Falling in love is supposed to be a wondrous thing, but for Ji Hye, it felt like bracing herself before getting hit by a truck.

How could she not, when her one and only experience with love ended up with her on the side of the road, bleeding and left to die?

She learned her lesson all too well, or so she thought, she scoffed, angrily wiping the hot splashes of tears that streaked down her cheeks.

Don’t ever, ever fall for a straight girl.

She held onto that mantra for years, yet Jung Woo’s warmth seeped through the battle-scarred lining of her soul, and a part of her that was so carefully hidden, long-dormant, suddenly started to pulse to the cadence of her name.

If only she could choose….

Ji Hye chuckled through her tears as her feet brought her farther and farther away from the blaring music and blinding lights. Choosing would only mean something when she actually has a choice, but falling for Shin Jung Woo was not a choice that she could make. Not falling for her is like trying to fight gravity.

Impossible.

So she falls and falls and can’t stop falling with every smile, every laughter, and every little thing that she discovers. A bittersweet smile briefly touched her lips, she would gladly spend the rest of her life uncovering every facet of Shin Jung Woo if only she let her.

She nearly tripped on her feet when a particularly harsh wind nearly knocked her out. She shivered, goosebumps erupted all over her body as she let out a hard sneeze. Sniffling, she groaned when she realized that in her haste to put some distance between herself and her shattered fantasy, she basically left all her belongings – her jackets and wallet – leaving only her phone.

“Great,” she muttered under her breath and kicked an innocent pebble out of spite, imagining that it was the head of whoever is the scriptwriter responsible for her life right now. 

At a time like this, she really wanted to have a one-on-one talk with the guardian of the Universe, so she could ask them ‘why?’

Why bestow upon her the sweet serendipity that led her to that one person that would become the center of her universe, only to make her unattainable? Or worse, why make her still within reach? why make them grow close to each other when she never would be hers?

She jumped onto the first bus that she saw; anything that would get her as far away from there and gave her a respite from the harsh early winter wind.

Choosing the window seat in the back row, she sat down and closed her eyes shut, Jung Woo’s parting words once again reverberated in her brain.

*Be my date tonight.*

She dreamt about it, those words, spilling out from Jung Woo’s smiling face. In her dream, she would gather Jung Woo in her arms and pressed a kiss against her smile. Who would’ve imagined that, instead of giving her joy, those words shattered her castle in the sky and crashed her down back to earth, shattering her heart in the process?

It was such an innocent request, something that she heard Jung Woo say before, to Hyo Won unnie, to Hanee unnie, even to her… but that was then, and this is now.

Now, she wanted more, she wanted it to mean something, and it scared her less. She wanted the impossible. She wanted to look at Jung Woo and see forever in her eyes.

Ji Hye laid her head against the bus window, arms hugging her torso, cradling herself, *Why are you doing this to yourself, Ji Hye-yah? Full of wishful thinking and hopeless dream. Even if Jung Woo was kind enough to befriend you, why would she love a cluster- like you?*

Jihye looked down at the lock screen of her phone. It was of the two of them on that fateful day at the park – Jung Woo was looking at her with mirth in her eyes as she unknowingly made a lone heart, a hopeful smile on her face. Her thumb traced over Jung Woo’s jawline, her cheek… a drop of tear landed on her phone, blurring their smiling faces.

*I wish I could be worthy of you…. Is it too much to ask even just to hope that one day you would love me too?*

But what would happen if that day never comes? What if one day Jung Woo found the one that made her feel alive, just like how she made Ji Hye feel? What would happen if one day she grasped Ji Hye’s hand and gushed over someone else, someone worthier to be by her side? Can she still stay in the shadows, hiding her heart away, and just be Jung Woo’s friend? What would happen then, when she can’t live in a world without Shin Jung Woo in it?

Her head was pounding, blood rushing and pulsing madly against her temple, hating herself for spiraling down into an emotional whirlwind that only left her drained and stuck in a cul-de-sac. But it was so easy, so easy to just fall back into that pitch-black darkness of self-doubt and denigrating self-hate, back to shutting out the world and believing that all good things would come to an end. It would be easier to just keep her pattern of burning bridges and cutting loose without words, simply run away and disappear.

“Last stop.”

Ji Hye heard the bus driver say as the bus came to a stop. Sighing, she slowly alighted the bus. The sun had fully set now and she had to squint her eyes just to see her surroundings, wondering just how far she traveled, losing herself too deep in her own thoughts and the what-ifs, and couldn't hide her surprise when she saw the familiar pathway of her old neighborhood.

