CHAPTER FIVE: Slow Dancing In a Burning Room

We're going down,

And you can see it too.

We're going down,

And you know that we're doomed.

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

<<< PAST <<<

Byulyi loves Hani, she really does.

But sometimes she just wants to strangle her.

Respectfully. And with love.

But, yes, strangle her.

Take right now, for example. Only three shots of tequila in her system, and already the lightweight that is her bestfriend is running and causing a lot of grief for everyone. But mostly Byulyi.

“I can’t believe you’re marrying the first girl you’ve ever dated!” Hani yells in her face, reaching over and grabbing the back of her neck. As if she’s trying to scream above the loud music at a club, when in reality they’re just hanging out at Yong and Chorong’s quiet living room. “Whatever happened to the plan of sleeping your way around Seoul and hooking up with all the hot single ladies?”

“Okay, first of all, I had no such plans,” Byulyi counters, and then looks at Yongsun beside her when she says, “That was all her, not me. I swear.”

“Hear, hear!” Hani smacks her hand on the coffee table, making the glasses and the dishes rattle.

“And second of all,” Byulyi turns back to the woman sitting across the floor from her. “Technically, you’re the first girl I ever dated, . And I sure as hell won’t be marrying you.”

“Touché,” Hani acknowledges with a smarmy little grin.

“Wait, who’s getting married?” Chorong asks, walking back from the kitchen with a cocktail glass and a fresh bowl of sliced limes. 

“The lesbians,” Hani motions to them, grabbing a handful of salted peanuts and stuffing her big mouth with it.

Byulyi pinches the bridge of her nose. “We’re not getting married.”

“Yet,” Yongsun quietly adds, taking a sip of the cocktail that Chorong hands over.

Hani raps on the floor to grab everyone’s attention, and then looks pointedly at Byulyi’s empty shot glass. Catching the hint, Byulyi sprinkles a generous amount of salt on the back of her hand while Chorong fills her glass to the brim. 

For her part, and fully accustomed to the drill at this point, Yongsun takes a lime wedge and holds it between her teeth.

And in one swift motion, Byulyi the salt off her hand, and then downs her shot of tequila. Of course, she gamely takes the lime wedge from Yongsun with her own lips, and then chases the alcohol down with its sour juice. 

When she’s all done, her helpful girlfriend takes the used wedge from her and chucks it in their bowl of scraps. 

“Thanks baby,” Byulyi whispers against Yongsun’s smiling lips, and then places a chaste kiss on it. And then another one for good measure.

“You guys are so gross,” Hani and Chorong both complain, before proceeding to take tequila shots of their own.  

“Just be glad we’re not doing body shots… again,” Yongsun says under her breath, and the mischievous glint in her eye makes Byulyi redder than the alcohol ever could.

“Anyway, as I was saying, you’ve been dating for three years now,” Hani hiccups. “In college — where almost everyone is hooking up with a different person every week. So, yeah, you’re practically married. Or at the very least, engaged.”

“But we don’t even live together,” Byulyi points out. 

“Not officially, at least,” Chorong says. “I mean, if you’re not sleeping over here, Yongsun’s over at your place. Why don’t you both save some money and just move in together?” 

Byulyi throws a meaningful glance at the woman beside her. It’s not like they haven’t had the same conversation so many times over the years. But…

“Omma said she wouldn’t pay my rent and my tuition if we ever did,” Yongsun shares. “She said we shouldn’t live together until after graduation.” 

Hani wrinkles her nose. “So, by some gay miracle, your conservative mother is fine with the two of you lesbian-ing together… just not under the same roof?”

“At least not until we graduate.”

“But why?” Hani seems genuinely perplexed. “It’s not like this can get you pregnant.” 

Chorong starts giggling into her bag of chips.

Byulyi just sighs. She’s been asking the same thing for years.

Yongsun drapes her hand on Byulyi’s leg and starts tracing patterns on her inner thigh. And, of course, she’s wearing a pair of gym shorts tonight. “She thinks Byulyi would be too distracting.”

How her girlfriend manages to say that with a straight face while she’s doing what she’s doing and setting fire to her bare skin, Byulyi has no idea.

“Distracting?” Chorong asks between a mouthful of chips, oblivious to her friend’s wandering hand. “Like, how so?” 

“Basically, it’s the politically correct way of saying she thinks that Byulie’s a horndog,” Hani wags her eyebrows at Chorong, and the two share a laugh at her expense.

If they only knew that Yongsun’s libido matches, and, hell, sometimes exceeds, hers. 

But that’s their own dirty little secret. 

No one else needs to know. 

