the morning.

The guest judge gig is a little more work than Mi had led him to believe—he'll also be an assistant host for the backstage portions of filming, conduct some interviews with the contestants, and provide voice-over narration where necessary—but now that he's in his greenroom getting some finishing touches done to his hair and makeup, whatever annoyance he had felt wanes. In fact, he's almost looking forward to it.

Today, they're on the first floor of the MS Entertainment dorms, where there are meeting rooms and offices, to film him meeting the contestants for the first time. They know someone is coming, but they don't know who. While it would be nice to discover some of them are excited to meet him, the most he'll let himself hope for is that none of them are disappointed. That would .

There are two quick, polite knocks on the door, and a production assistant sticks their head in. "Siwon-ssi, we're ready for you now."

He follows the PA as they lead him to the room where the contestants are gathered and explain what he has to do. The contestants are sitting facing the front of the room, but the door he'll enter from is at the back. The host will ask the contestants if they're ready to meet the first celebrity judge, the dancers will answer in the affirmative, and that's when he'll open the door since it will mask the sound. He just has to walk down the aisle ("The aisle will be obvious.") to the front of the room where the host is, turn to face the contestants, do his intro, and the host will lead the rest.

"Just act natural. You know," the PA dismisses at this point, rushing over to a different hallway to presumably help monitor the filming process.

Siwon isn't nervous, but he's not calm either. He thinks it's a good sign that he still has some tension in him despite his years of and familiarity with camera work.

He mentally runs through the talking points of his introduction one more time. I'm excited to be here… It's an honour to be the show's first guest judge… I may not dance, but I will study diligently so that I can give good feedback…

Then, he hears his cue. "Are you ready to meet So You Think You Can Dance's first celebrity judge?!"

He twists the doorknob as soon as the cheers start. He confidently walks down the aisle (which was really less of an aisle and more of a distinct lack of chairs). He pivots on his heel, ready to face the contestants and let the first words out of his mouth be—

"Eunhyuk?!"

Whatever shock he feels at being abruptly confronted with the love of his life, whose heart he broke two years ago and whose pain he tried to forgive himself for causing, in the last place and time Siwon expected to see him, has to wait, however, because Eunhyuk faints.

When Hyukjae comes to, he's in the MS Entertainment dorm in-house infirmary. He hasn't been in this room since they had that health and safety seminar as part of orientation, and just like then it's kind of crowded in here.

"He's awake! Get the nurse!" cries Henry.

"Hey, loverboy. How are you feeling?" the tap dancer says.

"Loverboy?" Hyukjae repeats groggily.

"Don't you remember? You saw Choi Siwon's face and then passed out from the sheer handsomeness," the eighteen-year-old summarises.

He doesn't actually remember what caused him to faint, but the piercing pain that lances through his skull must have everything to do with it.

"Are you going to ask him for his autograph?"

"Bet you're excited for the one-on-one interview."

"Don't listen to them, Hyuk. It's perfectly normal for fans to pass out after meeting their celebrity crush," Henry assures, unable to resist teasing at the same time.

The pressure behind his eyes has been building ever since this conversation started, and he lets it out in his outburst. "I am not his fan!"

"… Dude," the former ballerino intones, looking distinctly over his shoulder in a way that Hyukjae has only seen in movies.

Even before he turns around, he knows he'll find Choi Siwon standing in the doorway, having arrived to check up on him like the decent human being he probably is, just in time to hear Hyukjae's outburst.

Right behind the nurse is Siwon-ssi, eyes blown wide open and lips are rolled into his mouth in an exaggerated oh- look no typical Korean person would make. Hyukjae slumps back into a lying position in both defeat and nausea.

With his arm flung over his eyes, he hears more than he sees his dorm mates awkwardly evacuate the infirmary, and it's just him, the medical attendant, and the source of all his embarrassment.

The attendant gently touches him to get his attention, and he moves his arm away to look up at her. "Please don't strain yourself," she instructs before she too escapes from the awkwardness in the room, leaving him alone with the source of all his embarrassment.

Despite the pain, he forces himself into an upright position, trying to portray authenticity even with his eyes closed to block out extra stimulus. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like that. I've been feeling off-and-on again nauseous since a few days ago; and now I'm frustrated with myself for fainting and embarrassed that it happened upon meeting you… But I shouldn't have been so rude. Please accept my apologies." He feebly bows his head, but even that hurts too much.

He hears Siwon get closer, close enough to sit, but the cot doesn't dip with his weight. "You've been nauseous? Have you gone to see a doctor?"

Of all the things he could have responded to, the fact that Siwon focuses on that strikes Hyukjae as particularly kind, but his pleasant surprise doesn't last as another wave of nausea hits him.

"No, I haven't yet. I was waiting to see how this round went. I could end up getting sent home after all; I'll have plenty of time to see a doctor then," he jokes through the wince.

There is silence for a moment, and then under Siwon's breath, he hears, "Even about this, you can still…"

Hyukjae waits for the rest of the sentence, but it doesn't come. Instead, there is a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Hyukjae's eyes shoot open in shock before they immediately wrench shut in a grimace. Amidst the dizzying phosphenes burning the inside of his eyelids is Siwon's gentle, concerned face, so close and, admittedly, so handsome.

"You're clearly in a lot of pain. I'll leave you so you can rest. Please don't overexert yourself, and listen to whatever the nurse tells you, okay?" His hands guide Hyukjae into lying back down.

Hyukjae doesn't have the strength to reply verbally, so he just lets his resting hand form a thumbs up that he hopes Siwon can see.

Didn't Ryeowook say the actors at MS Entertainment are s? Siwon-ssi seems kind of nice, is the last conscious thought he has before his nausea knocks him out again.

FADE IN.

INT. MS ENTERTAINMENT MEETING ROOM. MIDDAY.

It has been three days since HYUKJAE fainted, and tomorrow is the live show. A group of suits sit around a board table in heated debate.

SEOUL BROADCASTING SERVICE PRODUCTION DIRECTOR #1
He needs to go on.

Other SBS PDs nod.

MS ENTERTAINMENT RISK REPRESENTATIVE
His condition has not improved enough to handle the rigour and demand of a live performance. If we let him go tomorrow and he suffers a more serious injury from his nausea, everyone in this room will be in trouble.

SBS LEGAL STAFF
If he doesn't perform, then he's withdrawing from the competition. It's in the contract.

SBS PD #2
(desperate)
And we can't have that! He's one of our biggest draws to the show; it's too early in the season! If he leaves because we kick him out and not because he's voted out, we can kiss our reputation goodbye. This will be the first and last season, I promise you. Netizens do not forgive things like this.

The suits are so invested in their discussion that they do not notice MI enter the room.

MI
Gentlemen, gentlemen.

LEGAL coughs. MI nods.

MI
Gentlewomen. If I may?

SBS PD #1
Who are you?

MI
My name is Zhou Mi. I'm Choi Siwon's manager.

MSE RISK
Better question: why are you here?

MI
I'm here on behalf of my client, who has a personal interest in the show's success. He has heard snippets of this very discussion throughout his week here and would like to propose a solution.

SBS PD #2
And why should we listen to anything the talent has to say about how to run our show?

MI
I believe the fellow MS Entertainment staff in the room can help testify in favour of how important Siwon-ssi's opinions are.

MSE RISK
(fidgeting)
Ahem. Why don't we hear him out?

MI bows in MSE RISK's direction. When he straightens, he looks confident.

MI
Pre-record the contestant's dance, and roll that footage instead of showing him performing live. If he feels unwell, you can re-film until you get a decent take. He will still be participating for the week but without endangering himself, and you can fill in any airtime gaps with footage you have of his rehearsal week with an emphasis on his ailed situation.

Don't eliminate anyone tomorrow. Instead, do a double elimination next week. If the contestant still isn't fit to perform by then, he can be one of the ones sent home. The audience will not be brokenhearted because this week introduced to them the seriousness of the situation, and it wouldn't be so tragic of a dismissal.

The suits look at each other furtively, considering the idea. The air in the room indicates they are inclined to move forward with this plan, but MI knows they will not be willing to admit that someone absolutely unrelated to the show's production came up with it. MI faux-demurely bows and sees himself out of the room, satisfied with his role.

FADE OUT.

Siwon, by virtue of being the only person with a full understanding of Eunhyuk's condition, drives himself with singular focus to Gyeolbag, Inc as soon as his responsibilities as a guest judge are over.

He has actually never set foot in the clinic before, but he and the practitioner have made themselves acquainted nevertheless.

"Choi Siwon-ssi. It's a pleasure to meet you in person." Shin Donghee stands to greet Siwon, who perfunctorily shakes his hand.

"I wish I could say the same." Siwon sits down first, and Shin-seongsangnim takes the cue. "Well, why don't you go ahead and explain the patient's side effects?"

The memory loss therapist simply nods and listens as Siwon recounts Eunhyuk's fainting at the sight of him, his weakened state upon waking, the reports of nausea. Finally, Shin-seongsangnim says, "This isn't the first time I've seen this happen, but this is certainly the most extreme case."

Siwon shifts to the edge of his seat, eager for more information.

"The long and short of it is that your reappearance in his life is compromising the patient's therapy. The neurons in his brain are trying to access neural pathways related to the stimulus—in this case, you—but can't, and they're effectively throwing a tantrum over something absent that should ostensibly be there. Perhaps the side effects would have been less visceral if he, for example, only saw your photo in passing, but this was sudden, physical, interactive. It's making the neurons try even harder to remember you, which is exacerbating the symptoms."

Siwon's breath leaves him even without exhaling. When will he stop being the reason for Eunhyuk's pain? "I can just arrange for Eunhyuk to come back here, right? He only relapsed a few days ago, and we only interacted twice. It shouldn't be a hassle to remove."

Shin-seongsangnim frowns as he shakes his head. "Unfortunately, that won't help. This kind of therapy requires complete memories to work, and the patient's current memories of you are now inexplicably linked with the gaps I initially created. I can't delete what isn't there."

