A/N: This chapter is from Seungyoon's point of view, finally *eyes emoji*. Also, it's set during MBC Gayo daejeon 2019, but I'm just very sad to inform that I've seen fancams of the show and Hanbin disappeared with Minho at some point, so that's disappointing lol. 

P.S: The part in italics is a flashback.

- - -

ksy - new year's eve 2019

If someone had asked him how he wanted to start the new year, he highly doubted that was the answer he would’ve given them. Because ‘plastered against a wall in a backstage hallway where pretty much everyone from seven different companies can see me, with a really drunk Kim Hanbin whispering nonsense into my ear while obviously so pressed up against me I can barely breathe’ would’ve been a weirdly specific answer and he didn’t think that was something he’d ever thought he would find himself saying. Yet, it was exactly what was happening.
 
He was holding his arms around his shoulders, trying to keep him on his feet, fearing he would collapse if he dared let him go. At the same time, he was looking at the people passing by, smiling in the most awkward way possible, trying to make it seem like it was perfectly normal, but he could understand from the glances they were giving them, that they knew something was going on. They either seemed very amused or very concerned, and he couldn’t blame them.
 
He didn’t know what to feel either, because he was trying his best not to remind himself of what Hanbin was telling him. Not to remind himself that he felt a pang in his heart every time he whispered those words like he was the most precious thing in his life, his lips so close to his neck he could almost feel them graze his skin and it made him feel some kind of way.
 
That situation was terribly embarrassing and a long list of other adjectives he couldn’t even think of, and he wished he could just walk away, but he knew he couldn’t abandon the younger there by himself, not in the state he was in.
 
Reason why he should’ve been quite relieved when he spotted Minho, Bobby and Junhoe in the crowd evidently looking for them, with worried frowns upon their faces, because that’s what you do when both your leaders disappear into thin air and you don’t really know what to make out of it, but, instead, he panicked.
 
 He panicked and grabbed Hanbin’s hand, dragging him into the nearest room, which was luckily empty, as it would’ve been embarrassing to just waltz into someone’s changing room. In that precise moment, still holding the younger’s hand, he realised he might have been a little bit tipsy as well, because for no other reason he would’ve run away from his own bandmates. He also realised that being alone in a dark room with Hanbin wasn’t the best idea he could’ve had, it was probably the worst, especially when the other was too drunk for his own good and couldn’t stop whispering those words over and over, and it was driving him crazy. He was driving him crazy.
 
Shaking his head, and hoping that they hadn’t seen them walk in there, because it would’ve been difficult to explain why he’d escaped at the mere sight of them, as he didn’t really know it himself.
 
He guided Hanbin to the couch in the middle of the room, and flopped down on it, expecting him to sit down with him like a civil human being. Instead, the younger basically collapsed down, laying sideways on him, face-planting into his shoulder.
 
He half-gasped, asking himself what the universe had against him that night. He’d brought this on himself and he couldn’t deny it; after all, now that he realised it, he’d been the first to grab Hanbin’s hand and sneak away from the others, without even knowing why. He was acting completely different from the words he always spoke and he hated himself for it. Why was he so weak?
 
Looking down at the top of the younger’s head, he felt the need to hold him close, to kiss his hair and tell him—he didn’t even know what he wanted to tell him. He was starting to think he’d truly gone insane, because what he’d done was incredibly dangerous, the situation they were in was incredibly dangerous, but, at the same time, he didn’t want to move away. He’d been running long enough.
 
Out of sudden, Hanbin finally raised his head, probably realising that he hadn’t been able to hear a single word he’d said in the past two minutes. He swallowed nothing, feeling like he couldn’t breathe all of sudden. Maybe it had to do with how cute the younger looked in the dim light filtering from under the door, all flushed and confused because of the alcohol, his hair dishevelled in the most adorable way possible. His eyes were sparkling of a weird light, a light he knew he’d seen before, but wasn’t even sure where. Perhaps he’d just been looking at him like that for months and he was realising just now.
 
