It was a warm Friday evening, and Sung Gyu was working from home, which meant he would be locked up in his room until late, exiting only to refill his water, to grab a snack, so I had the rest of the house to myself. Yulhee was home as well, and we were sitting in front of the TV watching one of the shows she religiously followed but with the volume down. When we spoke, we spoke in whispers, when we laughed, our laughter was soundless. Having lived with an academic who had a pair of ears sharper than a cat, Yulhee and I had learned to survive in such harsh conditions. Soon we wouldn’t have to do it anymore, the thought appeared in my mind; disgusting and horrible. But the imagined possibility of a fulfilling life with Woohyun was still daunting to me.

“Yulhee-ah” I called my daughter at some point, and she looked up, ripping her gaze from the TV. 

“Hm?”

I took a second to ponder my words again and ran my hand through her soft curls. “Sweets, would you like to go somewhere with me this weekend?”

I had thought about it long and hard, and realised I had to start the process early, take it slowly, gradually, for it was no easy train to jump.

“Okay” She simply agreed. “Where are we going?”

“To meet one of my very good friends,” I told her. “They have a nice house with a garden and a cat”

At the mention of the garden and the cat, Yulhee swiftly perked up. “A garden and a cat?” She echoed excitedly. “That is very nice! I have never gone to a house with a garden and a cat!”

Her grandmother’s house indeed had a bit of a garden, but she was allergic to animals so she hadn’t any, which was why Yulhee understood both in one picture. I laughed and gently caressed her hair. “Yup. It's a nice garden and a very nice cat. My friend is very nice too, and he’s excited to meet you”

The commercials on the TV ended, taking us back to the show so Yulhee was distracted again; she nodded, her eyes set on the screen. 

“We will stay there for a while” I went on as I had nobody else to tell these things to but my four and a half year old daughter. “Maybe a whole day, maybe overnight”

“What about appa?” Despite being distracted, Yulhee brought it up, and my heart simply fell through the floor. It was what worried me every single time. Divorcing with a four year old child. How on earth was I going to take her away from her biggest hero, the most important person in her life? Was he replaceable? Would she like him more? Would Woohyun ever live up to what Sung Gyu had always been for her?

I swallowed the ill thoughts, leaving them for the future to decide. “Well, appa will be busy with work over this weekend, sweety, he would have a lot of things to do”

Yulhee nodded, perhaps distractedly, perhaps understandingly, and we left it at that.

A moment later, my phone began to ring. I moved to the end of the sofa, picked it up discreetly, fearing it was Woohyun calling me at an odd time of the day. But it wasn’t. It was a number that I didn’t recognise, one that looked like a professional landline. The door of Sung Gyu’s study opened at the same time, and he glided down the hall in his dark silken dressing gown -he a beautiful silhouette- its straps sweeping the floor. Yulhee cheered upon seeing him whom Sung Gyu gently shushed and he pointed out in a whisper, “Omma’s on a call” 

I picked it up, and on the other end spoke a thick polite voice, the kind of a female voice you’d expect to be of an old, stern receptionist or a principal. “Is this the family of Professor Kim Sung Gyu?”

I looked over at the said professor Kim Sung Gyu across the hall who was returning to his room after refilling his water. He stopped behind the sofa, leaned over and kissed Yulhee gently on her head.

“Yes it’s me, Jung Eunji” I replied, watching my husband return to his room. “I’m his wife”

“That’s great, thank you” The lady on the other end replied. “My name is Kang Gyuri, the dean of Yonsei University’s faculty of Graduate studies...I found your number in Professor Kim's Personal profile...is this a good time to talk, Eunji-Ssi?”

My heart pounded at the tone of her voice, the possibilities. “Y-yes...it’s a good time….” I swallowed, glanced down at Yulhee who was deeply concentrating on the show, climbed up on my feet and moved further away. 

“Well, it's about a bit of a concern, Eunji-Ssi, we don’t want to alarm you-,”

I froze to the spot, hand gripping harder onto the phone. “Is-is everything alright, Gyuri-Ssi? Did my husband-,” I swallowed. “Did he...do anything wrong?”

