Voices murmured in the hallway and she stilled her body, her thinking--just listening to them. The confident manner of speech that came from the doctor and the concerned whisperings of her mother; she listened shamelessly. A warm hand on her forehead added silent strength as well as a caring touch of love; her grandmother, letting her know to stay strong.

“It has come to our attention that she has a previous history of coming into our Emergency Room with abdominal pain, nausea, a loss of appetite, and as well as weight loss and weakness. By the looks of things, we have followed all protocol for anyone who comes in with such symptoms; although since it has not abated, we want to do an Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography.”

The older woman looked dubiously at the doctor, “What’s that?”

“We need to sedate your daughter, and then with a flexible camera we will insert it through the mouth, down the esophagus, into the stomach and then through pylorus into the duodenum. Basically it's like taking a tube and just squeezing it down the throat. With that, we can then see with the endoscopic camera what is happening.  We also have to—“.  She stopped listening, not wanting to hear more.

She didn’t know how she was supposed to react: they were going to put a tube down and into her stomach… She shuddered imagining the feeling of the hard plastic of the endoscopic camera scraping against the soft tissue. 

Letting you go (here’s somebody…)
Letting you go (somebody)~

Leaves ranging from a deep scarlet to a bright orange flurried away from scarecrow limps of trees as the blistering cold wind dove through branches, weaving, and grasping with invisible fingers to pull them loose.  Of the same tree some branches were , while others still had leaves clinging for dear life onto them.  Yet still the fingers of the cold grasped them, shaking limbs, trying to force them to let go; only for them to at the last minute let go and flutter in the wind, following it blindly wondering where fate would take them.  Peals of laughter flooded the air, filling the area outside the hospital windows with girlish giggles, and playful voices.  A little girl in pigtails ran away from her brother, only to dive into the pile of leaves, and jump out at him at the last minute.  The red of her jacket a stark contrast against the overcast of the sky, seeming as if she was the only bright spot in the world; alive, living, and enjoying her childhood.

 “Lexi, it’s going to be okay.”

Lexi moved her head away from the window, looking at her mom, seeing eyes that were full of worry and love.  Taking note the dried tear tracks that she had wiped away before entering the hospital bedroom of her daughter.  She tried to smile, but in actuality she couldn’t believe it either, she looked away, feeling guilty that she caused all those tears from her mother’s eyes.

“The doctor said you’re going to be okay…” She had plastered a cheerful smile on in hopes that her Lexi would never notice anything that would say otherwise; but she knew her daughter could see through the façade.  

No I got this, yeah
Still thinking about this thing a lot
you got me shaken up
(Please tell me there’s a way)~

“From what we can tell she has a tumor on her pancreas blocking the flow of bile from her liver as well as the flow of enzymes from her pancreas. The tumor is wrapped around a blood vessel and surgery is an option, albeit it will be risky. Her chances are slim to none of survival even with the surgery, but—“; the doctor paused looking at the girl in front of him, his eyes catching the hand that was gripping onto her mother, and the other on her grandmother.

She was pale, making the hazel in her eyes seem stark in comparison to the rest of her. Her body was that of a girl blossoming into womanhood, tall and very thin; he knew just by looking at her that once he explained the rest of it, by the end of the month her flesh would look as if it was strung taut over bones. She would be skeletal, weak, and look as if she had escaped a Nazi Concentration Camp. 

As soon as the word “tumor” was uttered from the Doctor’s throat, Lexi tuned everything out in utter disbelief.  Tumor kept repeating in her head, let alone the fact that the surgery was not only dangerous, but her survival rate…her mind became blank; she couldn’t get past that one word: tumor. I can’t die now. No! I can’t….wha…how? I’m healthy!! Tumor. No….it’s all a sick joke, Oppa put the doctor up to this….Tumor. Tumor. No…cancer? Please God no. Please. I’m too young to die! I’m happy…I can’t die…no no no no no no….NO!! Please God no…this is all a sick joke. Not real. Not real. I can’t have cancer…not me.  I’m young.  19. Have a boyfriend.  Happy.  This doesn’t happen to happy people!!! Not me!! NO!!! Please God no.

