On our way back, we couldn’t bear quietness; quietness meant thinking, long, hard, wistful thoughts that would echoe, scream and cry until our hearts ripped. So we filled that silence and we talked. Sung Gyu talked to me about his trip like he usually did after his missions abroad. He told me about the people he’d met, what he’d done, but all in tumbling words, bits and pieces as he remembered while he also drifted away. It wasn’t hard for him to keep a normal conversation, nor was it easy. Sung Gyu worked entirely with his brain, his memory and his mind. It was the machine that drove him, made him him. And if they were all to fade away from him…

I tried not to think about them, focusing on the road, listening to his flow of words, responding, asking questions. Then he asked about my time, and my heart fell, split into pieces. I had spent the seven days longing for his return, but I had also gone into the comfort of my lover's arms. The surge of regret and hatred towards myself was unimaginable. Sung Gyu would never do that to me. He had been on numerous trips to different countries where he must have met and worked with beautiful women, but from the day we’d met, he only had his eyes on me. I had done that, I had betrayed him. I couldn’t say a word of myself without feeling that intense urge to hurt myself for hurting him. I told him of Yulhee instead, the way she had missed him, how she had waited for his calls, how she slept in his space in the bed, hugging his pillows, imagining it was him. It didn’t help that we talked about her, for the distantness returned to his eyes, and I could tell he was thinking about her and all the possibilities that lied ahead.

Yet, he didn’t urge to pick her up on the way. We had told mum we would be a while and if we were picking her up, we would tell her. We didn’t tell her, for we had so much more to talk about. We couldn’t possibly throw that under the rug and pretend it never happened like we’d done with most of our fights. Unlike them, this was going to stay with us. It’s going to stay with us for the rest of our lives.

Once we returned home, Sung Gyu retreated to his shell. He was sombre and quiet, possibly millions of thoughts flooding his mind. He retreated to our bedroom and sat down on the bed. I asked him if he liked a warm drink or anything to eat, but he shook his head. “Tired,” he vaguely replied, not moving an inch. “I think I would just sleep”

All the talking was put on hold for the moment; perhaps we both needed that. I closed the door behind me, just leaving it ajar in case he needed me and left him to his bearings so I could hide away.

And hide away I did, in my own study, behind the table against the hazy twilight sweeping in through the fanlight. I hid away and I buried my face in my hands and cried. Crying was all I could do for the longest time, that pain and anger and hatred towards me, the fear of uncertainty and thousand possibilities. The same voice that had reminded me every bit that Sung Gyu had loved now kept on telling me, he was going to forget. He was going to forget me, our daughter, the life we’d built together, and there was nothing I could do but stand with him as his world faded away. I was going to be his primary caretaker, filling in for every part he would lose. I would remind him every day that it was him I chose, it was I that he chose; that we chose each other to love. I would remind him how much Yulhee and mum loved him, how he was the world to them, how incredible a man he was. It would never be enough, I knew. Nothing I could do or say would change anything about what our lives were going to be.

After I had cried all the tears I had left, I busied myself with everything else. I made dinner and I cleaned Yulhee’s room. I put out the trash, washed dishes, set the table, turned all the lights on until the entire house was brilliant and bright. I washed my tear stained face in Yulhee’s bathroom and pulled a smile onto my face. Then I slowly crept to our bedroom in hopes of waking Sung Gyu up for dinner so we could have yet another impromptu date night. But he wasn’t asleep. He was fully awake, exactly where I had left him, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at a darkened corner of the room.

My heart fell through the floor.

“Oppa?” I called him quietly and crept into the room. He looked up, sensing my presence and gave me a ghost of a smile.

“I thought you went to sleep?” I asked him as I slid into the bed beside him. He shook his head. I slipped my hand in his and he threaded his fingers through mine.

