-Around 5 Years Ago-

I take a deep breath resting my hands on the sink in the women's bathroom. My hand shakes as I bring it under the water raising it to wipe at my mouth. Had I somehow got the flu or something in the last few days? I felt terrible and dry heaving in the bathroom just now made me feel even worse. I let my other hand join my right under the water before raising them both to my face letting the cool water rest against my skin.

After doing so I let my hands rest on the countertop again as I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I looked awful, tired, all the above. It didn't help that I happened to have a finance exam in two days’ time and was stressing over it as well. The thought of the exam causes my heart to pound in my chest. I need to stop wasting time and get back to studying. I rip some paper towel out drying off my face before exiting the bathroom.

My best friend Jungwoo is right outside a worried expression on his face, "Yujin, are you alright?"

I run a hand through my hair taking a deep breath, "I don't know." I murmur passing him by to head back to our study table.

He sits down across from me his worried expression still present. "Why don't we stop studying for tonight? You look exhausted." He closes his notebook, but I quickly shake my head.

"No! I can't afford to stop now I-." Something swirls in my stomach causing me to pale. My hand flies to my mouth once again as I'm sent rushing back to bathroom. I barely manage to close the door and drop to my knees in time for my stomach to empty its contents into the toilet.

I let a few tears fall down my cheeks at the horrible feeling before reaching for some toilet paper. I wipe my mouth and blow my nose dropping it into the toilet before flushing. I felt a little better but now I felt even more tired, and my throat hurt.

I return to the table once again and Jungwoo has already packed his and my stuff. I sit down resting my head on the table whilst my arms wrap around my stomach.

"You're obviously not okay." Jungwoo mumbles. "How long have you felt like this?"

I whine to myself. "The nausea only set in today, but I've felt super tired for a couple weeks now. My body just feels heavy." I lift my head from the table to look at him. "Do you think I got something like the flu?"

Jungwoo swallows thickly biting his lip. "Yujin, is it possible that you're pregnant?"

I scoff, "No!" I sit up quickly almost offended. "You know that's impossible!"

Jungwoo rolls his eyes. "But that's not true, you have a boyfriend. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you two have had before."

"Jungwoo, it’s not possible. Doyoung left for the states over four months ago." I cross my arms over my chest. "And while it was shorter than normal, I had my period last week."

Jungwoo sighs, "So it was different than it usually is?"

I shrug, "Yeah, shorter and not much but I've been really stressed with finance lately so..."

"That could just be spotting, Yujin. That happened with my sister during her pregnancy too." He murmurs before standing up. "I'm going to the convenience store to get some stuff for you, stay here."

I shake my head at his words but pull my finance book back out to study more. I grab my phone pulling up Doyoung's contact.

To: Doyoung

From: Yujin

Hey, I'm not feeling too well tonight so I'm not sure if I can make our usual late-night call.

After I've hit sent, I place my phone down and try and focus on memorizing the formulas in my textbook. Around 15 minutes pass by before I hear my phone buzzing. I lift my phone up and it’s an incoming facetime call from Doyoung.

I quickly open the call and it takes a few seconds for his face to appear. Its dark and he seems to be in a car, probably with his friends on the way to class. It was early in the morning in the United States, and he seems tired.

"Are you alright?" He says eyes searching my face since I said I was unwell. "You seem tired?"

"I think it's a mixture of stress and maybe the flu." I mumble quietly since I was at the library. Luckily the location Jungwoo chose was secluded from others so I was sure they wouldn't hear me.

"I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could be there." He says softly running a hand through his hair.

"It's okay, it's not your fault." I smile softly back at him even though my stomach was starting to churn again.

My eyes raise over my phone noticing Jungwoo reappear with a bag in his hands. He rushes to sit down next to me dropping the bag onto the table. His eyes dart down to my phone and Doyoung is now staring at him.

"Hello!" Jungwoo waves silently before pressing a hand to my forehead. He clicks his tongue, "Hmm, no fever." He pulls out a thermometer getting it ready for me to use.

I sigh glancing back at Doyoung who has went quiet. “I just realized I’ve never introduced you two. Doyoung this is my friend and classmate Jungwoo.” Jungwoo smiles and waves once more. “Jungwoo, this is my boyfriend Doyoung.”