“—the surgery itself has come a long ways than what it previously was. Death rates are below 5% now, and she will be okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

He took off his glasses, and began to clean them with a handkerchief that seemed to have come out of nowhere because Lexi never once truly paid attention, her mind was still dwelling on the fact that she had a tumor inside of her body. Everything around her became loud, sound itself flooded her ears, and everything became more attuned, sharper; distinct. 

Listening to the Doctor talk to her mother, the realization of reality had hit the suddenness of it, the fear, all crippling and all gripping. Tears flooded her eyes, and she found herself crying, sobbing, and bawling. Her body hunched over, fists clenched and twisted in the white sheet that covered the hard plastic of the hospital bed. Her free hand in a fist punching at the mattress of the bed in disbelief. Lips parted, mouth opened wide, as a scream of torment escaped only to turn into cries of sorrow. Her sobbing became loud; she found herself hiccupping as snot ran down her nose. Snuffling loudly as she tried to calm herself down, only for more tears to escape—more cries to fill the hospital room. 

Lexi couldn’t seem to stop: the tears kept coming, her voice was coming out harsher even to her own ears. was starting to hurt, and soon she found herself gagging. Dry heaves that pulled at her esophagus, the harsh sound of her heaving, her crying they were the only sound that filled the room. The doctor was outside in the hallway with her mother. Her grandmother had her arms around her, holding her close, trying to get her to calm down—it was of no use. 

Loud coughs were heard, only to become more dry heaves, and her body was hunched over as her chest moved, struggling to breathe. Fists clenched at the white sheet using it for leverage as coughs racked her small frame, only to disintegrate into harsher coughs that easily and quickly became dry heaves that were causing her body to shake. Loud whistles from deep down in her lungs echoed in the room, harsh to the ear; coughing, sputum trying to escape, only to again become gagging noises. 

was sore and burning from the bile that seemed to make its way up only to move down as she coughed.  Her eyes were blurry with tears, her head felt light, and she felt dizzy. She was gulping hard, coughing nonstop, as she just tried to take a deep breath in.

“BREATHE LEXI!!”

She coughed again, loud wheezes escaping , the only thing pouring out of her open mouth as she continued to cough. Her eyes blinked, trying to clear her vision, the figure in front of her of the doctor and her mother as they yelled at her. Her ears heard the noise, but it sounded fuzzy; her brain was full of cobwebs, a word repeating over and over: tumor.

Gasping for breath, her breathing becoming more harsh, wheezes escaping, she felt herself start to give in to the spots of black that were dancing behind her eyelids; only for her to promptly pass out.

And it got my head just spinnin’ round round round round
(Please tell me there’s a way)~

Lexi felt petulant, she felt like a brat as she looked at the doctor. Thoughts of why’s, and shoulda-coulda's seemed to reign supreme in her thought processes right now. She still couldn’t believe that this was happening to her, why me? The doctor seemed to drone on and on about the whole entire thing, just shut up! This isn’t you! She couldn’t seem to shake away the self-pity that prevailed in her mind; her body felt shaky, felt weak as she just listened to him. Well, tried, to listen to him, her head swung back to the window, watching the leaves fall and flutter in the wind. 

“Okay. I will give you guys time. I see that me talking now isn’t really making any progress of understanding. I will come back and explain the surgery in a couple days. I see that this news is hard to take in.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

He nodded to the mother, his eyes moving to the young woman: taking in note the petulant way she crossed her arms, avoiding his eye contact, her eyes taking in the fall scenery outside. Her attention was elsewhere if at all, he could only imagine what she was thinking, “Lexi, get some rest.” 

He regarded her, taking in the slight nod she gave him that she heard him, and he left them. Left Lexi with thoughts as she felt depression hit her, she moved her head back to her mom and grandma, her eyes full of tears.

“Umma. Halmoni,” her voice warbled as she tried to keep the tears in, she tried to keep herself from breaking down again, only for her voice to tremble. She was not as brave as the front she put on in front of the doctor, but with these women, she couldn’t keep it away. 

“Oh baby.”

They went to her side, and pulled her into their arms. Trying to comfort, trying to support, trying to keep it all in, except tears slid down their cheeks.

Don’t wanna take a fall
It’s best to break it up~

 “Basically what’s going to happen is we are going to go in and remove the head of the pancreas, a portion of the bile duct, the gallbladder, and the duodenum. After we remove these we’re going to suture the bile duct and the intestine directly to the gastrointestinal sections of the gut.”

