CHAPTER THREE: Breakeven

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

<<< PAST <<<

Byulyi has always known that she was attracted to women. And that, unlike Hani and her interest in both genders, this attraction did not extend towards men at all.

She understands that this makes her different from a lot of the other girls her age. Not that she cares, ultimately; there’s a part of her that’s always liked being an outlier. 

But, yes, she’s known that she’s gay for as long as she can remember. And she accepts it as a mere fact.

It’s just who she is.

Her factory setting, to put it in layman’s terms. 

Although it’s only now that she’s entering her teenage years, and the budding film buff in her is getting more exposed to western movies and documentaries, that Byulyi realizes that her case is more of an aberration than the norm.

Most people struggle with their uality. Most people have journeys of self-discovery. 

However, there had never been a time of questioning for her; no great epiphanies during the course of her awkward pre-pubescent years.

But she’s not like most people is she?

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And no, it’s not because she thinks she’s some sort of unique, enlightened lesbian. No, not at all.

To put it bluntly, Byulyi just had a very irregular childhood in that, despite having a complete set of parents, she was mostly raised by herself, the internet, and her next door neighbor and bestfriend, Hani.

Which meant that, in their queer little bubble, the two so-called outliers built themselves a safe cocoon of normalcy and acceptance, and that , Byulyi supposes, made all the difference.

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So… Ahn Heeyeon, or Hani, and Moon Byulyi. 

Two peas from the same pod. 

Both an only child to a couple of very successful and extremely workaholic parents, both with a mischievous and inquisitive streak that largely went unchecked due to the regular absence of said parental figures, and both with a very strong fascination for pretty sunbaes that they both encouraged and stoked through mutual pining because they were also both very shy individuals.

So it comes as no surprise that now, at the tender age of thirteen, as they sit along the banks of the Han River and people-watch like they usually do after school, Byulyi and Hani end up coming to an agreement. 

Being that the two of them are the only queer people they know in their prissy little private school, and considering that some of their classmates are already trying their hand in this whole dating business, they decide to do themselves a favor and date. 

Each other.

With the Han River as their witness, they seal the deal with a handshake. All proper-like; just how adults do it.

And that’s how Ahn Heeyeon becomes Moon Byulyi’s first girlfriend. 

Their young love, so pure and sweet, having blossomed from the closest of friendships and a mutual desire to capitulate to peer pressure, lasts a whole day. 

One long day. 

That’s all the time it takes for them to realize that an attraction to girls doesn't necessarily equate to being attracted to any and every girl in existence. Especially to one that’s practically a sibling.

And, really, just the thought of holding hands and, horror upon horrors, kissing each other makes the two of them bend over in laughter – not to mention, violently ill – that there’s no way this whole thing could ever work out. 

So, with another handshake and a strict promise to never speak of it again, the two break up.

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A few years later, and just hours after their high school graduation, Byulyi makes good on a promise. This time one that she had made with her younger self.

She comes out to her parents. 

And it goes just the way she had always expected it to go: terribly, with a huge helping of bigotry and a side of ignorance. 

Of course it involves a not-so-brief display of righteous indignation from her father, complete with an impassioned soliloquy about how the Bible says this and that, and how she’s probably going to end up in hell.

The funny thing is? They’re not even Catholic. Or remotely religious for that matter. The only time her appa ever stepped foot inside a church is when his construction firm was hired to restore an old room at the Myeongdong Cathedral.

That’s about it.

The hypocrisy almost makes her burst into laughter. 

Not that her mother is any better, mind you. Sure, she keeps religion out of , but instead she focuses on the social implications of her only daughter coming out as gay – for herself, naturally. Of what the neighbors might think of her as a mother, and god forbid, what they would say if Byulyi ever decided to cut her hair short like that lady down the street who left her husband for another woman, and now lives perpetually in bermuda shorts and a terrible buzz cut.

At this point, wholly unable to help herself any longer, Byulyi chuckles faintly. 

Spurned by this overt display of disrespect, her mother then proceeds to talk her ear off about how a future of terrible life and fashion choices awaits her, as if that could somehow force her to re-think her uality.

She doesn’t, of course.

And when she notices that her scare tactics haven’t phased Byulyi at all, her mother launches into the next part of her spiel: good ol’ emotional blackmail.

“What would your halmeoni and harabeoji think?” Moon Ji-hye half-whispers, as if her grandparents were in the other room, and then clutches at her chest for added dramatic effect when she says, “You’ll break their hearts.”

