Note that this is only fiction, and in no way represent any real life situation.

 

 

You remember, she was the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen, her eyes twinkling as she had that eye smile that you had loved the most, her smiles immediately being the light upon your ottherwise grumpy day, and you remember how she used to smile like nothing was wrong in the world.

 

Hindi mo naman alam na maskara lang naman pala ang lahat ng iyon, and you hate how you feel like you’re just a bystander in her tale that ended too abruptly.

 

Bakit ganun?

 

Nagsisimula pa lang akong mahalin ka.

 

How can I not notice how the light in your eyes had dulled down to nothing? How your smiles disappeared every single day?

 

Bakit hindi ko napansin na unti-unti ka nang nauubos?

 

She was your sunrise, the thing you had always looked forward to upon waking up, at siya ang dahilan kung bakit ka laging naeexcite na pumasok sa eskwela kahit na minsan ay nababagot ka lamang sa mga tinuturo at lagi kang target ng mga professor ng course niyo, but you never fail to make her laugh by your foolish antics, and there was a time that you even landed in detention just to make her happy.

 

Hindi pa pala sapat iyon.

How can you not notice all these little signs? Nabulag ka sa pag-iisip na isa siyang perpektong babae, na wala siyang pinoproblemang kahit ano, because for you she seemed perfect—too perfect for you, too perfect for everyone, and you regretted never approaching her because of her perfection to the point of intimidation, na nakuntento ka nalang sa pagsilip sa malayo, sa tahimik na panonood sa kanyang ngumiti at pagaanin ang araw mo kahit na hindi niya alam.

 

You lost her to the life you didn’t know she was living, to the life na pilit niyang itinago sa iba, dahil sa likod ng tila perpekto niyang buhay ay nakatago ang parents niyang overbearing, ang expectations na mabigat na nakapasan sa likod niya, sa mga rumors na kumakalat sa eskwelahan na kaya lang naman daw siya nasa top ng school ay dahil sa parents niyang may influence sa lahat.

 

Nakakagalit.

 

Kung hindi ka lang pinigilan ng sarili mong hiya ay susugurin mo talaga ang mga magulang niya at kahit isang sapak lamang ay ibibigay mo sa tatay nito, dahil sinong magulang ang hahayaang mabuhay ang anak niya ng ganon?

 

And now that she’s gone… hindi mo maiwasang magalit pa lalo dahil kita mo ang pagluluksa nila, ang pag-iyak nilang alam mong lahat ay peke, dahil una pa lamang ay hindi na nila minahal ang anak nila.

 

If they loved her, then why would they let her live full of pain and anger and sadness upon the otherwise beautiful life she wanted to have?

 

And now they’re receving consoling greetings from the people, even posing discreetly upon the press arriving at the scene, at alam mong sa ilang sandali pa ay maiimpluwensyahan nanaman ng mag-asawang ito ang media na nagkasakit lamang ang anak nila—dahil para sa kanila, malaking kahihiyan ang ginawa ng anak nila.

 

You hate how they would erase the true meaning behind her death; that they were incompetent, na hindi nila nagawang bigyan ang anak nila ng buhay na deserve nito.

 

So with the tears threatening to spring out from your eyes, nagwalkout ka kahit na hindi napansin ng iba mong mga kaklase ang ginawa mong pagdadabog palabas ng funeral home, and you run away as far as you can, for you can’t bear to see her inside that coffin… hindi mo kakayanin.

 

That’s why you stayed out of the main hall at hinintay mo na lamang ang ilang mga kaibigan mo na sulyapan siya, for as selfish as you are, you would like her to be remembered in your mind as the woman who’s always happy, dahil at least sa isip mo masaya siya… even if it isn’t really the truth.

 

“You’re that girl, right?” tanong ng isang babaeng biglang lumapit sa’yo na mayroong maliit na ngiti sa labi, and you immediately recognize her, dahil halos magkamukha sila ng kapatid niya—except that she seems more cold, more like her unhappy counterpart, but beautiful nonetheless—pero mas maganda pa rin siya.