Jungwoo slips a cap over the part of the thermometer that will go into my ear before glancing at my phone again. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Doyoung. It’s nice to finally see your face.”

Doyoung slowly nods, “It’s nice to meet you too.”

Jungwoo pushes my hair aside and moves the thermometer into my ear waiting the few seconds for it to read my temperature before pulling it out. “Hmm, like I suspected, no fever.”

He glances back at Doyoung, “She’s been to the bathroom twice during the past hour to throw up and is super tired. Any ideas come to mind for you?”

I scoff under my breath, was he trying to get Doyoung to say it was possible that I was pregnant?

“Jungwoo!” I scold him under my breath.

“What I’m just curious what he thinks?” He harps back before reaching into the grocery sack to pull out a drink to boost my immune system. “Here.” He holds it out towards me.

I roll my eyes peeling off the lid raising it to my lips but when I so much as get a whiff of the orange scent my stomach rumbles and I’m quickly sitting the drink onto the table rushing to the bathroom again. I don’t even notice that I’ve brought Doyoung to the bathroom with me, I felt terrible, but I drop my phone to the floor as my body does the same emptying my stomach into the toilet once more.

Once I’m done, I rest my arms on the toilet, laying my head on top of them despite how dirty the thing probably was. I felt awful.

“Yujin.” Doyoung’s voice causes my head to raise and drop to my phone but out of view from where he could see me.

“I’m sorry, Doyoung. I’m sorry you had to see…hear that.” I refuse to show him my face. “I should go, I don’t know how long I’ll be in here.”

“Text me when you get home, alright. I hope you feel better by tomorrow.” He hums and I can just imagine the worried expression on his face. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” I mumble back before I hear the tone of him hanging up.

I take a few more moments to collect myself before raising once again. I make sure to thoroughly clean myself after lying on the toilet before I exit the bathroom once more. If there was ever a term for feeling worse than exhausted, then that’s what I felt like now, but I wasn’t too sure.

Jungwoo is standing outside the bathroom again a box in his hands, he holds it out towards me, and I glance down at it. Anger burrows in my chest. It was a pregnancy test. He had bought one for me.

“Jungwoo, I said it’s not possible!” I glare at him.

He shrugs, “If it’s not possible then there’s no harm in at least taking it.”

I rip the test from his hand, “Fine.” I’d do it just to prove him wrong.

I return to the bathroom ripping the package open and huffing as I read the directions. The process is a little longer than I thought it would be but once I’ve peed on it, I wash my hands and return to Jungwoo outside.

“We’ve got to wait, let’s go study.”

Once the timer goes off for it, I grab it absentmindedly and rolls my eyes at Jungwoo’s worried gaze. “Ready to be proven wrong?”

He gestures towards it, and I roll my eyes again.

“See I told you it’s neg-.” My eyes drop down to the double lines on the display screen my voice disappearing.

Jungwoo raises from his seat and comes to my side to see the result himself and I hear him in a breath. “Yujin.”

“This can’t be right.” It slips from my fingers falling onto my open textbook. Jungwoo rests a hand on my shoulder. I glance at him, “This would mean that I’m almost five months pregnant Jungwoo.”

He swallows thickly sitting down beside me, “Everything will be fine. You should probably visit a doctor soon though.”

Tears spill from my eyes involuntarily, “I’m screwed. Doyoung’s not even here. What do I tell him? And my parents? Oh god…” My eyes raise back to Jungwoo. “Jungwoo, I’m so dead.”

-

I avoid video calls with Doyoung for the next week and half and the guilt was skyrocketing in my stomach up my throat. The day before yesterday I had finally gotten in to see a doctor and she confirmed what the test result said, and I had an ultrasound and to say I was overwhelmed was an understatement.

The picture of the baby, mine and Doyoung’s baby, lied on my desk and I bite my lip. I was up earlier than usual but I was still tired. It was the thoughts of Doyoung not being aware of this life changing event that wouldn’t let me sleep.

I lift my phone up pulling up his contact hitting the facetime call and it goes through. He would still be up at this time since it wasn’t too late over there. He answers after the second ring. He appears to be in his pajamas and has his retainer in.

“Hey.” He smiles softly with a small lisp due to the metal against his teeth.

Just say it, Yujin, blurt it out. He should know he’s going to be a father.

I open my mouth but pause as his head turns to someone off screen. He wasn’t alone.