Speaking of which, fingers. The ones that are ever-so-slowly creeping up her bare thigh, only stopping at the hem of her shorts. Like the absolute tease that she is, this Kim Yongsun.

“So, where’s Daejung-oppa, by the way? I thought he was joining us tonight.” 

Byulyi bites her tongue at her bestfriend’s not-so-subtle fishing expedition. Hani and her hopeless crush on Chorong is just… sad.

“Oh, him? We broke up.”

“Really? I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Except, Hani doesn’t look sorry at all.

Byulyi lets out an audible sigh; Yongsun gives her thigh a little squeeze in warning.

“I’m dating Jiwon-oppa now.”

Aaaand there’s the swift kick to the gut. 

The almost comical way Hani’s giddy expression gets obliterated would’ve been hilarious, if it weren’t so pathetic.

Ah, Ahn Heeyeon. Never change.

With the wind knocked out of her sails, Hani just pulls the bowl of salted nuts closer and starts eating her disappointment away.

“I thought you were done with dating after Daejung-ah?” Yongsun turns to her roommate. “How come you changed your mind?”

“I figured that life’s all about kissing a lot of frogs until you find your prince.”

“How ‘bout not kissing frogs at all?” Hani mumbles into her nuts.

“How about you two?” Chorong asks them. 

“Oh, we’re not into kissing frogs,” Byul waves a hand. “Or dating them.”

Chorong laughs. “No, I mean, have you two ever wondered what it would be like to date someone else?” 

Byulyi and Yongsun share a look, and then shake their heads. “No,” they chorus.

“Really?”

“Nope,” Byulyi confirms.

“You guys haven’t even considered getting a third person for, you know, y times?”

“Not at all,” Yongsun replies. “Right, jagi?”

Byulyi nods.

“Boring,” Hani downs another shot. Her face contorts like she’s just tasted something sour. Probably her disposition. “Monogamous and practically married. You guys are lame.”

She should feel insulted, but as Yongsun cuddles closer to her and Byulyi presses a kiss on the side of her girlfriend’s forehead, she finds that she doesn’t really care at all.

People like Hani might call it lame; Byulyi simply calls it luck.

Several days later, Byulyi gets roused from a deep slumber to find a kissing fiend attacking her neck. Peppering kisses all over her skin. Leaving goosebumps where they land.

Somewhere, she hears a moan.

It might be coming from her. Who knows.

On any other occasion, she would totally be into this.

But even half-asleep, and slightly hungover, Byulyi knows.

It’s too early. Waaaay too early.

The first of her three alarms hasn’t even gone off yet.

Which means that whatever this is, it’s happening at what Hani would call, the buttcrack of dawn. 

And Byulyi hates getting woken up before her alarm on a weekday. Especially when she partied past midnight the night before.

With one exception though.

Morning .

“Mhmm,” she moans, her eyes still closed, her hands exploring the expanse of Yongsun’s as her pajama top rides up.  

“Are you awake, jagi?” her girlfriend husks into her ear, eliciting a shiver from Byulyi. 

“I could be.”

“Good,” Yongsun tugs her earlobe with her teeth. “Because we need to talk.”

What…?

“I’m sorry—?” Byulyi opens her eyes, squinting at the silhouette of the woman now hovering above her, sitting on her stomach. “What do you mean?”

“Exactly that. We need to chat.”

“Wait a sec,” she lifts a finger. “Was I even about to get laid? Or was that all a ruse?”

“Well—”

And that’s a no.

“We’ll talk later, Yong,” Byulyi closes her eyes again, burrowing into her pillow. “After my alarm goes off.”

“Jagiya…”

“Later, babe.”

.

.

.

“Byul-ah, please.”

Byulyi groans inwardly.

That tone. She can never say no to that tone. And Yongsun knows it. 

Knowing that it’s futile to resist, and that Yongsun is too stubborn to ever give up, Byulyi caves and indulges her girlfriend with a tired, “Yes, baby?”

“I just had an epiphany.”

“Okay?”

“There’s a fork in the road.”

“Yong, it’s four AM,” Byulyi laments, blinking at the numbers on the alarm clock. She reaches for another pillow to try and put over her head. The older woman sitting on her tummy denies her this, naturally. Yongsun, for all her maturity, has the tendency to not be as forthcoming or indulgent to her needs when she’s in one of her more excitable moods.

“But there’s a fork in the road, Byul-ah.”

“And there’s a sleeping person in this bed.”

“Jagi,” Yong whines, shaking her gently, trying to get her to open her eyes again. “This is important. We need to talk about this.”

