"If work is so important then you should just get married to it." The thought ran through Kyungsoo's mind again, just like it had the previous day, and the day before that, and since way before, without once leaving his lips. Because if he said it, it would become real. There's no taking back words and pretending they never existed, so Kyungsoo chose to face his feelings alone. Or more like blindfolded himself from the widening crack in their relationship.  Because even when they were beside each other, there were things they never mentioned. He was always the second option, there to fill the gap in Chanyeol's romantic life. Part of it was pride and another part was fear. He laid alone on the king-sized mattress, getting used to the emptiness of the bed that mirrored that of his heart. The chicken porridge sat outside on the cold kitchen counter, resigned to the same fate of waiting.

When the clock had striked half past midnight, Kyungsoo had given up on waiting and retired back to bed. He found his thoughts drifting back to his dreams of their past and what he had hoped would be a beautiful future. The bitterness in his mouth stayed even after brushing his teeth, and Kyungsoo let himself drift off into another deceptively peaceful slumber filled with university them and their innocent kisses.

Even if you don’t do anything, just by staying beside me
you would have given me strength. 
I regret it again.
Following your shrinking back
and slowly matching your footsteps,
I dream of us walking together.
(based off Suho's For You Now (feat. Younha))

***

Kyungsoo was still living in his ex's house. Yep, awkward. He'd made up his mind to move out and back to his parent's house a week from then. Funny how long it took to finalise it though — they'd broken up the year before, literally on the last day of the year.

There had been determination in him like no other on that day. Instead of preparing a private romantic celebration or just getting some takeout, Kyungsoo spent the whole night thinking of how to end things for good. He'd turned a blind eye to the matter for too long, and it was eating him up. So when the door clicked open some minutes after 11pm to reveal a mussy-haired Chanyeol with his crooked maroon tie, Kyungsoo observed from his spot on their small couch. He took a shaky breath while the other man settled down. The clock ticked loudly, even more so than when Kyungsoo had been alone.

"Park Chanyeol," he started, throwing all caution to the wind. There was no turning back.

"I want to break up." The words rushed out like the air from Chanyeol's lungs. Kyungsoo was looking at nothing in particular and missed the shock on Chanyeol's face as the shuffling halted completely. Time seemed to slow down for the latter, his mind reeling.

"I think I don't love you anymore. Goodbye." Kyungsoo's voice hadn't wavered as much as he had expected, which was good. His mind was empty, body on auto-pilot. Brushing past the lanky man, Kyungsoo didn't look back as he shut the door behind him. It was all a carefully thought-out plan to make sure Chanyeol got the message — that he was hurt and didn't feel loved. But the pain came rushing back stronger when his phone showed that a good five minutes had passed as he sat alone by the stairs of their apartment building. He powered off his device, ignoring the messages from 'Yoo Ra Noona'.

The man spaced out for a while after that. The cool air did nothing but dry his tears, and at some point along the night Kyungsoo found himself at the park which was five minutes away on foot. He sat on the grass alone, among the couples and families there for their picnics. New Year's Eve made it more crowded than usual and Kyungsoo slumped down in his dark corner near the fences, ignoring the make-out session behind him and staring up at the starless sky. Only the darkness of the night knew how he truly felt. The man wasn't even sure if he was shaking from the emotional exertion or from the merciless breeze. Stupid Park. They were over. Finally...

***

March rolled around the corner fast and it had already been three months since their break-up. The year had ended on the same day he'd ended his almost three-year relationship.

Walking towards the familiar apartment, Kyungsoo let the meaty aroma fill his nostrils and he felt his mouth water. Immediately, memories of childhood flooded his mind. The grand birthday dinners always had leftovers to share with their neighbours. The loud chatter used to fill the small yet cosy living room that fit his mum's friends a little too tightly. And the countless visits helped him develop awkward friendships with Hyunsik and Yoona over the years. It surprised Kyungsoo how much he'd missed the Im siblings, despite catching up with his male friend once in a while.

Home brought with it a semblance of paradise with no worries and responsibilities. For once in what seemed like forever, Kyungsoo felt young — as if his youth was buried in his memories. Not that the man was old, but he'd always felt weighed down by life. In contrast, breathing felt so light at home, and his mind was clear, even if only for the few fleeting moments.

A lady's humming drifted from behind the door which Kyungsoo recognised as his mother's. He bent down to the dusty shoe rack in the left corner and stuck his hand down the greyed high-tops he'd cherished as a young boy. The insole lifted easily, and he fished out two small hard objects. Kyungsoo caught himself smiling down at the all-too familiar grooves of rusty metal that now sat in his left hand. They'd changed the lock a few years back, but it felt wrong to throw away the key to the old lock. It guarded the part of his memories which was warm, happy and filled with naïvity.