“No, no not at all” The lady-Gyuri replied, followed by a polite laughter to ease the atmosphere. “He hadn’t done anything wrong, Eunji-Ssi...in fact, he’s one of the most renowned young scholars of our university and one of our proudest alumnus...it's for this reason that we thought we would contact his family about this...before we talk to him. Eunji-Ssi...the truth is, it's about his health”

I sighed. I didn’t need more to put two and two together. It had happened again, the funny thing that his brain did. He must have lectured the wrong things, gotten angry at his students and stomped out of the hall, forgotten a lecture, gotten stuck with his words. It's an all new thing everyday. 

“We have received quite a few complaints from our students about inadequacies in his lectures,” Gyuri went on, answering my doubts. “It is not that he’s unprepared or unaware. We’re certain he must have done these lectures many times in his academic life. It’s only that...he tend to go off topic more often, get mixed up with certain words and concepts...he’s quite forgetful, get lost in the campus grounds...we’ve observed this behaviour in him and found it to be quite odd...as many of us have worked with him for a long time, we feel it's very unlike himself…” A moment of silence, and- “As his partner, have you come across anything similar as well?”

There were a hundred different scenarios I could  tell her, all worse than the next. I didn’t intend to go on a full account of my husband’s mental status. “I’m really sorry….that these things happened, Gyuri-Ssi” I politely replied. “There were a few incidents on my end as well...lots of things he forgot, mixing up thoughts and words…I believed it could be something to do with struggles at work” I replied. “After all, what he does is very important and equally stressful isn’t it?”

“Yes, we do agree….the work stress could become quite ominous” Gyuri replied pleasantly. “And we also wondered if…” A moment of silence, and “Could it be that he’s having other personal troubles? Excuse me for asking, Eunji-Ssi, we don’t mean to pry, but I believe the best person to ask this is you”

I didn’t think I felt comfortable sharing truths about our marital struggles with the place my husband was employed at, and there was indeed no reason that I should, so I lied. “There is no such trouble on my end; We’re happily married, he has a wonderful four year old daughter...It's probably only the stress of his work”

“Yes, indeed” Gyuri replied, followed by a polite laughter. “I’m sorry if we put you in an uncomfortable position. It is only out of concern for Professor Kim that we decided to check on his well being…” She continued. “We haven’t confronted him about it yet, we were afraid doing so would disrupt his motivation to work as well...but we would like to keep you informed that, if there is any health related issue that he may be suffering from, physically or mentally, the university would be happy to make necessary arrangements for him; be it related to health insurance or paid medical leaves...if such situation arise, please do let us know…”

“Of course” I replied with a certain tightness in my chest. “If it happens to be the case, I certainly would”

“And Eunji-Ssi…” Gyuri called again before I could end the foreboding telephone conversation. I pressed the phone to my ear once more. “Yes, Gyuri-Ssi”

“Just in case” She started in a grave tone, “We suggest that he had a health check up to see if there are any health complications present. As I said, Professor Kim is one of our most renowned assets as an academic as well as a teacher; his good performance is of great importance to us, so please, if you may, prompt him to take a health examination and follow up on treatments if needed….that would be greatly appreciated”

I took a deep breath, already frustrated by the task I was allotted with and closed my eyes. “I will keep him informed, Gyuri-Ssi, thank you for letting me know”

After the phone conversation, my concerns started taking a different light. What if he was really having any mental health issues? It was obvious that he was, we had enough implications of that, but if he really did I couldn’t think of a stronger role that I could play. There was no way that I could convince him to take medical support; he hated hospitals, he despised getting ill, going to the doctors, he even hated getting his eyes examined and would often lose his patience when I had prompted him to do so. He had no other family that I could contact to make them convince him, and the only other friend I knew he had had already left the country. His workplace could have done it for him, but they wouldn’t as deduced from our last conversation. I could get mum to tell him as he was really close to her, but the last thing I wanted was mum losing her mind over that. Therefore,  however much unwilling I was, the responsibility was mine, and even imagining myself doing that was making my head hurt.

