Moon Byulyi.

Byulyi likes pain, in fact, she maybe in love with it. That’s why she subjected herself into this pain called Kim Yongsun. People would say that her Yongsun is the embodiment of beauty and happiness. Her brightness just beats out the sun and never fails to put a smile on people’s faces; but they were wrong. Kim Yongsun, was the epitome of the word pain and Moon Byulyi was the only one who knows.

The first time Moon Byulyi saw her was when her friend, Jin, pointed at Yongsun, whose eyeglasses were sitting on her nose and strands of her brown hair sticking on her face because of sweat from the unbearable heat—and yet to Byulyi she was the most beautiful girl she’s ever laid eyes on. The girl was drawing something on her notebook and Byulyi immediately recognized that twin pigtails even from afar. That girl was a man of culture as well. So she had the widest grin when she approached the pretty girl.

A few weeks of observing Kim Yongsun, she saw how vacant the girl always looked like whenever she was alone. At first Byulyi was amused at the girl’s talent for changing her expressions and emotions whenever she’s with other people, and yet whenever she’s alone she looked so . . . distant. So far away. And so Byulyi decided she wanted to be where the girl is. No matter how far her mind takes her, Byulyi will be there. Always.

So now, imagine her surprise, her pain, when Yongsun hung up on her because the girl just confessed her feelings to the unsuspecting Byulyi. Byulyi who never expected to be loved back. Who never expected to be beside Yongsun and not just behind her. Byulyi, who was always looking ahead, now had the opportunity to be beside the girl of her dreams. And yet she blew it, because no, Byulyi can’t lose the only pain that’s making her alive.

Her pain, is the only reminder that Kim Yongsun would always be with her.

Moon Byulyi ran a hand over her blonde hair and sighs out in exasperation. What should she do now? Go to Yongsun’s place and confront her? Settle their feelings? How could they even get past this? What would even happen? Would she even do the right thing? Say the right words? She already screwed up with the phone call earlier, how can she fix this?

Of course, Byulyi’s feet were faster than her mind so in fifteen minutes she found herself staring at Yongsun’s door. Debating whether she should knock or just go home. But she’s already here, might as well check on Yong, right?

The door suddenly opened before she could knock and her eyes widened to see Yongsun casually dressed as if she’s going somewhere else.

“I thought I said I don’t want to see you,” Yongsun spat venomously that made Byulyi flinch. Ah, her bestfriend looked cute and hot when she’s angry.

“I know. And I said I’m coming over.” Byulyi leveled her with a determined stare that she would never back down. Looking back, she’s never been able to fully win in a staring contest with Yongsun. It was always her who’s the first one to turn away because Yongsun was too pretty. Too blinding, that Byulyi had to look away out of respect. “Where are you going?”

“Changsub’s. I need to clear my head. And—and with you here, that would be impossible,” Yongsun whispered the last line but Byulyi heard it loud and clear. Ah, so she really does feel the same way as me. She thought.

Byulyi gently pushed the girl back inside her apartment as she stepped inside as well and lock the door in the process. Yongsun just sighed and went back towards the kitchen to drink a glass of water with Byulyi following her.

There was an uncomfortable silence that hung around the room, tension that were never felt before suddenly appeared and every now and then Byulyi would glance at Yongsun’s lips as she sips on her water.

This is wrong. I need to—I need pain. Byulyi thought as her mind runs around the possibility of her punching the countertop or something to hurt herself just so she could be okay. Just so her head would clear out.

Of course Yongsun would notice her distress. But what Byulyi didn’t notice was how close the girl was. She dozed off for a moment and then the next Yongsun was already in front of her. Touching her cheek as if comforting her, reminding her of the reality.

She doesn’t need pain. All she needs is Yongsun.

“Yong . . . “ she choked out. “Don’t leave me.”

Yongsun looked pained and somber. She understood what Byulyi was asking for but at the same time didn’t. What made Byulyi so afraid of her leaving? What was the cause of her abandonment issues? Yongsun made a mental note of talking about that with Byulyi later but now she needs to address the elephant in the room. “Byul-ah, you know I’d never leave you. In fact, shouldn’t I be the one who should be afraid of that? You were the one who had denied me countless of times in front of other people and yet here I am. Still here in front of you. Promising you something you’d already broken but I’m still trying . . . so how about you?”

