A/N: Hello, proceed with caution: the saga of me being evil continues. Just a warning.

Also, Hanbin isn't really the nicest in this one (he's just a little desperate, try to understand), but, really Seungyoon isn't either. Please, why are they so stupid in this story. And poor Hanbin doesn't remember anything, so.

Ah, we're back from Hanbin's point of view.

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khb - january 2019

From: Seungyoon
 
I guess this is a goodbye. See you around, Kim Hanbin
 
He looked at the message once again, leaning further back into his hiding spot; he had to admit it, he was utterly enraged, he couldn’t believe he was trying to put an end to everything they ever had with a text message. If he’d done something that night that could possibly have disrupted their relationship, he wanted to know. Hell, he deserved to know, he wasn’t going to accept to be thrown in the dirt just like that. He didn’t give a damn if Seungyoon didn’t love him back, he didn’t expect anything more from him, but he wasn’t going to lose him as a friend, too, just because of something he didn’t even remember doing.
 
He really didn’t understand; one moment they were having one of their usual conversations, and the other the older was telling him that they couldn’t see each other ever again, and he was expecting him to believe he hadn’t done anything stupid? And he’d even told him that he wanted him to be happy! Well, big shocker, he couldn’t be happy without him in his life; and, yes, it was corny and stupid, but—cutting someone off like that was not something people did, not something they could do. He wasn’t going to allow him to push him away, he’d tried before, and he’d always failed. He wasn’t going to let him win, this time.
 
Hearing steps approaching, he held his breath and waited; as soon as the person was close enough, he leapt forward and grabbed his wrist, dragging him in the supply closet that had been circling them since the beginning.

He harshly pushed him away from the door, making sure he couldn’t even try to escape; he knew there were probably better ways to try to talk to him, but trying to contact him via text was impossible, since he’d blocked his contact. That was a childish behaviour, from his point of view, and he really didn’t like people who didn’t take responsibility for their actions; if he had something to tell him, he wanted him to tell him in person.
 
“What the  are you doing?” the time when seeing Seungyoon angry actually surprised him was long gone, and now, it was easy to face him even in such a situation; mostly because he wasn’t the only one who was pissed.
 
The older was frowning at him, however, his eyes didn’t match his expression; he wasn’t glaring, in his eyes there wasn’t anything at all, they were empty. That sight made him uneasy, but he decided to keep going, because he couldn’t stand not knowing what had happen and what had driven him further away than he already was.
 
“Maybe I should be the one asking that question. What’s with that ‘see you around’? Do you think you can decide for me?” the other didn’t answer, he just kept blinking back at him, almost as if he couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong, and that didn’t help him calm down at all; he didn’t tear his eyes away from him, he wasn’t going to show him that he wasn’t strong enough to face him at all, even though he pretended he was fine.
 
He was tired of it all; he was tired of him trying to push him away, he was tired of hearing that he was doing it for him. He was tired of loving him, because it hurt, it hurt so much he sometimes thought he was dying, but that didn’t mean he could stop.
 
He stepped closer to him, putting his hands on his shoulders and holding him securely in place; holding himself in place to find the courage to utter the words that had been running through his head for days. “You know what?” he started, his voice a mere whisper through his teeth, and he didn’t know if he still sounded angry or if he just seemed desperate. “I wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish I could just walk away like you did, I wish I didn’t care, because it would be easier. But I can’t erase you. I love you. I love you. I’m so in love with you sometimes it hurts even to think about it. Sometimes my feelings are so intense I don’t even know if I want to push you against a wall and kiss you until our lips are numb or I just want to hold your hand and watch you fall asleep. You can’t ask me to forget you, I won’t even try, I know I would waste my time,” he stopped to catch his breath, which he’d lost in his rush to say everything he’d meant to, afraid the words were going to escape from his grasp.
 
He tried to finish keeping his voice steady, knowing that it was about to break, his throat was burning. “So, please, tell me what I’ve done wrong,” he was startled when, instead of an answer, he sensed Seungyoon reach for him in the mid-darkness and clutch the front of his sweater; letting his shoulder go for a moment, he brushed his cheek with his fingers and felt the dampness of his skin, realising that he was crying.
 
He should’ve thought about it before he’d started speaking, but he’d been so enraged he couldn’t think clearly; he’d just thrown his feelings at his face, without thinking about the consequences, and he was aware that they weren’t all beautiful, and they were so fierce they could make him sick.
 
And, yet, he couldn’t understand: he was the one who’d told him to stay away from him, he was the one who’d told him to get over him, he was the one who didn’t want to see him ever again, and he shouldn’t have had a reason to cry. But, just like that, all the anger he’d been feeling disappeared into nothingness, changed into worry; he couldn’t stand to see him cry.
 