He couldn’t understand how someone like him had possibly fallen for someone like him, and it amazed him even more how he completely refused to let go, even after all those times he’d pushed him away, he was still with him. He should’ve left, but he hadn’t.
 
“I love you—” his soft whisper made him snap out of his thoughts, made him focus back on what he was saying and not on how close they were to each other, how he was just a breath away. He didn’t understand why his head was filled with all the thoughts he’d tried to push away for months, didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wished everything would just quiet down, but it wouldn’t. He didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t even know if he was supposed to answer.
 
After all, he’d already rejected him and doing it again wouldn’t change anything, would it? Maybe, he just wasn’t finding the courage to do it again, because he’d hurt him enough, already. He could still remember how he’d told him that he didn’t reciprocate his feelings the first time, how he’d been so taken aback he’d just basically told him that he didn’t believe him. Not that he could truly be blamed, the first moment those words had left his lips, he hadn’t been able to believe it for real, because he hadn’t seen any sign of it. Sure, then, he’d thought about it and had realised that the signs had been in front of his face all the damn time and he’d just refused to acknowledge that they were there.
 
He’d only wanted to give himself the chance to be happy for a while longer. He was tired of heartaches and heartbreaks. When he still didn’t know, he didn’t feel any heartache around him, and, although it was selfish, he wished he’d never told him. He still wanted to feel like he could tell him everything, he still wanted to hold him without feeling like he was feeling in that moment. Love always had to change everything, and it always ended in disaster. He’d learned it the hard way.
 
“Why are you so stubborn? You could have anyone, why do you want me?” Hanbin looked at him like he’d just told him that the sky was purple and made of porcupines, like he couldn’t understand the meaning at all; he seemed mildly offended and horrified at the mere thought. But it was the truth, after all.
 
He could’ve had anyone, because he was beautiful, he was kind, he was an amazing person. And, for some reason, he’d chosen him, someone who would never love him back. Someone with trust issues and that was terrified, terrified of getting too close to someone. There was no point in getting attached to someone who was going to leave him anyway. Everyone always left.
 
It seemed so easy to just stop loving him, to just forget him in the blink of an eye, and he was left with the pain and everything he hadn’t done or said. Hanbin was going to do the same, at some point, no matter how much he claimed he was never going to. Once he saw him for who he really was, he was going to leave him.
 
“But I don’t want anyone else. Just you,” he said it with that determination that was so characteristically his, and he couldn’t help but let his lips curl up into a smile. He didn’t even know how hearing him say those words made him feel. His heart had started to beat faster, and he knew it, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, he didn’t want to admit that, after all, he felt the same; and had probably had for a long time.
 
Before he could push those thoughts away once again, his gaze briefly landed on the younger’s lips and his mind short-circuited. He told himself that maybe, just once, he could let himself go. That maybe, just once, he wanted to know what it felt like to kiss him. He should’ve left, then, but, against his better judgment, he didn’t.
 
It didn’t matter, he told himself, because he was positive Hanbin wasn’t going to remember anything the next morning, because he was drunk, and he was drunk, and he didn’t even consider how egoistical those thoughts were and—it didn’t matter.
 
Seungyoon stopped thinking, and pushed himself forward, softly pressing his lips on the younger’s. He wished he could blame it on the alcohol, but he knew that would’ve been stupid. He’d admitted to himself once, he could do it again. He couldn’t love him. But he knew that he had feelings for him, or whatever they could be called, and his intoxication was only giving him the courage to do what he’d been aching to do for months.
 
He immediately pulled back, because he was still sober enough to understand that he couldn’t force the younger to do something he didn’t want to do, to kiss him without his consent. He could only see his eyes, fogged up and confused, and almost wished he could turn back time and cancel what he’d done.
 
Holding his breath, he waited for a reaction, scared he was the one who was going to be rejected, for some reason he couldn’t explain. Maybe he was only afraid that, trying not to break his own heart, he was going to get exactly what he was trying to avoid.
 