“Can’t sleep,” He replied with a sharp breath. We sat quietly for a while, my head resting on his shoulder, listening to his even breath. I was desperate to know what he was thinking, what was in his mind. There was nothing I could read from the dimmed light in his eyes.

“Eunji-ah” He called me after a while, and I hummed in response. A moment, and-

“Divorce me” He replied.

A sharp pain coursed through me, and my mind shot right back to the last conversation we had before he left. I sat up and moved away from him. He looked at me, and the look in his eyes, that sorrow, that misery, drove a spike right through my heart. 

“Divorce me, Eunji, leave me” He went on.

I opened my mouth, but there was nothing I could say. Nothing but calling for him. “Oppa…”

He smiled sadly and looked down at our entwined hands. “It's not going to be the same afterwards. It will get tough, it will get messy, and I don’t want to hold you down, Eunji. Leave me and have a better life without me…”

I gripped his hand, tight. “Why? Why are you asking me this?”

A quiet, thoughtful moment passed. “My dad died of Alzheimer’s…” he finally continued. “I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I remember that time, what became of him, everything that my grandparents had to go through….”

“Oppa…”

He took a sharp breath, his head lowered. “You don’t have to go through that, I don’t want you to. If I ever want to have a last will before I forget everything, Eunji, that would be it”

Last will. The words ripped through my heart until it bled. How could he?

“No” I told him after I had gathered all the strength that I had left. “I won’t leave you, I would never. And If I could have a last will, that would be mine”

He stared at me, his eyes distant and opaque. I reached out and turned his face to me, my hand on his cheek. “Listen,” I started in a shaky voice. “I made mistakes, mistakes that I could never forgive myself for. And that gave me the kind of pain I deserve and the realization that I could never bear a life without you…” I moved forward caressing his cheek. “There’s no life without you, oppa. I’m here to stay”

Sung Gyu lifted a hand and gently pried mine off his face. 

“This sickness is going to eat your life away” He replied, his voice slowly growing inpatient.  “When it progresses, when it gets worse…” A deep sigh. “Just leave me,” He continued. “Just leave me, marry the other man, have more children, live your life. You’re still young, don't waste it on a mentally crippled man like me”

“you’re not mentally crippled” I pleaded.

“But I will be…” A grim reminder, his gaze strong, unwavering. “Go to him, Eunji, don’t waste your life on me”

With every word he said, sharp thorns were impaling me, one after another.

”But that won’t be you,” I tried again, the stark realisation that had hit me on that fateful seventh day night. “That won’t be you”

“You do realise that I won’t be me in a couple of months, right?”

He was tired now. Angry, impatient.

“But there’s time” I went on, his hand now in both of mine. “They said they could slow the progression and increase the quality of your life, right? If we follow through the medication and treatments correctly, you can still have a good life, oppa, a good life with me”

Sung Gyu looked away from me, his dark eyes glistening. His hand was holding mine so tight, although it seemed to have entirely left his mind.

“This is why I didn’t want this” he said in the end.

A second of silence passed as the words registered in my mind. Things he’d previously said echoed in my head. ‘Knowing what it is would solidify things...it’s easier this way...The longer I don't know the truth, the better…’

And it hit me.

“Oppa…” I started slowly, holding his hand. “You...you already knew what it was, didn’t you?”

If his father had it, and if he was fourteen when he passed, Sung Gyu would have seen all the horrors with his own eyes.

He nodded, a slow, quiet admission, “I had a suspicion” He took a tearful, sharp breath. “If you had seen him, my dad. If you saw and went through the things that I did, you wouldn’t want Yulhee to have the same life” 

I stared at him, stricken, unable to say a word.

“I had to grow up with it, seeing him like that all my life. My father couldn’t remember me. He couldn’t work, he couldn’t say anything sensible and towards the end, nothing at all….he refused to bathe, sat in his bed, stinking and dirtying himself, rotting away…” He lifted his head and looked at me. “That would be me in a few years. I don’t want Yulhee to live that, I don’t want you to live that. There are places for people like me to be. They treat them and take care of them while families could live ordinary lives-,”

“And you think I’ll be happier like that?” I found myself asking him. “Six years of marriage, twelve years of being together, do you think I’ll be happier if I abandoned you like that?”