He looked at the women in the room, saw them nodding, saw the girl Lexi sitting up her arms wrapped around her knees as she drew them to her chest.  She was paying attention, but she was looking down on the bed, nodding here and there where it was needed.

He handed over the clipboard with a pen, directing the woman that was her mother to look over the small print, towards the line at the bottom. “Before you sign these forms, I need you to know that it is possible for complications to occur.”

“What complications?”

“It is possible that after the tumor is removed from the pancreas, the suture line may not heal very well. If that happens then there will be a leakage of pancreatic juice. In almost all patients who develop leakage of pancreatic juice after the surgery, the leakage heals on its own. Also, it is likely that Lexi will experience Gastroparesis which is paralysis of the stomach. It is not truly a complication more of something that is common to occur. The first five to six days after the surgery we will provide Lexi with intravenous fluids until her bowel function returns. Afterwards we will begin her on a diet of clear liquids and then when her stomach becomes more stable a regular diet. If after those days she still cannot eat a regular diet, then it is likely her stomach may remain paralyzed after surgery and it may take up to 4 to 6 weeks for the stomach to adapt to the changes.”**

She nodded, her eyes never leaving Lexi’s form on the bed, then flicked downwards, taking the pen, and scrolling out her name on the form. 

“Okay. We understand.”

It’s gonna be better for you, move on
(Please tell me there’s a way)~

“I need you to count backwards from ten with me, arasso?”

“Yeh,” she nodded as she said it, breathing in the oxygen that was pumping into her nose through the nasal cannula that they had threaded behind each ear. 

She found herself blinking owlishly at the anesthesiologist, her eyes focusing on the woman’s lips as she counted.

“Yeol.”

“Yeol.”

“Ah-hop.”

“Ah-hop.”

“Yuh-deol.”

“Yuh-deol.”

“Il-gop.”

“Il….gop….”  Lexi found herself fighting the drowsiness, blinking hard trying to stay awake, fighting it.

Her eyes moved to her left inner arm, where the woman was pushing the plunger down the barrel of the syringe, the needle burrowed in the IV plug. She watched the steady hand pushing the plunger down slowly with each second that passed by. 

“Yuh-seot.”

“….yuh….seot…”

Her eyelids felt heavier, and as much as she tried to shake her head awake, her head felt like it was nothing but lead, too heavy to move. 

“Da-sut.”

“…..”

Till finally Lexi just gave in, passing out as the drug sped up and down the veins in her body, distributing, and sweet oblivion pulled her under.

We break it, break it.
Or thought we make it make it.
And now we cover it up~

Lexi glared at the hospital grade jell-o in front of her. She was finally able to eat solid foods without any pain, and she was finally able to move without the stinging sensation of pain lancing through her abdomen. A finger poked the green mold, only to retreat, and eyes watched the jiggling after effects of movement take possession of it. 

“I promise you that it won’t bite back if you eat it.”

Lexi looked up at her mother, and then went back down to observing the green dome of gelatinous dessert, to her it looked like something she would sneeze out, but at the same time it didn’t look like the normal jell-o she’s come across in her lifetime. 

“Good news Lexi,” Lexi looked at the owner of the soft voice: a young woman that looked like she was in her twenties in a nurse’s uniform. “You can go home in another week. “

Lexi nodded her head, her attention back at the green gelatin in front of her, she had been here three weeks already, and it seemed no matter how hard she stared at it the hospital food was still the same.

Girl I swear I won’t even for a second
Cause you any pain
In order to protect you
There’s already no other way~

The rush of the wind caressed flushed cheeks that were warm from the sun beating down, and the peals of laughter that filled the playground’s air.  A view that changed with each pump of legs and body; a body that would lean back in the swing, only for a head to tilt and watch the sky as new angles appeared.  Trees and bushes coming into her eyesight only to quickly disappear when the sky seemed to slide above it, then back to nature once again when her legs moved up.      

“I can jump off further than you!!”

A deep voice answered next to her, “No, you can’t!!”

Hopping off the swing, feet flying, her body lurching forward, as she landed on her feet, laughing; only for a wince of pain to encompass her features.  She bent forward, arms wrapped around her stomach, gasping as a shock of pain travelled through her body, her body gasping for breath as she waited for it to pass. 

“Yeobo, you okay?”