All his doubts faded away when Hanbin kissed him back, gingerly, sluggishly encircling his neck with his arms, entangling his fingers into his slightly longer-than-usual hair; it felt tentative, at first. As if the younger was afraid he would run away if he seemed too desperate, but, as Seungyoon’s hand fell to hold him by the waist, pulling him even closer, he seemed to gain more confidence.
 
He knew their teeth were clashing, and that neither of them truly seemed to know what was going on, but he didn’t care. Everything was filled with him, and he couldn’t get him out his head. And he felt like he’d lost his mind when they started giving each other more open kisses, and one of his hands found Hanbin’s cheek, holding his gently. Maybe he was afraid he would break him, if he wasn’t careful. Hurting him had always been between the things he feared the most, and he couldn’t deny it.
 
There were many things he couldn’t lie to himself about, in that moment: he couldn’t say that the younger’s lips didn’t feel softer than he’d imagined they would be, and he’d imagined it, more times he’d even realised. He couldn’t say kissing him didn’t make him feel good; because it did, so much he was slowly forgetting everything else. He didn’t need to worry, he realised. His eyes fluttered closed and he let an almost soundless and low moan escape his mouth.
 
For a moment, a single moment since a long time, he told himself that he was fine, that everything was fine, and he wasn’t scared. That he wasn’t scared of what the consequences would be, the consequences for having feelings for someone. He couldn’t say Hanbin was the first person he’d allowed himself to have feelings for, after what had happened with Taehyun, but he was the first one who mattered that damn much. With him, it was different, because they’ve known each other for a long time, and he didn’t want to ruin anything between them. He knew how he was, usually. If he realised he was starting to get too attached to someone, he started becoming cold and distant, and when they got tired of him and left, he just shrugged, and told himself that it didn’t matter. But it only worked when he didn’t know them thoroughly, he’d barely given himself time to learn about them.
 
And he felt like he knew every little thing about Hanbin. Everything. Every little piece of his heart, and it terrified him. It terrified him every second of his life, because he didn’t want him to leave. That was it, maybe. He’d loved him first as a friend, and those feelings he had for him were wrong, because they could only ruin what they had.
 
He didn’t want to hurt him, but he did. Every moment they spent together, he was hurting him; because the younger was in love with him, and he would never be able to reciprocate, and he felt like they both knew it. He’d selfishly kept him close, when he should’ve let him go. He’d kept him close because he didn’t want to lose him, but, maybe, he had to. There was a reason if he’d kept pushing him away, over and over, even though everything he’d always wanted to do was hold him into his arms and gently trace the lines of his face while he slept.
 
He was afraid. He was terrified of love. He was afraid of the way it changed things, it was afraid of the way it changed in itself. He’d learned that it could be something incredibly devastating, but both in the most beautiful and horrible way. Having simple feelings for someone was easier, but falling for someone you called your friend was difficult, it was terrifying. And he wasn’t sure it was something he wanted to repeat ever again. In the midst of all those thoughts he was trying to push away, one of them settled itself into his mind, one he couldn’t push away for how much he tried: ‘when was the last time you kissed someone who mattered this much?’
 
Truth be told, he didn’t even know. How many times had he allowed himself to get too attached to someone? How many times had he gotten hurt because of it, while pretending that he didn’t care? He’d lost count, and he didn’t want to know.
 
But, of course, everything he could remember was kissing people that were barely blurry faces, in his drunken state, because they’d walked out of his life before he could know them, before he could fall for them too deeply. After all, the last time he’d kissed someone he felt such a mess of emotions for, it’d been Taehyun. Of course, he was the only person he’d truly made the mistake of loving, thinking it could last.
 
It hit him completely, then. That he was kissing a wasted guy in a dark room, in such a dangerous place. That he was kissing someone who was supposed to be his friend, someone he’d never been supposed to love that way. He’d fallen too deeply, and it was already too late to swim back up. He tried to stop it, but a piece of a memory flashed before his eyes. The worst part was that he didn’t even know if the problem was him, or just himself.
 