Byul searched for any deception in Yongsun’s eyes and when she found none, she let her tears fall down as she crashed their lips together in a very passionate kiss, lips dancing in trepidation as if the other one would disappear in a moment’s notice, as if their feelings were tidal waves that continued on clashing with each other, trying to reach for an understanding. This is where they cross the line, the boundary of being just best friends to something more than that.

And for the first time in her life, Moon Byulyi was grounded by happiness and not pain. Her Kim Yongsun, the epitome of pain, was the embodiment of her love. And now she wanted nothing more than to just love her openly than trying to hurt herself of her pain called love.

She was in love with Kim Yongsun. But now, suddenly, she needs a bigger, more powerful word than that.

They broke out of the kiss when Yongsun couldn’t breathe. She had laughed at her state and the shorter girl just glared at her. She rested their foreheads together, sighing happily and tiredly. Wanting the moment to last. Kissing Kim Yongsun was better than she imagined it to be. All her fantasies could never compare to the reality of her Kim Yongsun, her mind can never bring her justice—this is perfect. Her Yongsun is perfect.

“Does this mean . . . I’m more than your bestfriend now?” Yongsun swallowed the lump of uncertainty in her voice. After all they did. After the amazing kiss, she still wasn’t assured if the taller girl would want anything more from their friendship.

Byulyi knew. How her usually confident Yeba had demons bigger than her, that her insecurities gets the best of her most of the time. The only one who could see the real Yongsun was her, she was Yongsun’s Moon Byulyi and nothing would change that. So why was Byul afraid? If her Squirtle is willing to risk their friendship for her, for them, shouldn’t she fight for her too?

“Yes,” she breathes out. “We’re now . . . SUPER FRIENDS!” she shouted in glee before pulling away from Yongsun and running around the counter. Yongsun groaned and shrieked curses at Byulyi who just laughed at her misery. Yongsun caught her and gave her a barrage of punches that she sure as hell would bruise.

“Okay, okay, stop, I’m sorry,” Byul chuckled as she grabs her best friend’s arms into a tight grip and pulling her closer into an embrace. “Will you be my girlfriend, Yong?”

Yongsun broke down. The tears she was holding before came crashing down, all her feelings that she didn’t realize before hit her like a ten-wheeler truck. For a moment she just cried like that, then she remembered Byulyi was waiting for her answer. She nodded weakly at Byul’s neck. Burying her face deeper in the comfort of the soft skin. “I want to be,” she whispers.

She felt Byulyi kiss her head and she’s never felt so contented and happy before.

***

It wasn’t anything fancy. Nothing short of special when Byulyi realized that she’s in love with her bestfriend. They were in third year highschool, junior year, the most stressful year for any student. Their teacher made an activity and they’re required to group out. Of course, just her bad luck when Yongsun was in another group. So exasperatedly, she pretended to be paying attention to her group leader when her eyes darted towards the first group in front of them, of course her eyes would always find her, they were like magnets. One can’t be away from the other.

So when their eyes locked and Yongsun smiled at her, her eyes turning to crescents, and her lips a beautiful shade of natural red—Byulyi knew, that Yongsun owned everything that was Moon Byulyi.

. She thought as she continues to gape at Kim Yongsun’s back. No, no, no, me. this.

That was when Moon Byulyi decided, she’d treasure the pain she feels and the epitome of the word pain that is Kim Yongsun.

***

“So you guys are dating now?” Changsub confirms with a grin. They ended up still going to his place because if anyone deserved to know the update on their relationship status, it was their other best friend. Byulyi didn’t want to leave Yong’s apartment at first. She wanted them to spend some alone time together and explore their newfound relationship. But Kim Yongsun said she’s already informed Changsub of her visit so she could only relent.

Kim Yongsun’s touch in her skin ignites a certain feel of familiar desire she so badly extinguishes every time it comes, but now that she can openly give Yongsun her affections, she barely holds back.