“Omma,” Byulyi says, managing the straightest face that she can muster. “They died before I was even born.”

“That’s not the point, I bet they’re turning in their graves from shame.”

“But they were cremated though?” she reminds helpfully, doubting any such turning is taking place in any graves… or urns. 

Her mother huffs, all indignant-like, and then shoots her father a stern look, wordlessly directing him to take point again. 

For all of his flaws, Moon Minjun has always listened well to his wife. So, with his brows furrowed and mouth set into a thin line, he towers over a sitting Byulyi, shakes his finger at her face and thunders, “The Bible says–”

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Byulyi’s not sure who’s more disappointed with whom; her, that she ends up being right about their bigotry, or them, that they somehow end up with a “defective” child despite all the hard work they put into raising her.

Well.

She laughs them out of the room after her father says that.

And they do legitimately leave the house, luggage and all.

But it’s not because they can’t stomach being in the same room as their gay child, but because they have a plane to catch.

You know, being busy, important business-folk and all that jazz. 

“Did they kick you out?” Hani asks in lieu of a greeting as soon as Byulyi drags herself into her friend’s room and plops face down on the foot of the bed.

“Pretty sure they were gonna,” Byulyi mumbles into the mattress, and then turns her head towards Hani and smiles wryly. “But they didn’t because they remembered that they were gonna be gone for a month and that they needed someone to watch the house. So they just changed the Wi-Fi password on me before they left for Beijing.” 

“And then what, they’ll disown you when they come back?”

“Who knows?” Byulyi snorts, snatching a pillow from under Hani’s knees and tucking it under her head. “Knowing them, they’ll forget all about it and I’ll have to come out of the closet all over again.” 

“Fun,” her friend says dryly, casting aside the novel she was reading on the bedside table. “How do you feel though?”

“Tired,” she yawns. “But lighter.”

“I’m proud of you, Byulie.”

“Thank you.” She smiles faintly, and then gives Hani’s sock-covered foot a little shake. “Now, it’s your turn.”

That earns her a groan. “Nah, no thanks.”

“Chicken,” Byulyi teases.

“Hey, hey, not everyone is as brave or as headstrong as you.” Hani lifts her hands up to her sides as if in surrender. “I’ll come out when I’m ready.”

“And when will that be?”

“After my parents die, of course.”

“Aren’t Ahn’s generally a long-lived bunch?” 

Hani taps her nose conspiratorially, a ghost of a smile on her lips. “Exactly.”

“Wuss.”

“Dontcha know it.”

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“Wait, are they still paying for you to go to SNU?”

“I think so? Can’t have a gay child and a non-SNU graduate one at that too.” Byulyi rolls her eyes. “Now, that would really taint the Moon family name and legacy.”

“Oh, the horror,” Hani gasps playfully.

“But you know, it doesn’t matter if they support me or not. Now that I’m done with high school, I’ll have access to my share of harabeoji’s estate.”

“Ooh…” Hani nudges her with her foot. “So, does that mean you’ll be rich?”

“I wish,” Byulyi chuckles, and then flips herself on her back and wiggles around a bit until she’s comfortable in her new position. “But at least I can afford to move out of that house and pay my own tuition if need be.” 

“Hey, speaking of moving out. Hyejin-ah is still looking for a roommate, you should text her.”

“Your cousin?”

Hani nods affirmatively. “Yeah, she landed a scholarship at SNU. She’s moving to Seoul in a couple of months.”

“Doesn’t she still have a year left in high school?”

“Nah, she skipped a grade.”

That catches Byulyi’s attention. “Oh? That kinda thing actually happens here?”

“Sure, if you're smart enough,” Hani shrugs, picking at lint on her sweater, before wagging her eyebrows suggestively and saying, “And if the school principal also happens to have a thing for your widowed mother, and wants you out of the house and as far away from it as soon as possible.” 

To this, they share a laugh.

And for the next few moments they discuss the possibility of all three of them living together and the logistics of it all, considering that Hani will be studying in Yonsei University which isn’t exactly close to SNU.

In the end, sadly enough, they both agree to just visit each other often instead, since realistically, it would be more ideal to live within walking distance to their own universities. 

After all, it’s highly unlikely that Byulyi’s parents will still follow through and give her a car as a graduation present. And talking about this scrapped gift means that, naturally, their conversation cycles back to what happened this afternoon.

“Did your mom cry?”

“A little bit. Mostly when she was talking about me getting a crew cut.”

Hani nods sagely. “Priorities, of course.”