Kyungsoo easily opened the gate lock with the shiny silver and stepped into the house before locking it back and slotting both metals into his back pocket.

"Omma, I'm here." Her reply came before she appeared in the living room.

"Kyungsoo! I missed you." Kyungsoo leaned into the hug and wrapped his arms around his mother's small waist. He'd never prided himself in skinship, but the long time away from home must have triggered the touch-deprived side of him. He melted into her embrace, secretly missing the physical contact from his lovely mother. And the woman pulled away, smiling up at him.

"Come in the kitchen, I have some lemon juice for you."

Kyungsoo took a quiet moment to take in her weathered features. She held the same energy but the lines in her face failed to hide their lost time. Something akin to regret stirred in the son's heart at the sight of his mother's dirty apron.

"I missed you too, omma." It came out as a whisper as his mum turned to make for the kitchen. Kyungsoo stood in the middle of the living room, sounds of busy preparation echoing in the house. It was his brother's birthday today. Glancing around the empty room, Kyungsoo remembered that he was alone again. Last year Chanyeol had been too busy with work to come over, which left him to spend the whole celebration with family but without his boyfriend. 

I guess we weren't even close to being family.

He checked the bitterness which welled up, reluctant to spoil his mood when he was home for once in two months. That was no place to sulk. So tossing his thoughts away, Kyungsoo brought his mind back to the present.

"Omma, is hyung here yet?" 

"No, he'll be late. Come help me if you're free ok?"

"Mm, what should I do?" Keeping himself busy would save his mind from wandering back to the absence of someone.

***

Everyone seemed to dance around the fact that the 24-year-old was single again. And Kyungsoo was somewhat glad for the space. He had waited a week for the new year excitement to fade away to break the news to his mother over the phone. She hadn't asked much, other than "Are you ok? Do you want to come over for the weekend?" to which Kyungsoo refused, taking the time to figure out his feelings instead.

It definitely came as a shock to others that the second son of the Do family would break up with his boyfriend. They'd spent the whole university vacation together three years back. But the son knew that breaking up was the only way for him to stay sane. His mind was always consumed by thoughts of Chanyeol that Kyungsoo was sure he was bordering madness. He had even started to wish that his boyfriend would quit his job even if it meant being jobless. He knew it'd take some time but they could work things out together. Maybe they'd rent a cheap room and squeeze everything in? It'd be uncomfortable for sure, but it was still something. No one said it would be easy, but it'd be alright with Chanyeol, because everything was fine for Kyungsoo when they were together.

Life had been easier and happier when they were younger. But then work came and there was no more month-long holiday for them to go on cheap dates and lounge around Chanyeol's dorm — much less for a new-hire like him. There was no more carefree recklessness of spending their parents' money as students. They became just another one of the million men in the competitive South Korean economy. Independant, but never fully cutting off their ties back home. Being neither here nor there was the only constant. And they were laced with worries of early adulthood, pushed out into the wild to fend for themselves. They were forced to grow up, and that change seemed to bring along with it apathy. There was no time and energy left for anyone apart from themselves and anything other than work. Romance was something that people had to put in effort for, not something which people got from silently setting expectations — all that gave was disappointment and hurt. That much Kyungsoo knew.

At first you'd been so warm and loving and right for me. You had me in the palm of your hands and I was happy that someone cared. Even more so that it was you — thoughtful, cheery, and funny you.

You were easy to be with like a breeze in my hair, and you were deep like the endless ocean. So I let go of my fears, praying you'd catch me when I fall and never let go. But the fears came back after a while, because you were the perfect boyfriend in university who was always there and I was stupid to think that'd never change as adults.

Meanwhile I was the quiet one — prickly and nasty. It took me three years to realise that I dragged you down, broke the perfect glass, stained the spotless sheet called you. You worked so hard because that's how people survive, and that's what makes money. But there was nothing to be proud of  a part-time chef with no connections.

Maybe they shouldn't have borrowed money from their parents. It had been too early to get their small apartment — even months later, they were nowhere near halfway done with returning the retirement money to their parents. Stupid Seoul and its goldmine apartments. It was a pain to work two jobs but what more was doing it alone. They used to be so close and whisper on their phones all night, but Kyungsoo felt the change. When work took up so much of Chanyeol's time, the taller man drifted further and further away. And time silently cemented the brick wall between them.