"I don't understand." He is too frustrated to remember to be polite and keep said frustration out of his tone.

Shin-seongsangnim thinks for a moment, then, "I trust you've heard the phrase 'making memories', yes?" At Siwon's nod, he continues, "Emphasis is on the word making. Remember when you reached out to me all that time ago, and I told you 'memories are like a bridge between thoughts'? Our brains construct them to make thoughts easier to reach. The bridges can be well-travelled, or they can fall into disrepair, which we can analogise to 'forgetting' in the natural sense. The infrastructure is there, but they're simply not well-maintained.

When I induce patients to forget their memories, I'm not just destroying a bridge, I'm breaking it off at both ends and extracting it completely.

When the patient met you again, the first instinct his consciousness had was to cross a bridge that was no longer there. It moved on, of course, to continue building the bridge it needed to solidify this new information, but that knowledge of a missing bridge is now built into the new bridge. If I try to make the patient forget that a bridge is missing, it's like dividing by zero. Too recursive."

Siwon is following along, he really is, but then Shindong brings up math. "If you're already in Eunhyuk's brain, can't you do something about the two ends of the missing bridge to trick him into believing a bridge that's supposed to be there is still there? Push the thoughts closer and weld the edges together or something." Siwon isn't an architect. This metaphor is getting away from him.

Shin-seongsangnim shakes his head again. "Too much discrepancy. Where a bridge starts very rarely matches to where a bridge ends. It would be too confusing to the patient, like playing a movie on DVD and it jumps from Act 1 to Act 3 of the plot. Leaving the bridges alone treats the two acts as if they were their own movies instead of disjointed scenes from the same movie, making it easier on the patient."

And now there is a movie metaphor!? There are a lot of things he doesn't understand about that whole explanation, but one thing he hears loud and clear is: "So you're saying there's nothing we can do to help him?"

"That's not true!" the therapist is quick to assure. "You can avoid the patient completely, which will make him think of you less and thereby cause him less pain. He may even forget you again on his own with enough time and distance. Like you said, you only met twice."

Something tells Siwon he isn't receiving all the information. "Is there another option?"

For the first time all meeting, Shin-seongsangnim fidgets. He clears his throat in the way people do when they're getting ready to say something they know won't be received well, then admits, "I could also reverse the process."

Siwon slouches back into his seat in resignation. If those are his only two options, he knows which one he chooses. As long as he's okay.

Unlike the first time, though, he's not entirely certain it would be the right choice anymore.

Hyukjae doesn't see Choi Siwon at all for the rest of the man's week as the guest celebrity judge. He didn't even come to film a rehearsal footage reel, and Hyukjae knows he filmed one for everyone else. (When he asks about it, the directors explain it just happened that way due to the pre-recording plan. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to him, but he doesn't know enough to challenge it.) He tries not to feel upset about it, but the glaring absence during a week when they should have been running into each other all the time means he can't stop thinking about Siwon.

Unfortunately, anytime thoughts like these flit through his mind, the next instant fills him with immense mental agony. It's like a metallic pinch at the base of his neck which simultaneously numbs his entire brain and causes pulsing pain behind his forehead, almost enough to send him fainting again.

It's obvious to him by the beginning of the new filming week that thinking about Siwon is what triggers his migraine; but when you tell yourself not to think about someone, you obviously are thinking about that person! It's a vicious cycle.

Despite his best efforts, it's apparent that he is not well enough to keep up with the demanding schedule a show like SYTYCD demands, so everyone involved agrees to opt for the voluntary elimination at the end of the week. All that's left for him to do is put everything he can into the rehearsals for his final performance and move out of the dorms the day after show filming.

There is a not insignificant part of him that's frustrated by the turn of events, of course. He really believed he could make it far in the competition, and he was excited about what it would mean for his career. This was his big break. If it weren't for this onset of brain pain with the weirdest, randomest stimulus…

And yet, he can't find it in him to blame Siwon for this at all.

In spite of the headache it causes, his mind keeps replaying what he can remember of their meeting, brief and singular that it was.

Sure, he only got to see that side of Siwon because he fainted; but what was revealed wasn't brand new, dramatic, or even extraordinary. It was a very reasonable level of concern considering the circumstances, but neither was it particularly strange either. In fact, it was downright platonic, in the most flattering sense of the word. Siwon talked to him like they were already friends.

Maybe he was still groggy from fainting, maybe he was particularly vulnerable in the moment, maybe it's just Siwon; but it left such a lasting, fond impression on Hyukjae.

Indeed, he could never blame Choi Siwon for any of this. It's nowhere near his fault.

After a few days of wallowing in self-pity, Hyukjae goes back to working in the studio—

("Thanks for letting me have my job back," Hyukjae had quipped to his boss on his first day back.

"I didn't fire you; I just stopped paying you," the man's gruff voice clarified, which was really the nicest thing Hyukjae may ever hear from him.)

—and it only takes two weeks for people to figure out that's where he works. The studio sees a dramatic increase in business. If he may brag, his classes were already full before fans could buy up the extra space just to spend some time with him; so they buy classes just for a chance to see him in the hallways. Before long, the studio director comes up with a genius idea of selling passes for people to watch him teach a class through the dance room's windows. The studio wasn't necessarily in red before, but they're certainly in the black now.

At some point, SBS or MSE must have shared his email among other entertainment industry professionals because he starts getting offers in droves to be, star in, or do things. The first day his email had 14 unread messages; three days later that number had jumped to 728. He leaves the tab open on his laptop so that he never has to refresh the page and see the number go higher.

"Do you need a manager?"

"What?!" Hyukjae whirls around to find his roommate hovering over his shoulder, staring at his laptop screen with eerie acuity.

"You know, someone to help you manage all of this stuff," Kyuhyun explains with a vague gesture to Hyukjae's open email tab. "Take you to schedules, prepare you for appearances, tell you when you need to go to pilates… They literally manage your life."

"Oh my god, no. I don't think I'm comfortable with that. All I want to do is dance." Hyukjae stares back at his laptop. "It's just… the idea of sifting through all of these offers just to find the things I'm interested in is exhausting."

Kyuhyun snaps. "You need an agent."

"What's the difference?"

"You pay them less, for starters. They're like a door-to-door salesman, but the thing they're selling is you. You just tell your agent the kinds of things you want to do, they go out and find them for you, and you sign on the ones you're interested in. They make a commission off of your appearances, so they will push more onto you then maybe you want, but they'll be less involved in your life than a manager would be."

"... How do you know all this?"

Kyuhyun shrugs. "I have an agent. I can ask her to see if anyone at her company is taking new clients, if you want."

Hyukjae wants to be shocked by this information, but it makes too much sense. He has a long-held suspicion that his roommate has a substantial income stream that he simply never flaunts. If Kyuhyun has an agent, his job isn't just high-earning, it's high-profile as well. Not for the first time, he suppresses the urge to ask about it.

"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Kyu."

That's how he meets Kim Heechul.

They don't get along immediately, but Hyukjae is actually okay with that. He doesn't want to feel bad for or afraid of saying no to the things his agent proposes, and that would work better with some professional distance between them. Still, Hyukjae has no problem acknowledging that Heechul is handsome, well-connected, and receptive to Hyukjae's requests. ("You're literally my most low-maintenance client. If I can't give you what you want from me, I should quit my job already.")

Heechul is exactly what Hyukjae needed to help him leverage his newfound popularity into something that's sustainable, lucrative, and—most importantly—fun. When Hyukjae admits he'd like to find more professional dance opportunities, it doesn't even take Heechul a day to respond with an opportunity to choreograph a number for a car commercial, an offer to be a guest mentor on an idol survival show, and even an audition for the Korean production of Fame. (He declines the last one on account of his poor stamina. He's not an idol; all his performance breath goes towards dancing.)

One time, Heechul manages to get him looped into an athleisure endorsement campaign at which other contestants from SYTYCD were signed to appear. He wasn't particularly close with the girl who won or some of the other dancers present, but it was nice to catch up with them nevertheless.

Heechul has also been trying to convince Hyukjae to start a youtube channel, but he's not very convinced about that one yet.

It's easy to admit that Hyukjae likes this life a lot more than his old one, but it's still a disappointment sometimes, too. He really thought getting to make a living out of performing was going to be the thing that finally fulfilled him, but in the off moments when he commutes to a gig or unwinds in the bath after a long day, he is still hit with the familiar feeling that something is missing.

Hyukjae has taken to wearing sunglasses, a mask, and a baseball cap when he leaves the house. He's not as famous as an actor or even an idol, but all the times he does get noticed when he's out and about disconcert him enough to want the additional protection. He really does appreciate the attention and support, but only in certain environments, like the studio.

The fact that he can still recognise Choi Siwon in a similar get-up makes him think he needs to rethink his disguise.

Hyukjae is out to lunch with Ryeowook, catching up one-on-one for the first time in a while. By virtue of their outdoor seating, he can see the actor settle in for his own afternoon meal at a restaurant across the street. His sunglasses are traded for a pair of reading glasses, he's leaned back in his chair in a lackadaisical pose that highlights the lines of his body, and his hands are occupied: one with an open newspaper and the other with his hot beverage of choice which Hyukjae cannot discern from here.

The migraines that used to plague him months earlier return but luckily without a vengeance. He doesn't faint on sight again, which is certainly progress. Maybe he's built up some sort of tolerance; maybe time truly does heal all wounds. He casually rummages around in his body bag for the pain relief pills his general physician prescribed for him and swallows two down with a sip of his sweetened iced tea.

This, of course, does not escape his friend's notice.

"Aren't those your migraine pills?" Ryeowook asks with a furrowed brow.

"Yeah, I was just hit with some nausea again. Don't sweat it."

Ryeowook jumps out of his seat and starts looking around. "He's here?!"

