A/N: No, I don't know why this Seungyoon hates himself so much. This is still from Seungyoon's point of view and it's basically the consequences of the previous chapter. Also, in advance, yes, I know I'm evil.

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He woke up with a mandatory hangover, his head feeling both incredibly light and as heavy as a stone. He didn’t even bother trying to get up, he only stared at the ceiling, for a few seconds, his mind feeling dizzy and empty. For a moment, it seemed like everything was perfectly fine, but, then, out of sudden, what he’d been thinking about since the night before forcefully made its way back into his head.
 
He abruptly sat up when he remembered everything, every single thing that had happened. He immediately had to lie back down back as the nausea given by the sudden movement hit him.
 
Groaning and rubbing his eyes, he reached over to his nightstand to grab his phone. He didn’t look at it, for a couple of seconds. He’d thought about what to do for a long time, the night before, and he’d had a hard time falling asleep, because he couldn’t stop thinking about it.
 
He remembered what he’d so selfishly hoped for, the night before, but, in that moment, he didn’t know what he wanted. He hoped Hanbin didn’t remember a thing of what had happened the previous night, because it would’ve been easier, that way. On the other hand, maybe, if a single memory of that had persisted in his mind, that would probably force him to be honest with him, once and for all. The second possibility scared him, but the first was even worse, if that was possible. Because he needed to choose, he needed to choose what he wanted to do, and, to be honest, he didn’t want to.
 
He wished he could go back to the night before, for only a second of selfishness more. He wished he could go back into that room, his arms wrapped around the younger, holding his face softly, kissing him like he’d wanted to do for longer than he liked to admit. But it was wrong of him to think that, because he shouldn’t have done it, in the first place. Yes, he hadn’t been completely in his right mind in that moment, he hadn’t been sober, but it still didn’t change the fact that it was wrong.
 
With trembling hands, he turned his phone on and messages started flooding in: there were a couple from Jinwoo asking him if everything was okay, a lot from Minho asking him what the hell had happened and why he’d behaved that way and, finally, the most dreaded ones, those from Hanbin. When he finally read them, something inside of him broke, and he felt like his breath had caught into his throat. He was relieved, somehow, but he still hated it. He didn’t even know how to feel. Maybe, if he had to be completely honest with himself, he’d hoped he would remember.
 
From: Hanbin
 
Hyung, what happened last night?
 
Jiwon said we disappeared together, but I really don’t remember anything…
 
Did I do anything stupid? I hope not ㅋㅋ
 
He sighed, slowly. He wished he could be honest with him, just once, even though he knew it was impossible. He would only end up hurting him. But he told himself that he just needed to say a white lie, and everything would be fine. He didn’t need to leave him for good, did he? They could still be friends, since he didn’t remember anything. They could still try. After all, he knew he was just lying to himself, and that it was already too late. He didn’t want to, but he needed to end things. His face opened in a bitter smile as he typed in a reply.
 
To: Hanbin
 
No, don’t worry, I wouldn’t say you did something stupid
 
But you threw up and I had to take you to the nearest restroom as fast as possible ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
 
From: Hanbin
 
Omg, sorry—
 
But I’m glad I didn’t do anything. I was really worried
 
I had a dream, though
 
It was really weird, I can’t really give it a sense
 
He stopped breathing once again, just for a second, and he felt a pang to his chest. Was there a chance that he remembered something but thought he’d only dreamed it, thinking it wasn’t possible for it to be real? He knew he probably wouldn’t have told him about it, had that been the case, but he still couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe, though, he could somehow feel that something had happened between them. It made him hate himself even more. He hated himself for lying to him just like that, as if he didn’t even care about him. That was the problem. He cared too much, much more than he should’ve allowed himself to. And the fact that he cared, was exactly the reason why he would never be able to fully reciprocate his feelings. He waited, as Hanbin explained his dream.
 
From: Hanbin
 
I was walking down this really long hallway and I think I was trying to reach you?
 
