I had never driven so fast in my entire life. It was pouring, the world a complete blur beyond the windshield. Lights and vehicles passed by at the speed of lightning and the road was evidently slippery underneath. But all I had in my mind was Sung Gyu; Sung Gyu standing alone at the airport, Sung Gyu scared and vulnerable, not knowing his way back home. It had never happened before, or it may have but he had never told me. But right now, tonight, he needed me more than anything else, and I knew what had imbalanced my scale. 

Incheon was a long way from where we lived, a couple of hours minimum on a night with no traffic or rain, so I knew I had long hours to spend on the road. I honked and pulled through the traffic, earning angry shouts and breaking more than one law, but I couldn't care less. The driving tickets I would receive the next day were worth it as long as I could see my husband soon.

It was hours before the traffic cleared, and my agitation pushed the car forward at an impossible speed. I may have reached the airport a few minutes earlier than I should have, my road rage recorded on multiple cameras along the way. By the time I reached the airport, the rain had subsided to a slight drizzle, the road ahead much clearer. I craned my head and tried to catch the glimpse of a familiar figure in the blurry crowd over the line of cars ahead. But it was impossible. The cars weren’t moving an inch. Therefore I pulled out of the line, ignoring the yell and the swinging red lights of an airport guard, then swerved my car towards the parking lot. I pulled into the very first slot I found, grabbed my jacket and climbed out into the drizzling rain.

If I saw myself through a third eye, at that moment, I was certain I would appear a mad woman. Running through the rain for the love of your life was the most cliche thing that one could do, but at that moment, I wasn’t able to have a coherent, sensible thought. All I had in my mind was Sung Gyu. Sung Gyu, Sung Gyu, Sung Gyu. Sung Gyu needed me right now, and I needed him more.

I crossed through the parking lot and down to the entrance of the arrivals. The line of cars hadn't moved, and passengers were pouring out, reaching for taxis, their loved ones in vehicles or crossing the way to the buses. Through the mess of jacketed figures, I searched for a face I knew. My ankles were killing me as if they were about to give away, so I stopped for a second, took off my sandals and walked the rest on bare feet.

A few minutes, and in a distant, I finally saw him. That sight wouldn’t have missed my eyes. My husband, the love of my life, lost in the crowd yet standing out, seated on a bench watching as the world passed by -searching for me. I ran the distance until I couldn’t run anymore, halted a few feet away and pleaded for him to find me. His eyes were scanning everyone that passed, hands pulled together, bags by his feet, an unreadable expression on his face. I sang a little prayer in my mind. ‘See me, look at me, look to your right, oppa, I’m here…

And soon, he did. He looked to his right, and his eyes fell upon me. He clocked in the sight of me, registered my presence, and soon a small smile crossed his lips. Found you.

He climbed up on his feet and I crossed the distance as close as I could get. For a moment, we stood there facing each other, contemplating, questioning our hearts. There was no doubt in mine anymore. No question of what I wanted, what choice I should make. The path was going to be dodgy from this point; uncertain, unimaginable, but it was the path that I chose to take.

It was Sung Gyu who moved first, closing the distance, dragging his bags behind him. He grew closer and closer until I could see the sheen of moisture in his eyes, that gentle, uncertain smile. I gazed up at him, and found the lost pieces of my heart. He scanned my face, my hands, my wettened bare feet. 

“Eunji-ah” He muttered and met my eyes. “You’re here”

I dropped my sandals on the ground by my feet and threw my hands around his neck. He was unhesitant when he leaned lower to hug me back. It was the same strong hold, the same warm embrace. I buried my face in his jacket, breathed in the familiar scent of him and closed my eyes, holding back the cries struggling to break through me. His hand curled up against me, his hair brushed my neck. He lifted me off my feet and I placed my bare feet on the leather of his shoes. For that moment, it felt unreal. That warmth, that scent, that sense of familiarity; everything that I have known all my life, everything that was mine, that was ours. I was home again.