Lexi looked up at Jiyong and instantly smiled, looking at his worried face, she stood up, ignoring the pain that screamed through her, and she walked to him looping her arm around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder.

“Perfect, now that you’re here.”

A smile split over his face, and he pressed his lips to her forehead.

“Let’s take you home.”

She let him lead her away from the playground, walking, ignoring the pain in her stomach and the niggling feeling in the back of her head that something was horribly wrong.

Baby our love itself brings us pain
And I got nothing, nothing to say~

Lexi winced in pain as she lay down, her head in Jiyong’s lap. His fingers moving through strands of her hair as he ran them through. The relaxation of that moment was shattered by her body tensing as a wave of pain screamed through every nerve receptor that was in her body. Her hands clenched into fists, her back arching as a scream of pain erupted from her lips.

“Baby girl, what’s wrong? Talk to me!”

Jiyong moved, his hands grasping hers, wincing at the strength she seemed to hide in her hands. Fingers laced and interlocked as she held on tightly; her face in a look of horror at the pain that seemed to radiate off her in waves. He was starting to panic, he didn’t know what was wrong with her; all he could do was sit there and hold onto her. Be her anchor, be her support, and just be there. He didn’t know what was going on.

She struggled with the burning pain that seemed to brand and scorch her insides; it felt as if her stomach was on fire. Bile started to rise up , and she struggled to shift herself upward out of the laying position she was in. Her teeth gritted as she tried to breathe. Every inhalation was met with a fiery pain, and every exhalation felt as if she couldn’t breathe in the first place; only for the vicious cycle to continue onward. 

A rasping voice escaped her parted lips, as she struggled to breathe, struggled so hard to take in much needed air.  “Help….me…up.”

Jiyong let go of her hands, afraid to let go, his hands moved underneath her shoulders, hooking into her armpits pulling her into a sitting up position. 

Lexi took a deep breath, startled at how the pain alleviated from sitting up, the pain was abating little by little.  She tested sitting up straight, gasping again as the wave hit her at a crescendo radiating from her lower back.  Surging forward she leaned forward, gasping, tears pouring down her face as her knuckles turned a stark white, a sharp contrast to her overly pale skin, as they gripped onto the edge of the sofa cushion. 

Opening her eyes, her breath became sharp as the pain doubled her over, crashing her to the floor, forehead pressed against the cool of the hardwood. 

“Lexi? LEXI!!”

She could hear the panic in Jiyong’s voice, and she struggled so hard to swallow down the bile of stomach acid that burned its way up her esophagus, she had to tell him she was okay, that she was fine, that he had no reason to worry; only the truth was he did. 

She gasped again, eyes clenching tight, her breathing coming out in pants, “Jiyong….help…me.”

Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye~

Jiyong’s legs moved up and down, bouncing into place from nervous panicky habit. His eyes were focused straight ahead, as he leaned forward on the bench, fingers grasping the edge of it. Voices moved around him, none of which were acknowledged, none of which were heard at all. Every now and then, a woman’s voice in perfect articulation, called out for a doctor over the PA system overhead. He ignored it, his body tense with worry. He didn’t know what was going on: one moment they had been at her house on her couch, cuddled up and enjoying the time. 

Looking down at his right hand, he looked over the slender fingers that hours ago had been entwined with hers. 

“JIYONG!!”

His head jerked to the left, his eyes searching over the numerous faces in the hallway trying to figure out who called his name. Only to watch as Lexi’s mother and grandmother moved quickly towards him. He stood up to greet them and to explain he didn’t know what was going on, only to be engulfed closely into a hug.

“Jiyong…you have to understand. She didn’t want to tell you just yet.”

He looked at her confused, “What?”

Those hands that embraced me
(Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye)~

Seven faces watched the doctor move towards the group. His hands pulling off the latex gloves and bundling them up into a pocket in his white coat. The doctor looked at the faces etched with pain of worry and panic that waited there; he unhooked the face mask from his ears, moving his attention to Lexi’s mother and grandmother.

“The cancer is in Stage IV. It has spread not only to nearby tissues and lymph nodes, but also to the lungs and liver.”

Out of his peripheral vision he saw the five faces of five young men slide into pure shock, he watched as they sat hard behind them onto the chairs. His focus went back to the two older women in front of him, watching abject horror.