Hyukjae reaches his hands out to get Ryeowoook to calm down, calling upon all the discipline he doesn't possess to reign in his desire to look over at Siwon to see if he's caught sight of this debacle. Ryeowook would surely notice where his attention went, and he'd have a much bigger problem on his hands. "Yes, but please calm down! What are you going to do, march over to him and demand an apology? This isn't his problem."

"Like hell this isn't his problem!" Ryeowook refutes as he finally settles back into his seat. "He should be paying for your medical bills, at the very least!"

"South Korea has universal healthcare."

"Still!"

"Please, Ryeowook. We're here to have a nice lunch and catch up, and the lunch part is almost over. Let it go?" Hyukjae pleads.

Ryeowook's fierce protectiveness is still obvious in the set of his jaw, but he fortunately doesn't press the topic further, instead asking Hyukjae if he wants to split dessert.

After lunch, they go their separate ways, but Hyukjae takes the opportunity to double-back and see if Siwon is still across the street. He gamefully refused to look over the entire time he was with Ryeowook, and a peculiar sense of disappointment courses through him at the thought that Siwon had left before Hyukjae could decide what to do about him.

Fate seems to take it out of his hands for Hyukjae literally runs into Siwon as he turns the corner.

"Hyukjae! Are you okay?" the other man says in surprise as he steadies Hyukjae with hands on his shoulder, and Hyukjae has to suppress the urge to melt. Choi Siwon remembers his name!

He risks the headache just to look up into Siwon's face, still covered by a mask but eyes unobstructed. They're closer than they were back in MS Entertainment's infirmary, but Siwon-ssi is still as handsome.

Hyukjae whirls on his heel as the pinch at the base of his skill threatens to reach the backs of his eyes. "Yes! Yes, I'm fine. Sorry for bumping into you, and sorry for turning away right now. It's just…" He doesn't know how much to tell the other man. This isn't Siwon's problem, he reminds himself. "Remember how I fainted that one time? My migraines have a specific trigger that, uh, happened to be activated just now. It's easier on me if I face this way."

He winces, but in embarrassment instead of pain. God, he is just doomed to always misrepresent his intentions around this man, isn't he? He hopes Siwon doesn't try to move in front of him out of a misguided attempt to be helpful.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear they've come back. I'll take my leave now; please prioritise your health." He pats Hyukjae's shoulders—once, firmly—and lets him go; without really thinking about it, Hyukjae reaches out behind him to grab onto Siwon's hands before he can get too far.

Just when he realises his impropriety and attempts to retract, Siwon's hands squeeze his hands (and heart) in turn.

Hyukjae stills. The background noise of cars on the street, the view of the sidewalk in front of him, the aftertaste of strawberry syrup from the cheesecake, even his headache… All of his senses dull into focus on the two points of contact between them.

He bolsters his bravery. "Would you want to sit down somewhere and talk?"

His heart beats once, quarce, sixteen times, and then, "Lead the way."

FILE: 611-15052022.html

PRACTITIONER: HAN GENG
PATIENT: CHOI SIWON
ID#: 611
DATE: 15 MAY 2022
[] ROUTINE
[x] AD-HOC

REASON FOR AD-HOC APPOINTMENT

PATIENT #611 [link to 611-DOSSIER.html] requested non-routine therapy session to discuss latest interaction with EX-PARTNER [link to 611_EX-PARTNER-DOSSIER.html].

BODY

Patient is still concerned with Ex-partner's health status [link to 611-12052022.html] in aftermath of compromised memory loss therapy. Notification from SNS (Twitter) prompts ill-considered visit to last known recorded location of Ex-partner in order to visually verify condition. This marks the second sighting of Ex-partner since initial compromise [link to 611-10022022.html].

Patient does not approach Ex-partner but does observe from afar for extended period of time. Change in location facilitates interaction, initiated by Ex-partner. Ex-partner demonstrates affected health conditions due to Patient's presence, but Patient sustains interaction nevertheless (approximately five hours).

Patient provides method of contact at Ex-partner's request under duplicitous means: Patient guessed that Ex-partner has same phone from initial dating period (pre-patient timeline; earliest documentation at [link to 611-27082019.html]) where Patient's number is likely blocked, so Patient provides Manager's [link to 611_MANAGER-DOSSIER.html] phone number instead and plans to buy Manager a new phone. Patient and Ex-partner have been in near-constant communication since.

When confronted with motto [link to 611_ALAHO-DOSSIER.html], Patient claims to have developed strategies that ensure Ex-Partner's migraines do not continue in Patient's presence. Awareness that the response is not answering the implied question & doubt in the long-term sustainability of these strategies to begin with are evident, but investigation will be reserved for another day.

Patient expresses intent to keep relationship purely platonic but acknowledges a sense that Ex-partner may desire more when prompted. Patient identifies behaviour is regressive of own volition yet refutes the possibility of broaching memory loss therapy with Ex-partner when prompted.

OBSERVATIONS

Patient's typically formidable constitution notably weaker with regards to Ex-partner [link to 611-04042021.html], [link to 611-04042022.html]. Possibly related to lack of familial support regarding career shift [link to 611-19082021.html], strict and formal rearing [link to 611-11022021.html], and/or malleable sense of self [link to 611-16122020.html].

Patient confirms Twitter is the same website where photos of Client and Ex-partner together surfaced two years ago, which initially prompted the break-up which catalyses the memory loss therapy chain of events whose ripple effects are felt in today's session.

GOALS FOR NEXT APPOINTMENT

- Review concepts of self-sabotage and avoidant attachment style
- Ask after potential familial reconnection since returning to South Korea
- Get Patient off of Twitter

They are certainly dating—at least, Hyukjae hopes so.

Ever since that day after lunch, he and Siwon had been meeting up regularly. It starts like sitting back to back at adjacent tables in restaurants, then turns into online movie watch parties on the weekends, which evolves into phone calls while snuggled in their respective beds and fighting the urge to sleep first.

Hyukjae is amazed at how easy being with Siwon is. The man is a TV star for crying out loud! He's well-read and well-travelled and well-tailored to boot. He should be one of the most intimidating men Hyukjae would ever meet in his entire life.

But Siwon is also incredibly down to earth. His tastes aren't so refined that he can't appreciate non-luxury versions of the same experiences. He takes the effort to ensure that he's always presenting an authentic self to Hyukjae out of recognition that much of his living is predicated on making himself and his life accessible to the public as well. He never once questions why they don't interact face-to-face or that Hyukjae can only be with him for so long before he needs to bow out and mentally recover. When they're together, Hyukjae can tell he's the center of Siwon's attention without ever being in his sight. It's nice.

Hyukjae's own burgeoning celebrity is nothing compared to Siwon's fame, but Siwon is still incredibly conscientious of how precarious and precious it is. On top of catering to the other limitations being with Hyukjae entails, Siwon seems to be quite practised at this clandestine dating stuff, always knowing where to go and what to do when they're there so as to not draw attention to the fact they're together. It's actually kind of fun at first, the sneaking around, but Hyukjae takes the time to note how bittersweet it is as well. Anonymity is the price he paid for a fulfilling performance career, and he misses the subtle freedom of walking down a street knowing no one is paying attention to him at all. Among the many other things he's grateful to Siwon for, the fact he's able to commiserate with Hyukjae's layered emotions in a way his friends never could is definitely one of them.

Today he isn't thinking about any of that though, far more preoccupied with the more fun, gossip-y parts of dating a celebrity.

"I looked you up, you know." He had to keep Safe Search on so that all the pictures were censored by default, but he could still read. "I learned some interesting things about you."

There is the unmistakable scrape of metal utensil on ceramic plate. Hyukjae doesn't have class until later today, so they elect to pass the time grabbing lunch at a franchise restaurant not far from the studio. "Oh yeah, like what?"

"You dated another man before, and people know it! And you were still hired for things, both in South Korea and abroad! That's huge!"

Siwon chuckles. "People were willing to believe it was just a rumour or a phase."

"People's careers were sabotaged over a lot less," Hyukjae points out, and there's a rustle of fabric that Hyukjae imagines is Siwon shrugging. "Does this mean you're, like, out now?"

Siwon takes his time to answer. "I think it's an open secret in my company. My manager and some people on my team know for sure; I'm certain some others do as well. No one talks about it, though. As for outside the company… Like I said, people are willing to believe what they want to believe."

That sounds deceptively easy to Hyukjae, and he says as much. "I don't know if you know this, but I'm kind of a big deal," Siwon brags in response.

Hyukjae snorts. "Is that all it takes for some collective societal forgiveness, a little fame?" he asks rhetorically. "That's not so bad. I wonder why people keep complaining."

When Siwon snickers, he sounds nasal in a way his speaking voice never does, and Hyukjae relishes in the display of undignified amusement. It's so at odds with the way Siwon normally carries himself, and he's a man who loves duality.

He pivots back to the previous topic. "This guy you dated, was he a normie? Is that why you're so good at this?"

He means to ask with polite interest; but as soon as the question is out, his pulse races at the potential answers nevertheless. Siwon is silent for a long moment.

Not for the first time—but perhaps for the strongest time—Hyukjae wishes he could look at him, see what his face is telling him that his voice won't, once he speaks. People on the internet love talking about how he's the face king, the king of reactions… and that's the one part of Siwon Hyukjae can never have.

Siwon doesn't demean Hyukjae by pretending nothing's wrong. He instead affects a tone that indicates he's not going to be talking about it, and Hyukjae can respect that. "Aside from you, I've never dated another noncelebrity."

All of his curiosities take a backseat to this confirmation. "So we're dating? For real, for real dating?"

Siwon sounds like himself again when he replies, "If you want to be my boyfriend, that is."

"What about you? What do you want?"

"I want to keep having you around."