“I’ve got you” I whispered as I moved away. “Let me take you home”

The drive back from the airport was quiet. It wasn’t as rushed and mindless as it had been as I drove there, hence, it took us much longer. It had started to rain again, and the city lights passed by at a languid pace. The entire drive, Sung Gyu gazed out the shutter at the blinking lights, at the raindrops that raced each other, his hands clenched, lost in his world. 

We haven’t talked about it yet, the reason behind our week apart and what was expected afterwards. Although it was clear for me what I would choose to do, I was still uncertain what Sung Gyu would want. He was not a man like that, not even before our marriage, nor after. There were several men in my life whom we had talked casually about, enough women in his life too so it never really mattered. But we had only each other after we got married until I had broken that chain. Now I simply did not know anymore. Would Sung Gyu still accept a woman who had slept with a man while married to him? Would he accept a woman who was a lying infidel? I was yet to ask him, and I did not know how I possibly could.

And on the other hand I had Woohyun, Woohyun to whom I had no idea what to say.

Sung Gyu must have had an exhausting trip that somewhere along the congested road, he fell asleep. He was quiet and serene, leaning against the door, his head resting on his hand as lights formed ripples of colors on his skin. I reached out and lowered the seat for him, at which point he woke up and watched me groggily before he drifted off again. My heart warmed up. He was like Yulhee at that moment. I pulled off his spectacles, carefully placed it on the dashboard and let him sleep away.

It was hours until we pulled into the basement of our apartment building. Sung Gyu woke up with a startle by the echo of the parking lot, and soon came to. I climbed out, took his bags from the trunk, and he stepped out too after a moment and watched me blankly as if he was unsure where he stood.

Or probably, he did not remember, I thought, my skin running cold.

I was proven wrong, however, when he pressed the right floor on the elevator and took his bags from me. We still spoke not a word until we had come to our floor. As we stepped out, Sung Gyu asked me in a deep, gruff voice; “Yulhee?”

“At mum’s”

Sung Gyu nodded, and we were soon back home. 

The flat was exactly as I left it. Dark and quiet, empty. The city below lightened up the vast confines and Sung Gyu walked in before me, his bags in tow. I stood at the foot of the door, frozen to the spot, our last conversation ringing in my mind. That was it, then. Whether I had decided to leave or stay, Sung Gyu would have made up his mind. 

I stared after his long figure as he crossed the length of our hallway, my heart pounding in my throat. It was now, right now. There was no never. 

“Oppa” I called out.

Sung Gyu stopped, his hand grasping the handle of his bag but he didn’t turn to me. I braved myself, stepped inside. 

“I did what you wanted me to do” I told him, my voice echoing in the quiet of the hall. “I thought about it, for the entire week. I thought about nothing else. Now I know what I want to do”

Sung Gyu moved the slightest, I thought, for I could see the outline of his face from the side, his thoughtful posture, head hung low. I took a deep breath, and-

“Oppa, I decided to stay. I decided to stay with you…”

There was silence. I fidgeted with my hands, him frozen to the spot. My heart fell, realising that it was a lost cause, that he had probably already made up his mind during our week away, between the complete silence and ignored phone calls. I let out a sigh, the balloon in my chest deflated. “I mean,” I muttered, intending to save the situation. “I made mistakes, things that I could never forgive myself for, so I would understand. Oppa, if you have already decided to… then-then we probably should-”

Everything happened so fast. Sung Gyu abandoned his bags and soon crossed the hallway towards me. He said not a word, but his eyes were set on mine. He was before me, I was right in his arms. He captured my face in both his warm hands, gaze long into mine with his inquisitive eyes before he fluttered them close. He leaned in and as I held my breath, he kissed me soft and long on my lips.