She felt Yongsun pushing her chest gently away from her. She pouted as she pulled away a little and Yongsun looked amused. “You do know, Changsub’s here, right?” she reminded her.

She just rolls her eyes and latches her lips onto the latter’s neck again as if she didn’t care, maybe she didn’t. “It’s Changsub. Our number one fan, number one shipper, president of Moonsun fanclub. This is literally his dream come true. Let’s give him a show.” She kisses Yongsun’s neck again, leaving a mark on the skin under her ear. Byulyi grinned when Yongsun let out a quiet moan.

“Jesus Christ, Byulyi!” Changsub shrieked. Covering his eyes with both of his hands. His ears red. “Can you do that when I’m not around?!”

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Byul taunts. Her eyes shining in mischief and as much as Yongsun was embarrassed, she also adored this Byulyi.

“What I wanted was for you guys to get together, just like all our friends. We all thought how you guys were actually made for each other—bUT! NO! I don’t need to see this! This is gross!” he screeched, his arms flailing about like a cute penguin making the couple laugh their hearts out.

“I’m really happy for you gays,” Changsub smiled warmly at them. Only Byulyi noticed how Yongsun flinched at the word gay but she ignored it. She would just ask Yongsun later, she just caressed her back soothingly, hoping it would ease a little of Yong’s worries.

“Thanks, Changsubie.” Byulyi grinned. Even if Yongsun hated skinship, she indulged them (and herself) by getting crushed in Changsub and Byulyi’s arms. They all shared goofy grins and they understood, that whatever happens, the three of them would be best friends forever, no matter if the two of them were dating.

“Do you guys remember anything from the retreat?” Changsub starts when they pulled away. He reached for a slice of pizza in front of him as he watches Byulyi feed Yongsun fries. “Because I saw the most adorable thing back then.”

***

The night of their retreat, Byulyi couldn’t sleep. She’s lying on the top bunk of her and Yongsun’s bed. She wanted the top bunk and Yong gladly obliged, telling her that she was too tired to even climb the matress so she’s really doing her a favor. And Byulyi liked indulging Yongsun’s wishes, but now she couldn’t sleep. She really wanted to sleep beside Yong but she knew she’d be indulging in her own fantasies then, and Yongsun doesn’t deserve that. But, so what if Moon Byulyi had erted thoughts about Kim Yongsun sometimes? It’s natural to want to kiss your best friend, right?

Of course not. So she’d settle for pain instead. Instead of dreaming about kissing Kim Yongsun, she’d torture herself by imagining what would happen if Kim Yongsun knew her feelings and rejected her.

And so Byulyi succumbed to the comforts of pain as she slumbered the rest of the night.

Of course she’d be awoken by a loud alarm. Whoever that obnoxious prick that would set up their alarm at 3AM sharp, Byulyi wanted to stab them in the neck so she could have her peace and quiet. But then again, they needed to wake up early anyway because they’d be leaving by 5AM so instead of cursing the Gods for waking her up, she’d, instead, watch Yongsun sleep, by dangling her head creepily from above the lower bunk.

Yongsun, feeling like someone’s watching her, abruptly opened her eyes and almost freaked out when she saw Byulyi’s face from above. She inhaled deeply as her eyes adjust from the dark. Great, her eyelids are swollen from crying too much, but then again, it didn’t really matter. “Byul! What the hell?!” she hisses softly in case she disturbs someone.

Byulyi chuckled softly and jumped down on her bunk to settle beside the now sitting Yongsun. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

“, I literally slept for just three hours. I need more. I hate retreats.” She groaned quietly. Leaning her head on Byul’s shoulder.

Byulyi’s heart did a double take. At moments like this when Yongsun seems so vulnerable, her feelings get the best of her. She wanted to let the girl sleep more but she knows they couldn’t. “Just sleep on the bus,” she whispers. Planting a kiss on Yongsun’s hair. Stilling when she realized what she did, she just hopes that Yongsun didn’t feel that or else the girl will chastise her again about being too touchy.

Maybe Yongsun was too tired to notice, or she did but she just ignored it.