“Is someone there with you?” I question him.

He turns back to me as he nods. “Mm, I’m in Chicago. I’m staying at a friend’s house this weekend.” He moves the camera and two males come into view, both waving.

“Nice to meet you!” One speaks up first. “I’m Johnny.”

“I’m Mark!” The other grins.

“Hello, I’m Yujin.” I mumble back.

“She’s pretty, Doyoung.” Johnny compliments me. “Too pretty for you!”

Doyoung scoffs and some friendly banter goes on between them and just seeing the smile on Doyoung’s face has my stomach sinking. How could I drop the news on him in this situation? I couldn’t possibly ruin his weekend with his friends.

Doyoung returns the camera back to himself and he smiles, “I missed you, we haven’t video chatted in a bit.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just been really busy lately.” My eyes dart over to the ultrasound image and then back to him.

“Did you call just because you missed me?” He chuckles and I bite my lip. No. It wasn’t only just because I missed you, Doyoung. I have your baby growing in my womb as we speak and I’m not sure how exactly to break it to you.

“Yes.” Tears prick at my eyes, but I quickly blink them away. “I’m sorry Doyoung, I have to go.”

His smile falls into a frown. “Why so soon?”

“Go back to your friends. I’ll talk to you later.” I hang up quickly putting my phone on silent.

I move to lie down on my bed curling up into my comforter as I cry to myself. A baby would ruin his life, wouldn’t it? Would he even want it?

Slowly I rest my hand on my stomach, even though I was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life, I felt a connection to the baby growing in my womb. It was mine and Doyoung’s baby and it was here with me when Doyoung couldn’t be. A sense of calmness falls over me at the realization.

But that calmness is quickly eaten away by anxiety. I still had to tell my parents.

-

A few more weeks pass by and during those weeks I avoid speaking with Doyoung entirely. I felt like it had grown more and more obvious that I was pregnant in the last few weeks, so I was nervous to be on call with him.

I was around six months today and my mom was coming to visit. Today was the day I was supposed to find out the gender of the baby and I figured it was now or never to tell my mother as well. But first, I had come to the conclusion that I have to break up with Doyoung.

My heart aches in my chest at the thought but I didn’t feel like I should string him along anymore. I was never going to tell him about what was happening. I couldn’t be the reason he had to come home. He was going to college over there and seemed so happy and his family was all over there too.

I had to let him go. That way I could maybe feel less depressed over this whole thing. There were still 3 years left of college and that meant 3 years of not seeing him. So, it was for the better.

I try and compose myself as I bring up his contact. I hit call avoiding a facetime call this time. It only takes one ring before he’s answering.

“Hello?” His voice seems shaky, like he was nervous. Maybe he could tell that things weren’t going well between us? I mean I hadn’t exactly been discreet about it for sure.

“Hi.” I say my voice small.

There’s a brief silence on his side before he’s taking a breath. “You’ve been avoiding me; have I done something wrong?”

I move the phone away from my lips taking a breath myself. “No, Doyoung, you haven’t.”

“Clearly, I have, Yujin. You won’t even let me see your face.” His voice cracks. “Just tell me.”

“Doyoung.” I hum back.

“Please, at least let me see your face.”

I take a breath trying to compose myself before I hit the facetime button on my phone. He’s in his room and his eyes look red. Has he been crying? I felt terrible.

“There must be a reason you called me.” He lowers his head. “Since you never do anymore.”

I lower my head, “Yeah, there is a reason.”

I see him noticeably swallow, “What is it?”

God it was so much harder to say it now that I could see his reaction to it. There’s a brief period of silence before I look at him again.

“I think we should break up.” His head lowers at my words, eyes even redder than before, he looks back up at me.

His jaw tightens at my words, he was trying his hardest not to cry. “I wish I could say that I didn’t see this coming.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Can I at least know why?” His lower lip quivers as he talks, his hand runs through his hair as he miserably fails at hiding his emotions.

Because I don’t want to ruin your life.

A knock sounds on my door and I quickly glance over my shoulder. My mom was here.

“Is there someone el-?”

“I’m sorry I have to go.” I quickly hang up on him and guilt instantly smacks me in the gut. My door opens as my mother steps in. I move to Doyoung’s contact quickly blocking his number before taking a deep breath.

“Hey honey!” My mom coos.