If something happened once, they say it was a coincidence. But if it happened on and on so many times, then it becomes destiny. That was what it was for me. From the moment I saw Kim Sung Gyu across a hall, his words imprinted in my mind, his smile a glimmering diamond in my heart. For the past twelve years I had spent with him, I had fallen in love with him over and over again. He didn’t have to do anything glamorous to make me love him; no rings, no flowers, no compliments. He only had to look me in the eyes when I returned after a tiring day of work and remind me that I was home. He was my home, although I hadn't known it all this time. He was my home. And it burned into my skin and tattooed onto my heart as he held me and kissed me; warmly, tenderly, lovingly. My scale had so much as imbalanced but toppled over by now, all that weight fallen onto one end. It was clear as crystal by then. I had found all the right reasons to stay.

Sung Gyu pulled away from me and laid his forehead against mine, his arms around me, his scent in my breath. I had my eyes closed, but the warm moisture beneath my fingers as they held his face seemed to tell everything, everything that he had kept unsaid. I caressed his cheeks, peppered his lips with small, butterfly kisses and took his hand in mine. Home. I thought, feeling the way our fingers entwined and fit just right. He was my home. 

It was after so many months that we made love that night. Rain was pattering quietly, running down the window screens as light seeped through the parted blinds. Laying on the bed where he hadn’t so much as let our hands touch for a very long time, Sung Gyu held me in his strong arms and traced my skin with his lips. We hadn’t said a word, not for a while. Not as we made love, not as we found the lost pieces within ourselves. We spent the entire night mending the broken strings of our hearts until they were all good as new. Later that night, he held me, his hand on my waist, another in my hair, the even beating of his heart beneath me as I laid on him.

“Do you love me?” I dared to ask him, although that was what he’d proven to me that entire night. I lifted my head, he gazed into my eyes. He didn’t have to say it in words, but he did.

“I do”

I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes. “Do you hate me?”

A moment, and I felt his hand ascend up my back, rubbing my skin. “I never did…” He replied, softly. “I never will”

Then he moved and kissed me long on the crown of my head.

I recalled all the fights, all the accusations, the hard, impenetrable cold in his eyes. And then the pain, the vulnerability. Sometimes he was the man I knew, sometimes he wasn’t.

I didn’t say anything else after that, nor did he. There may be so much left unsaid, so much to resolve, so much to talk about. But tonight wasn’t the night. It was for tears and reconciliations, and we did just that.

I woke up to the bright morning sun seeping in through the blinds, and for the first time in months, to Sung Gyu’s arms around my waist. It was bliss, it was unreal, it was like a dream. Sung Gyu slept soundly beside me, his breath even, his lashes resting delicately beneath his eyes. I traced the shape of his lips, chapped by the cold, the faint greenish shadow on his chin, feeling the roughness on my fingertips. His eyes fluttered open; narrowed by sleep and the warmth of the sun, but they found me; easily, effortlessly, like they always would.

We gazed at each other for the longest time, and I prayed that time wouldn’t pass. Sung Gyu reached for my hand, glanced down at it then back at me.

“Would you do something for me, Eunji?” He asked me quietly, and I nodded in return.

Anything. I wanted to tell him. Anything at all.

“Come to the hospital with me”

Something raised in my heart, and then fell hard like high tides in the sea. His fingers slid through mine, and I held him tight, against my chest, where my heart lied, a quiet promise to keep.

♡♡♡

We went to a psychiatrist first. We weren’t certain what exactly it was; stress induced amnesia, depression, whatever it may be. The doctor asked him questions, then she asked me questions, all related to Sung Gyu’s previous behavior. She took a long look at Sung Gyu and said with a face unreadable; 

“I believe it's not entirely psychological” 

And fear filled my heart.

We were asked to see a neurologist then, whom we went to see together. There were more questions; from Sung Gyu, from me, from the both of us, followed by what the doctor explained to us as cognitive tests. Sung Gyu was asked to follow patterns of different images, answer different, and somewhat strange questions that felt like fifth grade memory games. And the usually sharp, meticulous and attentive Sung Gyu failed in most of them. Later, the doctor called us both to his room, a dull, sombre look in his eyes. He said it then, as Sung Gyu and I held our hands in a quiet, wordless vow.