It was a friday evening which meant it was one of those days that Missus Lee would leave early to catch the bus to visit her older sister in her hometown, which also meant that I had to be the one making dinner. Sometimes Sung Gyu did that, sometimes we had dinner at mums or ordered in. Tonight there was no prospect of any of that happening, so I tried to distract myself by cooking away. 

Yulhee finished her TV show at some point and fluttered her way to the kitchen, her feet light as a kitten. She wanted to help me, which she liked doing because she’s so eager to do the kind of stuff she thought grown up people did. So I placed her little stool by the sink and helped her rinse the rice, and vegetables as we spoke. She brought things over from the fridge for me, like veggies and eggs and even smaller containers of side dishes. I asked what she liked for dinner, she said she wanted fried rice, so that's what we made. We talked about things as we did, her dominating the conversation. 

Yulhee has a dozen million things filling her little mind. At the age of four, she knew important people and notable characters, and if one asked her about wars and peace treaties she would be able to talk about them in a precision that would leave even adults quite embarrassed. Mum thought she might be a prodigy, but I was certain it was just Sung Gyu’s influence. So talking to her was quite challenging to keep up with, for she knew about things a lot more than I did.

Yulhee was telling me about a dream that she’d had sometime ago where she had seen Sir Abraham Lincoln riding a bicycle when the sound of Sung Gyu’s study door open echoed in the house. I looked up, dread creeping under my skin and I attempted to concentrate on Yulhee’s tale. But she too had drifted off from her story, excited to have her father back after a long day.

“Appa!” She squealed excitedly, hopped over the two steps from the kitchen area down to the hallway and ran across the house right into his arms. Sung Gyu was exhausted, his eyes swollen, hair in a mess. But he instantly brightened up upon seeing Yulhee’s face, a wide smile appeared on his lips. My heart naturally skipped a beat; their interactions always softened me and pained equally. A reason to stay, I would realise every time. I needed stronger reasons to leave.

“Sorry that I couldn’t talk to you much today, Yulhee” Sung Gyu picked her up and held her against his waist. “What have you been up to?”

“We were watching Tv and now omma and I are making fried rice”

“We’re having fried rice tonight?” He asked, from Yulhee of course, but I wished he had asked me. I wished he asked me more, if he could help, if there was anything else I’d need. I wished he would come across the kitchen towards me like he used to, place a hand on my waist and kiss my cheek before asking how my day was. But now, he pretended that I didn’t exist.

He set Yulhee down and she rushed over to help me. I picked her up and let her see the progress of the fried rice in the wok. She said it smelled great in her happy high pitched voice and laughed. Once I put her down she returned to her father again, asked him about his work, prompted him to tell her about the conference that he’d been in. Sometimes I wondered if Yulhee felt it strongly too, that her parents have become strangers to each other, no matter how much we tried not to be. She was like a puppy going to either of us searching for love and attention which we both didn’t hesitate to give. Yet that gap was certainly evident where she too did not try to get us both involved together in her conversations as if she already knew a lot more than she should.

Sung Gyu was soon setting the table, Yulhee in his arms who helped him by taking down the plates in the upper compartments of the pantries. We were quiet at that time, so quiet and him so close. I looked up at him at one point, at his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, his messy hair, the way he carefully held Yulhee in his arms. He caught me watching him at some point and my heart leapt out of my chest. I felt giddy again. A part of me was wishing he would suddenly become his old self, take a hundred-and-eighty-degree turn, ask me things, tell me things, lean over and kiss me, but it never came. He did smile at me however, small and tight-lipped like it was an obligation. I wondered for a second if he had forgotten me too.

It was then that I remembered the conversation that I’d had with his university, the health concerns that had left me devastated. It occurred to me then, he would lock himself up in his office after work and I wouldn’t have a moment to bring it up to him. I ideally shouldn’t, not when Yulhee was around, but the worries have been eating me inside.