“It’s four AM,” she repeats, equally as pathetic. “Can’t it wait till the morning?”

“It is morning.”

“Not if the sun’s not up it’s not.”

“But I am up,” Yongsun states matter-of-fact, the smart-assery not lost on Byul’s groggy self. “So, c’mon, my love, humor me. Please?”

“Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t. My mind’s racing a hundred miles an hour.”

“I told you to lay off the late night coffee.”

“It was decaf.”

“You sure about that?”

“Byulyi…” Yet another whine. “C’mon, let’s talk…”

The deep, tortured sigh that escapes her lips is one for the record books. “You’re not gonna let up, are you?”

“Nope.”

Of course not. Byulyi exhales long and hard, resigning herself to her fate. After a moment, she eventually wills her bleary eyes open. She blinks at the figure hovering above her like a fevered dream, their bright eyes like beacons despite being bathed in shadows. “There’s a what in the where again?”

“A fork in the road.”

“Right. And this damn fork, is it real or metaphorical?” 

“Both?” Yongsun supplies, palms pressing against Byul’s shoulders. “I’m graduating in six months.”

“Okay—?”

“That’s our sign.”

“I didn’t know we were asking for a sign?”

“I’ve been thinking about what Hani and Chorong said last week.”

“Oh god. Which part?”

“Marriage.”

Okay, now she’s kinda more awake.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, we’ve talked about it before,” Yongsun hedges. “And we always had fun dreaming up plans and all of that. But are we really heading in that direction?”

“I think so?”

Yongsun looks at her. “You think so?”

“I know so,” Byulyi amends. “But what does this have to do with you graduating soon?”

“You still have a year left.”

“I do,” she nods. 

“And my Dean is already lining up an internship for me as soon as I graduate.”

“Okay?”

“So, I guess what I’m saying is, we only have six months.”

“For what exactly?”

“To get the full college experience, like Hani and Chorong said.”

“Wait—” Byulyi frowns, finally connecting the dots in her head. “You wanna date other people?!”

“No!” Yongsun exclaims. “I—I thought you might, though. And I’ve been thinking about it since last week. I mean, are you with me because we’re all we’ve ever known? Because I was the first unicorn you met in this place?”

“Isn’t it because we love each other? I mean, I do — I love you. Do you love me?”

“Of course I do,” Yongsun says without hesitation. “I don’t think love has ever been an issue in our relationship.”

“That and ,” Byulyi agrees.

“Oh yes, definitely,” Yong murmurs, her half-lidded eyes glossing over for a moment before she catches herself, gives her head a quick shake and continues with, “But we need to know.”

“We?” Byulyi frowns. “Don’t you mean you?”

“I mean, haven’t you even thought about it? Your future and what it involves exactly?”

“Yes,” she says. “You, two dogs, one cat, and a nice cushy job at a film studio. What about you?”

“You, two dogs, one cat, and a nice cushy job at SLR Design.” 

A grin tugs at the corner of Byulyi’s lips. “I don’t know about you, but that kinda sounds like our plans sorta align, no?”

Mirroring her smile, Yongsun bends down and kisses her softly. “So, I guess it’s not so much a fork in the road as it is merging lanes. I guess you’re gonna be stuck with me for a while, Moon Byulyi.”

“Likewise, Kim Yongsun,” Byulyi says, kissing her back.

“Years from now, don’t ever tell me I never gave you the opportunity to explore your options, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Byulyi chuckles softly and hugs her girlfriend close to her chest, basking in her warmth. 

And for the next few moments they just lie there, holding each other and kissing from time to time.

Yongsun reaches for a stray lock of hair and tucks it behind Byulyi’s ear, her tender eyes studying her face in the darkness, a fond little smile on her lips.

“What are you thinking of?” Byulyi whispers, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.

“That you are, and will always be, my first in every way that matters.”

“Yeah?”

“First kiss. First love. First lover. And, eventually, first marriage.”

“You shouldn’t say first marriage,” Byulyi rolls her eyes. “That implies there might be a second, or a third. Just say only marriage.”

“What if I want to marry you multiple times? How does that sound?”

“Expensive.”

Yongsun laughs in that unrestricted, lilting way of hers that makes Byulyi’s heart swell, and will for sure annoy her sleeping roommates. But then again, Hyejin sleeps like a log. And Wheein, the night owl, is probably not even asleep at all.

“All this marriage talk and you haven’t even met my parents, let alone propose.”

“Yet,” Yongsun kisses her lips. “Mark my words, Moon Byulyi, I will marry you as soon as I get a job and earn enough money to whisk you away to Canada.”

“Why Canada?”