“Do you really need to look at me like that?” he turned around all the way, facing the other boy, a sly grin opening on his face, happily observing a slight blush crawl along his cheekbones; he moved closer, gaining himself a glare from the younger.

“Do you really need to talk to me like that?” he asked, huffing out a breath, feigning annoyance, while in reality he was having a lot of fun, making harmless fun of him. “Anyway, I just can’t believe you actually slapped me in my sleep.” at that point, the other sat up and looked down at him, crossing his arms against his chest, almost as if he was offended by the fact that he’d brought up that.

“It was an accident, Seungyoon-ah!” he said after a second, not finding anything better to answer, probably; he laughed affectionately, grabbing his arm and pulling him down on the bed once again. For a moment, as the reality of what was happening hit him, he found himself speechless; he still couldn’t quite believe that his feelings were actually reciprocated and, after all, he wasn’t the only fool between the five of them.

“You sure? Because I think you need to pay for attacking me.” without waiting for an answer, he flung himself at him and started viciously tickling him; his laughter erupting through the room was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard and he couldn’t get enough of it. He realised how incredible it felt to be in love and that he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way; and then he realised that the younger had stopped laughing, and how close they were to each other, with his hands still on his waist, lying half on top of him. “Can I kiss you?” there was a slight tremor in his voice, he’d surprised himself with that question; when the other slowly nodded, he didn’t wait anymore and pressed their lips together. Every time they kissed it felt like the first time, his heart beating like it was about to fly away, his brain short-circuiting, and a thousand new stars being born behind his closed eyelids; and, oh, how he hoped that beautiful boy with sharp eyes and apple-like lips was never going to stop feeling the same as he felt for him.
 
He winced, his lips forcefully pulling back from Hanbin’s, trying to even his breathing, frantically looking around, suddenly uncomfortable in that half-darkness that wasn’t enough to cover him. He realised he was shaking only when the younger removed his hands from under his shirt (he hadn’t even realised they’d ended there) and grabbed his wrists, trying to calm him down, so tenderly it almost hurt.
 
He was confused, and he couldn’t blame him. But it hurt to realise that, at the same time, he just wanted him to be okay. That was the problem, the confusion. After all, it hurt because he knew that no matter what happened, he would eventually stop caring for him, once he realised he wasn’t the person he thought he was. He was eventually going to walk away, no matter what. They could be happy, maybe, if he tried to be honest with him, but he knew it couldn’t last long. Because he cared too much; he’d gotten attached to him before he even had feelings, and it was something terrifying. It wasn’t right.
 
They were supposed to be friends, and nothing else. He cared too much, and he knew that seeing him walk away would hurt so much he would feel like his heart was being ripped open. Even worse than that, the thought of hurting him again drove him crazy. He was an idiot. An insensitive and disgusting idiot.
 
He looked down at Hanbin, and he could see that his eyes were large and scared, like he was worried he’d done something he shouldn’t have; but he hadn’t done anything wrong. Seungyoon knew that he could blame himself.
 
He wished he could find the strength to reassure him, but all he could do was blink away the tears forming in his eyes and forcing the other to stand up, dragging him out of the room, back into the loud and crowded hallway. He didn’t know for how long they’d stayed there, for how long they’d kissed. Ignoring his surprised gaze pressing at the back of his neck, he kept walking with his hand tightly wrapped around his arm, hold him securely. He hated that whole situation. He hated himself for putting both of them into it.
 
He spotted a very exasperated trio in the distance, who was still looking for them; well, more than looking for anyone, they were standing there, the two rappers half-screaming at each other while the vocalist was leaning against the wall with his face buried in his hands, probably asking himself why the he’d decided to go with them.
 
“Jiwon-ah!” he half-cried out, getting more attention on them than he’d wanted to, but he managed to catch his attention before he could reach them. The three of them seemed surprised and relieved, as they jogged towards them, dodging the people on their way; they all had fairly worried expressions on their faces, and he couldn’t blame them. He understood, even.
 
