[CONTENTID1]

“It must feel so good. To have your family photo as your wallpaper.” Donghae was pouting when he said those, eyes glancing to Tablo’s phone on the desk with fingers forming a square thingy to put up his point strong. The rest of Epik High members alongside Hyukjae sitting beside him were laughing comfortably, agreeing with his words. They talked more about family, with Tablo mentioning his beautiful daughter Haru and everything related to family.

Comfortable and desired talk; Donghae would see it this way. Hyukjae as well but his entire context of ‘family’ didn’t quite matched anyone in the room—which of course was kept within himself only.

If they knew, or Donghae knew—well nothing much would change. Tablo was an understanding man and so did his friends. It was Donghae Hyukjae feared off. It would be hella weird and destructive if he learned what he’d been thinking about him since….

Since forever. Much reason why he couldn’t say it out loud.

For despite all the silent glances, caring touches, and unexpected moments of vulnerability in uncalled or called situation; Donghae didn’t share the same feelings like Hyukjae.

Disappointment? No, Hyukjae was heartbroken.

“Just get married! It’s not like you got no looks—except maybe for Eunhyuk?” Mithra Jin was obviously joking, Hyukjae’d passed all those snicker remarks long ago. These people meant no harm unlike those hiding behind the keyboards underneath the alias of made up names.

“Yah, if I can get married then why not Eunhyuk? He’s handsome! Are you saying I’m not handsome?!” Bickering was Tablo with Mithra Jin, adding up Donghae cackling to no tomorrow watching their banters. Hyukjae wished he could laugh as well, but he had no option other than faking one.

Just like any other days whenever this ‘marriage’ topic was brought up in front of their faces, his heart was broken.

“Be careful going back home.” Donghae had told him while they were walking side by side outside the studio towards the ground floor. The day was coming to its end with their radio show successfully wrapped up this evening without any problem. Hyukjae’s head was buzzing with expected headache and dull pain panging inside his chest in due to the occurrence today. So he needed to be home now, needed to get away from Donghae for the night.

“Yah, you’re the one driving back alone. I got Yongsun hyung sending me home.” Hyukjae tried to keep it casual but thanks to the damn topic today, he was agitated. The slight brush of his hand on Donghae’s made his whole body burning up. It happened a lot since they were impossibly glued to each other almost all the time however the long buried insecurity inside of Hyukjae was forced to make its light, crawling hideously all over his skin aggravating the much hurting chest he’d felt. He purposefully stepped closer to his best friend, letting their hands rubbing against each other. Not that the other thought of it any less.

Skinship to them was normal, so Donghae never minded it—everyone never minded it as well knowing how close they were. Hyukjae took advantage of it for his own sick selfish desire and it was fine, right? This way he could convince himself that at least he was still able to keep Donghae with him although at certain lengths and humongous barrier of the world between them.

So close yet so far; that was what they were.

The moment they stepped out from the door, flashes of camera blinding their ways from afar. The fans had been waiting to see them off from work. Hyukjae’s anxiety heightening up at the thought this was another departure he had to endure from Donghae. They lived on the different side of the cities after all.

“See you, Hyuk.” Donghae fist bumped him when he wanted nothing more than to envelop his slender yet muscled body in a tight hug. Begging Donghae not to leave, pleading Donghae to be brave and accept him, accept them.

Begging Hyukjae to be brave.

He’d rushed to his bed right after closing the bedroom door, sat down on his bed with tears smearing his face. Hyukjae cried with both hands clutching tight the bedsheet in utter pain. Face flushed red and scrunched up in absolute sadness he hadn’t thought would last this long, these long years of keeping it in, pretense and negligence. So much of an actor he was, a brilliant one—cruelest to himself.

The door clicked open. Hyukjae saw his older sister entering with careful steps. The light wasn’t purposefully because Hyukjae had feared if it was his mother coming in. He didn’t want her to see him crying like this, not wanting her to be worried.

But Sora was an exception. Because she knew, and she took Hyukjae into her arms. Letting him muffled his sobs and whimpers to be unheard by their parents downstairs by his sister’s sanctuary.

“Oh Hyukjae, why are you torturing yourself?” Sora muttered, hands holding him close to her own. Patting his back as a comfort. Hyukjae was a mess, his whole body trembled and sobs kept coming without a stop. She knew something terrible must have happened, and it concerned only one man….. “I don’t think this is love at all. It’s hurting you.”

“No.” Hyukjae uttered in difficulty to balance his trembled voice and hiccups. “It is love. I love him.”

“But he doesn’t. Not the way you wanted.” Beckoned her softly.

“I can’t want him. I shouldn’t.” Hyukjae sobbed. “B—But I wish I can…..”

“I wish…. Donghae would want me too.” Unrequited love hurt like hell.

“The is wrong with your eyes?” Hyukjae groaned when among the rest of the members that would notice, it would be Heechul first; in a much less appreciative approach that drew unwanted attention of everyone to him. The room wasn’t big nor small, enough to have small talks audible to the ears. Moreover with him speaking out loud for God’s sake. Now the whole staff was watching them.

“Hyung, too early for a cuss.” Hyukjae’d lamented, crashing his tired body on the couch. Kyuhyun was beside him and Ryeowook on the maknae’s other side. Both giving him an incredulous look of curiosity with their own phones in hands. On what earth they were watching wasn’t in his interest to know about.

“Did you go for a witch hunt or something last night? You look horrible.” Kyuhyun remarked. Ryeowook hummed in agreement. In the meantime, Hyukaje was too tired to response for he had both eyes closing. The headache pounding was like a drum hitting hard in loud echoes. Nobody knew how exhausting the week had been for him—all thanks to