Hyukjae leans back to reach for Siwon's hand and finds that Siwon was already meeting him halfway. "I want that, too."

~~~

Siwon is amazed at how easy being with Eunhyuk is. By all accounts, it shouldn't be.

For one thing, people change. Two years is more than enough time for either him or Eunhyuk to have developed incompatible personalities; it just happens. For another thing, Siwon couldn't refer to any of their shared history (or in Eunhyuk's case, lack thereof) in order to preserve Eunhyuk's therapy. He could only keep his side of the conversation to the last two years.

It would have been easier for him to put a break on things if either of those issues would just manifest themselves while spending time with Eunhyuk, but the memory loss makes it like the Eunhyuk from when they first met three years ago is preserved in a time capsule, the contents of which are revealed to him once again and are overwhelming him with the most potent of nostalgia. If Siwon's personality did change at all in his time away, it has come undone with thoughtless ease. In fact, it rather feels like he is resettled into himself again as opposed to reverting to a previous version, but this time with the added experience and self-awareness that comes from living abroad.

For a final thing, he is knowingly and actively taking advantage of Eunhyuk's memory loss—which he facilitated!—for his own benefit. Of course, a second chance at a relationship isn't why he social-engineered Eunhyuk to that clinic, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions; at this point, Dante would have written a circle just for him to occupy.

Like he told Geng, he never planned on reconnecting with Eunhyuk upon coming back to Korea; once SYTYCD threw that out the window, he was only going to settle for friendship. Their own schedules would play a natural role in keeping them distant while giving him the access to Eunhyuk which he still craved… But then he spent a full afternoon in the other's charming company. Just because he thought he could never have this again doesn't mean he ever stopped wanting, but as he has learned: there is no other resolution to such a plot. Any iteration of Siwon will fall for any iteration of Eunhyuk, over and over and over again. The guilt is nothing compared to the joy.

It is so remarkably easy to be in love with Eunhyuk that being in love with Hyukjae is the only difficult part about this whole arrangement.

Too often does Siwon almost slip up and call Hyukjae by the wrong name. This Hyukjae has never had the confidence that comes with meeting a stranger to give a try to going by his stage name, and his friends have clearly played their part well in the aftermath of the treatment. If Siwon wants to keep this going, he better break himself of this habit and fast.

He can admit to himself that yes, he does want to keep this going, even though he is entirely certain that this, too, is not the right choice. As long as he's okay left the building the second they crossed paths again, and it is only a matter of time.

Donghae calls for a not-at-all monthly group meet up in Hyukjae's and Kyuhyun's apartment because "I haven't seen you in forever."

The afternoon starts typically enough. When Hyukjae lets the guests in, they each kiss him on the cheek as they enter, even Kyuhyun (begrudgingly) although he lives here. Considering all of his friends are varying degrees of , this isn't the worst or even weirdest prank he's been subjected to, so he doesn't really think much of it.

He, Sungmin, and Donghae settle in to play a couple rounds of FIFA while Ryeowook and Kyuhyun make lunch in the kitchen. When it's Sungmin and Donghae's turn to play against each other, they make a big deal out of fighting each other to get Justin Fashanu in their clubs even though his player guarantees low team chemistry. Hyukjae thinks it's suspicious, but he doesn't play the game enough to know for sure.

For dessert, Ryeowook brings out a cake that Hyukjae is certain they didn't have time to bake while preparing lunch. Ryeowook cuts into the cake and reveals rainbow layers within, and Hyukjae thinks he finally figures it out.

He meets each of his friends' earnest eyes around the table, and that confirms it.

He knows he doesn't have to say anything, but he also isn't the same person he was three years ago. The Hyukjae of before who fastidiously chose his words and controlled his glances would be terrified at the idea of his friends finding him out, but the Hyukjae now is more amused at his friends' well-meaning ploy than anything. He likes the idea of trusting them with this.

"Okay, so you guys have figured out I'm gay." He aims for nonchalance, and he thinks it mostly works. "What clued you in, the fact I've never had a girlfriend?"

"Psh, if that was all it took, I would think Kyuhyun were gay too," Donghae waves easily.

"Relationships are cumbersome."

"What they mean," Sungmin cuts in with a glare, "is that it doesn't matter how we found out, what matters is that you know it doesn't change anything for us. You're still our friend, and we're still yours."

"Yeah, and we won't tell anyone, of course. If you want it to stay a secret, we'll help you keep it," Ryeowook says as he plates a slice for Hyukjae imploringly.

Hyukjae takes a bite to placate Ryeowook's eat-your-feelings tendencies and to give himself time to check in with himself. To be honest, the only thing he's feeling right now is weirded out because they're being so genuine, and that's not a common theme of their interactions.

He says as much, and Donghae immediately points fingers at Sungmin and Ryeowook. "Blame these two! I told them we should have bought you one of those stuffed plushies that chicks get for their bachelorette parties!"

"And I told you that I share a credit account with my parents!" Ryeowook yelled back. "I would have to out Hyukjae to explain that purchase to them!"

"Or you could have manned up and claimed it was a purchase for yourself. Who's homophobic now?" Donghae links his hands behind his head and tilts his chair back in self-righteousness.

Ryeowook facepalms, and Sungmin plates him his own slice of cake in consolation. Kyuhyun points out, "You could have bought it yourself without telling any of us. It wouldn't have interfered with the plan."

Donghae visibly freezes, and Ryeowook takes the opportunity to push Donghae over in his chair.

Sungmin turns to Hyukjae in the commotion that follows and says, "Anyway, now you know we know. If you were hiding from us before, you don't need to anymore. We'll be safe for you."

Hyukjae is so overwhelmed with gratitude. His friends could be varying degrees of sentimental when they wanted to be.

"I guess now would be the time to mention I have a boyfriend?" Hyukjae confesses, and the bickering across the table stops.

"WHAT! Since when?!" Ryeowook screeches with delight.

Hyukjae can't help the way his shoulders rise to his ears in bashfulness at everyone's attention. He's going from never talking about this to blurting everything out like a cracked dam, but despite the overwhelming situation, he's excited to talk about this with them.

"We started going on dates maybe like three months ago? But it was only a few weeks ago that we agreed to be each other's boyfriends," he answers with a blush.

"Taking three months to DTR isn't the worst timing," Donghae muses.

"You've been seeing someone new for the same time period that you've been doing all that extra dance work? Isn't that a lot of change?" Kyuhyun comments with disdain.

"Oh, is he another dancer? Did you meet on set somewhere?" Sungmin asks.

"I did meet him on set!" he confirms excitedly, then he pauses. Siwon and Hyukjae haven't talked about whether or not Hyukjae could tell people, mostly because there was no one to tell. That's not the case anymore, is it?

Hyukjae rationalises to himself: Siwon has mentioned his uality is an open secret before; his previous dalliance with another man is Internet knowledge; plus, Siwon cherishes Hyukjae to an insane degree. He really thinks this will be okay, and if not… "The set of So You Think You Can Dance. It's Siwon."

The interest in his friends eyes slowly morph into varying degrees of dread and murder. (Well, the murder is mostly on Ryeowook's part.) It doesn't feel like oh-my-god-beloved-Hallyu-actor-Choi-Siwon-is-gay horror, so: "Uh, what's wrong?"

"You're dating the guy who's the cause of your migraines," Sungmin points out with thinly-veiled judgement.

"Well, just because he happens to be related to my nausea doesn't mean he's a bad guy. There are way worse red flags out there."

"Hyukjae, the flag is so red it's on fire! The man is so flawed his presence causes you literal, physical pain!" Ryeowook bursts.

"We have a system; I barely even get headaches around him anymore—Wait, is that really it?" he cuts himself off. "Are you really against me dating Siwon just because of this? The migraine thing is such a fluke, just a really weird coincidence. It's not that serious."

"But it is!"

Hyukjae is willing to accept that exclamation as Donghae's uncharacteristic catastrophising, but the sudden glares from everyone else around the table make him think that there is a shared knowledge to which he is distinctly not privy.

"What is going on? What aren't you guys telling me?"

Kyuhyun slaps Donghae upside the head. "Good going, idiot. What are we supposed to say now? There's no recovering from that."

Hyukjae looks to Ryeowook, not because he thinks Ryeowook is the easiest to break down but because Ryeowook is the one he trusts the most. However Ryeowook reacts in this situation will be the lead Hyukjae follows.

Ryeowook shuts his eyes, seeming to come to the same realisation. Finally, "You underwent memory loss therapy two years ago."

The apartment is silent. Ryeowook opens his eyes again and directs his glare to the table. "The person you were trying to forget is Siwon. Now that you've met him again, it's messing with your treatment. That's why you only have headaches related to him."

Ryeowook crosses his arms, telegraphing that he isn't willing to say more, but that's more than enough for Hyukjae.

"'Memory loss therapy'? That doesn't even sound real."

He meets the eyes of everyone around the table, trying to find clues that this is some sort of long-con elaborate prank, but all he sees are solemn, serious faces. He chuckles disbelievingly. "Why would I even do that? What, did I hate his dramas? Was I his anti-fan?"

Sungmin tsks. "Even about this, you can still find a way to make a joke."

Hyukjae's pulse spikes. "What?"

"What?"

"Just now, what did you say?" For some reason, this is very important to him.

"I'm complaining about you, dickhead. This is a serious matter, and you're still making wisecracks."

"Siwon said that too, once," Hyukjae realises.

"So? Anyone who's met you would be able to figure out that you don't know how to take a single thing seriously," Kyuhyun snides.

Hyukjae shakes his head. "But he said 'still'. The day I woke up from fainting after meeting him the first time, he came to check on me in the medical room. He asked me if I had met with a doctor yet, and I was all, 'No 'cause if I get kicked out, I'll have plenty of time to see a doctor,' and he said… Well, he didn't finish his thought, but he said, 'Even about this, you can still…'"

Hyukjae trails off, stopping short of drawing any conclusions despite the picture he has in mind. He clears his throat. "Let's say I believe you, that memory loss therapy is real. Why would I make myself forget Siwon, specifically? What did I want to forget?"