***

"Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo stopped himself before he could rub his eyes with hands coated in red pepper paste. Instead, he blinked back the surprise and pulled his gaze away. Wow, he was so pathetically lovesick that he started hallucinating his ex at work. Even while preparing the orders, Kyungsoo's gaze repeatedly flicked back to the mirror where a familiar reflection showed. Tall, brown hair, thin-framed glasses, white dress shirt, dark red tie, goofy grin. It's definitely Chanyeol, he'd recognise that hunch anywhere. But... why was he there?

It took two seconds to realise that it was for work, as always. Kyungsoo snorted to himself, suppressing the dumb hope that his ex was there to see him. It was probably another team dinner with his favourite colleagues. Anywhere Park Chanyeol went and everything he did was for work. It had always been work first, boyfriend second. The same dirty taste on his tongue surfaced and with it came tears that Kyungsoo willed away. He hated himself for being so affected even months after initiating the break.

And the untouched meat on a certain plate caught his eye. It was unprecedented for the always ravenous man to only have a few cherry tomatoes. Even two gulps of wine later, the same two slices of pork lay cold on his small plate. 

What's wrong? Is the food that bad? Is he not feeling well?

The sunken cheeks and dark eye circles caught Kyungoo's attention even under the glasses and messy gelled hair. The sleeves of the button-up hung loosely around his arms.

Has he not been eating well?

When Chanyeol's face tilted up slightly, Kyungsoo snapped his gaze back to the sizzling grill in front of him and mentally smacked himself for staring so much. The customers nearby noticed the chef's piercing gaze on the meat, but withheld their curiosity.

Aish, why am I even worrying about you. You're a grown- man who can take care of yourself and live alone. I don't have to care if you were to die today anyways, we're nothing — never got married, never got divorced.

But his large eyes kept drifting back to the man. The chef wondered if said man had noticed that he worked there instead of at the Seoul branch. Ilsan was great, much quieter than Seoul yet the people were also nice. What's more, Kyungsoo's mum and dad were much nearer. It took ten minutes to drive to their place from work instead of thirty, and he wished to go back whenever he felt lonely, which was most of the time. Because when the single man went back to their shared apartment, the lingering scent of Chanyeol's cologne was everywhere and he knew that if he stayed for even a week longer, he'd shamelessly beg for his ex's attention. But the short man knew that Chanyeol didn't want him anymore. Not when they were living under the same roof but hadn't looked each other in the eye for more than a second, much less held actual conversations. Kyungsoo was very much convinced that the office worker purposely stayed out till late so he didn't have to see him at home.

Well, then he wasn't going to try if Chanyeol didn't want him anymore, because he knew his place. If he was a used toy for Chanyeol, he would happily lie to himself that maybe at one point it had been love.

***

Ok, so drinking at home wasn't the smartest thing to do when you lived with your former fiancé. Especially not when your alcohol tolerance was worse than a teen's. But to be fair, it was exactly three years since Chanyeol had asked to be Kyungsoo's lover, and the latter couldn't afford to let go at a pub — money problems.

So he found himself on the phone after forty one typo-littered messages and two missed calls to the number he failed to block. Well, he technically didn't even consider blocking Chanyeol, but that's besides the point. The point was, Kyungsoo had some problems with critical decision-making and accidentally (or not so) swiped right after the sixth incoming call from his ex-boyfriend. He wasn't even conscious of half of the words which came out of his mouth. Blame it on the three-quarter bottle of soju in his system.

"I gave you so many chances to hold me back. I walked out slowly so you could grab my hand. I waited outside to see if you'd run after me. And I stayed up all night thinking you'd come back and apologise. But you didn't even bother stopping me from leaving. Did you even love me at all?" Kyungsoo let his phone slip out of his weak grip, spotting the familiar outline of the approaching man.

Stunned eyes stared back at Kyungsoo's unfocused ones, the standing man's mouth gaping and shutting like a fish.

"I... I'm sorry, Kyungsoo." The husky voice came in a whisper at the door instead of from the phone.

"I really didn't know that, I thought that you needed your space to figure things out and that you'd come find me when you were ready. I'm such a slow person, I'm so stupid." The messy hair got impossibly messier. An annoyed huff escaped the drunk man's lips. He didn't regret it. Kyungsoo refused to look Chanyeol in the eye partly to stand his ground and make the tall idiot regret his neglect. But a large part of Kyungsoo was scared to let his pain show.