“What about the surgery?! I thought you got rid of it all!!”  Lexi’s mother’s voice was full of pain and questioning, she was in shock, her baby….tumors had spread.

“Like I spoke to you earlier before the surgery, her chances of survival after the surgery were slim, especially now that the tumors have spread. We can—“

A sob filled the waiting room, as he watched the mother crumble to the floor held in the arms of her own mother, Lexi’s grandmother. The young men watching it all with eyes glazed and dead—shocked.

Seem to be letting go
if forgetting me will give you freedom Baby
(Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye)~

Her heartbeat slowed as the thumb moved down on the plunger of the syringe, pushing the clear fluid into her IV plug sticking out of the skin of her inner arm. The screaming pain that echoed through her slowly abated, as her eyes started to become heavy lidded. She was getting tired of the amount of morphine they seemed to pump into her blood stream, but so far this was the only thing that kept her ability to function with the pain radiating from her body.

Lexi looked up at the nurse, and managed a weak smile, as she watched her pull out the needle, cap it and slide it into the bio hazard needle box attached to the wall.

“You’ll be okay. Now if you need anything let me know, arasso?”

Lexi nodded her head, “Yeh.”

She looked down at her abdomen through the hospital gown and blankets layered on top of her; she moved her right hand and poked herself. No pain, none whatsoever. She smiled and looked out the glass of the window. A smile full of melancholy pulled at her lips as she watched the first snowfall of that winter.    

Girl you know when you lose your smile
I will place the blame on myself
Those words, and even the light
I will lose sight of everything else~

Fingers clenched as they desperate pushed onto the red button of the nurse call that was attached to her bed.  Her back bowed, body tense, hands fighting, clawing, knuckles white. The pain had hit sudden and harshly, clawing through her system. 

“AHHHHH!!!”

She kept her fingers tightly clenched around the nurse call mechanics using it as a life-line. Alarms went off next to her on the monitors as her SpO2 and her heart rate rocketed. 

The loud thud of her door banging open as nurses rushed in, one immediately moving towards her. Hands pushed down at her body, holding her still, as a needle pushed into the IV plug that she had somehow almost pulled out of her. 

Her body unfurled, relaxing as she felt the morphine race up and down her veins. A worried voice filled the room as her eyes opened wide, looking up at the worried and scared face of Jiyong. His hands were her head, his voice repeating something over and over. Only for her to finally comprehend what he was saying, “Fight, Baby Girl. Fight.”

Baby the moment our lips part this time
I'll never find better, better than you
(Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye)~

The doctor looked at the women before him, his attention moving towards his patient Lexi, taking in the observations and noting them down. She was disturbingly thin, “Technically we should’ve started this regime right after the surgery, but we had thought to wait when she was a bit stronger and fully recovered. And when she didn’t complain of any abdominal pain after, we had hoped that maybe the tumor we had cut out of her was it.”

A nurse moved towards her, syringe in hand, uncapping it, only to pierce the silicone of the IV plug in her inner arm, thumb pushing down the plunger.

“You will experience some side effects, but hopefully this works.”

Lexi looked away from the needle, moving to the doctor, “What side effects?”

“Fatigue, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, and lack of appetite. Your white blood cell and red blood cell count will be low as well.”

Lexi nodded, she wanted to try anything that would take away the pain, and maybe raise her chances of survival. She thought over a goofy smile, Jiyong was worth it, to try to fight this cancer.

Those hands that embraced me
(Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye)~

A shaky and weak hand moved through her hair, only to feel clumps of it clenched into her fingers. She gasped as she looked down at the black strands that were coming out by the fistfuls. 

“My hair…”

The strands dropped onto the sheets as both her hands went up to her head, combing fingers through only for large clumps of hair to fall with its brethren.

Seem to be letting go
merely being by my side is not kindness Baby
(Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye)~

A knock at the door brought Lexi to move her head forward again, away from the window to the outside world, away from the snow that was falling in earnest without her to play in it like she always did. She watched as the pale oak of the door opened, admitting her best friend, TOP, and the love of her life, Jiyong. Then, she remembered when those two were trouble incarnate, now they were always there for her, now and then. 

TOP walked close to her form on the hospital bed, his hands hidden behind his back, “Hey Baby Girl, how you feelin?”

Lexi gave him a weak smile, and then her eyes went to the hidden hands, “What do you have there?”

