"i still don't like it how it ended."

joy sits on the couch, thoughtful expression on her face. ever since that time she was caught with seungwan she can't live peacefully. she keeps thinking about it, about joohyun's expression in particular. her words that joy is not good echo in her head. yes, she's not good. she's an awful human being. what she did weighs on her conscience. she's never done something so bad before and never in her life she thought she'd do it. she literally named herself joy because she wants to bring joy to other people not take it away. she cursed out cheaters and now she helped seungwan become one.

"should've thought about it before you jumped in bed with me." seungwan says in the kitchen by the counter. she's nonchalant about this or at least pretends to be, joy doesn't know anymore. joy thought seungwan was the same person she always was in high school right up to that moment when joohyun walked in on them. she says she froze, didn't know what to do and joy understands that to some extent but when the person you love is crying in front of you, you should do something, at least say something. joy can't help but think of herself in joohyun's situation, what's to say seungwan won't just throw her away coldly like that?

she looks at seungwan as she makes herself a smoothie. they are together now, seungwan doesn't have anywhere else to go so she lives with joy. they jumped several steps in this relationship and joy feels herself panicking that it's way too soon.

it was perfect, the day of the concert. seungwan said she canceled her plans for her, picked her up by the door like a gentleman. she felt important, she remembers feeling butterflies in her stomach as she stood by the door. seungwan still smiled the same.

the concert was everything she could've hoped for. it was a band both of them knew, so they were screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs. there were drinks that went down easily. they were touching shoulder to shoulder and joy kept looking over at her. she looked so free. she was always like that when she was surrounded by music, she remembered her in the music room with a guitar, spying on her before they were together. she would play it so well, joy couldn't take her eyes off of her no matter how hard she tried, heart, pounding in her chest. the feeling was back, she couldn't take her eyes off of beautiful - now older - seungwan, glancing at her from time to time. seungwan recognized that look in her eyes and stared meaningfully at her. it was dangerous, joy thought, she still did it.

the thing is - joy was young and foolish in high school, all she thought was love. romantic movies, love songs, matchmaking, romance novels, you name it, joy would get her hands on them and consume everything. they say things would change in college and she'd grow out of it, but it didn't change. not for her.

when she and seungwan started dating, joy was obsessed with her. all she thought was about her, every thing she did was because of her. school? forget it, seungwan was more important. seungwan embraced that side of her met her with the same amount of love that joy put out. joy thought she met the one. she really was perfect, they were perfect together.

when seungwan had to graduate and leave her behind she was heartbroken, cried for months, went into an academic slump. she lived in memories of her and seungwan, their hangouts, kisses, their first time having . she wanted her back. they had promised to find each other again, resume their relationship because they broke up not because they didn't love each other anymore but because they were broken apart by the distance. seungwan was serious about her studies, always first in class, she didn't want it to change in college. she didn't want any distractions and while being called a distraction hurt, joy understood for the most part.

joy was still hung up on seungwan when she moved here. she never imagined meeting her here again, but she held in her heart the hope that they will meet again, and when they meet they'll be together. she tried finding love like that in multiple people, but they were mere distractions that she used to keep herself from being lonely. and she was very lonely. she wanted the warmth of being loved again, craved it.

and here seungwan was, looking at her like she did when they were in high school. joy's heart pounded in her chest like that time that she caught seungwan in the music room. hope grew in her heart, completely forgetting seungwan's situation at home, that seungwan was not hers to keep. when they went back to her flat and seungwan had asked 'are you sure?' she never was any more sure in her entire life. after all those years of separation, she wanted her seungwan back.

they have been meeting for two weeks, having little dates. but it was always friendly, it never came to close to romance. she always kept respectable distance and nothing happened. so when it finally did happen, it didn't even occur to her that it was her that should have asked that question of 'are you sure?'

does she regret it? not exactly. because now she gets to see seungwan making a smoothie in their home like she dreamed all those years before. she longed and yearned for it, never satisfied in life, always feeling like something was missing. now that missing puzzle piece is here, right in her hand. so she doesn't regret it. she regrets the way it comes about, but she's planning on making it right no matter what. anyone who knows her can say she can be very determined when she wants something.

joy comes home from work to someone aggressively banging on the elevator button. she carefully walks closer because she doesn't know everyone in this building and she doesn't want to get stabbed this evening. she carefully tilts her head to see the person's face and freezes.

"joohyun unnie?" she calls.

the banging stops. joohyun turns to look at her with glassy eyes. she sways, nearly toppling over before kicking out her leg and regaining her footing. she doesn't say anything, just stares at her with eyes that don't really see a thing.

joy steps forward to grab her when she nearly falls over. she helps her stand, putting her arm over her own shoulder. the elevator finally comes and joy walks them inside. she doesn't let go of her even then, tightly holding her hand on her collarbone. she helps her to their floor, to her flat. she unlocks the door for her, using the key she finds in her pocket, and lets her inside. she doesn't calculate what would happen when she lets go, so she can just stare at joohyun as she falls to the floor.

joy rushes to help her, but joohyun harshly takes back her arm, glaring.

"don't touch me!" she slurs with venom.

joy doesn't listen, she tries again. this time joohyun doesn't have the strength to push her away so joy manages to lift her up off of the floor.

"let's get you sober up." joy says, walking joohyun to the bathroom. she sits her down on the side of the tub and helps her out of her shirt, joy turns on the water, filling the tub up with cold water. she lets joohyun try and takes the rest of her clothes by herself but she doesn't manage so joy does it for her, acting as respectfully as possible.

"get in." joy says, once she's done.

"i don't need your help."

"well you got it, so get in." joy says. "i won't leave till you're in that tub."

that works, joohyun sighs and gets inside the tub, submerging herself under the water. joy quickly shoves her hands under the water, pulling her out.

"jesus, do you want to drown yourself?" she says, with now soaked sleeves.

"yes." joohyun spits water that gets into .

joy looks at her. where's the confident woman that she met on her first day here? she thinks of herself on the first day that seungwan left in high school and compares herself it to joohyun. she looks heartbroken and rightfully so, joy didn't expect her to be all jolly right away but... getting drunk in the middle of the day, causing a ruckus, joy was expecting more class, but who is classy when they are heartbroken?

"i wanted to talk to you." joy says and joohyun scoffs turning away from her. "i wanted to apologize."

" you." joohyun spits out.

joy looks down and couches down next to the tub.

"i know what we did was awful." joy looks down at the water. "there's no excuse, but i just wanted to say that we didn't do it out of spite."

joohyun keeps quiet.

"i love her." joy says, in a final attempt to explain herself.

"i love her!" joohyun shoots back. "why are your feelings more important than mine?"

"seungwan made a decision and as much as it's painful-"

"a decision that ruined my life." joohyun says.

"it didn't ruin your life." joy tries to rebut her. "you have a good job, a place to live. you have friends - i assume - that would do anything for you. seungwan wasn't your whole life and the place that she left empty you can rebuild it."

joohyun just looks at each other and joy gets more desperate. she shifts closer, submerging her hand into the water to fish out joohyun's. she raises it above the water and holds it, even though it's unresponsive.

"when i met you i was intimidated by you, you were something i wished to grow into as time went by. you know what you want and take it, the way you command the space everywhere you go, it's magnificent. not to mention how beautiful you, i don't think