“You won’t be abandoning me-”

“That’s exactly what it is, oppa, don’t tell me otherwise”

Sung Gyu said not a word as if he had understood me, or he had simply given up trying. I stood up and cupped his face in both my hands. Then I reached down and kissed him softly on the corner of his lips, coming to a resolve. 

“Forget me, I will remember for you. Forget Yulhee, and she’d remind you every day how amazing a father you had been for her. Forget everything, oppa, turn into a complete mess; but I will never leave you, because you’re mine to love and always will be”

His eyes glimmered as he stared up at me, quiet as he called my name and tried to contradict me again. But I held on, I persevered, because I had chosen this life. If it wasn’t him, there would be no other man that I would love this way, and I knew. He needed me now more than anything else, and I needed him too, to go through this trouble as partners, as a family. It would be tough, deplorable, challenging. But I had chosen him to live the rest of my life with, and there was nobody else that could possibly fill that space but him. 

He buried his face in my waist and I held him as he quietly cried. I couldn’t tell what was in his mind at that time, as I ran my hands through his soft dark waves, as his hands clenched on my back. Yet I knew I had to stay strong for him and let him fall apart in my arms. As much as my heart was hurting, he needed this more than I did. For that one moment, I held back my tears, I kissed him softly on his hair and promised to hold him like this for the rest of our lives.

When I kissed him after that, when he kissed me, so much had changed. We had started kissing as if it would be the last kiss we’d remember, he touched me like he’s painting an image of me in his fading mind. He made love to me, savoring each moment as if it was going to be our last, and as we lay in bed into the long hours of the night, I realised, it was how our lives were going to be.

I was the one to break the news to my mum the very same night. She came over, bringing Yulhee along with her who was delighted to see her father again. After the two of them disappeared into his room, I told mum everything of his illness, not a detail amiss, and hopelessly stared at her as she broke apart. ‘Poor Sung Gyu, my poor boy’ She kept on chanting into her trembling hands and her damp handkerchief, yet promised to stay with me throughout the harrowing journey ahead. We tried to come to peace with the fact that we would lose him at some point; five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now, and we promised between ourselves to make sure that would be the best time of his life. She kept her usual cheerful self as we all had dinner together and offered to stay the night so she could accompany me, giving me the comfort that I needed. It was where she would be in the years to come as our lives got tougher and completely changed.

After long discussions with Sung Gyu and his medical consultants, we decided to break the news to little Yulhee as well. We couldn’t wait until Sung Gyu’s mind started fading in chunks without her knowing anything at all. So one day in the late autumn, we went out on a picnic, had lunch, chatted and played around. Sung Gyu pulled her into his arms at some point, sat her on his lap and told her, his face straight and grave. “I’m sick, Yulhee. I’m very, very sick”

She didn’t understand it in the beginning. And then she didn’t believe it. She grabbed his hand and insisted that we went to the hospital. Sung Gyu cradled her in his arms, and quietly, patiently, he explained to her the process in his brain, the sickness, the progression, what it was going to do to him, what she would need to know, all in a language and precision that she would understand like he taught her of countries and flags. In the end, she gave in and curled up in Sung Gyu’s arms.

“Appa can’t forget me,” Yulhee muttered, a handful of his shirt in her tiny fists. “Appa can’t forget anything” She sat up and looked into her father’s tear stained face. “If appa forgets everything, who is going to tell the president not to go to war again?”

Sung Gyu smiled through his tears and hugged her, his hand cradling her small head, fingers caressing her hair. “You would, Yulhee. You would grow up and become the president. You would stop the war”

As I sat under the dull sky of the autumn, staring at my husband and my child, crying quietly into their arms, I tried to paint that image into my mind to keep with me forever, for I would never know when would be the last.