TOP pulled his arms from behind his back, in his hands were a hat with fake dreads attached, “Surprise!”

She took it from his offered hands, wondering what to do with it, looking up at him with an eyebrow raising, only for Jiyong to take the hat from her hands and plop it atop her bald and sparse hair filled head, “To replace that horrible hair trend you have there with something better.”

A giggle escaped her lips, as her hands weakly moved up; it took so much effort to lift her own arm; to take the fake dreads in between her fingers. She puffed her cheeks out, lips pressed together in a cute moue, “How do I look?”

Jiyong smiled, “Gorgeous.”

Yo and it’s so, so
Sad it just ain’t happening
Wish it could be better~

Tears fell down Lexi’s cheeks, streaking as she fought the urge to vomit only to dry heave. Her body was leaning forward, the plastic kidney bean shaped vomit bowel clutched in her hands. Breathing slowly, only for a gagging noise to be heard. A hand with a cool wash cloth washed over her back, trying to soothe, trying to clean up the sweat there. 

“Omma…I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Do what baby?” 

Another gag that soon became a heaving sound, pain wretched and what fluid she did have burning its way up to hit the plastic. She was in so much pain; she didn’t know how she was able to keep herself sitting up as she seemed to heave, the feeling ripping through her esophagus, and more fluid of the water that she was able to swallow down coming back up.   

“Do this….I…no..” 

Another clench, another gagging sound, more water coming up. Her stomach was empty but it felt so heavy, and she couldn’t stop trembling and shaking.

“Okay, baby, we don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

All she could do was help her daughter move back into a laying position, watching as her own omma fed Lexi ice chips in hopes of replacing what little water she had in her. 

Sorry to scrapping
But I just can’t let ya
To be less than happy
How sad would that be~

She couldn’t stop shaking. Her body was in a constant state of trembling. Every shake, tremble, shiver, and shudder seemed to feel as if needles of utter pain were touching her skin. A shockwave spasmed through her; her hands moved to grip the sides of the bed, tightening her hold onto them. Even then it felt as if all her strength was draining from her, she weakly held on as tightly as she could onto the bed. 

Taking slow deep breaths, she held on, fighting with a will she didn’t even know she had to regain control of her body. Breathing in, and then releasing the breath she held, she continued to slowly breathe in through and out through her nose. Hoping beyond hope that each breath would control the pain that seemed to scorch over every centimeter of her skin; her teeth gritted harshly, grinding back and forth as she tried to move her mind away from the pain that seemed to possess her.

I couldn’t live with myself seeing you lacking
The things you deserve
Baby you are superb
Always believe that it hurts
That bleeds, that word~

TOP looked at her, letting out an exasperated breath. “Come on, Baby Girl, please eat.” 

He held the spoon full of applesauce in front of her, his eyes narrowed willing her to open for him.

“Not hungry.”

He looked at her, really looked at her. Her already frail frame was even more delicate, and the young woman in front of him was not the best friend he had grown up with, nor was she the friend that would always fight with Jiyong when she knew he was wrong. This girl in front of him didn’t match with who she was just two months ago.

He took a deep shuddering breath, keeping the tears in, “Please, Baby Girl. For me.”

He watched as she turned her head, looking out the window. He turned his head, looking with her, watching the snow fall outside the window pane. 

I feel the aching through my body
It just takes a bigger part of me
To be letting you go
I wish that weren’t so~

Lexi struggled to breathe, each movement of her chest more painful than the last. “I don’t wanna die, Omma.”

A sob, only to answer her, “I know. That’s why you got to fight, arasso?”

“Please, God…I don’t wanna die!!”  A voice screamed out only to catch completely as another wave of pain hit through her body.

She couldn’t keep it in, looking at Lexi, her once strong daughter; no longer was she strong, now she was the living breathing version of her skeletal remains.  She already looked dead to any with an untrained eye of a pancreatic cancer patient.  Her skin was sallow, dark circles around her eyes.  Her hair was gone from the constant trials of radiation and chemotherapy. 

She tightened her hand around the frail one in hers, holding on tightly, willing her strength into her daughter.  Leaning back into the tight embrace of her own mother. There three generations of women were, two out of those three watching the third slowly disappear in front of their very eyes. 