Not now, he can't see you like that. You're pathetic enough already, how much more are you going to let the world laugh at?

"Kyungsoo-yah, you didn't stay outside all night that day right? Please tell me you went to your parent's place or something. It was cold that night."

The short male scoffed louder than necessary, masking the squeeze of his heart. The concern in Chanyeol's tone was so convincing that he almost fell for it.

"As if you care." Chanyeol's response came in a heartbeat.

"Kyungsoo, I always care. Because it's you." His shaky voice revealed the obvious hurt that showed in his eyes too. Kyungsoo made the mistake of meeting his gaze and a twinge of guilt crept up. Am I being too harsh? No! He was the one who didn't hold me back because I don't matter to him anymore.

"Stop acting, Mr Park. You weren't even home at 2am that day. Just say you're tired of me and I'll pretend our relationship never existed." The lie slipped out a little too easily thanks to the alcohol.

The thick brows furrowed together without masking the owner's incomprehension, "Do Kyungsoo, I'm not acting. I mean every word I said. Why do you think I don't love you anymore?"

His drunk instincts took over, spilling every word in his mind.

"I'm not dumb, Yeol. You used to ask me how my day went when you got home, but in the last few months even to a quiet person you were a ghost. We don't talk like we used to because you're always at work or some after-work event. And you're just an employee, not the boss. So why are you so busy all the time? What happened to making time for each other?" The words came out more spiteful than intended, but what had to be said was done. If not for the poker face, the giant probably would've sensed the nerves bubbling in the pit of Kyungsoo's gut. The silence stretched on and the dark-haired man could almost hear the gears shifting in his ex's head.

"When we started out, you put in so much effort to get to know me, but I guess it took too much out of you that way. Was that why you stopped trying? Or am I still too blinded by my feelings to see that the spark died down long ago? Park Chanyeol, answer me. Please." Tears threatened to steal Kyungsoo's vision, but he held it back as much as possible.

Chanyeol's fists clenched by his sides and his gaze was downcast. There was something he was obviously holding back. With a few deep breaths, he steeled his gaze to meet the wider ones in front of him.

"It's your fault." The moment the words made sense in Kyungsoo's head, a loud shatter resounded in his ears. Oh, it was just his heart. Ouch. The breath which escaped from the quivering lips sounded nothing close to surprised, but it didn't make the pain any lighter. He was ready to run away and never face Chanyeol again.

"But it's as much my fault as it is yours." The shock made Kyungsoo peer up through the tears. Had he heard it wrong? The shorter male wanted to slap himself for the hope which burned in his chest, but it was the only thing he could cling on to. So he listened on in dumb silence.

"I'm sorry Kyungsoo, and I know it sounds like an excuse but I got really busy at the office. Work got really tough suddenly and I just couldn't cope. There were all these reports I had to write and I didn't know half the things they said in the meetings. I know I should've shared this with you, but you seemed so stressed every day planning for the wedding and I couldn't make you worry about my work life too." The sitting man's brain processed the words slowly, the alcohol messing with his tempo. And Chanyeol filled the silence again, only slower this time as if he saw Kyungsoo's brain digesting everything slower than usual.

"That day... I fought with my boss about a project. There was no time for anything, I didn't even have time for you and I was almost sure that I'd get fired the next day. But when I reached home you wanted to break up and I didn't know what to do, Kyungsoo." There was a broken look on Chanyeol's face and it took all of Kyungsoo's willpower to not hold the handsome face in his rough hands. See, work is still the first thing on his mind.

The silence seemed to fuel Chanyeol's speech, and he continued without once looking up.

"I was shocked... because I didn't know things had gotten so bad. Even if you stopped wearing our engagement ring, I never said anything because I couldn't hold you back, Kyung-ah. How could I- I can't force you to stay if you don't want me. And I was scared that you'd disappear from my life... How could I ever live with that?" The words came out with a broken smile on his face. Chanyeol took a deep breath to wipe the tears away from his cheeks.

"Then my sister called and asked to bring you over the next day if we could make it. And I realised I couldn't let you go. But the calls didn't go through and I didn't know where to find you. I even went to the park, to the rooftop, and to your workplace, but you were gone. I thought you really didn't want me anymore so I stayed outside. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for being so dumb."

When Chanyeol looked up, he was surprised to see tears streaming down the beautiful flushed face of his ex. He'd expected a fuming Kyungsoo, and he was ready to accept all the hits and punches and slaps if made Kyungsoo feel better. But when the blows never came and the sobs didn't stop, Chanyeol tentatively grasped the smaller hands in his and continued talking.