By the time they got on the bus, Yongsun didn’t have the time to sleep as Changsub, who was sitting on the aisle beside Byulyi, who was sitting between them, engaged her in a heated argument about Pokemon. Byul could only chuckle at their banter when she heard Yongsun’s stomach growl.

She made a mental note of buying the girl breakfast when they reach their first pit stop.

Byulyi didn’t regret standing on the long queue in McDonalds if it meant seeing Yongsun’s sparkling eyes and wide grin as she hands her the takeout when she gets back in the bus. Yong thanked her and told her she didn’t have to, but Byulyi only smiled at her. “I want to,” she says.

It might’ve just been Byulyi’s imagination but Yongsun may or may not have blushed.

Changsub pouted and grins knowingly at the two girls but Byulyi ignored him. What she didn’t expect was when Sunmi voiced out her disappointment when she wasn’t given a takeout from Byulyi. Byulyi wanted to answer but when she glanced at Yongsun’s dead eyes as she looks at Sunmi. Byulyi could only smile and just eat her own food.

Kim Yongsun would always have her back even when Byulyi was a coward.

***

“I only remember having realized that best friends don’t do some things that Byul and I do,” Yongsun began as she smiles fondly at the memory. “I woke up in that bus, everyone was asleep, Byul was beside me, her head on top of mine as I leaned on her shoulder. Whenever I would move a little because I was uncomfortable, Byulyi would move too to accommodate me. Her right hand was on my right thigh, grounding me on place as if I’d disappear. Her jacket covering the both of us.” Yongsun looks at Byulyi, her eyes glinting in adoration for her. “That’s when I thought about the possibility, you know? It scared me. Not because you were my friend, but because it scares me to like girls. So I tried to forget everything I realized that day and pretended that everything was fine. For some reason I succeeded. But then, when you have friends as persistent as Wheein and Changsub, you can only succeed as much.”

Byulyi and Changsub laughed. “We have to thank them properly then, mostly Wheein. For provoking you.”

Yongsun scoffs with a pout. “Wheein’s ego will inflate more than it already is. I don’t need another narcissistic friend, I already have you for that.”

Byulyi gasps in feigned outrage. “I’m not narcissistic, I’m only telling the truth!”

“Sure.” Yongsun shrugs.

“And I’m not just your friend anymore.” Byulyi pouts adorably. “I’m your super friend remember?” She wiggles her brow and it’s not even surprising when Yongsun punches her shoulder.

Changsub just shook his head, thoroughly finding the two girls he’d been looking out for so long cute and thankful that they had finally gotten together.

On the way to Yongsun’s apartment, Byulyi didn’t have to ask her permission to stay, the girl herself offered it to her which of course, had Byul dying on the inside on how adorable her girlfriend could be. Girlfriend. Kim Yongsun, her sun, her best friend is now officially hers. Girlfriend.

“You okay?” she asked Yongsun while they were cuddling on the shorter girl’s sofa watching Breaking Bad. She started rubbing soothing circles on Yong’s shoulder to ease her worries.

The girl drew a long breath and turned to look at her. Byulyi reached for the remote and turned off the TV before giving all her attention to Yong. “I’m—Byul-ah, I’m really happy we could be like this—it’s just, I’m a bit scared. . . I don’t really care about what other people think but . . . my Mom,” she whispers the last part that if Byul wasn’t paying attention she wouldn’t hear all of it.

“Hey, it’s okay. We don’t even have to tell them right away.” She offered Yongsun a smile before cupping both cheeks and planting a kiss on her lips. “Everyone knows that I’m your best friend and that—in essence—didn’t really change. We just figured out we could be something more, right?”

Yongsun smiled at her, relieved. “Right. But uh, you have to bear with me a little more? I mean, I’m only coming to terms with my uality. I haven’t fully even grasped it yet. All my life I thought I like boys, I guess I still like them but you know how I’ve always been detached with people, so you’re actually really the first person I . . . liked.” Her cheeks became red as she continued to explain. It wasn’t hard telling Byul all of that in her brain but somehow, vocalizing your thoughts isn’t exactly as easy.