She let out a small laugh, bitter and cynical as she looked up at the sky and let out a curse. Is this the universe’s way of saying that she has come full circle? Back to the place that gave her the most heartache?

“Ji Hye? Is that you? Ya! You little rascal! It is you!”

Ji Hye swiveled and was just in time to brace herself before she was engulfed in a big hug, her body easily lifted by the fit woman. Ji Hye laughed; her arms quickly wrapped around the woman that was once one of her lifelines.

“Ya! Where’s your jacket? What are you doing here? Have you been crying?” A barrage of questions greeted her instead of hello as the tan woman fussed over her like a mother hen and Ji Hye could not hold back her tears anymore, not when she was home.

“Rihey unnie,” she choked out and fell back into her surrogate sister’s arms and bawled.

***

Choi Hyojin’s izakaya-style pub looked the same, hardly anything changed in the past 3 years since she’d been there. The same creaky folded chairs, the same plastic covered menu, the same salted peanut served on a plastic plate, and also… she smiled – what she saw warmed her faster than the old heater that Hyojin put on full blast when she saw her enter the pub shivering like a little lost kitten – her three surrogate sisters, arguing in the open kitchen about what kind of food they should prepare with the meat that Gabee brought from her butcher shop.

“So, tell me who should I kick for making you cry?” Rihey put down 3 bottles of beer and 3 bottles of soju before taking a seat in front of Ji Hye.

“I thought you taught those kids in your Dojo that violence was not the answer to everything?” Hyojin came toward the table with glasses after flipping the door sign to close, her hands immediately busy making sure that she got the perfect ratio of beer and soju for the four of them.

“Yeah well, that's for the kids, not for me. So, seriously, give me their name and address and I promise you, they won't dare mess with my kid sister anymore.”

“Chill, I will bet a whole cow that this is a matter of the heart. Eat up.” Gabee put the steaming galbi-tang in front of Ji Hye and patted her head, “Eat first then tell your Gabee unnie who broke your heart, and then I will get Rihey unnie to kick her .”

Ji Hye sniffled, her eyes already turned watery again from their attentions, as if the last 3 years never happened and she was back within their folds, shielded from the harsh world.

“How about kicking me instead?” Ji Hye gave them all a sad smile, “I broke my own heart.” Tears escaped her eyes and she laughed a bit, wiping them carelessly as she breathed in through her nose and let out a shaky breath.

“I met this amazing woman,” she paused, a soft smile lingered on her lips just by the mere thought of her. Her Jung Woo was beyond amazing, but she lacked the vocabulary to describe her in words, to describe Jung Woo she would have to use every superlative word that could come to mind and more.

“She’s… uh… straight.” She sniffled and wiped the non-existent snot with the back of her hand and grinned at the affronted look that the other three gave her. “No, no, it wasn’t like last time, she never offered me anything beyond her friendship, it just… uhmmm…” Ji Hye picked up the spoon just to have something to hold on to and started stirring her food, “I fell in love." Ji Hye looked up, all misty-eyed as she choked a laugh, her dimples deepened as she tried to swallow the lump of sadness that was lodged in .

"I fell in love…” Droplets of tears started to rain down from her doe eyes as she bit down on her lower lips yet failed to tamper down the overwhelming sadness that just washed over her. “I thought that as long as I could see her, be her friend, be close to her, just loving her from afar, would be enough.”

“But it wasn’t,” Ji Hye released her hold on her spoon and looked at her three sisters with such devastation and desperation written all over her face, “I want her to love me too."

“She rejected you?” Gabee slid over the glass of somaek and motioned with her chin for Ji Hye to drink up.

“No. I never… I never told her I love her.”

“Whoa hold up.” / “Then why are you already crying like someone stole your cow?!” / “Nu-uh, nope. Nope. Nope!” Three reactions exploded at the same time and Ji Hye was too stunned to speak for a moment.

The three argued for a while, talking all over each other on who should talk some sense into their youngest before they seemed to agree on one representative. Gabee sighed out loud and grabbed Ji Hye’s cold hands into her warm ones and rubbed them slowly to warm them up, concern etched deeply in her frown.

“Okay, we promise we won’t interrupt,” Ji Hye blinked at her and Gabee shrugged, a guilty smile tugged on her lips, “much.” She grinned and patted Ji Hye’s hand softly, “Okay, so, you like a straight girl.”

“Woman.”