♡♡♡

Our lives changed drastically since then. Sung Gyu had to go into a slow transition, changing the perks of his job to an amount that he could handle and we talked about the prospects of moving to a smaller house. Missus Lee who was heartbroken by the news offered to become a full time housekeeper and even a full time caregiver if she had to, and I too decided that it was time I moved on.

On the day that I stepped into his office for the very last time and handed in my resignation, Nam Woohyun looked at me with spite in his eyes. I hadn’t seen much of him after his ambiguous proposal that fell through, and ever since Sung Gyu’s diagnosis, I was on sick leave until I decided to resign. There was no possibility of me working alongside my ex-lover, remembering and remorsing the gravest mistake of my life. It was the most sensible way.

He accepted it, nonetheless, and asked me how things were; not in the way that he would have asked as Nam Woohyun-my lover, but simply as Nam Woohyun the chief editor. I told him  the truth. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. 

“Alzheimer’s disease?” Woohyun echoed, repeating the words as if it was an alien concept. “But he’s still young, isn’t he?”

I nodded  thickly, staring at the ground. “Early onset, coming from the family”

“It means he might be passing it to his children too” 

We already knew this as well, and prayed to god it hasn’t gone on to our only child. I said nothing, nor did Woohyun for a long time.

“And you’re alright with that?” He asked me. I lifted my head.

“He’s my husband”

“Yes, but he soon wouldn’t be” He went on, slowly transitioning into Nam Woohyun-the ex lover. “You know what would happen, right? He would wouldn’t remember how to do the most basic things let alone remember Yulhee or you”

I held my head high. “I know that very well”

He blinked as if I was going out of my mind. “Eunji, it’s not going to be easy, it’s going to take away your whole life”

“It’s my life, and I chose to spend it with him”

“And Yulhee?” he echoed incredulously. “She’s only four, she’s still a baby! You’re going to let this happen to her?”

“It’s her father”

Woohyun stared at me across the room. “You don’t seem to understand anything” He said eventually, rounded the table and approached me. “Eunji, when you could have had a better life, you’re throwing all that away to care for a sick man, when your daughter could be given the best, she’s going to have a father who wouldn’t even remember her!”

I took back a cautious step, my blood boiling. “What are you trying to say?”

Woohyun lifted his hands, and then let them fall slack on his sides. “Come back to me” He replied, answering my suspicions. “Whatever happened, my heart never left you, and I would always be ready to have you again”

It was only then that I started seeing Nam Woohyun for who he truly was. “Are you asking me to leave my terminally ill husband for you, Nam Woohyun-Ssi?”

He stared at me helplessly. “Don’t take it like that,” He pleaded. “I’m just offering you a better life”

“I’ll take it as exactly how it is” I spat back, regretting every living moment I had spent on the likes of him. I made it to leave the room, to go to my cubicle and gather my things, to talk to Hyejoo, to cry into her arms. But him calling my name stopped me. A thought appeared in my mind.

“Woohyun-Ssi” I called back and turned to him. “If it was me, what would you do?”

It took a second for the question to sink into him, and I explained again. “If it was me who’s terminally ill, Woohyun-Ssi, what would you do?”

Woohyun remained silent, a questionable look on his face. He gazed at me, his eyes cold, distant, suddenly undesirable, and I knew.

“I thought so” I said into his silence, and walked out, leaving my shameful past behind.

Saying goodbye to Hyejoo and this part of my life wasn’t easy. She cried for hours and we ate both the best bibimbap and the best fried rice while making plans and promises which we didn’t even know we could keep. I walked out of the Seobuk commercial towers for one last time, carrying the three years of my life there in a cardboard box, and the framed photograph of my precious little family caught the shine of the descending sun and smiled at me.