Tears spill from my eyes as I sit my phone down. I turn in my chair towards my mom and she’s instantly worried.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just broke up with Doyoung.” I burst out crying and it’s probably the worst I’ve cried in my entire life. I was trembling and it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“What happened? I thought things were well between you two?” Her eyes are wide as she comes closer.

“I-I-I’m pregnant.” I say between sobs and my mom halts her movements.

“Ahn Yujin!” She gasps. “Did you cheat on Doyoung?”

I sob even more. “No. It’s Doyoung’s baby, I’m six months today.”

“Oh my god, Yujin. Why are you just now telling me this?” She comes forward holding my face in her hands.

“I’m sorry mom, I’m so sorry!” I wail as she pulls me into her chest.

“Shh.” She hums. “Everything’ll be okay.”

After around ten minutes of crying, I begin to calm down. She pulls back smoothing my hair out of my face. “Did Doyoung not take the news well?”

“I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He’s so happy over there, so I decided to let him go.” I sniffle wiping at my eyes.

She sighs, “Oh dear, I’m sorry.”

-

At the doctor’s office I hold my mom’s hand as the lady presses the transducer to my abdomen and almost instantly I can hear my baby’s heartbeat. Tears form in the corners of my eyes. The doctor hums, “Ah,” She pauses on a place on my abdomen glancing at me. “Do you see that there?” She juts her finger out towards the screen. “That’s the baby.”

My mom squeezes my hand, and I can’t help but cry softly even though I thought I had cried all the tears I had earlier today. She begins to move the transducer again until stopping, she juts her finger out again this time closer. “Looks like you’re having a boy.”

I smile softly at the thought. I hoped he looked like Doyoung.

-

-Present Day-

My mom comes into the living room as I set my laptop aside finally done with my work for the day. I notice there’s a scowl on her face, Dohwan is beside her a frown on his face. What had happened to those two on the ride home?

“What’s wrong?” I ask as Dohwan’s quickly running over to sit next to me.

“Ask him about his day.” My mom sighs sitting his backpack down. “I’m going to make him a snack.”

Once she’s gone Dohwan peers up at me. “Mommy.”

“What baby?” I smile softly down at him. My heart warms at his doe eyes. Gosh he really was the spitting image of Doyoung. I run my fingers through his neat black hair before pinching his cute little cheeks.

He bites his lip, “Why don’t I have a daddy?” He blinks up at me innocently. My stomach instantly sinks into my gut, I had a feeling I knew where this was going. “I asked grandma but all she did was ask me why I asked her that.”

“Why did you ask her that?”

“Everyone at school has one and Jun told me that I have to have a daddy to be here.” His brows were furrowed worriedly. “He said you and daddy were diforced.”

Any other time I would've corrected his mispronunciation of the word, but it didn't feel appropriate here.

I shake my head. “Jun is wrong. Alright sweetie.” I was never married to his father, so therefore we weren't divorced.

“So do I have a daddy?” His brown orbs sparkled at his own words.

“Of course, you do.” I brush his hair across his forehead.

“Is my daddy Uncle Jungwoo?” He pouts and I have to resist myself from reeling back at the words out of his mouth.

“No, of course, he isn’t.” I reply quickly. “Uncle Jungwoo is my best friend. You don’t look anything like him, right?”

He slowly nods. “Yeah, I don’t.”

I pat his hair down, “I know I haven’t told you this before, but you look just like your daddy.”

“Where is he then?” His eyes water and I felt sick.

“Your dad, he’s-well-he’s abroad right now.” I admit, I didn’t want to give him hope because I wasn’t sure we’d ever see his father again and even if we did, it didn’t guarantee anything. It’s been over five years since I last saw him in person. He could have a girlfriend, fiancée, or even be married himself. Or he may not want to be a father?

“Why won’t he come back to see me?” He pouts arms folding over his chest.

“Baby, he’s working.” My heart cracks even more when he starts full on crying.

“He doesn’t like me, does he?”

“No baby, it’s not like that. Don’t cry!” I quickly pull him into my side. “Right now, all you need is me, okay?”

-

After I’ve gotten Dohwan in bed I slouch back down on the couch feeling awful. My mom and dad sat in their usual seats, and they can’t help but send me sad smiles themselves.