As he slowly circled Seungyoon’s waist with his arms and pulled him closer (but still far enough so there was space between their bodies; because he knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to have him pressed against himself), doubts started to fill his mind once again, those doubts he tried to ignore most of the time, telling himself that he was just fantasising and there was nothing there.
 
The older confused him tremendously, at times, to the point where he felt frustrated because he couldn’t understand. He knew it wasn’t the same it had been when he was in love with Jinhwan, where the latter would look at him like he was his anchor, someone he could always rely on, but clearly like he was just a best friend, a dongsaeng and, even though he’d always hated to admit it, he could feel it, he could feel that he would never be loved back.
 
With Seungyoon, it was different: he would tell him that he didn’t reciprocate his feelings, but, acted differently from the words he spoke, he would always come running back to him, like he needed him as much as Hanbin needed him. Sometimes he would catch him looking at him when he thought he couldn’t see him and there was be a glint of something he couldn’t identify in his eyes; he would always ask himself if that was the same way he looked at the older. And that was the reason why he couldn’t understand. He couldn’t understand why he would try to push him away constantly if he felt the same way, and so he kept telling himself that he’d probably imagined it.
 
“It’s my fault. I don’t want to hurt you, that’s why I’m telling you to stay away from me.” after a moment, Seungyoon answered his plea for an explanation between sobs, seemingly unable to hold his tears back; but that didn’t help him understand at all.
 
He didn’t know why the older didn’t comprehend that he was hurting him by avoiding him, by trying to block him out of his life completely, by lying to him and not telling him what was actually wrong. He didn’t need to pretend, and he wished he’d already understood it after all those years. “Don’t you realise that I can’t love you?” his voice broke as he murmured those words, looking at the ground in front of him, as if he was ashamed.
 
And, maybe, in that moment, everything clicked in the right place and Hanbin started to understand what had been wrong with it before. Because of the words the other had used: he hadn’t said ‘I don’t love you’, he’d said ‘I can’t love you’; just like that, he realised he was an idiot.
 
How could he have forgotten what he’d seen in his eyes that night, months before, before he stupidly revealed his secret to him and everything had started going downhill? His heart had been torn into shreds and couldn’t possibly be put back together. Perhaps, he would never be able to ever love again, and he’d never considered it, too selfishly focused on his own feelings to think about it. Maybe, he’d even thought that he would be able to recollect all his pieces and stitch them back together; he’d thought he would be the one saving him, and only now he realised how foolish that had been. “I’m sorry, Hanbin-ah—” was the last thing he said before loosening his grip on his sweater and slipping away from his arms, out of the door and away from his life once again; he didn’t try to follow him, he leaned back against the wall and looked at the ceiling.
 
Seungyoon was right. He needed to let him go; for how much it hurt to admit it, he had to, for both of them. Because he couldn’t keep dragging his feelings around or he would collapse, at some point, completely lose his sanity; he knew the way he’d been behaving those past months was dangerous and foolish, and he needed to get over himself.
 
That something that had started with him not meaning to reveal his feelings to the other had slowly turned into desperation, he was basically begging to be loved, forgetting completely who they were and which situation they were in. He couldn’t continue that way, because he wasn’t just breaking his own heart, he was damaging the older’s even more than it already was; that situation was way messier than he’d initially thought and he felt so stupid, now.
 
Maybe, now he understood why they couldn’t keep meeting each other: Seungyoon felt guilty because he couldn’t love him back and it made him suffer more than he could ever imagine. He had to put an end to all that, he really needed to. He needed to stop thinking about something as painful and distracting as love and continue being the leader his group deserved. They’d gotten where they were because he’d never given up, even when everything seemed to be against them and they felt hopeless, he’d never faltered, he’d kept walking forward and he’d kept fighting. They needed his complete attention and concentration, nothing extraneous could be worthy of being a distraction.
 
Probably, it was better if he forgot he was human at all and remembered that he had to be B.I before being Kim Hanbin, and that nothing was more important that his brothers; nothing. Not even a man with a blinding smile, sharp starry eyes, slender fingers, a voice that could get inside your bones and a broken heart; he couldn’t allow himself to love him anymore. He couldn’t allow himself to hurt him more than he’d already done, he couldn’t allow himself to keep being yet another weight on his shoulders.
 
He knew it perfectly; but that didn’t stop him from sliding down the wall until he hit the floor and letting silent tears he pretended weren’t there stream down his face. It didn’t stop him from asking himself over and over what he’d done that night, what had led Seungyoon to decide to get him out of his life because he couldn’t take it anymore.