I returned home where it looked like nothing about my life had changed. Yulhee was in front of the TV with Sung Gyu watching the news, Missus Lee in the kitchen cooking away. Sung Gyu looked up at me across the hall, a massive smile on his lips. “Eunji-ah, you’re home” He said like he had done so many times, like I would never know how many times he would. We watched the news together over a shared dinner, the three of us, and like we’d recently started, we put Yulhee to bed together. Afterwards, Sung Gyu muttered silently to my hair that he had some work to catch up on, kissed my head and disappeared into his room, his dressing gown’s undone straps gliding across the floor. With a lighter heart, I went into our bedroom, sat on the bed and thought about life for a very long time.

It was during these long ponderings that I saw it. A neatly folded yellow paper which I easily recognised. It was ripped off Sung Gyu’s notepad. 

My heart thudded as I crossed the room towards the dressing table and picked it up, the crisp paper crackling beneath my touch. Sung Gyu never said he loved me openly in words, but letters were something I was used to. It wasn’t the first time.

I returned to our bed, sat down, unknowing what to expect. I opened it and scanned the letter, word to word, his messy handwriting, familiar mismatched and blotched ink, criss-crossed letters and words scribbled out. When his deep, sincere thoughts dug deeper and deeper into my mind, I broke apart. It was through bleary eyes that I continued to read, the words echoing in my mind in his voice; soft, rhythmic, pacifying. He caressed my heart, folded me in a warm embrace and never gave me promises that he couldn’t keep. I had chosen to love him, and I had done so for a reason. I had chosen to love him for it was never simple, it was never easy, but it was all I wanted to do.

Later on, I left the letter laying in the dark of our room and crept outside. The house had drowned into a comfortable silence after all the chatter and laughter had died. The door to Sung Gyu’s study was ajar, dull yellow light seeping out. I pushed it open, afraid -for a second- that he was gone, then relieved beyond belief to find him there. Sung Gyu sat proud and golden in the backdrop of the city beyond, his glasses slipping down, eyes concentrated on his hands as they meticulously worked away. Those were the same hands that had crossed over the podium and I had thought were beautiful. Those were the same eyes that had caught mine across the hall and smiled. Sung Gyu was still Sung Gyu, in his silken pajama, undone dressing gown, messy hair and glowing eyes. And my love for him had never changed.

I crossed the length of his room until he realised I was standing there. Then he moved back from his table, slid off his glasses, put his pen away and made space for me. I said nothing as I quietly slipped through, cupped his face in both my hands and kissed him. He kissed me back, his hands snaking around me, holding me close, and once we’d parted, he let me nestle myself in his lap. We sat there for so long; quiet and contemplative, my head resting on his shoulder, his fingers in my hair. 

And I knew what was in his mind. Looking at all the papers strewn before me, I could tell he was planning our lives ahead, Yulhee’s and mine. He was doing what he wouldn’t be able to do in a few months’ time. I closed my eyes and buried my face in his neck, breathed in his scent, listened to his gentle, even pulse and focused on now. Right now, where I still had him, he still had me, constant as the stars.

Life worked in the strangest ways. When I had first met him, not a sign did I have of how our lives would intervene. With every word shared, every look, every touch, every kiss, we’d built an entire world together. Sung Gyu had given me reasons everyday. Reasons to love him, reasons to choose him, reasons to spend the rest of my life with him but with nothing so much as a word. His love was there in all of them; in every threadbare of the scarves I’d received, in the glinting lights of the stones, in the way he held my hand, looked in my eyes and called my name. As time passed, he would no longer remember me. He would no longer remember our child, our time, our love. He would no longer look at me across the room and call me, he would no longer hold the little hand of our child and enthrall her of all the marvels that the universe held. When that time would come, I had to remember everything that he would forget. I had to keep the memories of us alive when he wasn’t able to. I wouldn’t need more conviction than that. I realised at that point that I had spent my entire life waiting for reasons to stay. And now, I knew, the reason I stayed was him.

