May 1, 2022

 

“Coffee or Tea?” Jennie asked. She used to make me coffee every morning before.

 

“I’ll have a Tea” I replied. She furrowed her eyebrows.

 

“I thought you hated Tea”  Well i do, but people change, i didn’t even know when i started drinking tea instead of coffee.

 

I watched as she walked around the kitchen finding the things she needed. I used to watch her every morning before, walking around the kitchen while making breakfast, sometimes hugging her from behind while she’s cooking.

 

Jennie sat in front of me while handing me a cup of tea “I guess people do change, mhmm”

 

I didn’t answer and sipped on my tea silently, it's been more than a year since the both of us stayed in the room with no one else around, and it’s been four months since we last saw each other, it was for the weverse online fansign event with our members.

 

Jennie wasn’t avoiding me, but avoiding the possibility of us to be alone inside the same room, i came back from thailand a week ago with the thought of wanting to see her, she wasn’t able to give an excuse when i suddenly appeared in her doorstep unannounced

 

We’re sitting in front of each other, with silence embracing us. She put down her coffee, she took a deep breath before talking.

 

“How’s Thailand? Was it fun?” I nodded.

 

“Yeah, pretty much, i wasn’t able to come home for a few years, it’s like i never want to leave again” It was her turn to nod, she didn’t reply, she stayed silent for a few minutes.

 

“How’s LA? And Hawaii? I saw your airport previews in twitter” 

 

“It was nice, i met Bretman in Hawaii, he said he wants you to know that he’s a big fan and he loves you and -”

 

“How about you?”

 

“What about…..me?” she stammered

 

“Nothing, sorry i guess i’m still tipsy” i was nervous, i didn’t know why i asked that suddenly.

 

“You went out for a drink last night?” i nodded

 

“Yeah, with Minnie and Yuqi, we agreed to drink after watching the concert” 

 

“Did you get enough sleep?” No, I couldn't sleep last night, all I wanted was to see you again.

 

“You went here at 5am in the morning, so i’m sure you didn’t even sleep” I wasn’t able to answer because what she said is true, she can still read me.

 

“You know my spare room-” 

 

“Jennie, i want to talk” She tapped my shoulders and smiled

 

“We will, but please take a rest first” I stared at her for a few seconds before accepting my defeat

 

I followed her when she went inside her room, when she felt my presence inside she looked back at me.

 

“Lisa? The spare room is on the-” 

 

“Can’t I sleep beside you? It’s been a year since i went here”  She looked at me “And i missed you, Jennie”

She didn’t protest and just moved a little to the right to give space for me to occupy.

 

Before I dozed off to sleep, I knew she was fixing my hair, and I also knew she said something in between.

 

“I’ll be here when you wake up, don’t worry”

 

“I missed you too”

 

I woke up without Jennie by my side, I sighed, she really does want to avoid me.

 

I picked up my coat on the table beside her bed and prepared myself to head out, I might not see her for a few weeks until we have to practice for the upcoming comeback. I gave up, if she doesn’t want to talk to me, I won't force her.

 

“Where are you going?” She was standing in front of the bedroom when I went out wearing her yellow apron with a bear and a duck in the middle, the one I gifted her five years ago on her birthday. 

 

“I thought you left…….” 

 

Jennie laughed “I told you, I’ll be here when you wake up” 

 

This is the first time she actually did what she said after failing to do so for the past two years, i don’t know if I could still believe what she’s saying.

 

It was when we started preparing for our first full album release, something shifted, i didn’t know why she was avoiding me all of a sudden, when she said she would go on a dinner with me she didn’t go and made me wait for a few hours, when she said she would go with me on the teamLab exhibition in Seoul but ended up canceling our plans the last minute.

 

It just happened, one night we were happy the day after she would be avoiding me. It hurts me because I don't know why, am i unlikable for her to act that way? am i not fun to be with?

 

“Have a seat, i made gamja-tang” 

 

We ate in silence for half an hour, Jennie was staring at me, she looked sad.

 

“Is there something wrong?” she looked away “Are you done eating?” 

 

“Yes, but you didn’t answer my question” Jennie just ignored what i said and she started cleaning the table

“Jennie you have to tell me what's wrong, you need to tell me why you are avoiding me this past two years, i need an answer because i’m going crazy and i can’t go on like this any longer”

 

“I am not avoiding you Lisa” 

 

“Oh god, yes you are” 

 

“No. I am not.” She shook her head and walked out of the kitchen, I followed her and grabbed her hand.

 

“Please, Jennie, I need to know why” she looked at me, tears were falling from her eyes.

 

“I’m not repeating the same exact words i said Lisa”

 

“If you’re not avoiding me, then why did you leave as soon as we finished our work, we used to be closer without the cameras Jennie, after the work we used to spend the night together talking about everything” I cried

 

“Something changed Jennie, and i don’t know why, am i a bad friend? Don’t you want me in your life anymore? I did fulfill my task as your friend right? I was with you when you needed me-”

 

“Lisa that’s my ing problem!” i lost my grip on her hands when she screamed

 

“God knows how much I want you in my life, but I don't want you to be my friend” Wow, that hurts. I felt like i got stabbed in the heart with a burning sword.

 

“I don’t want you to be just my friend” i was taken aback

 

“I love you Lisa”

 

I love you too, Jennie.

 

But we can’t, i can’t.

 

I don’t think we would ever work.

 

“I’m sorry Jennie, i don’t think i’ll ever be in a relationship, i just don’t see myself in that way”

 

She shut her eyes tight, I saw how she tried containing herself to not cry in front of me. When I tried to pull her in my arms, she pushed me.

 

“Please leave me alone for now, Lisa”

 

“And don’t go here anymore”

 

“I’ll just see you in the practice room”

 

That was the last time we were alone in the same room, she avoided me the next few years, until the four of us parted ways.