Entry 7

𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐫 || 𝐎𝐡 𝐌𝐲 𝐆𝐢𝐫𝐥 (𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝟏)
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Soon, she got to know that Mihyun hadn't talked to Jiho and she wasn't planning to. She wasn't sure what Yewon had told her to convince her or how much she had begged her or even threatened her but she didn't really care. It didn't make things better that Jiho didn't know. In fact… it made things awkward. Because Jiho was determined to spend more time with Yoobin and make it up to her which meant… that they were hanging out too often. Yoobin had to face Jiho everyday again, and for many hours which made it hard for her. She couldn't look at her in the face, not for too long at least. She didn't feel right. She actually felt like exploding. Like telling her the truth at any moment. And when Jiho invited her on group hangouts with the team and her girlfriend, she felt even more awkward. Mihyun and her weren't as close as they used to be. Mihyun was visibly awkward and sometimes even slightly mean while Yoobin was visibly quiet. Jiho had asked them once what had happened but they had just said they were tired. It didn't explain their whole relationship in general but Jiho bought it for that time. 

 

That time, it was one of those times. Where Jiho had invited Yoobin to hangout with her team. They had all finished practicing and they were now playing around, having some music and ordered some food at the already messy gym of their campus. Everyone was talking loudly with each other as some of them challenged each other to do weird and silly stuff. Loud laughter could be heard as they all laughed at their silly mess. Jiho wrapped her arm loosely around Yoobin’s shoulder and laughed. But Yoobin didn’t. She only formed a small smile. It was hard to laugh or even pretend to laugh. All she could feel was her guilt, eating her alive. Jiho looked the happiest in her life and Yoobin was being a traitor, hurting her without her even knowing it! She felt awful. 

 

“Ok your turn Yoobin ah! Tell us two truths and a lie!” Hyojung said. 

 

“That’s not going to be fun. Yoobin doesn’t know how to lie!” Seunghee grumbled. Yoobin just nodded her head shortly, agreeing with a hum at Seunghee’s words. Mostly because she couldn’t think of anything funny or enjoyable to say rather than the fact that she wasn’t good at lying. After all, her mind was stuck to her guilt and the scene of her and Yewon kissing and Mihyun and Shiah catching them in the act. 

 

“Come on! Let her try!” Hyojung protested and hit Seunghee on her shoulder. Seunghee growled in pain and Hyojung ignored her, turning her attention back to Yoobin. Those two were always like this. Sometimes it was hard to believe that they were a couple, but then you remembered how cute and caring they were with each other so… you couldn’t just not see them as a couple. 

 

Yoobin cleared and lowered her head, trying to think of something. 

 

“I’ve never been to Paris but I really really want to go there. I… had never cut my hair short and… I betrayed a friend…” She said and lowered her head in guilt. She wasn’t even sure why she said the last part but it was all that her mind could think of. She could feel eyes on her, specifically eyes coming from near her. Yewon was staring at her hard, obviously wanting to scold her for saying that but Yoobin couldn’t bear to face anyone. Silence fell on the group of friends as the girls tried to think hard of which was the lie, why it was that or why, how and when Yoobin had betrayed a friend. 

 

“Ok wait because I got confused. The cutting your hair short part is obviously the lie because even if we weren’t that close before, I’ve seen you around college or with Jiho and you definitely had short hair. It’s the only hair I remember on you actually. But it can’t be the only lie, right? Is it two lies and a truth? Or are those all lies? What’s going on?” Seunghee said, totally confused. She moved her head, her hands and eyebrows as she talked and tried to understand but ended up groaning totally confused. 

 

“No, I think it’s two truths and a lie. That’s the game we’ve been playing so far at least so it has to be that, right? It only makes sense…” Shiah said, getting carried away by the game instead of trying to cover up Yoobin’s careless truth for that game. Mihyun nudged her shoulder and glared at her and Shiah immediately nuzzled by her side, pouting and shutting immediately. 

 

“Then… which friend have you betrayed? We’ve been best friends ever since we were littles but I can’t remember anyone. You are on good terms with everyone pretty much or at least stopped talking to them because school was over so you didn’t have to see them anymore and… who is it?” Jiho asked, totally confused and curious. 

 

“She probably meant Mihyun since those two seem awkward lately.” Yewon said, trying to cover up Yoobin. Yoobin didn’t even want things to be covered up anymore though… 

 

“She didn't. I mean I don’t know if she meant me but she hasn't betrayed me. And we’re not awkward. It’s just a small misunderstanding about something silly about college. Nothing to worry about.” Mihyun tried to defend her weird and distant relationship with Yoobin. Yewon sighed. This didn’t help because on the one hand Mihyun wanted her relationship with Yoobin to look like how it was before to Jiho but on the other hand this meant that Yoobin didn’t have a cover up for the thing she had just said. 

 

“Oh ok. I just made a guess.” Yewon said. 