“Oppa” I started in a quiet voice when he moved away. I thought he hadn’t heard me, but after a minute of a gap, he replied. “Yes, darling”

The term of endearment too was an obligation, just so Yulhee felt we were still the same. My heart fell, yet I took a deep breath and continued to stir the rice on the stove.

“Your university called me this evening,” I said. There was another beat of silence. Sung Gyu looked up at me, his firm gaze set on me, intimidating me.

“Why would they?” He asked me, as he searched in my eyes. 

I swallowed hard, already knowing it was nothing he’d want to hear. “Well they said they were...concerned…”

“About?”

It was suffocating me. 

“About your...work…” I closed my eyes, heaved yet another long breath and jumped straight into the concern. “There had been some incidents at work that they said were concerning and they were worried for your health, Oppa, that’s what they told me”

There was silence; a thick, cold silence as Sung Gyu continued to place plates on the table, carrying his daughter all the while. I despised that silence, I despised not knowing what was on his mind. I turned away from him and turned off the stove.

“They said-and I think so too- that…” I lifted my head and turned to him. “Maybe you should have a health check up, Sung Gyu oppa. See a psychiatrist, maybe, see what you can do”

There was a resounding clutter when Sung Gyu placed the cutlery particularly harshly on the table. I flinched, glanced at Yulhee whom he still held tight. Her little face was clouded, worry etched in her eyes. 

“I’m not mad, Jung Eunji” He said quietly, not meeting my eyes. Yulhee looked at him, then at her mother, her face crumpled like a flower. My heart fell upon seeing her, and so I called for him.

“Oppa…”

He looked up at me, and I tried to pass the message to him with my eyes ‘You’re carrying our daughter in your arms, Sung Gyu, please’

The look in his eyes was cold, daunting. I pursed my lips and said nothing else. He let out a heavy sigh, looked down at Yulhee who worriedly watched her father. He smiled at her, a smile nothing like the stern, controlled one that he would give me. It was warm, apologetic, beautiful. He tenderly kissed her on her head and set her down on the ground.

“Would you fetch your chopsticks and spoon, Yulhee?”

Yulhee nodded, said not a word and trudged over to the counter. Sung Gyu looked up, flames in his eyes, and I realised that we were onto yet another Friday night of a fight.

Neither of us brought it up again until later in the night. Sung Gyu took over the responsibility of Yulhee while I cleaned up after dinner, and for a long time he was with her, accompanying her as she washed up, getting her ready to bed. Even as I passed by her room where the door was left ajar, Sung Gyu was sitting on the bed beside her as she talked animatedly, a massive smile on her face. They were best friends and partners, he was still lovely to his daughter but me. For a moment I wondered if I should leave her to him when I leave. But then I would remember the phone call, the dent on his car, all the times he lost his way then I would change my mind. It was either that Sung Gyu did his best to fix himself, or we left him to go to a safer place. Although the latter was something I wouldn’t dare bring up to him, as his wife, as his partner, the former I could try.

I was already lying in bed when Sung Gyu came out of the shower, his hair damp, in a t-shirt and flannel pajamas, and slid under the covers beside me. I closed my eyes, my heart pounding, pulled myself to the edge of the bed and pretended to have fallen asleep. I wanted to try again, tell him what I wanted to tell him. But how could I when he was like this?

Yet, although I wasn’t expecting it, Sung Gyu was the one who spoke first. 

“You shouldn’t have said that,” He said, his voice mild, apologetic. I knew what he was referring to. I said nothing still, and continued to lay awake.

“It’s already hard on her, Eunji. She’s too little, she doesn’t have to know that I am running out of my mind”

I fisted the blanket, my eyes closed, my heart heavy. So he knew it too.

I had never thought about it myself, how Sung Gyu felt about his condition, if he was aware of what was happening to him, if he even knew what it was. Perhaps he did and never told me anything about it, he was not the type to and I had never really given him a reason to. And now that dread was gnawing at me inside. I sat up, the blankets clutched to my beating heart.