The funny thing was that he didn’t even know how they’d gotten separated from them in the first place. He remembered Hanbin grabbing his hand while he’d been distracted, walking further away from the others, mumbling something about not liking it when he gave too much attention to other people, as he knocked down yet another glass of champagne. And everything had collapsed from there. Realising he couldn’t even hear what the others were asking him, he didn’t even give himself time to answer. He needed to leave. As fast as he could, he needed to leave everything behind. Maybe it would be better, the next morning, once he had a clearer mind, he would understand what to do. In that moment, he only knew that he’d made a mistake and had taken advantage of a drunk boy, a drunk boy who was in love with him and who he could never love back. Because it wasn’t right.
 
Without saying anything, he let go of Hanbin’s hand, abruptly, almost violently, even, and kept walking. He kept walking, pretending he hadn’t noticed how hurt the younger’s eyes were as he looked at him leave. He knew he didn’t understand why he was acting that way, he couldn’t understand why he’d kissed him just to desert him another time. He wished he could give an answer, but he didn’t have any.
 
He didn’t know why he was doing it, anymore. He didn’t know if he was leaving for himself, because he’d realised that, no matter how much he pretended he wasn’t scared, he was; he didn’t want to make the same mistakes again, he didn’t want to lose someone, not in that way. He didn’t want Hanbin to see him for who he truly was: an incredibly egoistical person, who only cared about his own feelings. But he knew that being next to him would keep hurting him.
 
Maybe, he needed to leave him for good, he thought. Even if that still meant that he was going to lose him. Maybe, he was leaving for Hanbin, because he’d been using him all along, he’d been using him to make himself feel better, and he hated it. The younger deserved everything, so much better than him. He knew that every second Hanbin spent beside him, he suffered. And he’d never wanted to make him suffer, he’d always only wanted to help him.
 
That was the problem, one of many problems: they’d started as friends, and had never been supposed to be anything else, anything else at all. It didn’t matter what happened, they would end up hating each other, he knew it. No matter how much Hanbin claimed he loved him and he would never leave him, he was eventually going to.
 
If it made any sense, maybe he wanted to be the one to push him away, before he could understand that he wasn’t worth all that pain by himself. He wanted to push him away before he could leave. He couldn’t love him. He was too damn scared, he didn’t think he would be able to open his heart to someone again, knowing that he only risked getting hurt. Perhaps, he was doing it for both of them. Both of them would only keep suffering and hurting each other, over and over, if they stayed together. He would only continue giving the younger false hope, hope in something that couldn’t be real.
 
He shook his head, realising that he was taking such fast steps Minho was having a hard time catching up with him. He ignored him even when he put a hand on his shoulder, attempting to slow him down, attempting to talk to him. For the rest of the night, he kept behaving like everything was normal, like he was fine, but he could tell his brothers knew that something had happened.
 
The problem was that it wasn’t something he could talk to them about, for a million different reasons. He knew they were worried, and he hated it. He hated it terribly, because he didn’t deserve their worry, because he was an idiot. He told himself that he needed to think about it, that he couldn’t take sudden decisions, but, every second that went by, he convinced himself more that he needed to put an end to all of it. That him and Hanbin couldn’t be friends, anymore, after what he’d done, after he’d so disgustingly taken advantage of the younger, thinking that maybe he could give it a shot. He’d been wrong, of course.
 
He couldn’t love anyone, because he knew the consequences would be too harsh. He wasn’t made for love, and he knew that foolish feeling always ruined everything, and he didn’t want that. But maybe things had already been broken beyond repair, and the only choice he had was letting go. He didn’t want to, he kept telling himself. He didn’t want to lose Hanbin as a friend either, and that was why he needed to think, needed to think about what he needed to do, or what he truly wanted. And yet, he knew pushing him away once and for all, would be better than try to love him and damage him even more than he’d already done. He didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t want to lose him. But there was something inside of his heart telling him that it was the only way; that the only way was push him away and hope he would forget about him. Completely. He was sure he would be fine, without him.