“I heard it’s like the States, but gayer.”

Byulyi chuckles. 

“Also, Yonghee’s friend married her girlfriend in Vancouver. I’m sure we can ask her for tips and advice. How’s that sound?”

“Like a dream.”

I was the one you always dreamed of,

You were the one I tried to draw.

How dare you say it's nothing to me?

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

||| PRESENT |||

~ WELCOME HOME, CHEATER! ~

Yonghee is the one that takes the banner down.

If it was up to Yongsun, she would’ve kept it up for days, maybe weeks. Until a news crew gets a whiff of the story, and the whole thing evolves from being just a neighborhood sideshow into something akin to a cautionary tale for all the cheaters in the nation.

Maybe then her humiliation will be complete.

And, perhaps, it can serve as penance somehow.

To right wrongs; wipe clean some slates.

.

.

.

But, sadly, before the whole of South Korea could band together and vilify her cheating self, Yonghee steps in and saves her from such a fate.

The moment her sister arrives at her house, on the eve of Byulyi’s very public surprise, the first thing Yonghee does is climb up the stepladder that her wife had left on their front lawn, and violently yank the banner down.

“What’s happening between the two of you is between the two of you,” Yonghee says over her shoulder as she stomps through the front door in a huff. “Whatever you think you deserve for being such an idiot, this is not it.”

Heartbroken and exhausted, and with absolutely no fight left in her, Yongsun merely looks at the discarded banner on the walkway, and then at some of the balloon hearts that fell victim to her sister’s abrupt act.

She presses the palms of her hands into her eyes and sighs.

If she didn’t deserve this for her transgressions… then what exactly did she deserve?  

.

.

.

But… perhaps her sister has a point.

After all, if public shaming is the answer, how come divorce is still a thing?

Not that Yongsun wants to even consider the possibility of divorce.

But… again… what exactly does she deserve if not the loss of all things she holds dear?

.

.

.

No.

Not able to endure such a bleak thought, Yongsun scoops up the banner into her arms and marches inside after her sister.

Despite what Yonghee thinks, she deserves this.

.

.

.

She puts it back up when her sister leaves later that evening.

No, not outside by the front door.

She puts it up on the living room wall, just right above the flatscreen TV.

It’s a sight that will greet anyone entering her home. And being that she banished herself to the couch on her own accord, it’s also the last thing Yongsun will see if sleep ever comes tonight.

Which, of course, it doesn’t.

And she ends up staring in despair at Byulyi’s handiwork in between bouts of tears.

It makes her unbelievably nauseous and uncomfortable. 

But Yongsun likes it that way. 

The moment she starts being fine with all of this is the moment she might as well admit defeat. 

And her marriage isn’t something she is willing to give up on. 

Despite knowing that she is absolutely in no state to drive, Yongsun still gets behind the wheel of her car and drives away from Hani’s house after her conversation with Byulyi. 

At least, she attempts to.

Before long, and not even a few dozen meters away, she finds herself hitting the brakes and stopping abruptly in the middle of the road. And it’s at times like these, that she’s grateful for the fact that Byulyi’s right — Hani’s house is practically rural despite being in Seoul, and the lack of traffic in her neighborhood is a blessing in disguise.

She didn’t want to be a burden; that’s why she turned down Yonghee’s earlier offer to drive her here.

But right now, struggling to see past the tears in her eyes, Yongsun caves in to reason and maneuvers her car to a safer position on the side of the road. 

It’s not like she has any other choice.

She can barely see a thing. At this rate, if she stubbornly pushes on, she’s more than likely to drive into a ditch or hit a pedestrian. 

And, well, Yongsun’s had enough of hurting people. 

She calls Yonghee. 

.

.

.

Her older sister takes an Uber all the way to Dobong-gu, and despite her insistence, refuses Yongsun’s offer to pay her back the hefty fee. 

Yonghee simply nudges her and orders her to move over to the passenger’s seat while she takes over the driving duties. And when Yongsun does as she’s told and turns her whole body towards the window in a futile attempt to hide her blotchy face, Yonghee doesn’t say anything. 

Not even after listening to her cry softly to herself the whole drive home. 

It’s a small mercy, but one Yongsun appreciates all the same. 

It must be torture for Yonghee, seeing that she almost always has something to say about everything and anything. 

But despite being the more opinionated Kim sibling, Yonghee has always been kind. 

And Yongsun can use some kindness right now. 

.

.

.

It turns out, however, that her sister’s kindness has its limits. 

To her credit, it had completely slipped her mind. 

Until Yonghee stops abruptly in the foyer, openly gawping at the living room wall.