~~~

His friends end up making an appointment on his behalf.

"All those questions you were asking us? You knew the answers already, once, and you chose to forget them. If you really want to know, it shouldn't be something your friends tell you to experience secondhand. If you really want to know, you could remember it yourself, and the people there are the only ones who can help you with that," Ryeowook had warned.

The appointment is in the evening—Gyeolbag, Inc. only operates at night, apparently. The address is one of those rented out office spaces in a part of Seoul that could almost be called a suburb, and it feels too much like the scene that kicks the plot into motion in a psychological thriller. Not entirely sure he's making the wise decision here, he signs in for his appointment and waits for the doctor.

"I prefer to call myself a therapist," Shin Donghee corrects as he welcomes Hyukjae into his office. Hyukjae hastily bows in apology, but Shin-seonsaengnim easily waves away his concerns.

"You were the, um, the therapist that treated me two years ago, right? When I fainted and hit my head?"

Shin-seonsaengnim rifles through a file on the desk before him. "Yes, that is correct. I trust you're doing well? Any more fainting spells since then?"

That's a great place to start. "Actually, yeah. That's why I wanted to come talk to you. I fainted again a few months ago, and I've been experiencing nausea off and on since then."

The therapist nods. "It's been a few years, but that can happen. Have you been keeping track of your headaches? Have they been getting stronger or weaker over time?"

Hyukjae is about to answer, but then, "I didn't mention I had headaches."

Shin-seonsaengnim freezes for a split second, but he recovers with a smile. "Excuse me for presuming. Those symptoms often go hand-in-hand, you see."

That makes sense, but these are not the answers he came here to find. "I didn't faint two years ago, did I?"

The therapist is still smiling, but Hyukjae can see the way his eyes are scrutinising Hyukjae, trying to figure out how much he knows. After a moment, the man sighs; whatever veneer of personality he was maintaining in order to preserve the ruse melts out of him on that breath.

He folds his hands and leans forward on the desk, all shrewd, straightforward, and professional. "I'm guessing you came here today because you already know you didn't? Because you're interested in remembering what it is you forgot?"

Hyukjae doesn't deny the conjecture, and the therapist nods to himself.

"I'm going to be honest with you, Hyukjae-ssi. You're the first person who has ever come to me wishing to reverse the process. It's possible," he answers once he sees Hyukjae's question arise on his face, "and I theoretically know how to do it, but I hope you can understand why I'm hesitant. You've spent the past two years living and learning and remembering without approximately a years' worth of data. Inputting that back into your system, giving you those memories back, are due cause for mental trauma the likes of which have never been documented before in the decade or so since memory loss therapy became possible. I have no advice to give you for how to live a life with re-remembered memories, no warnings to impart. It is a massive health risk that I almost want to reject on principle."

His gaze takes on that ascertaining quality again, but this time Hyukjae does not feel like the one being judged.

"Unfortunately—perhaps, fortunately for you," he begins again, "I am as curious about the results as you seem to be about your forgotten memories."

Hyukjae blinks. Does that mean…?

Shin-seonsaengnim stands up abruptly and motions for Hyukjae to follow him through a door behind his desk. It leads to a room that Hyukjae recognises as the one he woke up in after his fainting spell—his memory loss treatment, he corrects in his mind—two years ago.

Hyukjae reclines in the bed, the same as he must have woken up in, and sits still for Shin-seonsaengnim to affix adhesive electrodes on his temples and the base of his neck, the same as he must have done. The therapist finishes preparing him for the procedure and moves towards the computer in the room.