Your voice, pained and fading away, away…~

Jiyong looked over the figure in the bed, it didn’t look like the Lexi he knew and loved. He watched as each one of his dongsaengs moved over to her form, kiss her forehead and whisper encouragement into her ear.

When the last one of them moved out of the room, they smiled sadly with encouragement to Jiyong.  He moved to the form of Lexi. She had wires attached to the many machines beside her to monitor her every single moment.  He watched as her chest moved, her breathing sounded labored. Her body was frail in the beginning, now it was downright scary how much weight she had lost. To him she looked like nothing but the skeletal remains of the girl he loved.

“Fight, Baby Girl, please. We have to leave for a tour in Japan... So you need to be okay and better when we get back, arasso?  Saranghae, Baby Girl.”

He pressed lips against her forehead, then each one of her closed eyelids, and then finally brushing them against her lips. It would be a miracle for her to know that he was there, so much was she in a drug induced slumber. Morphine was the only way to keep the pain at bay, but unfortunately it kept her under a tight leash, not knowing whether or not she was awake or dreaming. 

He walked out of the hospital room, looking over his shoulder at the form in the bed, his face blank.

“Please, Baby Girl, fight.”

Erased completely by the wind, stay, stay…~

“Please…just let me die…kill me…Please. I want to end this.”

Lexi found herself laying in the hospital bed, too weak to move, she wanted to live, but the pain was too much now; she wanted it to just end.

“Please, Omma, kill me. Please,” she found herself begging the woman next to her, not able to keep the tears in, not able to fight it anymore.

A warm hand rested on her forehead, only to sweep back and move her hair out of the way. It continued to over her forehead, to move to her hair, and return again. Just petting her, trying to get Lexi to relax. Her mother watched the face as it scrunched up in pain. Her eyes moving over the form of her daughter, skin stretched taut over bones; skeletal and sickly. 

Lips were grey and chapped, peeling, and an older hand reached foreword to feed her small ice chips, the only way Lexi was getting anything. Mother looked at mother and both eyes moving down to Lexi’s form. Taking in her face, gaunt, eyes sunken into her skull, dark circles seeming to be permanent under her eyes, the pallor was pale, a pale milky color of sickly death. 

“Omma...please, just kill me. Just let me die...”

“SHhhh, Baby, it’s okay your Halmoni and I are here. Shhhh…Save your strength. It’s not your time to go, fight it Baby, fight it.  Live for us, live for you."

Try as she might, the tears just escaped her eyes and dripped down her cheeks, splotching the sheet around her daughter’s frail form. No parent should have to watch their child suffer and die. No parent should bury their child first.

All these things, I can’t take it, those tears, don’t cry for me~

She kneeled on the pew, head bent, and knuckles white from clutching the wood of the pew in front of her.  Tears dripping down her cheeks as she prayed; her voice murmuring desperation as she prayed as hard as she could. 

“Please, God don’t let my baby girl die. Please. Don’t let her die. Don’t take her. I’m not ready to let her go, I just got her. Please, God.”

Her voice cut off between her pleading prayers, only to come into sobs, she rested her forehead on the warm wood of the pew. Clutching tightly to it as she begged, pleaded over and over, not ready to let her sweet, baby girl die.

For your sake I’ll never look back again, eh, eh, eh
(Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye)~

Loud raucous noise filled the back dressing room, as three people squabbled over a cell phone that was ringing, “YAH! Gimme that!!”

“Reach for it, Hyung. Reach for it!” Daesung’s voice called out, laughing, and constantly smiling as he threw the phone at Seungri, “Seungri, don’t let him get it!”

Seungri caught the ringing electronic device and waved it in front of his hyung’s face, taunting and mocking as he ran around in between coordi noonas and Manager Hyung, “Come on, hyung, you know we have to turn these off!! Hahahaha!” 

Taeyang came behind Seungri and ripped the phone out of his hand, his left hand sliding it open, as his right went down to Seungri’s head, holding him back as the maknae charged at him with arms swinging.

“Yobeseyo?...Neh…Young-bae imnida.”  Taeyang turned his body, his arm dropping, not noticing Seungri falling flat on his face nor hearing the indignant yells coming from his maknae.

“Neh…When?...I’ll tell them…Kamsahamnida.”