Of course.

The banner.

“What the hell, Yong?!”

Not really in the mood to argue, or even explain her motivations, Yongsun brushes past Yonghee and heads straight for the couch. Where she then proceeds to curl into a fetal position, conscious to keep her back to the rest of the room, unwilling to see the disapproval and disappointment that she knows she’ll see there. 

Not that it matters much. Because when Yonghee lets out a long drawn out sigh, it still drives the knife deeper in Yongsun’s chest. 

Though, curiously, she doesn’t hear any movement that would suggest that her sister is going to take down the banner a second time.

Instead, she feels the farside of the couch dip, and then the warmth of Yonghee’s hand enveloping her ankle as she sits by her feet. 

“Stay at my place for a while,” her sister tells her, not unkindly. “It’s not good for you to stay here all alone.”

“You live alone too. How is my case any different?”

“Well,” Yonghee says, patiently. “For starters, I don’t have misery for company now, do I?”

“If I move in with you, that’s all you’ll ever have.”

“True,” her sister acknowledges. “But then we could be miserable together.”

“I don’t want you to be miserable.”

“Too late for that.”

Yongsun opens her eyes and looks down to meet Yonghee’s gaze, and with a tone that comes out as more accusatory than anything, she asks, “And why would you be miserable?”

“Because you’re my baby sister,” Yonghee says simply. “And, yes, you made a terrible mistake; yes, you were horrible for lying to Byul-ah like that. But while I feel for her, and I don’t condone your actions in any way, my heart breaks for you too.”

Yongsun sniffles and bites on her trembling lip. 

“I really screwed up, unnie,” she admits in a whisper, curling more into herself. “I… don’t know how to fix it.”

“Start with an apology.”

“I tried.”

“Then keep apologizing.”

“I don’t intend to stop.”

“Good.”

“She said she needed time to process things.”

“Of course,” Yonghee says. “Give her that, it’s the least you can do. Remember, you’re the one in the wrong. Right now, it’s all about what she needs, not what you want.” 

“I want her back,” Yongsun sniffles. “I need her back.”

“Yes, but still give her space, okay?”

She nods in the affirmative, blinking away tears.

“Good,” Yonghee murmurs, giving her ankle a comforting squeeze. “I’m glad you’re not giving up on your marriage after all.”

It’s an innocuous statement, but it’s one that makes Yongsun’s head spin nevertheless. “Wait, did you think I would?”

Yonghee looks away, fiddling with the pendant on her necklace. 

“Unnie?”

“Well… can you blame me if I did?” her sister says, a bit hesitant. “How many times, just this year alone, did you come to me in tears because you had another fight with Byulyi? How many times did you sleep on my couch just to get away from her for a night?”

“Every couple goes through a rough patch,” Yongsun swipes at the tear that slips her eye, and like a wounded child, she sits up and scoots to the opposite corner of the couch, away from Yonghee’s touch. “That doesn’t mean I was ever contemplating ending my marriage.” 

Yonghee looks at her, eyebrow raised. 

“What?” Yongsun says, stilted. “If you have something to say, just say it, unnie.”

“You’ve never thought about getting a divorce?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Not even when you gave her that ultimatum all those months ago?”

“No,” she grounds out. At one point, that was the bleakest moment in their marriage — she could see the signs of Byulyi about to fall off the wagon again, and Yongsun was desperate enough to do whatever was necessary to stop it before it happened. “And you know very well how difficult it was for me to even give her that. But I did it to protect her from herself. And also to save our marriage.”

To her credit, Yonghee looks genuinely remorseful when she mumbles an apology. 

They allow themselves a few moments of quiet, to let the awkwardness dissipate.

And all the while, both sisters find themselves gazing at Byulyi’s banner and the crimson words on it that are screaming to be read. 

Yongsun pulls her legs to her chest and hugs them close.

“How is she?” Yonghee turns to her.

“How you’d expect,” Yongsun says with a listless sigh. “Angry. Heartbroken.”

“Has she…?”

Even without finishing her question, Yongsun knows what her sister is alluding to. And once again, guilt twists the knife inside her deeper. “Maybe. Possibly,” she runs a hand through her disheveled locks. “I found a lot of empty bottles when I came home that day.”

Yonghee looks troubled by this, and she knows that despite her proclivity in giving Byulyi grief, her sister really loves her wife too. “I’m so sorry, Yong.”

She smiles sadly. “Not as sorry as I am.”

.

.

.

“Unnie, do you think…” Yongsun pauses for a moment, her fingers toying with the hem of her pants. “Do you think she thinks that