"You always kept some dinner for me every night and stayed up even after rushing about for the whole day. And I'm so thankful for that, I...I just didn't want to burden you more by holding you back." That seemed to return the smaller man's voice, who finally broke his silence, "oh Chanyeol, you're not a burden to me. I did it because I wanted to — you worked so hard till the late nights and you can't sleep when you're hungry. I wanted to see you before I sleep, and talk to you about everything. But you were so quiet that it scared me that—" Kyungsoo gulped.

"That you didn't like me anymore." It came out as a broken whisper, tears falling silently from Kyungsoo's eyes. It was finally out there, his insecurity. It was displayed like a chicken hung by its neck, waiting to be butchered to bits.

"Kyungsoo, I didn't know you felt that way. I'm so sorry for being cold. I— I thought working hard would make you proud, but... I forgot that working hard couldn't make you happy." Ugly sniffles filled the room.

"I'm sorry Kyungsoo, for not being there while you had those thoughts. And for making you lonely. I thought you wanted some space when you stopped answering my calls and only texted back hours later. Then when work took so much of my time I didn't realise how much it hurt you. I'm so sorry for breaking my promise. You can hate me all you want if it makes you feel better."

And in Kyungsoo's stupor, the sincerity touched his heart. He realised that he never really could hate the man in front of him. The only man who could heal his broken heart; Kyungsoo's heart had always belonged to him. The wall finally crumbled and the dam broke along with it. It was the first time since forever that the smaller man held his lover's strong arms in his own and just let the ugly tears fall. There was finally someone there to wipe away the tears for him, he wasn't alone anymore.

"I'm sorry too... I was thoughtless and only saw my needs and my pain. It was never about us, it was always about me. Maybe we grew apart because it was too one-sided. You're someone who loves to vocalise and use actions to show affection, but I'm more conservative and reserved. People say relationships are a two-way street, but I'd done all the bottling up and projected my feelings on you. I let you down." The man took a deep breath to collect his thoughts before continuing.

"You must've been so lonely and tired every day, but you suffered in silence because I was never there for you. I must've let the bitter child in me take control again — the one who couldn't become a doctor like my cousin, or a lawyer like Seungsoo, not even a teacher like mum. I was nothing but a small cook in a kitchen, who never will have a name. And yet when I found you who embraced every part of me, childish me pushed away your warmth because I was scared." Kyungsoo felt Chanyeol fidgeting but continued. He had to get the words out before he exploded.

"While you slaved away at work, I was busy brewing a bitter stew for myself and poisoning my thoughts. I craved your attention so much, but pride would never let me ask for your love. What did I do to deserve your love anyways? I don't have money, a good job or a good personality. I couldn't even make you a kid. I was your shackles and you just had to break me and you'd be free and happy. " There was a light but firm squeeze on his right hand.

"And... I was scared of blaming myself because then there was nothing I could do but give up. So I made you the bad guy when I was the one pulling away. I was never enough for you but you stayed with me anyway." The trembling voice was muffled and even the speaker found it hard to decipher the words. But Chanyeol heard every syllable Kyungsoo said and every insecurity that Kyungsoo hid. When he saw Kyungsoo's shoulder sag, Chanyeol cupped the man's face in his hands, caressing the warm tears on his cheeks.

"Hey, don't say it like that. You're so beautiful. You're so much more than you think you are Kyungsoo. You're my world." They were a shaking, sobbing mess by then, the mumbled confessions drowned in their embrace. And yet despite the headache and puffy eyes, it felt like everything would be ok again. It was just like their university days, when they watched a sad movie together and consoled each other on Chanyeol's small bed.

"Is this ok for you? Or do you want to take some time to think?"

Before anything, Kyungsoo had to clarify, "what are we now?"

"It's up to you, Kyungsoo. I'll follow your wish." The earnest eyes stared back and he felt like crying again. The relief which flooded his system was so overwhelming. And Kyungsoo took a quiet moment to think before deciding, "we should take things slowly and figure out how we want us to be."  

"Together" the smaller boy added meekly, unsure if the hope in his tone showed.

"Mhm, I think so too, Soo. One step at a time." Said man couldn't help but to mirror the toothy smile which took over his lover's features. What had seemed like a fever dream of a year turned out to be much sweeter than Kyungsoo had hoped for. With the larger hand around his own, it seemed like not every chapter had to have a sad ending after all.

To you who’s fast asleep tonight,
I told my feelings —
the words that I couldn’t say before.
And I hope you will have a happier dream today.

***