Byul just chuckled and kissed her forehead. “I understand. Is that why you flinched earlier when Changsub mentioned the G word?”

Yongsun stiffened and bit her lower lip. “I—yeah—sorry, I don’t really know.”

“It’s okay, why do you look so guilty?” Byul had started chuckling again. Finding a bashful Yongsun very adorable.

“I said some harsh things to Wheein earlier,” she began. Byulyi just hummed in response to wait for more of Yongsun’s story. “She actually insinuated you were gay and I got angry, telling her she had no right to put words in your mouth—I don’t regret that because I’m still right—but when she told me the possibility that you might be in love with me, I just snapped and said that would be disgusting.”

Byulyi didn’t say anything so Yongsun thought that she’s mad.

“I don’t think you’re disgusting, it’s just, it was shoved in front of me so forcefully that I didn’t even know what to think. My mind went to overdrive and my mother was a religious person, so all my life I’ve been hearing nonsense about how girls are meant for boys. But when I backpedaled, I didn’t think I actually cared about people’s genders, maybe because I didn’t find boys and girls interesting enough . . . except for you.”

Byulyi just hugged her and buried her face into Yongsun’s neck. “I realized I like girls before I even entered highschool, it was in last year of middle school that I realized I like my best friend then too.” She laughed which made Yongsun’s heart feel warm. “But not enough for me to want more, I think I just liked her as a person, but of course, knowing that I can like girls opened up all sorts of ideas and fears inside my head. It’s not easy. Living in your parents’ house, hiding who you really are all this time. When we moved out of our houses to find our own place I felt so free. But then I started seeing you enjoying your classmates company that I got concerned. I thought you were leaving me behind. I thought you might not need me anymore. So I told myself that I might not be so free as I thought I was.”

Yongsun pulled away to stare in disbelief at Byul who was sporting a sheepish grimace. She cupped her face with both hands and pulled the blonde in a searing kiss. “I would never leave you, Byul,” her lips hovering over Byul’s, giving her a light peck. “Never.”

“Okay,” Byul can only reply as she engulfed her lover in another fiery kiss.

Things are heating up as expected and everything’s escalating quickly and to Byul’s dismay, Yongsun drew away before she can unclasp the shorter girl’s bra. She scowled at her and the brunette just giggled in delight at her dissatisfaction.

“The hell,” Byul hissed.

“Patience is a virtue, Hamz.” Yong rolled her eyes, pulling the blonde with her as she stands. “Let’s get to bed, I’m sleepy. And I’m tired with all the crying.”

Byul’s gaze immediately softened, realizing that she made her cry. She never wanted to make the girl cry, but she did and she regrets it. As if sensing this, Yongsun smiled softly at her and squeezed her hands. “I love you, Byul.”

Byul stilled and just gaped at the smiling sun in front of her.

“I—I love you too, Yongsun. Very much.”

“I know. Let’s go shower.”

This was the best day in Byul’s whole life, as she hugs the sleeping girl snuggled beside her, she thought about everything that lead up to where she is now. She hasn’t told Yongsun why she was so scared that she’d leave her. She tightened her grip on the shorter girl as if she’d vanish when morning comes.

She was in 2^nd grade when her parents divorced and her Father left them for another woman, she loved her Dad so much that she started hating guys because of what he did. He abandoned her and her two sisters. He abandoned his family.

Byulyi never want to feel that pain ever again so she was afraid, even now she’s afraid that Yongsun would just up and leave when she realizes that she didn’t love Byulyi like she thought she did. But then Yongsun told her she loved her, it was sudden and Byulyi was so overwhelmed she wanted to cry but couldn’t. Maybe there’s hope for her after all, maybe she wouldn’t leave her like her Father once did.

Byulyi lets out a shaky breath and placed a soft kiss on top of Yongsun’s head. Byulyi decided that whatever happens, she’d always be Kim Yongsun’s Moon, her best friend, and it will stay that way, even when the girl decides that they’re better off friends. She would always be at her mercy and she will never let her go.

Maybe one day she’d tell her, but for now, she’d succumb to the beauty of her love for Kim Yongsun. Even when at first she was adamant that they’d forever be just best friends.