"Are you ready to remember?"

~~~

When Hyukjae wakes up in the morning, there are dried tear tracks on his face that feel familiar and an ache in his soul that he never healed.

Siwon hasn't heard from Eunhyuk all day. Not necessarily did he expect to, but he is unused to silence from that phone.

Since they're begun dating again, Eunhyuk has fallen back on his old habit of texting Siwon pictures of whatever he's doing or seeing throughout the day. They aren't conversation starters so much as they are updates, the way someone might use their Instagram stories. It warms Siwon's heart now like it did back when they first dated.

Earlier today he sent Eunhyuk a picture of his coffee and the book he was reading while waiting for a meeting to start, and then again a picture of the dog leaning out the window of the car next to his at a red light. There were no snarky quips about his pretentiousness, no heart eyes over the dog.

He tries not to think too much about it when he messages Eunhyuk again that evening.

Hope you had a good day today! Are we still on for our date tomorrow?

yes.

That's it? No emojis, no 'Can't wait to see you'?

Is everything okay? You were kind of quiet today.

can we meet at your place tomorrow?

That redirects Siwon's attention completely. Whatever anxiety he had felt about Eunhyuk's unresponsiveness and terse messages takes a backseat to a baser instinct.

He hasn't touched Eunhyuk's body in so long.

He shakes his head, reprimanding his brain for going there. Just because Eunhyuk wanted to meet at his house doesn't mean they're going to be doing anything. He probably just wanted some privacy.

… But why would he want privacy? Factor in how weird he was acting today, and Siwon is all too willing to draw a certain conclusion.

Of course! Do you want me to come pick you up?

just send me the address, i'll see you tomorrow

The tone of Eunhyuk's texts don't change, but Siwon won't be deterred: Eunhyuk is coming over tomorrow.

Siwon pays for a cleaning service to come twice a week, but he puts in a request for a morning rush order and gladly pays the surcharge. Otherwise, he gives the rest of the house staff the day off. Eunhyuk wants privacy.

At home, he doesn't have the benefit of restaurant tables side by side to accommodate Eunhyuk's migraines; he can only rearrange his furniture. The couch which normally faces inwards turns to the entryway, and he sets up a card table and his office chair right behind the back of the couch, facing the opposite direction.

With only a minimal amount of embarrassment, he exchanges his bedsheets for fresh linens.

He starts cooking. It's probably cheating, but he still remembers Eunhyuk's favourite dish. He spends an hour watching several youtube videos claiming to teach him 'how to elevate your ramen. He winds up making three kinds from which Eunhyuk can choose.

We didn't talk about it, but don't worry. I have something set up so you don't have to look at me. I'll leave the door unlocked; just come right on in.

He texted Eunhyuk earlier in the day but didn't get a response. When he begins plating his own food, he contemplates sending another text when he hears the door unlock. Siwon zooms over to his seat with haste and his bowl and faces steadfastly forward, chopsticks clenched in hand like a desperate grip on his own sanity.

What he would give right now to be able to turn around and see Eunhyuk cross the threshold into his apartment for the first time in three years.

He means to greet him, but he's preoccupied, so attuned he is to the sound of Eunhyuk shuffling into the entryway, taking off his jacket and shoes, walking forward to investigate the set-up in his open concept living room. He can conjure the sight in his mind's eye if he tries hard enough.

It's only when he approximates Eunhyuk is approaching the kitchen that he starts talking. "Welcome to my home! I'd be a better host, but, considering the circumstances…" He trails off awkwardly but finds a new thought to voice just as quickly. "I made us ramen! There are a few kinds. Help yourself to the bowls and chopsticks on the counter."

Eunhyuk's footsteps bypass the kitchen without stopping and head towards the couch, and Siwon sits up straighter in his chair. He hasn't said anything since he arrived. Maybe he really is upset about something. "Um, how was your day?" Siwon tries again, hand outstretched behind him in a silent bid for Eunhyuk's acknowledgement.

If it wasn't enough of a tip off that Eunhyuk stands right in front of him, the unadulterated mix of melancholy and fury on his face does the trick.

He remembers.

Siwon's chopsticks and genial mood drop immediately, and he doesn't try to pretend not to know what had happened. "I'm sorry. You have to believe me, I'm sorry."

"Forgive me, Siwon-ssi," Eunhyuk says in that threatening way of angry people speaking politely, "I have trouble accepting apologies from people who have been lying to me since we met."

"That's not true!" Siwon exclaims as he stands, but Eunhyuk ignores that he said anything. "You knew, didn't you? You had to know; you did all these things," and here he gestures to the rearranged living room, "without even probing into my condition further. You didn't even question it when we met on set and I acted like I've never seen you before in my life!

"In fact, I've been doing some thinking since I got my memories back. I hadn't even heard of memory loss therapy before, and all of a sudden I get a coupon in the mail for an all-expense paid session? That's a little suspicious, don't you think?"

Siwon knows what he's indirectly asking him. "I'm the one who paid for it, who told them how to contact you. I thought… I thought it would help."

It did, for a while. "It might have,'' Hyukjae says instead, and then he becomes angry again. "But it would have worked better if you had it done too. Why do you deserve to remember who I am and make me forget my own memories? Why did you make me undergo treatment when it would end up genuinely injuring me to remember you? Was it all part of some plan?"

Eunhyuk is hurtling so many misconstrued, false accusations at him; Siwon is too overwhelmed to properly respond. "Huh?"

"Yeah, yeah," Hyukjae says, convincing himself more and more with every word. "You find a way to erase my memories, then you come back into my life and try to redo our relationship. A clean slate."

This one he can react to. "Oh my god, no. It wasn't like that; it was never like that!"

"Then what was it? Tell me. Genuinely, I want to know what the actual is wrong with you, getting me to fall for you twice, talking to me about your ex-boyfriend when that ex was actually me. Did you have fun? Did you get a good laugh at my expense?'

"It wasn't some prank; I missed you. Is that so hard to believe?" Siwon is begging, pleading for him to understand. "God, I missed you so much. I spent all that time away doing everything I could to get over you, and I ended up right back where I started. Doesn't that mean anything?"

"You are the reason we had to spend time away! Did you forget that part? Did you forget that you broke up with me to 'keep me safe'? Did you forget you made that decision all by yourself? And, actually, while we're on the topic: what changed? What's so different that you can date me now but you couldn't before?!"

"Everything! There is so much difference between now and when we broke up. The fact I date men is an open secret, and you're famous in your own right. I know you don't like to think about it that way, and I know you don't love everything that comes with it, but you are, and it affords you protections you didn't have before."

Eunhyuk snorts. "I wasn't even in any real danger before. You broke up with me out of the potential for danger. Who does that?"

"A man in love." Siwon's voice hardens into a surety. Of all the things he needed to convince Eunhyuk, this cannot be one of them.

Hyukjae freezes. When it comes to Siwon, 'love' will always have too many layers of meaning.

Eunhyuk's silence encourages Siwon. "I needed you safe before I needed you happy. Nothing else mattered to me. Can you understand? I was so in love with you. I don't think I ever said the words, but it's true; you need to know it's true."

Of course he never did. They have something more powerful than that—at least, they did. Before. Did Siwon forget that too? Why isn't he saying them now? Why is he mad that Siwon isn't saying them now?

And he is. So mad.

"I need to get out of here." Hyukjae turns on his heel, but Siwon's arm catches him. "Eunhyuk, wait!"

He whirls back around with blazing ire in his eyes. "Excuse me? What did you just call me?"

Siwon didn't even mean to. He just didn't want the other to leave with so much left to explain, and it slipped out.

"Is that my name in your head? Is that what you've been calling me this whole time? You'll say Hyukjae to my face but keep that stupid stage name in your head?!"

"I told you before that I like calling you that," Siwon meekly defends.

"Yeah, in the before that you paid for me to forget? That before? Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that."

"Hyukjae." Siwon emphasises the syllables, and Hyukjae hates the way that sounds too. Before Siwon can say any more, Hyukjae says, "Let me go."

With a start, Siwon steps back, letting go of Hyukjae's upper arm and raising his hands in surrender. "Please let me explain," he entreats once again.

Hyukjae doesn't think there's anything Siwon could tell him right now that would make any of this—those lost years, the months of migraines and nausea, the sacrifice of his private life—okay. "I'm going to go now, and I want you to leave me alone."

With resigned yet deliberate movement, Siwon takes his phone out of his pocket. Siwon shows him as he deletes the other's number, an overdramatic commitment to Hyukjae's wants that he can now easily recognise as something that has never changed about Siwon. It shoots through his heart like a lance.

"If you ever want to hear from me again, it will be on your own terms. I promise you."

So many promises. "Okay," is all he says, and he leaves Siwon's condo. He knows Siwon won't follow him no matter what, but he keeps walking until he's sure that he couldn't remember how to walk back. The sun was still out when he got to Siwon's, but he could tell it would set soon. He pulls out his phone.

"Hyukjae?"

"Ryeowook, can you come pick me up?"

Geng's mild tone and crisp syllables carry well across the video call. "So you haven't spoken since?"

"No. I have no means of contacting him, and he hasn't reached out to me."

"Hm. How do you feel about that?"

"Disappointed, of course, but mostly in myself. I've been telling myself for years that it didn't matter what happened to me as long as he's okay; and I went and undid it all with my selfishness. I knew this couldn't last, but I wanted it anyway. A part of me will always want Eun—Hyukjae, and that's the part I listened to."

Geng nods at Siwon's correction as he takes notes. Despite the many things Geng cautioned against him, referring to Hyukjae by his given name was something of which he was very supportive. Siwon can't know if Hyukjae would have still frozen him out even if he didn't insult such a massive part of his identity, but he can start trying to do better by Hyukjae after the fact.

"Since we only have a few minutes left, mind if we talk about your family?" Geng pivots, and Siwon lets him.

"I reached out to them, let them know I'm back personally." It's almost six months after the fact, but his family doesn't begrudge him those months. They're a very laissez-faire group, his parents especially. They supported everything he did insofar as they never cut him off, but nothing more active than that. It's not the worst way to rear a child. He and his sister turned out rather well-adjusted, after all.

"How did they take it?"

"Well, actually. We're going to brunch in a few weekends. Mom even picked the location."

"That's good to hear. Are you looking forward to it?"

"Sort of? I definitely was at first, and I suppose I still am, but I'm still kind of hung up on…"

Siwon doesn't finish the sentence, but Geng doesn't need him to. "I understand. You went against your character and ended up hurting the person you care about the most. For people who pride themselves on their integrities, nothing is more damning."

Damning indeed. Damned if he didn't, damned if he did. Dante outdid himself with this one.

Geng pops his wrist out of the cuff of his sleeve and checks his watch. "It seems we're at time. Is there anything you'd like to share before we adjourn?" Siwon shakes his head. "Alright. See you in two weeks, Siwon-xiansheng. Take care."

After they hang up, Mi speaks up from his spot at the wheel. "That sounds like it went well."

Siwon settles into the passenger seat and closes his eyes. "I think it did, yeah."

They're driving to a magazine shoot and on-location interview out in Seoraksan National Park, and the theme is 'exposure'. It coincided with his regularly scheduled therapy sessions, and Mi encouraged him to 'get it all out' so that he doesn't accidentally say something he doesn't want printed. Siwon's team approved the interview questions ahead of time, but Mi was right to exercise an abundance of caution. Like Siwon told Geng, he is still hung up on Hyukjae.

The godsend that he is, Mi is doing everything he can to keep Siwon busy without full-on booking him for another drama. So far, it has just been cameos and some variety appearances, both on screen and online. Youtube is a big source of content for South Korea now in a way it wasn't before he left, which he still has to get used to. This is the first time he's being professionally photographed and interviewed since he left China.

"You know, it might not be a bad idea to mention the anniversary. The magazine would be published in time to celebrate. It could really drum up interest, donations."

The anniversary in question is the five year anniversary since Siwon established a non-profit primary school in Tongod, Malaysia, to assist with the country's educational gap driven by socioeconomic influences. Funding has largely come from his own annuity, but the additional income from his celebrity has ensured he could continue to support these students for many years to come.

He hasn't visited since the opening ceremony, but he receives quarterly reports from the principal and pictures of school events when possible. When he reads about how many students are graduating or how the soccer club won a friendly match against another school, he is overwhelmed with pride for what he's enabled there.

"I could offer them some pictures from Encik Musa-ssi's latest email," Siwon replies by way of agreement.

Mi tsks. "It's a shame you haven't visited recently. A picture of you with the kids would be such good PR… Would it be too much to fly you there and back for a weekend photo op?"

Siwon opens his eyes with a frown. "They're students, not props," but his mind is stuck on something else. He does want to go back. If there were ever a time to revisit a school you almost single-handedly stood up, it would be on its five month anniversary.

He sits up with a jolt. "What if I stay for longer than a weekend?"

"How much longer is longer?" Mi asks apprehensively.

"Five months to celebrate five years!" His brain is moving faster than his ears can comprehend Mi's confusion. With that much time, he can help teach, he can help repair, he can learn more so that he can continue conducting philanthropy that has an impact.

It plans itself so neatly in his mind: he'll get there a month before the anniversary to help plan a celebration for the school and its students; the anniversary will be a week-long affair; he'll spend three-ish months doing whatever they needed him to do while he was physically there; and the final month before he leaves will be spent tying up loose ends so that they can continue operating until his next visit, which would hopefully be sooner than five years from now.

The more he thinks about it, the more he wants to make it come true.

"Is it the wisest move for your career to take another months-long hiatus when you only just got back?"

Siwon understands that Mi is his manager, so he'll always think like that, but that is just not Siwon's priority right now. He didn't want to come back to South Korea in the first place, he messed up the one thing he wanted to preserve, and now here is his next opportunity to reset himself and his life.

Yes, he should go to Malaysia. It's not like anybody wants him here anyway, nobody important.

Hyukjae remembers that he didn't used to be the kind of person who news alerts for his celebrity boyfriend. "Why would I read about what you did today when you're just gonna call me later and tell me about it yourself?" he had said once. When they dated the first time, Siwon wasn't wholly famous yet, not like he is now. There wasn't so much to catch up on; there weren't enough people talking.

Hyukjae 2.0, as Donghae referred to his therapised self, loved having news alerts on so that he could tease and surprise his celebrity boyfriend with anything people on the internet were saying about him. ("When you found out your fans call themselves Chaebols 'because we're obsessed with Won,' did you or did you not baby-vomit a little in your mouth?" "Did you know there are Chaebols in the Czech Republic?" "You've been craving bungeoppang lately; should I suggest Chaebols buy you some for food support?") It was an endless source of amusement.

Hyukjae 3.0 is not so amused when news alerts are how he finds out about Siwon's press-con announcing a five month mission to Malaysia, effective two weeks from now.

He figures he would be a lot more 'good riddance' about the situation, but what he feels instead is indignance. What, Siwon thought since they were currently and indefinitely not talking, that means he has free reign to spend almost half a year in another country—a country, he recalls Siwon mentioning what feels like a lifetime ago (and it is, isn't it? a different life ago), that barely has 5G—and not bother to tell him about it?

"Why would he bother to tell you about it?" Kuhyun asks boredly as Hyukjae rants.

"Isn't that something I should know?"

"You know about it now."

"But Siwon should have told me himself!"

"Why? It's not like you're his boyfriend."

"… Well, yes, but—"

"—You're the one who said you wanted him to leave you alone."

"That's also true, but—"

"—You're also the one with the power to break your communications embargo. You still have his number, but he doesn't have yours," Kyuhyun reminds.

Hyukjae stops his pacing. "Kyuhyun, I need you to be on my side here."

Kyuhyun merely, infuriatingly, shrugs. "I play to win," and then he gets up from the couch to retreat to his room, tired of forcing himself to be awake in the daytime to listen to his roommate's nonsense.

"Um, what is the winning side here, Kyuhyun? … Kyuhyun! Answer me!"

~~~

A week passes. Siwon is leaving in a week, and Hyukjae still hasn't figured out what to do about it. He thinks he wants to contact Siwon, but he doesn't even know what he'd say.