 

Of course, you’re smitten with her. Of course she’ll be the most beautiful woman in your eyes.

 

So why is this girl moving closer towards you—

 

She suddenly handed you a book, specifically a hardbound journal na mukhang nilumaan na ng panahon, and somehow it feels so familiar to you, and you look at her expectantly, dahil kahit na familiar sa’yo ang hawak mo ngayon ay hindi mo pa rin alam kung ano ba talaga ang bagay na ito.

 

“That’s her journal, Ate… and she tells me she writes all of the good things that had happened to her these past few years… and a few of them note of you.” Sagot niya, at nanlaki naman ang mga mata mo sa narinig mo sa kanya, dahil… dahil laman ka ng journal niya? And she even noted of you as a good thing.

 

“That’s the last bits of her real self I was able to steal from our parents… dahil alam kong buburahin nila ang kahit anong sign or kahit anong trace na she died because of them… because of how they treated her, at ayokong mawala ang tunay na meaning ni Ate… na she’s a beautiful soul… living under a painful life.” Sagot ng babae, and with that she left, leaving you alone with the cold wind accompanying you, and in the first breath you take after holding it for so long…

 

You open the journal with such shaky fingers, due to the cold and to the nervousness you have upon seeing your name upon her pages, upon a piece of her, and silently… you read the first page.

 

Entry One

Today I saw you staring at me for the first time, at alam kong sa akin ka nakatingin dahil ang kada galaw ko ay sinusundan ng mga mata mo. I’m used to people staring, but why do I feel like your stares at different? There must be something special about you, and something special about me, even though I don’t see it in myself.

Now I wanna see myself in your eyes, I wanna know what you think of me while you’re staring at me like that, nacucurious ako kung ano ba ang nakikita mo sa akin kung bakit ganyan ka makatingin—na para bang ang ganda ganda ko, na para bang mahal na mahal mo ako… even if we’re complete strangers.

Sana lapitan mo naman ako, gusto pa kitang makilala…

Before it’s too late, please, have the courage. Dahil alam ko sa sarili kong hindi kita iaapproach, dahil binibilangan ko na rin ang sarili ko.

 

You widen your eyes as you read those words, at hindi mo maiwasan ang maluha dahil sa mga binasa mo, and because you’ve always dreamed to be with her… and binigyan ka na pala niya ng chance, unknowingly, pero hindi mo alam iyon dahil naging torpe ka.

 

Bakit ba kasi hindi mo tinapangan? Why didn’t you take the jump?

 

Nasa huli nga talaga ang pagsisisi. And you can’t help but blame yourself. Paano kung tinapangan mo? What if you’re the anchor she had been waiting for, paano kung nagpakilala ka at kinaya mong baguhin ang isip niya? Would everything still be like this if you had taken the risk and jumped into the unknown, with her?

 

Entry Fourteen

I find myself looking for you everywhere, at kahit sinabi na sakin ni Erin na magkaiba talaga tayo ng mundo, na you would be too intimidated by me, wala na akong pakielam. I’m just living on free time, so bakit hindi ko pa sagarin?

Mali. Torpe din kasi ako, at inaamin ko iyon. Pero gusto talaga kitang iapproach, mystery girl… kaso ayaw ko naman na makilala kita, and then you’ll find yourself alone because I know in myself that I’ll soon leave, dahil kahit ikaw… even if you have the courage and approach me, even if I like you now even from afar, hinding hindi na magbabago ang isip ko, and I’d rather that we stay as strangers rather than you be a part of my life and a part of the people that would hurt when I leave.

Gusto kong maiwan sa’yo ang alaalang lagi akong masaya, because I want you to be happy with the happy memories that I would leave to you. Never mind the dark sides that I have; sa akin na lamang iyon, because I want my image to be forever perfect in your eyes, dahil alam kong yun ang nasa isip mo.

Let me only be the perfect and beautiful and happy Elise in your eyes, because I want you to be happy, even in the days that I wouldn’t be there anymore.