Like, you were in front of me, and you were walking as well
 
And, whatever I did, I couldn’t catch up to you
 
I tried running, even, but every time I almost reached you, you would, I don’t know, teleport forward and I had to start everything again
 
I really don’t understand what it means, hyung—
 
But Seungyoon did, of course, he did. He realised that he probably did remember something, but it wasn’t about what had happened in that room. It was about him abandoning him. It was terrible, it was ruthless, but it was in that moment he realised he couldn’t let it be. They couldn’t go on like that. He needed to let him go, he needed to push him away. They couldn’t be close to each other, they couldn’t even be friends, anymore. It was terrible, to leave him just like that, without giving him an explanation, as if that dream had been some sort of premonition. But he needed to do it.
 
He’d been able to fool himself for a while more, to pretend that nothing had happened, but he realised that the conclusion he’d come to the night before had been right all along. They would only keep hurting each other, he knew. He just wanted the younger to forget him, to find someone who deserved him. He was sure it wasn’t going to be that difficult. He couldn’t keep being selfish, he couldn’t keep him close because he didn’t want to lose him. It was better that way, because Hanbin didn’t need him; Hanbin only suffered, as long as he stayed with him to selfishly heal himself. It was better that way, to lose him because he wanted to, rather than lose him because the younger had seen him for who he truly was. It was better to lose him before he realised he wasn’t worth loving. It was better that way, but why did it hurt so much?
 
To: Hanbin
 
Hanbin-ah—
 
I don’t think we should see each other again. We can’t keep going on like this; I should’ve been honest with you a long time ago. I will never love you back, I can’t love you back; you need to let me go, you need to get over me. I won’t come on the roof again, please, don’t look for me, stay away from me. It’s what’s better for both of us, I really just want you to be happy
 
It’s better if, from now on, we only look at each other as iKON’s leader and WINNER’s leader
 
I guess this is a goodbye. See you around, Kim Hanbin
 
He turned his phone off and threw it on the other end of the bed, looking at an unspecified spot on the wall in front of him. Suddenly, he felt empty, even though he knew he’d done the right thing. It’d never been right of him to hold on onto the younger, even while knowing that the latter was in love with him. He’d been selfish, all that time. Maybe, he was still being selfish, because he kept telling himself he’d done it only for him, but it wasn’t the truth. He’d done it for himself, too, because the more he remained by his side, the more he deluded himself that he could one day love again, but it wasn’t that way. He’d done it for both of them, but it still hurt.
 
He’d never even been supposed to care so much about him in the first place, he’d never been supposed to be his friend, and he should’ve never let himself develop feelings for him. It was wrong, everything was just so wrong. They weren’t the main characters of a drama, there were real people’s entire lives at stake, everything wasn’t going to be magically fine at the end; there was no happy ending, there was only the real world. And the real world was never going to allow them to be together. And his mind, his heart, would mess up everything anyway, in the end, even if they tried to defy everything.
 
It wasn’t meant to be. No matter what happened, they were going to end up suffering, but he felt like it was better that way. It would’ve been like removing a band-aid. It would only hurt at first. Instead, if he’d tried to be honest with him they would end up hurting each other behind repair, their wounds so deep nothing could ever stitch them together. And he didn’t want to hurt Hanbin that way.
 
He must’ve looked miserable, because, after a while, Thor got up from where he’d been resting at the foot of his bed and approached him, settling his chin on his leg and his hands, looking at him with his tiny black eyes. Seungyoon sighed once again, but managed to smile and petted him on his small head.
 
“Thor, dad’s a coward, you know?” he told him, but, of course, the dog couldn’t understand his words; and yet, he seemed to understand that he wasn’t okay, and nuzzled his hand with his snout, somehow trying to be comforting.
 
And Seungyoon tried to keep smiling, but his head couldn’t stop thinking about Hanbin, couldn’t stop wondering what he was doing, couldn’t stop wondering if he was trying to reach him, desperately trying to understand why he’d done something like that, why he’d deserted him, all of sudden. He wondered if he was crying, crying because of him, because of his words, because of the way he’d left. In that moment, he realised that he couldn’t ignore the tears gliding down his cheeks. Because he was a coward, after all. Maybe, he’d pushed him away out of selfishness, because he could’ve at least tried to tell him the truth, because he owed it to him, instead of running away. But he hadn’t found any other way. Telling the truth would’ve brought consequences he wasn’t ready to accept. Maybe it was just how is was supposed to be. He always ended up hurting the people he cared too much about, no matter what he did, no matter what his intentions were. Maybe, it was better to pretend that he didn’t care at all.