Does he want to make fun of Siwon for being a goody-little-two-shoes? Does he want to act aloof, make Siwon aware that he knows but is unbothered by the impending absence? … Does he want to ask Siwon to stay?

Hyukjae shakes his head at himself. That last option is ridiculous. The farther away Siwon is from him, the better; and if he were on a completely different body of land as a result, that would be the best, right? After all, he spent all that time in China, and Hyukjae didn't bat an eye.

(Hyukjae ignores the fact he didn't even know Siwon was in China. He didn't even know Siwon.)

So no, he shouldn't contact Siwon again before he goes. It wouldn't be worth it.

"Well, you don't need to ask him anything, necessarily. Maybe there's something you want to tell him," Sungmin offers since Kyuhyun has banned Hyukjae from thinking about Siwon in the apartment. He would normally go to Ryeowook's next, but Ryeowook has been very vocal about his anti-Siwon agenda.

"Psh, what do I even have to say? 'Hey Siwon, what you did was really ty and so many levels of messed up'? 'By the way Siwon, you made me feel like I can't even trust myself'? 'Head's up Siwon, you totally ruined my life'?"

Somehow Siwon, I'll miss you, but he doesn't dare voice that aloud.

"What good would telling him any of that do?"

"'What good would'—Hyukjae," Sungmin cuts himself off in incredulity. "It sounds like you have a lot of unprocessed trauma that would benefit from an outlet!"

"So I should go to therapy—real therapy, this time. I shouldn't be telling Siwon any of this; he doesn't even—"

Sungmin picks up the subtext. "The fact that you can't even finish that sentence means you know he does."

Yet another thing he refuses to voice aloud.

Sungmin forges ahead. "You can't trust yourself? He ruined your life? No offense, but a bad breakup is hardly the end of the world."

"It's not just the break-up; he manipulated me into getting my memories erased. I was missing over a year of my life and didn't even know it! I didn't talk to you guys about it, but I auditioned for SYTYCD because I could feel something was missing, and I was looking for anything to fill my life back up. But then I got in, and I got famous, and I lost my privacy."

"You're complaining because fans want selcas with you when they see you out on the street?"

"I'm complaining because my life isn't the same as it was before!"

Sungmin doesn't look like he understands, which is exactly why Hyukjae has never told his friends about this kind of stuff. The only one he could trust it with was…

"You have your memories back now, right? Do you remember that night in the bar?"

It takes Hyukjae a moment, but he knows what Sungmin is talking about.

I'll tell you everything if it means that it will just stop ing hurting !

Thanks to the therapy, it weirdly feels like that was just a few nights ago and not a few years ago. The burning in his chest that came back along with his memories flares up again. The same angry tears well up in his eyes, and Sungmin takes that as his cue to continue. "So you remember what you said, 'What can you do now that you're apart?'

"Hyukjae, you ended up one of the most successful contestants of a dance show where you didn't even place. You're establishing yourself, and you get to do what you love on your own terms. You did so much without him."

"Yeah, but it's only because of him! There's no part of my life that Siwon hasn't touched! That's what I mean by I can't trust myself. I don't know if I would have made any of the same decisions I would have if I were, like, in my right mind. If he had just left me alone."

"You can be angry all you want, but you can't put all the blame on him. We made that appointment for you, and it was so you could go and get your questions answered. You were the one who agreed in the end. Your boyfriend paid for it, sure, but beyond that? It came down to you; and honestly, thank god you did it! You were a mess back then! It wasn't easy seeing you hurt. If it weren't for the clinic, you wouldn't have been able to move on."

"Move on? I am right back where I started!" Hyukjae shouts. His chest is heaving from the weight of his emotions, but a new memory, a more recent one, is what steals his breath away.

Doesn't that mean anything?

Hyukjae slumps over in defeat.

"… Hyukjae?"

"I'm going to do it. I'm going to talk to him," he announces without any more preamble.

Now that Siwon's face doesn't give him headaches, Hyukjae doesn't have to arrive a few minutes late to their reservations anymore. He gets to the restaurant early, checks in with the hostess, and waits for their table to be ready. Under his breath, Hyukjae tries out different openers.

"Siwon, thanks for agreeing to meet me on such short notice." Ugh, no. Is he Siwon's junior at work? Maybe he should keep it basic. "Hey, Siwon. How're you doing?" Ew, people don't even say that on a first date—not that this is a date, but… Okay, moving on. "So I hear you're going to Malaysia."

"Ah, I did wonder if that would be the thing that made you willing to speak with me again."

Hyukjae jumps in his seat.

He would hope Siwon couldn't see the embarrassed blush on his face, but Siwon isn't looking at him as he settles into the chair next to him.

"You just expected me to find out on my own?"

Siwon shrugs, busying himself with one of the menus available at the host stand. "Not really. If you wanted nothing to do with me so badly, I didn't think you'd even find out."

The alerts settings on his Naver account say otherwise. "Well, I did."

The hostess comes and takes them to their table, and Siwon is still not looking at him.

"You'll be gone for a while," Hyukjae comments when they're left alone. They're buckled into the Malaysia thing now, might as well keep going with it.

"Hmm, is five months a while?"

Hyukjae huffs. "Not in the grand scheme of things, but I just got you back."

Siwon snaps his head up, and Hyukjae corrects himself. "Your memory. I just got your memory back. I've only known you for, like, a month."

"But we had d—um… but we met again after So You Think You Can Dance."

He knows what Siwon meant to say. But we had dated for two months. They had, hadn't they? That's what it was. They were dating.

And that is what the problem is now, too. For Hyukjae 2.0, it was a new and exciting relationship with someone who felt familiar and who made him feel noticed from the first instance they met. For Hyukjae 3.0, it was a cruel mockery of everything he had to withstand on his own at the hands of the person he trusted himself to the most. For whatever version of Hyukjae he is now, sitting in front of Siwon, it was both too much and not enough.

So he concludes, "That doesn't count."

Siwon nods, then his face shifts. He looks like he wants to say something, but the waiter stops by their table.

"The past two years… do they count?" Siwon asks after they both give their orders.

"What do you mean?"

Siwon wipes his thumb against his lower lip, a nervous tic Hyukjae hates that he noticed. "Well, if the months you knew me but didn't remember me don't count, what about the years while you were, um, while you were in therapy?"

Hyukjae replays his life between waking up in the Gyeolbag clinic and auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance. The days were ordinary; he was content. In fact, the most remarkable thing he could say about them was the constantly lingering feeling that something had been missing—well, at least he figured out what—but he had never felt dissatisfied.

The mild and easy manner of his existence from those years is completely overshadowed, however, by the re-access to memories from the year prior. He woke up in Gyeolbag, Inc as raw and hurting as he was when he went in, and he's still carrying that around with him, even while holding the memories of the months post-SYTYCD within him as well.

"No," he says, and the words he didn't know how to say come to him easily now. "No, they don't count either. As far as I'm concerned, you only broke up with me a few months ago, not a few years ago. I… I still haven't gotten over you." His confession is given to the linen tablecloth, but his voice doesn't waver. His courage has arrived. "But I don't want you back, either."

"Oh." In the same moment that Siwon's heart breaks at the admission, it freezes over as well. He knew this was a very high possibility; it's half of the reason he's going to another country, after all. This is fine. Hyukjae is making his own decisions on how he wants to move forward, and Hyukjae will be okay.

"Sometimes it feels like no time has passed, like I'm the same person I was before—sometimes it feels like you are, too—but I know for sure that I'm different now because all I used to want was a chance to talk to you again, to understand what happened, to try to fix things so that we could go back to how we were before. I don't think that's possible, though. I don't think that's something I want to work towards anymore." Hyukjae looks up at Siwon at the conclusion of his thought, letting him have a chance to say something.

Siwon nods through a sigh. He knows his role to play now. "I understand. Thank you for telling me all this in person. It's an honour to have had your time. I hope after today you are one step closer to achieving closure." He gives a smile to be polite, but his fingers are itching to pull out his wallet, drop a whole credit card on the table, and leave. He wanted to hear from Hyukjae again, and he did. He doesn't get to choose the script, but it doesn't mean he's strong enough to watch the ending either.

"What. What are you saying?" Hyukjae asks with only a medium amount of frustration colouring his tone.

Siwon meets his eyes. "I'm centering you in this conversation. Tonight is not about me." Geng made that very clear when Siwon frantically called him last night after receiving Hyukjae's invitation.

"No duh," Hyukjae intones, and Siwon's frozen heart melts almost completely. It's borderline cruel to be so thoroughly reminded of Hyukjae's most endearing qualities on what appears to be the last day they'll ever speak to each other. Malaysia is the day after tomorrow, and it is still not soon enough.

Hyukjae continues, "What I was trying to say is that: I'm not back where I started; neither of us are. We're somewhere new now."

The sudden use of a plural pronoun grabs Siwon's attention.

"No matter how much I think about it, I still don't know how to feel about you. I asked to meet you today because, well, I need help figuring it out." It was always something of a foregone conclusion, but Hyukjae only decided to let it be true today, sitting in front of Siwon, experiencing both too much and not enough.

Siwon almost wants to ask Hyukjae to repeat himself. There is no way—"You still want me around?"

Hyukjae nods, shyly but without restraint, and Siwon dares to feel hope in his chest. He holds Hyukjae's gaze as he reaches out, telegraphing as clearly as possible what he wants to do as well as how much he hopes Hyukjae lets him do it. The pads of his fingers eventually, successfully, reach the back of Hyukjae's palm, and it's overwhelming in its significance.

Touching Hyukjae feels different now, now that they're on the same page for the first time in three years. He wraps Hyukjae's hand in a loose grip, as tentative as the trust Hyukjae is placing in him yet again. He wants to ask why, but tonight is not about him. "I will help you, Hyukjae. Whatever you need, whenever you call."

"You can—" Hyukjae clears his throat. He forces himself to maintain eye contact. This was not part of his plan today, but it's as good of a place to start as any.