 

And that’s the answer you were looking for, written clumsily upon the fourteenth entry of this journal that she has, and by that… you know that nothing would have changed. Wala palang magbabago, so bakit hindi mo pa tinalon? She was wrong, in all of the things she wrote in this entry; dahil mas gugustuhin mo pang magkaroon ng memory na kasama siya kaysa maging isang bystander lang sa mundo niya—and you want to give her happy memories before she goes.

 

Even if it hurts.

 

Even if it would kill you to share those memories with her, even if the perfect image you have of her would be broken, even if your life would get derailed upon her death na hinding hindi mo mapipigilan kahit na magrisk ka na magtake ng chance sa kanya… truly, what a masochist you are.

 

Now you’re wondering… what was her last memories before she decided to go? Is it a happy one? A sad one? An angry one?

 

But she wouldn’t be here to answer that question of yours, right? So you just continue to read all of her entries while the cold of the night hugs you like it was her, like she was here with you na nagbabasa rin ng mga isinulat niya sa journal na hawak mo ngayon, and you badly wish that this was the case; na sana magkasama pa kayo ngayon.

 

Entry Thirty

Nalalapit na… may bilog pa sa kalendaryo ko.

My parents think it must be some event that they would always miss, at si Erin nanaman ang makikita kong relative ko sa audience… God bless her soul, for she had been one of my strengths, kahit na alam na ata niya ang plano kong gawin, but I always wonder why she doesn’t make any effort to stop me, for sometimes I catch her staring at that certain date, circled with red, pero hindi naman siya nagtatanong, and she does know I won’t answer her questions about that.

But anyways… you’re running out of chances, mystery girl. I still catch you staring at me, I still catch your eyes hesitating as if you are evaluating if you would approach me or not, and everyday I wait… pero parang hindi na ata dadating ang araw na makikita kitang lumapit sa akin, na somehow… somehow I’ve been looking forward to you asking me for a date.

Two days. Dalawang araw na lang…

I’ll be able to go to paradise.

I’ll be waiting for you in that paradise, my love.

Kahit gaano pa katagal.

 

Damn. So this was… two days?

 

Two days before she…

 

Umiling ka dahil ayaw mong isipin ang bagay na iyon, not when you have this treasured thing upon your hands, and slowly… you flip the page after that, only to find nothing. Only a blank page.

 

Your tears fall down upon those white blanks, your grip upon the journal almost tearing it apart pero pinigilan mo ang sarili mo, dahil eto na ata ang magiging pinakatreasured na bagay mo sa buong buhay mo, and you’ll protect this thing with all your life… because you couldn’t protect her.

 

You close the journal, holding it upon your hand as you know that this is a piece of her that is especially for you, because now… now you see yourself through her eyes, even if it’s just for a short time. Even if it is for a short time… alam mong siya pa rin.

 

I wasn’t able to save you from your end. From losing yourself.

 

I’ll have to pester Erin about you still, dahil ang dami ko pang gustong malaman tungkol sa’yo.

 

Even if I’m just starting to realize this, even if it is already too late…

 

Mahal na mahal kita, Elise.

 

Me, Avera… loves you so much.

 

And now that I know that it’s mutual… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone else than you… pasensya na, hindi ko ata kakayanin na makita ka sa loob. And I’m sorry if I can’t have the strength to go see the last of funeral rites, my love… dahil susunod talaga ako sa’yo, and I think you’d want me to live life still, even if you’re not around.

 

Hintayin mo ako sa iyong paraiso, aking Elise…

 

Pangako, ikaw lamang ang iibigin ko… hanggang sa walang hanggan.

 

 

 

Author's note:

 

To the people who face such demons and hardship every day and still emerge victorious, i am forever proud of you for being so strong even with the presence of hardship that continue to try to bring you down. thank you for being so strong... kung wala pang nagsasabi sa inyo ng ganito, then here i am... i am proud and happy that you're still here, fighting.