“I don’t know how I’m going to dance around it. I hate seeing him cry but I also don’t want to lie to him.” I run a hand through my hair. “But the odds of Doyoung ever being in his life aren’t good.”

My mom sits up in her seat before glancing at my dad. “I got a message from Namjoo today.”

My eyes whip towards her. Namjoo was Doyoung’s mom. “What did she say?” My heart lurches in my chest.

“She wants to meet up for lunch with me, to catch up.” Her eyes watch me. His mom was back in Korea? “I guess she’s back, I’m not sure for how long?”

“What did you say?” I swallow thickly.

“I agreed to meet. We’re having lunch at Kun’s restaurant tomorrow.”

“Please don’t mention anything about Dohwan, mom.” My hands join pleading towards her. “Doyoung shouldn’t have to hear it from anyone else but me.”

She slowly nods her head. “I know. It’s not my business to tell anyways. However, I won’t be hiding the fact that I have a grandchild. There’s no way it won’t slip out.”

Nervousness flows through my body. If his mom knew I had a child she’d inevitably tell Doyoung when she got back to the States.

Tomorrow, I reluctantly find myself at Kun’s restaurant due to the fact that we were riding together to pick up our kids. Since my mom couldn’t pick up Dohwan from school on her way home from work I had to. I had no car and Kun did, so it was easiest to ride with him.

Qian Kun and I had met through his wife Lihua at college. She was also pregnant with their first child at the same time I was with Dohwan. So, we bonded through that. It was nice to go through it together.

Jungwoo had been a good friend and offered but I knew he didn’t get off work in time to pick him up. I knew he’d leave early if it meant helping me out, but I didn’t want him to make a habit out of it, so I’d messaged Kun last night to make sure it was alright to ride with him and of course, it was. But Jungwoo said he’d be here as soon as possible to pick me up since Doyoung’s mom would also be here.

I sat in the back of the restaurant whilst Kun cooked. Lihua was beside him heavily pregnant with their second child. I smile softly at their cute dynamics at their place of work. My eyes trail from the happy couple to the door to the main area where my mom sat with Doyoung’s mom. Eventually I’d have to walk out, and she’d see me. She’d no doubt stop me to speak with me and I didn't quite know if I was ready for that yet.

An alarm goes off and I jerk pulling my phone out. I glance up at Kun and Lihua, “We need to get going, Kun.”

Kun glances at me before nodding. He presses a kiss to Lihua’s cheek before heading back to the sink. I wave goodbye to Lihua before heading out into the main area.

Immediately I hear someone gasp, “Ahn Yujin!” I hear Doyoung’s mom gasp. I let out a small sigh glancing in her direction. “Oh my! You’ve grown so much!” I smile towards her.

“Hello, how are you?” I reluctantly come towards there table.

“I’ve been great, and you?”

“Oh same.” I lie glancing at my mom who shakes her head denying my statement, but his mom thankfully doesn’t notice.

“Come sit.” His mom gestures to the seat beside my mom. “I’d love to catch up!”

I awkwardly scratch at my neck. “Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t. I have to pick up my son.”

Her eyes widen as they dart to my mom like she was just hearing this information. “S-son?”

“Yeah. If you’ll excuse me.” I gesture over my shoulder awkwardly.

I quickly step outside letting out a long sigh. Of course, my mom would decide against bringing Dohwan up even though she said she would be last night.

“Yujin?” A voice startles me but I immediately freeze. That voice, it couldn't be. I quickly turn and my eyes widen at Doyoung’s sudden appearance.

“It is you.” His doe eyes were widened mimicking Dohwan’s eyes.

What the hell was he doing back here? My heart catches in my chest as my eyes fall down his figure. He has gotten older but not in a bad way. I didn’t think it was possible he could get more attractive. I tear my eyes from him and stare at the grey of the concrete. I shouldn't have come to the restaurant today. Our meeting could only bring me sadness.

I don’t say anything because frankly I don’t know what to say. The door behind me opens and Kun steps out. He glances between us doing a double take towards Doyoung. I’m sure he notices the resemblances between him and Dohwan.

Kun clears his throat, “Yujin, if we don’t leave now, we’ll be late picking up the kids.”

I blink turning towards him. “Right. Sorry.” I glance back at Doyoung. “I'm sorry, but I have to go.” I have never run away so fast from someone in my entire life.

I quickly slip into Kun’s car and he’s doing the same on the oppo