 

“Agh! Guess or not now I’m curious and only Yoobin herself can tell us! We can’t guess. Please tell us!” Seunghee said. Yoobin tangled her fingers together, trying to ease her anxiety. 

 

“It… doesn’t really matter. It’s nothing that can be fixed somehow. I’m ok now, this story doesn’t even matter, it's old and we weren't even that close. I just said the first thing that came to my mind, so…” Yoobin tried to explain, trying to sound as casual as she could, as if she was talking about something not important at all. 

 

“Still… I can’t remember a friend that you betrayed at all. How did it happen? What did you do?” Jiho asked. Yoobin only shook her head. 

 

“It’s… I don’t even remember, I guess…” She whispered the last part. The girls stared at her for a few seconds, waiting for her to say something more but Yoobin only stayed quiet. Her answers were short and very vague so the girls realised it wasn’t a topic she wanted to talk about and they couldn’t make her talk about it that easily it seemed as well… so they let it be and moved on, playing for a bit more. 

 

As the time passed by though, Yoobin got more and more lost in her own feelings. Now she even lied to Jiho and her friends. She was becoming someone really awful. Someone so unlike her… she felt so bad and guilty about that. It was unbearable. She stood up from her seat at some point and headed towards the restroom having the need for some fresh air and away from Jiho. The girls didn’t really pay attention to her but when Jiho asked her where she was going she just mumbled “restroom” and left with no more questions. 

 

The moment she got in the restrooms, she placed her hands on the sink and breathed in heavily. She let out a puff and almost felt like collapsing by how unstable her hands and legs felt suddenly. Her legs felt like jellies, in fact. She almost gave in, felt her legs benting and giving up, she saw herself getting nearer to the sink and the floor but suddenly… someone’s hands were wrapped tightly around her waist and stabilized her, preventing her from falling. 

 

She didn’t even need to look for the person’s face to know who it was. She could already tell by the smell and touch. She didn’t feel proud of how familiar she was with that person but she couldn’t help it. Things were getting out of her control after all… 

 

Yewon helped her splash some water on her face and find her full consciousness.

 

“Are you ok unnie?” 

 

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just go back to the girls."

 

"You don't look too well."

 

"I'm as fine as someone who betrayed their best friend can be."

 

"Why did you say that back there, really? I wanted to ask you that." Yewon asked her seriously and stared at her through the mirror. 

 

"Because I'm tired, Yewon. I want her to know the truth. I can't hide it anymore. I don't feel good lying or hiding things from her. Especially something like that!"

 

"You hid the fact that you liked me pretty well from her for a long time now I think." Yewon said and smirked as she crossed her arms to her chest. Yoobin groaned. 

 

"I wasn't supposed to, ok? I kept denying it to myself. But this can't go on. You can't be here either. As what are you here really? As a friend? Come on, let's be serious and real here. You're acting exactly like you're in a relationship with me. And I told you we can't! We can't be together so stop doing this! Stop caring about me and stop following me around!" 

 

"Fine! I'll do as you please. Just promise me you won't tell her."

 

"No."

 

"If you do, you'll lose her."

 

"I prefer losing her rather than being fake!"

 

"Trust me, you don't want to lose her. You guys have been friends since babies. You can't bear to lose her and she can't bear to lose you either." Yoobin teared up as she shook her head.

 

"No. No. Stop. Don't make me feel worse than I already am. Gosh! I betrayed my very own best friend! How could I do this to her?" Yoobin whined and a silent sob followed. Yewon wrapped her arms around her but Yoobin pushed her away, hurting Yewon's feelings twice in a very small amount of time. 

 

"Leave me alone!" Yoobin said and was about to leave. 

 

"Promise me you won't tell her!"

 

"I can't… even if I want to…" Yoobin mumbled and rushed outside. She never returned back to the group that night… 

 

___





 

Ever since that incident at the restrooms, Yewon had returned back to her cold self. Back to trying to make Yoobin jealous. Fortunately it wasn't that intense as before but Yewon was obviously playing. Playing with both of them because she couldn't choose. Because she wanted Yoobin but she couldn't have her while one the other hand, she had Jiho, a girl she liked a lot but not someone she loved wholeheartedly. 

 

Yoobin was depressed. As days passed by, she became more and more numb, sad and depressed. The guilt had eaten her alive, to a point that it almost felt like she didn't care. She had become numb and even though she wanted to care and cared, she was so hurt that she couldn't bear herself to care. She felt guilty but it was something she was used to so it didn't bother her anymore. She was used to the pain, used to the guilt, used to everything in this ed up situation. She just wanted to be over with college and leave… 

 

She was so numb and unbothered to a point that she didn't feel like herself anymore. She did things her normal self would never do. She acted so unlike her, she spoke so unlike her. 

 

One day, she found herself at a hair salon, getting a new haircut and hairstyle for herself. But not because it was something she wanted to do for a long time but mostly because she wanted to make a change for herself and something that would suit her new style an

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