so here i am sitting on a balcony under the moonlight of the snowy sky. it is also crying and i am trying to count the stars but they're invisible. 

dear reader, have you ever loved someone and you just knew it is them and no one else? people can be replaced but you who held me dearly, you who loved me more than anything, you who made me happy — will never be replaced. the moment i had loved you i knew it would be you or no one else. 

if you ever happen to stumble upon this cry of mine, i hope you will be who are the you. i see you in my dreams ever so often. the wound is still gaping and bleeding. i wonder how long it takes to piece together a shattered heart. there's no math equation that could ever solve this mystery, no sherlock holmes. 

i have regrets but the only one i don't is loving you. bad decisions, making mistakes is my forte but never have i ever intended for us to turn out like this. two lost stars in the sky that were never named. i loved you from thousand of miles away, i love you till now as i sit on my ty balcony with a cigarette in hand. what is the point of uttering words i miss you if they bear no illusion of your presence, but you live in my mind every second of the day. are you eating your meals properly? are you fixing your sleeping habits? are you healing yourself? i know that i'm trying and this is my way. 

to you who i hurt, to failed relationships, to people who will get hurt and have their hearts broken i hope you will mend. the meaning of love? it was lost to me the day you walked away, but your love stayed with me. it won't be forgotten. oh, i wish to have met you in a better lifetime where i am not broken and could love you the way you deserve to be loved. please don't get me wrong, i love you with my whole being. i could only wish for things to go another way. it may be hard to believe after everything but i have not loved anyone quite the way i love you. 

i miss your smile, i miss the warmth of your hand and your presence. i miss the way you called me baby. do not humor me, it is my plea of cry into the void. i have always needed to let my feelings out on a sheet of paper, on the notes app. anywhere. somewhere where i could be heard. 

i do not beg for forgiveness, i do not dream of it. i only wish for you to be happy, and sadly not by my side. but, oh, how do i move on from you, i simply do not know when i am so used to having you in my life. you do occupy my thoughts, and i feel like sinking every day. if you know me, the me — then you know the words i meant and didn't mean. in reality what i mean is that i have to let you go and my love for you will stay forever. it starts with you and ends with me. our forever ever after that burned to ashes with hopes and our dreams. 

more than not, i will always belong to you. you'll live in my heart whereas i created a bed for you there so you can sleep peacefully, and i will revisit our memories one day with a smile on my face, and not with aching pain that occupies my body and soul every day. we might think differently but you are my soulmate, yet it seems like not all soulmates are meant to be. 

i love you, sincerely. i always will.