“She was kinda pretty hung up about it, actually. The whole hair thing.”

“If you insist on being a lesbian, Byulyi,” her friend intones, all haughty and condescending, mimicking her mother’s voice to a tee. “Then, fine, you can be one, just don’t look like one. Leave room for plausible deniability.”

They look at each other for a beat, and then both lose it completely. And when their laughter subsides sometime later, Hani stretches languidly and crosses her feet over Byulyi’s stomach, then gives it a light tap with her heel. 

“Will you though?”

“Hm?” 

“Now that you’re an out and proud lesbian, are you gonna do it? Will you hack off your hair to make a statement?”

“Nah,” Byulyi shakes her head, even though she’s tempted to just to irk her parents. But that would only serve to perpetuate some of the more annoying stereotypes in her mother’s head, so, nope. 

Though now that she’s thinking about it, isn’t doing something with one’s hair usually some sort of rite of passage after huge life events? So, maybe she should do something. 

“Actually…” Byulyi takes her phone out and searches for the nearest salon. No, there are still no crew cuts to spell a radical change in her near future, but she’ll go for the next best thing: “I think I’ll dye it instead.”

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She picks silver.

Or as the hairstylist insists on correcting her: Ash Gray.

When asked why she picked it, Byulyi simply tells the person washing her hair that it’s because she thought it’d look cool on her. And it does, for sure, even the rest of the salon’s staff agree when the whole process is done.

No one needs to know that she picked it because Taeyeon’s silver-hair era was Byulyi’s absolute favorite look on her ultimate crush and idol, as the poster hanging above her bed would attest. 

Nor do they need to know that, in a huge way, her shy self needed a confidence boost before she started her freshman year at SNU. And if dyeing her hair is a step towards her new life as an out and proud lesbian in college, she might as well start looking the part of a cool, sophisticated undergrad with her sleek silver hair.

Fake it till you make it, right?

“Ohh, hey, looking hot, lesbian grandma.”

Byulyi gives Hani the finger. 

“.”

Several months into her freshman year as a Film and Video Studies major at SNU, Byulyi is finally bringing a girl home to the apartment she shared with Hyejin, and Hyejin’s art prodigy of a friend from Jeonju, Wheein. 

Granted, she’s invited girls to hang out at their place before, but this time it’s different. This time, the girl in question is not just one of the many friends that Byulyi, in an effort to come out of her shell, made during the countless freshmen parties she’s attended since school began. Two of which she’d drunkenly made out with by the way, only to realize that not only were they painfully straight, they were terrible kissers too. Especially the one who puked all over her shortly after. 

Anyway, she digresses. 

Tonight, it’s not just a girl but the girl that’s coming over – the one that she has crushed on since she first caught a glimpse of her at the library last month, the one that she finally worked up the courage to approach last week and has been texting non-stop ever since, and more importantly, the one that has the potential to be a girlfriend, and not just a girl-space-friend.

Needless to say, Byulyi is beyond excited. Also terrified as hell.

After all, because of midterms, this is the first time they’re seeing each other in person since they met last week.

So, technically, this is also like a first date of sorts.

And damn is she nervous.

“If you light any more candles, you’re gonna set off the smoke alarm, Byulyi-unnie,” Wheein says over her shoulder before disappearing inside her room, a huge bag of chips tucked under one arm and a liter of Coke Zero in the other. Her dinner, presumably. 

Biting back a wince, Byulyi extinguishes four out of the six candles she’d strategically placed all over the living room, and after contemplating it for a hot second, puts out the incense she had lit too.

“Smart call,” Hani commends from the couch, her legs propped up on the coffee table, playing a game on her phone. “It was starting to smell like a massage parlor and a temple had a baby in here.”

“Shut up, it’s not that ba–”

“Unnie, please tell me you didn’t buy these to scatter all over the place.” Hyejin steps out of the kitchen, holding up a clear bag with an obscene amount of rose petals inside. “First of all, that’s kinda outdated. Second of all, I just vacuumed the whole apartment this morning.”

“Uh, those aren’t mine.”

“They’re Wheein’s,” Hani supplies, her eyes still glued to her phone. “For an art thing she’s working on. Or bath bombs? I dunno, I tuned out after a while.”

Satisfied with that, Hyejin disappears inside the kitchen again, only to reappear a few moments later to grab her jacket and her bag. “I’ll be back late, please don’t wait up.”

“Hot date?” Byulyi asks, doing and undoing the topmost button of her Oxford shirt in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to figure out which looks better on her. 

“Closing shift at the librar