Posted it last month (?) on Twitter

Non AU

***

“Jinyoung, I know you’ve been avoiding me,” Mark said as soon as Jinyoung picked up the phone. It came as a bit of a surprise, actually, since the younger hadn’t replied to his last countless texts. Nor answered his calls.

“I’m not.”

“Yet, this is our first phone call in three weeks.”

“I’m busy.”

Mark didn’t like the tone one bit. It was scuffed, forced. “I know, but we promised—”

“Mark Hyung, we need to stop.”

“Huh?”

“We need to stop this. We can’t do this. This isn’t working.”

“What do you mean, Jinyoungie?”

Jinyoung exhaled. “You know what I meant.”

He had a fairly rough idea about what it was. It’s just the suddenness that he didn’t understand. “It’s working. If we keep communicating regularly, it’ll work. And please, Jinyoung, I don’t like where this is going. Can we not talk about it?”

“And let it rot behind our fake smiles?” The way Jinyoung said it made Mark’s heart twinged in pain.

“Jinyoungie, what’s this? What happened? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything. It’s just… all this long-distance relationship, it’s not for us.”

Mark inhaled deeply. “Are you giving up on us?”

No answer from the other side of the line. It stayed silent for another minute. Mark knew this day would come, given Jinyoung’s personality and insecurities, but he didn’t foresee it to be this soon. It’s not even a year since his departure. More so, he didn’t expect it to be this heart-shattering. Listening to the man he loved dearly about to give up on their five years of relationship, it’s unthinkable.

“I can’t do it.” Jinyoung started again. “I can’t do it, Mark Hyung. I cannot not have you in my arms, I cannot not hear you whisper sweet nothing in my ears, I cannot not be held by you in the most beautiful way that could make all my insides melt with happiness and content. And I cannot keep having these...these ugly thoughts in my head. I can’t.”

A sob came right after his boyfriend finished talking, and Mark felt like the worst human being on earth right now. He felt the utter uselessness of a person unable to keep those tears away. This wasn’t the first time, too. There were always tears in every single call. Sadness and grief were shadowing them mercilessly.

“I can’t either, Jinyoung… But—”

“Then what’s the point of all this!!” Jinyoung yelled over the phone, surprising Mark with the sudden rise of the volume. “What’s the point of killing ourselves every day? If both of us can’t even handle being separated??! Huh? Hyung? Answer me, Mark Hyung!!”

Mark gripped the phone tighter, holding his disappointment, agony, anger, and tears in. What’s the point? What’s the point?

Back when he was in Korea, the point was to keep Jinyoung in his arms, safe and sound. To protect him, to love him both mentally and physically. To support him every step of the way. Give a shoulder he could cry on when the world got too heavy for his boyfriend, kiss him when those lips were quivering with anxiety, uncertainty, questions, and everything in between. And hold that warm hand tightly so no one would break them away. Because they meant to be together.

So what’s the point now? He could do none of them besides giving verbal support to tired Jinyoung when the darkness had started developing. Both outside the younger’s flat and inside his heart. That’s it. What was the ing point now?

All the while, Jinyoung’s sobs had become a full-blown cry, the sound of it slit through every inch of his body. Making him bleed. “I… I’m…”

“Don’t!”

“Jinyoung, this is for the best for us.”

“The best??!! The best you said?? I almost killed myself from exhaustion! Spending as much time as possible away from my own life pretending to be someone else only because I can’t function without your warmth! Without your gentle stares, without your fingers interlocked with mine!”

Jinyoung cried harder, leaving Mark speechless. What should he do?

“But look at you now, a very successful actor, your latest drama went booming, and already you’re onto another one… This is the best for us now.” Even without someone telling him to, he knew how ridiculous he sounded.

“It’s the best for you… You’re living lavishly in LA, with all your crazy rich friends. Went on a holiday to Hawaii, partying. Paris fashion week!” Jinyoung scoffed. "It’s only best for you!”

“What the hell?! Jinyoung, it’s not like that! You know I’m suffering here too!”

“Yet you are the one who left!” Jinyoung screeched. The sound was so deafening that Mark was left stunned.

Yes, he left. He left Korea, he left K-pop, he left Jinyoung. The latter once suggested that he stay, like Bambam. At least until the pandemic died down. They could have more time figuring out what to do in a rather normal life fashioned way. But at that time, he was a little overwhelmed with the termination of the contract. The endless possibilities he could gain from being a solo artist, the push from his friends and father, the pull from Jinyoung. It was immense that it’s almost overpowering. Then came the decision to be back home. Leaving the love of his life.

“Jinyoung… I won’t lie. Right now, I can’t give you the reason why we should keep being together. I won’t go rambling about what I have in mind right now because I know you already knew. Not only that, but I know you know that I love you so much that I would do anything for you. I also know that you love me so much that you would do anything to keep it that way, in a way that favours us or the other way. I’m sorry for making you cry. For making you suffer, for making you have those ugly thoughts when you only deserve the best in the world”—Mark a shaky breath—“I’m sorry for every decision I made. I’m sorry, not because I regretted it, but because I hate seeing you cry. I love you, Jinyoung, but if it’s better for us, then I will try. I will try to not think about you in a way that will make my heart flutter, my lips curled up in a smile, my eyes sparkling with glitters. But please? Give it a thought? I will be there after Christmas, we can talk about every detail we need to sort out. We can hold hands for as long as you want. We can love again in the most beautiful way possible.”

Jinyoung didn’t respond, but the lack of cry consoled Mark a little, knowing that his boyfriend was no longer shedding tears. Or at least not as hard as a few minutes ago.

“Mark, I will say it over and over, but this is too much. I’m in deep pain. I’m in a constant jittery mess. One thing you should know is that, yes, I love you, and that’s why my heart breaks every second you’re not here. I want a break… please, Mark. I want to rebuild myself to a point where I can be reborn as someone that could handle this better. Someone that will not cry over a stupid selca. Someone that can love you better.”

“Jinyoungie…”

“Please don’t call me again… We can talk in the group chat. It’s fine. We’re friends, after all.”

To Mark, the word ‘friends’ was astonishing, crushing, throwing him off of the cliff ruthlessly. It was something that was always there. But ever since they started dating, it had become alien. They’re boyfriends, not friends. Friends didn’t know how he tasted. Yet, he was well aware that Jinyoungie couldn’t be stopped. Being together for so many years gave him insight. Jinyoung could be as stubborn as a mule. “Okay… Jinyoungie…. I won’t call you. I will wait for you.”

“Are we done now?”

“Yes…”

“Okay.”

And the line went dead. Just like that. Just like his heart right now. Dead. Silence. Hollow.

***

Next chapter is the close continuation of this short!