“Still a , so why correct me??”

“Unnie,” Ji Hye laughed tiredly, “she’s older than all of you.”

“Like how old?”

“Ten years older than me.”

“Sugar mama,” Hyojin nodded resolutely and motioned for her to continue.

“No, not a sugar mama,” Ji Hye let out a tiny, resigned chuckle. “Do you even know what that means?”

“What’s her name? What’s her SNS?” Rihey’s phone was in her hand, fingers ready to type in the information.

Ji Hye sighed and swiped at her phone, ignoring the missed calls and messages that she knew would be from Jung Woo, she tapped on her gallery and showed them the first picture that she found there.

Three heads gathered together to look at the picture of Jung Woo that she took just a couple of days ago.

“Okay, at least your taste in women got better,” Gabee nodded her approval. 

“Told you, a mommy.”

“Hyojin unnie, please, stop. Not a Mom, oh my god, don’t. Where did you learn these? A teen blog?” 

“She has been hanging out with my teenage students, trying to be the cool aunt.”

“Sister! The cool sister!”

Gabee clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention, “Okay, back to the program people! So, you fell in love with a straight woman, and you haven’t told her your feelings, so why in the world did you already cry like someone kicked your kitten?”

Ji Hye’s mood turned somber, she looked down at her folded hands and started to pick at her cuticles, “Because I have to get away… I have to learn to let her go, I have to kill this love before I lose her as a friend.”

“Wait, wait,” Hyojin gave her a pinched confused look, “let me get this straight, or not straight, okay, whatever, I mean, you love her, you haven’t told her you love her, but you already think she won’t love you back, so you think that going away and not seeing her would be the best way to forget her, and that’s why you are heart-broken? Is that it?” Using her forefinger to point at the table each time she made a connection, Hyojin threw her hands up at the end, “Whoa…. Okay, who’s gonna say it? Can I say it? You know what, I will say it anyway. You, baby girl, need Jesus.”

“What she needs is a good slap to the head to wake her up. Ji Hye-yah, anyone, and I mean anyone would be lucky to have you in their life, let alone have you love them.” Rihey shook her head and grabbed a glass of somaek, gulping down the burning liquid in one shot to calm her suddenly raging heart.

Ji Hye shook her head sadly, “I’m not worthy of her… Why would she want someone like me, when…” She stopped, hand unconsciously gripping the tattoo that was currently covered by her long sleeves, but that tiny movement was not lost to Rihey’s eagle-like eyes. 

“I should’ve killed your ex, seriously, you shouldn’t have stopped me before.” Rihey tsk-ed, her eyes red from trying hard not to cry. It hurt her to see Ji Hye like this – her strong-willed, brighter than the star, talented younger sister. But that’s the funny thing about heartache, the wound never really dried up – it just scabbed over and easily bleed all over again.

“This woman, you said that she’s amazing? Amazing enough for you to fight for her? Nu-uh, I haven't finished…” Gabee held out her hand when she saw that Ji Hye was already ready to defend her stupid decision.

“A love worth having is a love worth fighting for. If you really love her, then you should at least try fighting for it. Besides, you already broke your own heart thinking of the worst, what’s the harm in trying?”

“What if…” Ji Hye gulped, “What if she cut me from her life like I was just a piece of garbage when she found out that I love her?”

“If she were as amazing as you said, she won't act like your ed up family. Oww! Ya! Who kicked me?! I’m just being honest.”

Rihey glared threateningly at the wincing Gabee and motioned with her head toward the now silent young woman.

“The Ji Hye I remembered never back down from a challenge.” Gabee grabbed a bottle of soju and shoved it into Ji Hye’s hand.

“If you really love her, then fight for it Ji Hye-yah. Better to have loved and love fiercely than never love at all. Isn’t that what you believed in once? And before you tell me that girl is already gone, well… if you can’t even fight for her, then maybe you don’t deserve someone like Monika Shin.”

Ji Hye looked up at Gabee in disbelief, who simply shrugged at her. “I don’t live under a rock, of course I know who she is, geez.”

“Monika Shin…” Rihey typed in the name into her Naver search and her eyes grew big, “Holy crap, she’s famous.”

Hyojin peeked at Rihey’s phone and whistled out loud, “Sugar Mommy, told you.”

Ji Hye grew quiet, she looked at her phone just in time to see another message bubble pop up.

Ji Hye-ah, are you okay? Where are you? I'm worried.

Something came up. I'm sorry, I'll call you later.

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