“You’re not running out of your mind” I gently replied. 

There was a beat of silence, and he heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m not mad, Eunji”

“I didn’t say that you were-,”

“But everybody else thinks that I am” He went on. “Everyone does, and I’m tired of that”

I let a moment of quietness pass between us as I tugged at the blanket in my hands. My heart was aching for him, at his words, at his silence. I looked at my husband across the room, my husband who was slowly becoming a stranger to me. I wanted to reach out across the bed, take his hand and assure him that he wasn’t running out of his mind, that I would stand with him even if the world was against us. But I couldn’t. He may not be mad, but he certainly was sick in his mind, and it would only worsen if he wouldn’t do anything about it. Only I could convince him that he should.

“You might be sick,” I told him in the end, into that deafening silence. “Maybe that’s why you forget things and maybe that’s why you’re frustrated all the time-,”

“I’m not sick” He sternly replied.

I nodded, swallowed hard and looked up at him. “I know, and I didn’t say you were, but you should still see a psychiatrist and-,”

This drove him right off the edge. He climbed out of the bed, throwing the blanket off himself and stood against the backdrop of the endless city lights. “I’m not goddamn mad, Eunji!” He exclaimed, his voice breaking, dejected. “I’m not mad! I’m not crazy! I’m not ing insane! How many times do I have to tell you?”

Tears sprang to my eyes, desperate to reach out a hand to him. He had never sounded like this before, the weight of his voice so sorrowful, miserable. I was terrified that if I pushed him even further, I would break him even more. He was fragile as a flower right then, his hands fisted, his eyes opaque, skin appalled. And I was the one doing this to him, I realised with a pang. I was the one who had made him feel like he was crazy, I was the one who had made him feel this way. And now, it was I who must help him out of this.

“I am only trying to help” I pushed on, gathering my strength again. “I just want to help you, to make you feel better-,”

“I don’t need your ing help” He replied, yet the words didn’t line with the despair in his voice, as if he was driven to the edge of his misery. “The only help I need  right now... is just leaving me be”

With that, without yet another word, Sung Gyu rounded the bed and walked out of the room. The doors slammed, the walls shook and I could only stare after him as he disappeared into the dark. It was evident that he was in so much suffering, so much pain. I didn’t know what was causing it, that frustration, the anger and forgetfulness. Whatever it was, was slowly erasing the man whom I once loved, replacing him with someone that I barely knew. The further I delved into it, the more reasons I was given to leave. It was me, my heart kept telling me. I was the reason. I was the reason why I should leave, that was the only way to end his pain.

♡♡♡

Sung Gyu was serene as a child when he slept. It was heartbreaking to find him the next morning, laying across the beat old sofa seat in his study which was previously laden with dissertation now all abandoned on the floor, his length barely fitting in. It was almost as if last night never even happened, how he broke apart before my eyes and left me crying myself to sleep. I felt a tight knot forming in my throat, the unignorable need to cry again. I had decided to leave him. A decision so resolute that I came to after last night, one that I believed would never change. The longer I stayed with him, the more painful it would be; for him, for me, for our child. It was for the best, no matter how painful that parting would be. If he was unwilling to take medical attention and whatever his state was possibly worsened, the damage would be far worse than it was now. Yulhee and I would leave for this reason, just so we could protect each other, whether our hearts relented or not.

I tucked in Sung Gyu under a blanket, it was the least I could do. I fought the urge to caress his skin, push his hair off his eyes, trace the shape of his lips with my fingertips. I was aching to touch him again, feel his warmth, feel his breath. It was, after all, the man that I had loved for the past twelve years. But this parting would be inevitable as hard as it would be. So I kept the smaller steps ahead. I fought my pain and moved away from him, softly closed the door of his room behind me, wished him well and went to fetch my daughter afterwards.