"You can start by calling me Eunhyuk."

It's funny that all those years ago, he came up with the stage name Eunhyuk so that he could maintain some sort of public/private life balance if his dancing ever helped him reach any sort of notoriety, and he ended up going by his real name professionally anyway.

"Stage names are so two-thousand-and-late," Heechul snarks from beside him while hair and make-up touch up his face.

They're in a rented film studio in Gangnam because Heechul eventually wore Hyukjae down and got him to start a YouTube channel. They're filming the inaugural episode of his new webshow-slash-podcast, 1LDAN DALNIM, which will premiere live on YouTube at first but be available for viewing and download later on other platforms.

Heechul is very convinced that it's not too late, that people would love to see this side to Hyukjae, and Hyukjae mostly agreed because he himself doesn't need to learn a new skillset to film these episodes. (Heechul hasn't given up on getting Hyukjae to open up some personal SNS accounts, but that's one thing he is definitely not budging on. Not after everything he's been through.)

Heechul handled securing a contract with a filming location, hiring the crew, and everything in between. He complained all the while—"Yah, I'm an agent! Not a manager, not a production director; an agent!"—but he did it anyway, and Hyukjae appreciates it.

"But if I really wanted to make it a thing, I probably could, right?"

"I don't know, oppa," his stylist for the day says from a couch in the corner. "Netizens much prefer referring to celebrities by their given names."

"But what about Bi-sunbaenim!"

"Yeah, but it's Bi-sunbaenim," the whole room choruses, and Hyukjae slinks further in his seat.

"Don't frown. I'm not done with the concealer yet," the make-up artist admonishes while she applies more product onto his face in flippant, practised .

Someone knocks on the door, and Heechul opens it to reveal an eager production intern. "Everyone's on set and ready to film when you are, Hyukjae-ssi."

The make-up artist finishes the rest of her preparations in record time. "Can't leave everyone waiting!" She shoos him off of the chair.

Hyukjae leads a procession of people out of the prep room and into the studio, where everyone stares at him with varying levels of expectation and anticipation. He excitedly bows and asks everyone for their favour while he scurries over to one of the two chairs set up on the stage.

From this position, his vision is completely dominated by the wall of cameras and small platoon of people who are here to bring this show to life. It's intimidating enough to make him regret trying this out in the first place. He's not really afraid of failing, not really, but he's afraid of disappointing all of the people who worked so hard to make this a success. He can't fail them.

A cough from his side forces his attention to his guest for the day. He's a little more rugged around the edges than the last time Hyukjae had seen him, but the smile directed his way is as handsome and calming as ever.

He takes a deep breath and looks back out over the production crew. "On your mark, PD-nim."

~~~

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
ICYMI: choisiwon's first media appearance after his Malaysia mission is also the 1st episode of Lee Hyukjae's "1LDAN DALNIM", so we're partnering with HyukJaeWeLoveYou to provide live-tweet translations. It's starting at 1PM KST aka soon! 👇
https://youtu.be/bVq12V41c8c?t=70

sra 🪐 @hyukbucks
i never expected this to be relevant but i lowkey have been shipping hyukjae and siwon since SYTYCD like that's /why/ i'm hyukbucks AND NOW THEY'RE HANGING OUT ON THE FIRST EP OF HYUK'S NEW YT SHOW? ✋ BYE THIS IS A SRA WIN

[screenshot of Hyukjae and Siwon on plush chairs in a cosy film studio]

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
i was all ready to cry over the fact siwon is on my screen again but said siwon is tan af with a daddy beard so somewhere else is wet instead #sorrynotsorry malaysia was sooo good to him

All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
hj: well! good afternoon, thanks for tuning in everyone. i'm lee hyukjae, and this is the first! episode of 1LDAN DALNIM
sw: really, the first? there are so many viewers already!
hj: ikr? maybe some of them are bots
nooo we're not bots dslkfjsd this brat

All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
sw: ... i don't think it's a good idea to start off your show by claiming your fans are fake
hj: no, this is right. i have to set the expectation. if they want me to believe they're real, they can subscribe to my channel
jae smirked directly at the camera skjskljfs

sra 🪐 @hyukbucks
i can't believe three minutes in and all they've done is flirt with each other like are they aware?

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
SW: Shouldn't you introduce me? [points off camera]
HJ: Right. Well, everyone! [clearly reading something] The best way to introduce my channel is to have a guest, right? Today, fresh from molding the minds of Malaysia's disadvantaged youth, we have China's mega star Choi Siwon!

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
SW: Hello everyone! I'm Choi Siwon. Please keep me in your favour
HJ: [in eng] Hello everyone I'm Choi Siwon
HJ does the three- Jesus salute Siwon loves doing! lol

[screenshot attached]

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
SDKGLKDSJFLKAJFLA GET HIS HYUKJAE

All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
sw: come on, i didn't even do that this time!
hj: but you wanted to, i could tell
sw: what i want to do is talk about my mission in malaysia ??hyuk
?? sw called jae smth but i didn't really catch it

All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
LMAO JAE CLARIFIED! he teased sw saying sw likes calling him "eunhyuk" because he thought jae should come in second place during sytycd (eun means silver in kr) but then sw is like 'nooo you can't tell people that because then they'll think it's true' hahaha

sra 🪐 @hyukbucks
someone rescue siwon from lee hyukjae omfg at this rate it's gonna be their first and last date

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
SW is passionately explaining that he was a fan of the show; he really thought HJ should win SYTYCD. HJ is blushing!

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
HJ: Call me Geum-hyuk then, Siwon-ssi
SW: Alright… Geumhyuk-ssi
[they burst into laughter]
SW: That was weird
HJ: Yeah, I didn't like that
SW: I gave it a try though
HJ: And a try it will remain

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
okay my kor is but i'm pRETTY SURE THIS CONVERSATION DON'T MAKE NO SENSE LMAOOO

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
hyukjae was like 'everyone is allowed to call me eunhyuk. what's the metal we give to people who come in 14th place' and won was like 'there's no such metal' and hYUKAJE WAS LIKE 'eunhyuk is better than no-such-hyuk'

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
WHO IS THIS GUY I LIKE HIM LMAO

All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
sw: i hope they edit this out
hj: we're live, siwon-ssi
sw: that's the kind of thing you should warn your guests about you know
pd: speaking of guests, there is a reason you have one
i just know that whatever jae is paying that guy, it's not enough

All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
ok so pd-nim said they're gonna play a language game b.c sw is a genuis polyglot and jae is an idiot (my words not theirs lol) they just have to guess what the foreign word means in kor, and none of the languages sw knows will be there. if they get 7/10, pd buys them beef

sra 🪐 @hyukbucks
"do you think we can win this, siwon-ssi?"
"as long as we're together"
they're in LOVE your honour

~~~

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
tbh it about the acting hiatus but i'd rather won take a break instead of me having to deal with vpns and chn websites with intimidating user interfaces just to watch something like oh! my fellow agai nkddskljsfd

€hoi $i₩on's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
that being said, i ship this. what are we calling them? i need to know the name to put on the adoption papers

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
And that's a wrap! We had so much fun collaborating with HyukJaeWeLoveYou on this; hopefully you had fun following along!

| All for HyukJae @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
| Replying to chaebolintnl
| YES THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN! tbh it looks like we'll be collaborating more in the future hehe

| Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
| Replying to HyukJaeWeLoveYou
| It does! 🤭 Looking forward to it!

Chaebols Conglomerate, International @chaebolintnl
It was good seeing choisiwon's face again, even though it was hidden by a beard! Thanks so much to Hyuk-I mean, Eunhyuk-ssi 😉 for letting him have fun and promote his philanthropy too! Hopefully Siwon can enjoy his acting hiatus peacefully.

All for HyukJae 🌟 @HyukJaeWeLoveYou
wowowowow i hope all the episodes are like this. it's so nice getting to see hyukjae in such freeform content! AND HE NAMED US! hello fellow byeol-nim! (and thank you choisiwon for helping him think of something so cute and clever!)

sra 🪐 || 🌙🌊 @hyukbucks
thank god we finally have a representative emoji for jae b.c sometimes i wanna talk about him without people knowing what i'm talking about, yk? also matches my saturn thing going on 😌✊
... and siwon is a wave because moon/tides + refreshing ? idk don't think about it too hard

$ih¥uk's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
byeolnims, i'm one of you now. welcome me into your fold

Siwon Choi @choisiwon
한국 쇠고기는 우리가 함께있는 한 가장 맛있습니다

[selfie of Siwon and Hyukjae eating grilled beef together in a home-like location]

$ih¥uk's ATM @siwonisrevolutionary
they're eating yet we're the ones being fed? everybody say thank you dads

[selfie of Siwon and Hyukjae eating grilled beef together in a home-like location]

sra 🪐 || 🌙🌊 retweeted
Siwon Choi @choisiwon
한국 쇠고기는 우리가 함께있는 한 가장 맛있습니다

[selfie of Siwon and Hyukjae eating grilled beef together in a home-like location]

Chaebols Conglomerate, International retweeted
Siwon Choi @choisiwon
한국 쇠고기는 우리가 함께있는 한 가장 맛있습니다

[selfie of Siwon and Hyukjae eating grilled beef together in a home-like location]

sra 🪐 || 🌙🌊 @hyukbucks
우리가 함께있는 한!? uriga hamkkeitneun han? AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER?! brb gonna be delusional for a second

sra 🪐 || 🌙🌊 @hyukbucks
THIS okay i took this ss when siwon said 우리가 함께있는 한 during the live

[screenshot of Siwon looking at Hyukjae expectantly and Hyukjae is blushing]

| sra 🪐 || 🌙🌊 @hyukbucks
| Replying to hyukbucks
| this is some serious 30k slow burn strangers to lovers bull happening right before our eyes and you know what they BETTA get a happy ending

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