Dearest Jung Eunji,

At the time that you find this letter, I will still remember you. I would remember every part of you, every part I had loved, still love and will always love as long as I could. But the world has become so cruel to us in a way that it would eventually take away every memory of you from me, no matter how much I would try to hold them back. So let me tell you everything, before I forget.

I love you. This is where I want to start. Even if I forgot your name, your voice, the feel of your touch, even if I would see you across the room and wouldn’t recognise your smile, I would still love you with all my heart. It pains me so much that our lives took this turn, and I’m so sorry, deeply, sincerely, for everything that you will have to endure. But I haven’t seen more strength in a woman before I met you. So I trust you will persevere. Regardless, if you ever wanted to give up, please do. Your suffering and pain hurts me more than forgetting you, it was never in the plan, so leave me when you feel you should.

But the Eunji I know wouldn’t give up like that; what made me the proudest and now what I fear the most. So if you, and when you choose to persevere, there would be a few things that you’d need to know. 

I had planned out the finances for you. There’s the wealth I had collected over the years that I had worked, put away for different needs. There’s money to fund Yulhee’s education, and money that I had thought would be for our retirement. If I wouldn’t live so long, it would be for you. There will be no reason to move houses as I had paid the remaining lease. Now, the house is yours. The rest of my wealth, everything I had inherited from my family would be passed onto you and Yulhee. My lawyer would know it all in exact detail if you ever need to inquire. Whatever happened to any of them; the lands, the money, that would be yours to decide. If you ever decide to find love and get married again, please do use the money that I had left for you. Remember, Eunji, your happiness is also mine, always. 

Teach Yulhee when I no longer could. Let her remember that knowledge is the greatest wealth she could ever have, and that she was gifted with just that when she was born. A little girl like her must live for her big dreams. When I could no longer carry them and support them, Eunji, please do that for her. She has sense and potential like no other, and what she needs is that motivation to climb to greater heights. I had dreamt of the days when I would witness them myself, and it breaks my heart, unbearably, that I probably wouldn’t live to see that day, and even if I did, I wouldn’t remember. Please let her know that she must live her life to the fullest and achieve her dreams; not for me, not for you but for herself. And tell her that she would always be my pride, my joy and my greatest achievement. Tell her that I always loved her with the entirety of my heart.

There won’t be much I would remember to tell her as my illness progresses, so I had done what I could do. Saved in my drive would be a folder entirely dedicated to her. They are documented to fit her age, things I would have wished to tell her as she grew and would have no liberty to do so. Let her see them one by one and let her feel that her father was there with her every step of the way even after I was gone. I dread the day that I would be. But until then, I hope these little scraps of memories will suffice.

And lastly, Eunji, the years that I had spent with you were the best years of my life. Before you, I had seen no prospect of happiness but only loss and pain; loss of my parents and grandparents alike, the time spent in the blue helmets witnessing the horrors that war held. I had thought there would only be loss and suffering for me, but that was only until I met you. You made my life brighter, you made me happier than anyone had ever made. Despite everything that happened, I would choose you and choose to love you time and time again. I wish I could love you for even longer. But my darling, god is so cruel to write this fate for you and me. 

Live well, live happy, and live long; that would be the greatest honor that you could give me.

With love,

♡ Fin ♡

Author's Note

It's been a while since I last published anything, so I hope you're all well in these unprecedented times.

Its valentine's day, and while I did not manage to write anything new dedicated for this day, I decided to give this a try. It was with so much reservation that I decided to publish this story online. For one, I worked hard on this one, and it was an emotional ride for me as I had never brought a character closer to death in the way that i have done in this. On the other hand, I find this story to be the best of my work so far. The love I have for it is immesurable, and I hope this will be a worthy attempt, and I hope you'd love this too.

With that, I hope I will come back again. But that would be a while. Until then, lets all love and support our favorite people like we do now.

With love,

Achini