Woohyun was delighted to hear that he would be meeting Yulhee for the first time. We had talked about this encounter countless times during our secretive meetings and he had excitedly told me all the things he'd love to do together. We could go to Lotte World, he said, to the beach, to the park, and go shopping together. They could watch cartoons together, play games together. I had laughed and found comfort in his high spirits, hopeful that he would love her just as much as Sung Gyu did. Yet there was a heaviness in my heart that I just couldn’t seem to shake away. Woohyun didn’t know Yulhee, it would hit me everytime. Woohyun didn’t know Yulhee for the extraordinary little girl she was. I wasn’t certain if Woohyun could keep up to her pace, get along with her. And there was only one way to find out.

Yulhee, despite her eccentries, was more sociable than both her parents. She spoke freely, laughed loudly and was an overall adorable child. So the moment Yulhee met Woohyun, she didn’t shy away or hide behind my back. Instead she greeted him with a pleasant bow, commented on the garden and straight ahead asked for the cat. Seeing the way that Woohyun easily reacted to all of that, I could already tell that he adored her.

“This is Haru,” Woohyun introduced to her the chubby white and brown spotted cat whom I had met several times loitering in his room. It was the first time I was actually seeing her up close as I wasn’t exactly interested in her before now. Yulhee, like all children her age, loved the cat.

She carefully rubbed Haru’s head and looked up at Woohyun with inquisitive eyes. “Why did you name her that?”

Woohyun set down the cat and laughed. “I don’t really know, maybe because she’s cute?”

Yulhee winced, I probably did so too as he made little sense. “Haru is not cute,” She said.

Woohyun widened his eyes and looked up at me. I quickly jumped into the rescue. Yulhee could be awfully honest like that, sometimes. “Oh, Woohyun-Ssi, she doesn’t really mean that” I turned to my daughter. “Do you, Yulhee?”

I tried to convey the message to her with my eyes, but just like her father she didn’t get the gist of it at the first glance. “The cat is cute but the name Haru is not” She explained. Woohyun hadn’t taken offence, nevertheless, he was only smiling, his eyes shining like stars. He crouched down on the ground before her, arms resting on his knees. The cat started rubbing herself against him.

“If you could name her, what would you call her?” He asked. Yulhee pondered it for a second, resting her hand on her face.

“Sam,” She said after a while. Woohyun raised his brows and glanced at me. “That’s a nice name...but she’s a girl”

“There are girls called Sam too,” Yulhee replied, leaving him no space to argue.

“Then why do we call her that?”

Yulhee shrugged. “Sam, like the unsinkable Sam, the cat who was in three ships that went down in the sea, but she survived!”

A look of confusion crossed Woohyun’s face, and I could only give him a smile. That was the moment I supposed Woohyun realised that my daughter was no ordinary child.

“She’s so smart and so articulate” Woohyun told me in a whisper while we were in the kitchen where Yulhee sat on the floor with Haru or ‘Sam’ as she called her, watching her eat. Woohyun urgently met my eyes. “Are you sure she’s still four?”

“Four and a half” I corrected him, folded my arms on my chest and heaved a deep breath. I had expected that response from him, as it’s what I frequently heard from anyone else who’d meet her for the first time as well. She is so intelligent, she speaks so well, she knows so much, and sometimes even parental judgments like she’s too young to read big books and learn about countries and wars. But Yulhee had her own mind and she learned and absorbed anything she found fascinating.. If one asked what she’d like to be when she grew up, ‘President of South Korea’ she would say with her head held high, and nobody could even begin to disagree. 

“Do you think she would like me?” Woohyun went on, expressing his concerns, “I don’t think I made a very good first impression”

I looked up at him and smiled. It wasn’t easy to impress her. She was blunt and unforgiving. It took a lot of effort to get on her good side. But Woohyun was trying, he was already trying and he genuinely wanted to. I turned to him, laid a hand on his crisp white shirt and met his eyes. “You’re doing good”

This seemed to have made him feel slightly better. There was still worry etched across his eyes. He nodded, nevertheless, and smiled. “I’ll try better”

But it was soon proven it wasn’t going to be enough.