His head was tilted down, as he looked at the floor, his hand sliding the phone close, only for his fist to clench around it. Only for him to turn, showing a scary side of anger and sadness that they had not seen in many years.  He flung his arm back and launched the phone, watching it shatter against the wall, everyone stood stock still watching Tae Yang. People afraid to move, wondering what caused this laid back, mellow, kind, and caring young man to show a violent streak; only worry to cross their faces as he collapsed where he stood.  Legs bent and his arms came down to the floor, fists beating them, pressing his forehead against the cool tile. 

“Hyung!!” Seungri crawled as quickly as he could to his hyung, sitting in front of him trying to figure out what was wrong. 

Tae Yang lifted his head away from the floor, tears were streaking down his cheeks, and his eyes looked over those around him, taking in their worried looks. He immediately found Jiyong and T.O.P. in the crowd, and with the phrase uttered from his lips, the world seemed to crash around them.

“It’s Lexi: she’s dead.”

Jiyong looked at Tae Yang, his arms lax next to him, his smile quickly disappearing and he found himself sliding down the wall, landing at the floor. His eyes staring at the floor, as the phrase seemed to repeat on loop into his brain, she’s dead.

T.O.P. just stood there staring at Tae Yang, not able to move, function, or even seem to acknowledge the fact; his face was back to the face most saw when he was acting as an assassin in I.R.I.S.: a cold emotionless mask.

Daesung looked around, looking at each one of his hyungs, not sure whether to laugh, crack a joke, or cry. His gaze automatically moving to Jiyong, watching his every movement, watching his face as it became blank, his eyes filled with hopelessness and despair. He kept his distance afraid of the moment to snap and break, just watching.

It was a pentacle moment, everything hung in disarray, and everyone watched, not knowing what to say at the pain evident on faces that had just a moment ago been full of laughter and excitement at the knowledge in an hour they would start their Japanese tour. 

No one dared to move, everyone rooted to the spot, time had stopped, but the sounds of screaming fans were the only thing that cut through the silence and shock.

 Those hands that embraced me
(Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye)~

A hand reached forward grasping onto a stick of incense pulling it free of the sand it firmly was embedded in, only to move towards the lit flame of a candle. A flame erupted onto the tip, lighting it, flickering. Once it was lit, it was raised towards pink thin lips puckered as if for a kiss, only for a puff of air to come forth to blow out the dancing flame. Curls of grey smoke moved up into the air, and danced around as the incense stick was put back with the others. Throughout all of it he couldn’t believe at how calm he was, even though inside he was shaking, but his steady hands did not show it. His upper body moved down in a perfect ninety degree bow directed towards the small girl in the picture, hazel eyes open and bright, a smile that was wide; it was a picture he took of her laughing.  She was at her most beautiful when she was full of laughter, the way her eyes would squint in perfect eye smiles, her lids hiding the legacy her American father had left behind. 

He turned and looked at the old kindly eyes of her mother and grandmother; they were acting as sangju. Tears were threatening to escape his eyes, as he used all his willpower to hold them in, he would cry when he was alone; he couldn’t do it here. His tears were only for her and she was gone now. 

Seem to be letting you go
Merely being by my side is not kindness Baby
Oh tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye
Tell me goodbye~

”Hey, Jiyong, you ready?” 

Jiyong looked away from the picture he put on the mirror, his head turning to look over at his hyung, T.O.P.  He nodded his head, standing up out of the seat, the coordi noonas had left earlier as soon as they were done with his hair and makeup. His dark eyes moved over Lexi’s picture, her eyes opened wide, smile just as wide, and he could swear he heard the tinkling of her laughter in the air.

“She would’ve been proud.”

“Neh.”

He looked away again, and reached his hand out for the mic that T.O.P. reached out towards him.  “Let’s do this!!”

T.O.P. clapped his hand on his shoulder, his arm slung over Jiyong’s shoulder, both of them walking out of their dressing room, out to the edge of the stage. Only for the stage director to nod his head, and they walked on the stage, lights dimming only to flare up, the piano refrain notes filling the air. G-Dragon walked out on that stage, bringing the mic up to his lips, opening the song, while cheers and screams surrounded him. 

Letting you go (here’s somebody…)
Letting you go (somebody)~

---

**Source: USC Department of Surgery, Whipple Operation

My FIRST songfic evah!! I think I did okay...>.>

Created: 12-11-2010

Ended: 1-1-2011

Words: 7, 275

Pages: 17