“Early onset Alzheimer’s”

Early onset Alzheimer’s

The words echoed and repeated in my mind like a broken record. I didn’t know how long I stared at the doctor or how hard I squeezed Sung Gyu’s hand. For a moment I was floating, the words registering in my mind yet making no sense. I knew little to nothing about the disease, only except that-,

“He is forgetting things” I found myself telling the doctor, my words coming out mindlessly as Sung Gyu remained quiet and intact. “Is that what it is, doctor? Is he-is he going to forget things?”

I could live with that. I realised despite the gnawing fear in my chest. I could live with that even if Sung Gyu forgot everything in his world, and I would-

“It is a rare cognitive disease” The doctor quietly explained to me. “And Sung Gyu’s-Ssi’s current symptoms link to the disease, still in the early stages…”

There was a whole lot of medical jargon that I could hardly follow, words flying right over my head. My eyes were blurry, mind in a whirlwind. All I wanted was to take his hand and run back in time, start all over where none of this happened and none of this mattered, where I could love him freely, where he could remember each touch, each kiss, each whispered word. But still I sat in that deplorable reality, listening to a doctor telling me that my husband was slowly losing all the memories he had of me. 

“As you might know, Alzheimer's is incurable” The doctor was saying, his words distant and muffled as if I was listening from under water. “But given that you were diagnosed relatively early as well as your age, we could go for treatments to slower the progression and expect a longer prognosis and a good quality life”

The point of his age struck me immediately. Sung Gyu was still young and pretty healthy; he kept to a good diet and was not someone who lessened his sleep or had a big alcohol or nicotine intake; then how could he-?

“It's rare” The doctor agreed when I pointed it out to him, making it sound even more ridiculous. “But we can’t say it's impossible. Although it's more common in senior patients, Alzheimer’s disease does appear in patients in the ages as early as forties and even thirties,” He gestured at Sung Gyu. “Like, in your husband’s case, at the age of thirty eight”

“But how?”

The doctor gave me a tight lipped smile. “In most cases, family history comes into play,” He looked over at Sung Gyu. “Is there anyone in your family who knowingly had this disease?”

Sung Gyu was quiet, contemplative as I stared at him, my hands clenched in prayers.

“My father,” He finally replied. His voice thick, sorrowful. “My father died of Alzheimer’s disease”

Cold crept through my skin. I did know that his entire family passed due to different illnesses, but I only knew that his mother was taken by cancer, never a word about the rest. 

“That’s the only cause that we could determine” Said the doctor as he typed something out on the screen. “There is no direct cause to that, nor is there a cure. But with right medication and proper treatments, we can ensure a long and quality life, Sung Gyu-Ssi...but we may have to-,”

The appointment took so long to end although all I wanted was to run away. Yet I listened to him, I listened the best I could. I listened to what I was to expect next, what I was to be prepared for. I listened to him talking about therapy and psychological support, patient caring, possible changes to be made in our lifestyle. As I listened, I realised how our lives would need to be adjusted and changed overnight. 

Sung Gyu would not be able to continue in his career as a scholar and consultant, given that it required completely his knowledge and remembrance, therefore, he would have to look into a career that would put less strain to his fading mind. With Sung Gyu’s high-earning career coming to a halt, our expenses were going to rise sky high. There would be all the spendings that we require for his therapy and medication, and at some point, according to what the doctor had said, an additional caretaker. He was to document everything he remembered and were required to be documented; legal and financial details, information related to his job, his wealth, and -while it shattered my heart- anything for his wife and his child. After hours of planning and discussion, with a date set for the start of his formal treatments, we finally left the hospital into the dark of the oncoming dusk. That day, we had spent the longest hours of our lives.